I have had an increasing number of gay men who have been writing to me in recent months. For the most part, they are men who are either in marriages or recently left marriages and are having difficulty dealing with “guilt” for the unhappiness they have brought their wives and families.
I always applaud these men because they are honest—at least at some point. Whenever I read these stories, I feel tremendous compassion for the tragedy that has fallen on the families at all ends.
Perhaps you are wondering why I am writing about this at all. This newsletter is, after all, primarily there to support straight women who are suffering and struggling through this situation. But guess what? I’m there for the men also who are in pain and need support. Maybe misery loves company, but from where I’m sitting, no one has to really be miserable in the long run.
In my heart, I believe that most gay men who marry are hoping against hope that homosexuality will be a thought or thing of the past once marriage comes along to “save” them. And no matter how much most straight wives believe that gay men know they are gay when they get married, I don’t believe that at all. I have come to learn that there are many gay married men who haven’t acted on their homosexual feelings, or even had homosexual feelings, until years into the marriage.
Am I an apologist? Of course not. I’m just a realist and a humanist. And I’m also honest. I see both sides of this one-sided situation. I can’t even begin to imagine the struggle that gay men go through when learning to accept who they are. I understand all of the societal and family pressures that make them try so hard to be who they are not. I’ve seen all kinds of people trying to change because of fear. And in this time of enlightenment of humankind, some lights just seem to be snuffed out by ignorance. We are still living in a society that tells us that homosexuality is a deviant practice. Millions of vocal people still believe that there are choices to be made, and people can decide to be “straight” if only they try hard enough or are strong enough. It takes great courage and conviction to say, “The hell with what people think—I am what I am.” It takes courage because being who you are can result in terrible consequences such as the loss of family members including parents, being outcast in the community, discrimination on the job, and in some cases, physical violence by ignorant people who are looking to pounce on gays just because they are gay.
Until the day comes when gay is viewed no differently than straight, gay men who can “perform” straight sex, even minimally or poorly, will do all that they can to convince themselves that they are straight. Is this what I would call denial? No, this is what I would call illusion. Or delusion. At best, confusion. And how confusing must it be when gay men truly fall in love with straight women because love itself is confusing?
I have rarely met a gay man who has stated that he got married and didn’t love his wife. Maybe he wasn’t able to love her the way she needed to be loved, but how would he know that? How many straight men marry women who they really don’t totally love because they feel pressured or obligated? In a society that has a divorce rate that is nearly 50%, I’d say a lot. And even worse, how many bad straight marriages stay together when they should be ended because people are unhappy? Far too many that I see. People just get “stuck in the muck” and accept that this is what life is about. Yuck.
Now, that being said, let me return to my real issue. To summarize so that I am very, very clear:
1. I believe that most gay men who marry do love their wives when they marry them.
2. I believe that most gay men who get married try their best to be the kind of husband they think they’re supposed to be.
3. I believe that most gay men who marry really want to be straight.
4. I believe that most gay men who marry don’t think they are gay when they get married.
Am I doing good so far?
So let me analyze these statements a little further.
1. I believe that most gay men who marry do love their wives when they marry them. I don’t believe that most gay men who marry are looking to “use” their wives at the time of marriage. It is their real intent to pull things together and create a loving family unit. Some of these men have had homosexual sexual encounters, but they believe that this is “normal” for guys. Hey look, I grew up with those reports from knowledgeable doctors like Kinsey who said the majority of men have some kind of homosexual encounter sometime in life. Why shouldn’t we believe that it is “normal” to have a few innocent encounters? Also, sexuality is very confusing throughout the teens and 20’s. Almost any touch and feel can feel exciting. Plenty of straight women have told me that they had a good sex life in the early years of their marriage. That’s why so much confusion sets in. I think another issue here is that other gay men know who they are so much earlier in the game. They say that from the time they were small, they always knew they were attracted to men. This is an important lesson—not all gay men are the same, at least when it comes to recognizing who they are and what they feel. Acknowledged.
2. I believe that most gay men who get married try their best to be the kind of husband they think they’re supposed to be. Some are good husbands, at least for many years. They are good friends, good providers, good fathers, and good partners. They try to live up to the expectations of what married life is supposed to be. I know this because so many women write to me so brokenhearted after telling me that they had a wonderful marriage. I admit I found this hard to believe in the beginning. That’s because my own marriage was so miserable. But guess what? My ex had relationships with guys after me and they were just as miserable as my marriage was. He didn’t treat his partners with any more kindness than he treated me. It’s just who he is. He’s a solo act who does not belong in a loving relationship. I also believe, however, that even though they try, they fall short of the expectations. They are gay men living in a straight marriage. They don’t belong there because they are gay. They are trying to play a “role” that they can’t interpret the right way because it’s not who they are.
3. I believe that most gay men who marry really want to be straight. If someone has the opportunity to be straight, believe me he is going to take it. If he can feel love towards a woman, he’s going to give the straight thing his very best try. And why not? Why wouldn’t he at least try to be straight? Maybe this “marriage thing” will be what he needs to make those nagging feelings or suspicions fade away—FOREVER. I believe that many gay men love their wives so much that they are “Temporarily Straight.” I even believe that some men have no clue that they have male attractions when they marry—especially young. NOT EVERY MAN HAS A YEARNING FOR MEN FROM THE TIME THEY ARE YOUNG. Some do, but not all. Time seems to be the great determining factor. The more time that goes by, the less the straight thing seems to work. Everyone’s body seems to have a different timer when it comes to sexuality. There isn’t a set day, time, or age that every man feels that big pull. Some know it early on, but many really don’t know it until later on. There is no logical answer here or predictor of when these feelings will surface.
4. I believe that most gay men who marry don’t think they are gay when they get married. Okay, some men know or strongly suspect. But I believe that most gay men don’t know they are gay when they get married, even if they have had sexual encounters with other men. They mistakenly feel that gay sex is not part of being gay. They think that gay means you have to be part of the gay world—and they are not. They may have had gay sexual encounters, but it wasn’t personal or emotional—just sex. They didn’t love their sexual partners or in many cases, even known their encounter partners, nor had a desire to do so. It was just a sexual act. Big deal. Their “straight side” is far more dominant than that gay sex thing. They love their wives—they make love to their wives. And in most cases, they can enjoy sex with their wives—at least for a while. I also believe that those men who believe they are gay are hoping that with a loving marriage, they will become straight. I don’t think most gay men go into a marriage thinking, “I’ll be a straight husband for my wife, but a gay lover for my gay relationships.” They are really hoping that gay will go away.
I bring up these points for several reasons. I don’t want straight wives to think that gay husbands have evil intentions when they get married. I know this is ridiculous. Some marriages have wonderful years together, and these are the marriages that are the most difficult to move past. These are the marriages where women hang in hoping that someday their husbands will wake up and realize what they gave up. Some women get hung up on thinking that their husbands will come to their senses when they realize that they are throwing away their marriages and families over some sex act. They just can’t understand. Or in some cases, they just don’t want to understand. How can a sexual act mean more than the love of a family?
Ironically, those husbands who eventually tell the truth are the ones who are looking for more than sexual encounters. They are looking for a soulmate who can understand their needs. We are not the soulmates they are longing to hold, caress, hug, and feel intimacy with. We can’t fulfill that need because we are women.
I do admire the honest men even if it takes time for them to be honest. Who I feel contempt for are the dishonest men who will torture their wives for years by making them think that there is nothing wrong with them—only their wives. These are the cowards who go out and do their thing and continue to lie about it to their wives. These are the men who are denying who they are when they are out there doing their gay thing. These men are not in denial because they are not denying themselves anything. They are in ‘DENYING”—DENYING to their wives what the truth is. These are men who want it all—a straight life, gay sex, and a cover for the public at large.
Sadly, too many of these “Denying” men justify their actions by saying that they love their wives too much to tell them. They are willing to keep living their lies figuring what their wives don’t know can’t hurt them. So often I get letters from men telling me they are so torn because they love their wives so much. Now these are the men who I can convince to do the right thing because they really love their wives enough to stop hurting them. And it ain’t easy, believe me. It’s a process that we go through where I make them understand how much more they are hurting their wives by lying to and cheating on them. These are the men that I can convince that living a lie is NOT beneficial to their wives. They start to understand the detrimental effect it has on a woman when you are somewhere that you don’t want to be because it’s not where you should be. You start picking fights just so that sex doesn’t have to become an issue. No one wants to make love with a man who is insulting, angry, or detached. Unfortunately, it is rare for a straight wife to ever say, “I’m married to a jerk—he’s the loser.” Instead she says, “Why doesn’t my husband love me anymore? I’m the loser.” It’s human nature. Women are socialized that way. The failure in the marriage is “their” failure even though they are the best of wives. Sad, isn’t it?
Unfortunately, there are lots of selfish, insecure men out there who just will not be honest with themselves or with their wives. These are men who justify their misactions by saying that they are sex addicts, fetish lovers, or bisexuals. A rose by any other name is still a rose I say. The power of “DENYING” IS VERY POWERFUL.
I also feel anger for the gay husbands who finally come out when they are ready and expect that their wives are just as ready as they are to accept their news. It’s taken them 10 or 20 years to come to terms with their homosexuality, but it’s only supposed to take us 10 or 20 minutes. Give me a break. When men write to me and say, “It’s been a month since I told my wife. Why is it taking her so long to accept it?” I get angry. They lack compassion and understanding. They are in a big hurry to lead their new life without giving their wives the time they need to recover from the news. This is heart aching, marriage breaking news that is very hard for a straight woman to grasp all at once. Those men who wake up one day and decide they can be who they really are and say, “Hi Honey, I’m not home anymore” need to find a better way to make their announcements.
But enough with the bad guys. I’m here to praise the brave men who do what needs to be done, namely, telling the truth and looking for solutions for both partners for the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. I recognize your struggle. I sympathize with your pain. And I admire your integrity for leading your wives out of the darkness so that one day they can see the light again.
Much Love and Hope,
Bonnie Kaye
