SEXUAL FREQUENCY SURVEY, October, 2003

SEXUAL FREQUENCY SURVEY

I am the first to admit that I don’t know everything. Or rather, let me say, I don’t know or understand a lot of things when it comes to male “out of the norm” sexuality. I wish I did because it would make life so much simpler for all of us. I receive letters daily seeking advice with some of the toughest questions: Here’s a sample:

Is my husband gay if he says he thinks he is but he has never acted on his homosexuality? How does he know he’ll like it?

1. Is my husband gay if he still has sex with me after 20 years?
2. Is my husband gay if he only looks at gay porno?
3. Isn’t it true that men who were molested in childhood act out through homosexual acts when they are older?
4. Is my husband gay if he has gay fantasies but swears he will never act on them?
5. Is my husband gay just because he had one meaningless encounter with a man 10 years ago?
6. My husband has oral sex with me. Doesn’t that prove he’s not gay?
7. My husband says he would like to have a three-some with him, me, and another man. He also wants to have sex with the other man. Does this make him gay or just kinky?
8. My husband wants to have sex with me, but only from behind me. He also wants me to insert a vibrator or dildo into his anal area. Does this make him gay? He says that the thought of sex with men is disgusting.

Now, if I had heard any of these stories, once, twice, or three times, I might think that there are some oddities here. But I hear them often. And boy, are we confused.

So here’s my overall answer—BEATS ME. Yep, I’m the first to admit that I just don’t understand it all. And guess what? I DON’T WANT TO UNDERSTAND IT ALL. It seems much too complicated for me to analyze and pick apart. It would probably take me years to look for the psychological reasoning of each man’s sexual differences.

I can give you the standard gay theory that sexuality is on a continuum. Some people are totally heterosexual, and other people are totally gay. But many are somewhere in between the two ends. So where does that leave us? With a world filled with men who are sorta-kinda gay but not really? I don’t think so.

I’ve been attacked by groups of “Bisexual” men who claim that I see things in terms of black and white when there are many shades of gray. Okay, I’m guilty of that accusation. But let me tell you why.

Even if a man is capable of having sexual encounters with a woman, I have issues with being with a man who is thinking of men, fantasizing about men, viewing gay porno, and finding himself in gay chatrooms for sexual stimulation. It makes me uncomfortable. I would always have to wonder if he is turned on by me or by fantasizing about men when he is with me just so he can sexually perform. I would think about that during every sexual encounter, taking away the possible pleasure even if there could be pleasure.

One of the problems that so many women face is that lack of admission by their husbands about homosexuality. These men claim that they are straight, regardless of the fact that they are into gay porno, videos, chatrooms, etc. When their wives bring up the subject of possible homosexuality, their husbands go into tirades calling their wives crazy, delusional, and paranoid. All this does is further diminish any sense of self-trust a woman has. She starts questioning over and over in her mind if she is imagining something that isn’t there. The truth is, women who have straight husbands never have to spend time thinking about this issue.

But then again, what is gay? There is a gay writer, Matt Pearcy, who will soon publish his book of interviews with gay men who were married and their struggle in coming out. To quote his last newsletter, “In my discussions with gay or bisexual married (or formerly married) men I hear them say they don’t want to be labeled. They feel that using the terms gay or bi or not-straight is too limiting.” He goes on to discuss reasons why men who sleep with men don’t want to be labeled. He also states that it your not behavior that determines what a man is, but rather how he identifies himself. Thus, if a man has sex with another man, but identifies himself as straight, well, then, he is straight. He claims that identity is more than how you behave, it’s how you feel about yourself.

Now, Matt’s a great guy. He’s a great “gay” guy. Matt has no confusion about his identity. He has never had the need to marry a woman to identify himself as straight. He has known what he is for many years and has come to terms with his homosexuality. Matt also tries hard to understand the thinking of men who marry straight women, and sincerely wants to share those experiences with other gay men. Matt himself has never married. And although this doesn’t negate his ability to write about this subject, it may cause his opinions to be too one sided to understand the emotional pain that women go through in their lives when trying to unravel this puzzle

I don’t believe that Matt is advocating this position, but rather just writing about it based on the responses that he has obtained from interviewing gay married men who like to identify themselves as straight rather than accept or admit to their homosexual behavior. And I’ve written so to tell him that. I believe that coming to terms with the homosexual identity can be the most difficult step in life which is why I tip my hat to those men who do so and are honest with their wives. Yes, it hurts like hell when you tell her, but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as those men who will never come forth with the truth.

What constitutes homosexuality? Can it only be identified as those men who have decided that they are no longer sexually performing and emotionally involved with a woman? I think not. I know of gay men who still want to bed their wives years after they have homosexual relationships with men. Gay men run the gamut in their sexual desires. My dear friend Becky will tell you how her husband had sex with her on a frequent basis up until the end of their marriage when he left for a man. More amazingly, now five years later, and still with his male friend, he still approaches her for sex whenever he visits the children. Does that make him not gay? I think not again!

We are confused, for sure. What is gay anyway? What happens when you have no proof? And what is proof? Most women think that proof is a full confession smattered with details or finding something so totally concrete like walking in on their husbands having sex with a man. Chances are, in most cases, neither one is going to happen. Then you just have to go on gut instinct because there is nothing else to go on.

Women with straight husbands don’t think of gay as the reason for their husbands’ alienation or lack of affection. They think that their husbands are having affairs—with women. For a woman to take it to the next step and start thinking that it’s a possibility of “homosexuality” means that there has to be some evidence, either conscious or subconscious, that the wife is encountering. This is why I tell women to “Trust Tour Instincts.” Yep, I tell them that because these instincts come from somewhere—and not from nowhere.


And so, my readers, help me out here. Please reply to this situation with your own stories that I can reprint with either your first name or anonymously. If you are a woman whose husband is still having sex with you and you know that he’s also desiring men, speak up so that others can understand that gay doesn’t necessarily mean MEN ONLY. It means MEN preferably, but not necessarily ONLY.

The real bottom line is—CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT. BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS. If your husband is aroused by or having sex with men, is this something you can live with? Is this something you want to live with? And chances are if he’s wanting a man on any level—including fantasy—it’s taking its toll on your self-esteem.

By the way, one of my online support group members, Trina, recently made a statement that really stuck with me. It was so simple, and yet it said it all. She told me that she was going to rent some romantic videos for the evening to see how straight men act. As innocent as Trina meant this statement to be is as powerful as it really is. I think this is probably one of the best ways to get some reality in check. Compare the actions of your husband to those of a man in love with a woman in a movie. Trust me, he’s not thinking about men when he’s kissing the leading lady. If you can’t be a leading lady in your relationship, then you are cheating yourself out of your right as a woman.

Love, Bonnie Kaye