December, 2003

ACT 2: SCENE 3

Quite frequently, women write to me about their lack of viable skills when it comes to securing a job so they can gain financial independence. I always look for transferable skills that would be a good match such as caretaker, nurse, detective, etc. How did I miss the most obvious one, namely—ACTRESS?

Every holiday season, wives of gay men have to play their Oscar award-winning role of “Happy Wife” in front of crowds of hundreds. Of course, there is no golden statue at the end of the season like their movie counterparts, but no doubt, the performances are just as extraordinary. And the holiday season is not the yearly birthday, anniversary, or Easter. The HOLIDAY SEASON is a long stretch that starts at Thanksgiving and continues until Valentine’s Day. Between those two points, we begin the family and love ordeal. Thanksgiving is the beginning, followed by Christmas, New Year’s, and finally ending on Valentine’s Day in February. We are so relieved to have the President’s Birthday as a holiday in February because by then, all of our emotional horror of the holiday season is over. Imagine thinking that Washington and Lincoln can actually neutralize and balance out life because after three months of families celebrating family unity and love, we no longer have to cringe when we hear the word, “holiday.” The touchy-feely ones are over, and once again, we have not been touched or felt, and in fact, most of us have been living with a Novocain kind of numbness so that we can protect ourselves from crying at any given moment because we are HURTING.

The Holiday Season is such a difficult time for straight wives because it is an up front in your face reminder of what life was supposed to be like but never became. Or if it was, it’s over after years because homosexuality has joined into your previously happy union or what you were hoping would be your happy union. It’s almost like having Scrooge find his way into your husband’s body and head. When you want a display of affection and emotion, he’s saying, “Bah, Humbug.” To this I say, “Ho, ho, no, no more.”

You see, even though you may be feeling the pain of this holiday season, it could be your last year to suffer this way. Believe it or not, you can make it your New Year’s resolution to be FREE by next year. Free of the pressures and strain of living a lie. Free of the constant questioning of what can you do to make life better with a man who wants a man to make his life better. Free of the mental torture from the mind games your husband plays so well with you, trying to make you start believing that you are losing your mind and it’s just your imagination running away with you while he’s running around with men. Free of earning your professional detective license while snooping around in a relationship that is supposed to be based on honesty and truth. Free to go to bed at night and feel good about waking up in the morning. Why? Because waking up alone and having peace of mind is always better than waking up next to someone who really doesn’t want to be with you and is making you miserable because he feels that you are “trapping” him.

You see, way beyond this being a holiday season of family and love, it is a holiday season of hope. A time to make resolutions that will help you become healthy and happy. Now I know people hate clichés, but this one really catches the essence of the holiday—namely, “HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.” This little ditty kind of coincides with my own personal philosophy; namely, each new day offers the opportunity of waking up and changing your life. I believe it. I actually did it, and I never look back and regret it. My marriage was doomed. I could have spent 10, 15, or 25 more years of wasting my life with a man who could only make me miserable. But a little bird in my head that became a choir of canaries singing to me, “Don’t Do It.” Don’t give up one more year of precious time to a debilitating situation.”

Look, I know that there are women who are now free who are reading my newsletter. You write to me all the time. I’d appreciate it if you could write to share your new life with my other readers who are still trapped to give them hope. Hope for the New Year. Hope for a new life. Hope for happiness. Hope for sanity. I will publish some of your letters in my upcoming newsletters with your permission. Please write to me!

ON A HOPEFUL NOTE – HAPPY 10 YEARS TO ME!!!

If you’ve read my newsletters, you’ve read about my soulmate. We will celebrate 10 years together on January 5. Ten years—wow. Who could ever believe that I could find a man who would hold my attention for more than 10 minutes, and now it’s 10 years. A decade.

To me, this represents more than just a decade of togetherness. This has been an entire decade of learning how to communicate with someone who still excites me every time he touches me. This is a decade of a man who loves to touch me, even though I’ve entered into middle age with middle bulges throughout my body. And yet, he has never, ever, ever, made me feel that I was less than beautiful and desirable, even though I have gained more than an average of 5 pounds during each of these 10 years. He loves me. He makes me feel as if I were 100 pounds lighter than I am and worthy of being loved.

After 10 years, I am more in love with him now than ever. And yes, there is a difference between being in love and loving someone. I am both. I need to be in love in order to wake up feeling good every day. But loving him helps us make it through times that aren’t perfect or when there is strain due to external circumstances.

My soulmate often asks me why I love him so much. He can’t understand it. In the early part of our relationship he was even “embarrassed” when I kept telling him that I loved him. He’s more than 11 years older than me. He just couldn’t get it. And quite frankly, I wasn’t quite sure myself what compelled me to go after him with every ounce of energy I had, because he was not in a relationship mode or looking for one. In fact, it took me nearly 16 months of relentless pursuit to make him mine. And then, after trying every little trick in my book to get him hooked, he grabbed the line. There was no turning back.

Over the years, we have had some rough times. It took time for both of us to understand each other. He never had a relationship that required so much emotional work. I was coming into a relationship that would need a lot of nurturing to try to reverse my own sense of insecurity due to my past failures. I like to think of myself as low maintenance, just needing some quality time and a few loving words. It took a number of years before he could meet my needs, but I refused to quit. We worked our way through many obstacle courses that often seemed to be blocking our way It was similar to those old Johnny Mercer lyrics from the song, Something’s Gotta Give, that state:

When an irresistible force such as you

Meets and old immovable object like me

You can bet as sure as you live

Something's gotta give, something's gotta give,Something's gotta give.

I was the irresistible force, he was the immovable object. And yet, my heart told me that all the potential for my ultimate happiness was with this man. He was my soulmate who needed me as much as I needed him. And after lots of hard work on my part—the hardest part being not giving up knowing the potential was there—everything started moving in my direction. My continued show of unconditional love produced a reversal of heart and created unconditional love from the man I love. After a number of years, he learned how to meet my emotional needs in a meaningful way. He learned how to make me feel secure and loved. There is a deep sense of commitment there on his part, and he knows how to express it in a way that makes me know he loves me.

I guess this is the most important lesson that I want to share with you. There is a difference between putting time and effort into a relationship that can work versus one that won’t work. While I spent the last 10 years building a relationship of mutual love, passion, and intimacy with a man who could return it, many of you spent this past decade with your gay husbands only to find out that you are putting time into a losing cause. All of you have tried just as hard or harder than I to change the “immovable objects” you are married to, but all that happens is that they move further away from you physically, emotionally, sexually. When you are married to a gay man, there’s no way to move closer because he is always two feet in front of you and running faster. You can never catch up. Unfortunately, those of you who are married to Limbo Men or Straight/Gay Men never get enough physical space between you. They will never leave more than a two-foot space when they need to leave all together. They will stay and torture you for decades to come.

I don’t know why some women in general feel the need to “change” men who have no desire to be changed, whether they straight or gay. I know this may sound selfish, but I don’t like to stay a suffering servant for too long. I believe in the philosophy of “cut your losses,” and I have a good track record of doing that. I’m not waiting to die to get to heaven. I want a piece of it here. And I’ve been blessed to find it with the man who is my soulmate.

So, Happy Anniversary, my love. Thank you for making me believe in myself, believe in us, believe in love, and to not only dream the impossible dream, but to live it while loving it. Every one of you deserves to be this lucky and this happy. Don’t give up no matter how impossible you think it is. Good things do happen to good people—you just have to be the master of your own destiny.

LIMBO WOMEN November, 2003

LIMBO WOMEN

All of you who have read either my newsletters or most recent book, “Gay Husbands/Straight Wives: A Mutation of Life,” know that I have written about a phrase I coined, “Limbo Men.” Limbo Men are those gay husbands who are caught in between two worlds—neither straight nor gay. They are psychologically straight (at least they think they are) and physically gay. They go through life lying to you, their family, their friends, and most of all, themselves. They don’t have the courage to leave the secure straight world and walk into the world that they belong in. They rather just hang out in straight man’s land passing through and pretending. Grrrrr…….rrrr. (Sound of a loud growl) It makes me angry.

The reason for my being pissed off is simple. Limbo men create a whole new category of straight wives—namely, LIMBO WOMEN. Limbo Women are the wives of Limbo Men who are stuck wasting years of their lives in unsatisfying marriages because they can never quite get the truth out of their husbands. They know that something is wrong. They know that their marriages are lacking the ingredients for success—namely communication, passion, and intimacy. They have loads of little clues that all add up to homosexuality, and yet, because they can’t get a full confession—or even a partial confession—they are trapped.

By the time a wife of a Limbo Man gives a confession, it’s usually a partial, such as:

1. I’m not gay, but I like looking at gay pornography as part of a full pornographic fantasy show.
2. I’m not gay, but when I was younger, I had an uncle who molested me on a few occasions.
3. I’m not gay, but sometimes I call gay sex lines because the way they talk stimulates me sexually.
4. I’m not gay, but when I was younger, before I met you, I had a one-time sexual encounter with a man, but I only let him perform oral sex on me.
5. I’m not gay, but there are times I think that I am bisexual because I look at guys and find them sexually appealing. I would never act on it though.
6. I’m not gay, but sometimes the thought of anal penetration turns me on.
7. I’m not gay, but when I was in college, we would all get stoned/drunk and have big orgies where everyone was having sex with everyone.
8. I’m not gay, but I have a fantasy about both of us having sex with another man.

The sad part is that each one of these partial confessions always starts the same way: I’M NOT GAY, BUT…. And now the wife is more trapped than ever. How can they break up a marriage just on their own perceptions based on partial truths?

I have wives that write to me about the extensive research they do on human sexuality. They are looking for my stamp of endorsement for their discoveries that their husbands aren’t gay, just sexually “different” or “deviant.” It seems if they can get my professional opinion that their situation is not like the thousands of others that I have worked with, they can learn to cope in their marriages and accept that life isn’t always a bowl of cherries. On the other hand, it’s not always a bowl of pits either. It’s actually a bowl of half eaten cherries with the pits still in tact—sometimes, anyway.

These women struggle more than those of us who are given our walking papers or as I like to call it, “freedom.” Those of us riding the freedom trail may be hurting for a while, but eventually we can lick our wounds and start life over. We don’t have the shackles of homosexuality tying us to a husband who just won’t be honest with us or in many cases, himself.

Limbo Women have the lowest self-esteem of all of us because they do personalize that the lack of love that their husbands can show them sexually is because of their failings. After they’ve exhausted every trick known to womankind without any success or movement, they admit defeat. Nothing they do makes it change. No diet, no breast implant, no sexy clothes, no new hair style, no new approaches to sexual satisfaction is going to move their husbands into the straight zone. Eventually, they admit defeat, but still don’t understand why everything they try is not working on anything in their relationship.

Some of these wives cope by developing their own “on-the-sides” personal lives. They meet some straight man on the Internet who can boost their self-esteem by telling them all the things their husbands should be saying but don’t say. Sometimes these Internet affairs are lifesavers when women start giving up hope on themselves. Some of these wives cope by finding real-life affairs, going outside the boundaries of their morals, religious beliefs, and vows, making them feel better on one end, but worse on the other. And still other women cope by popping pills that numb their minds and lower their libido just so they can keep living in the state of limbo.

And so life just keeps moving along, day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, and year-by-year. Limbo Women attend family holidays, friend events like birthdays and anniversaries, and office Christmas parties of their Limbo Husbands. They stand like a trophy next to a man who needs a wife to show off to prove to the world that “I AM NOT GAY. HERE IS MY PROOF.” The Limbo Wife allays the suspicions that everyone else has about the Limbo Man. It confuses the public at large who thinks it is able to identify people of a different sexual orientation because gay men don’t get married? Right? Or even if they do, they don’t stay married, right? Wrong.

Limbo Men stay married as long as their wives stay in limbo with them. Limbo Women are willing to fine tune their brains not to think about what they don’t have. Rather, they try to focus on what the do have:

1. I have a nice home.
2. I have beautiful children.
3. I have friendly neighbors.
4. I have good in-laws who don’t find too much fault with me (namely because you’re covering up the family secret for them.)
5. I have a companion when I go on vacations.
6. I have a good friend.
7. I have a good friendship.
8. I have a husband who won’t leave.

That’s right, Limbo Woman, he won’t leave. He’s going to be by your side forever and ever because a Limbo Man doesn’t leave. If he leaves, that means he might be dealing with whom he really is and what he does on the side might become front and center. This would upset the balance in his life and throw him out of the sphere of being emotionally straight. And that’s a scary world that he just doesn’t want to have to face. Life as a Limbo Man is too easy for him. It’s also safe and secure.

Want to know something funny? Limbo Men think that their Limbo Wives know the truth—at least on some level. They think that all of the little clues that they have been confronted on prove that you know the truth somewhere in their Limbo Minds. And believe it or not, they feel that for this reason, you accept who they are. You can accept their little dalliances and dibs into that foreign world that neither of you really want to talk about. They think that your avoidance of the subject after a while is a form of acceptance. They don’t see you running anywhere, and they also see you accepting that marriage can be built on friendship. You’ve given them the biggest gift of all—the end of sexual pressure. You’ve learned how to live with them in Sexual Limbo—or abstinence. Your Limbo Libido has gone off into the distance—either with someone else or out the door or body. Whatever. He breathes a big sigh of relief. You are now the perfect wife.

Of course, you’re not really the perfect wife. He still finds fault with you because you are a woman. And he is a gay man in disguise. It’s never quite the right chemistry. He’s never really happy living in between two worlds. He’s comfortable, but never really happy. And he’ll find ways to blame you for his unhappiness. It will be little things that make you feel stupid. After all, he thinks you’re stupid. He thinks you know he’s gay and you’re willing to live with it. How smart could you be?

And so the years will pass. Your best years will pass in front of your eyes. Yes, the best years—those years where you could have been living a life without deceit, contempt, and sexual rejection. And before you know it, you’ll look around and realize that you can’t get back what you have lost. You’ll never know how far you could have gone in life because you never had a cheering team cheering you on. You will never be inspired to write poems that have love and hope, but rather your poetry talks of sadness and loneliness. I suppose there is a market out there for poetry of the forlorn. Someone may be smart enough to publish a book on “Poetry for the Limbo Woman.” It’s sure to sell a million.

And so, my dear Limbo Women, my heart does go out to you. I feel as if you are walking in the valley of No Zone. Not quite here, not quite there. But the good news is that you can move into another time zone. You can join the freedom trail and look at life as a new adventure, just waiting for you. You can make a decision that you’ve had enough of Limbo Land and want to spend whatever remaining years you have finding yourself and a new sense of enjoyment. You can learn that life can be like a romantic comedy. You can laugh and love again no matter how old you are. Romance is never an age—it’s a state of mind. And even though living with your Limbo man has dulled yours, you can still take your life back and live it the way you want to. You may not win the battle, but you can definitely win the war.

MAILBAG

Dear Bonnie,

Your most recent newsletter rang true to my situation. You may use my letter and first name if you wish.

Looking back, my 30-year relationship seemed to be lacking. I knew something was wrong but was afraid of the truth and my partner was a master at deceit. In the last 6 months, I've learned he's been having sex with men. He says it's only been during the last year but I wonder if that's true. I saw an increase in our sexual activity during the last 4-5 years and became very comfortable and contented and thought the increased frequency meant commitment. Wrong! I'm learning now that it was probably a result of his encounters with men or Internet activity. Even though he says he's bisexual, I believe he prefers men. I don't understand desiring both sexes. I've tried and end up feeling angry and inadequate. Don't let sex fool you. You could just be the "release" as my counselor suggests and this is not a happy fulfilling situation.

Faye

The next letter may help those of you who are still having trouble finding out the computer activity. Spy software can capture all activity going on with your computer from emails to websites.

THIS SITE IS THE BEST!!!!







Bonnie,

Just thought I’d let you know that I caught him! He still denies, but I know. I bought Spectorsoft, a recording program and saw what he was looking at on our computer. He says he was just curious, blah, blah, blah, but I know. Suspicions are confirmedin my eyes. You can mention to your readers that the program, while expensive ($99.00) was well worth it. If it weren’t for it, I still wouldn’t know.I appreciate your support and continue to enjoy your newsletters.While I am still in my marriage and house, I won’t be for long. It’s time to move on…Thanks!
Sandy

Hugs,
Bonnie Kaye

SEXUAL FREQUENCY SURVEY, October, 2003

SEXUAL FREQUENCY SURVEY

I am the first to admit that I don’t know everything. Or rather, let me say, I don’t know or understand a lot of things when it comes to male “out of the norm” sexuality. I wish I did because it would make life so much simpler for all of us. I receive letters daily seeking advice with some of the toughest questions: Here’s a sample:

Is my husband gay if he says he thinks he is but he has never acted on his homosexuality? How does he know he’ll like it?

1. Is my husband gay if he still has sex with me after 20 years?
2. Is my husband gay if he only looks at gay porno?
3. Isn’t it true that men who were molested in childhood act out through homosexual acts when they are older?
4. Is my husband gay if he has gay fantasies but swears he will never act on them?
5. Is my husband gay just because he had one meaningless encounter with a man 10 years ago?
6. My husband has oral sex with me. Doesn’t that prove he’s not gay?
7. My husband says he would like to have a three-some with him, me, and another man. He also wants to have sex with the other man. Does this make him gay or just kinky?
8. My husband wants to have sex with me, but only from behind me. He also wants me to insert a vibrator or dildo into his anal area. Does this make him gay? He says that the thought of sex with men is disgusting.

Now, if I had heard any of these stories, once, twice, or three times, I might think that there are some oddities here. But I hear them often. And boy, are we confused.

So here’s my overall answer—BEATS ME. Yep, I’m the first to admit that I just don’t understand it all. And guess what? I DON’T WANT TO UNDERSTAND IT ALL. It seems much too complicated for me to analyze and pick apart. It would probably take me years to look for the psychological reasoning of each man’s sexual differences.

I can give you the standard gay theory that sexuality is on a continuum. Some people are totally heterosexual, and other people are totally gay. But many are somewhere in between the two ends. So where does that leave us? With a world filled with men who are sorta-kinda gay but not really? I don’t think so.

I’ve been attacked by groups of “Bisexual” men who claim that I see things in terms of black and white when there are many shades of gray. Okay, I’m guilty of that accusation. But let me tell you why.

Even if a man is capable of having sexual encounters with a woman, I have issues with being with a man who is thinking of men, fantasizing about men, viewing gay porno, and finding himself in gay chatrooms for sexual stimulation. It makes me uncomfortable. I would always have to wonder if he is turned on by me or by fantasizing about men when he is with me just so he can sexually perform. I would think about that during every sexual encounter, taking away the possible pleasure even if there could be pleasure.

One of the problems that so many women face is that lack of admission by their husbands about homosexuality. These men claim that they are straight, regardless of the fact that they are into gay porno, videos, chatrooms, etc. When their wives bring up the subject of possible homosexuality, their husbands go into tirades calling their wives crazy, delusional, and paranoid. All this does is further diminish any sense of self-trust a woman has. She starts questioning over and over in her mind if she is imagining something that isn’t there. The truth is, women who have straight husbands never have to spend time thinking about this issue.

But then again, what is gay? There is a gay writer, Matt Pearcy, who will soon publish his book of interviews with gay men who were married and their struggle in coming out. To quote his last newsletter, “In my discussions with gay or bisexual married (or formerly married) men I hear them say they don’t want to be labeled. They feel that using the terms gay or bi or not-straight is too limiting.” He goes on to discuss reasons why men who sleep with men don’t want to be labeled. He also states that it your not behavior that determines what a man is, but rather how he identifies himself. Thus, if a man has sex with another man, but identifies himself as straight, well, then, he is straight. He claims that identity is more than how you behave, it’s how you feel about yourself.

Now, Matt’s a great guy. He’s a great “gay” guy. Matt has no confusion about his identity. He has never had the need to marry a woman to identify himself as straight. He has known what he is for many years and has come to terms with his homosexuality. Matt also tries hard to understand the thinking of men who marry straight women, and sincerely wants to share those experiences with other gay men. Matt himself has never married. And although this doesn’t negate his ability to write about this subject, it may cause his opinions to be too one sided to understand the emotional pain that women go through in their lives when trying to unravel this puzzle

I don’t believe that Matt is advocating this position, but rather just writing about it based on the responses that he has obtained from interviewing gay married men who like to identify themselves as straight rather than accept or admit to their homosexual behavior. And I’ve written so to tell him that. I believe that coming to terms with the homosexual identity can be the most difficult step in life which is why I tip my hat to those men who do so and are honest with their wives. Yes, it hurts like hell when you tell her, but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as those men who will never come forth with the truth.

What constitutes homosexuality? Can it only be identified as those men who have decided that they are no longer sexually performing and emotionally involved with a woman? I think not. I know of gay men who still want to bed their wives years after they have homosexual relationships with men. Gay men run the gamut in their sexual desires. My dear friend Becky will tell you how her husband had sex with her on a frequent basis up until the end of their marriage when he left for a man. More amazingly, now five years later, and still with his male friend, he still approaches her for sex whenever he visits the children. Does that make him not gay? I think not again!

We are confused, for sure. What is gay anyway? What happens when you have no proof? And what is proof? Most women think that proof is a full confession smattered with details or finding something so totally concrete like walking in on their husbands having sex with a man. Chances are, in most cases, neither one is going to happen. Then you just have to go on gut instinct because there is nothing else to go on.

Women with straight husbands don’t think of gay as the reason for their husbands’ alienation or lack of affection. They think that their husbands are having affairs—with women. For a woman to take it to the next step and start thinking that it’s a possibility of “homosexuality” means that there has to be some evidence, either conscious or subconscious, that the wife is encountering. This is why I tell women to “Trust Tour Instincts.” Yep, I tell them that because these instincts come from somewhere—and not from nowhere.


And so, my readers, help me out here. Please reply to this situation with your own stories that I can reprint with either your first name or anonymously. If you are a woman whose husband is still having sex with you and you know that he’s also desiring men, speak up so that others can understand that gay doesn’t necessarily mean MEN ONLY. It means MEN preferably, but not necessarily ONLY.

The real bottom line is—CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT. BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS. If your husband is aroused by or having sex with men, is this something you can live with? Is this something you want to live with? And chances are if he’s wanting a man on any level—including fantasy—it’s taking its toll on your self-esteem.

By the way, one of my online support group members, Trina, recently made a statement that really stuck with me. It was so simple, and yet it said it all. She told me that she was going to rent some romantic videos for the evening to see how straight men act. As innocent as Trina meant this statement to be is as powerful as it really is. I think this is probably one of the best ways to get some reality in check. Compare the actions of your husband to those of a man in love with a woman in a movie. Trust me, he’s not thinking about men when he’s kissing the leading lady. If you can’t be a leading lady in your relationship, then you are cheating yourself out of your right as a woman.

Love, Bonnie Kaye

From the Mail Bag September, 2003

FROM THE MAIL BAG

Bonnie,
I read with interest your newsletter on anti-depressants. Let me give you my story about to go and I (we were not married, had, however, lived together for several years - we both have children, but not with each other - my child is grown, his are with his ex wife):It was during the time that I knew "something" was wrong ...there WAS an elephant in our living room.. of course, he knew it wasn't an elephant, he knew it was his secret lover. "I" was the one with the problem, all was well with him...he couldn't "understand" why I felt something was wrong...it must have been in my head.That's when I started to feel like I was losing it. Looking back, it was a "Gaslight" situation, but I didn't know that, then. I just knew I was losing it and I had the hole in the gut feeling that something was wrong, yet I couldn't put my finger on it.That's when I started to snoop. That's when I found "the love letter".That's when I hightailed it to my doctor and fell apart in the office.That's when I started on anti depressants.I didn't tell him I knew.... and I didn't/wouldn't let him touch me.I left, making an excuse that I needed to live with my dad for awhile,because he needed help (it was less than 2 miles away) .. and I wouldstill see him every night .. I just wouldn't sleep there.That was a hellish time... it only lasted about 6 weeks... 6 weeks of me knowing the truth, hinting at the truth, driving by on nights that I told him I 'couldn't make it over' to see the that strange white car in the driveway... wanting for him to tell me, but not wanting to hear it.

Hoping I was so wrong. Hoping that it was not at all what it seemed. I remember borrowing a friends car, putting on a man's coat and hat and a pair of big glasses and following the 2 of them ... they just went to Lowe's, but dammit, "THEY" picked out the kitchen wallpaper border and put it up that night ... I could watch them as I drove by ....the car was there until the next morning, and the guest bed hadn't been slept in... I booby trapped it so I would know if someone slept there. The next day, he "surprised" me with the wallpaper, saying he did it all by himself just for me.

Every time I looked at those stupid little apples, all I could see was gay sex.

By then, I guess the anti depressants had kicked in, it had been over a month and I did not drive my car over a cliff or into his gay face, so they must have worked. (Joanie without the anti depressants would not have been so kind.)I finally broke him down into admitting the truth to me 6 weeks after I found the love letter. Then, I wanted him to suffer. I wanted him to await my test results .. I wanted him to see me cry. I wanted him to know that I thought he was a liar and a snake and that he had lost any ounce of respect I ever had for him.I wanted him to feel the pain. I would go there every night and make him admit all the times he lied and told him in EXPLICIT words what I thought of him. He had to sit there, shut up and take it, or I would out him to the world and he knew it. I wanted him to feel my pain, which of course, he never could. After about 2 weeks of this, I had said all that needed to be said, and told him never to contact me again or I would 'out' him to his family and the world.Things were fine .I stayed on my meds and started moving on...even dated someone wonderful.... even had real straight sex... got back mygroup of friends, and started living again. Life was good.A few months later, he called... he said he "knew he was risking everything"but it was worth it to him because he loved me and it was a "mistake" and it would never happen again, blah blah blah. Well, I think that at this time, the meds had made me so complacent, that I fell for it. Without the meds, I would have taken the telephone to his house and put it where he probablywould have enjoyed it.Anyway, for several months, okay, over a year, I started seeing him again.. I did NOT move back in with him, but we did resume a sexual relationship (I know --- duhhh) and I guess we had what you would call the honeymoon stage. Slowly, the nasty side of him started reappearing - not the gay sex thing - I would have killed him - meds or not. But, his frustration started coming out in many ways and he started treating me like dirt.. I was taking it and didnt know why ... I knew better. So, I went off the meds (under doctor's care) and a couple of months later, I had the strength to finally tell him "ENOUGH" of his abuse, lying and gayness.I finally found my strength again.. the complacency was gone ... and so was I. It has now been almost 6 months. I have changed my home phone number, blocked his email and threatened him with a restraining order and his face on a billboard advertising butt plugsif he ever even THINKS of contacting me again. We live less than 2 miles apart, and I have changed the grocery storeI shop in, and have avoided being anywhere near his house - have notdriven by once (YAY!) because I do not CARE what he does now.He is not my problem, anymore.But, I had to respond to your letter, because the anti-depressants helped me to SURVIVE in the beginning ... but, they also allowed me to foolishly GO BACK and "try to work it out" - because, at the time, the meds made me unable to realize the sheer futility of this. (I always wonder how much farther ahead I would be had I not dumped the great straight guy I was seeing and gone back to tgo) ... Stopping the meds finally helped me LEAVE at the end.So, in the beginning they saved my life, (and his) but later on, they prolonged my letting go and moving on.

Hope this makes sense. Keep up your amazing work!!!! I wait for your newsletter every month!
Joanie

The next letter is from Sherry, who wrote in response to the August newsletter. I received a large response to that newsletter, more than usual. The subject that I am referring to was about gay husbands loving their wives when they got married and for many years throughout the marriage. I think women needed to hear this to validate the good years of their marriage before things fell apart.
Sherry writes:


Your newsletter came at a perfect time. My husband and I have been separated since April, yet still have a close bond between us, primarily due to our 2 children and our business. Since April he has been living with his lover.

Two weeks age he called me at 1:00 am and asked if he could spend the night, I said sure. He got up the next morning and went to work, nothing was said, nothing was asked. I went into work about 2:00pm and he left. About 2:20 he called and said the reason he stayed last night was him and his partner had a big fight, he had been trying to get out of the relationship for a long time. When he got home he found his partner dead on the floor, he had committed suicide.

Since that day he has been staying in my guest room. I still consider him my best friend and I wouldn’t turn away a friend in a time of need. But in a lot of ways it has been difficult. I think I had just gotten used to living alone and was moving forward. I still am moving forward, but some old wounds were also opened. For many years we had a great marriage. It was hard for me to believe that he never loved me and I've thought I can never get involved with anyone again because I thought I was a good wife and it was all an illusion. Your newsletter made me realize that those years were real, we did have something special at least for a while.

And know, as much as it hurts and as much as I wish everything was different, I am grateful for what we do have - a strong friendship and we still do a great job parenting our beautiful children together. Thank you, I needed to know something was real.

CELEBRATING OUR 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, September, 2003

CELEBRATING OUR 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

On September 10, it was the 25th anniversary of my wedding to my gay ex-husband. Some people think that it is odd that my ex and I celebrate that day every year. After all, what is there really to celebrate? Our years together as a married couple were not good years. In retrospect, they were horrible years. They were years of battle, confusion, and mental berating. They were dark years that over-clouded the good moments like having our children. Those were the years when suicide or homicide seemed like a viable solution to my unhappiness. Thankfully, my ex left in time for me to avoid either one. And once he left, my strength returned in time for me to say “NO” when he came back suitcase in hand a week later. NO MORE. No more lies, twisted truths, or living in a twilight zone. I wanted reality and serenity back in my life.

In the years following our split, there were times when we went to war many more times. And yet, I was determined to make our divorce work out better than our marriage. If we didn’t have two children, it would have been a swift and final goodbye. But when you have children, you find yourself intertwined for life with the father of your children. I had the upper hand to some degree once he left when it came to what I would tolerate, or at least I thought I did. There were plenty of violations of my wishes on the occasions when he would be with the children, some leading to horrific fighting and verbal abuse. But I tried to always stay focused on the priority issue—the security of my children.

Sometimes it was impossible. Sometimes he went over the borderline of what was acceptable. And that’s when silence set in for days, weeks, or months. But inevitably, some problem with the children would force us to face each other, and we resumed life as a family unit under different roofs. It’s been a long and winding road with lots of twists and turns going in different directions. But our common bonds bring us back together time after time.

After our daughter passed away last year at the age of 22, my ex told me that he didn’t want to fight with me anymore. He really has made an effort to keep the peace and not let things blow out of proportion. When he sees that we are starting to move down that path, he changes the course so we don’t end up falling off track. After all, we still have our son who bonds us together. And when I feel like my temperature is rising, I quickly tell him that I have to go and hang up the phone. So we’ve been keeping the peace relatively well for a while. We both know if we have a problem, we are there for each other, and that’s the best you can ask for in a divorce situation.

When I look back over the past two decades of our separated and divorced years, I don’t have too many regrets over allowing my ex to be part of our lives. There’s a part of him that I love—like a family member, not as a husband. I still believe it is always best to try to find some kind of middle ground when you have children. Friendship is the best route when possible. But settle for communication if you can’t have the friendship.

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS August, 2003

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS

I have had an increasing number of gay men who have been writing to me in recent months. For the most part, they are men who are either in marriages or recently left marriages and are having difficulty dealing with “guilt” for the unhappiness they have brought their wives and families.

I always applaud these men because they are honest—at least at some point. Whenever I read these stories, I feel tremendous compassion for the tragedy that has fallen on the families at all ends.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am writing about this at all. This newsletter is, after all, primarily there to support straight women who are suffering and struggling through this situation. But guess what? I’m there for the men also who are in pain and need support. Maybe misery loves company, but from where I’m sitting, no one has to really be miserable in the long run.

In my heart, I believe that most gay men who marry are hoping against hope that homosexuality will be a thought or thing of the past once marriage comes along to “save” them. And no matter how much most straight wives believe that gay men know they are gay when they get married, I don’t believe that at all. I have come to learn that there are many gay married men who haven’t acted on their homosexual feelings, or even had homosexual feelings, until years into the marriage.

Am I an apologist? Of course not. I’m just a realist and a humanist. And I’m also honest. I see both sides of this one-sided situation. I can’t even begin to imagine the struggle that gay men go through when learning to accept who they are. I understand all of the societal and family pressures that make them try so hard to be who they are not. I’ve seen all kinds of people trying to change because of fear. And in this time of enlightenment of humankind, some lights just seem to be snuffed out by ignorance. We are still living in a society that tells us that homosexuality is a deviant practice. Millions of vocal people still believe that there are choices to be made, and people can decide to be “straight” if only they try hard enough or are strong enough. It takes great courage and conviction to say, “The hell with what people think—I am what I am.” It takes courage because being who you are can result in terrible consequences such as the loss of family members including parents, being outcast in the community, discrimination on the job, and in some cases, physical violence by ignorant people who are looking to pounce on gays just because they are gay.

Until the day comes when gay is viewed no differently than straight, gay men who can “perform” straight sex, even minimally or poorly, will do all that they can to convince themselves that they are straight. Is this what I would call denial? No, this is what I would call illusion. Or delusion. At best, confusion. And how confusing must it be when gay men truly fall in love with straight women because love itself is confusing?

I have rarely met a gay man who has stated that he got married and didn’t love his wife. Maybe he wasn’t able to love her the way she needed to be loved, but how would he know that? How many straight men marry women who they really don’t totally love because they feel pressured or obligated? In a society that has a divorce rate that is nearly 50%, I’d say a lot. And even worse, how many bad straight marriages stay together when they should be ended because people are unhappy? Far too many that I see. People just get “stuck in the muck” and accept that this is what life is about. Yuck.

Now, that being said, let me return to my real issue. To summarize so that I am very, very clear:

1. I believe that most gay men who marry do love their wives when they marry them.
2. I believe that most gay men who get married try their best to be the kind of husband they think they’re supposed to be.
3. I believe that most gay men who marry really want to be straight.
4. I believe that most gay men who marry don’t think they are gay when they get married.

Am I doing good so far?

So let me analyze these statements a little further.

1. I believe that most gay men who marry do love their wives when they marry them. I don’t believe that most gay men who marry are looking to “use” their wives at the time of marriage. It is their real intent to pull things together and create a loving family unit. Some of these men have had homosexual sexual encounters, but they believe that this is “normal” for guys. Hey look, I grew up with those reports from knowledgeable doctors like Kinsey who said the majority of men have some kind of homosexual encounter sometime in life. Why shouldn’t we believe that it is “normal” to have a few innocent encounters? Also, sexuality is very confusing throughout the teens and 20’s. Almost any touch and feel can feel exciting. Plenty of straight women have told me that they had a good sex life in the early years of their marriage. That’s why so much confusion sets in. I think another issue here is that other gay men know who they are so much earlier in the game. They say that from the time they were small, they always knew they were attracted to men. This is an important lesson—not all gay men are the same, at least when it comes to recognizing who they are and what they feel. Acknowledged.

2. I believe that most gay men who get married try their best to be the kind of husband they think they’re supposed to be. Some are good husbands, at least for many years. They are good friends, good providers, good fathers, and good partners. They try to live up to the expectations of what married life is supposed to be. I know this because so many women write to me so brokenhearted after telling me that they had a wonderful marriage. I admit I found this hard to believe in the beginning. That’s because my own marriage was so miserable. But guess what? My ex had relationships with guys after me and they were just as miserable as my marriage was. He didn’t treat his partners with any more kindness than he treated me. It’s just who he is. He’s a solo act who does not belong in a loving relationship. I also believe, however, that even though they try, they fall short of the expectations. They are gay men living in a straight marriage. They don’t belong there because they are gay. They are trying to play a “role” that they can’t interpret the right way because it’s not who they are.

3. I believe that most gay men who marry really want to be straight. If someone has the opportunity to be straight, believe me he is going to take it. If he can feel love towards a woman, he’s going to give the straight thing his very best try. And why not? Why wouldn’t he at least try to be straight? Maybe this “marriage thing” will be what he needs to make those nagging feelings or suspicions fade away—FOREVER. I believe that many gay men love their wives so much that they are “Temporarily Straight.” I even believe that some men have no clue that they have male attractions when they marry—especially young. NOT EVERY MAN HAS A YEARNING FOR MEN FROM THE TIME THEY ARE YOUNG. Some do, but not all. Time seems to be the great determining factor. The more time that goes by, the less the straight thing seems to work. Everyone’s body seems to have a different timer when it comes to sexuality. There isn’t a set day, time, or age that every man feels that big pull. Some know it early on, but many really don’t know it until later on. There is no logical answer here or predictor of when these feelings will surface.

4. I believe that most gay men who marry don’t think they are gay when they get married. Okay, some men know or strongly suspect. But I believe that most gay men don’t know they are gay when they get married, even if they have had sexual encounters with other men. They mistakenly feel that gay sex is not part of being gay. They think that gay means you have to be part of the gay world—and they are not. They may have had gay sexual encounters, but it wasn’t personal or emotional—just sex. They didn’t love their sexual partners or in many cases, even known their encounter partners, nor had a desire to do so. It was just a sexual act. Big deal. Their “straight side” is far more dominant than that gay sex thing. They love their wives—they make love to their wives. And in most cases, they can enjoy sex with their wives—at least for a while. I also believe that those men who believe they are gay are hoping that with a loving marriage, they will become straight. I don’t think most gay men go into a marriage thinking, “I’ll be a straight husband for my wife, but a gay lover for my gay relationships.” They are really hoping that gay will go away.

I bring up these points for several reasons. I don’t want straight wives to think that gay husbands have evil intentions when they get married. I know this is ridiculous. Some marriages have wonderful years together, and these are the marriages that are the most difficult to move past. These are the marriages where women hang in hoping that someday their husbands will wake up and realize what they gave up. Some women get hung up on thinking that their husbands will come to their senses when they realize that they are throwing away their marriages and families over some sex act. They just can’t understand. Or in some cases, they just don’t want to understand. How can a sexual act mean more than the love of a family?

Ironically, those husbands who eventually tell the truth are the ones who are looking for more than sexual encounters. They are looking for a soulmate who can understand their needs. We are not the soulmates they are longing to hold, caress, hug, and feel intimacy with. We can’t fulfill that need because we are women.

I do admire the honest men even if it takes time for them to be honest. Who I feel contempt for are the dishonest men who will torture their wives for years by making them think that there is nothing wrong with them—only their wives. These are the cowards who go out and do their thing and continue to lie about it to their wives. These are the men who are denying who they are when they are out there doing their gay thing. These men are not in denial because they are not denying themselves anything. They are in ‘DENYING”—DENYING to their wives what the truth is. These are men who want it all—a straight life, gay sex, and a cover for the public at large.

Sadly, too many of these “Denying” men justify their actions by saying that they love their wives too much to tell them. They are willing to keep living their lies figuring what their wives don’t know can’t hurt them. So often I get letters from men telling me they are so torn because they love their wives so much. Now these are the men who I can convince to do the right thing because they really love their wives enough to stop hurting them. And it ain’t easy, believe me. It’s a process that we go through where I make them understand how much more they are hurting their wives by lying to and cheating on them. These are the men that I can convince that living a lie is NOT beneficial to their wives. They start to understand the detrimental effect it has on a woman when you are somewhere that you don’t want to be because it’s not where you should be. You start picking fights just so that sex doesn’t have to become an issue. No one wants to make love with a man who is insulting, angry, or detached. Unfortunately, it is rare for a straight wife to ever say, “I’m married to a jerk—he’s the loser.” Instead she says, “Why doesn’t my husband love me anymore? I’m the loser.” It’s human nature. Women are socialized that way. The failure in the marriage is “their” failure even though they are the best of wives. Sad, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, there are lots of selfish, insecure men out there who just will not be honest with themselves or with their wives. These are men who justify their misactions by saying that they are sex addicts, fetish lovers, or bisexuals. A rose by any other name is still a rose I say. The power of “DENYING” IS VERY POWERFUL.

I also feel anger for the gay husbands who finally come out when they are ready and expect that their wives are just as ready as they are to accept their news. It’s taken them 10 or 20 years to come to terms with their homosexuality, but it’s only supposed to take us 10 or 20 minutes. Give me a break. When men write to me and say, “It’s been a month since I told my wife. Why is it taking her so long to accept it?” I get angry. They lack compassion and understanding. They are in a big hurry to lead their new life without giving their wives the time they need to recover from the news. This is heart aching, marriage breaking news that is very hard for a straight woman to grasp all at once. Those men who wake up one day and decide they can be who they really are and say, “Hi Honey, I’m not home anymore” need to find a better way to make their announcements.

But enough with the bad guys. I’m here to praise the brave men who do what needs to be done, namely, telling the truth and looking for solutions for both partners for the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. I recognize your struggle. I sympathize with your pain. And I admire your integrity for leading your wives out of the darkness so that one day they can see the light again.

Much Love and Hope,

Bonnie Kaye

MAILBAG May, 2003

MAILBAG

Hi Bonnie,Just read your latest newsletter. Its strange how after years of distancing myself from those issues and working at rebuilding I relegate all "that knowledge" to an intellectual level, feeling that I am sooo beyond it - been there, done that and now I can dispassionately look at it without a shred of emotion......WRONG ! Out of the blue, something is said, or written and wham - hits me in the gut and I'm back there again crying my eyes out over the memories and pain I thought I'd cast away forever. This particular newsletter hit me that way ! You didn't introduce anything new.....nothing that all of us haven't mouthed and acknowledged a thousand times, yet....... perhaps the narrow focus, relentlessness and analogies you used presented such a concentrated dosage that the reader cannot help but have to face it. One can't circumvent it when faced with it in so strong a manner. At least I couldn't Every single point you made struck home with such familiarity!I'm sure I'm not the only one who reacted this way and for this, I thank you as it so needs to be said, repeated, emphasized over and over andover again, as all of us still carry shreds of this disquieting notion of mea culpa. Thank you for so dramatically and clearly presenting it.
Luv, Dina

Dear Bonnie Kaye,
I could just HUG you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your newsletter is RIGHT ON TARGET this month!!! I could never put into words how bad I felt about myself for the snooping and suspecting any man he ever talked to, the wild thoughts and visions that filled my every waking and sleeping moments ..... and the mental torment I put myself through, beating myself up for that!It is SO NICE to be OUT of the TWILIGHT ZONE, as you so perfectly put it! Admittedly, those thoughts or visions still creep in occasionally and I still have those "DUHHHHHH CLUE # 4,653 moments" when I remember something he said or something he did .... but, I know it was NOT MY FAULT and we truly WERE in different ballparks, although he had hung Yankee signs in the Boston park and I thought I was in NY.Thank you - thank you - thank you!!!!!!!! I REALLY needed this today!!!Keep up your good work ... you are helping more people than you will ever know!
Joanie

Bonnie,
Not taking the whole thing personally, like "If I had been a better wife,mother, and lover, I wouldn't be divorced!" is very hard. I need toremember that from time to time.On the subject of how they try to make it our fault, my x told me that Ispent too much time reading, doing craft projects and going to church. He accused me of wanting to make him into"Pot Roast Harry" whoever that is.........
I love you!
Judy

Dear Bonnie,

Wow. You really hit the nail on the head with this one. I feel like you totally understand what I went through in the years of my failing marriage and the self-blame in addition to my ex-husband's blame of me for its demise. I wish he could read your words and understand what a hellacious existence that was for me but alas, he still has his blinders on and will never really "get it", especially as intent as he is on hiding the truth and deflecting responsibility. He still insists we were both responsible for the break-up of our marriage and that my faults were grossly understated in relation to his big revelation about his attraction to men. He says all the things you mentioned: I was a nag, paranoid, had trust issues, couldn't love, couldn't give, was selfish, demanding, couldn't be pleased, had an attitude against men etc. etc. Damn, was I awful or what??And despite all this, he is still (2 years post-separation and divorce) trying to get me back and incredibly, sometimes the words even sound good to me! We have gone on some dates and been intimate a few times (I should shoot myself) but I don't know why I keep doing this!! I hate being a single parent and now being away from him its sometimes easy to get lulled into that false sense of security that maybe he's changed. (I am the one who wrote to you several months ago about his abuse and our ugly court battle) I have to see him all the time b/c of our 6 yr old daughter and it royally sucks because I can't seem to get on with my life.. He is heavily involved with the church and still won't admit to anyone his gay feelings etc. He insists he's never acted on it and yet he said that during the marriage and I was there when he made an open pass at another married guy!

It was devastatingly painful and thank you for this last newsletter reminding me of the craziness of that time. I swear to you, I had almost blocked it out. I am vulnerable and lonely and he still knows the buttons to push. Not to mention that I never wanted this--- to be single and a single mom and have no money, family life, support etc. I left HIM which he still insists is my fault but that he'd forgive me if I just came back to him etc. I only left him b/c of what you described! I couldn't win! Thank you so much for saying in words what happened b/c I've been getting as delusional as he is again.

Why on earth do you think he still wants me back? After the court battle, the ugliness and everything? He insists he has attractions to men but they're only a result of his insecurity and lack of feeling masculine and that he'd be faithful to me. I don't even know why I'm entertaining these things except that my self-esteem is very shot after all that stuff and now I don't feel good enough for anybody. Plus, I'm scared to death of losing custody of my little girl b/';c he presents so well and can make me look emotional and crazy. He is quite the actor, which I tend to forget at times. He swears he loves me and that he wants us to be a family again and sometimes I am just so WEAK, b/c that's what I always wanted and may never have. But I know it would never be real with him and I'll never trust him. I guess, I'm just pretty messed up huh?

Anyway, thanks for listening. I get a lot out of your newsletters. I even showed him a few when we'd gotten together and he thinks it's evil that anyone would be so much for the woman without understanding the men's point of view. He thinks you paint us as angels and the gay ones as devils, but I know that isn't true. You simply understand that we've had enough blame. We have been devastated by husbands who refuse to look at the wreckage THEY created. And as usual, and probably for always-- he just doesn't get it!

Thanks again,

Callie

Wow Bonnie,
just read the newsletter. Seems we have something else in common that really hit home. I tried to commit suicide 4 times in my life. Twice it was official because Dan found me and took me to the hospital (gee, thanks Dan). The last time wasn't all that long ago, and I ended up losing my 2nd leg because of it. I got up and probably rammed into a wall in my wheelchair, and ripped open my foot. Shortly thereafter I lost the leg. Was it all because of my marriage to a gay man? I'm not sure. My first suicide was when I was turning 21, and was so lonely and depressed, I took a bunch of my father's pills. Just made me sleep, but honestly was an attempt to take my life. I truly wanted to die. My life was so unhappy. This was exactly the time I met Dan, he pulled me out from that depression, but it was right after finding out that the love of my life (another man) was gay!!! Thinking about this, yes, it is because of gay men and my trust in them, that I've been so suicidal.

Anyway, thanks for sharing such intimate thoughts with all the people who read your newsletter. That was a brave thing to do. I'd really love to talk to you about those times. To actually have someone who understands what suicide is all about! Well, I could use that.

Love, Holly

Thank you, Bonnie, for your newsletters. Keep 'em coming! I'm especially looking forward to reading your next newsletter, as my husband keeps telling me his online gay porno visits are more of an addiction than a sexuality issue. He feels he is in touch with being bisexual, but is committed to me and our marriage, etc.....By the way, I'm in the throes of a really rough time dealing with this, and your newsletters are like a lifeline for me. My husband has been very desperate to keep the marriage going and has made suicidal statements. He is finally in therapy (after me begging him to talk to someone for three weeks) and has let his gay brother know what is going on (only after I went to his brothers office and told him, though). He actually went to three therapists before he settled on the husband/wife team he's currently seeing. The first two confronted his denial, and the third was actually a child psych we were consulting about how to tell our son we are separating (he hoped the psych would talk me out of it). But his brother and I don't anticipate he will be able to fully come to terms with this for quite awhile. His brother gives him two years, but I can't wait that long. His brother has begged me to stay with my husband for a couple months just to help him "catch up" to where I am.Meanwhile, my husband has tried EVERYTHING, including making reservations on a cruise (I immediately told him to cancel them) to try and get me to stay in the marriage. Just like you warned in one of your earlier newsletters -- he has become an Olympic champion trying to prove his true love (and sexual attraction) for me.

I feel even more betrayed, because I really trusted that my husband would have been honest with me about his sexuality. However, I'm seeing that he is so closeted EVEN TO HIMSELF that he is only beginning to fathom how his dishonesty has affected me.I am basically hanging in here (but not allowing any physical contact) for my son's sake until the end of the school year. I feel like we're setting up tag-team parenting. It's hard having to stay in the same house because I've never lost my own sexual attraction for my husband -- do you understand? And we had a pretty good sexual thing going on occasion. We had just come back from a two-week beach resort vacation and had a pretty good time -- but of course, it was just a week later I found all this porno stuff going on. And my reaction was not one of hurt or surprise, but rather, resignation, I think. It was like an "ah-hah; so THAT's what's been going on" moment.I want us to be able to maintain a friendship so that someday we can sit next to each other at one of our son's basketball games, and cheer for him together, even though we may by then have different partners. I know that's somewhat of a fantasy, but perhaps it can be a goal...So, all of this to say how important your newsletter is for me.
Danette


Dear Bonnie,
I just wanted to tell you what a light in the darkness you have been. I think your strength through all your trials- your gay marriage, and losing your beloved daughter- is a true testament to the human spirit and an inspiration to all of us who have been or are currently married to gay men.I always shouldered the burden for my husband's unhappiness before reading your letters. I also never allowed myself to be angry at my husband's treatment of me. Do you remember that quote by Gordon Liddy, the one he made while holding his hand over an open flame? He said "the trick is not to mind it." That quote went through my head constantly during my hellish marriage, and reading your and other women's stories made me realize that I did mind it, and that I should mind it.

Even now, my husband is coming back wanting some way to "work out" our marriage. I was able to show him your letter "what if we were married to straight men". I read him the sentence where you state that at best, it is a friendship and how it will never be the stuff that love songs and poetry were made of. How glad I was to have that the time when he was using 25 years of conditioning to convince me to return to the old life. So, thank you, I only hope now that I am stronger, I can pass the strength you have given me along to others.
Beth

Thank you, Beth, for reminding women about those important words of not settling for anything less than someone who will inspire you with his love.
Well, I know this has been a longer than usual newsletter, but the feedback was worth reading, wasn’t it? If you’d like to have me print your letter in my upcoming newsletters, just let me know. Or, if your feedback is filled with feelings that others can benefit from, I’ll be sending you a note asking permission to reprint.
Love, Bonnie Kaye

DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS, May, 2003

DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS

I’ve written about this before, and probably not too long ago. But I could never write about this enough, so I’ll talk about it again. It’s what I call “Distorted Perceptions.” It’s an important part of understanding the whole concept your marriage and why it failed.

I think I’ve gotten most of you on board with understanding that you had no influence on your husband’s homosexuality. No matter how easy it is for us to fall into the trap of believing that we were not “good enough” or “smart enough” or “pretty enough” or “sexy enough” for our husbands, I hope after reading my constant reassurances, you finally understand that your husband’s homosexuality was there long before you were.

The next concept of why your marriage failed is a little more difficult for you to understand. You are still looking at your marriage as if it takes “two to tango” as the saying goes. I often hear women say, “He made mistakes, and I made mistakes,” or “We both had faults,” Let’s acknowledge that no one is perfect. Yes, we all have faults. But it is not your “faults” that created the problems in the marriage. On the other hand, it is very possible that the problems in the marriage intensified your faults.

Example? Okay. Let’s start with me revealing to you some of the problems I had in my marriage. Because of all of the erratic behavior and inconsistencies in my marriage, I was overly suspicious of my husband’s actions. Whenever I couldn’t account for his missing time, I believed he was out cheating on me. I made an automatic search of all of his belongs when he wasn’t looking. This included all of the pockets in his clothes, his little black phone book, and his wallet. I looked in the car at the mileage gauge, looked under the seats for clues of unfamiliar items, and went through the glove compartment for any suspicious papers, matchbook covers, or receipts left behind and haphazardly thrown in there. As soon as I would find a possible incriminating piece of evidence, I would confront my husband. He would get angry and yell at me how I was neurotic and ridiculous. He always had an explanation of whatever evidence I found, and he did his best to convince me that I was the one with a “vivid” imagination that was always in the overactive mode.

From where he was sitting, I looked like the overly nagging wife. Snooping didn’t become me. But I became obsessed. Once the trust was gone, there was no way for me to regain it, especially when his patterns of suspicion continued. As much as I tried to ignore what kept hitting me in the face, I was unable to do so. As time progressed, my obsession deepened. Every time he left the house, my imagination took over and images of young men jolted out in my mind. Every guy my husband spoke to became suspect to me. My reactions to people were totally different because of this. No doubt, there were many innocent people who became victims of my unfounded hostility, but I was unable to distinguish fact from fiction because of the ones who were my realities and nightmares.

Now, my husband blamed me for overreacting to almost everything. And maybe in many cases I did. Bottom line: This was not who I was, but who I became because HE WAS GAY AND LIVING A LIE. And that lie infiltrated the darkest part of my soul turning me into someone whom I didn’t recognize or even like.

There were days when I woke up and didn’t want to live any more. This was NOT ME. The real me had a passion for life that had been temporarily snuffed out. I didn’t know it was temporary while I lived it because my life was now on another plane—somewhere between the Twilight Zone and death. I say death because on three different occasions I attempted suicide. It seemed like an excellent alternative during those moments that seemed so inescapable and hopeless. This was NOT ME either. Prior to my marriage, I was so high on life. I was active, sociable, surrounded by high self-esteem, and very independent. I turned into someone who was depressed, scared, insecure, co-dependant, and crying constantly from being hurt.

The decisions and the moves that I made during my marriage were based on the mutated perceptions inside my marriage. Before I suspected that homosexuality was the cause of my unhappiness, I came to believe that it was me who was causing the problems in my marriage. If I told my husband that our marriage had problems, he would reply, “We don’t have problems—YOU have the problem. I am happy in the marriage. YOU are the unhappy one.” Many of you have written to me that your husbands tell you the same thing. The problem is YOU—not him, not the “marriage.” And naturally, my husband, as well as yours, never looks beyond the fact that YOU have a problem, because it’s always all about them. I guess I was falling into a darker hole each day so it was easy for me to believe that I was the one with the problems. He wasn’t falling into a dark hole. He seemed content, and why not? He had a wife and a life outside his wife.

He was living his lie. And it was a big lie. Not a little white lie. Lying about your sexuality is a really very big lie. VERY BIG. What is a little lie? A little lie is taking money and buying something and not telling your spouse. A little lie is getting a couple of drinks at the bar with some friends while you tell your wife you are working. A little lie is not revealing that you broke your diet, smoked a cigarette after you quit, or paying more for something than you’re supposed to but keeping quiet not to start a fight because you’ve unbalanced the family budget.

It’s not like I’m condoning lying, but I certainly do understand it. I’ve lied myself when the thought of revealing something is going to result in an unnecessary argument that can be avoided and has no real effect on the state of a relationship. To lie is human. To live a lie is different. It’s not something that is inconsequential. When you live a lie, there are always consequences for someone. In our cases, it ends up being our consequence.

The basis for a relationship should be one built on give and take. When a man stops having sex with his wife because it’s too much of a burden for him because he is gay, you are giving wrong information to your wife. I don’t hear too many men take responsibility for their lack of sexual activity other than made up stories about being too tired, too overworked, too depressed, too headachy, too sore from exercising, etc. When those excuses run out, then the tables turn. Then it’s—YOU. You are too heavy, YOU are too naggy, YOU are too unsympathetic,
YOU are too demanding, and of course…..YOU ARE A NYMPHOMANIAC or something just as insulting. Because YOU now think YOU are the problem in your marriage, YOU are the one who tries to change YOURSELF. So, now you are changing yourself to become the ideal wife of a man who doesn’t want to make love to you no matter how good you look, how nice you act, how talented you are, or of course—how devoted you are to your gay husband. Ouch! That hurts.


Eventually, after your husband rejects you enough times, you stop expecting sex, and you also stop asking for it. He breathes a deep sigh of relief. Whew!! “She finally gets it. Stop asking because you’re not going to get it.” Once your wife stops asking you to have sex, she has resigned herself to living an unhappy life with you. How happy to do you think she’s going to be? And when she’s not happy, that’s her fault too, right? Wrong. It’s the husband’s fault.

Some gay husbands believe that money is the key to happiness—YOUR happiness. They will try to compensate for their sexual inadequacy by buying you gifts and trinkets, as if that will do it for you. It’s the same pattern as the physically abusive husband who beats his wife, begs for forgiveness, tells her that he loves her, and goes out to buy a present to prove it. HYPOCRITS. Like a bracelet is going to make you feel better about yourself. “I don’t think you’re good enough to make love to, but I think you’re good enough for a bracelet.” Thanks pal—but no thanks.

I know they say that the failure of a marriage is the fault of both parties, and maybe that’s the case in functional marriages. But guess what? I don’t think it’s that way when you live with a gay man. You aren’t happy. He can’t be happy. He is saying that you are making him unhappy because of your own unhappiness. But if he would have been a straight husband, maybe you would be happy. Perhaps you could have met life’s challenges as a team instead of being on different teams. And not only are you both on different teams, but you’re both playing in different ballparks. If the pitcher for the New York Yankees throws the most perfect pitch in NY, the best player in Boston standing hundreds of miles away can’t hit it—NO MATTER WHAT. You are in two different cities on two different teams. Two different places in two different spaces.

The same goes for straight wives with gay husbands. If your husband is telling you that the lack of sex in your marriage is YOUR fault, and he is a gay man, no matter what you do to make yourself more physically attractive, and some of you have gone to the extremes of breast implants and liposuction, it’s not going to change anything. You are playing in the wrong ballpark. Or shall I say, you have the wrong plumbing.

If you think I’m saying to all of you that you are perfect and without fault, well, I’m not. No one is perfect; we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have bad days. We all have human traits, and this is fine. And no husband—straight, gay or otherwise is perfect either. I don’t think any of us are seeking perfection. We are seeking husbands who are playing in the same ballpark. And although many couples who are STRAIGHT couples grow apart, they do it in a more honest way. They don’t always look to place the blame on your lap. They take some responsibility for the marriage unraveling. And you can make sense of those marriages that don’t work without feeling that you are responsible for their failure. In a marriage with a gay husband, you don’t even know what is real and not real. You are living in a labyrinth that has only twists and turns. There is no way to ever find a way to the end of the maze. The twists and turns go nowhere except in vicious circles.

And so, when you sit back and recount the years that have passed and try to figure out what went wrong in your marriage, do yourself a favor--stop thinking about it. When you live with a gay man who is parading in disguise as a straight man, nothing can change the circumstances. Or shall I say, only you are capable of changing them—by leaving the marriage and moving on to a life that makes sense. What’s really so amazing is that life can make sense once your marriage is over. No more mazes to run through, no more Twilight Zones or Outer Limits. No more trying to solve the unsolvable, no more fighting against the unchanging tide. When you live like this, you zap your mental and physical energy because spinning gold out of hay only happens in fairytales.

DENIAL, March, 2003

DENIAL

I’d like to end this month’s newsletter with a few thoughts about the subject of “DENIAL.” I’ve been doing some rethinking about my use of this word. I realize that I’ve been making excuses for some of your gay husbands by suggesting that they are in “denial.” When husbands eventually admit to having gay sex but state they didn’t think this was “gay,” they often say it’s because they were in “denial.” In fact, I honestly believe that their gay peers also buy into this thinking. But now I think it only serves as another excuse for dishonesty. It kinda sounds good to the unsuspecting mind. “I’m sorry honey, I would have told you years ago, but I didn’t know. I didn’t understand. I was in a state of DENIAL!!!” And when a gay husband uses this as his excuse, it actually makes a horrible situation seem just a little better. It takes some of the stabbing sting away from our psyche. It generates a sort of “win-win” situation all the way around.

How? Well, let’s face it. If your husband says that he was in “DENIAL,” that means he wasn’t consciously or purposely betraying you. In fact, he wasn’t technically cheating on you. He swears he never really enjoyed it. In some cases, he can barely even remember it. He had absolutely no emotional attachments to the stranger that he spent a few quick moments with. His “thinking head” was in such a different place than his “sexual head” that he never even realized that it happened during those weeks, months or in some cases, years. How can you possibly hold this against him? He was almost like, well, for lack of a better word, a VICTIM.

Whew! Don’t you feel better? I would. And, there are even some extra bonus points here. You have more peace of mind than before because your gay husband really loves you and those momentary encounters, which only were a few seconds in a vast sea of time were simply that—momentary “BLACK-OUTS” where your honey can’t remember what happened. He can’t even remember how it started or ended. It is just a blank spot in his subconscious or, hmmm, unconscious, so to speak. He has no recollection of the actual person whom it happened with, and don’t even think about a name. There was no name. The face is a blur for sure. And after it happened, it was tucked away, or shall I say thrown away from his mind, never to return.

When gay husbands refer to “DENIAL,” I realize it means that they were acting on their needs to sexually fulfill their homosexuality. “DENIAL” really means that they don’t dare tell you, their wives, lest you should understand what the real problem is in your marriage. The only one I think they are really in denial to is you. When you ask your husband what the real problem is in the marriage, he will DENY there is a “real” problem. When he stops making love to you and you ask him why, he’ll once again deny that there’s a problem. In fact, anything you ask him that even alludes to homosexuality—bam! There must be something wrong with you because your husband DENIES he has a problem.

It’s really difficult for me to “swallow” the line about DENIAL at this stage of time. I have done things that I’m not proud of in my life, but I never pretended to myself that I hadn’t done them. I try to live up to my responsibilities and don’t look to peddle them off elsewhere. As horrifying as acting on gay sexual urges may have seemed at any particular moment during a marriage, once the deed is done, it’s done. Using DENIAL as a tactic to keep running away from the truth seems pretty lame. I’m not saying you have to shout it from the rooftops, but I do think that you need to you need to tell the person whom you married and promised to be honest with for better or worse. Yes, this is worse, but let’s be fair here. Your wife hasn’t done anything wrong except try to love you. Why can you love her enough to be truthful? Because you are in denial? No, I don’t think so. Let’s call it what it is—namely CONSCIENCE FAILURE.

Hugs and Love, Bonnie Kaye

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter FEBRUARY, 2003

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS

It’s that painful time of the year again for many women who are presently married to gay men or still recovering from the aftermath of their gay husbands—namely, Valentine’s Day. I don’t forget the sting of that day that stung me so many times in subsequent years of my life while my heart was frozen in the “void” status. I was always a romantic that thrived on being in love. But through the years of my marriage to my gay husband and the recovery years that followed, it was like that Gershwin tune that goes, “They’re writing songs of love, but not for me….”

For those of you who are struggling through your marriages, Valentine’s Day always fall short of your expectations. Some of you have not lost your enthusiasm—you’ve made all the plans in your head for a fantasy that never comes true. You plan a romantic evening with a beautiful home cooked dinner of his favorite food. You psyche yourself up for that yearly hope that the hearts of the day will make your husband’s heart change and create an evening of passion. After the anticipation builds throughout the day, the reality becomes a good night peck on the cheek intermingled with the words, “I love you,” and off to bed he goes—meaning off to sleep, not sex.
I wish I would have known through those lonely years what I learned later in life. It would have lessened the stabbing pain at the end of the evening and the tears that left my pillowcase soggy. Here’s the message: Don’t lose your hope for romance or passion. They are both somewhere in you future. That’s the good news. That part of you doesn’t have to die at all, no matter how much your gay husband wishes it would. You see, to him, it’s a major pain in the neck. Every time you get those “touchy feely” urges to go touching and feeling him, it gives him the willies. Yikes! What’s the new excuse of the day going to be? How many headaches, toothaches, ulcers, depressions, and exhaustion excuses does he have to come up with? It’s such a nuisance.

The other good news is that there is someone out there waiting for your love. It’s not going to be your husband, so you can put that thought out of your mind. But your soulmate is out there looking for you. I believe that. I see it happen over and over again. It happened to me when I had written off the possibility. Women whose hearts have been deadened through the lack of nurturing by gay men who are not capable of giving it, one day have their hearts awakened again by straight men who know what it means to love equally and unconditionally. And no one is happier than me when I hear from a woman who is “born again” after being buried under for years. I cheer my girlfriends and applaud their courage in coming alive again. I tell them, “Go for it.”

I have watched the transition of some of my wonderful friends in our online support group this year. I have seen women who never felt that love would come their way once again feel their hearts flutter. Even if things didn’t work out, they didn’t retreat or give up. I tell them keep practicing for the real thing. Practice makes perfect. For most women, it’s been so long since they’ve been around straight men that they’ve forgotten what to do. That’s where the practice comes in.

If any of my readers would like to share their stories of feeling alive again, please send them to me so I can share them with the several thousand readers who need this kind of inspiration. As always, your stories can remain as anonymous as you like. To those of you still waiting to feel those flutters again, Happy Future Valentine’s Day to you. It’s always within your reach.

Love, Bonnie Kaye

DISTINGUISHING THE TRUTH, Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter. Jan 2003

DISTINGUISHING THE TRUTH

The word “truth” is always controversial to me. You can have two people watching the same exact event, and yet, when they report it, you receive two very different versions of the actual event. Is one being honest while the other is being dishonest? No, not at all. It’s all a matter of perception, or how people filter the information in their own minds.
Keeping that in mind, I question a gay married man’s perception when it comes to a particular issue. It is not uncommon to hear gay men say that after they leave their marriages, the relationship with their children is estranged because the ex-wife is alienating them by bad mouthing, discouraging, and turning the kids against them.
Although I know that women are angry about losing their marriages to homosexuality, I have rarely met a woman who isn’t more than willing to have her ex-husband be part of the family life. Out of thousands of women I hear from yearly, I have maybe heard one or two women who have stated they don’t want their children around the father because he is gay. They may not be happy about the gay thing, but they would never let that stand in the way of a father-child relationship.
Personally, I think a lot of gay men use this as an excuse for being irresponsible to their families. It’s much easier to blame the wife and children than to accept responsibility for their own actions. And do I think they are making up this story because they are looking to feel better about themselves? Well, sometimes yes, sometimes no. Some men, I give the benefit of the doubt because of what I feel is their distorted perception of the “truth.”
We all have truths, but all truths aren’t the same. I hear many gay husbands say that they had no idea that they were gay when they got married, and I definitely believe that is the case for the majority of gay married men. But then somewhere in the marriage, there were episodes of infidelity while they went out and had gay sex. And yet, they still claim this isn’t “gay” or “cheating.” In their minds, they believe this to be the “truth.”
Some gay men will tell you that their wives were argumentative and difficult to please. But they are telling you this from the point of view of a gay man. When a woman feels that she is unfulfilled and missing out on life, why should she act happy? But how often do these men say, “I can certainly understand why she was unhappy. I didn’t know how to make her happy”? I only occasionally hear that from ex-husbands. It’s more often a list of complaints of where their wives fell short.
These marriages are what I call, “A Mutation of Life.” All perceptions of what is real versus untrue is a mutation. We are always reacting to our husbands based on what they “think they should do as a straight man.” They do their best to play the part, like an actor in a television series. In this case, it’s more like a long running soap opera.
It reminds me of the movie, “Imitation of Life,” which was made in the 1930’s and remade in the early 1960’s. It is one of my all time favorite movies. In this story, two very poor women, one white and one black, both single parents of young girls, meet and become instant friends. The black woman is seeking shelter for her and her daughter. Both women are almost penniless, so the white woman agrees to have her move in as her housekeeper. The white woman becomes a famous actress. The black woman runs her home and helps raise her daughter. As the girls grow into their teenage years, their friendship takes a different direction due to the racial differences. The black woman’s daughter is very light and tries to pass in the white world as a white woman. She leaves home and starts her life as a white woman. Her mother keeps finding her because she loves her so much, even though the daughter begs her to stay away lest her secret be exposed.
The ending of the story always makes me sob no matter how many times I see the movie. The mother dies and the daughter gets there too late. She is crying for her mother, but she didn’t have time to say goodbye and I love you. It’s a great movie classic. Anyway, the young woman who “passes” as white lives in constant fear of being discovered, much like our gay husbands. She can act the part of a white woman, and even believe hard enough that she is a white woman, but her background will always come back to haunt her.
I can’t imagine having to play a role as someone who I’m not for more than a day. I can’t even conceive of living a lie day in and day out for years. But gay husbands do it all the time. And guess what? Since they are living a lie, we are living their lie with them, even though we may have no idea while it is happening.
Does this mean that our marriages are lies? Well, in a big way, I think so. We are reacting in our own lives to the actions of our husbands. They are acting in their own lives based on what their perceptions of being a “straight” husband should be. So when they get annoyed or irritated, we start looking to please by changing who we are and what we want to accommodate their happiness.
This translates into us doing things that we wouldn’t normally do or ways we wouldn’t necessarily want to be if we had a husband who loved us just for who we are instead of resenting who we aren’t. That’s why so many of us feel so betrayed when we learn our husbands are gay. The feeling that hurts so much is that we remolded ourselves to be “better wives” in the hopes that our husbands would love us more. Some of us “tiptoed” through life trying not to step down too hard fearing ridicule and criticism. Some of us gave up our own hopes and wants because we were too busy working at getting our husbands to love us better.
Since our husbands’ perceptions of us will never be true ones, their perception of how we are alienating our children from them is also not usually a real one but rather a distortion or justification in their own minds. I have heard from thousands of women who wish their husbands would take a more active part in the co-parenting of the children after the marriage is over. They long for some free time to breathe and wish their husbands would take the children for a while. They feel overwhelmed by their new responsibilities and lack of time to think. And in so many cases, the financial responsibilities that now are thrown our way choke us. Gay never seems to be the issue—responsibility is.
Too often, I have women write to me that their husbands claim there are “turning the kids against them,” when in fact, they themselves are turning the children against them. Children need to feel that they are just as important to their fathers after they leave as they were before. And when they start getting ignored because their fathers are into some other world that they have no idea about, the resentment starts taking place. The children do not need to hear a discouraging word from their mothers—they are watching the actions of their fathers and reacting all on their own.
When these fathers decide to find the time to be with their children, they expect the children will be happy just to see them. If they haven’t been around or active in the children’s lives, the children can become resentful or alienated without any help from their mothers. Children have their own feelings and perceptions that no one has to influence. I have rarely seen a wonderful father who is active in his children’s lives banned or alienated because he is gay.
Instead of these men having pity parties bemoaning their “angry, bitter wives” who are brainwashing their children, let them spend the time constructively figuring out what they can do to improve their children’s lives and repair the relationship. Being a good father shouldn’t have to be a sexuality issue. It’s a parenting issue. My children would have never resented their father’s sexuality because it was different; what they did resent was being made to feel that they weren’t as important as a hot date when their father broke his promises and commitments. These are the realities that we live, not the distortions.
So, the next time you read about a gay father’s rejection by his children due to his wife, think twice. Chances are his wife was very similar to us in nature. Chances are she wanted her husband to be more involved with the children than less involved. And chances are he screwed up big enough to make it easier to blame his wife rather than take the responsibility.