RECURRING ANGER
I’ve had several requests to address the issue of returning anger. Just when you thought you were past that stage in your recovery minus your gay husband, it’s back. Women have written to me asking me what’s wrong with them when this happens. They are afraid they are backsliding because they feel so angry all over again.
There are different kinds of anger when a marriage ends. The anger that you have when you find out that your husband is gay is different than the anger you will face in future years when you are raising children as a single parent. Then we face the anger that all women face when they are left with raising the family as the primary caretaker. Sometimes we confuse this anger with our gay husband issues, and in all fairness, this is not a gay issues, but rather a universal one of irresponsible men. You don’t have to be gay to be irresponsible.
My own father abandoned my mother and left her with five children. He went on to have a happy, prosperous life 3,000 miles away, taking everything we owned. We ended up virtually homeless. My mother became the primary caretaker and supporter of us, and at the time, my younger sisters were only 1, 3, and 5. My mother had never worked before, and with virtually no workforce skills, went out and started building a career for herself. She never had an easy life after that point, but continued to be there for all of us emotionally and financially until her death a year and a half ago. Ironically, my father, who moved to California 34 years ago, is a millionaire. He has chosen to abandon his children, claiming that we should be able to make it on our own like he did.
My father is not gay. He went on to remarry and had a different family. He was very willing to take care of them financially, but not us. My story is not unique. I know many men who move on after marriage to new families and have new children and never look back. I don’t understand it and I never will. It would be inconceivable for me to think of a mother doing that to a child, but it seems so common in men. All men, just not gay men.
I share this information with you because we do have our own issues to heal from as wives of gay men. But we also have other issues to deal with that are universal to all women. It’s important to understand the difference in the problems because if not, we will always be angry and bitter about the gay issues. It is important for our own state of mental health to distinguish between the two. It is also important for our healing process to understand the difference so that we are able to move ahead in life and not be held back by our own insecurities.
As I’ve stated in earlier newsletters, wives of gay men go through an additional set of recovery issues than women who have straight husbands. We need to rebuild our shattered sense of self-belief and self-esteem. If we are continually pulled back into the gay spectrum, we will never be able to find happiness and fulfillment with a future mate. We will start confusing issues, which will start the self-doubt process all over again.
Anger needs to be channeled into positive responses, or else it turns into bitterness. I have seen this happen too many times. Bitterness affects our own sense of happiness and the happiness of our children. It stagnates us from moving ahead in our own lives, so who ends up losing here? You have lost so much already, why continue to keep being on the losing end?
When you are angry due to circumstances that seem totally out of your control or because of your ex-husband’s actions, learn to confront the anger by taking positive action. If you feel that talking to your ex-husband will only result in a yelling match with no resolve, sit down and write him a letter explaining to him why you are hurting. Sometimes when he sees it in writing, it makes him actually think and act rather than just react. It helps you feel better too because too often in the course of a conversation or argument, you lose sight of the issues that you want to discuss because your anger takes you to other places that don’t need to be revisited. A letter gives you a chance to express your anger and make sure that the important points are covered. If you have forgotten any, you can always add a P.S. or write the letter over—or even rip it up if you don’t feel like sending it. Sometimes just writing the letter is enough of an outlet.
Understand that after a marriage is over, there are lots of “normal” hardship issues that we face as single parents. Raising children is exhausting, and not having a back up for some relief can be overwhelming. It hurts when we are tired at the end of the day and feel so trapped while our husbands are out with their new gay mates or gay friends. But if our husbands were straight, chances are they’d be doing the same thing. It’s not a gay thing, just a male thing. The fact that he’s out with a man may make it more emotionally uncomfortable, but we have to be able to once again separate those feelings from the feelings that most single mothers experience of abandonment and lack of financial security.
So, if you feel anger creeping up in your life again, know that it’s okay. You probably have a lot to be angry about. Just don’t let it take over your life. Work through it so it doesn’t turn to bitterness. Find support or call a friend and talk it out. Don’t let it fester in you, because unresolved anger turns into bitterness, and the only one who really hurts is you.
Remember, you are never alone. There is a great amount of support for anyone who needs it. Write to me or join our Thursday evening support chat sessions for group comfort and help. Have a pleasant Thanksgiving holiday and realize that life can always get better as long as there is hope.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Thursday, November 1, 2001
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter November, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 9
DESTRUCTIVE COUNSELING
I get numerous requests from women all over the country asking me if I can refer them to a counselor or psychologist for help. This is a major responsibility, and I never refer anyone if I don’t personally know a therapist.
But this raises an important issue. I want to warn you about is finding incompetent or misguided counseling. This is something that disturbs me deeply because I receive letters from women who are investing hard earned money but obviously getting very poor and counterproductive advice which leaves them more confused and doubting of themselves. Most people are not familiar with the world of therapy and depend heavily on the feedback they receive from the counselor. I have learned over the years from women who tell me about the direction of their therapy that this can only add more problems to an already problematic situation.
The majority of women who write to me don’t need therapy—they need support. And once they learn that the problems they are facing in their marriage are not their problems but rather the problems of their husbands, they are able to find resolvable solutions just through the support of others who have experienced the same problem.
Recently, I have spoken to several women whose therapists are definitely giving them destructive information. These therapists don’t understand the dynamics of a straight/gay marriage. One woman this month told me about a therapist who doesn’t believe that her husband is gay. In this case the husband is fixated on gay pornography, but the therapist is saying that he’s a sex addict and not gay. She has him attending Sexual Addiction meetings and is encouraging the wife to stay focused on the marriage and not give up. The wife feels very discouraged because her husband continues to watch these gay videos on the computer while she is there, claiming that it excites him to do so because it is like “forbidden fruit.” She also knows from her own minimal sex life that her husband has sexual problems. And yet, she has been told to hang in with him because he is not gay. This is ludicrous. Watching gay pornography does not sexually arouse straight men. Trust me on this.
There are some women are going to marriage counseling with their husbands where the counselor is treating the couple as if it were any other couple with straight-couple problems. Let me assure all of you that going for marriage counseling together is not going to be the answer to fixing the marriage. Any therapist who tells you that the problems can be worked on in these marriages is really clueless. These are not marriages that have the traditional problems that other marriages face. These are a unique set of problems that need to be viewed in their own rite. And all of the counseling in the world is not going to make your husband’s desire for men magically disappear.
Another important problem that I want to mention is about counselors who hold their own personal beliefs as the truth in their therapy approach. These are therapists who have religious convictions that cloud their objectivity. In just this month alone, I spoke with five women who went to Christian based counseling. Their therapists advised them to stay in their marriages while their husbands found their way back to heterosexuality. Their train of thought is that homosexuality is chosen, not in-born. They believe that if these husbands understand the consequences of their actions, they will “choose” to be straight if given enough time and encouragement. Obviously, these women are having doubts about this kind of help being effective because they are writing to me out of frustration and despair. Although I do understand and respect religious personal convictions, I haven’t found any happy results from people who have to spend years of time trying to make something work based on someone’s ability to change into something that is not his nature. I know that people can change behaviors when forced to do so, but it doesn’t change what someone’s sexual orientation is. It’s somewhat like what they call “dry alcoholics.” There are people who stop drinking, but inwardly, they can’t change what they are. They are never happy, and they resent those around them who have “forced” the change.
If there is counseling to be had, it needs to be counseling to build up self-esteem and independence of the wife so that she can make the right decision to leave the marriage. Women in these marriages are often emotionally broken and lack the ability to believe in themselves. In these cases, finding a good therapist to help you regain your confidence and courage can be very important. But the direction of the counseling needs to be one of moving ahead, not staying stuck in an unhealthy situation and seeing how you can make it work.
Another word of caution—if you are not connecting to a therapist, end it early and keep seeking someone that you find to be helpful and encouraging. Just because someone is practicing doesn’t mean that he/she is competent for helping you. Keep seeking help until you find someone that you feel comfortable with. I remember when I was 22 years old, MANY YEARS AGO, I was having some personal problems and decided to seek professional help to guide me through this period. I had no understanding of counseling or therapy. I went to a local hospital and they assigned a therapist to me. I went to him for six sessions, and after each session, found myself more and more depressed. He was practicing a form of therapy that was totally ineffective for my problems, but I was too inexperienced to understand this. Rather than switch to a different therapist, I stopped going thinking there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t benefiting from the treatment. It took me many years and lots of schooling to understand what this man was doing. He was a new therapist and practicing his style of therapy that was not suitable for the type of problem that I had. I wasn’t smart or savvy enough to understand that I could have asked for someone else who could have been more effective for me.
Many times when we seek out help because we are in vulnerable positions, we put all our faith in professionals who may not have the expertise we need to resolve our problems. This doesn’t just happen in counseling, but many other situations such as legal or medical problems. That’s why it is so important to recognize when something is not working for you and to keep pursuing the professional help that will work best for your needs.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
I get numerous requests from women all over the country asking me if I can refer them to a counselor or psychologist for help. This is a major responsibility, and I never refer anyone if I don’t personally know a therapist.
But this raises an important issue. I want to warn you about is finding incompetent or misguided counseling. This is something that disturbs me deeply because I receive letters from women who are investing hard earned money but obviously getting very poor and counterproductive advice which leaves them more confused and doubting of themselves. Most people are not familiar with the world of therapy and depend heavily on the feedback they receive from the counselor. I have learned over the years from women who tell me about the direction of their therapy that this can only add more problems to an already problematic situation.
The majority of women who write to me don’t need therapy—they need support. And once they learn that the problems they are facing in their marriage are not their problems but rather the problems of their husbands, they are able to find resolvable solutions just through the support of others who have experienced the same problem.
Recently, I have spoken to several women whose therapists are definitely giving them destructive information. These therapists don’t understand the dynamics of a straight/gay marriage. One woman this month told me about a therapist who doesn’t believe that her husband is gay. In this case the husband is fixated on gay pornography, but the therapist is saying that he’s a sex addict and not gay. She has him attending Sexual Addiction meetings and is encouraging the wife to stay focused on the marriage and not give up. The wife feels very discouraged because her husband continues to watch these gay videos on the computer while she is there, claiming that it excites him to do so because it is like “forbidden fruit.” She also knows from her own minimal sex life that her husband has sexual problems. And yet, she has been told to hang in with him because he is not gay. This is ludicrous. Watching gay pornography does not sexually arouse straight men. Trust me on this.
There are some women are going to marriage counseling with their husbands where the counselor is treating the couple as if it were any other couple with straight-couple problems. Let me assure all of you that going for marriage counseling together is not going to be the answer to fixing the marriage. Any therapist who tells you that the problems can be worked on in these marriages is really clueless. These are not marriages that have the traditional problems that other marriages face. These are a unique set of problems that need to be viewed in their own rite. And all of the counseling in the world is not going to make your husband’s desire for men magically disappear.
Another important problem that I want to mention is about counselors who hold their own personal beliefs as the truth in their therapy approach. These are therapists who have religious convictions that cloud their objectivity. In just this month alone, I spoke with five women who went to Christian based counseling. Their therapists advised them to stay in their marriages while their husbands found their way back to heterosexuality. Their train of thought is that homosexuality is chosen, not in-born. They believe that if these husbands understand the consequences of their actions, they will “choose” to be straight if given enough time and encouragement. Obviously, these women are having doubts about this kind of help being effective because they are writing to me out of frustration and despair. Although I do understand and respect religious personal convictions, I haven’t found any happy results from people who have to spend years of time trying to make something work based on someone’s ability to change into something that is not his nature. I know that people can change behaviors when forced to do so, but it doesn’t change what someone’s sexual orientation is. It’s somewhat like what they call “dry alcoholics.” There are people who stop drinking, but inwardly, they can’t change what they are. They are never happy, and they resent those around them who have “forced” the change.
If there is counseling to be had, it needs to be counseling to build up self-esteem and independence of the wife so that she can make the right decision to leave the marriage. Women in these marriages are often emotionally broken and lack the ability to believe in themselves. In these cases, finding a good therapist to help you regain your confidence and courage can be very important. But the direction of the counseling needs to be one of moving ahead, not staying stuck in an unhealthy situation and seeing how you can make it work.
Another word of caution—if you are not connecting to a therapist, end it early and keep seeking someone that you find to be helpful and encouraging. Just because someone is practicing doesn’t mean that he/she is competent for helping you. Keep seeking help until you find someone that you feel comfortable with. I remember when I was 22 years old, MANY YEARS AGO, I was having some personal problems and decided to seek professional help to guide me through this period. I had no understanding of counseling or therapy. I went to a local hospital and they assigned a therapist to me. I went to him for six sessions, and after each session, found myself more and more depressed. He was practicing a form of therapy that was totally ineffective for my problems, but I was too inexperienced to understand this. Rather than switch to a different therapist, I stopped going thinking there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t benefiting from the treatment. It took me many years and lots of schooling to understand what this man was doing. He was a new therapist and practicing his style of therapy that was not suitable for the type of problem that I had. I wasn’t smart or savvy enough to understand that I could have asked for someone else who could have been more effective for me.
Many times when we seek out help because we are in vulnerable positions, we put all our faith in professionals who may not have the expertise we need to resolve our problems. This doesn’t just happen in counseling, but many other situations such as legal or medical problems. That’s why it is so important to recognize when something is not working for you and to keep pursuing the professional help that will work best for your needs.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter November, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 9
WHEN THERE’S JUST NO PROOF
Every week, I receive dozens of letters from women who are desperate to find “proof” that their husbands are “bisexual” or gay. On my website at http://www.gayhusbands.com/, I have a section called, “Catch Him.” It gives women the directions to check their computer’s temporary Internet files on line to see if there are any gay sites that their husbands are visiting. Some of these women write back to me after finding the evidence that they were so afraid of finding. At the same time, there is a great sense of relief because their suspicions were finally confirmed.
It’s interesting to see the various emotional reactions after women confront their husbands with their discoveries. Some rethink their immediate fears and write back to me saying that after questioning their husbands with the information, and they were made to second-guess their suspicions when their husbands give them a perfectly logical explanation as to how these websites appeared. Here are some of the most common explanations:
1. “He claims he has no clue how they got there. Someone else must have been using the computer.” In other words, there are gay men sneaking into your home and using your computer to go to gay pornographic websites right under your nose but you don’t notice it.
2. “A friend of his at work is having sexual identity problems. He asked my husband to do some research for him because he’s too embarrassed to do it himself.” This means that your husband must be an exceptional man if he is willing to help a gay man come to terms with his homosexuality by visiting numerous gay porno sites. Does this educate your husband so he can be an effective helper?
3. “My husband said that it is normal for men to look at all kinds of sexual sites. It doesn’t mean anything just because the sites are gay. It’s normal curiosity.” I still haven’t met the straight man yet who is sexually turned on by the site of men having sex. Curiosity may account for a one-time look, but not repeated visits.
4. “My husband said that just because he is looking at gay sites doesn’t mean that he is going to have sex with men.” So why isn’t he looking at sites where women are having sex with men? Why doesn’t that turn him on instead?”
Well, I stand by my words. Straight men don’t view gay porno sites. Consider this the confirmation you are looking for. You don’t have to look any further. You definitely have a problem, or shall I say, your husband and your marriage definitely have a problem.
As hurtful as this confirmation may be, these are the lucky women because they have something concrete to back up their suspicions. I hurt for the women who just can’t get any proof. Their husbands don’t use a home computer or have a computer at work that can’t be accessed. They are experts at covering their trails and leave no hard evidence around.
For those of you who write to me who are perplexed and confused about how to find proof about your husbands, let me say this. Some of you will never find what you are looking for no matter how hard you look. I know women who have spent countless thousands of dollars hiring private detectives to track their husbands and they still didn’t get the proof they needed. That’s because you would literally have to shadow someone day in and day out for long periods of time before you could sometimes find that proof. Some of these men are very clever and very cautious. They carefully cover their tracks so no information can be found. Unless you have tens of thousands of dollars to spend on this, it’s virtually undoable. I give a lot of credit to the ingenuity of some of the women who write to me who go to such lengths to find any slipup. This includes going through cell phone bills, putting taps on the phones at home, and carefully scrutinizing credit card bills and receipts. Sometimes there is an answer by doing all of this. But sometimes there are no answers and more often, no way to access this information.
So let me give this word of encouragement. Most often, a woman’s best proof is her own sense of intuition. I trust that more than I trust other findings. Women have a sixth sense when it comes to these matters. I often ask women who write to me why they suspect their husbands are gay as opposed to having an affair with another woman. And the reasons usually fall into line. Every blue moon I am able to comfort a woman and tell her that her suspicions don’t seem to indicate homosexuality, but that is the rarity. And believe me, I’m thrilled when I am able to relieve someone’s fears. But in almost all cases, I know there is a problem.
Most women who write to me for help are not women who are in happy marriages. I’m still at a loss to understand why people are willing to stay in a marriage that is not rewarding, lacks affection and passion, and gives little if any emotional encouragement or self-esteem building. I say this to women who are in marriages with straight men, not just gay men. I believe that life is short—unless, of course, you are saddled in a bad relationship. Then it becomes very long and grueling. I never quite understand why women are willing to throw away years of their life that could be rewarding and fulfilling to stay in a relationship that is debilitating and at best, existing. People marry with good intentions, but that doesn’t mean it is going to work out. Ironically, women married to gay men try to stick out their marriages much longer than women in unhappy straight marriages I understand why, but it’s not a pleasant picture.
Women who are married to gay men feel this need to keep trying to make something work that is not workable. They internalize that the failure of the marriage is their failure, when in fact, there is nothing they can do to make these marriages successful. It’s beyond their control, but they can’t accept that internally. They go back to the “if only” game—“if only I can be a better wife, my husband will love me more and be happy with me.” As I’ve discussed in earlier newsletters, this just doesn’t happen. We are not the cause of our husbands’ unhappiness in the marriage. Homosexuality is the cause. We just look like the cause to them because we are what is standing in the way of them acting on their needs, so we become the “whipping girls” so to speak.
So, for the record, let me say this. If your marriage is failing and you have tried every reasonable thing to make it better and it still isn’t working, cut your losses. Stop looking for proof and wasting more days, months, and years. Look for a way to get out of the marriage. Start making a plan to find a way to move on. You don’t have to feel guilty or like a failure. The longer you stay in a destructive marriage, the worse you will feel. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you. You’ll never have the chance to find out what you could have if you hold yourself back just waiting for it to happen. You have to take action. You have control of your future even if you can’t control the present.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Every week, I receive dozens of letters from women who are desperate to find “proof” that their husbands are “bisexual” or gay. On my website at http://www.gayhusbands.com/, I have a section called, “Catch Him.” It gives women the directions to check their computer’s temporary Internet files on line to see if there are any gay sites that their husbands are visiting. Some of these women write back to me after finding the evidence that they were so afraid of finding. At the same time, there is a great sense of relief because their suspicions were finally confirmed.
It’s interesting to see the various emotional reactions after women confront their husbands with their discoveries. Some rethink their immediate fears and write back to me saying that after questioning their husbands with the information, and they were made to second-guess their suspicions when their husbands give them a perfectly logical explanation as to how these websites appeared. Here are some of the most common explanations:
1. “He claims he has no clue how they got there. Someone else must have been using the computer.” In other words, there are gay men sneaking into your home and using your computer to go to gay pornographic websites right under your nose but you don’t notice it.
2. “A friend of his at work is having sexual identity problems. He asked my husband to do some research for him because he’s too embarrassed to do it himself.” This means that your husband must be an exceptional man if he is willing to help a gay man come to terms with his homosexuality by visiting numerous gay porno sites. Does this educate your husband so he can be an effective helper?
3. “My husband said that it is normal for men to look at all kinds of sexual sites. It doesn’t mean anything just because the sites are gay. It’s normal curiosity.” I still haven’t met the straight man yet who is sexually turned on by the site of men having sex. Curiosity may account for a one-time look, but not repeated visits.
4. “My husband said that just because he is looking at gay sites doesn’t mean that he is going to have sex with men.” So why isn’t he looking at sites where women are having sex with men? Why doesn’t that turn him on instead?”
Well, I stand by my words. Straight men don’t view gay porno sites. Consider this the confirmation you are looking for. You don’t have to look any further. You definitely have a problem, or shall I say, your husband and your marriage definitely have a problem.
As hurtful as this confirmation may be, these are the lucky women because they have something concrete to back up their suspicions. I hurt for the women who just can’t get any proof. Their husbands don’t use a home computer or have a computer at work that can’t be accessed. They are experts at covering their trails and leave no hard evidence around.
For those of you who write to me who are perplexed and confused about how to find proof about your husbands, let me say this. Some of you will never find what you are looking for no matter how hard you look. I know women who have spent countless thousands of dollars hiring private detectives to track their husbands and they still didn’t get the proof they needed. That’s because you would literally have to shadow someone day in and day out for long periods of time before you could sometimes find that proof. Some of these men are very clever and very cautious. They carefully cover their tracks so no information can be found. Unless you have tens of thousands of dollars to spend on this, it’s virtually undoable. I give a lot of credit to the ingenuity of some of the women who write to me who go to such lengths to find any slipup. This includes going through cell phone bills, putting taps on the phones at home, and carefully scrutinizing credit card bills and receipts. Sometimes there is an answer by doing all of this. But sometimes there are no answers and more often, no way to access this information.
So let me give this word of encouragement. Most often, a woman’s best proof is her own sense of intuition. I trust that more than I trust other findings. Women have a sixth sense when it comes to these matters. I often ask women who write to me why they suspect their husbands are gay as opposed to having an affair with another woman. And the reasons usually fall into line. Every blue moon I am able to comfort a woman and tell her that her suspicions don’t seem to indicate homosexuality, but that is the rarity. And believe me, I’m thrilled when I am able to relieve someone’s fears. But in almost all cases, I know there is a problem.
Most women who write to me for help are not women who are in happy marriages. I’m still at a loss to understand why people are willing to stay in a marriage that is not rewarding, lacks affection and passion, and gives little if any emotional encouragement or self-esteem building. I say this to women who are in marriages with straight men, not just gay men. I believe that life is short—unless, of course, you are saddled in a bad relationship. Then it becomes very long and grueling. I never quite understand why women are willing to throw away years of their life that could be rewarding and fulfilling to stay in a relationship that is debilitating and at best, existing. People marry with good intentions, but that doesn’t mean it is going to work out. Ironically, women married to gay men try to stick out their marriages much longer than women in unhappy straight marriages I understand why, but it’s not a pleasant picture.
Women who are married to gay men feel this need to keep trying to make something work that is not workable. They internalize that the failure of the marriage is their failure, when in fact, there is nothing they can do to make these marriages successful. It’s beyond their control, but they can’t accept that internally. They go back to the “if only” game—“if only I can be a better wife, my husband will love me more and be happy with me.” As I’ve discussed in earlier newsletters, this just doesn’t happen. We are not the cause of our husbands’ unhappiness in the marriage. Homosexuality is the cause. We just look like the cause to them because we are what is standing in the way of them acting on their needs, so we become the “whipping girls” so to speak.
So, for the record, let me say this. If your marriage is failing and you have tried every reasonable thing to make it better and it still isn’t working, cut your losses. Stop looking for proof and wasting more days, months, and years. Look for a way to get out of the marriage. Start making a plan to find a way to move on. You don’t have to feel guilty or like a failure. The longer you stay in a destructive marriage, the worse you will feel. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you. You’ll never have the chance to find out what you could have if you hold yourself back just waiting for it to happen. You have to take action. You have control of your future even if you can’t control the present.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
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