HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS
It’s that painful time of the year again for many women who are presently married to gay men or still recovering from the aftermath of their gay husbands—namely, Valentine’s Day. I don’t forget the sting of that day that stung me so many times in subsequent years of my life while my heart was frozen in the “void” status. I was always a romantic that thrived on being in love. But through the years of my marriage to my gay husband and the recovery years that followed, it was like that Gershwin tune that goes, “They’re writing songs of love, but not for me….”
For those of you who are struggling through your marriages, Valentine’s Day always fall short of your expectations. Some of you have not lost your enthusiasm—you’ve made all the plans in your head for a fantasy that never comes true. You plan a romantic evening with a beautiful home cooked dinner of his favorite food. You psyche yourself up for that yearly hope that the hearts of the day will make your husband’s heart change and create an evening of passion. After the anticipation builds throughout the day, the reality becomes a good night peck on the cheek intermingled with the words, “I love you,” and off to bed he goes—meaning off to sleep, not sex.
I wish I would have known through those lonely years what I learned later in life. It would have lessened the stabbing pain at the end of the evening and the tears that left my pillowcase soggy. Here’s the message: Don’t lose your hope for romance or passion. They are both somewhere in you future. That’s the good news. That part of you doesn’t have to die at all, no matter how much your gay husband wishes it would. You see, to him, it’s a major pain in the neck. Every time you get those “touchy feely” urges to go touching and feeling him, it gives him the willies. Yikes! What’s the new excuse of the day going to be? How many headaches, toothaches, ulcers, depressions, and exhaustion excuses does he have to come up with? It’s such a nuisance.
The other good news is that there is someone out there waiting for your love. It’s not going to be your husband, so you can put that thought out of your mind. But your soulmate is out there looking for you. I believe that. I see it happen over and over again. It happened to me when I had written off the possibility. Women whose hearts have been deadened through the lack of nurturing by gay men who are not capable of giving it, one day have their hearts awakened again by straight men who know what it means to love equally and unconditionally. And no one is happier than me when I hear from a woman who is “born again” after being buried under for years. I cheer my girlfriends and applaud their courage in coming alive again. I tell them, “Go for it.”
I have watched the transition of some of my wonderful friends in our online support group this year. I have seen women who never felt that love would come their way once again feel their hearts flutter. Even if things didn’t work out, they didn’t retreat or give up. I tell them keep practicing for the real thing. Practice makes perfect. For most women, it’s been so long since they’ve been around straight men that they’ve forgotten what to do. That’s where the practice comes in.
If any of my readers would like to share their stories of feeling alive again, please send them to me so I can share them with the several thousand readers who need this kind of inspiration. As always, your stories can remain as anonymous as you like. To those of you still waiting to feel those flutters again, Happy Future Valentine’s Day to you. It’s always within your reach.
Love, Bonnie Kaye
Sunday, February 2, 2003
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