Gay Fathers Speak Out

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
June 2009 Volume 8, Issue 96
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other

Dear Readers,
First, let me thank you for the overwhelming number of letters from the May newsletter. The response was overwhelming with kind words from around the world. I’m glad I was able to connect with so many of you to bring a sense of reality into your situations.

This month I have dedicated this newsletter to gay husbands/ex-husbands who support our efforts and through this newsletter. This is the first time I am doing this, and I would like to explain why.

I think it’s important for women who have married gay men to understand where these men are coming from. So many of you question what was real in your marriage; others wonder if your marriage was all a lie. Some women are still blaming themselves for their husbands’ homosexuality thinking that in some small or big way, they had some influence in this situation. Some of you have horrible ex-husbands who keep telling you that this is your fault, manipulating those emotional buttons to the limit.

When we are in the midst of living through the nightmare, it is easy to lose perspective and only see things from one point of view—namely ours. And quite honestly, I do feel that our side is usually the right side for us—the women. However, I stick by my words that in almost all cases, these men loved us, hoped to be good husbands to us, and believed they could live happily ever “straight.” For many of us, the beginning of the marriage was real. It’s the years ahead that became like Alice in Wonderland—topsy turvey through a distorted mirror. It’s hard for us to understand how men who proclaimed to love us were willing to “throw it away” for sex with a man.

As much as I say that homosexuality is not just about sex, it’s hard for women in pain to accept this. For that reason, I have asked some of the men who support us, this newsletter, my writing, and your pain to write something that will hopefully explain things that will help you understand things better.


Dear Bonnie and Readers:

In 1909, Sonora Smart Dodd of Spokane, WA invented Father’s Day to honor her father, William Smart. William, a Civil War Veteran, raised Sonora and her 5 siblings after their mother died in childbirth with the couple’s 6th child. Sonora wanted him to know how grateful she was for the sacrifices he made. Since her Dad was born in June, she chose to hold the first Father’s Day celebration on June 19th, 1910. It took several years before Father’s Day gained wide support but finally, in 1956, a joint resolution of Congress made Father’s Day official in the United States. In 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day and in 1972 President Richard Nixon made Father’s Day a National Holiday.

But just what is a father today? The role of father in American culture has greatly evolved since Sonora honored her father. In 1910 the role of the father was to be the family CEO – the ultimate family authority, disciplinarian, and comptroller. He played an important role in teaching masculine skills to his sons and provided protection and guidance to his daughters. However, our culture evolved and so did the role of father. Men went off to war leaving their wives to raise the children and run the household even as they staffed the assembly lines in the factories. Through WWI, WWII, Korea, and Viet Nam men were drafted and families learned to function without Dad. Then came the pop psychology culture of the 1970’s. Zen, EST, encounter groups, and an explosion of do-it-yourself pop psychology self-help books ushered in a seismic shift in our culture. Fathers became less central to the family. Instead we learned to nurture ourselves.
Sylvia Ann Hewlett and Cornel West wrote The War Against Parents and expressed their belief that pop psychology has been detrimental to the parental-child relationships. They wrote "..in its more watered-down, popularized forms, psychology can be extremely damaging, particularly to the parental role and function. At the heart of the matter is the fact that in our increasingly therapeutic culture, external obligations, whether to parents, children, or community, are minimized, because they interfere with a person's capacity for self-love and self-realization." The result, according to these authors, is that pop psychology encouraged an individual ethic that placed self-fulfillment above others such as public service, family or other important causes.

Pop psychology oversimplifies the message. Helen Reddy’s song “I Am Woman” convinced us all that women are super human. “I am invincible,” she sang. Husbands and fathers became the spare parent – no longer essential to the family. But as a result, young men looked to street gangs to provide male role models and development of their nurturing and parenting ‘skills’. We have also seen a tremendous increase in teen pregnancy and single Moms as an increasing number of daughters grew up in fatherless households. But in general, fathers did not have the same legal rights or equal access to their children. Until very recently co-custody was uncommon and the courts simply did not enforce visitation for the father. Fortunately that is beginning to change.

But the loss of contact with my own children did not occur simply because the courts refused to enforce visitation, nor did they fall victim to pop psychology. It would be easy to blame it all on the court, but the fact is that the court simply distilled and codified all the homophobic guilt and shame I felt about myself, and the betrayal, rage and resentment my wife felt when I admitted I was gay and could never change. Before we separated, I doted on my kids. My son was my shadow. I could not keep him out of my tools so we invested in a tool set just for him. We built projects together or sometimes we put model planes and ships together. We explored hardware departments and Do-it-yourself manuals and blueprints. My daughter was my Princess. Perhaps it was my gay brain that enabled me to style and curl her blond locks before school, or pick out her stylish clothes. Whatever it was, it had photographers and model agencies actively encouraging her to do modeling. But all that ended when my wife and I separated.

In a war of angry words, my wife made it clear that our son needed “a real man” for a role model, so she enlisted the aid of Big Brother to provide the masculine leadership that I could not possibly provide him since I was gay – and lousy at sports. And in my own internalized homophobia and self shame, I walked away from that fight. I gave up and made myself the disposable parent. How could I compete with a ‘real’ man?

But is that really what makes a Dad? Is there some kind of certification program that one passes which tests men on things like team sports knowledge before certifying them as a ‘real’ man and effective role model? Is being heterosexual a prerequisite for that course or certification program? Our culture assures us that Mothers are essential for healthy childhood development, but why do we need Fathers and what skills and experience are required for this position?

Social scientists tell us that children are strongly influenced by observing their parents working together to solve problems and provide support for their children. Rigid roles such as who cooks, who cleans, or who mows the lawn or plays handball are unimportant. What is important is that their kids learn from the way in which matters are discussed and decisions are made. Children who have two active parents see an adult world and the interaction between parents. It teaches them how to have a relationship. It teaches them how to one day be a parent to their own children.
The traditional role fathers play in their children’s life is that of breadwinner and provider of the basic necessities of food, shelter and clothing. But fathers (even gay ones) are also seen as providing protection for their daughters and a role model for their sons. However, it is the role the father plays as one half of the parental partnership that is undoubtedly the most important. Even when a marriage dissolves, it is imperative that Dads stay active and involved with their sons and daughters. So I salute the Dads who find creative ways to stay involved with their children and who refuse to walk away.
Doug

Dear Bonnie:

To say the least May’s newsletter was a very interesting one and Bonnie you made your point quite clear.

As a gay man, married and with a child I can relate to the pain and mental suffering that each and every one of you has gone through and continue to go through, all the questions that roll through each and every one of your minds, everyday, “why did this happen”, “how did this happen”, and most importantly, “why to me”?

I believe that my wife asks herself those questions every minute of the day and even with help from professionals is still in denial of the whole situation. In one of my previous responses I mentioned that when two people get married they marry for Love, with the hopes of having a family, for a life time commitment.

When I finally realized myself who I was it was too late to go back in time and undo what had happened. Realistically I do not think that any gay man who marries is out to harm or hurt his wife in any way. From my own experience I did marry for Love, but at that time I was in denial of who and what I was and took many years to finally realize the truth about myself. The woman I married is a wonderful and loving person who till this day even after what has happened still professes her love for me, has forgiven me but does not change my make up or needs. Many people still ask me if I still Love her, honestly yes I do, she is the woman I fell in Love with and married, she is my best friend in life, but can I offer her that type of Love that marriage is supposed to, no I can’t. This has been the case for many years now and it is the stereotypical story about a gay man marrying.

I have been psychoanalyzed and the result has been the same of what I believed within myself for many years now. Truthfully, it’s me that was in denial of my own being right from the start. I really do not think that any women who is married or been married to a gay man realized just how much anguish and mental suffering each man goes through and how much courage and strength it does take to finally tell their partner the truth.

When my wife found out about me and I had to tell her about me, my heart was broken into a million pieces and truthfully I was scared. I was not scared about me, but scared about what I had done to her and what it would do to her for life. I was afraid of what this would mean for our child, his well being and life long ramifications. For many months now I have been beating my head against the wall thinking of what it is that I accomplished from getting married and living the lie for so many years? Some questions I can answer some I still cannot. Like many other men out there in this situation we have gained the utmost love from a wonderful woman, the respect and trust from her family, we have become fathers and the though of loosing all this is so very frightening.

Most of you must be thinking what a selfish attitude, but with all that is written on the subject, there is very little on the subject of the other side’s feelings. Believe me when I say that my suffering during all this has me just as in much pain as you many women out there. I know that what I and many other men out there did is not fair, nor justifiable to you women.

When Bonnie says that it’s not your fault believe her when she says that. You had no way of knowing what was to happen in the future. From the man’s side of things neither did I. Many of us men who married with hopes of having a normal life, we could not predict the outcome either.

As a father and husband I will not abandon my family, they will always have my support and love, this is the commitment I made to them as a father and husband. Should my wife choose not then so be it. Selfish no, realistic yes. Many of you ladies have become dependent on your husband and probably the most difficult thing that you must come to grips with is the independency factor. Your self esteem has been destroyed and it’s up to you to build that up again.

With Fathers day coming up, it will be hard for all of us, just like any other family holiday.

All the best to each and every one of you, and to you Bonnie, God bless you in all the help and good words you offer so many women out there to find themselves again. To all us men out there who really hurt from our situations, be strong not only for yourself but for your families.
Joe

Dear Bonnie:

“Honey I’m Gay” a phrase that is very difficult to listen to and accept and just as hard to say. When I had to say them to the only woman I ever loved in a romantic way they just about killed me. I had been married for 16 years 14 of, which were wonderful. We were married a total of 18 years and though I didn’t realize it at the time she was my sole mate. We shared the same dreams, hopes and expectations. Except for one. I kept that nightmare to myself.

As opposed to other men in my position I never strayed. Not because I wasn’t tempted or I didn’t have the opportunity but because I was so afraid of what it would cost me. I loved my wife and my sons they were the center of my life. I told myself that my “deviant” sexual desires were not to be allowed.

After 14 years of marriage life through us a curve, my wife’s father was diagnosed with a fatal heart disease and we were told he had little more than six months to live. My wife who was an only child felt it was best to move back home away from all our friends and closer to her family. She wanted to support her mom when the time came. I was not as willing but thought it was something I had to do for her. That move brought on a series of events that turned all of our lives upside down. My wife dedicated herself to her parents and parenting our children and I looked on as my place in the picture was taken on by her immediate and extended family. In fact I felt like I was just another face in the crowd. I never told her how I felt, instead I tried to adjust and found some refuge in a challenging job and my sons.

The feelings of alienation had been growing for about six months then when I was at my weakest moment as I drove my sons to school I saw a pair of beautiful eyes that were in the face of a beautiful young man. I had never seen him before on the road and thought it was a fluke something that would never happen again. Well I was wrong it happened for 14 days in a row. Finally one day as I was driving to work, from the school I saw the young man and he winked at me! To make a long story short I fell for the young man hook line and sinker.

The next 18 months of my life were a mixture of guilt, anger, pain and lies. My wife finally confronted me and I asked for a separation because I truly did not know what was going on inside me. Don’t misunderstand--when I was in college I had plenty of sex with men of all ages sizes and types; however, when I got married I put that all behind me and kept myself for my wife. Our sex life was not good by any stretch of the imagination but we were content, busy, and I above all was in denial. Now all of the feelings I had repressed for so long came out and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

My wife and I had high profile jobs and we were well known. I had to do something and what I did was move back to the city we had lived in before we moved back home alone. There I was safe if nothing else due to the sheer number of people. The young man called me almost every day telling me how much he missed me and how much he wanted me. My wife in her pain let me be. It was very painful to call and have to say hi and ask to speak to the boys. It was even more awkward when I went back to visit them. Being a gracious lady and a wonderful person she allowed me to stay at her house. I’m sure she would have preferred to see me on the streets or dead but for the sake of the children she put up with me. She never made me feel unwanted or unwelcome--I did that all by myself. It was a painful time for use both.

Unfortunately because of the pain and confusion I was going through, I didn’t recognize how much she hurt. That is not an excuse--only a statement of fact. My ex-wife passed away due to metastatic breast cancer about 2 years after our divorce was final. I was with her as much as work and my obligations allowed me to be, and I took charge of making all of the arrangements. My sons came to live with me and we tried to put together our broken family as well as we could. I explained to them why there mother and I divorced and my lifestyle, and to my delighted surprise and their mother’s credit, they didn’t even bat an eyelash.

My oldest is on his own now and my youngest still lives with me. We have never been as close as we were when I was married and they were young children. However, they know how much I love them and that I will do anything in my power to help them and keep them safe. As for their mom she is always in my prayers and in my heart she truly was a wonderful woman.

To all the men reading this I ask you if you have taken into account the pain you are causing your wife by lying to her and denying her the opportunity to be truly happy someday? To the women reading this I put the following questions. Have you ever done something that you are deeply ashamed of something you can’t even truly justify to yourself? A thing that you were told all your life was bad? Have you ever had to fight back the feeling of intense panic the grips your heart when you realize that you are doing something that will ruin your life? Yet you risk it all because you truly have no choice? That is what most gay married men go through every day. Once he realizes that no matter how hard he tries, he will never be able to keep those desires under control and it only gets worse with age.
M.A.

Dear Bonnie,

Three years ago in June, I made a radical change in my life. I came out to my wife and ultimately about all of my closest friends, family members and co-workers. My truth was life altering for myself, my young children, my wife and my extended family. I thought having to suffer through the death of my Father was incredibly difficult. I soon realized that death could not compete with what my family and I were to endure through the process of me acknowledging that I am gay … and destructive nature of divorce.

My story is so similar, to so many you and I have heard about, read about or lived … that it barely needs more than a few sentences here. I knew since about the time that I was in my early teens that something was “different” about me, compared to my male friends. However, I had convinced myself that different was fine and that I def. wanted to and could, live the life that my very conservative old New England family instilled in me. By the time I was 30 I had everything I thought I had ever wanted; a beautiful and smart wife, a great job and fine country home. I even had a golden retriever.

By the time I was 38 I had all of that and two beautiful children, too. And can you believe it … I was not happy? I thought I was going out of my mind. How could I have everything and still not be happy. The deeper I looked at myself, the clearer my answer became. Those nagging thoughts about what made me think I was different became more evident. Could it be that my preoccupation with how men looked was more than just me comparing myself with them? Could it be more like me longing to be with a man on an intimate level? It was more and more evident, that stereo types about gay men applied to me. And it was becoming increasingly more difficult to always watch how I expressed myself, how little I cared about football, baseball, basketball, etc. And biggest of all … how difficult it had become to keep my eyes focused away from the hot guy that see in the grocery store or walking down the street … fearful that my wife or someone else would notice.

For years my mother and sister and others would say … you don’t seem very happy. What’s wrong? My pat answer would always be … I’m tired. Well … I was tried because I had for years and years and years been trying in vain to suppress who I was … in order to become who I wasn’t … so to fulfill ideas established by my family and society. I wanted so desperately to fit in … to be accepted and loved. Denial is an incredibly strong resource. Denial can be a good thing … in small doses. I my case … denial was slowly killing me.

Coming out to my wife was of course the hardest thing I had to do in the process. My wife was in complete shock. Shock turned to sadness and then anger. Three years later … I still some anger and sadness but thankfully I’m now seeing more and more acceptance. Two days after I came out to my wife, I had to explain to my children that the love I had for their mother had changed and was not strong enough for us to stay together. My oldest child curled up in my lap and sobbed and I quite simply wanted to die!

Six months prior to coming out to my wife I had finally accepted that I am in fact, gay. Once I accepted that fact I found a therapist and started working with him on what I should do with my new identity. Should I continue to deny myself and live my current life until my children went off to college? Or should I lead a double life behind my wives back? Or should I finally be true to myself and those around me? I obviously chose the latter … given the facts, I believed my wife deserved to be with a person who could love her and be with her the way she deserved a spouse should be. The fact that she deserved to be happy and to know that the end of our marriage had nothing to do with her! And given the fact that how could I try to teach my children to lead an authentic life if I myself could not lead one. And given the fact that I was simply so tired of suppressing “myself” from the world that I felt I might truly make myself ill due to my lying about who I truly am.

Three years ago … just before I came out … I was scared to death of what chances were to lie ahead. But one morning I literally woke up and it occurred to me that the life I was living had been much less of a life than what I thought anyone should accept. And if when I came out, that the only things I had left where my truth and my daughters, I could begin to lead a much happier life.

To my great surprise and relief, I receive a huge amount of love and support from every last friend; co-worker and family member (save two and course my wife). Within two weeks, I had come out to nearly 30 people and almost the exact words came from each one; you are a great person … compassionate, loving and kind. If you believe you are doing the right thing for you and your family … we support you.
On the contrary, my wife was very angry and talked to me very little. Within 10 days, she called me to tell me she was serving me with divorce papers. She had asked me to move out of our house almost immediately. Prior to this time, I had always played a major role in the caring and giving to our two children. Suddenly, my wife wanted to control my time and access to our daughters. I was going along with her wishes, hoping that if I gave her some control on that end, she would feel better. That plan did not work in my favor. The more control I gave up the more she grabbed for. I understood her reactions to a degree but it was very painful to live through. But I knew what she was having to endure was just as painful. It took the two of us and our two attorneys and a two hour meeting to get to me more access. I took to sending cards to my children everyday … since some days when I called home, my wife would not answer the phone.

When my wife and I first separated, I told her I would continue taking care of all the finical responsibilities … just as I had been doing (since my wife had not worked since the birth of our second child, three years prior). And even though I was not living at our house any more, I told my wife I would continue to mow the lawn each week and clean the pool. Each week I did what I said. Each week I would leave flowers from the garden in the girls’ rooms … a little reminder that I had been there and was thinking about them. I read the books about having as good of a divorce as possible. I continued to see a therapist. I was always at the house to pick up our daughters when I said I was going to be … never late for pick up or drop off. I was determined to show my wife, that even though I could no longer be her husband in “normal” terms … I would never, not be there for her and never stop taking care of my responsibilities to her or our children.

The first year of separation was the worst. I felt like I could not be the Dad I wanted to be. I felt like a stranger at my own house. I could not understand why my wife and I could not communicate better. I felt scared, not knowing what the final outcome of the divorce would be; where would we live, how would we figure out a co-parenting schedule, how could I help my daughters understand how and why this happened … and on and on and on.

My daughters are my world. Nothing is more important to me. I have done my very best to show them consistent love and support. My parenting schedule with them is nearly 50%. I’m hoping someday soon it will be completely 50/50. Knowing it’s in the best interest of our children to have equal access to both parents. I know the girls friends. I know their teachers. I go into their classrooms to help out. The girls know my friends. I managed to keep the house that they have lived in since they were born. My daughters have been slowly (over a two year period) introduced to the man of my life … whom I’m marrying this summer. We are all very much becoming a family and it’s great. I hope that some day, my ex-wife understands that one of the reasons I chose the man I did, to spend the rest of my life with … was because he loves our daughters so very much. And they are loving him right back.

In the last two weeks there has been another dramatic shift. My ex-wife and I have gotten together for two intense and emotional conversations. We have both been able to hear thing; feelings, concerns, thoughts … about each other which I guess we are now finally ready to hear. We are both ready for closure. We are both ready to work on becoming friends again. We are both ready to work on co-parenting our children the way they need us too. I have never been happier in my life! It’s taken three years to get to this point … but I finally believe we are on our way.
D.

I want to thank our men for sharing their feelings with us. It proves that these are very complicated situations with no easy, and in many cases, happy solutions. We all go through life trying to make sense out of something that is so hard to understand. Hopefully the words of our men will help you understand a little more clearly.
If you have comments or questions, please feel free to send them to me.

With love and hope, Bonnie Kaye