STRAIGHT TALK SEPTEMBER NEWSLETTER

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
September 2009 Volume 8, Issue 99
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other

Please visit my website to view and purchases my books at www.BonnieKayeBooks.com. Your sales help support the website and monthly newsletter.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
Normally, I prefer not to focus on ME when I am talking to YOU. However, I would like to say a few words to my over 7,000 readers around the world who take the time to listen to what I share each month.

On September 26, I will turn 58. As I creep up through the age ladder aiming towards 60 in two years, I feel blessed that I had the strength to end the marriage to my gay husband many years ago so I could try to salvage the rest of my life and find peace of mind, happiness, and in my particular case, the love of a wonderful man who has become my lifeline. Because it is my birthday month, I would like to share some important thoughts with you.

Last week in our online support group, we were discussing the issue of “low self-esteem,” and how so many of us suffer from it. I explained to the group that I work every day to keep my self-esteem high because for so most of my life, it was so low. Self esteem is not an external issue—it’s an internal issue. For those of us who suffer from it—which are almost everyone reading this newsletter at some point or another, you know what a daily struggle it is to feel good about yourself. If you are living with a gay husband, it becomes that much more difficult because you feel the daily rejection and often ridicule in their effort to “control” the situation that is uncontrollable. Well, at least they try to control you since they can’t control themselves.

So, for all of you who are sitting there and shaking your heads in agreement, let me say these words to you. Self-esteem comes from conditioning. I know some of the most physically beautiful women who are brilliant, kind, and loving, but they have low self-esteem. They are doctors, nurses, politicians, actresses, company directors (and you know who you are when you read this) who feel just as inadequate as everyone else. You can look at them and say, “You’ve got to be kidding,” but I’m not. Their internal message system makes them feel the same as the rest of us who may not have been blessed with their physical or intellectual attributes. And yet I know women who will never be on a magazine cover and who may have jobs that are far from what most of us would consider high end, but yet they feel good about themselves because they have high self-esteem. Yep, I see this side of the equation as well. And I love seeing it too! It makes me realize that you can be Miss Average Jill and still feel like you are a true winner because you believe you are! That’s what high self-esteem does for women.

Because I have had a weight problem for 50 of my 58 years, I have suffered with self-esteem issues my whole life. From my teenage years when I “pudgy” to my adult years where I was just obese, I went through lots of horror stories in trying to feel “wanted” by a man who could love me for the way I was. When I married my gay husband 31 years ago, I was actually looking my best. I wasn’t overweight very much at that point—primarily because I had an eating disorder called bulimia. In my mid to late 20’s, that was my solution to my weight problem. I looked good and felt good about myself—better than I had in years—but that didn’t last long once those buttons of insecurity started being pushed in my marriage. My newly found self-esteem quickly went down the drain as my weight returned and the rejection set in.
So all these years later, I still struggle daily with my weight problem. I’ve accepted it is here with me to stay. I never stop working at it, but it’s just part of who I am. But guess what? If I’m concerned now it’s because of my health, not because of feeling bad about myself. Why? For the past 15 years and 8 months, I have been blessed to find a wonderful soulmate who hasn’t noticed that I put on that extra 60 pounds since we met. When I bemoan the fact of my weight, he just responds with things like, “More of you to love” or “You’re built for comfort!” This man makes me feel like I’m a movie star every time we are together. He makes me feel young and beautiful every time we are intimate, which is every week of the year. And we are no youngsters—trust me! But when we are together, we feel like we are in our 20’s. That is what I love so much about him. He makes me feel “internally” beautiful. He has built up my self-confidence instead of knocking it down. He inspires me and encourages me. No idea I have is ever too ridiculous or no requests are ever too “demanding” like it was when I had a gay husband. Because of his unconditional love for me, I have survived the worst tragedies in my life. It’s not all about HIM, it’s about me and him, and many times, he just focuses on me and what makes me happy. This is what a relationship is supposed to be.

What so many of you have is the “illusion” of a relationship because two people are living in the same place. But what you really find is two empty shells living there—both existing day to day. One is in a maze of confusion—the other is trapped in a lifetime of deception. Neither has the courage to say THIS IS NOT WORKING because fear and paralysis has set in. I always say every day you lose in these destructive marriages is a day you can never get back. Life is so precious and fragile. Ask me—I know. I lost both of my precious children in the past seven years. Life offers you no guarantees for sure.

This is why living with a man who is unable to love you for the woman you are is so destructive to YOU no matter what you look like or where you are in life. When I hear stories of women having to “beg” their husbands to have sex, it makes me ill. I remember those feelings of sexual rejection only too well. Nothing makes you feel less adequate than feeling like you are undesirable because a man won’t be honest with you about being gay. That is why I tell men I can always forgive them for being gay—that is not a choice. But it’s the deceit, the lies, and the manipulation to keep that secret going that makes me angry. No man has a right to rob his wife of what is hers—self-respect and self-worth. Men who continue to do this year in and year out are cowards of the worst type because they slowly peel away whatever self-esteem a woman has until she doubts her daily activities and sanity. I greatly appreciate our men who support us here who eventually do come to terms with themselves and do the right thing. I just wish all gay husbands could give their wives that gift.

So, I hope as my birthday gift some of you will do some heavy duty thinking about how wonderful your life could be if you allowed yourself to make that move and take your life back. If you need help or support, we have one great network here that will provide it for you. All you have to do is ask! You don’t have to do it alone.

MAILBAG:

Last month, we had two women who reached out to ask advice about dating and telling about the marriage to a gay husband and what to do with photographs with bad memories in the pictures. The responses were overwhelming, but all of them were important. Please feel free to always write and comment here.

Dear Bonnie,

I read your newsletter and am continually amazed at how we are a sisterhood with common stories. I filed for divorce August 3, 2007 and I got my final ruling August 6, 2009. I wanted to share my victory with all my sisters out there in the hopes that perhaps it will give some of them strength to keep going. It turned out there were 801 gay porn sites on the hard drive of the computer. He denied under oath knowing anything about how they got there. It was hard core evidence, with dates and times. He thought he had all this power because he had an attorney who promised him the world. He demanded half the house - even though my 85 year old mother, who lives with me, paid for 2/3 of the house when we combined households in 2000 because he was unemployed and my dad had Alzheimer’s. He demanded alimony for life because I earn more money as a teacher than he does as a Radio Shack employee and alimony pendente lite which is spousal support while going through the divorce. He demanded $55,000 rent for letting me remain in the house for the past two years. He was very concerned about getting the one item in the house that has some true value, an antique Persian carpet. He also demanded that I pay all his attorney fees. It should have been over in three months by Pennsylvania law and it should have been simple, if half the house was considered marital, it would have been equivalent to half his retirement account. His attorney had the power to drag it out for two years in order to accumulate enormous billable hours and he did that. He knew how to hurt me the deepest and so he did – by taking away the daughter I love with his lies, the grandson whom I have not seen since he was 8 months old and the fear of poverty. I was his victim for 29 years. But I hired a second attorney to intervene for my mother, doubled my attorney costs and fought back. I had no idea how the ruling was going to go but I refused to give him the power to break me. He thought he had the power because my daughter was his only witness. She is doing a residency as a doctor so having her come to court and testify that “my mother is crazy, my father is not gay” was supposed to make the judge give him everything he demanded. I watched him run up senseless legal fees that will completely empty his retirement account.

Our attorneys said very little in court. They didn’t have to. I married an engineer who earned a decent salary. I ended up with a pathetic creature with a 14 year addiction to gay pornography that took over his life, destroyed his career and his mind. The ruling went entirely in my favor. I get the house. He does not get alimony. He does not get alimony pendente lite. He does not get rent. He does not get anything in the house. He does not get his attorney fees paid for. He does have to pay me $4000 in cash for his share of the property taxes and his car insurance for the past two years. He also has to have an account set up in my name and transfer a hefty chunk of his retirement account into it. I don’t expect to get any money, he is a foreigner and he will probably leave the country to avoid having to pay me anything. But he ruined his life and he destroyed himself financially in his quest for revenge. He is 60 years old, earns $7.15 an hour and he blew all his retirement savings. He can contest it and he probably will but the end result will be the same. My advice to my sisters out there is to stand strong. I wanted my freedom to love again. Two days after the ruling I went on a cruise to Bermuda with my mother. It was rejuvenating and healing as well.

As for Julie’s question about what to do about photos, I packed all the photo albums in boxes and put them down in the basement after ripping up every single photo of him from 1990 on, the year when our marriage began to crumble because of his secret desires. Some day my kids might want to have them.

In response to Lil’s question about what to tell men in dating situations, I have approached dating as a research project. I talked to lots of recently married couples on the cruise ship and collected stories from them about how they met and I didn’t need to tell anyone that I had been married to a gay man. I wanted to learn more about remarriage in mid life. The basic consensus was that everyone has some kind of baggage. I think if a guy is turned off by it, then he is not the kind of man any of us need and that it is good to find that out sooner rather than later. We have a need for all the things we did not have in these doomed marriages…..respect, affection, emotional support, honesty, understanding, consideration, love and passion. We all deserve these things.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Take it one day at a time.
Dorothy

Dear Lil,
I read your letter with interest as I have been in a very similar position as you and can understand exactly what you are going through. My ex husband too was very nasty and unfair whilst going through the divorce. He had cheated on me with numerous men for years and I had found him out, yet he was the one being spiteful towards me. To this day I still do not understand what gave him the right to treat me that way. Like you at no point did I stop him seeing the kids even though I really wanted to sometimes. But believe it or not after seeing such a nasty side to him that I didn’t know existed everything has changed. He is now civil towards me and often quite chatty. A complete transformation! It is so much better for the kids sake, and mine too I might add!

Now to get back to your question about internet dating and telling the guys about your ex husband. This is what I have personally experienced. I have been internet dating on and off for over 2 years. Like you, at first I told the men before I met them about my ex. I think partly that was due to the fact that I had been cheated on and wanted to be sure I was honest and upfront from the start. This also allowed me to ask them why they had split from their ex wives. I wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with someone who had cheated on their spouse. Most didn’t seem to be bothered by it. Now though I don’t tell them until I meet them. But I do think it’s important from the outset to let them know as it has shaped my life as I was with my ex for 15 years. My past experiences with my husband also affect how I am today. I have met quite a few men from the internet and most I reject after one date. I went through a phase of looking for the perfect guy and felt I would know as soon as I first met him that he was the one! I have now come to the conclusion that I will never be sure straight away and trust and communication take time to develop.
Internet dating is very difficult please be careful. It is very flattering to have such a lot of attention from men once you join an internet site. Remember there are guys out there who just pray on vulnerable women. I have met my fair share! It takes time and experience on these sites to sift through the authentic single guys who are normal. But when you find the right guy I believe it’s important to be honest from the outset when you meet. If they do not wish to continue to see you then they are not worth your time anyway.

Best of luck
Joanne
P.S I have met someone recently. Although it’s still in the early stages I think he may be the one I have been looking for, only time will tell. Internet dating is definitely worth the effort. How else can busy mums meet single guys?

Hi Bonnie,
In response to your question posed in this newsletter, I'm a firm believer in laying it on the table from the get go. As I have small children, it's always a red flag that I'm divorced when I meet men and so I start with the truth. In my experience, I have found that the circumstances and the story matter less than how you have come through the story. Nobody wants to get involved with someone who is angry, bitter or victimized by their past circumstances, regardless of what they are. The feedback I have received as I've started dating is that the men have all been so impressed with how I have handled my situation and although the story is big and hurtful, I've emerged stronger, more compassionate and wiser as a result. My most profound wish is that every one of your readers can find their way there and no one feels like they have to keep their ex's secrets any longer.

Peace and love,
Carrie


Hi Bonnie,

I know that I have been out of touch for a while, sorry, but I have another new grandbaby and he is adorable. I have been healing and actually dating for a while now. I did not want to date after the divorce. It took me nearly 2 1/2 years to actually go out there. I even had crazy ideas that it was all a very bad dream and would someday be all right. Ha, Ha!!!, but it was not funny, as you all know. My situation may not be as some others, as I was one of those limbo wives. My husband, will never admit his lifestyle. He will go through life, as a sad, selfish, human being. Since I was not dating, it made sense to me to have "outings" with my ex. Not such a smart idea. It always left me feeling sad and depressed at what I had lost. The family unit, the family outings and get-togethers etc. I could not tell others about him, since he would call me a liar, and so I was the wrong person who gave up the marriage and ruined the family. I had a lot to get over. My son finally told me to get on with my life and realize that I had nothing to lose but being unhappy. Those were the words that set me off on a new direction.

So I tried on line dating. I met a great guy, on a free dating service, but he soon moved away and we have lost touch. I went out with him several times, but I would not have told him that my husband was gay. Later, several months later, I tried a dating service. I only signed up for three months. I met several men, but started communicating with one in particular. We have been dating several months now, and I DID NOT tell him about my husband being gay until we had been dating for several months. I do not feel that the men you date need to know everything right away. It makes you look like a whiner and a complainer. Being married to a gay man, as you know takes away a woman's self-esteem, and self-worth. We are belittled, ignored, taken for granted, a cover, a breeder, and sucked dry of any feelings that we are worth anything. We want to tell the world, what a derelict we were married to. Be the stronger one, be the woman that knows who she is and what she wants. When you start complaining about how you were married to this gay man etc., it scares them.

They are not strong enough to take it right away.
I can say that I am really happy now. My ex saw my new guy and myself in the mall in February. He finally said something to my daughter, who told me he was so mad, at me. Why? I don't know, he didn't want the package, but I don't want his either. I waited to tell until I felt that we had a strong enough relationship that he could handle the truth and I believe that it was a good decision. I also waited to date until I was sure of myself and who I was inside. I did have self worth, I did have a good feeling about my self esteem. Going out again is a scary thing. You have to open yourself up and that is hard since when you did open yourself before, you were burned really badly. All of us have gone through this horrific time. We need to stick together and realize that Bonnie has given us a great gift via which we can obtain the strength we need to get through the tough times in our life.

Thank you again Bonnie for your wisdom and assurances through everything. Feel free to send anyone who has questions and or comments my way. I don't have all the answers, but I have grown so much, thanks to you.

Jeanne

Dear Bonnie,

I can understand Lil wanting to "look" because it's natural: you want to know you've still "got it", that a really honest-to-God straight guy could find you attractive.

She's found that.

But I think her higher power is trying to tell her to take it a little bit slow right now ...

Now, in terms of being honest with a man, I've gotta say YES. YES YES YES. If he can't handle your reality, he isn't worth your time. You've spent X number of years taking care of someone who didn't take care of you ... now is the time to really listen to your gut.

I had a couple of misses before I met the man I'm currently with, probably the most thoughtful human being I've ever known. Yes, he's flawed (who isn't?!) but he wants honesty and isn't afraid of emotional intimacy. And, oh, by the way, he's straight straight straight. It's an amazing thing making love with a man who loves you and is attracted to you (and not a penis!)

That's my .02 Lil, take it slow and when you meet someone who you really click with, tell him when the time is right.
Linda


Hi Bonnie,

Lil wondered whether to tell her dates about her past. I did it both ways, however, the wonderful man I am now married to, I told on the first date. Because my ex husband was such a prominent community member and his "coming out" was done through an arrest, there was little keeping quiet about it. When I began online dating though, I just went by my first name and did so for the first couple of dates also. On my first date with my now wonderful husband, we were "clicking" right away. At a later point in the date, I said to him, "I need to tell you something that may change your mind about dating me", and I proceeded to tell him my last name upon he knew immediately who my ex was. I told him that due to this, I carried a lot of baggage. His immediate answer to me was, "you only carry the baggage that you choose to.......you did nothing, there is no baggage for you to carry." "You are a lovely lady that got a very raw deal." He then hugged me and told me in no way would that affect him wanting to get to know me. I knew then that he was the real deal and could deal with all I had to deal with. We married 16 months later and have now been married for 17 months and I have never been happier.

I truly feel that what we have been through will affect us for the rest of our lives. We can choose to let it consume us or to live through it and become stronger and happier but nevertheless it will affect us and sometimes it rears its ugly head at strange times. Having a spouse who loves us and understands all about us is a wonderful comfort.

I feel like someone who cannot love us for who we are in all of our totality only spells heartache ahead so I chose to be open and am blessed with a wonderful husband because of it. Hope this helps in some small way. Melody

Dear Julie,

The photos are something I, also, had a hard time dealing with. I put them away in boxes and never looked at them. We had no children together, so after he died, I finally just went ahead and pitched them. I knew I didn't want them anymore, and that I couldn't move on while I knew

I still had those damn pictures in those damn boxes in my house. I felt that he didn't deserve any more space in my head, my heart or my house. But, that's just me.

Since you have children, you could always ask them if they want the photos, or maybe if his parents (if they are still alive) or if his siblings want them. You could always have a shredding party or a small bonfire to wipe your hands of them. Or, you can just keep them in a box until you are ready. If it were me, I sure wouldn't bother to put them in albums.

One thing is certain, there are no rights or wrongs in this situation, whatever is best for YOU is right.

Hugs,
Joanie


Dear Julie,

Like you, I am an ardent fan of photography and have many photo albums from my 20 years of marriage to a secretly gay, cheating husband. He was also a sociopath an emotional abuser, and master manipulator. Like so many of us, I am still working on my recovery from this situation. I think I am just about there; it's been 14 years since he came out.

Photos can be so painful, since they freeze the moments in time, good or bad.
Every time I looked at any family photos, I would say to myself, "Oh he was cheating by then" or "Oh, that's when he gave me so-and-so gift to show me how much he loved me, and he was cheating". You can drive yourself crazy!

When I first had my ex move out, I readied him with 2 boxes of pages I took out of all the albums which contained him and his side of the family with our kids.

As for my wedding pictures, I could never stand to look at them. I wished I could jump back in time to warn that 23-year-old bride what she was in for. I finally gave the wedding album to my daughter. I don't even know if she kept it. I kept one picture of myself as a young bride.

I wished I could jump back in time and tell the proud mother of adorable toddler twins, what was about to start. I decided to put all the family pictures away until I could decide what to do with them. Maybe my daughter will want them. All the other photos are waiting for me to finish a really nice photo album of my kids, ages birth-age 21. After that, all the photos of my daughter's wedding and my granddaughter are with me and my family only.

Remember, you don't have to make the family picture decision right away. Put them away, and see how you feel later on. Give yourself time to heal from this horrible situation. It's all an ongoing process. Eventually, you will know what is the best for you.

Good Luck!
Lori in Texas

Hi Bonnie,
I wanted to respond to this.
"Once women are ready to start opening their hearts again and want to meet someone, an important question comes to light. Do I tell the new guy about my ex-husband? And if I do, when do I tell him? This is a question we often discuss in our support chats. Some women believe in honesty as the first policy; others believe that honesty comes after the relationship gets serious. Of course, there are pro’s and con’s for both arguments. Some women don’t want to invest emotional energy into a new relationship if the new man is going to walk away from this situation. Other women feel telling the new man will “turn him off” because he’ll be focusing on that issue instead of the relationship."

I don't ever tell a man anything about my past unless he specifically asks me. And even then I am very careful what I tell and how much. Generally those kinds of conversations are best done with girlfriends.
When I meet a man, I am generally interested in whether or not I like him and in finding out something about him.. I watch very carefully and I listen to the kinds of stories he tells me about himself. These tell me alot about him and how he deals with people and views life.

I generally assume that a man is most interested in whether or not a woman offers something that he might be interested in now, It's just my opinion that stories of past loves make a man feel crowded out and that its just more emotion than he is prepared to deal with early in a relationship. And its really none of his business unless you choose to make it his business. I find that now I really want to know a GREAT DEAL about a man before I am willing to consider giving my heart to him. And I expect the jury to be out at least a couple of years. In the first year, it seems to be a lot about fun and shared experiences. It's usually the second year before any trouble starts to surface or issues that were glided through asset themselves and demand to be resolved.

I never really enjoy hearing a man tell me how much he loved his first wife and how broken up he was over the divorce or her death. I like to think that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and I think most men feel that they want to be your hero and your lover and friend. I wouldn't tell him anything, but then if you do, if he runs, it might be that he can tell that you just aren't over it yet, or that you are looking for him to assure you that he will never ever cause you so much pain. And he can't promise you that if he has any integrity at all. Sometimes relationships end for any number of reasons. If I want another try at love, I feel that I have to be willing to take some chances and know that it takes a lot of time to trust and even then it might not last forever. I am more careful now.
I am one of the women that thought that my GAY husband was such a "good man" that I was willing to overlook the lack of chemistry, What a mistake!
I am so happy to say that now I have been dating a man for a few weeks that the sex is so hot with, you couldn't shake me loose with a big stick! I have to be peeled off the ceiling when he leaves for work.

I say have some fun and don't be so serious. If its right, he will be around in a year or two to have some of those long chats with and believe me when he wants to know, he will ask you. I intend to let a man be a man and if he wants me, he will have to hook me and reel me in. I think that when a man wants to make things happen with a woman, he does.

Anonymous

Dear Friends,

I have been reading Bonnie's newsletters since I learned of my ex- husband's on-line gay wrestling in the fall of 2005. Some of the comments and suggestions written over time, I have practiced. Others, I set aside because they didn't line up with my character, such as remaining angry and not forgiving my ex-husband's lies and for his going outside a committed, 23 year marriage. All of your comments are written by those who are in a process that isn't linear, meaning, it takes time, thought, prayer and the counsel and friendship of others to move past this horrible experience. It doesn't happen in a sequence and it takes the form you make of it.

In particular, I listen to those women who don't know what to make of a person who will not admit he is gay. (I am not sure bi-sexuality exists, although, I am open to this possibility.) My own husband is 'engaged' to another women with children. I begged him not to do what he did to another unsuspecting woman. He began to see her even before we were divorced. Of course, his position was: ' you didn't give me enough time to change, you are emotionally unstable, you sought out therapy, therefore there is something wrong with you, you are sexually assertive and that doesn't work for me, oral sex is dirty, or, I am too caught up in my work for sex......'

You see, often the same things many of you have been told and churn about in your letters to Bonnie. And so, what now? First, I have let go of having to hear the words: " I am gay" leave his mouth. I wanted and needed this from him--privately between us, as two married partners do. He won't and he can't. If he ever loved me, or trusted me, he would have told me he was gay. He can't. Period.

I have let go of him telling our two sons he is gay. Independent of me, they learned of this when they snooped his computer and found the truth for themselves. To this day, I have never said: "Your father
is gay." That is between their father and them. I told them, I didn't know what he was when they came to me with questions and confusion. I only said he partakes of these activities, and that he lied to me about who he is; and, that lack of trust doesn't make for a marriage. I have tried not to make him an evil person. He has a personality disorder, which leaves him without compassion and empathy. (NPD) He most closely aligns with a sociopath. It's a difficult disorder. We had been to 8 therapists over our 23 year marriage and
as long as I was the 'patient', he would remain in therapy. When he had to reveal himself, he would leave therapy.

My gay friends, who are both male and female, tell me that my ex isn't 'out' to himself, and that this will catch up to him if it hasn't already. Our tendencies to be who we really are grow with age. This is a natural process. We shed the “should’s,” the “must’s” and hopefully, live out who we really are with our inherent character, truth, integrity and light.

After nearly 4 years, I knew I wanted to rid myself of any residual resentment, anger, and damage the lies had left me with. This has nothing to do with my ex. This is something I wanted for myself.
Why? Because if you are angry, it shows up. If you are resentful it shows up.
Where does it show up? In your next significant relationship. In your relationship with your kids. In your relationship with your friends. It shows up and robs any current relationship of its goodness and health. You contaminate your good relationships with resentment and anger whether you realize it or not. You are either contributing to a relationship or polluting. I want to contribute.....

I am working the Al-Anon four step program. What is it? You name the person who has hurt and betrayed you. You write down, in no order, all, yes ALL the things that he or she did. Just a list. Mine is very long, by the way. It includes my ex telling me he never wanted our children after they were born. He went along to 'keep me'. Stuff like that. Big stuff and little stuff, like, ' Mary, you should not tell people how old you are in public. I want them to think I am younger than I am.' Yep. He said it many, many times.

The next bit of writing includes listing all of the ways this affected you, or what did it take from you. How did it affect you sexually, physically, spiritually, financially, morally, how did it affect your dreams. Again, I have a pretty long list....

Finally, you list any way you have contributed to this dynamic. What if anything, did you do, to perpetuate this relationship? How did you enable anything? It's scraping yourself clean. You need to do it. I have scrapped to the bone. It has been worth it.

I am going to take my work to my therapist who has been with me for nearly 5 years. She and I will review what is there and see what if anything more can be done, besides adding Time. There are also prayers that are used within the process of the Four Steps. Visit an Al-Anon group if you need to. It's for anyone who has been seriously harmed by a user, typically drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.

I made the choice not to be bitter, resentful, angry and abusive. I made the choice not to pollute my next relationship, nor the ones I have with my children, family and friends. Believe me, it will show up. You have to find a way to empty yourself of that stuff, so your Real Self comes back to you.

Thanks for listening.

My best for all of you in this little canoe trying to make your way.
Keep paddling, but use two oars.

Mary

Hi Bonnie

Short and sweet response to "Should we tell our new boyfriend the truth about having been married to a gay man"

Yes, tell your new boyfriend the truth, right from the get-go. If he can't take, it, then you're already a step ahead of the game, and know that he's not worth developing a further relationship with. If you can't talk openly about this topic with him, then I guarantee it's a predictor of a relationship that will not last. Don't continue to hide your gay ex-husband's secret. If your friend is afraid of talking about it, then find a new friend.

Regarding that wonderful piece that Julie Largent wrote. I LOVED reading about her dilemma. For it is also my dilemma. I have family photos in a couple of boxes that I have kept for years, intending to mount into photo albums, but since discovery, I neither want to look at them, or especially, handle them. I always wondered why my ex gay husband was never interested in family pictures. The only photos he took over the years were when his mom, sister, aunt or uncle came to visit, and he wanted me to take the pictures. I always had a feeling that he didn't want me in any of the pictures, which, at the time, was a subliminal feeling; however, after thinking about it, after reading Julie's article, I just now realized, that my feeling at the time, was true. He never suggested that my picture be taken - it was always his family doing the suggesting for me to be included in any photo, now that I think about it. Those pictures of him and his family were the simplest for me to dispose of - I just put all of "his" pictures in a box, which he took with him when he left our home, about 3 years ago. As for the others - the ones with him and me, or some variation of my son and daughter with him - I gave all of the pictures of him and our daughter, to our daughter. She's ok with him. She thinks I should forgive him. My son, on the other hand, has painstakingly cut his father out of pictures and saved the remaining part of the picture of himself and/or me, but I still don't know what to do with them - I can't mount them on a page for a photo album, that way. And then there's the wedding pictures. What do you do with them? I suppose these are the same questions that would arise given any divorce from a gay or straight man, but we have our own special pain, knowing that it was all pretend, is something that a divorced ex-wife of a straight man, wouldn't experience - at least they know that what they had was at least real, for a time. For us, it was all an illusion, as these pictures themselves, now seem to be.

Anonymous

That’s all for this month. Have a great one!
Love, Bonnie