Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
September 2009 Volume 8, Issue 99
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other
Please visit my website to view and purchases my books at www.BonnieKayeBooks.com. Your sales help support the website and monthly newsletter.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
Normally, I prefer not to focus on ME when I am talking to YOU. However, I would like to say a few words to my over 7,000 readers around the world who take the time to listen to what I share each month.
On September 26, I will turn 58. As I creep up through the age ladder aiming towards 60 in two years, I feel blessed that I had the strength to end the marriage to my gay husband many years ago so I could try to salvage the rest of my life and find peace of mind, happiness, and in my particular case, the love of a wonderful man who has become my lifeline. Because it is my birthday month, I would like to share some important thoughts with you.
Last week in our online support group, we were discussing the issue of “low self-esteem,” and how so many of us suffer from it. I explained to the group that I work every day to keep my self-esteem high because for so most of my life, it was so low. Self esteem is not an external issue—it’s an internal issue. For those of us who suffer from it—which are almost everyone reading this newsletter at some point or another, you know what a daily struggle it is to feel good about yourself. If you are living with a gay husband, it becomes that much more difficult because you feel the daily rejection and often ridicule in their effort to “control” the situation that is uncontrollable. Well, at least they try to control you since they can’t control themselves.
So, for all of you who are sitting there and shaking your heads in agreement, let me say these words to you. Self-esteem comes from conditioning. I know some of the most physically beautiful women who are brilliant, kind, and loving, but they have low self-esteem. They are doctors, nurses, politicians, actresses, company directors (and you know who you are when you read this) who feel just as inadequate as everyone else. You can look at them and say, “You’ve got to be kidding,” but I’m not. Their internal message system makes them feel the same as the rest of us who may not have been blessed with their physical or intellectual attributes. And yet I know women who will never be on a magazine cover and who may have jobs that are far from what most of us would consider high end, but yet they feel good about themselves because they have high self-esteem. Yep, I see this side of the equation as well. And I love seeing it too! It makes me realize that you can be Miss Average Jill and still feel like you are a true winner because you believe you are! That’s what high self-esteem does for women.
Because I have had a weight problem for 50 of my 58 years, I have suffered with self-esteem issues my whole life. From my teenage years when I “pudgy” to my adult years where I was just obese, I went through lots of horror stories in trying to feel “wanted” by a man who could love me for the way I was. When I married my gay husband 31 years ago, I was actually looking my best. I wasn’t overweight very much at that point—primarily because I had an eating disorder called bulimia. In my mid to late 20’s, that was my solution to my weight problem. I looked good and felt good about myself—better than I had in years—but that didn’t last long once those buttons of insecurity started being pushed in my marriage. My newly found self-esteem quickly went down the drain as my weight returned and the rejection set in.
So all these years later, I still struggle daily with my weight problem. I’ve accepted it is here with me to stay. I never stop working at it, but it’s just part of who I am. But guess what? If I’m concerned now it’s because of my health, not because of feeling bad about myself. Why? For the past 15 years and 8 months, I have been blessed to find a wonderful soulmate who hasn’t noticed that I put on that extra 60 pounds since we met. When I bemoan the fact of my weight, he just responds with things like, “More of you to love” or “You’re built for comfort!” This man makes me feel like I’m a movie star every time we are together. He makes me feel young and beautiful every time we are intimate, which is every week of the year. And we are no youngsters—trust me! But when we are together, we feel like we are in our 20’s. That is what I love so much about him. He makes me feel “internally” beautiful. He has built up my self-confidence instead of knocking it down. He inspires me and encourages me. No idea I have is ever too ridiculous or no requests are ever too “demanding” like it was when I had a gay husband. Because of his unconditional love for me, I have survived the worst tragedies in my life. It’s not all about HIM, it’s about me and him, and many times, he just focuses on me and what makes me happy. This is what a relationship is supposed to be.
What so many of you have is the “illusion” of a relationship because two people are living in the same place. But what you really find is two empty shells living there—both existing day to day. One is in a maze of confusion—the other is trapped in a lifetime of deception. Neither has the courage to say THIS IS NOT WORKING because fear and paralysis has set in. I always say every day you lose in these destructive marriages is a day you can never get back. Life is so precious and fragile. Ask me—I know. I lost both of my precious children in the past seven years. Life offers you no guarantees for sure.
This is why living with a man who is unable to love you for the woman you are is so destructive to YOU no matter what you look like or where you are in life. When I hear stories of women having to “beg” their husbands to have sex, it makes me ill. I remember those feelings of sexual rejection only too well. Nothing makes you feel less adequate than feeling like you are undesirable because a man won’t be honest with you about being gay. That is why I tell men I can always forgive them for being gay—that is not a choice. But it’s the deceit, the lies, and the manipulation to keep that secret going that makes me angry. No man has a right to rob his wife of what is hers—self-respect and self-worth. Men who continue to do this year in and year out are cowards of the worst type because they slowly peel away whatever self-esteem a woman has until she doubts her daily activities and sanity. I greatly appreciate our men who support us here who eventually do come to terms with themselves and do the right thing. I just wish all gay husbands could give their wives that gift.
So, I hope as my birthday gift some of you will do some heavy duty thinking about how wonderful your life could be if you allowed yourself to make that move and take your life back. If you need help or support, we have one great network here that will provide it for you. All you have to do is ask! You don’t have to do it alone.
MAILBAG:
Last month, we had two women who reached out to ask advice about dating and telling about the marriage to a gay husband and what to do with photographs with bad memories in the pictures. The responses were overwhelming, but all of them were important. Please feel free to always write and comment here.
Dear Bonnie,
I read your newsletter and am continually amazed at how we are a sisterhood with common stories. I filed for divorce August 3, 2007 and I got my final ruling August 6, 2009. I wanted to share my victory with all my sisters out there in the hopes that perhaps it will give some of them strength to keep going. It turned out there were 801 gay porn sites on the hard drive of the computer. He denied under oath knowing anything about how they got there. It was hard core evidence, with dates and times. He thought he had all this power because he had an attorney who promised him the world. He demanded half the house - even though my 85 year old mother, who lives with me, paid for 2/3 of the house when we combined households in 2000 because he was unemployed and my dad had Alzheimer’s. He demanded alimony for life because I earn more money as a teacher than he does as a Radio Shack employee and alimony pendente lite which is spousal support while going through the divorce. He demanded $55,000 rent for letting me remain in the house for the past two years. He was very concerned about getting the one item in the house that has some true value, an antique Persian carpet. He also demanded that I pay all his attorney fees. It should have been over in three months by Pennsylvania law and it should have been simple, if half the house was considered marital, it would have been equivalent to half his retirement account. His attorney had the power to drag it out for two years in order to accumulate enormous billable hours and he did that. He knew how to hurt me the deepest and so he did – by taking away the daughter I love with his lies, the grandson whom I have not seen since he was 8 months old and the fear of poverty. I was his victim for 29 years. But I hired a second attorney to intervene for my mother, doubled my attorney costs and fought back. I had no idea how the ruling was going to go but I refused to give him the power to break me. He thought he had the power because my daughter was his only witness. She is doing a residency as a doctor so having her come to court and testify that “my mother is crazy, my father is not gay” was supposed to make the judge give him everything he demanded. I watched him run up senseless legal fees that will completely empty his retirement account.
Our attorneys said very little in court. They didn’t have to. I married an engineer who earned a decent salary. I ended up with a pathetic creature with a 14 year addiction to gay pornography that took over his life, destroyed his career and his mind. The ruling went entirely in my favor. I get the house. He does not get alimony. He does not get alimony pendente lite. He does not get rent. He does not get anything in the house. He does not get his attorney fees paid for. He does have to pay me $4000 in cash for his share of the property taxes and his car insurance for the past two years. He also has to have an account set up in my name and transfer a hefty chunk of his retirement account into it. I don’t expect to get any money, he is a foreigner and he will probably leave the country to avoid having to pay me anything. But he ruined his life and he destroyed himself financially in his quest for revenge. He is 60 years old, earns $7.15 an hour and he blew all his retirement savings. He can contest it and he probably will but the end result will be the same. My advice to my sisters out there is to stand strong. I wanted my freedom to love again. Two days after the ruling I went on a cruise to Bermuda with my mother. It was rejuvenating and healing as well.
As for Julie’s question about what to do about photos, I packed all the photo albums in boxes and put them down in the basement after ripping up every single photo of him from 1990 on, the year when our marriage began to crumble because of his secret desires. Some day my kids might want to have them.
In response to Lil’s question about what to tell men in dating situations, I have approached dating as a research project. I talked to lots of recently married couples on the cruise ship and collected stories from them about how they met and I didn’t need to tell anyone that I had been married to a gay man. I wanted to learn more about remarriage in mid life. The basic consensus was that everyone has some kind of baggage. I think if a guy is turned off by it, then he is not the kind of man any of us need and that it is good to find that out sooner rather than later. We have a need for all the things we did not have in these doomed marriages…..respect, affection, emotional support, honesty, understanding, consideration, love and passion. We all deserve these things.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Take it one day at a time.
Dorothy
Dear Lil,
I read your letter with interest as I have been in a very similar position as you and can understand exactly what you are going through. My ex husband too was very nasty and unfair whilst going through the divorce. He had cheated on me with numerous men for years and I had found him out, yet he was the one being spiteful towards me. To this day I still do not understand what gave him the right to treat me that way. Like you at no point did I stop him seeing the kids even though I really wanted to sometimes. But believe it or not after seeing such a nasty side to him that I didn’t know existed everything has changed. He is now civil towards me and often quite chatty. A complete transformation! It is so much better for the kids sake, and mine too I might add!
Now to get back to your question about internet dating and telling the guys about your ex husband. This is what I have personally experienced. I have been internet dating on and off for over 2 years. Like you, at first I told the men before I met them about my ex. I think partly that was due to the fact that I had been cheated on and wanted to be sure I was honest and upfront from the start. This also allowed me to ask them why they had split from their ex wives. I wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with someone who had cheated on their spouse. Most didn’t seem to be bothered by it. Now though I don’t tell them until I meet them. But I do think it’s important from the outset to let them know as it has shaped my life as I was with my ex for 15 years. My past experiences with my husband also affect how I am today. I have met quite a few men from the internet and most I reject after one date. I went through a phase of looking for the perfect guy and felt I would know as soon as I first met him that he was the one! I have now come to the conclusion that I will never be sure straight away and trust and communication take time to develop.
Internet dating is very difficult please be careful. It is very flattering to have such a lot of attention from men once you join an internet site. Remember there are guys out there who just pray on vulnerable women. I have met my fair share! It takes time and experience on these sites to sift through the authentic single guys who are normal. But when you find the right guy I believe it’s important to be honest from the outset when you meet. If they do not wish to continue to see you then they are not worth your time anyway.
Best of luck
Joanne
P.S I have met someone recently. Although it’s still in the early stages I think he may be the one I have been looking for, only time will tell. Internet dating is definitely worth the effort. How else can busy mums meet single guys?
Hi Bonnie,
In response to your question posed in this newsletter, I'm a firm believer in laying it on the table from the get go. As I have small children, it's always a red flag that I'm divorced when I meet men and so I start with the truth. In my experience, I have found that the circumstances and the story matter less than how you have come through the story. Nobody wants to get involved with someone who is angry, bitter or victimized by their past circumstances, regardless of what they are. The feedback I have received as I've started dating is that the men have all been so impressed with how I have handled my situation and although the story is big and hurtful, I've emerged stronger, more compassionate and wiser as a result. My most profound wish is that every one of your readers can find their way there and no one feels like they have to keep their ex's secrets any longer.
Peace and love,
Carrie
Hi Bonnie,
I know that I have been out of touch for a while, sorry, but I have another new grandbaby and he is adorable. I have been healing and actually dating for a while now. I did not want to date after the divorce. It took me nearly 2 1/2 years to actually go out there. I even had crazy ideas that it was all a very bad dream and would someday be all right. Ha, Ha!!!, but it was not funny, as you all know. My situation may not be as some others, as I was one of those limbo wives. My husband, will never admit his lifestyle. He will go through life, as a sad, selfish, human being. Since I was not dating, it made sense to me to have "outings" with my ex. Not such a smart idea. It always left me feeling sad and depressed at what I had lost. The family unit, the family outings and get-togethers etc. I could not tell others about him, since he would call me a liar, and so I was the wrong person who gave up the marriage and ruined the family. I had a lot to get over. My son finally told me to get on with my life and realize that I had nothing to lose but being unhappy. Those were the words that set me off on a new direction.
So I tried on line dating. I met a great guy, on a free dating service, but he soon moved away and we have lost touch. I went out with him several times, but I would not have told him that my husband was gay. Later, several months later, I tried a dating service. I only signed up for three months. I met several men, but started communicating with one in particular. We have been dating several months now, and I DID NOT tell him about my husband being gay until we had been dating for several months. I do not feel that the men you date need to know everything right away. It makes you look like a whiner and a complainer. Being married to a gay man, as you know takes away a woman's self-esteem, and self-worth. We are belittled, ignored, taken for granted, a cover, a breeder, and sucked dry of any feelings that we are worth anything. We want to tell the world, what a derelict we were married to. Be the stronger one, be the woman that knows who she is and what she wants. When you start complaining about how you were married to this gay man etc., it scares them.
They are not strong enough to take it right away.
I can say that I am really happy now. My ex saw my new guy and myself in the mall in February. He finally said something to my daughter, who told me he was so mad, at me. Why? I don't know, he didn't want the package, but I don't want his either. I waited to tell until I felt that we had a strong enough relationship that he could handle the truth and I believe that it was a good decision. I also waited to date until I was sure of myself and who I was inside. I did have self worth, I did have a good feeling about my self esteem. Going out again is a scary thing. You have to open yourself up and that is hard since when you did open yourself before, you were burned really badly. All of us have gone through this horrific time. We need to stick together and realize that Bonnie has given us a great gift via which we can obtain the strength we need to get through the tough times in our life.
Thank you again Bonnie for your wisdom and assurances through everything. Feel free to send anyone who has questions and or comments my way. I don't have all the answers, but I have grown so much, thanks to you.
Jeanne
Dear Bonnie,
I can understand Lil wanting to "look" because it's natural: you want to know you've still "got it", that a really honest-to-God straight guy could find you attractive.
She's found that.
But I think her higher power is trying to tell her to take it a little bit slow right now ...
Now, in terms of being honest with a man, I've gotta say YES. YES YES YES. If he can't handle your reality, he isn't worth your time. You've spent X number of years taking care of someone who didn't take care of you ... now is the time to really listen to your gut.
I had a couple of misses before I met the man I'm currently with, probably the most thoughtful human being I've ever known. Yes, he's flawed (who isn't?!) but he wants honesty and isn't afraid of emotional intimacy. And, oh, by the way, he's straight straight straight. It's an amazing thing making love with a man who loves you and is attracted to you (and not a penis!)
That's my .02 Lil, take it slow and when you meet someone who you really click with, tell him when the time is right.
Linda
Hi Bonnie,
Lil wondered whether to tell her dates about her past. I did it both ways, however, the wonderful man I am now married to, I told on the first date. Because my ex husband was such a prominent community member and his "coming out" was done through an arrest, there was little keeping quiet about it. When I began online dating though, I just went by my first name and did so for the first couple of dates also. On my first date with my now wonderful husband, we were "clicking" right away. At a later point in the date, I said to him, "I need to tell you something that may change your mind about dating me", and I proceeded to tell him my last name upon he knew immediately who my ex was. I told him that due to this, I carried a lot of baggage. His immediate answer to me was, "you only carry the baggage that you choose to.......you did nothing, there is no baggage for you to carry." "You are a lovely lady that got a very raw deal." He then hugged me and told me in no way would that affect him wanting to get to know me. I knew then that he was the real deal and could deal with all I had to deal with. We married 16 months later and have now been married for 17 months and I have never been happier.
I truly feel that what we have been through will affect us for the rest of our lives. We can choose to let it consume us or to live through it and become stronger and happier but nevertheless it will affect us and sometimes it rears its ugly head at strange times. Having a spouse who loves us and understands all about us is a wonderful comfort.
I feel like someone who cannot love us for who we are in all of our totality only spells heartache ahead so I chose to be open and am blessed with a wonderful husband because of it. Hope this helps in some small way. Melody
Dear Julie,
The photos are something I, also, had a hard time dealing with. I put them away in boxes and never looked at them. We had no children together, so after he died, I finally just went ahead and pitched them. I knew I didn't want them anymore, and that I couldn't move on while I knew
I still had those damn pictures in those damn boxes in my house. I felt that he didn't deserve any more space in my head, my heart or my house. But, that's just me.
Since you have children, you could always ask them if they want the photos, or maybe if his parents (if they are still alive) or if his siblings want them. You could always have a shredding party or a small bonfire to wipe your hands of them. Or, you can just keep them in a box until you are ready. If it were me, I sure wouldn't bother to put them in albums.
One thing is certain, there are no rights or wrongs in this situation, whatever is best for YOU is right.
Hugs,
Joanie
Dear Julie,
Like you, I am an ardent fan of photography and have many photo albums from my 20 years of marriage to a secretly gay, cheating husband. He was also a sociopath an emotional abuser, and master manipulator. Like so many of us, I am still working on my recovery from this situation. I think I am just about there; it's been 14 years since he came out.
Photos can be so painful, since they freeze the moments in time, good or bad.
Every time I looked at any family photos, I would say to myself, "Oh he was cheating by then" or "Oh, that's when he gave me so-and-so gift to show me how much he loved me, and he was cheating". You can drive yourself crazy!
When I first had my ex move out, I readied him with 2 boxes of pages I took out of all the albums which contained him and his side of the family with our kids.
As for my wedding pictures, I could never stand to look at them. I wished I could jump back in time to warn that 23-year-old bride what she was in for. I finally gave the wedding album to my daughter. I don't even know if she kept it. I kept one picture of myself as a young bride.
I wished I could jump back in time and tell the proud mother of adorable toddler twins, what was about to start. I decided to put all the family pictures away until I could decide what to do with them. Maybe my daughter will want them. All the other photos are waiting for me to finish a really nice photo album of my kids, ages birth-age 21. After that, all the photos of my daughter's wedding and my granddaughter are with me and my family only.
Remember, you don't have to make the family picture decision right away. Put them away, and see how you feel later on. Give yourself time to heal from this horrible situation. It's all an ongoing process. Eventually, you will know what is the best for you.
Good Luck!
Lori in Texas
Hi Bonnie,
I wanted to respond to this.
"Once women are ready to start opening their hearts again and want to meet someone, an important question comes to light. Do I tell the new guy about my ex-husband? And if I do, when do I tell him? This is a question we often discuss in our support chats. Some women believe in honesty as the first policy; others believe that honesty comes after the relationship gets serious. Of course, there are pro’s and con’s for both arguments. Some women don’t want to invest emotional energy into a new relationship if the new man is going to walk away from this situation. Other women feel telling the new man will “turn him off” because he’ll be focusing on that issue instead of the relationship."
I don't ever tell a man anything about my past unless he specifically asks me. And even then I am very careful what I tell and how much. Generally those kinds of conversations are best done with girlfriends.
When I meet a man, I am generally interested in whether or not I like him and in finding out something about him.. I watch very carefully and I listen to the kinds of stories he tells me about himself. These tell me alot about him and how he deals with people and views life.
I generally assume that a man is most interested in whether or not a woman offers something that he might be interested in now, It's just my opinion that stories of past loves make a man feel crowded out and that its just more emotion than he is prepared to deal with early in a relationship. And its really none of his business unless you choose to make it his business. I find that now I really want to know a GREAT DEAL about a man before I am willing to consider giving my heart to him. And I expect the jury to be out at least a couple of years. In the first year, it seems to be a lot about fun and shared experiences. It's usually the second year before any trouble starts to surface or issues that were glided through asset themselves and demand to be resolved.
I never really enjoy hearing a man tell me how much he loved his first wife and how broken up he was over the divorce or her death. I like to think that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and I think most men feel that they want to be your hero and your lover and friend. I wouldn't tell him anything, but then if you do, if he runs, it might be that he can tell that you just aren't over it yet, or that you are looking for him to assure you that he will never ever cause you so much pain. And he can't promise you that if he has any integrity at all. Sometimes relationships end for any number of reasons. If I want another try at love, I feel that I have to be willing to take some chances and know that it takes a lot of time to trust and even then it might not last forever. I am more careful now.
I am one of the women that thought that my GAY husband was such a "good man" that I was willing to overlook the lack of chemistry, What a mistake!
I am so happy to say that now I have been dating a man for a few weeks that the sex is so hot with, you couldn't shake me loose with a big stick! I have to be peeled off the ceiling when he leaves for work.
I say have some fun and don't be so serious. If its right, he will be around in a year or two to have some of those long chats with and believe me when he wants to know, he will ask you. I intend to let a man be a man and if he wants me, he will have to hook me and reel me in. I think that when a man wants to make things happen with a woman, he does.
Anonymous
Dear Friends,
I have been reading Bonnie's newsletters since I learned of my ex- husband's on-line gay wrestling in the fall of 2005. Some of the comments and suggestions written over time, I have practiced. Others, I set aside because they didn't line up with my character, such as remaining angry and not forgiving my ex-husband's lies and for his going outside a committed, 23 year marriage. All of your comments are written by those who are in a process that isn't linear, meaning, it takes time, thought, prayer and the counsel and friendship of others to move past this horrible experience. It doesn't happen in a sequence and it takes the form you make of it.
In particular, I listen to those women who don't know what to make of a person who will not admit he is gay. (I am not sure bi-sexuality exists, although, I am open to this possibility.) My own husband is 'engaged' to another women with children. I begged him not to do what he did to another unsuspecting woman. He began to see her even before we were divorced. Of course, his position was: ' you didn't give me enough time to change, you are emotionally unstable, you sought out therapy, therefore there is something wrong with you, you are sexually assertive and that doesn't work for me, oral sex is dirty, or, I am too caught up in my work for sex......'
You see, often the same things many of you have been told and churn about in your letters to Bonnie. And so, what now? First, I have let go of having to hear the words: " I am gay" leave his mouth. I wanted and needed this from him--privately between us, as two married partners do. He won't and he can't. If he ever loved me, or trusted me, he would have told me he was gay. He can't. Period.
I have let go of him telling our two sons he is gay. Independent of me, they learned of this when they snooped his computer and found the truth for themselves. To this day, I have never said: "Your father
is gay." That is between their father and them. I told them, I didn't know what he was when they came to me with questions and confusion. I only said he partakes of these activities, and that he lied to me about who he is; and, that lack of trust doesn't make for a marriage. I have tried not to make him an evil person. He has a personality disorder, which leaves him without compassion and empathy. (NPD) He most closely aligns with a sociopath. It's a difficult disorder. We had been to 8 therapists over our 23 year marriage and
as long as I was the 'patient', he would remain in therapy. When he had to reveal himself, he would leave therapy.
My gay friends, who are both male and female, tell me that my ex isn't 'out' to himself, and that this will catch up to him if it hasn't already. Our tendencies to be who we really are grow with age. This is a natural process. We shed the “should’s,” the “must’s” and hopefully, live out who we really are with our inherent character, truth, integrity and light.
After nearly 4 years, I knew I wanted to rid myself of any residual resentment, anger, and damage the lies had left me with. This has nothing to do with my ex. This is something I wanted for myself.
Why? Because if you are angry, it shows up. If you are resentful it shows up.
Where does it show up? In your next significant relationship. In your relationship with your kids. In your relationship with your friends. It shows up and robs any current relationship of its goodness and health. You contaminate your good relationships with resentment and anger whether you realize it or not. You are either contributing to a relationship or polluting. I want to contribute.....
I am working the Al-Anon four step program. What is it? You name the person who has hurt and betrayed you. You write down, in no order, all, yes ALL the things that he or she did. Just a list. Mine is very long, by the way. It includes my ex telling me he never wanted our children after they were born. He went along to 'keep me'. Stuff like that. Big stuff and little stuff, like, ' Mary, you should not tell people how old you are in public. I want them to think I am younger than I am.' Yep. He said it many, many times.
The next bit of writing includes listing all of the ways this affected you, or what did it take from you. How did it affect you sexually, physically, spiritually, financially, morally, how did it affect your dreams. Again, I have a pretty long list....
Finally, you list any way you have contributed to this dynamic. What if anything, did you do, to perpetuate this relationship? How did you enable anything? It's scraping yourself clean. You need to do it. I have scrapped to the bone. It has been worth it.
I am going to take my work to my therapist who has been with me for nearly 5 years. She and I will review what is there and see what if anything more can be done, besides adding Time. There are also prayers that are used within the process of the Four Steps. Visit an Al-Anon group if you need to. It's for anyone who has been seriously harmed by a user, typically drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.
I made the choice not to be bitter, resentful, angry and abusive. I made the choice not to pollute my next relationship, nor the ones I have with my children, family and friends. Believe me, it will show up. You have to find a way to empty yourself of that stuff, so your Real Self comes back to you.
Thanks for listening.
My best for all of you in this little canoe trying to make your way.
Keep paddling, but use two oars.
Mary
Hi Bonnie
Short and sweet response to "Should we tell our new boyfriend the truth about having been married to a gay man"
Yes, tell your new boyfriend the truth, right from the get-go. If he can't take, it, then you're already a step ahead of the game, and know that he's not worth developing a further relationship with. If you can't talk openly about this topic with him, then I guarantee it's a predictor of a relationship that will not last. Don't continue to hide your gay ex-husband's secret. If your friend is afraid of talking about it, then find a new friend.
Regarding that wonderful piece that Julie Largent wrote. I LOVED reading about her dilemma. For it is also my dilemma. I have family photos in a couple of boxes that I have kept for years, intending to mount into photo albums, but since discovery, I neither want to look at them, or especially, handle them. I always wondered why my ex gay husband was never interested in family pictures. The only photos he took over the years were when his mom, sister, aunt or uncle came to visit, and he wanted me to take the pictures. I always had a feeling that he didn't want me in any of the pictures, which, at the time, was a subliminal feeling; however, after thinking about it, after reading Julie's article, I just now realized, that my feeling at the time, was true. He never suggested that my picture be taken - it was always his family doing the suggesting for me to be included in any photo, now that I think about it. Those pictures of him and his family were the simplest for me to dispose of - I just put all of "his" pictures in a box, which he took with him when he left our home, about 3 years ago. As for the others - the ones with him and me, or some variation of my son and daughter with him - I gave all of the pictures of him and our daughter, to our daughter. She's ok with him. She thinks I should forgive him. My son, on the other hand, has painstakingly cut his father out of pictures and saved the remaining part of the picture of himself and/or me, but I still don't know what to do with them - I can't mount them on a page for a photo album, that way. And then there's the wedding pictures. What do you do with them? I suppose these are the same questions that would arise given any divorce from a gay or straight man, but we have our own special pain, knowing that it was all pretend, is something that a divorced ex-wife of a straight man, wouldn't experience - at least they know that what they had was at least real, for a time. For us, it was all an illusion, as these pictures themselves, now seem to be.
Anonymous
That’s all for this month. Have a great one!
Love, Bonnie
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
JULY NEWSLETTER 2009
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
July 2009 Volume 8, Issue 97
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other
Please visit my website to view and purchases my books at www.BonnieKayeBooks.com. Your sales help support the website and monthly newsletter.
IN RESPONSE TO THE FATHER’S DAY JUNE ISSUE
Last month, I published my first newsletter featuring letters only from some of our gay men who support our efforts. I asked them to contribute insight that would help women understand the demons they faced that contributed to their living double lives until they came to terms with themselves.
I wanted to do this because when women experience this myriad of confusion, hearing how this happens can sometimes give us understanding that can lead to our healing. It wasn’t intended to make you feel better about your situation, but rather more aware of what some men go through in their own struggles.
I had a large response to this newsletter with various points of view, some of which with their permission I have reprinted to share with you. Some women really appreciated reading the words of these men because it gave them a better understanding of how their husbands were thinking. But others were angry because they felt the men were trying to “justify” their behavior. I viewed it not as a “justification,” but rather as an “explanation.” I am a very understanding woman whose heart hurts for men going through this nightmare. However, that being said, I will never justify the misbehavior of their cheating on their wives emotionally or sexually during the marriage.
I’ve said this numerous times before. Homosexuality is not about “infidelity”—it’s about “sexuality.” It’s about a man posing to be a straight man and living in a straight world while being a homosexual man and making his wife feel inadequate because she is a woman. Here are some points that I want to reiterate.
1. Nothing makes me feel angrier than when gay men tell their wives, “It takes two to make a marriage fail.” No, it takes one—one gay man living in a marriage to a straight woman where he doesn’t belong. That’s a fact—not an opinion. No matter how “nice” some of these guys can be, they aren’t into you because you are a woman. They may cuddle with you, hug you, even perform sex with you, and love you on some level, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want a man to have sex with over making love with you. No woman should have to feel that she has to compete with a man for a man’s love. First, she can’t compete; second, she can’t compete. I thought I would restate that for you in case you didn’t hear me loud enough the first time!
2. Most married gay men look for reasons to blame their wives for their unhappiness. Although the wife is the cause of the unhappiness, it’s not because she’s a wife—it’s because she’s a woman. They try criticizing, controlling, and micro-managing the marriage to make you think that what’s wrong is your fault, but that’s because they are miserable living within their own lies. Rather than accept responsibility, it’s so much easier to blame you for their unhappiness. How many of our women tell me the same thing my ex-husband used to tell me—he felt “trapped.” I used to feel like an ogre expecting my husband to do what a husband should do—want to spend time building a life with me and making love with me. Yep, that was trapping him, right? There is only so much belittling that women can take before they start to believe there is something wrong with them—and so they stop asking and stop expecting. This creates a loss of self-esteem and sexual esteem. No man should be allowed to do that to a woman on a continuous basis, year in and year out. Who is really “trapped” here? The man is leading his life “outside” the marriage while the woman is truly trapped by her own insecurities and feelings of failure.
3. There are no easy ways to end a marriage. If I hear one more man tell his wife to “get over it” because she’s had six weeks or six months to come to terms with it, I’ll get really angry. A man has his whole life to deal with who he is. He spends years in denial and living a double life because he can’t accept who he is. So now that he has come to terms with himself, we’re supposed to move at the speed of light to just accept that everything we thought we had in our marriage is now gone. Guys, give me a break. It took you years to accept you—don’t expect us to “get over it” in record time so you can enjoy your new life. It isn’t going to work that way. So many of our women still love their husbands when they lose them. They have spent years loving these men. Even when they know the marriage has to end, it doesn’t mean they can turn on and off the love.
4. What hurts so much is the betrayal. I think that if a husband was honest with his wife before he acted on his homosexuality, she could deal with the situation so much better. But in almost all cases, men (even the nicest ones) are out there playing while they are married. I have heard from hundreds of members of this support network who have STD’s brought home to them by their unfaithful husbands who had no consideration about infecting their wives. As I always say, no man has a choice in being gay—but he does have a choice in being honest. The honesty should come before the husband decides to go out there and do his thing. That would be the right thing to do.
So guys, if I hurt your feelings, I’m sorry. But you know me—I have to say it as I see it and have seen it for nearly 30 years. But I’m always happy to listen and share, so continue to send in your letters and I’ll continue to share them with our women in hopes of creating a better awareness and understanding.
Here are some letters from the last two months:
Dear Bonnie,
7 months ago, I sent you this:
"Dear Bonnie, my new good friend:
Please, please add me to your newsletter at this address, and let me know how I can get your book, "Straight Wives, Shatter Lives." This is so how I feel.
My 52nd birthday was October 29th. A few minutes past midnight on the 30th, my entire world was rocked by concrete proof of my husband's infidelity, and life "in the closet." He inadvertently left his email open, and I got the shock of my life. I printed out several of his emails (I had the presence of mind to realize I might need proof); I also figured out his password, since he uses the same one for everything. Funny enough, he has yelled at me because I vary passwords; he told me to keep the same one. Little did he know that that would provide me easy access; also ammunition, in case I have to take him to court. I don't like this hard side of me; it's almost as unknown as the man I found in those emails. He's been doing this for a year. How could I not have known?
I found emails setting up "dates" -- when he should have been looking for a second job. I work about 50 (sometimes, up to 80 hours) a week. He's been complaining about "doing everything", while playing with other men. I found pictures he's sent to other men "displaying his wares" -- I wouldn't brag if I were him. But, apparently, he's had takers.
I have been married for 24 years, with him for 31. I feel so betrayed and angry, frightened to death of the future, in mourning for my future life I envisioned -- I burst into tears without warning, am hanging on only with the support of my friends and my children, who, interestingly enough, have told me for years that "you know, Daddy's gay." Their friends (and some of mine) have said to me since this "you have such great 'gay-dar': how have you missed it?" I honestly had no idea. I feel like the biggest fool.
I look back over 31 years, and think that there were warning signs I missed -- I thought the worst thing to happen to me was incest as a child, then teenager. I was wrong. That was a walk on the beach compared to the misery that my marriage has become, more increasingly over the past 10+ years. I have wracked my brain and my soul over these years, trying to figure out why I am so miserable a failure as a wife, why I can't do anything right, walking on constant eggshells, afraid to "upset" him. This sets him off in a verbally denigrating, berating diatribe of my failures; he's blamed me for everything from the condition of the house to the "turning against him" of our children. Thankfully, our children are now 18 and 20, so custody issues are nonexistent.
He is extremely self-righteous about attending Mass -- interestingly enough, he apparently has hidden his sexual proclivities from everyone. I am harboring feelings of vengeance; I want to out him to the congregation: my Scorpio is hard to override in this.
I am in the process of obtaining a formal separation agreement from my lawyer (also one of my friends), and I want to be able to have all of the facts at my disposal before I sit him down. It won't be pretty. He will probably blame me, as always, and become vindictive. It is killing me to make him leave, but I see no way of salvaging this relationship. By entertaining men, he has also given me HSV 1 and 2, and that is unforgiveable. My children have told me "you deserve someone who will treat you right", so I know they are very supportive.
I do have outside interests -- my community theater involvement is my passion. He directly blames my involvement in this as a reason for our relationship to suffer "your theater has come between us". It is my relationship with my theater friends that is saving my life. I also have a good career as a nurse manager that has provided me a support network at work as well.
Thank you, thank you for being here. For the first time since I discovered the horror that my marriage and life has become, I am starting to feel hopeful about an "after life." I still feel that my chances for a romantic afterlife are just about nil.
I apologize for the length of this -- but I am so grateful that I am not alone. Bless you.
Sincerely, Theresa"
June 14, 2009
That was November 15, 2008. Hard to believe it's been 7 months since that letter -- so much in my life has changed. I'm writing back to you to let you know how GOOD life is now. If you want to share any of this in your newsletter, by all means, please do -- maybe it will help other wives of gay men.
As you know, I found out October 30th. All the details are above; I kept my secret through Thanksgiving (fortunately, it was a small dinner). I made it through Christmas (I had a hysterectomy on December 18th -- my children were with me, and my mother came to help out and stayed almost to the New Year. This helped, since they all knew the truth (how we all kept it a secret, I really don't know!) Christmas was awful as was New Year's Eve (I went out with friends, since he had to work -- a small blessing).
Every time I looked at him, all I could think of was, "You lying bastard. How can you go on like you're so innocent? Don't you feel any guilt? You son of a bitch!" It took all the strength I had not to tell him right out. I was working on my separation and property settlement agreement, and I wanted to have all of my pieces in place before I confronted him. For three months, I kept my silence. At times, I thought it would kill me. Every breath I took was painful – I had panic attacks at night, waking up gasping. He slept blissfully through it all. The first month I was devastated, the second angry and the third putting the final touches on my planning. I had to be so careful; losing his income had to be taken into account seriously; our daughter (age 18) was still living at home and in school. I had to consider more than myself; unlike my husband, who was willing to throw it all away.
Finally, finally, on February 1, 2009 at 2 pm, I walked in my front door and said "We need to talk". He snidely said "about what?" I told him to join me at the table by the door (he had been escalating in his anger, and I wasn't sure how he would react). I said "I know what you've been doing and I want a divorce." He then said, "I do, too." My reply? "Then let's talk business." I had the separation agreement in my hand all ready to sign (if he would; my best friend is a notary, and was waiting down the street with her stamp, just in case he agreed to sign the papers.) When I confronted him about his being "gay" -- I asked him if he knew he was gay when he married me and he said no. He also waffled over being "gay" -- "I guess I am". He also said to me, "I guess you've been screwing around" -- I told him "actually, I haven't. I've been faithful for 31 years; but apparently you haven't. Get yourself tested -- you gave me herpes." His response, "Oh." Oh, indeed. When I asked him whatever made him think that cheating on me was ok, he said "I wasn't getting it from you." Us women know that sex, for us, begins in the mind, by the way we're treated and made to feel, long before the actual physical act begins; he was clueless. For him "it was just sex; us men can do that." I told him, "So can women, but I honored my vows." He also told me that "I don't have any guilt about what I've been doing - you deserve everything you got" -- I was incredulous -- "including herpes?!" "Yeah, everything." I looked at him and, in that moment, knew why women killed their husbands. Fortunately, I had already decided that I was worth 100 of him and he wasn't worth the trouble.
By 2:06, I called my son's friend (who was down the street, ready to protect me; my son was out of state) and said, "no drama, we're reading the agreement." A short time later, all signed and notarized, we were legally separated. I couldn't believe it -- in the end, it was such a simple procedure! All of a sudden, I felt a HUGE burden lift from me, I took a deep breath and said "I'm free!" I left the house with friends and my daughter and went to celebrate, leaving him in the kitchen. Don’t get me wrong; I knew it was partially relief that it was out in the open, but after so many months of pain and fear, the relief was welcome.
We moved him out twelve days later (he was supposed to leave twenty days later, but he started ransacking the house every time I left, so I threw him out). It was ugly, hostile and nearly violent; it also removed any hope I had had of remaining friends or, at least, being civil to each other. Sadly, my children were with me. They knew, somehow, who he really was; I never saw it (or wouldn’t see it). As much as I was grateful for their support, it saddened me that they had to see the awful end to what had been so good long ago. My husband had been at odds with my son for years; my son told me that he kept his peace for me; my daughter has her own relationship with her father. So ended my former life. The same day he left, I had my son and his friends start to repaint my living room; with that beginning, "Project Refeathering My Nest" has been ongoing; I have been happily industrious and am enjoying the peace in my home and the freedom to rearrange and change my home to suit me and my daughter.
People keep telling me how good I look, how "radiant" and "have you lost weight?" I tell them "yes, I lost 250 lbs. of ugly attitude!" Life is different; sometimes a little harder. I kept the house, so now I've got all of the responsibilities to deal with alone. But I am so much happier now. Yes, I do miss being part of a couple and the husband I married so long ago. May 26th was my 25th wedding anniversary; I went on vacation with my children and celebrated my independence instead of my now defunct marriage. I am loving my freedom and the glory of being free from the critical, belittling and the overall mean and petty, angry man that my husband had become. I am free of the futile, numerous attempts I made to rekindle our intimacy, thinking that if I was better, more open, more accommodating, that he would be more loving and accepting of me. I'm free of the constant battle of trying to bury my needs and trying to fulfill his. Free of never, ever, being "good enough". When I found out about my husband, I was thinking "maybe I can live with this; maybe we can live as friends, maybe ..." I was trying so hard to live with his lie. But, thankfully, I had such wonderful people to support me, as I finally, painfully, decided to end my marriage. But it was the right decision -- of that, I have no doubt.
I’ve read letters from gay men on this website; I’ve read about their pain and uncertainty and all of the rest. Part of me wants to be sympathetic; perhaps I would have been, had I not been lied to and treated so shabbily. Had my husband been truly “a man” and sat me down, truly talked with me and not blamed me for “pushing him” into affairs with men, maybe I wouldn’t have been so shattered when I found out. For all my “failings,” I deserved (as we all do) much more than finding out from email. I’ve wished him dead more than once; the closure would have been much easier and the memories of the good years would have remained untainted. Now, almost every memory of my life with him is shadowed by “when did it start?” “Why didn’t I see the signs?”
This is my advice to anyone still living with this nightmare. Be fair to yourself! Go on those gay/bisexual websites and read those emails. These men are selfish, egocentric and arrogant -- they may not be totally happy with their situation, but they're satisfied to get their needs taken care of, whine about being unhappily married but enjoy all the rest of what "normal" married life is like. They rationalize their behavior to assure themselves that they're OK -- that they're not hurting anyone, that they're still "good husbands", so they have the "right" to do what they're doing. My husband complained constantly, but enjoyed my income. Get out of that hell and go on with your life. Take back the "real you"; not the "married you" you've become so that you can "keep him happy"; "keep the peace", etc. You'll NEVER make him happy! He doesn't want you, but he's too cowardly and self-serving to let you go. He doesn't even care if he brings home an STD and passes it to you -- I'm so angry that I was faithful for over 30 years and STILL got herpes. Their world is a sex-focused, self-serving, man-to-man "bonding" subculture of society that exists. These men are a slow-acting poison, making any relationship with them toxic; they're like leeches draining the life out of the women unfortunate enough to be married to them. They build themselves up, while ruining the very women they vowed "to love, honor and cherish". Cherish? Like hell. Too harsh an indictment? I don't think so.
Bonnie, thank you so much for all that you do. I never thought I would survive the upheaval and pain, but I did. I never thought life could be so good, but it is. I never knew how strong I was until I freed myself from the imprisoning life sentence my marriage had become. Now, I'm even ready to go out and date again, make new friends and maybe find someone who'll appreciate the person I've become. Thank you, thank you for validating the strong, resourceful, valuable "me" that still remained deep inside; I'm joyous to be back, whole, powerful. To my sisters: there truly is a wonderful life waiting for you; it'll be better, because, just being yourself, you will be "enough."
Theresa
Dear Bonnie,
“There is a certain prototype that gay men look for in a wife when there may be problems down the road. That’s why you rarely see a straight wife seeking total revenge on her gay husband. In some cases, it does happen, but for the most part, we are women who love too much, too hard, feel too bad about our husbands’ pain, feel guilty even when our head tells us it has nothing to do with us, and continue to want to protect our husbands even when they are out there and not protecting us. “
Ladies when I read Bonnie’s May newsletter I did not know whether to laugh, scream, or cry so I did all of the above. You see what she said in that quote was so true,. And yes, Gay, it is Gay.
I joined this group two years ago when a man I was madly in love with told me over dinner how he wasn’t gay but his boyfriends are. He was serious! I wish I could have used that line Gay, it is gay to explain to him that when you sleep with men you have won the homosexual Triple Crown. He could not understand why this was not welcome news and why I wanted him out of my life immediately. That lead to the second phase of shock and awe on my part.
The icing on the cake is I went on line to meet someone three months ago after a few years of being shell shock and leery as you can imagine. The site was recommended by a family-oriented morning show and hosts I trust.
The gentleman picked me and we clicked instantly. I corresponded with him for about a month and then had wonderful telephone calls. I could never arrange my schedule to meet him but I finally planned for the Memorial Day weekend to be the time.
Then he dropped the “G” nuclear bomb the night before I was supposed to meet him in person. First he asked if I had ever been with a woman, At that point my radar kicked in because the one two years ago accused me of being gay when I suggested one night after dinner that we go to a “gay” area for coffee. Hell, neither of us had a car and it was the only place Metro accessible. I asked him if he was gay in return and he acted as if I asked him if he ate his young.
Back to the future, Internet lover then said he slept with men! I gave him points for honesty but the room rocked.
I did not handle it well with the first gentleman two years ago—I cursed him vigorously for about half a mile as we walked home from the restaurant.
Obviously the professional counseling degree and church reconciliation classes are kicking in. I told him I was not going to judge him for what he did in the past because it was not my right. I decided to try to talk him down from the heterosexual ledge and encourage him to embrace his true sexuality like I did with the first one.
He is from a culture where this is taboo and anathema. His mother is in town from overseas and I began to think I was in an Indian version of “The Wedding Banquet,” the film where the gay man marries a woman to avoid telling his parents he is gay. As if parents don’t have eyes to see and ears to hear. Momma probably knows.
In any event, he retracted it later and said he only said it because he wanted to see if I would sleep with him if he said he slept with other men. I suppose he forgot that he had also asked me if I would be interested in a ménage a trios with another man. Ladies, this is not what I call courtship behavior of a straight man!
Gay is not an aphrodisiac for straight women.
It was late at night and he works on Wall Street, so he must have been at happy hour too long and short term memory was impaired. Mine wasn’t. I remembered what he said. Counseling classes teach you to attend. Okay, this is denial taken to a dangerously deep level!
On a positive note, I can see how this group and the support of others have helped me. I am not devastated as I was before and I did not lose my religion by calling him out of his family name. I simply said Adios
I was trying to figure out what I did to attract another one of these mentally disassociated people when this Newsletter came in the mail.
So thank you Bonnie. I see that I am a woman who is too kind, too compassionate, too loving, and too forgiving. In other words, they seek the best women for the worst treatment.
Oh, and guess what internet guy. You are gay, it’s gay!
Anon.
Hi Bonnie,
Your June newsletter somehow seemed rather sugar coated to me.
Most of us did not have these experiences, and I believe some of these men are skipping over a very important part of "their process"--like the truth. The man who had sex with many men before he married his wife -- did he inform her of this before the marriage or did this part of the truth not seem important to him? Did he even consider that she deserved that "little bit of truth"? No. He just married her to fit in. She never had the chance to choose whether she wanted to marry a man who liked having sex with men. It was his decision to lead her blindly into this "marriage." I have no sympathy for him.
Also, I feel many of these men are skipping over the cheating during the marriage. I think they see it as "being true to themselves" and not as cheating on their wives, not to mention that they potentially exposed their wives to life threatening sexual transmitted diseases.
Sorry, I just found it really hard to read these sugar coated stories. Too much of the woman's pain was ignored. But, too many times, that is par for the course as far as they are concerned. It's all about the poor gay man, while the wife is left to pick up the pieces of her life.
And so it goes...
J.
Dear Bonnie,
I read this month’s letter but what about the women like me who were tricked by a man into a gay marriage in which he knew exactly who he was and what kind of a life I was in for? My husband withdrew all sex and affection beginning on the honeymoon and had a regular sex life with men throughout the marriage. He used me as a beard and to improve his standard of living there was no love on his side it was a con job. I was wife number five. He spent the whole marriage trying to convince me that the life we led of no sex or affection was normal, that I was unworthy of love and it was unreasonable of me to expect him to want to have sex with me or show me affection since I was such a bad person. Once when I asked him about his refusal to have a normal relationship with me he said that if I gave him complete access to all of my money he might feel like having sex with me. This man nearly destroyed me. I would like to hear more abut this kind of predator.
Thanks
Marilyn
Dear Bonnie,
I had thought I was dealing with what happened to me, until I read the self justification of gay husbands in your June newsletter.
I truly believe that no one has a choice about whether they are gay - that this is somehow built in and cannot be changed or altered. But everyone does have a choice about how they live their lives, and the same standards of decency and honesty apply to gays as well as straights. No one has a right to harm others and then whine about how they can't help it. No one has the right to cheat and lie and steal years of a woman's life, then wring his hands and whimper about his pain. Was your pain great enough to make you change your life? MINE WAS!
Kay A.
BTW, Kay lives in Sioux City, South Dakota. If there are any other women in this area who would like to get together for support, please let me know and I’ll refer you to Kay.
Bonnie,
That was very interesting, but somewhat hard to read. It is only hard because I still don't know if my husband is in denial or not. I am weighing my options anyway because he is not good at loving me and the girls in the way we need (because sometimes I feel like he uses our marriage problems to be less of a dad at times...like when he's out of town for work and doesn't call for days or weeks or is unaccountable by not answering our calls...he has told me he doesn't want to call because he doesn't want to talk to me...this is just stuff from the past....he's been around a lot and better at this when he has been away, yet his job is ready to take him away a lot again).
So I am planning. I have finally come to a point that I’ve realized my love is not enough for both of us. (oh, he says he loves me and shows it in his own ways...yet at the same time he is so hurtful and negative about me....). maybe it helps that i had to do the same with my mom a few years back because she is a lot like him....cares more about being right than anything else. He has so much anger, i don't know where it comes from.
I still don't feel like there is any excuse to lie. I feel like even if a man has lied 399 times, then start telling the truth the 400th time. The past lies don't make it okay the next time. The man can never start to gain respect from his wife and children unless he starts somewhere. I’m not saying it would be easy at first and I wouldn’t react or get cold toward him. But the sooner he told the truth, the sooner I could go through the cycles of loss and just get to a better place. Right now i just have intense loneliness. I know things are not right. My heart aches....he has hurt me so many times worse than any break up I’ve ever had in my dating years. This is the father of my children and his lack of love and intimacy and acceptance hurts me to the core. Sometimes I have wailed (how else can I say it...it is a cry of agony that comes from pain so deep inside...a mother's cry for a child lost or in trouble)...all alone because his actions and words are so heartless and just break me down (and I cry for my children, their father that I chose, me...their
mother, and this family. This hurts way worse because of my desires and hopes for my girls...and I feel like he's cheating them when he cheats me.)
This hurt is also from the lack of support he gives me as a person....I don't want only the financial; I want him to want to take care of me as a man could. Believe me it's the last thing I want to hear that he's gay. But this little feeling I always get that he might be is so much more painful. If I knew this were the reason he isn't loving and intimate towards me in the way I know exists....then it would give a reason for everything. It's not what I want...but it's just like someone avoiding going to the doctor's when they know they are dying...they can feel it and/or they can see the signs, yet it doesn't change that they need to face it. They can't stop themselves from dying by denying it's happening.
I am making plans to put myself first so I can show my girls how strong I am and how much I love them and that being a woman doesn't have to be demeaning....not because he's told me the truth, but because I have just hit that point where he can't do this to me anymore. I don't want our girls to think of me as I am in this relationship. I’m tired of being labeled as if I’m one with him....like I’m just as sick and hateful....like I just "love fighting" as he puts it. I feel darned if I do and darned if I don't with him. I’ve reached the point I’m going to stop fighting for us...because it is useless. I’m done talking, and I’m done caring. I’m done trying to explain my feelings to him in millions of different ways in hopes of him "getting it."
I’m done initiating sex (it finally got past the begging stage...not sure if he's just doing that to pacify me.) I do love him as only a wife of this long could, but I’m realizing that it's okay to love him, and still put myself and therefore my girls first and just take care of us. I’ve tried to work on this marriage, it seemed to get better, but it really never will.
If he never tells me the truth and I find out some other way...which I will...the truth almost always comes out eventually....I don't think I could ever go through those cycles of loss and begin to find acceptance. Because I would always know that he was not a man to tell the truth to me and for the girls. I would know that, as usual, he put his own need to avoid personal pain or reactions from others over being man enough and caring enough to put us first. As one of your gay ex-husbands said in the letter....the only way to be a role model to his kids was to start being true to himself. The lies in the past will not be made right, yet he is being a person of honor from that day forward. And that would be a start.
And I know there's a possibility he may not be gay...he may just be a confused soul who is selfish and not good for me. It is not enough to have somebody love me only to pacify me. That is not what I have given, and I’m ready to open my heart up to friends and loved ones who are more like me. When my time is being eaten away by a user, I am passing by true love and friendship, the kind we all need to get us through and make the burdens of life a little more bearable!
I can never forgive him unless we start moving forward, someway...making changes....honesty...which i know i may never get...so I have to make my own life.
One more thing....I don't think he cares that I’ve had this pain...not one bit. He knows about the tip of the iceberg of the pain he's caused. And he makes it clear that I’m just playing the world's tiniest violin. He makes it impossible for me to ever even touch on just how I feel. I know that's defensiveness because of his shame and he has a hard time wanting to deal with how his actions have affected other people. which is funny how his actions always end up affecting me and the girls the hardest...yet he's always so busy worrying about his own self inflicted wounds.
Mother and human being with value."
Well ladies, thanks for sharing your feedback. Please feel free to respond to any of our letters or issues. If you would like to have your letter republished, I will contact you and you can sign it however you like.
Have a good month!
With love and hope,
Bonnie
July 2009 Volume 8, Issue 97
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other
Please visit my website to view and purchases my books at www.BonnieKayeBooks.com. Your sales help support the website and monthly newsletter.
IN RESPONSE TO THE FATHER’S DAY JUNE ISSUE
Last month, I published my first newsletter featuring letters only from some of our gay men who support our efforts. I asked them to contribute insight that would help women understand the demons they faced that contributed to their living double lives until they came to terms with themselves.
I wanted to do this because when women experience this myriad of confusion, hearing how this happens can sometimes give us understanding that can lead to our healing. It wasn’t intended to make you feel better about your situation, but rather more aware of what some men go through in their own struggles.
I had a large response to this newsletter with various points of view, some of which with their permission I have reprinted to share with you. Some women really appreciated reading the words of these men because it gave them a better understanding of how their husbands were thinking. But others were angry because they felt the men were trying to “justify” their behavior. I viewed it not as a “justification,” but rather as an “explanation.” I am a very understanding woman whose heart hurts for men going through this nightmare. However, that being said, I will never justify the misbehavior of their cheating on their wives emotionally or sexually during the marriage.
I’ve said this numerous times before. Homosexuality is not about “infidelity”—it’s about “sexuality.” It’s about a man posing to be a straight man and living in a straight world while being a homosexual man and making his wife feel inadequate because she is a woman. Here are some points that I want to reiterate.
1. Nothing makes me feel angrier than when gay men tell their wives, “It takes two to make a marriage fail.” No, it takes one—one gay man living in a marriage to a straight woman where he doesn’t belong. That’s a fact—not an opinion. No matter how “nice” some of these guys can be, they aren’t into you because you are a woman. They may cuddle with you, hug you, even perform sex with you, and love you on some level, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want a man to have sex with over making love with you. No woman should have to feel that she has to compete with a man for a man’s love. First, she can’t compete; second, she can’t compete. I thought I would restate that for you in case you didn’t hear me loud enough the first time!
2. Most married gay men look for reasons to blame their wives for their unhappiness. Although the wife is the cause of the unhappiness, it’s not because she’s a wife—it’s because she’s a woman. They try criticizing, controlling, and micro-managing the marriage to make you think that what’s wrong is your fault, but that’s because they are miserable living within their own lies. Rather than accept responsibility, it’s so much easier to blame you for their unhappiness. How many of our women tell me the same thing my ex-husband used to tell me—he felt “trapped.” I used to feel like an ogre expecting my husband to do what a husband should do—want to spend time building a life with me and making love with me. Yep, that was trapping him, right? There is only so much belittling that women can take before they start to believe there is something wrong with them—and so they stop asking and stop expecting. This creates a loss of self-esteem and sexual esteem. No man should be allowed to do that to a woman on a continuous basis, year in and year out. Who is really “trapped” here? The man is leading his life “outside” the marriage while the woman is truly trapped by her own insecurities and feelings of failure.
3. There are no easy ways to end a marriage. If I hear one more man tell his wife to “get over it” because she’s had six weeks or six months to come to terms with it, I’ll get really angry. A man has his whole life to deal with who he is. He spends years in denial and living a double life because he can’t accept who he is. So now that he has come to terms with himself, we’re supposed to move at the speed of light to just accept that everything we thought we had in our marriage is now gone. Guys, give me a break. It took you years to accept you—don’t expect us to “get over it” in record time so you can enjoy your new life. It isn’t going to work that way. So many of our women still love their husbands when they lose them. They have spent years loving these men. Even when they know the marriage has to end, it doesn’t mean they can turn on and off the love.
4. What hurts so much is the betrayal. I think that if a husband was honest with his wife before he acted on his homosexuality, she could deal with the situation so much better. But in almost all cases, men (even the nicest ones) are out there playing while they are married. I have heard from hundreds of members of this support network who have STD’s brought home to them by their unfaithful husbands who had no consideration about infecting their wives. As I always say, no man has a choice in being gay—but he does have a choice in being honest. The honesty should come before the husband decides to go out there and do his thing. That would be the right thing to do.
So guys, if I hurt your feelings, I’m sorry. But you know me—I have to say it as I see it and have seen it for nearly 30 years. But I’m always happy to listen and share, so continue to send in your letters and I’ll continue to share them with our women in hopes of creating a better awareness and understanding.
Here are some letters from the last two months:
Dear Bonnie,
7 months ago, I sent you this:
"Dear Bonnie, my new good friend:
Please, please add me to your newsletter at this address, and let me know how I can get your book, "Straight Wives, Shatter Lives." This is so how I feel.
My 52nd birthday was October 29th. A few minutes past midnight on the 30th, my entire world was rocked by concrete proof of my husband's infidelity, and life "in the closet." He inadvertently left his email open, and I got the shock of my life. I printed out several of his emails (I had the presence of mind to realize I might need proof); I also figured out his password, since he uses the same one for everything. Funny enough, he has yelled at me because I vary passwords; he told me to keep the same one. Little did he know that that would provide me easy access; also ammunition, in case I have to take him to court. I don't like this hard side of me; it's almost as unknown as the man I found in those emails. He's been doing this for a year. How could I not have known?
I found emails setting up "dates" -- when he should have been looking for a second job. I work about 50 (sometimes, up to 80 hours) a week. He's been complaining about "doing everything", while playing with other men. I found pictures he's sent to other men "displaying his wares" -- I wouldn't brag if I were him. But, apparently, he's had takers.
I have been married for 24 years, with him for 31. I feel so betrayed and angry, frightened to death of the future, in mourning for my future life I envisioned -- I burst into tears without warning, am hanging on only with the support of my friends and my children, who, interestingly enough, have told me for years that "you know, Daddy's gay." Their friends (and some of mine) have said to me since this "you have such great 'gay-dar': how have you missed it?" I honestly had no idea. I feel like the biggest fool.
I look back over 31 years, and think that there were warning signs I missed -- I thought the worst thing to happen to me was incest as a child, then teenager. I was wrong. That was a walk on the beach compared to the misery that my marriage has become, more increasingly over the past 10+ years. I have wracked my brain and my soul over these years, trying to figure out why I am so miserable a failure as a wife, why I can't do anything right, walking on constant eggshells, afraid to "upset" him. This sets him off in a verbally denigrating, berating diatribe of my failures; he's blamed me for everything from the condition of the house to the "turning against him" of our children. Thankfully, our children are now 18 and 20, so custody issues are nonexistent.
He is extremely self-righteous about attending Mass -- interestingly enough, he apparently has hidden his sexual proclivities from everyone. I am harboring feelings of vengeance; I want to out him to the congregation: my Scorpio is hard to override in this.
I am in the process of obtaining a formal separation agreement from my lawyer (also one of my friends), and I want to be able to have all of the facts at my disposal before I sit him down. It won't be pretty. He will probably blame me, as always, and become vindictive. It is killing me to make him leave, but I see no way of salvaging this relationship. By entertaining men, he has also given me HSV 1 and 2, and that is unforgiveable. My children have told me "you deserve someone who will treat you right", so I know they are very supportive.
I do have outside interests -- my community theater involvement is my passion. He directly blames my involvement in this as a reason for our relationship to suffer "your theater has come between us". It is my relationship with my theater friends that is saving my life. I also have a good career as a nurse manager that has provided me a support network at work as well.
Thank you, thank you for being here. For the first time since I discovered the horror that my marriage and life has become, I am starting to feel hopeful about an "after life." I still feel that my chances for a romantic afterlife are just about nil.
I apologize for the length of this -- but I am so grateful that I am not alone. Bless you.
Sincerely, Theresa"
June 14, 2009
That was November 15, 2008. Hard to believe it's been 7 months since that letter -- so much in my life has changed. I'm writing back to you to let you know how GOOD life is now. If you want to share any of this in your newsletter, by all means, please do -- maybe it will help other wives of gay men.
As you know, I found out October 30th. All the details are above; I kept my secret through Thanksgiving (fortunately, it was a small dinner). I made it through Christmas (I had a hysterectomy on December 18th -- my children were with me, and my mother came to help out and stayed almost to the New Year. This helped, since they all knew the truth (how we all kept it a secret, I really don't know!) Christmas was awful as was New Year's Eve (I went out with friends, since he had to work -- a small blessing).
Every time I looked at him, all I could think of was, "You lying bastard. How can you go on like you're so innocent? Don't you feel any guilt? You son of a bitch!" It took all the strength I had not to tell him right out. I was working on my separation and property settlement agreement, and I wanted to have all of my pieces in place before I confronted him. For three months, I kept my silence. At times, I thought it would kill me. Every breath I took was painful – I had panic attacks at night, waking up gasping. He slept blissfully through it all. The first month I was devastated, the second angry and the third putting the final touches on my planning. I had to be so careful; losing his income had to be taken into account seriously; our daughter (age 18) was still living at home and in school. I had to consider more than myself; unlike my husband, who was willing to throw it all away.
Finally, finally, on February 1, 2009 at 2 pm, I walked in my front door and said "We need to talk". He snidely said "about what?" I told him to join me at the table by the door (he had been escalating in his anger, and I wasn't sure how he would react). I said "I know what you've been doing and I want a divorce." He then said, "I do, too." My reply? "Then let's talk business." I had the separation agreement in my hand all ready to sign (if he would; my best friend is a notary, and was waiting down the street with her stamp, just in case he agreed to sign the papers.) When I confronted him about his being "gay" -- I asked him if he knew he was gay when he married me and he said no. He also waffled over being "gay" -- "I guess I am". He also said to me, "I guess you've been screwing around" -- I told him "actually, I haven't. I've been faithful for 31 years; but apparently you haven't. Get yourself tested -- you gave me herpes." His response, "Oh." Oh, indeed. When I asked him whatever made him think that cheating on me was ok, he said "I wasn't getting it from you." Us women know that sex, for us, begins in the mind, by the way we're treated and made to feel, long before the actual physical act begins; he was clueless. For him "it was just sex; us men can do that." I told him, "So can women, but I honored my vows." He also told me that "I don't have any guilt about what I've been doing - you deserve everything you got" -- I was incredulous -- "including herpes?!" "Yeah, everything." I looked at him and, in that moment, knew why women killed their husbands. Fortunately, I had already decided that I was worth 100 of him and he wasn't worth the trouble.
By 2:06, I called my son's friend (who was down the street, ready to protect me; my son was out of state) and said, "no drama, we're reading the agreement." A short time later, all signed and notarized, we were legally separated. I couldn't believe it -- in the end, it was such a simple procedure! All of a sudden, I felt a HUGE burden lift from me, I took a deep breath and said "I'm free!" I left the house with friends and my daughter and went to celebrate, leaving him in the kitchen. Don’t get me wrong; I knew it was partially relief that it was out in the open, but after so many months of pain and fear, the relief was welcome.
We moved him out twelve days later (he was supposed to leave twenty days later, but he started ransacking the house every time I left, so I threw him out). It was ugly, hostile and nearly violent; it also removed any hope I had had of remaining friends or, at least, being civil to each other. Sadly, my children were with me. They knew, somehow, who he really was; I never saw it (or wouldn’t see it). As much as I was grateful for their support, it saddened me that they had to see the awful end to what had been so good long ago. My husband had been at odds with my son for years; my son told me that he kept his peace for me; my daughter has her own relationship with her father. So ended my former life. The same day he left, I had my son and his friends start to repaint my living room; with that beginning, "Project Refeathering My Nest" has been ongoing; I have been happily industrious and am enjoying the peace in my home and the freedom to rearrange and change my home to suit me and my daughter.
People keep telling me how good I look, how "radiant" and "have you lost weight?" I tell them "yes, I lost 250 lbs. of ugly attitude!" Life is different; sometimes a little harder. I kept the house, so now I've got all of the responsibilities to deal with alone. But I am so much happier now. Yes, I do miss being part of a couple and the husband I married so long ago. May 26th was my 25th wedding anniversary; I went on vacation with my children and celebrated my independence instead of my now defunct marriage. I am loving my freedom and the glory of being free from the critical, belittling and the overall mean and petty, angry man that my husband had become. I am free of the futile, numerous attempts I made to rekindle our intimacy, thinking that if I was better, more open, more accommodating, that he would be more loving and accepting of me. I'm free of the constant battle of trying to bury my needs and trying to fulfill his. Free of never, ever, being "good enough". When I found out about my husband, I was thinking "maybe I can live with this; maybe we can live as friends, maybe ..." I was trying so hard to live with his lie. But, thankfully, I had such wonderful people to support me, as I finally, painfully, decided to end my marriage. But it was the right decision -- of that, I have no doubt.
I’ve read letters from gay men on this website; I’ve read about their pain and uncertainty and all of the rest. Part of me wants to be sympathetic; perhaps I would have been, had I not been lied to and treated so shabbily. Had my husband been truly “a man” and sat me down, truly talked with me and not blamed me for “pushing him” into affairs with men, maybe I wouldn’t have been so shattered when I found out. For all my “failings,” I deserved (as we all do) much more than finding out from email. I’ve wished him dead more than once; the closure would have been much easier and the memories of the good years would have remained untainted. Now, almost every memory of my life with him is shadowed by “when did it start?” “Why didn’t I see the signs?”
This is my advice to anyone still living with this nightmare. Be fair to yourself! Go on those gay/bisexual websites and read those emails. These men are selfish, egocentric and arrogant -- they may not be totally happy with their situation, but they're satisfied to get their needs taken care of, whine about being unhappily married but enjoy all the rest of what "normal" married life is like. They rationalize their behavior to assure themselves that they're OK -- that they're not hurting anyone, that they're still "good husbands", so they have the "right" to do what they're doing. My husband complained constantly, but enjoyed my income. Get out of that hell and go on with your life. Take back the "real you"; not the "married you" you've become so that you can "keep him happy"; "keep the peace", etc. You'll NEVER make him happy! He doesn't want you, but he's too cowardly and self-serving to let you go. He doesn't even care if he brings home an STD and passes it to you -- I'm so angry that I was faithful for over 30 years and STILL got herpes. Their world is a sex-focused, self-serving, man-to-man "bonding" subculture of society that exists. These men are a slow-acting poison, making any relationship with them toxic; they're like leeches draining the life out of the women unfortunate enough to be married to them. They build themselves up, while ruining the very women they vowed "to love, honor and cherish". Cherish? Like hell. Too harsh an indictment? I don't think so.
Bonnie, thank you so much for all that you do. I never thought I would survive the upheaval and pain, but I did. I never thought life could be so good, but it is. I never knew how strong I was until I freed myself from the imprisoning life sentence my marriage had become. Now, I'm even ready to go out and date again, make new friends and maybe find someone who'll appreciate the person I've become. Thank you, thank you for validating the strong, resourceful, valuable "me" that still remained deep inside; I'm joyous to be back, whole, powerful. To my sisters: there truly is a wonderful life waiting for you; it'll be better, because, just being yourself, you will be "enough."
Theresa
Dear Bonnie,
“There is a certain prototype that gay men look for in a wife when there may be problems down the road. That’s why you rarely see a straight wife seeking total revenge on her gay husband. In some cases, it does happen, but for the most part, we are women who love too much, too hard, feel too bad about our husbands’ pain, feel guilty even when our head tells us it has nothing to do with us, and continue to want to protect our husbands even when they are out there and not protecting us. “
Ladies when I read Bonnie’s May newsletter I did not know whether to laugh, scream, or cry so I did all of the above. You see what she said in that quote was so true,. And yes, Gay, it is Gay.
I joined this group two years ago when a man I was madly in love with told me over dinner how he wasn’t gay but his boyfriends are. He was serious! I wish I could have used that line Gay, it is gay to explain to him that when you sleep with men you have won the homosexual Triple Crown. He could not understand why this was not welcome news and why I wanted him out of my life immediately. That lead to the second phase of shock and awe on my part.
The icing on the cake is I went on line to meet someone three months ago after a few years of being shell shock and leery as you can imagine. The site was recommended by a family-oriented morning show and hosts I trust.
The gentleman picked me and we clicked instantly. I corresponded with him for about a month and then had wonderful telephone calls. I could never arrange my schedule to meet him but I finally planned for the Memorial Day weekend to be the time.
Then he dropped the “G” nuclear bomb the night before I was supposed to meet him in person. First he asked if I had ever been with a woman, At that point my radar kicked in because the one two years ago accused me of being gay when I suggested one night after dinner that we go to a “gay” area for coffee. Hell, neither of us had a car and it was the only place Metro accessible. I asked him if he was gay in return and he acted as if I asked him if he ate his young.
Back to the future, Internet lover then said he slept with men! I gave him points for honesty but the room rocked.
I did not handle it well with the first gentleman two years ago—I cursed him vigorously for about half a mile as we walked home from the restaurant.
Obviously the professional counseling degree and church reconciliation classes are kicking in. I told him I was not going to judge him for what he did in the past because it was not my right. I decided to try to talk him down from the heterosexual ledge and encourage him to embrace his true sexuality like I did with the first one.
He is from a culture where this is taboo and anathema. His mother is in town from overseas and I began to think I was in an Indian version of “The Wedding Banquet,” the film where the gay man marries a woman to avoid telling his parents he is gay. As if parents don’t have eyes to see and ears to hear. Momma probably knows.
In any event, he retracted it later and said he only said it because he wanted to see if I would sleep with him if he said he slept with other men. I suppose he forgot that he had also asked me if I would be interested in a ménage a trios with another man. Ladies, this is not what I call courtship behavior of a straight man!
Gay is not an aphrodisiac for straight women.
It was late at night and he works on Wall Street, so he must have been at happy hour too long and short term memory was impaired. Mine wasn’t. I remembered what he said. Counseling classes teach you to attend. Okay, this is denial taken to a dangerously deep level!
On a positive note, I can see how this group and the support of others have helped me. I am not devastated as I was before and I did not lose my religion by calling him out of his family name. I simply said Adios
I was trying to figure out what I did to attract another one of these mentally disassociated people when this Newsletter came in the mail.
So thank you Bonnie. I see that I am a woman who is too kind, too compassionate, too loving, and too forgiving. In other words, they seek the best women for the worst treatment.
Oh, and guess what internet guy. You are gay, it’s gay!
Anon.
Hi Bonnie,
Your June newsletter somehow seemed rather sugar coated to me.
Most of us did not have these experiences, and I believe some of these men are skipping over a very important part of "their process"--like the truth. The man who had sex with many men before he married his wife -- did he inform her of this before the marriage or did this part of the truth not seem important to him? Did he even consider that she deserved that "little bit of truth"? No. He just married her to fit in. She never had the chance to choose whether she wanted to marry a man who liked having sex with men. It was his decision to lead her blindly into this "marriage." I have no sympathy for him.
Also, I feel many of these men are skipping over the cheating during the marriage. I think they see it as "being true to themselves" and not as cheating on their wives, not to mention that they potentially exposed their wives to life threatening sexual transmitted diseases.
Sorry, I just found it really hard to read these sugar coated stories. Too much of the woman's pain was ignored. But, too many times, that is par for the course as far as they are concerned. It's all about the poor gay man, while the wife is left to pick up the pieces of her life.
And so it goes...
J.
Dear Bonnie,
I read this month’s letter but what about the women like me who were tricked by a man into a gay marriage in which he knew exactly who he was and what kind of a life I was in for? My husband withdrew all sex and affection beginning on the honeymoon and had a regular sex life with men throughout the marriage. He used me as a beard and to improve his standard of living there was no love on his side it was a con job. I was wife number five. He spent the whole marriage trying to convince me that the life we led of no sex or affection was normal, that I was unworthy of love and it was unreasonable of me to expect him to want to have sex with me or show me affection since I was such a bad person. Once when I asked him about his refusal to have a normal relationship with me he said that if I gave him complete access to all of my money he might feel like having sex with me. This man nearly destroyed me. I would like to hear more abut this kind of predator.
Thanks
Marilyn
Dear Bonnie,
I had thought I was dealing with what happened to me, until I read the self justification of gay husbands in your June newsletter.
I truly believe that no one has a choice about whether they are gay - that this is somehow built in and cannot be changed or altered. But everyone does have a choice about how they live their lives, and the same standards of decency and honesty apply to gays as well as straights. No one has a right to harm others and then whine about how they can't help it. No one has the right to cheat and lie and steal years of a woman's life, then wring his hands and whimper about his pain. Was your pain great enough to make you change your life? MINE WAS!
Kay A.
BTW, Kay lives in Sioux City, South Dakota. If there are any other women in this area who would like to get together for support, please let me know and I’ll refer you to Kay.
Bonnie,
That was very interesting, but somewhat hard to read. It is only hard because I still don't know if my husband is in denial or not. I am weighing my options anyway because he is not good at loving me and the girls in the way we need (because sometimes I feel like he uses our marriage problems to be less of a dad at times...like when he's out of town for work and doesn't call for days or weeks or is unaccountable by not answering our calls...he has told me he doesn't want to call because he doesn't want to talk to me...this is just stuff from the past....he's been around a lot and better at this when he has been away, yet his job is ready to take him away a lot again).
So I am planning. I have finally come to a point that I’ve realized my love is not enough for both of us. (oh, he says he loves me and shows it in his own ways...yet at the same time he is so hurtful and negative about me....). maybe it helps that i had to do the same with my mom a few years back because she is a lot like him....cares more about being right than anything else. He has so much anger, i don't know where it comes from.
I still don't feel like there is any excuse to lie. I feel like even if a man has lied 399 times, then start telling the truth the 400th time. The past lies don't make it okay the next time. The man can never start to gain respect from his wife and children unless he starts somewhere. I’m not saying it would be easy at first and I wouldn’t react or get cold toward him. But the sooner he told the truth, the sooner I could go through the cycles of loss and just get to a better place. Right now i just have intense loneliness. I know things are not right. My heart aches....he has hurt me so many times worse than any break up I’ve ever had in my dating years. This is the father of my children and his lack of love and intimacy and acceptance hurts me to the core. Sometimes I have wailed (how else can I say it...it is a cry of agony that comes from pain so deep inside...a mother's cry for a child lost or in trouble)...all alone because his actions and words are so heartless and just break me down (and I cry for my children, their father that I chose, me...their
mother, and this family. This hurts way worse because of my desires and hopes for my girls...and I feel like he's cheating them when he cheats me.)
This hurt is also from the lack of support he gives me as a person....I don't want only the financial; I want him to want to take care of me as a man could. Believe me it's the last thing I want to hear that he's gay. But this little feeling I always get that he might be is so much more painful. If I knew this were the reason he isn't loving and intimate towards me in the way I know exists....then it would give a reason for everything. It's not what I want...but it's just like someone avoiding going to the doctor's when they know they are dying...they can feel it and/or they can see the signs, yet it doesn't change that they need to face it. They can't stop themselves from dying by denying it's happening.
I am making plans to put myself first so I can show my girls how strong I am and how much I love them and that being a woman doesn't have to be demeaning....not because he's told me the truth, but because I have just hit that point where he can't do this to me anymore. I don't want our girls to think of me as I am in this relationship. I’m tired of being labeled as if I’m one with him....like I’m just as sick and hateful....like I just "love fighting" as he puts it. I feel darned if I do and darned if I don't with him. I’ve reached the point I’m going to stop fighting for us...because it is useless. I’m done talking, and I’m done caring. I’m done trying to explain my feelings to him in millions of different ways in hopes of him "getting it."
I’m done initiating sex (it finally got past the begging stage...not sure if he's just doing that to pacify me.) I do love him as only a wife of this long could, but I’m realizing that it's okay to love him, and still put myself and therefore my girls first and just take care of us. I’ve tried to work on this marriage, it seemed to get better, but it really never will.
If he never tells me the truth and I find out some other way...which I will...the truth almost always comes out eventually....I don't think I could ever go through those cycles of loss and begin to find acceptance. Because I would always know that he was not a man to tell the truth to me and for the girls. I would know that, as usual, he put his own need to avoid personal pain or reactions from others over being man enough and caring enough to put us first. As one of your gay ex-husbands said in the letter....the only way to be a role model to his kids was to start being true to himself. The lies in the past will not be made right, yet he is being a person of honor from that day forward. And that would be a start.
And I know there's a possibility he may not be gay...he may just be a confused soul who is selfish and not good for me. It is not enough to have somebody love me only to pacify me. That is not what I have given, and I’m ready to open my heart up to friends and loved ones who are more like me. When my time is being eaten away by a user, I am passing by true love and friendship, the kind we all need to get us through and make the burdens of life a little more bearable!
I can never forgive him unless we start moving forward, someway...making changes....honesty...which i know i may never get...so I have to make my own life.
One more thing....I don't think he cares that I’ve had this pain...not one bit. He knows about the tip of the iceberg of the pain he's caused. And he makes it clear that I’m just playing the world's tiniest violin. He makes it impossible for me to ever even touch on just how I feel. I know that's defensiveness because of his shame and he has a hard time wanting to deal with how his actions have affected other people. which is funny how his actions always end up affecting me and the girls the hardest...yet he's always so busy worrying about his own self inflicted wounds.
Mother and human being with value."
Well ladies, thanks for sharing your feedback. Please feel free to respond to any of our letters or issues. If you would like to have your letter republished, I will contact you and you can sign it however you like.
Have a good month!
With love and hope,
Bonnie
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Gay Fathers Speak Out
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
June 2009 Volume 8, Issue 96
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other
Dear Readers,
First, let me thank you for the overwhelming number of letters from the May newsletter. The response was overwhelming with kind words from around the world. I’m glad I was able to connect with so many of you to bring a sense of reality into your situations.
This month I have dedicated this newsletter to gay husbands/ex-husbands who support our efforts and through this newsletter. This is the first time I am doing this, and I would like to explain why.
I think it’s important for women who have married gay men to understand where these men are coming from. So many of you question what was real in your marriage; others wonder if your marriage was all a lie. Some women are still blaming themselves for their husbands’ homosexuality thinking that in some small or big way, they had some influence in this situation. Some of you have horrible ex-husbands who keep telling you that this is your fault, manipulating those emotional buttons to the limit.
When we are in the midst of living through the nightmare, it is easy to lose perspective and only see things from one point of view—namely ours. And quite honestly, I do feel that our side is usually the right side for us—the women. However, I stick by my words that in almost all cases, these men loved us, hoped to be good husbands to us, and believed they could live happily ever “straight.” For many of us, the beginning of the marriage was real. It’s the years ahead that became like Alice in Wonderland—topsy turvey through a distorted mirror. It’s hard for us to understand how men who proclaimed to love us were willing to “throw it away” for sex with a man.
As much as I say that homosexuality is not just about sex, it’s hard for women in pain to accept this. For that reason, I have asked some of the men who support us, this newsletter, my writing, and your pain to write something that will hopefully explain things that will help you understand things better.
Dear Bonnie and Readers:
In 1909, Sonora Smart Dodd of Spokane, WA invented Father’s Day to honor her father, William Smart. William, a Civil War Veteran, raised Sonora and her 5 siblings after their mother died in childbirth with the couple’s 6th child. Sonora wanted him to know how grateful she was for the sacrifices he made. Since her Dad was born in June, she chose to hold the first Father’s Day celebration on June 19th, 1910. It took several years before Father’s Day gained wide support but finally, in 1956, a joint resolution of Congress made Father’s Day official in the United States. In 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day and in 1972 President Richard Nixon made Father’s Day a National Holiday.
But just what is a father today? The role of father in American culture has greatly evolved since Sonora honored her father. In 1910 the role of the father was to be the family CEO – the ultimate family authority, disciplinarian, and comptroller. He played an important role in teaching masculine skills to his sons and provided protection and guidance to his daughters. However, our culture evolved and so did the role of father. Men went off to war leaving their wives to raise the children and run the household even as they staffed the assembly lines in the factories. Through WWI, WWII, Korea, and Viet Nam men were drafted and families learned to function without Dad. Then came the pop psychology culture of the 1970’s. Zen, EST, encounter groups, and an explosion of do-it-yourself pop psychology self-help books ushered in a seismic shift in our culture. Fathers became less central to the family. Instead we learned to nurture ourselves.
Sylvia Ann Hewlett and Cornel West wrote The War Against Parents and expressed their belief that pop psychology has been detrimental to the parental-child relationships. They wrote "..in its more watered-down, popularized forms, psychology can be extremely damaging, particularly to the parental role and function. At the heart of the matter is the fact that in our increasingly therapeutic culture, external obligations, whether to parents, children, or community, are minimized, because they interfere with a person's capacity for self-love and self-realization." The result, according to these authors, is that pop psychology encouraged an individual ethic that placed self-fulfillment above others such as public service, family or other important causes.
Pop psychology oversimplifies the message. Helen Reddy’s song “I Am Woman” convinced us all that women are super human. “I am invincible,” she sang. Husbands and fathers became the spare parent – no longer essential to the family. But as a result, young men looked to street gangs to provide male role models and development of their nurturing and parenting ‘skills’. We have also seen a tremendous increase in teen pregnancy and single Moms as an increasing number of daughters grew up in fatherless households. But in general, fathers did not have the same legal rights or equal access to their children. Until very recently co-custody was uncommon and the courts simply did not enforce visitation for the father. Fortunately that is beginning to change.
But the loss of contact with my own children did not occur simply because the courts refused to enforce visitation, nor did they fall victim to pop psychology. It would be easy to blame it all on the court, but the fact is that the court simply distilled and codified all the homophobic guilt and shame I felt about myself, and the betrayal, rage and resentment my wife felt when I admitted I was gay and could never change. Before we separated, I doted on my kids. My son was my shadow. I could not keep him out of my tools so we invested in a tool set just for him. We built projects together or sometimes we put model planes and ships together. We explored hardware departments and Do-it-yourself manuals and blueprints. My daughter was my Princess. Perhaps it was my gay brain that enabled me to style and curl her blond locks before school, or pick out her stylish clothes. Whatever it was, it had photographers and model agencies actively encouraging her to do modeling. But all that ended when my wife and I separated.
In a war of angry words, my wife made it clear that our son needed “a real man” for a role model, so she enlisted the aid of Big Brother to provide the masculine leadership that I could not possibly provide him since I was gay – and lousy at sports. And in my own internalized homophobia and self shame, I walked away from that fight. I gave up and made myself the disposable parent. How could I compete with a ‘real’ man?
But is that really what makes a Dad? Is there some kind of certification program that one passes which tests men on things like team sports knowledge before certifying them as a ‘real’ man and effective role model? Is being heterosexual a prerequisite for that course or certification program? Our culture assures us that Mothers are essential for healthy childhood development, but why do we need Fathers and what skills and experience are required for this position?
Social scientists tell us that children are strongly influenced by observing their parents working together to solve problems and provide support for their children. Rigid roles such as who cooks, who cleans, or who mows the lawn or plays handball are unimportant. What is important is that their kids learn from the way in which matters are discussed and decisions are made. Children who have two active parents see an adult world and the interaction between parents. It teaches them how to have a relationship. It teaches them how to one day be a parent to their own children.
The traditional role fathers play in their children’s life is that of breadwinner and provider of the basic necessities of food, shelter and clothing. But fathers (even gay ones) are also seen as providing protection for their daughters and a role model for their sons. However, it is the role the father plays as one half of the parental partnership that is undoubtedly the most important. Even when a marriage dissolves, it is imperative that Dads stay active and involved with their sons and daughters. So I salute the Dads who find creative ways to stay involved with their children and who refuse to walk away.
Doug
Dear Bonnie:
To say the least May’s newsletter was a very interesting one and Bonnie you made your point quite clear.
As a gay man, married and with a child I can relate to the pain and mental suffering that each and every one of you has gone through and continue to go through, all the questions that roll through each and every one of your minds, everyday, “why did this happen”, “how did this happen”, and most importantly, “why to me”?
I believe that my wife asks herself those questions every minute of the day and even with help from professionals is still in denial of the whole situation. In one of my previous responses I mentioned that when two people get married they marry for Love, with the hopes of having a family, for a life time commitment.
When I finally realized myself who I was it was too late to go back in time and undo what had happened. Realistically I do not think that any gay man who marries is out to harm or hurt his wife in any way. From my own experience I did marry for Love, but at that time I was in denial of who and what I was and took many years to finally realize the truth about myself. The woman I married is a wonderful and loving person who till this day even after what has happened still professes her love for me, has forgiven me but does not change my make up or needs. Many people still ask me if I still Love her, honestly yes I do, she is the woman I fell in Love with and married, she is my best friend in life, but can I offer her that type of Love that marriage is supposed to, no I can’t. This has been the case for many years now and it is the stereotypical story about a gay man marrying.
I have been psychoanalyzed and the result has been the same of what I believed within myself for many years now. Truthfully, it’s me that was in denial of my own being right from the start. I really do not think that any women who is married or been married to a gay man realized just how much anguish and mental suffering each man goes through and how much courage and strength it does take to finally tell their partner the truth.
When my wife found out about me and I had to tell her about me, my heart was broken into a million pieces and truthfully I was scared. I was not scared about me, but scared about what I had done to her and what it would do to her for life. I was afraid of what this would mean for our child, his well being and life long ramifications. For many months now I have been beating my head against the wall thinking of what it is that I accomplished from getting married and living the lie for so many years? Some questions I can answer some I still cannot. Like many other men out there in this situation we have gained the utmost love from a wonderful woman, the respect and trust from her family, we have become fathers and the though of loosing all this is so very frightening.
Most of you must be thinking what a selfish attitude, but with all that is written on the subject, there is very little on the subject of the other side’s feelings. Believe me when I say that my suffering during all this has me just as in much pain as you many women out there. I know that what I and many other men out there did is not fair, nor justifiable to you women.
When Bonnie says that it’s not your fault believe her when she says that. You had no way of knowing what was to happen in the future. From the man’s side of things neither did I. Many of us men who married with hopes of having a normal life, we could not predict the outcome either.
As a father and husband I will not abandon my family, they will always have my support and love, this is the commitment I made to them as a father and husband. Should my wife choose not then so be it. Selfish no, realistic yes. Many of you ladies have become dependent on your husband and probably the most difficult thing that you must come to grips with is the independency factor. Your self esteem has been destroyed and it’s up to you to build that up again.
With Fathers day coming up, it will be hard for all of us, just like any other family holiday.
All the best to each and every one of you, and to you Bonnie, God bless you in all the help and good words you offer so many women out there to find themselves again. To all us men out there who really hurt from our situations, be strong not only for yourself but for your families.
Joe
Dear Bonnie:
“Honey I’m Gay” a phrase that is very difficult to listen to and accept and just as hard to say. When I had to say them to the only woman I ever loved in a romantic way they just about killed me. I had been married for 16 years 14 of, which were wonderful. We were married a total of 18 years and though I didn’t realize it at the time she was my sole mate. We shared the same dreams, hopes and expectations. Except for one. I kept that nightmare to myself.
As opposed to other men in my position I never strayed. Not because I wasn’t tempted or I didn’t have the opportunity but because I was so afraid of what it would cost me. I loved my wife and my sons they were the center of my life. I told myself that my “deviant” sexual desires were not to be allowed.
After 14 years of marriage life through us a curve, my wife’s father was diagnosed with a fatal heart disease and we were told he had little more than six months to live. My wife who was an only child felt it was best to move back home away from all our friends and closer to her family. She wanted to support her mom when the time came. I was not as willing but thought it was something I had to do for her. That move brought on a series of events that turned all of our lives upside down. My wife dedicated herself to her parents and parenting our children and I looked on as my place in the picture was taken on by her immediate and extended family. In fact I felt like I was just another face in the crowd. I never told her how I felt, instead I tried to adjust and found some refuge in a challenging job and my sons.
The feelings of alienation had been growing for about six months then when I was at my weakest moment as I drove my sons to school I saw a pair of beautiful eyes that were in the face of a beautiful young man. I had never seen him before on the road and thought it was a fluke something that would never happen again. Well I was wrong it happened for 14 days in a row. Finally one day as I was driving to work, from the school I saw the young man and he winked at me! To make a long story short I fell for the young man hook line and sinker.
The next 18 months of my life were a mixture of guilt, anger, pain and lies. My wife finally confronted me and I asked for a separation because I truly did not know what was going on inside me. Don’t misunderstand--when I was in college I had plenty of sex with men of all ages sizes and types; however, when I got married I put that all behind me and kept myself for my wife. Our sex life was not good by any stretch of the imagination but we were content, busy, and I above all was in denial. Now all of the feelings I had repressed for so long came out and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
My wife and I had high profile jobs and we were well known. I had to do something and what I did was move back to the city we had lived in before we moved back home alone. There I was safe if nothing else due to the sheer number of people. The young man called me almost every day telling me how much he missed me and how much he wanted me. My wife in her pain let me be. It was very painful to call and have to say hi and ask to speak to the boys. It was even more awkward when I went back to visit them. Being a gracious lady and a wonderful person she allowed me to stay at her house. I’m sure she would have preferred to see me on the streets or dead but for the sake of the children she put up with me. She never made me feel unwanted or unwelcome--I did that all by myself. It was a painful time for use both.
Unfortunately because of the pain and confusion I was going through, I didn’t recognize how much she hurt. That is not an excuse--only a statement of fact. My ex-wife passed away due to metastatic breast cancer about 2 years after our divorce was final. I was with her as much as work and my obligations allowed me to be, and I took charge of making all of the arrangements. My sons came to live with me and we tried to put together our broken family as well as we could. I explained to them why there mother and I divorced and my lifestyle, and to my delighted surprise and their mother’s credit, they didn’t even bat an eyelash.
My oldest is on his own now and my youngest still lives with me. We have never been as close as we were when I was married and they were young children. However, they know how much I love them and that I will do anything in my power to help them and keep them safe. As for their mom she is always in my prayers and in my heart she truly was a wonderful woman.
To all the men reading this I ask you if you have taken into account the pain you are causing your wife by lying to her and denying her the opportunity to be truly happy someday? To the women reading this I put the following questions. Have you ever done something that you are deeply ashamed of something you can’t even truly justify to yourself? A thing that you were told all your life was bad? Have you ever had to fight back the feeling of intense panic the grips your heart when you realize that you are doing something that will ruin your life? Yet you risk it all because you truly have no choice? That is what most gay married men go through every day. Once he realizes that no matter how hard he tries, he will never be able to keep those desires under control and it only gets worse with age.
M.A.
Dear Bonnie,
Three years ago in June, I made a radical change in my life. I came out to my wife and ultimately about all of my closest friends, family members and co-workers. My truth was life altering for myself, my young children, my wife and my extended family. I thought having to suffer through the death of my Father was incredibly difficult. I soon realized that death could not compete with what my family and I were to endure through the process of me acknowledging that I am gay … and destructive nature of divorce.
My story is so similar, to so many you and I have heard about, read about or lived … that it barely needs more than a few sentences here. I knew since about the time that I was in my early teens that something was “different” about me, compared to my male friends. However, I had convinced myself that different was fine and that I def. wanted to and could, live the life that my very conservative old New England family instilled in me. By the time I was 30 I had everything I thought I had ever wanted; a beautiful and smart wife, a great job and fine country home. I even had a golden retriever.
By the time I was 38 I had all of that and two beautiful children, too. And can you believe it … I was not happy? I thought I was going out of my mind. How could I have everything and still not be happy. The deeper I looked at myself, the clearer my answer became. Those nagging thoughts about what made me think I was different became more evident. Could it be that my preoccupation with how men looked was more than just me comparing myself with them? Could it be more like me longing to be with a man on an intimate level? It was more and more evident, that stereo types about gay men applied to me. And it was becoming increasingly more difficult to always watch how I expressed myself, how little I cared about football, baseball, basketball, etc. And biggest of all … how difficult it had become to keep my eyes focused away from the hot guy that see in the grocery store or walking down the street … fearful that my wife or someone else would notice.
For years my mother and sister and others would say … you don’t seem very happy. What’s wrong? My pat answer would always be … I’m tired. Well … I was tried because I had for years and years and years been trying in vain to suppress who I was … in order to become who I wasn’t … so to fulfill ideas established by my family and society. I wanted so desperately to fit in … to be accepted and loved. Denial is an incredibly strong resource. Denial can be a good thing … in small doses. I my case … denial was slowly killing me.
Coming out to my wife was of course the hardest thing I had to do in the process. My wife was in complete shock. Shock turned to sadness and then anger. Three years later … I still some anger and sadness but thankfully I’m now seeing more and more acceptance. Two days after I came out to my wife, I had to explain to my children that the love I had for their mother had changed and was not strong enough for us to stay together. My oldest child curled up in my lap and sobbed and I quite simply wanted to die!
Six months prior to coming out to my wife I had finally accepted that I am in fact, gay. Once I accepted that fact I found a therapist and started working with him on what I should do with my new identity. Should I continue to deny myself and live my current life until my children went off to college? Or should I lead a double life behind my wives back? Or should I finally be true to myself and those around me? I obviously chose the latter … given the facts, I believed my wife deserved to be with a person who could love her and be with her the way she deserved a spouse should be. The fact that she deserved to be happy and to know that the end of our marriage had nothing to do with her! And given the fact that how could I try to teach my children to lead an authentic life if I myself could not lead one. And given the fact that I was simply so tired of suppressing “myself” from the world that I felt I might truly make myself ill due to my lying about who I truly am.
Three years ago … just before I came out … I was scared to death of what chances were to lie ahead. But one morning I literally woke up and it occurred to me that the life I was living had been much less of a life than what I thought anyone should accept. And if when I came out, that the only things I had left where my truth and my daughters, I could begin to lead a much happier life.
To my great surprise and relief, I receive a huge amount of love and support from every last friend; co-worker and family member (save two and course my wife). Within two weeks, I had come out to nearly 30 people and almost the exact words came from each one; you are a great person … compassionate, loving and kind. If you believe you are doing the right thing for you and your family … we support you.
On the contrary, my wife was very angry and talked to me very little. Within 10 days, she called me to tell me she was serving me with divorce papers. She had asked me to move out of our house almost immediately. Prior to this time, I had always played a major role in the caring and giving to our two children. Suddenly, my wife wanted to control my time and access to our daughters. I was going along with her wishes, hoping that if I gave her some control on that end, she would feel better. That plan did not work in my favor. The more control I gave up the more she grabbed for. I understood her reactions to a degree but it was very painful to live through. But I knew what she was having to endure was just as painful. It took the two of us and our two attorneys and a two hour meeting to get to me more access. I took to sending cards to my children everyday … since some days when I called home, my wife would not answer the phone.
When my wife and I first separated, I told her I would continue taking care of all the finical responsibilities … just as I had been doing (since my wife had not worked since the birth of our second child, three years prior). And even though I was not living at our house any more, I told my wife I would continue to mow the lawn each week and clean the pool. Each week I did what I said. Each week I would leave flowers from the garden in the girls’ rooms … a little reminder that I had been there and was thinking about them. I read the books about having as good of a divorce as possible. I continued to see a therapist. I was always at the house to pick up our daughters when I said I was going to be … never late for pick up or drop off. I was determined to show my wife, that even though I could no longer be her husband in “normal” terms … I would never, not be there for her and never stop taking care of my responsibilities to her or our children.
The first year of separation was the worst. I felt like I could not be the Dad I wanted to be. I felt like a stranger at my own house. I could not understand why my wife and I could not communicate better. I felt scared, not knowing what the final outcome of the divorce would be; where would we live, how would we figure out a co-parenting schedule, how could I help my daughters understand how and why this happened … and on and on and on.
My daughters are my world. Nothing is more important to me. I have done my very best to show them consistent love and support. My parenting schedule with them is nearly 50%. I’m hoping someday soon it will be completely 50/50. Knowing it’s in the best interest of our children to have equal access to both parents. I know the girls friends. I know their teachers. I go into their classrooms to help out. The girls know my friends. I managed to keep the house that they have lived in since they were born. My daughters have been slowly (over a two year period) introduced to the man of my life … whom I’m marrying this summer. We are all very much becoming a family and it’s great. I hope that some day, my ex-wife understands that one of the reasons I chose the man I did, to spend the rest of my life with … was because he loves our daughters so very much. And they are loving him right back.
In the last two weeks there has been another dramatic shift. My ex-wife and I have gotten together for two intense and emotional conversations. We have both been able to hear thing; feelings, concerns, thoughts … about each other which I guess we are now finally ready to hear. We are both ready for closure. We are both ready to work on becoming friends again. We are both ready to work on co-parenting our children the way they need us too. I have never been happier in my life! It’s taken three years to get to this point … but I finally believe we are on our way.
D.
I want to thank our men for sharing their feelings with us. It proves that these are very complicated situations with no easy, and in many cases, happy solutions. We all go through life trying to make sense out of something that is so hard to understand. Hopefully the words of our men will help you understand a little more clearly.
If you have comments or questions, please feel free to send them to me.
With love and hope, Bonnie Kaye
June 2009 Volume 8, Issue 96
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other
Dear Readers,
First, let me thank you for the overwhelming number of letters from the May newsletter. The response was overwhelming with kind words from around the world. I’m glad I was able to connect with so many of you to bring a sense of reality into your situations.
This month I have dedicated this newsletter to gay husbands/ex-husbands who support our efforts and through this newsletter. This is the first time I am doing this, and I would like to explain why.
I think it’s important for women who have married gay men to understand where these men are coming from. So many of you question what was real in your marriage; others wonder if your marriage was all a lie. Some women are still blaming themselves for their husbands’ homosexuality thinking that in some small or big way, they had some influence in this situation. Some of you have horrible ex-husbands who keep telling you that this is your fault, manipulating those emotional buttons to the limit.
When we are in the midst of living through the nightmare, it is easy to lose perspective and only see things from one point of view—namely ours. And quite honestly, I do feel that our side is usually the right side for us—the women. However, I stick by my words that in almost all cases, these men loved us, hoped to be good husbands to us, and believed they could live happily ever “straight.” For many of us, the beginning of the marriage was real. It’s the years ahead that became like Alice in Wonderland—topsy turvey through a distorted mirror. It’s hard for us to understand how men who proclaimed to love us were willing to “throw it away” for sex with a man.
As much as I say that homosexuality is not just about sex, it’s hard for women in pain to accept this. For that reason, I have asked some of the men who support us, this newsletter, my writing, and your pain to write something that will hopefully explain things that will help you understand things better.
Dear Bonnie and Readers:
In 1909, Sonora Smart Dodd of Spokane, WA invented Father’s Day to honor her father, William Smart. William, a Civil War Veteran, raised Sonora and her 5 siblings after their mother died in childbirth with the couple’s 6th child. Sonora wanted him to know how grateful she was for the sacrifices he made. Since her Dad was born in June, she chose to hold the first Father’s Day celebration on June 19th, 1910. It took several years before Father’s Day gained wide support but finally, in 1956, a joint resolution of Congress made Father’s Day official in the United States. In 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day and in 1972 President Richard Nixon made Father’s Day a National Holiday.
But just what is a father today? The role of father in American culture has greatly evolved since Sonora honored her father. In 1910 the role of the father was to be the family CEO – the ultimate family authority, disciplinarian, and comptroller. He played an important role in teaching masculine skills to his sons and provided protection and guidance to his daughters. However, our culture evolved and so did the role of father. Men went off to war leaving their wives to raise the children and run the household even as they staffed the assembly lines in the factories. Through WWI, WWII, Korea, and Viet Nam men were drafted and families learned to function without Dad. Then came the pop psychology culture of the 1970’s. Zen, EST, encounter groups, and an explosion of do-it-yourself pop psychology self-help books ushered in a seismic shift in our culture. Fathers became less central to the family. Instead we learned to nurture ourselves.
Sylvia Ann Hewlett and Cornel West wrote The War Against Parents and expressed their belief that pop psychology has been detrimental to the parental-child relationships. They wrote "..in its more watered-down, popularized forms, psychology can be extremely damaging, particularly to the parental role and function. At the heart of the matter is the fact that in our increasingly therapeutic culture, external obligations, whether to parents, children, or community, are minimized, because they interfere with a person's capacity for self-love and self-realization." The result, according to these authors, is that pop psychology encouraged an individual ethic that placed self-fulfillment above others such as public service, family or other important causes.
Pop psychology oversimplifies the message. Helen Reddy’s song “I Am Woman” convinced us all that women are super human. “I am invincible,” she sang. Husbands and fathers became the spare parent – no longer essential to the family. But as a result, young men looked to street gangs to provide male role models and development of their nurturing and parenting ‘skills’. We have also seen a tremendous increase in teen pregnancy and single Moms as an increasing number of daughters grew up in fatherless households. But in general, fathers did not have the same legal rights or equal access to their children. Until very recently co-custody was uncommon and the courts simply did not enforce visitation for the father. Fortunately that is beginning to change.
But the loss of contact with my own children did not occur simply because the courts refused to enforce visitation, nor did they fall victim to pop psychology. It would be easy to blame it all on the court, but the fact is that the court simply distilled and codified all the homophobic guilt and shame I felt about myself, and the betrayal, rage and resentment my wife felt when I admitted I was gay and could never change. Before we separated, I doted on my kids. My son was my shadow. I could not keep him out of my tools so we invested in a tool set just for him. We built projects together or sometimes we put model planes and ships together. We explored hardware departments and Do-it-yourself manuals and blueprints. My daughter was my Princess. Perhaps it was my gay brain that enabled me to style and curl her blond locks before school, or pick out her stylish clothes. Whatever it was, it had photographers and model agencies actively encouraging her to do modeling. But all that ended when my wife and I separated.
In a war of angry words, my wife made it clear that our son needed “a real man” for a role model, so she enlisted the aid of Big Brother to provide the masculine leadership that I could not possibly provide him since I was gay – and lousy at sports. And in my own internalized homophobia and self shame, I walked away from that fight. I gave up and made myself the disposable parent. How could I compete with a ‘real’ man?
But is that really what makes a Dad? Is there some kind of certification program that one passes which tests men on things like team sports knowledge before certifying them as a ‘real’ man and effective role model? Is being heterosexual a prerequisite for that course or certification program? Our culture assures us that Mothers are essential for healthy childhood development, but why do we need Fathers and what skills and experience are required for this position?
Social scientists tell us that children are strongly influenced by observing their parents working together to solve problems and provide support for their children. Rigid roles such as who cooks, who cleans, or who mows the lawn or plays handball are unimportant. What is important is that their kids learn from the way in which matters are discussed and decisions are made. Children who have two active parents see an adult world and the interaction between parents. It teaches them how to have a relationship. It teaches them how to one day be a parent to their own children.
The traditional role fathers play in their children’s life is that of breadwinner and provider of the basic necessities of food, shelter and clothing. But fathers (even gay ones) are also seen as providing protection for their daughters and a role model for their sons. However, it is the role the father plays as one half of the parental partnership that is undoubtedly the most important. Even when a marriage dissolves, it is imperative that Dads stay active and involved with their sons and daughters. So I salute the Dads who find creative ways to stay involved with their children and who refuse to walk away.
Doug
Dear Bonnie:
To say the least May’s newsletter was a very interesting one and Bonnie you made your point quite clear.
As a gay man, married and with a child I can relate to the pain and mental suffering that each and every one of you has gone through and continue to go through, all the questions that roll through each and every one of your minds, everyday, “why did this happen”, “how did this happen”, and most importantly, “why to me”?
I believe that my wife asks herself those questions every minute of the day and even with help from professionals is still in denial of the whole situation. In one of my previous responses I mentioned that when two people get married they marry for Love, with the hopes of having a family, for a life time commitment.
When I finally realized myself who I was it was too late to go back in time and undo what had happened. Realistically I do not think that any gay man who marries is out to harm or hurt his wife in any way. From my own experience I did marry for Love, but at that time I was in denial of who and what I was and took many years to finally realize the truth about myself. The woman I married is a wonderful and loving person who till this day even after what has happened still professes her love for me, has forgiven me but does not change my make up or needs. Many people still ask me if I still Love her, honestly yes I do, she is the woman I fell in Love with and married, she is my best friend in life, but can I offer her that type of Love that marriage is supposed to, no I can’t. This has been the case for many years now and it is the stereotypical story about a gay man marrying.
I have been psychoanalyzed and the result has been the same of what I believed within myself for many years now. Truthfully, it’s me that was in denial of my own being right from the start. I really do not think that any women who is married or been married to a gay man realized just how much anguish and mental suffering each man goes through and how much courage and strength it does take to finally tell their partner the truth.
When my wife found out about me and I had to tell her about me, my heart was broken into a million pieces and truthfully I was scared. I was not scared about me, but scared about what I had done to her and what it would do to her for life. I was afraid of what this would mean for our child, his well being and life long ramifications. For many months now I have been beating my head against the wall thinking of what it is that I accomplished from getting married and living the lie for so many years? Some questions I can answer some I still cannot. Like many other men out there in this situation we have gained the utmost love from a wonderful woman, the respect and trust from her family, we have become fathers and the though of loosing all this is so very frightening.
Most of you must be thinking what a selfish attitude, but with all that is written on the subject, there is very little on the subject of the other side’s feelings. Believe me when I say that my suffering during all this has me just as in much pain as you many women out there. I know that what I and many other men out there did is not fair, nor justifiable to you women.
When Bonnie says that it’s not your fault believe her when she says that. You had no way of knowing what was to happen in the future. From the man’s side of things neither did I. Many of us men who married with hopes of having a normal life, we could not predict the outcome either.
As a father and husband I will not abandon my family, they will always have my support and love, this is the commitment I made to them as a father and husband. Should my wife choose not then so be it. Selfish no, realistic yes. Many of you ladies have become dependent on your husband and probably the most difficult thing that you must come to grips with is the independency factor. Your self esteem has been destroyed and it’s up to you to build that up again.
With Fathers day coming up, it will be hard for all of us, just like any other family holiday.
All the best to each and every one of you, and to you Bonnie, God bless you in all the help and good words you offer so many women out there to find themselves again. To all us men out there who really hurt from our situations, be strong not only for yourself but for your families.
Joe
Dear Bonnie:
“Honey I’m Gay” a phrase that is very difficult to listen to and accept and just as hard to say. When I had to say them to the only woman I ever loved in a romantic way they just about killed me. I had been married for 16 years 14 of, which were wonderful. We were married a total of 18 years and though I didn’t realize it at the time she was my sole mate. We shared the same dreams, hopes and expectations. Except for one. I kept that nightmare to myself.
As opposed to other men in my position I never strayed. Not because I wasn’t tempted or I didn’t have the opportunity but because I was so afraid of what it would cost me. I loved my wife and my sons they were the center of my life. I told myself that my “deviant” sexual desires were not to be allowed.
After 14 years of marriage life through us a curve, my wife’s father was diagnosed with a fatal heart disease and we were told he had little more than six months to live. My wife who was an only child felt it was best to move back home away from all our friends and closer to her family. She wanted to support her mom when the time came. I was not as willing but thought it was something I had to do for her. That move brought on a series of events that turned all of our lives upside down. My wife dedicated herself to her parents and parenting our children and I looked on as my place in the picture was taken on by her immediate and extended family. In fact I felt like I was just another face in the crowd. I never told her how I felt, instead I tried to adjust and found some refuge in a challenging job and my sons.
The feelings of alienation had been growing for about six months then when I was at my weakest moment as I drove my sons to school I saw a pair of beautiful eyes that were in the face of a beautiful young man. I had never seen him before on the road and thought it was a fluke something that would never happen again. Well I was wrong it happened for 14 days in a row. Finally one day as I was driving to work, from the school I saw the young man and he winked at me! To make a long story short I fell for the young man hook line and sinker.
The next 18 months of my life were a mixture of guilt, anger, pain and lies. My wife finally confronted me and I asked for a separation because I truly did not know what was going on inside me. Don’t misunderstand--when I was in college I had plenty of sex with men of all ages sizes and types; however, when I got married I put that all behind me and kept myself for my wife. Our sex life was not good by any stretch of the imagination but we were content, busy, and I above all was in denial. Now all of the feelings I had repressed for so long came out and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
My wife and I had high profile jobs and we were well known. I had to do something and what I did was move back to the city we had lived in before we moved back home alone. There I was safe if nothing else due to the sheer number of people. The young man called me almost every day telling me how much he missed me and how much he wanted me. My wife in her pain let me be. It was very painful to call and have to say hi and ask to speak to the boys. It was even more awkward when I went back to visit them. Being a gracious lady and a wonderful person she allowed me to stay at her house. I’m sure she would have preferred to see me on the streets or dead but for the sake of the children she put up with me. She never made me feel unwanted or unwelcome--I did that all by myself. It was a painful time for use both.
Unfortunately because of the pain and confusion I was going through, I didn’t recognize how much she hurt. That is not an excuse--only a statement of fact. My ex-wife passed away due to metastatic breast cancer about 2 years after our divorce was final. I was with her as much as work and my obligations allowed me to be, and I took charge of making all of the arrangements. My sons came to live with me and we tried to put together our broken family as well as we could. I explained to them why there mother and I divorced and my lifestyle, and to my delighted surprise and their mother’s credit, they didn’t even bat an eyelash.
My oldest is on his own now and my youngest still lives with me. We have never been as close as we were when I was married and they were young children. However, they know how much I love them and that I will do anything in my power to help them and keep them safe. As for their mom she is always in my prayers and in my heart she truly was a wonderful woman.
To all the men reading this I ask you if you have taken into account the pain you are causing your wife by lying to her and denying her the opportunity to be truly happy someday? To the women reading this I put the following questions. Have you ever done something that you are deeply ashamed of something you can’t even truly justify to yourself? A thing that you were told all your life was bad? Have you ever had to fight back the feeling of intense panic the grips your heart when you realize that you are doing something that will ruin your life? Yet you risk it all because you truly have no choice? That is what most gay married men go through every day. Once he realizes that no matter how hard he tries, he will never be able to keep those desires under control and it only gets worse with age.
M.A.
Dear Bonnie,
Three years ago in June, I made a radical change in my life. I came out to my wife and ultimately about all of my closest friends, family members and co-workers. My truth was life altering for myself, my young children, my wife and my extended family. I thought having to suffer through the death of my Father was incredibly difficult. I soon realized that death could not compete with what my family and I were to endure through the process of me acknowledging that I am gay … and destructive nature of divorce.
My story is so similar, to so many you and I have heard about, read about or lived … that it barely needs more than a few sentences here. I knew since about the time that I was in my early teens that something was “different” about me, compared to my male friends. However, I had convinced myself that different was fine and that I def. wanted to and could, live the life that my very conservative old New England family instilled in me. By the time I was 30 I had everything I thought I had ever wanted; a beautiful and smart wife, a great job and fine country home. I even had a golden retriever.
By the time I was 38 I had all of that and two beautiful children, too. And can you believe it … I was not happy? I thought I was going out of my mind. How could I have everything and still not be happy. The deeper I looked at myself, the clearer my answer became. Those nagging thoughts about what made me think I was different became more evident. Could it be that my preoccupation with how men looked was more than just me comparing myself with them? Could it be more like me longing to be with a man on an intimate level? It was more and more evident, that stereo types about gay men applied to me. And it was becoming increasingly more difficult to always watch how I expressed myself, how little I cared about football, baseball, basketball, etc. And biggest of all … how difficult it had become to keep my eyes focused away from the hot guy that see in the grocery store or walking down the street … fearful that my wife or someone else would notice.
For years my mother and sister and others would say … you don’t seem very happy. What’s wrong? My pat answer would always be … I’m tired. Well … I was tried because I had for years and years and years been trying in vain to suppress who I was … in order to become who I wasn’t … so to fulfill ideas established by my family and society. I wanted so desperately to fit in … to be accepted and loved. Denial is an incredibly strong resource. Denial can be a good thing … in small doses. I my case … denial was slowly killing me.
Coming out to my wife was of course the hardest thing I had to do in the process. My wife was in complete shock. Shock turned to sadness and then anger. Three years later … I still some anger and sadness but thankfully I’m now seeing more and more acceptance. Two days after I came out to my wife, I had to explain to my children that the love I had for their mother had changed and was not strong enough for us to stay together. My oldest child curled up in my lap and sobbed and I quite simply wanted to die!
Six months prior to coming out to my wife I had finally accepted that I am in fact, gay. Once I accepted that fact I found a therapist and started working with him on what I should do with my new identity. Should I continue to deny myself and live my current life until my children went off to college? Or should I lead a double life behind my wives back? Or should I finally be true to myself and those around me? I obviously chose the latter … given the facts, I believed my wife deserved to be with a person who could love her and be with her the way she deserved a spouse should be. The fact that she deserved to be happy and to know that the end of our marriage had nothing to do with her! And given the fact that how could I try to teach my children to lead an authentic life if I myself could not lead one. And given the fact that I was simply so tired of suppressing “myself” from the world that I felt I might truly make myself ill due to my lying about who I truly am.
Three years ago … just before I came out … I was scared to death of what chances were to lie ahead. But one morning I literally woke up and it occurred to me that the life I was living had been much less of a life than what I thought anyone should accept. And if when I came out, that the only things I had left where my truth and my daughters, I could begin to lead a much happier life.
To my great surprise and relief, I receive a huge amount of love and support from every last friend; co-worker and family member (save two and course my wife). Within two weeks, I had come out to nearly 30 people and almost the exact words came from each one; you are a great person … compassionate, loving and kind. If you believe you are doing the right thing for you and your family … we support you.
On the contrary, my wife was very angry and talked to me very little. Within 10 days, she called me to tell me she was serving me with divorce papers. She had asked me to move out of our house almost immediately. Prior to this time, I had always played a major role in the caring and giving to our two children. Suddenly, my wife wanted to control my time and access to our daughters. I was going along with her wishes, hoping that if I gave her some control on that end, she would feel better. That plan did not work in my favor. The more control I gave up the more she grabbed for. I understood her reactions to a degree but it was very painful to live through. But I knew what she was having to endure was just as painful. It took the two of us and our two attorneys and a two hour meeting to get to me more access. I took to sending cards to my children everyday … since some days when I called home, my wife would not answer the phone.
When my wife and I first separated, I told her I would continue taking care of all the finical responsibilities … just as I had been doing (since my wife had not worked since the birth of our second child, three years prior). And even though I was not living at our house any more, I told my wife I would continue to mow the lawn each week and clean the pool. Each week I did what I said. Each week I would leave flowers from the garden in the girls’ rooms … a little reminder that I had been there and was thinking about them. I read the books about having as good of a divorce as possible. I continued to see a therapist. I was always at the house to pick up our daughters when I said I was going to be … never late for pick up or drop off. I was determined to show my wife, that even though I could no longer be her husband in “normal” terms … I would never, not be there for her and never stop taking care of my responsibilities to her or our children.
The first year of separation was the worst. I felt like I could not be the Dad I wanted to be. I felt like a stranger at my own house. I could not understand why my wife and I could not communicate better. I felt scared, not knowing what the final outcome of the divorce would be; where would we live, how would we figure out a co-parenting schedule, how could I help my daughters understand how and why this happened … and on and on and on.
My daughters are my world. Nothing is more important to me. I have done my very best to show them consistent love and support. My parenting schedule with them is nearly 50%. I’m hoping someday soon it will be completely 50/50. Knowing it’s in the best interest of our children to have equal access to both parents. I know the girls friends. I know their teachers. I go into their classrooms to help out. The girls know my friends. I managed to keep the house that they have lived in since they were born. My daughters have been slowly (over a two year period) introduced to the man of my life … whom I’m marrying this summer. We are all very much becoming a family and it’s great. I hope that some day, my ex-wife understands that one of the reasons I chose the man I did, to spend the rest of my life with … was because he loves our daughters so very much. And they are loving him right back.
In the last two weeks there has been another dramatic shift. My ex-wife and I have gotten together for two intense and emotional conversations. We have both been able to hear thing; feelings, concerns, thoughts … about each other which I guess we are now finally ready to hear. We are both ready for closure. We are both ready to work on becoming friends again. We are both ready to work on co-parenting our children the way they need us too. I have never been happier in my life! It’s taken three years to get to this point … but I finally believe we are on our way.
D.
I want to thank our men for sharing their feelings with us. It proves that these are very complicated situations with no easy, and in many cases, happy solutions. We all go through life trying to make sense out of something that is so hard to understand. Hopefully the words of our men will help you understand a little more clearly.
If you have comments or questions, please feel free to send them to me.
With love and hope, Bonnie Kaye
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