ENLARGING THE CLOSET
I find it somewhat remarkable that we often find “men in the closet” the topic of our
conversations without mentioning whose keeping them company—namely, US. I would like to discuss this because too many women suffer from this “closetedness”, and they need to understand why.
It seems that no matter how rational the explanation is that we are not responsible for our husbands’ homosexuality, for some women, there is a part of you that somehow still feels responsible. I know this because I often speak to these women. Here’s a typical conversation:
“Bonnie, thanks so much for helping me understand about my husband’s homosexuality. Everything finally makes sense to me. It seems like all of those missing pieces of the puzzle are finally in place. Yes, I do understand that my husband was this way before I married him but he didn’t even know it himself.”
Then comes the next part:
“I can’t tell anyone. There’s no one I can discuss this with—not my family, not my friends, not my doctor, not my therapist, not my—well, not anyone.”
Then I ask, “How come? What’s the problem with discussing this with someone who is really close to you?”
The answer that comes:
“People won’t understand.”
And then I ask the question that hurts so much:
“Do you think they’ll blame you?”
Ouch. That’s the thought that hurts because I’m getting very close to the truth.
“Yes, people are going to blame me. They are going to think that I am the cause of my husband’s homosexuality. I can’t tell anyone this terrible secret.”
And then I ask the question:
“Do you feel in anyway that you’re responsible?”
Then I get the answer that makes me wince:
“Not really.”
“Well, sometimes.”
“Not usually.”
In other words, sorta, kinda, like maybe. Ugh. Just when I thought the worst was over, it’s still there. Mrs. Superwife is still feeling responsible in one way or another for her husband’s “choice” in sexuality.
This is so common in the months that follow the initial news about a husband’s homosexuality. No matter how many times a woman hears that it was not her fault, she doesn’t quite believe it. She can’t understand how the man who loved her, married her, made love to her, had children with her, and vowed to love her forever and ever until death do they part has been able to forget all of those beautiful life memories, commitments, and wedding vows. She still questions what she did wrong to make him turn this way. Somewhere in the part of the brain labeled “Logic,” there has been a total eclipse that has blanked out the truth in previously understanding the situation. Just when you think, “By George, I’ve got it,” a rush comes over you and you think “I don’t have a clue.” How did this happen?
Women have often commented to me that they feel they are hiding in the closets with their husbands. And they go one step beyond that—they are still in the closets when their husbands come out. They continue to feel isolated and alone in this situation no matter how much they know intellectually that there are millions of women in the same situation.
Sometimes being part of a small group is very isolating. But I know rare diseases that have far less membership than our group and they don’t seem embarrassed to discuss their problem. They may only have a few hundred people in their group. We have millions—and yet we still feel compelled to keep this information a secret.
I think that we always have a sense of shame or embarrassment that keeps us hidden away long after our husbands have made their disclosure to the outside world. Our husbands are often more willing to take the criticism that society throws at gays than we are. And you know what? I think society is far more ignorant when it comes to the situation of wives of gays than they are of gays.
What do I mean? I mean that society will sooner accept a gay person as gay than a straight woman who married a gay. We are the ones who are really facing the ignorance of society. As if we didn’t feel bad enough about ourselves when this whole thing happens, we have to face people’s stupidity not only while this is happening, but long after it’s over. But this ignorance is easy to understand. Look how many of us blamed ourselves for our husbands’ homosexuality until we started to understand that we were not the cause. And look how long it takes women to honestly believe they were not the cause. And as I said earlier, just when I think I have them convinced at least on an intellectual level, the emotions kick in a throw off the thinking ability. That’s when I hear the talk of, “I know I’m not responsible for my husband’s homosexuality, but I can’t stop wondering if maybe he would have suppressed those feelings all together if I had been more understanding…supportive…attractive….etc.”
Five steps forward, one giant step back. Add a few external messages from the hubby (“I swear I didn’t have these feelings when we married.”), the parents (“Why would he turn to a man? Are you sure? Maybe your imagination is over active. Maybe you aren’t meeting your wifely duties.”), the friends (“You must have known something. Come on, I could tell. Do you mean to tell me you couldn’t? Everyone suspects him.”), co-workers (“You didn’t know your husband was gay? Or is it you didn’t want to know? You must have been pretty stupid not to know that.”), or well meaning casual acquaintances (“He’s such a great guy. I can’t believe he’s gay. And even if he is, I wouldn’t mind having a guy like that anyway. He seems to be such a great husband. I could live with that little flaw.”)
How about when we bring it up to future potential dates or partners? First question: “Have you been tested for AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases?” And if you tell them that you haven’t had sex with your husband for 10 years, they still want proof. They still think AIDS can be spread through the air in your house. Some of them will not call back after they learn that your husband was gay as if you are carrying around a disease that can “turn” them gay. Or you feel so afraid of turning someone off whom you are looking to turn on that you leave out that part of the story of the past marriage. You are hoping that the new man will love you enough in time to overlook that part of your past and the news can wait until then. You are still living your husband’s lie for him long after he’s telling the truth.
It is difficult having to be an activist for a cause, and especially a cause where you are starting off with so much misunderstanding and ignorance. Sometimes it’s just less exhausting to keep mum. After all, your husband did it for years. And maybe you’ve been doing it for years. Thankfully there are others who are able to go out there and say, “My husband is gay, but I’m okay.” They share their stories with the newspapers, television, and radio getting the word out. Even I have become semi-closeted to protect the privacy of my son and my ex-husband. I wish I could do as I did in the old days and just show up for national television shows that keep inviting me now to let the world know how it really is. But as I tell others, always put the children first. They had no choice in being here. We have choices. I’ll just keep plugging away in the less visible media with hopes that the word will keep spreading.
What do you Think ???
Monday, December 2, 2002
Sunday, December 1, 2002
DECEMBER, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 21 "UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS… FOR US."
UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS… FOR US
Well, there’s no place like home for the holidays, as the song goes. But then again, chances are the person who wrote that song didn’t have a gay spouse. This is the time of year that hurts the most when you are living with a gay husband, whether he be in the closet, out of the closet, claiming to be “Bisexual” or promising he’ll never act on it. It doesn’t matter what the status is when the situation comes down to the same bottom line. There is no way to feel happy when your heart is breaking and your life is always tilting over the wrong way.
The season between Thanksgiving and Christmas is depressing for many people for various reasons. But for us, there is a special sadness because we know the joys that were meant for us just aren’t happening—nor will they be happening in the future with the men we married. We have to face a whole new set of hopes and dreams on our own or with someone else. Some of you are still stuck in the same muck as you were last year during this holiday season, and to you, I am sorry. I’m sorry because I know that no matter how much decking up your halls with boughs of holly you do to create an illusion, there’s no action happening under the mistletoe with your husband. Or, shall I say there’s no action happening for you with your husband under that hanging plant. If you’re waiting for some action or some passion, don’t bother wasting your time standing paralyzed with hope under a clump of green hanging from your ceiling.
What’s even worse is that the start of the holiday season seems to have moved back a month this year. I heard those holiday carols start playing as soon as Halloween was over. That gives us an extra four weeks to have to be reminded of the cheer of the season, which doesn’t belong to us.
Why are these days worse than any other time of the year? Because this is a time when you are forced to get together with other family members and friends and “put on a happy face” as the saying goes. It’s your time to be on stage with one of your great performances. You need to convince everyone around you that life is really wonderful, just like that movie “It’s A Wonderful Life.”
You don’t want to ruin everyone else’s holiday just because yours has been ruined. This wouldn’t be fair, would it? This performance has to be of Academy Award caliber because there are lots of people out there that you need to fool, including co-workers, friends, family members, children, and sometimes—most importantly—yourself.
I say “yourself” because sometimes you are the most important person whom you need to fool. If you really had to face your feelings while going through this time of year, you’d be popping those anti-depressants by the handful. In order to survive the holiday season of “joy,” we put our emotions into a different psychological “mindset.” We suppress our feelings of emptiness and fill our lives with busywork to keep us running and doing, never allowing ourselves the luxury of time to think. Thinking would be counter-productive to the holiday spirit.
We look around us to grab onto anything and everything that will make us feel grateful for what we do have in life instead of what we don’t have. We stare at those beautiful creations our gay husbands have helped us create—namely, our children. How many times do I hear women say, “something came out good from my marriage—my children”? Almost all women with children tell me that. And it’s true. All of us who have children look at this as the pot of gold at the end of the dark storm where there’s really not a rainbow. This is not to negate the fact that you have these treasures, but they certainly aren’t growing up with the ideal family that you had envisioned when they were born. But not to be a “humbug” during these happy days, you create a winter wonderland of family unity, or shall I say, family fantasy.
And some of your husbands live up to the fantasy during these heartfelt holidays. They are on good behavior. They know that Santa Claus is coming to town, and there’s something magical about this time of year, even if you are a grinch or grouch for the other 11 months. Most of your husbands will step up to the plate for the “holly jolly holidays.” They’ll do their husbandly duties for the public puttin’ on the Ritz so to speak. Everyone will think that you are a happy loving family. Of course, in private, don’t expect that role to carry over—the one where they do their “husbandly duties.” That would really be pushing your luck.
The most difficult part of the holidays is the illusion of magic that is created. Everyone is on his best behavior. Your gay husbands are trying their best to do the family thing the right way. Those yearly traditions that they grew up with in their own families seem to surface around late November and linger until January 2 or so. It confuses us like hell. Just when we thought there was no hope for the future, this kinder, gentle, more loving husband pops up—reminding you of the days when you thought both of you were in love and your marriage would live happily ever after. And just as you’re mentally being dragged into this annual false sense of hope, boom, the New Year arrives and it’s over. Things are back to abnormal. Sad, isn’t it?
So if you are still stuck in a dark space, namely your marriage to your gay husband, try not to set yourself up for the big drop down. Face the season with reality. Don’t let misplaced kindness fool you. Enjoy it while it’s there, just to give you some peace in your ongoing storm, but don’t delude yourself that this is forever. It’s not—not by a long shot. It’s only the temporary holiday spirit of love that is floating in the air. It will be blown away with a strong gust before you know it. In spite of it, have a peaceful holiday and surround yourself with the people who love you the most during these difficult days.
Well, there’s no place like home for the holidays, as the song goes. But then again, chances are the person who wrote that song didn’t have a gay spouse. This is the time of year that hurts the most when you are living with a gay husband, whether he be in the closet, out of the closet, claiming to be “Bisexual” or promising he’ll never act on it. It doesn’t matter what the status is when the situation comes down to the same bottom line. There is no way to feel happy when your heart is breaking and your life is always tilting over the wrong way.
The season between Thanksgiving and Christmas is depressing for many people for various reasons. But for us, there is a special sadness because we know the joys that were meant for us just aren’t happening—nor will they be happening in the future with the men we married. We have to face a whole new set of hopes and dreams on our own or with someone else. Some of you are still stuck in the same muck as you were last year during this holiday season, and to you, I am sorry. I’m sorry because I know that no matter how much decking up your halls with boughs of holly you do to create an illusion, there’s no action happening under the mistletoe with your husband. Or, shall I say there’s no action happening for you with your husband under that hanging plant. If you’re waiting for some action or some passion, don’t bother wasting your time standing paralyzed with hope under a clump of green hanging from your ceiling.
What’s even worse is that the start of the holiday season seems to have moved back a month this year. I heard those holiday carols start playing as soon as Halloween was over. That gives us an extra four weeks to have to be reminded of the cheer of the season, which doesn’t belong to us.
Why are these days worse than any other time of the year? Because this is a time when you are forced to get together with other family members and friends and “put on a happy face” as the saying goes. It’s your time to be on stage with one of your great performances. You need to convince everyone around you that life is really wonderful, just like that movie “It’s A Wonderful Life.”
You don’t want to ruin everyone else’s holiday just because yours has been ruined. This wouldn’t be fair, would it? This performance has to be of Academy Award caliber because there are lots of people out there that you need to fool, including co-workers, friends, family members, children, and sometimes—most importantly—yourself.
I say “yourself” because sometimes you are the most important person whom you need to fool. If you really had to face your feelings while going through this time of year, you’d be popping those anti-depressants by the handful. In order to survive the holiday season of “joy,” we put our emotions into a different psychological “mindset.” We suppress our feelings of emptiness and fill our lives with busywork to keep us running and doing, never allowing ourselves the luxury of time to think. Thinking would be counter-productive to the holiday spirit.
We look around us to grab onto anything and everything that will make us feel grateful for what we do have in life instead of what we don’t have. We stare at those beautiful creations our gay husbands have helped us create—namely, our children. How many times do I hear women say, “something came out good from my marriage—my children”? Almost all women with children tell me that. And it’s true. All of us who have children look at this as the pot of gold at the end of the dark storm where there’s really not a rainbow. This is not to negate the fact that you have these treasures, but they certainly aren’t growing up with the ideal family that you had envisioned when they were born. But not to be a “humbug” during these happy days, you create a winter wonderland of family unity, or shall I say, family fantasy.
And some of your husbands live up to the fantasy during these heartfelt holidays. They are on good behavior. They know that Santa Claus is coming to town, and there’s something magical about this time of year, even if you are a grinch or grouch for the other 11 months. Most of your husbands will step up to the plate for the “holly jolly holidays.” They’ll do their husbandly duties for the public puttin’ on the Ritz so to speak. Everyone will think that you are a happy loving family. Of course, in private, don’t expect that role to carry over—the one where they do their “husbandly duties.” That would really be pushing your luck.
The most difficult part of the holidays is the illusion of magic that is created. Everyone is on his best behavior. Your gay husbands are trying their best to do the family thing the right way. Those yearly traditions that they grew up with in their own families seem to surface around late November and linger until January 2 or so. It confuses us like hell. Just when we thought there was no hope for the future, this kinder, gentle, more loving husband pops up—reminding you of the days when you thought both of you were in love and your marriage would live happily ever after. And just as you’re mentally being dragged into this annual false sense of hope, boom, the New Year arrives and it’s over. Things are back to abnormal. Sad, isn’t it?
So if you are still stuck in a dark space, namely your marriage to your gay husband, try not to set yourself up for the big drop down. Face the season with reality. Don’t let misplaced kindness fool you. Enjoy it while it’s there, just to give you some peace in your ongoing storm, but don’t delude yourself that this is forever. It’s not—not by a long shot. It’s only the temporary holiday spirit of love that is floating in the air. It will be blown away with a strong gust before you know it. In spite of it, have a peaceful holiday and surround yourself with the people who love you the most during these difficult days.
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