Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter August, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 6

WHERE DO I REALLY STAND?

This leads me to mention some controversial stuff in the realm of straight/gay marriages that has come to my attention frequently as of late. I have been asked to endorse a number of organizations or events that give support to straight spouses. I have been asked why I don’t participate in different gatherings of straight groups or recommend support groups that can be found throughout the country.

After working with thousands of women in the area of straight/gay marriages for 18 years, including being a public pioneer for awareness in the early and mid 1980’s, I have developed some very strong feelings and principles. I won’t apologize for taking this position. I am here to support people, straight or gay, who are looking to transition out of their marriages, not looking for ways to live in them. I will give support and understanding to anyone who is going through this mess with the understanding that there is no way that I support these marriages staying together forever or even for years after the news comes out. I’m not giving a time line of when to leave, but I refuse to support anyone who is determined to keep her/his marriage together indefinitely. I cannot in good conscience give approval to women who are willing to accept homosexuality as a partner in their marriage. For this reason, unless I know that a group of individual supports my point of view, I can’t offer support or promotion. The only group that I do endorse in this arena is the AOL Str8 Spouses of Gays and Lesbians. I know the founders Jean and Dina, believe in what they stand for, and deeply admire their work and efforts. I do applaud anyone who gives support to anyone going through this crisis, but in order for me to give my personal public support, I have to be sure that we are coming from the same direction. I greatly admire many individuals who are part of other groups, but not necessarily what the group stands for.

A number of women whom I regularly correspond with, support, and developed friendships with are still in their marriages and that is fine. I know they are making a mental plan to leave at the right time in the future. They are not looking to find excuses for why their marriages can work in spite of the gay thing. And to those women who get angry at me for being the prophet of doom about their marriages, well, I’m sorry that I can’t make you feel better. I am basing my advice and opinions on my own experience and the experiences of thousands of women I have worked with through the years. Many of these women tried keeping their marriages together under any circumstances but failed. Why would I want anyone to suffer more than they already have?

We all make mistakes in life, and not all of them are intentional. If you learn that your husband is gay, bisexual, bi-curious, or whatever the name you choose to call it concerning his desire for men, you are living in a mistake that needs to be corrected. The problem will never go away—it will always be there no matter what. You can’t change your husband, but you can change yourself. That is what I work towards with women—changing them so they have the strength to move on to a better, more rewarding life that they deserve.

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