ENLARGING THE CLOSET
I find it somewhat remarkable that we often find “men in the closet” the topic of our
conversations without mentioning whose keeping them company—namely, US. I would like to discuss this because too many women suffer from this “closetedness”, and they need to understand why.
It seems that no matter how rational the explanation is that we are not responsible for our husbands’ homosexuality, for some women, there is a part of you that somehow still feels responsible. I know this because I often speak to these women. Here’s a typical conversation:
“Bonnie, thanks so much for helping me understand about my husband’s homosexuality. Everything finally makes sense to me. It seems like all of those missing pieces of the puzzle are finally in place. Yes, I do understand that my husband was this way before I married him but he didn’t even know it himself.”
Then comes the next part:
“I can’t tell anyone. There’s no one I can discuss this with—not my family, not my friends, not my doctor, not my therapist, not my—well, not anyone.”
Then I ask, “How come? What’s the problem with discussing this with someone who is really close to you?”
The answer that comes:
“People won’t understand.”
And then I ask the question that hurts so much:
“Do you think they’ll blame you?”
Ouch. That’s the thought that hurts because I’m getting very close to the truth.
“Yes, people are going to blame me. They are going to think that I am the cause of my husband’s homosexuality. I can’t tell anyone this terrible secret.”
And then I ask the question:
“Do you feel in anyway that you’re responsible?”
Then I get the answer that makes me wince:
“Not really.”
“Well, sometimes.”
“Not usually.”
In other words, sorta, kinda, like maybe. Ugh. Just when I thought the worst was over, it’s still there. Mrs. Superwife is still feeling responsible in one way or another for her husband’s “choice” in sexuality.
This is so common in the months that follow the initial news about a husband’s homosexuality. No matter how many times a woman hears that it was not her fault, she doesn’t quite believe it. She can’t understand how the man who loved her, married her, made love to her, had children with her, and vowed to love her forever and ever until death do they part has been able to forget all of those beautiful life memories, commitments, and wedding vows. She still questions what she did wrong to make him turn this way. Somewhere in the part of the brain labeled “Logic,” there has been a total eclipse that has blanked out the truth in previously understanding the situation. Just when you think, “By George, I’ve got it,” a rush comes over you and you think “I don’t have a clue.” How did this happen?
Women have often commented to me that they feel they are hiding in the closets with their husbands. And they go one step beyond that—they are still in the closets when their husbands come out. They continue to feel isolated and alone in this situation no matter how much they know intellectually that there are millions of women in the same situation.
Sometimes being part of a small group is very isolating. But I know rare diseases that have far less membership than our group and they don’t seem embarrassed to discuss their problem. They may only have a few hundred people in their group. We have millions—and yet we still feel compelled to keep this information a secret.
I think that we always have a sense of shame or embarrassment that keeps us hidden away long after our husbands have made their disclosure to the outside world. Our husbands are often more willing to take the criticism that society throws at gays than we are. And you know what? I think society is far more ignorant when it comes to the situation of wives of gays than they are of gays.
What do I mean? I mean that society will sooner accept a gay person as gay than a straight woman who married a gay. We are the ones who are really facing the ignorance of society. As if we didn’t feel bad enough about ourselves when this whole thing happens, we have to face people’s stupidity not only while this is happening, but long after it’s over. But this ignorance is easy to understand. Look how many of us blamed ourselves for our husbands’ homosexuality until we started to understand that we were not the cause. And look how long it takes women to honestly believe they were not the cause. And as I said earlier, just when I think I have them convinced at least on an intellectual level, the emotions kick in a throw off the thinking ability. That’s when I hear the talk of, “I know I’m not responsible for my husband’s homosexuality, but I can’t stop wondering if maybe he would have suppressed those feelings all together if I had been more understanding…supportive…attractive….etc.”
Five steps forward, one giant step back. Add a few external messages from the hubby (“I swear I didn’t have these feelings when we married.”), the parents (“Why would he turn to a man? Are you sure? Maybe your imagination is over active. Maybe you aren’t meeting your wifely duties.”), the friends (“You must have known something. Come on, I could tell. Do you mean to tell me you couldn’t? Everyone suspects him.”), co-workers (“You didn’t know your husband was gay? Or is it you didn’t want to know? You must have been pretty stupid not to know that.”), or well meaning casual acquaintances (“He’s such a great guy. I can’t believe he’s gay. And even if he is, I wouldn’t mind having a guy like that anyway. He seems to be such a great husband. I could live with that little flaw.”)
How about when we bring it up to future potential dates or partners? First question: “Have you been tested for AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases?” And if you tell them that you haven’t had sex with your husband for 10 years, they still want proof. They still think AIDS can be spread through the air in your house. Some of them will not call back after they learn that your husband was gay as if you are carrying around a disease that can “turn” them gay. Or you feel so afraid of turning someone off whom you are looking to turn on that you leave out that part of the story of the past marriage. You are hoping that the new man will love you enough in time to overlook that part of your past and the news can wait until then. You are still living your husband’s lie for him long after he’s telling the truth.
It is difficult having to be an activist for a cause, and especially a cause where you are starting off with so much misunderstanding and ignorance. Sometimes it’s just less exhausting to keep mum. After all, your husband did it for years. And maybe you’ve been doing it for years. Thankfully there are others who are able to go out there and say, “My husband is gay, but I’m okay.” They share their stories with the newspapers, television, and radio getting the word out. Even I have become semi-closeted to protect the privacy of my son and my ex-husband. I wish I could do as I did in the old days and just show up for national television shows that keep inviting me now to let the world know how it really is. But as I tell others, always put the children first. They had no choice in being here. We have choices. I’ll just keep plugging away in the less visible media with hopes that the word will keep spreading.
What do you Think ???
Monday, December 2, 2002
Sunday, December 1, 2002
DECEMBER, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 21 "UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS… FOR US."
UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS… FOR US
Well, there’s no place like home for the holidays, as the song goes. But then again, chances are the person who wrote that song didn’t have a gay spouse. This is the time of year that hurts the most when you are living with a gay husband, whether he be in the closet, out of the closet, claiming to be “Bisexual” or promising he’ll never act on it. It doesn’t matter what the status is when the situation comes down to the same bottom line. There is no way to feel happy when your heart is breaking and your life is always tilting over the wrong way.
The season between Thanksgiving and Christmas is depressing for many people for various reasons. But for us, there is a special sadness because we know the joys that were meant for us just aren’t happening—nor will they be happening in the future with the men we married. We have to face a whole new set of hopes and dreams on our own or with someone else. Some of you are still stuck in the same muck as you were last year during this holiday season, and to you, I am sorry. I’m sorry because I know that no matter how much decking up your halls with boughs of holly you do to create an illusion, there’s no action happening under the mistletoe with your husband. Or, shall I say there’s no action happening for you with your husband under that hanging plant. If you’re waiting for some action or some passion, don’t bother wasting your time standing paralyzed with hope under a clump of green hanging from your ceiling.
What’s even worse is that the start of the holiday season seems to have moved back a month this year. I heard those holiday carols start playing as soon as Halloween was over. That gives us an extra four weeks to have to be reminded of the cheer of the season, which doesn’t belong to us.
Why are these days worse than any other time of the year? Because this is a time when you are forced to get together with other family members and friends and “put on a happy face” as the saying goes. It’s your time to be on stage with one of your great performances. You need to convince everyone around you that life is really wonderful, just like that movie “It’s A Wonderful Life.”
You don’t want to ruin everyone else’s holiday just because yours has been ruined. This wouldn’t be fair, would it? This performance has to be of Academy Award caliber because there are lots of people out there that you need to fool, including co-workers, friends, family members, children, and sometimes—most importantly—yourself.
I say “yourself” because sometimes you are the most important person whom you need to fool. If you really had to face your feelings while going through this time of year, you’d be popping those anti-depressants by the handful. In order to survive the holiday season of “joy,” we put our emotions into a different psychological “mindset.” We suppress our feelings of emptiness and fill our lives with busywork to keep us running and doing, never allowing ourselves the luxury of time to think. Thinking would be counter-productive to the holiday spirit.
We look around us to grab onto anything and everything that will make us feel grateful for what we do have in life instead of what we don’t have. We stare at those beautiful creations our gay husbands have helped us create—namely, our children. How many times do I hear women say, “something came out good from my marriage—my children”? Almost all women with children tell me that. And it’s true. All of us who have children look at this as the pot of gold at the end of the dark storm where there’s really not a rainbow. This is not to negate the fact that you have these treasures, but they certainly aren’t growing up with the ideal family that you had envisioned when they were born. But not to be a “humbug” during these happy days, you create a winter wonderland of family unity, or shall I say, family fantasy.
And some of your husbands live up to the fantasy during these heartfelt holidays. They are on good behavior. They know that Santa Claus is coming to town, and there’s something magical about this time of year, even if you are a grinch or grouch for the other 11 months. Most of your husbands will step up to the plate for the “holly jolly holidays.” They’ll do their husbandly duties for the public puttin’ on the Ritz so to speak. Everyone will think that you are a happy loving family. Of course, in private, don’t expect that role to carry over—the one where they do their “husbandly duties.” That would really be pushing your luck.
The most difficult part of the holidays is the illusion of magic that is created. Everyone is on his best behavior. Your gay husbands are trying their best to do the family thing the right way. Those yearly traditions that they grew up with in their own families seem to surface around late November and linger until January 2 or so. It confuses us like hell. Just when we thought there was no hope for the future, this kinder, gentle, more loving husband pops up—reminding you of the days when you thought both of you were in love and your marriage would live happily ever after. And just as you’re mentally being dragged into this annual false sense of hope, boom, the New Year arrives and it’s over. Things are back to abnormal. Sad, isn’t it?
So if you are still stuck in a dark space, namely your marriage to your gay husband, try not to set yourself up for the big drop down. Face the season with reality. Don’t let misplaced kindness fool you. Enjoy it while it’s there, just to give you some peace in your ongoing storm, but don’t delude yourself that this is forever. It’s not—not by a long shot. It’s only the temporary holiday spirit of love that is floating in the air. It will be blown away with a strong gust before you know it. In spite of it, have a peaceful holiday and surround yourself with the people who love you the most during these difficult days.
Well, there’s no place like home for the holidays, as the song goes. But then again, chances are the person who wrote that song didn’t have a gay spouse. This is the time of year that hurts the most when you are living with a gay husband, whether he be in the closet, out of the closet, claiming to be “Bisexual” or promising he’ll never act on it. It doesn’t matter what the status is when the situation comes down to the same bottom line. There is no way to feel happy when your heart is breaking and your life is always tilting over the wrong way.
The season between Thanksgiving and Christmas is depressing for many people for various reasons. But for us, there is a special sadness because we know the joys that were meant for us just aren’t happening—nor will they be happening in the future with the men we married. We have to face a whole new set of hopes and dreams on our own or with someone else. Some of you are still stuck in the same muck as you were last year during this holiday season, and to you, I am sorry. I’m sorry because I know that no matter how much decking up your halls with boughs of holly you do to create an illusion, there’s no action happening under the mistletoe with your husband. Or, shall I say there’s no action happening for you with your husband under that hanging plant. If you’re waiting for some action or some passion, don’t bother wasting your time standing paralyzed with hope under a clump of green hanging from your ceiling.
What’s even worse is that the start of the holiday season seems to have moved back a month this year. I heard those holiday carols start playing as soon as Halloween was over. That gives us an extra four weeks to have to be reminded of the cheer of the season, which doesn’t belong to us.
Why are these days worse than any other time of the year? Because this is a time when you are forced to get together with other family members and friends and “put on a happy face” as the saying goes. It’s your time to be on stage with one of your great performances. You need to convince everyone around you that life is really wonderful, just like that movie “It’s A Wonderful Life.”
You don’t want to ruin everyone else’s holiday just because yours has been ruined. This wouldn’t be fair, would it? This performance has to be of Academy Award caliber because there are lots of people out there that you need to fool, including co-workers, friends, family members, children, and sometimes—most importantly—yourself.
I say “yourself” because sometimes you are the most important person whom you need to fool. If you really had to face your feelings while going through this time of year, you’d be popping those anti-depressants by the handful. In order to survive the holiday season of “joy,” we put our emotions into a different psychological “mindset.” We suppress our feelings of emptiness and fill our lives with busywork to keep us running and doing, never allowing ourselves the luxury of time to think. Thinking would be counter-productive to the holiday spirit.
We look around us to grab onto anything and everything that will make us feel grateful for what we do have in life instead of what we don’t have. We stare at those beautiful creations our gay husbands have helped us create—namely, our children. How many times do I hear women say, “something came out good from my marriage—my children”? Almost all women with children tell me that. And it’s true. All of us who have children look at this as the pot of gold at the end of the dark storm where there’s really not a rainbow. This is not to negate the fact that you have these treasures, but they certainly aren’t growing up with the ideal family that you had envisioned when they were born. But not to be a “humbug” during these happy days, you create a winter wonderland of family unity, or shall I say, family fantasy.
And some of your husbands live up to the fantasy during these heartfelt holidays. They are on good behavior. They know that Santa Claus is coming to town, and there’s something magical about this time of year, even if you are a grinch or grouch for the other 11 months. Most of your husbands will step up to the plate for the “holly jolly holidays.” They’ll do their husbandly duties for the public puttin’ on the Ritz so to speak. Everyone will think that you are a happy loving family. Of course, in private, don’t expect that role to carry over—the one where they do their “husbandly duties.” That would really be pushing your luck.
The most difficult part of the holidays is the illusion of magic that is created. Everyone is on his best behavior. Your gay husbands are trying their best to do the family thing the right way. Those yearly traditions that they grew up with in their own families seem to surface around late November and linger until January 2 or so. It confuses us like hell. Just when we thought there was no hope for the future, this kinder, gentle, more loving husband pops up—reminding you of the days when you thought both of you were in love and your marriage would live happily ever after. And just as you’re mentally being dragged into this annual false sense of hope, boom, the New Year arrives and it’s over. Things are back to abnormal. Sad, isn’t it?
So if you are still stuck in a dark space, namely your marriage to your gay husband, try not to set yourself up for the big drop down. Face the season with reality. Don’t let misplaced kindness fool you. Enjoy it while it’s there, just to give you some peace in your ongoing storm, but don’t delude yourself that this is forever. It’s not—not by a long shot. It’s only the temporary holiday spirit of love that is floating in the air. It will be blown away with a strong gust before you know it. In spite of it, have a peaceful holiday and surround yourself with the people who love you the most during these difficult days.
Friday, November 1, 2002
NOVEMBER, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 20 "GETTING THEM TO UNDERSTAND"
GETTING THEM TO UNDERSTAND
Although I had actually written something else for this newsletter, I saved it for a different month because there’s something bothering me more at the moment that I would like to discuss.
While I was recently in my International Support Chatroom, one of our women from overseas mentioned how difficult her week was. Her husband, who left six months ago, had her two children visit and they met this new boyfriend. He never told her, the mother of these children and primary custodial parent, about this man in his life, so she had no way to prepare her children for what to expect. It was very difficult for her to deal with the thought of her recently split husband to be with a man, and she saw how difficult it was for her children in their young teens to adapt to this.
This is where I come to a parting of the ways with some traditional gay fathers types of thinking. This to me is a blatant disregard for the feelings of the wife and the children. I don’t understand why gay men find it so difficult to understand that we have a major adjustment to make when it comes to accepting their homosexuality. This is the missing link of communication that always has me baffled. What has taken them years to struggle with and accept is expected to just settle in with us within hours, days or weeks.
Gay husbands say that they love us. They claim that they don’t want to hurt us—especially as they are about to leave the marriage. Many of them have already done the damage while they are in the marriages, but now that they are leaving, they want to “make last minute amends.” I am never quite sure how they are making these amends. I have on limited occasions met the gay husband who has given his family the financial or emotional support that the family needs after his departure. I have seen lots of women struggling very desperately as single mothers, working both full time and part time jobs at the same time to balance the bills. I’ve done it for many years, and I know that many of you who have written to me have had to do the same thing because of lack of viable support from your husbands.
I know that I made one major mistake in the aftermath of my marriage that I always tell other women in hopes that they will learn from it. When it came to child support, I never took my ex-husband to court to make sure that he could be more financially responsible to the children. I make no excuses here. I just never had the strength to do it. My ex-husband still had me mentally beaten down even in the years that followed our breakup. I was afraid to go up against him for fear of the verbal attacks he would spew at me. I always wanted to keep it friendly and upbeat for the sake of the children. I know that taking my ex to court would have destroyed that during the years when I was very emotionally vulnerable.
Was my ex financially responsible to us on his own accord? According to him, he was the “dream” ex-husband. He would have people believing that he did everything in the world for the children and me. In his own mind, he honestly believed this. Although his support was very minimal in comparison to what I needed or what I had to pay out daily, he felt no need to do better. For a number of years, his salary was double of mine, and yet, there were years that went by without any support at all. Yes, he would buy the children sneakers twice a year or give them nice gifts for the holidays such as stereos or televisions. He did buy them a bedroom set, and he even took them on trips. But this didn’t help resolve the day-to-day expenses that I had to somehow find a way to manage.
In order to survive financially, I had a second part-time job teaching for a local college. I have been blessed to find employment that fulfills my greatest goals of helping change the quality of life for people; however, working a full-time job that was always longer than full time, and a part-time job that required at least two evenings a week away from the children, put extra hardship on the family as far as spending quality time together. Those are times that can never be brought back, and sadly, these are times that many mothers write to me about with great regret. These are mothers who have to work two and even three jobs to try to balance out the finances that their husbands leave them burdened with.
Excuse me from diverting from my original thought, but I felt the need to express that one as well. Getting back to understanding our feelings when it comes to new relationships and the children, let me say this. There are varying schools of thoughts on whether or not to tell the children, when to tell the children, and the best way to tell the children about their father’s homosexuality. We’ve had these discussions in this newsletter from time to time, and although there are different points of view, I think the bottom line is, “Think of how it will effect the children.” Hopefully, that’s the first thought and not the last. Too many gay fathers in their excitement in coming to terms with themselves have blurted out this news in an untimely way and it has backfired on them and the family.
It’s funny how people have different perspectives of the same situation. When I read letters from the Gay Dad’s organization, I see letter after letter from fathers stating how wonderful their relationship with their children are now that they have revealed the homosexuality issue. Or, they say their relationships with their children would be wonderful if only their ex-wives weren’t poisoning the minds of their children. Now, I feel that it may be true that some ex-wives are saying unkind things about homosexuality. No doubt. But for the most part, I think it’s the lack of responsiveness and understanding the father has towards his children once the news is out. And, along the same vain, I don’t think that children are quite as excited and accepting about it as these fathers would like to believe. My children were never happy about it, and in fact, my son is quite embarrassed about it. He would never dare tell his friends that his father is gay. In fact, he hates the fact that his father is gay. I have found through the years that males are far less likely to be accepting to this news than females, and especially throughout the adolescent years. And trust me when I tell you that I was the most accepting and defending mother of homosexuality you can imagine. Never was heard a discouraging word out of my mouth—at least on the issue of homosexuality.
We all have strong emotions when it comes to how the gay father should be leading his life in front of the children. Some of us are just not ready for it. I know I wasn’t ready for it for quite a while after my marriage ended. When my ex finally had a meaningful gay relationship several years later, I had enough time to prepare myself for the impact it would have on my children. I had already been able to accept my ex’s homosexuality and had been exposed to the world of homosexuality while running my support group. And even then, it still felt awkward and uncomfortable at first. I was grateful that his boyfriend cared about my children and my children enjoyed being with him. In fact, he gave them more quality attention than their father did. And they became very fond of him as I did. I was sorry when the relationship ended several years later because he had become a pleasant part of our lives.
I know that I would have not fared very well had my ex dragged the kids into one of his early fly by night relationships. And I would have been very angry if he introduced the kids to one of his frequent lovers without telling me in advance. My children never knew about my ex’s homosexuality during his early exploits or even during his one long-term relationship until years later. I always appreciated that. It made things much easier for me. I cringed at the thought of my children finding out at a young age. On a personal level, I was happy that my ex didn’t have the need to take my children to gay outings in gay groups like gay fathers. I didn’t want my children to be part of something that they were too young to understand. Was I right about my feelings? I don’t know. They were my feelings, my gut instincts. I thought my children were too young to be exposed to a lifestyle that wasn’t theirs. My ex felt the same way and I was very grateful for that. Maybe on some psychological level, that’s why I never wanted to rock the boat when it came to the issue of financial support. I’m not looking for excuses, just an explanation!
What can be done about this? I think women have the right to set limits when it comes to the children, especially when they are the primary custodial parent. I think we have the right to be real clear on what’s acceptable as far as exposure of our children to what we feel will be uncomfortable as far as situations or information. I think we have the right to say to our ex’s that when someone new is involved with them, we have a right to know before our children walk into it so we can be prepared to discuss it with our children if they feel uncomfortable or confused. And—it is our business, no matter what they think. Anything that affects our children is our business. It needs to start becoming “more about us.” Our feelings need to count and to be heard. And our ex’s need to step back and start understanding our feelings.
Many ex’s complain about how long it takes us to accept their situations. Perhaps if they would put our needs equally next to theirs—not even ahead—then that adjustment period would be shortened by a significant amount. But as long as they keep doing whatever they please whenever they feel like it—especially when it comes to the children, don’t expect an atmosphere of mutual respect and acceptance to surface. In conclusion, guys—show us the money and show us the respect. Those are the ingredients to having a successful ex-marriage. sty, I am really, really glad that this is a new and different year.
Although I had actually written something else for this newsletter, I saved it for a different month because there’s something bothering me more at the moment that I would like to discuss.
While I was recently in my International Support Chatroom, one of our women from overseas mentioned how difficult her week was. Her husband, who left six months ago, had her two children visit and they met this new boyfriend. He never told her, the mother of these children and primary custodial parent, about this man in his life, so she had no way to prepare her children for what to expect. It was very difficult for her to deal with the thought of her recently split husband to be with a man, and she saw how difficult it was for her children in their young teens to adapt to this.
This is where I come to a parting of the ways with some traditional gay fathers types of thinking. This to me is a blatant disregard for the feelings of the wife and the children. I don’t understand why gay men find it so difficult to understand that we have a major adjustment to make when it comes to accepting their homosexuality. This is the missing link of communication that always has me baffled. What has taken them years to struggle with and accept is expected to just settle in with us within hours, days or weeks.
Gay husbands say that they love us. They claim that they don’t want to hurt us—especially as they are about to leave the marriage. Many of them have already done the damage while they are in the marriages, but now that they are leaving, they want to “make last minute amends.” I am never quite sure how they are making these amends. I have on limited occasions met the gay husband who has given his family the financial or emotional support that the family needs after his departure. I have seen lots of women struggling very desperately as single mothers, working both full time and part time jobs at the same time to balance the bills. I’ve done it for many years, and I know that many of you who have written to me have had to do the same thing because of lack of viable support from your husbands.
I know that I made one major mistake in the aftermath of my marriage that I always tell other women in hopes that they will learn from it. When it came to child support, I never took my ex-husband to court to make sure that he could be more financially responsible to the children. I make no excuses here. I just never had the strength to do it. My ex-husband still had me mentally beaten down even in the years that followed our breakup. I was afraid to go up against him for fear of the verbal attacks he would spew at me. I always wanted to keep it friendly and upbeat for the sake of the children. I know that taking my ex to court would have destroyed that during the years when I was very emotionally vulnerable.
Was my ex financially responsible to us on his own accord? According to him, he was the “dream” ex-husband. He would have people believing that he did everything in the world for the children and me. In his own mind, he honestly believed this. Although his support was very minimal in comparison to what I needed or what I had to pay out daily, he felt no need to do better. For a number of years, his salary was double of mine, and yet, there were years that went by without any support at all. Yes, he would buy the children sneakers twice a year or give them nice gifts for the holidays such as stereos or televisions. He did buy them a bedroom set, and he even took them on trips. But this didn’t help resolve the day-to-day expenses that I had to somehow find a way to manage.
In order to survive financially, I had a second part-time job teaching for a local college. I have been blessed to find employment that fulfills my greatest goals of helping change the quality of life for people; however, working a full-time job that was always longer than full time, and a part-time job that required at least two evenings a week away from the children, put extra hardship on the family as far as spending quality time together. Those are times that can never be brought back, and sadly, these are times that many mothers write to me about with great regret. These are mothers who have to work two and even three jobs to try to balance out the finances that their husbands leave them burdened with.
Excuse me from diverting from my original thought, but I felt the need to express that one as well. Getting back to understanding our feelings when it comes to new relationships and the children, let me say this. There are varying schools of thoughts on whether or not to tell the children, when to tell the children, and the best way to tell the children about their father’s homosexuality. We’ve had these discussions in this newsletter from time to time, and although there are different points of view, I think the bottom line is, “Think of how it will effect the children.” Hopefully, that’s the first thought and not the last. Too many gay fathers in their excitement in coming to terms with themselves have blurted out this news in an untimely way and it has backfired on them and the family.
It’s funny how people have different perspectives of the same situation. When I read letters from the Gay Dad’s organization, I see letter after letter from fathers stating how wonderful their relationship with their children are now that they have revealed the homosexuality issue. Or, they say their relationships with their children would be wonderful if only their ex-wives weren’t poisoning the minds of their children. Now, I feel that it may be true that some ex-wives are saying unkind things about homosexuality. No doubt. But for the most part, I think it’s the lack of responsiveness and understanding the father has towards his children once the news is out. And, along the same vain, I don’t think that children are quite as excited and accepting about it as these fathers would like to believe. My children were never happy about it, and in fact, my son is quite embarrassed about it. He would never dare tell his friends that his father is gay. In fact, he hates the fact that his father is gay. I have found through the years that males are far less likely to be accepting to this news than females, and especially throughout the adolescent years. And trust me when I tell you that I was the most accepting and defending mother of homosexuality you can imagine. Never was heard a discouraging word out of my mouth—at least on the issue of homosexuality.
We all have strong emotions when it comes to how the gay father should be leading his life in front of the children. Some of us are just not ready for it. I know I wasn’t ready for it for quite a while after my marriage ended. When my ex finally had a meaningful gay relationship several years later, I had enough time to prepare myself for the impact it would have on my children. I had already been able to accept my ex’s homosexuality and had been exposed to the world of homosexuality while running my support group. And even then, it still felt awkward and uncomfortable at first. I was grateful that his boyfriend cared about my children and my children enjoyed being with him. In fact, he gave them more quality attention than their father did. And they became very fond of him as I did. I was sorry when the relationship ended several years later because he had become a pleasant part of our lives.
I know that I would have not fared very well had my ex dragged the kids into one of his early fly by night relationships. And I would have been very angry if he introduced the kids to one of his frequent lovers without telling me in advance. My children never knew about my ex’s homosexuality during his early exploits or even during his one long-term relationship until years later. I always appreciated that. It made things much easier for me. I cringed at the thought of my children finding out at a young age. On a personal level, I was happy that my ex didn’t have the need to take my children to gay outings in gay groups like gay fathers. I didn’t want my children to be part of something that they were too young to understand. Was I right about my feelings? I don’t know. They were my feelings, my gut instincts. I thought my children were too young to be exposed to a lifestyle that wasn’t theirs. My ex felt the same way and I was very grateful for that. Maybe on some psychological level, that’s why I never wanted to rock the boat when it came to the issue of financial support. I’m not looking for excuses, just an explanation!
What can be done about this? I think women have the right to set limits when it comes to the children, especially when they are the primary custodial parent. I think we have the right to be real clear on what’s acceptable as far as exposure of our children to what we feel will be uncomfortable as far as situations or information. I think we have the right to say to our ex’s that when someone new is involved with them, we have a right to know before our children walk into it so we can be prepared to discuss it with our children if they feel uncomfortable or confused. And—it is our business, no matter what they think. Anything that affects our children is our business. It needs to start becoming “more about us.” Our feelings need to count and to be heard. And our ex’s need to step back and start understanding our feelings.
Many ex’s complain about how long it takes us to accept their situations. Perhaps if they would put our needs equally next to theirs—not even ahead—then that adjustment period would be shortened by a significant amount. But as long as they keep doing whatever they please whenever they feel like it—especially when it comes to the children, don’t expect an atmosphere of mutual respect and acceptance to surface. In conclusion, guys—show us the money and show us the respect. Those are the ingredients to having a successful ex-marriage. sty, I am really, really glad that this is a new and different year.
Thursday, August 1, 2002
AUGUST, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 17
DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS—WHERE I STAND
I receive between seventy five to one hundred letters a week asking me for advice or comfort. I separate the calls for help and put them into different categories. Some are looking for information such as how to catch their husbands looking a gay websites on the Internet. Others need support to help them get through the most traumatizing time of their lives. But there are also three other categories of letters that I receive which sadden me because I know that I can’t respond with the answers these women want. I’d like to share these three areas with you. I’ve included a typical letter I receive for each of them:
1. Women who want for me to verify that their gay husbands are NOT gay.
Dear Bonnie,
I just read your book and the chapter about the Gay Husband Checklist. Even though my husband fits into three of the areas that you discuss, I have strong doubts that he is gay. Isn’t it possible for a man to look at gay pornography just because he thinks it’s erotic? He swears he will never act on these feelings. He just enjoys it and finds it stimulating. And, although he had several sexual encounters with men prior to marriage, they were strictly that—casual sexual encounters. There was no emotional tie. He never even kissed them. Isn’t that normal for many males to experiment when they are younger? As long as he doesn’t have sex with men now, isn’t this okay? He swears he has never cheated on me since we married and doesn’t plan to.
Isn’t it possible for him just to go through life just having those thoughts now and then without really acting on them? Everyone has fantasies.
2. Women who want a miracle and are convinced I’m the vehicle.
I receive between seventy five to one hundred letters a week asking me for advice or comfort. I separate the calls for help and put them into different categories. Some are looking for information such as how to catch their husbands looking a gay websites on the Internet. Others need support to help them get through the most traumatizing time of their lives. But there are also three other categories of letters that I receive which sadden me because I know that I can’t respond with the answers these women want. I’d like to share these three areas with you. I’ve included a typical letter I receive for each of them:
1. Women who want for me to verify that their gay husbands are NOT gay.
Dear Bonnie,
I just read your book and the chapter about the Gay Husband Checklist. Even though my husband fits into three of the areas that you discuss, I have strong doubts that he is gay. Isn’t it possible for a man to look at gay pornography just because he thinks it’s erotic? He swears he will never act on these feelings. He just enjoys it and finds it stimulating. And, although he had several sexual encounters with men prior to marriage, they were strictly that—casual sexual encounters. There was no emotional tie. He never even kissed them. Isn’t that normal for many males to experiment when they are younger? As long as he doesn’t have sex with men now, isn’t this okay? He swears he has never cheated on me since we married and doesn’t plan to.
Isn’t it possible for him just to go through life just having those thoughts now and then without really acting on them? Everyone has fantasies.
2. Women who want a miracle and are convinced I’m the vehicle.
Dear Bonnie,
I desperately need your help. I suspect my husband might be gay or bisexual. I know there must be something I can do to make sure that he doesn’t act on these feelings. You’ve been working with this for 20 years. I’m sure you must have learned something that will work.
Women who want to debate or confront me.
Dear Bonnie,
I have been living with my husband for 10 years. He just revealed to me that he is gay. I wrote to you for help and you sent me your information. I’ve read your newsletters and think that they are very negative towards keeping marriages together. I know that you are a voice of doom, but we don’t agree with you. My husband and I love each other and we know we can work this problem through in time. You are really misleading people with your opinions.
Okay, so let’s revisit some of this stuff again. It’s part of my yearly personal inventory to see how I really do feel about these issues and if my points of view have changed.
My opinions on the issue of straight/gay marriage are based on my own personal experience first. Next, they are based on thousands of your personal experiences. Do I have the only answers? Absolutely not. Do I have the best answers? Well, I think so. But that’s to be expected. If I didn’t think I had the best answers, I’d be a fraud and untrue to my own self.
My primary goal has always been to help women understand the complexities of their marriages to their gay husbands and how to untangle all of the mysteries in their minds like blaming themselves. It has also been my secondary goal to help gay men to be honest with themselves and their wives by supporting them through their coming out process. Living in the shadows of secrecy is not a solution to this problem.
Do I want to break up families? No, not at all. I think families need to be together when there are children involved. I call it “Family Unification.” I just believe that this important aspect of life should be conducted from two different households—yours and his. You can co-parent, you can have the strongest of friendships, but chances are, you’ll never obtain this as long as you are married. Why do I feel so strongly about that last statement? Simple. It’s hard to be good friends with someone you can’t trust. It’s hard to keep loving someone who can’t love you back the way you need to be loved. And it’s most difficult to make your children happy when you can’t be happy.
People debate the issue with me whether children are more secure in a household with two parents or with parents who are in two separate households.
Some people tell me they are staying together for the sake of the children. In a perfect world, a child growing up with two loving parents is the ultimate situation. But when there is dysfunction and unhappiness in the home, this is not the ideal situation. This just doesn’t apply to straight/gay marriages, but to any marriage that has dysfunction at the core of the relationship.
Some of you may challenge me on whether a straight/gay marriage can be labeled as “dysfunction at the core of the relationship.” Of course it is. This is not marriage the way marriage was meant to be. This is a “mismarriage” as I call it. It is a mistake that happened. In most cases, there is no one at fault. I do believe that. There was no deceptive plan at the time of marriage to “screw up the woman’s life.”
I may be negative, but I am very understanding. I know that gay men married their wives in almost all cases because they loved them. I also acknowledge that most gay men who married believed they were straight or would be straight after marriage. For real. They did believe this. I have also come to believe that some gay men never acted on their homosexuality prior to marriage. Damn, I’ve even come to believe that there are a couple (maybe a handful) of guys who haven’t acted on their homosexuality at all until after they leave their marriage. See, even I can learn and change my opinions after 20 years. But that still doesn’t change my basic philosophy.
Is that to say that straight/gay marriages don’t stay together? Of course they do. A number of my support group members remain in their marriages. They are looking for support while they are in their marriages—BUT THEY ARE NOT LOOKING FOR ME TO SUPPORT THEIR MARRIAGES. They know that I can’t do that. I understand that leaving a marriage isn’t always easy or even possible. Some women are literally trapped, even if, in some cases, they are trapped by their own fears and insecurities. I never judge—I just give support. I will always be there for an encouraging word.
A few letter writers who don’t know me or choose not to understand me characterize me as an “angry, bitter woman.” Au contraire. You will NEVER hear me condemning a woman because she can’t make the steps that will free her. I know that everyone has to survive at her own pace. Who am I to judge? If my ex-husband had not walked out on me on that September day, who knows how long I would have remained in my life of misery? I wasn’t even myself any longer. I had given up my identity and become a stranger in my own body. I was a scared, lonely, isolated woman whose sense of reality had been distorted. And I was only battered for four years. How do women do it for 10, 20 or 30 years? They just sacrifice any sense of life that is left.
If I have to name what I feel my best quality is, (we all need to brag about ourselves on a semi-regular basis for reassurance!) I would say that it’s the ability to keep feeling other’s pain long after I am past it and not to make judgment. I never say, “I did it so you can do it.” That’s ridiculous. We are all different, and all of our life experiences have been different.
It reminds me of the early years after my marriage dissolved, and I turned to welfare in order to survive. At that point, I had an chronically ill infant, a high-strung two year old, and I was mentally beaten down and filled with anxiety. I was unable to hold down a job because of my son’s frequent hospitalizations and need for care. As soon as I started building myself up mentally, I went back to school so I’d never have to be on welfare again.
Several years later, I began my current full-time career working with welfare mothers to obtain self-sufficiency. When I recruited at the welfare offices to help women find free training programs, I once heard another speaker judging them. “If I can do it, you can do it,” she said in a nasty tone. She wasn’t saying it to be supportive—she was saying it to be judgmental. She made it clear that she had disdain for people who she felt were “bilking” the system. She was judging others the way she had been judged, and somehow, she lost the sensitivity. She obviously had no one sign up for her program. I, on the other hand, was able to recruit the majority of people because I told them I could appreciate the hardship they were going through because I remembered the feelings of frustration and hopelessness I had felt living through welfare dependency. I tell that to my clients today, 16 years later. I never judge any of them. Almost all of them came from family lives that were far worse than mine. They came from generational poverty. They came from years of abuse and neglect. How could I compare that with my 3 year backslide in life?
I relate this story as I relate it to my counselees. I never judge how long it takes a woman to leave her marriage. I show her compassion and understanding, because even though it was another lifetime ago, I never loose touch with my feelings during that painful period. I never judge a woman even if she stays in her marriage as long as she knows what she is facing and is honest about it.
I’ll go one better than that—I don’t judge people who are trying to make these marriages work and look to condemn me. Talk about angry and bitter as I mentioned earlier. If I were an angry or bitter woman, I would be insulting to women and couples who write about their disagreements with me. I never do that. I just refer them elsewhere. I never say my way is the only way. I wish them all the best of luck in finding the answers I can’t give them. I even tell them how to look for them. I never delete anyone’s message who disagrees with me. I respond to all messages. I believe that people can reach out to each other and find common grounds for understanding, even if we can’t agree on lifestyles. Diversity is what makes the world go around, I suppose.
There are straight/gay couples who are working at making their marriages work. If they choose to struggle in these relationships, who am I to sit and throw stones? I am not the last word on this subject. I just think that I am the best word for most of the people most of the time. Why do I think this? Probably because of the one category of letters that I receive that are my favorite category of all. Whenever I feel discouraged or disheartened, I go to my favorite file of “Thanks” letters. And I have hundreds of them. Each person who took the time to write me a personal thanks makes all of this worthwhile. It’s what keeps me moving along on a day-to-day basis. These letters keep me writing this monthly newsletter even though friends and family tell me to give it a break. Even my soulmate says write it bi-monthly or quarterly. I tell him no, people are counting on me. They are counting on me to confirm their mental health on a monthly basis. That’s because I know how important it is to have a voice of reason and confirmation there to give support regularly during a crisis. I remember how isolated and alone I felt struggling with this on my own years ago. I swore that if I had the opportunity to help others, I would always be there to do it, and I am.
Several weeks ago, a woman wrote me a beautiful thank you letter. It kind of said everything I love to hear so I asked her if I could share it with you, my readers.
Here was her response:
Hi Bonnie!
You most certainly can use any part of my letter in your newsletter! If it can help just one woman out there make the right decision it would give me great joy. I would prefer if you would use my first name only. Please feel free to use any part or even the entire letter.
Thanks, Shelley
And here is her letter:
Bonnie,
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for the great book that you have put out and the wonderful monthly newsletter. My husband came out to me approximately 2 months ago. I knew at that moment that there was no way that I would be able to deal with this situation and I told him so at that time. I love him very deeply and it is killing me to have to go through this but I know that I must. Soon after he told me the news I did what I always do when faced with a new obstacle, I started checking the internet for books on the subject and for support groups as well. I found a few books so I ordered them all.
What I found is that most were lacking or really didn't give me the direct information that I was looking for. Your book was the only one that I identified with. It seemed that everywhere I looked I found people giving me advice to "go for counseling" with my husband or to "take it slow" because I didn't want to make a decision that I would regret later. I kept thinking why should I do those things? Is he going to suddenly stop being gay? Or maybe I should try to find a way for me to accept his shortcomings and create a whole new relationship?
I joined a yahoo group for women that have a gay/bisexual husband or boyfriend and was astounded by what I read there! Many of those women had decided to stay with their gay husbands and work things out! They would constantly post about how much pain they were in and how they didn't know how long they could handle the situation. There were even some people that had made "contacts" with their husband about when he could go out with his "friends"! I couldn't believe what I was ready, I kept wanting to shake these women and scream "wake up!" in their faces. I quickly unsubscribed to that club needless to say.
Anyway, when I finally received your book (took awhile I must say) I read it within a few hours. I sighed with relief because I finally found a voice of reason. I knew what you had to say (as difficult as it was to hear) was what I was looking for and I knew that it was right. Thank you Bonnie for letting me know that I am on the right track. My husband helped me find a new townhouse and helped me move in. We remain friends and still love each other very much. It hasn't been easy but I have made it this far. I am very fortunate because we did not have any children even though we were married for 10 years (perhaps woman's intuition?) Thanks again Bonnie. I wish you all the best. Perhaps I will join your Thursday night chats soon!
Of course, most marriages do not end this easily or nicely. Maybe this is why so many of them keep dragging on —for fear of how bad the ending will really be. But when I look at the alternatives of how people live, those who are “making their way” through these marriages, it really saddens me. In my September newsletter, I’ll be discussing some of those marriages.
Next, I’d like to clarify my position on the subject of what makes a man gay for those of you who continue to dispute me or choose not to label your husbands for your own state of mental health. If you feel better thinking that your husband is “straight but bi-curious” or “straight with gay leanings” or any of the other combinations of justification you have written to me about, well, that’s okay. Or if you’re a gay man who is offended by my classification of you as being gay vs. bisexual, bi-curious, or any other name that doesn’t have the word “gay” in it, well, that’s okay too. I don’t really care what you choose to call yourself. That is your call, not mine.
The bottom line is this: If you can live with the fact that the man you love is (from the least to the most extreme order)
· fantasizing about men
· looking at gay porno
· chatting in gay/bisexual chatrooms on the computer
· calling 1-900 gay phone numbers to chat
· looking at men instead of you
· having occasional discreet sexual encounters with men
· having an actual relationship with a man
and you feel that your life with him is fulfilling in spite of this, then who am I to give you advice? I do not advocate happy couples with strong marriages splitting up. It’s just that out of the thousands and thousands of women who have come to me for help, I haven’t seen very many happy marriages. In fact, I haven’t found any happy and fulfilled ones. I have found marriages trying to struggle through this, but no one who has written to me saying that she is happy that she is married to a gay man even though she had no knowledge of it before she got married.
Of course, when I throw out that challenge to women who accuse me of being one-sided, sometimes they write me back that the only women I would hear from are women who are unhappy. Negativity just seems to gravitate towards me, they think.
And maybe that’s true. Maybe a woman who is truly happy in a marriage with her gay husband wouldn’t be looking for my help. So if you’re out there, good luck to you.
But by the time women write to me, there’s something not right going on. You may not know for sure what it is, but you suspect it’s possible that it can be the unspeakable. And for all of you who write to me for help, I will continue giving the only kind of help I can—a heaping helping of no-nonsense honesty. Yes, honesty as I see it. And I guess I’m not so far off track from all of the wonderful letters of thanks like Shelley’s that confirm that what I do makes a difference for you.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Wednesday, May 1, 2002
MAY, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 14. IN MEMORY OF MY DAUGHTER JENNIFER
IN MEMORY OF MY DAUGHTER JENNIFER
My daughter, Jennifer, age 22, died on April 14, 2002. Her young life was snuffed out due to medical complications from a serious drug addiction that overtook her life starting three-and-a-half years ago. For this reason, the April newsletter that comes out mid-month was delayed.
I would like to thank the dozens of people who were alerted through the various Straight Spouse groups who sent me beautiful messages of warmth and comfort. Your words have been overwhelmingly supportive and kind. The members of my own on-line support group have been extremely generous in their love and support. I would like to take a few moments to share some personal thoughts about the relationship between my daughter and me in hopes that it will shed some insight to those of you who are part of this large network.
As I reflect on the years that I had my daughter, I can say with good feelings that I take comfort knowing that I did everything humanly possible to help her through her troubled years. When I first learned of her addiction two months before the age of 19, I immediately admitted her into a drug recovery program, the first of a dozen or so that she entered and dropped from until her death. It was during this first stint that I learned that Jennifer was a lesbian. She did not reveal this information to me. Rather I found out from some of her friends when she ran away from the program with another young lady during her second month there. When she came to visit me several days later, I asked her why she never told me about her sexuality. I felt hurt that I had to find it out from her friends because she didn’t trust me enough to tell me. When she responded that she was afraid of hurting me, I was very confused and asked her why.
I had raised my daughter to be understanding and tolerant of homosexuality. From the time she was a young child, I was very careful to project positive images of gay people. I developed some wonderful gay friends through my support group in the 1980’s who were part of her life. I was very emphatic in telling her that gay people had no choice in their homosexuality—they were born that way. I felt the need to reinforce that regularly for two reasons. First, I never wanted her to feel that her father “chose” homosexuality over his family. It was difficult enough living in a homophobic world without thinking that a father would prefer that way of life if given a choice. But more importantly, I knew statistically that children with a gay parent had a higher chance of being gay themselves. My years of research had proven that to me. I believe that gay is genetic, and it would only follow that the gene could be passed on to some of the children. I was always able to separate my anger towards my ex-husband’s irresponsibility from homosexuality.
My daughter’s response: “Mom, I didn’t want to hurt you because I know how much dad has put you through.” I was stumped. I asked her if I ever led her to believe that I had a problem with homosexuality. She said, “Absolutely not.” I next asked her if she thought I would be disappointed that she was a lesbian. She replied, “I’m not sure.” No matter how accepting I felt about homosexuality, and no matter how many times I said it would never bother me if my children were gay, she wasn’t sure when it became a reality if I would feel the same way.
Truthfully, I was initially numb when I found out that Jennifer was a lesbian. Was I happy about it? No. But it wasn’t because of homosexuality. I just knew how much harder life would be for her as a gay person. But, after the initial numbness passed in a day or two, I fell into an easy acceptance. Homosexuality was never an issue for me when it came to my daughter. Her drug problem was my only concern. I embraced all of her girlfriends over the next three years hoping she would find one that would give her a greater sense of stability and happiness.
Some people have asked me if I thought my daughter’s drug habit resulted from her homosexuality. After all, drugs and alcohol are a common problem in the gay community. That’s because the pain of being gay is too difficult for many who don’t have accepting mothers. This was not Jennifer’s case. She had no problem being a lesbian. That was one area of her life that she was totally comfortable and happy about. She had a large “PRIDE” tattoo engraved on her arm several years ago with all of the rainbow colors. She became active in the gay recovery movement during the times when she was clean. In fact, last year when she had her longest clean period of six months, she worked at the drug recovery booth at the Philadelphia Gay Pride parade. She laughed at the end of the day when she brought me a bunch of leftover flavored condoms she gave out at the booth saying, “Ma, you need these more than I do.”
When I think back to the day I revealed my daughter’s homosexuality to my ex-husband shortly after I first learned about it, I remember the great irony of that moment. He went on a screaming rampage that shocked even me. He started yelling, “How could she do this?” He then went on to blurt out a number of obscenities. I was really stumped. He was sure that it the drugs were turning her “temporarily” gay. Over the next few years, he came up with numerous theories about Jennifer’s homosexuality and tried to convince her that it was just a “passing phase” that would change if she overcame her addiction. He was embarrassed by Jennifer’s comfort with her sexuality because he was so uncomfortable with his own homosexuality. When she would visit him and he had company, he would ask her to cover the tattoo. He constantly bemoaned the fact that now she wouldn’t have grandchildren, and periodically kept hoping that she would at least meet a man and have a grandchild to carry on his legacy. What can I say?
The funniest thing is he would occasionally try to blame me for Jennifer’s homosexuality stating that I must have been too much of an “overbearing mother,” similar to the one he had. My ex just didn’t buy into the genetic inborn thing when it concerned him. He made sure to tell me on various occasions, “Don’t try to blame me. It has nothing to do with me. After all, I wasn’t born gay.” He always feels better thinking that he was “made” gay and not born that way. I never blamed him, I just stated my feelings that it was a passed on gene. Homosexuality is not a “fault” to be blamed on anyone. People have no control over this anymore than they have control over their eye color.
` When my ex wasn’t blaming the drugs, he would blame her appearance. Jennifer was a heavy-set young woman and he believed her lack of an attractive figure made her believe that she had more options finding women than men. This was his craziness in thinking. In my heart, I believe that he feared people would question his carefully hidden sexuality if they knew she was gay. As usual, it was always about him. And yet, in some of his more vulnerable moments, he would admit that he was glad that she was comfortable with her sexuality, even if he wasn’t comfortable with his.
Last July, my daughter fell in love with a woman. They were both in programs at that point and met through the recovery community. There is a rule in the recovery world that states people should avoid romantic relationships until they are clean for at least a year. This is based on statistics that show people who get romantically involved with other people in recovery during the first year are likely to relapse together under pressure. Go tell that to a young woman whose hormones are raging and need to feel love and security are at their height. Jennifer knew the rule but couldn’t abide by it. She had a string of involvements over the past few years, but none that lasted for any length of time until she met Raina. Raina had been clean for eleven months. It didn’t take long for them to fall down together shortly after they met. I accepted this woman as if she were my own daughter, even though her own family had abandoned her. She took care of Jennifer the best that she could. They were totally intertwined in their love and their addiction. They would try to pull each other up, and then they would knock each other down.
I certainly don’t blame Raina for my daughter’s demise. Jennifer did that all on her own. She developed hepatitis and a bowel instruction brought on by the heroin. This was also complicated by chronic asthma. In the end, her drug-ravaged body just gave out.
There is a point I would like to make in sharing this story with you. Over the past two weeks since this tragedy, I have been processing a lot of emotional feelings, which is natural under the circumstances. When my moments of rationale surpass my emotionalism, I sit down and add to this tribute because my thoughts are clearer. I think one of the best gifts I gave my daughter throughout her life was unconditional love regardless of who she was or what she did. I also feel a great sense of relief that my daughter didn’t have to struggle with one additional problem in her short-lived life, namely her sexuality. I never made her hide her tattoo or gave her any indication that I loved her any less or differently because she was a lesbian. She was very appreciative and stated that to me during numerous conversations between the two of us and with her friends. I embraced her girlfriends and never made them feel like I judged them because I did not. I was proud that my daughter felt comfortable in who she was, at least sexually. Being gay did not turn her into a drug addict. As I said earlier, I was always able to separate my anger of what my ex-husband did to me during and after our marriage from my feelings about homosexuality. Because I could do this, I have hundreds of wonderful memories to carry with me through the empty years ahead.
There is something you can learn from my experience and tragedy. Homosexuality is not a choice. Don’t transfer your personal anger against your gay husband to your children in terms of the sexuality issue. You don’t know how the sexuality of your children will end up. If they sense your hostility towards homosexuality, it may create years of hardship for them to come to terms with themselves, just like it happened to your husband. It can also alienate you from having a loving relationship with your children.
I know I’ve passed this message on before, but now, more than ever, it needs to be said again.
My daughter, Jennifer, age 22, died on April 14, 2002. Her young life was snuffed out due to medical complications from a serious drug addiction that overtook her life starting three-and-a-half years ago. For this reason, the April newsletter that comes out mid-month was delayed.
I would like to thank the dozens of people who were alerted through the various Straight Spouse groups who sent me beautiful messages of warmth and comfort. Your words have been overwhelmingly supportive and kind. The members of my own on-line support group have been extremely generous in their love and support. I would like to take a few moments to share some personal thoughts about the relationship between my daughter and me in hopes that it will shed some insight to those of you who are part of this large network.
As I reflect on the years that I had my daughter, I can say with good feelings that I take comfort knowing that I did everything humanly possible to help her through her troubled years. When I first learned of her addiction two months before the age of 19, I immediately admitted her into a drug recovery program, the first of a dozen or so that she entered and dropped from until her death. It was during this first stint that I learned that Jennifer was a lesbian. She did not reveal this information to me. Rather I found out from some of her friends when she ran away from the program with another young lady during her second month there. When she came to visit me several days later, I asked her why she never told me about her sexuality. I felt hurt that I had to find it out from her friends because she didn’t trust me enough to tell me. When she responded that she was afraid of hurting me, I was very confused and asked her why.
I had raised my daughter to be understanding and tolerant of homosexuality. From the time she was a young child, I was very careful to project positive images of gay people. I developed some wonderful gay friends through my support group in the 1980’s who were part of her life. I was very emphatic in telling her that gay people had no choice in their homosexuality—they were born that way. I felt the need to reinforce that regularly for two reasons. First, I never wanted her to feel that her father “chose” homosexuality over his family. It was difficult enough living in a homophobic world without thinking that a father would prefer that way of life if given a choice. But more importantly, I knew statistically that children with a gay parent had a higher chance of being gay themselves. My years of research had proven that to me. I believe that gay is genetic, and it would only follow that the gene could be passed on to some of the children. I was always able to separate my anger towards my ex-husband’s irresponsibility from homosexuality.
My daughter’s response: “Mom, I didn’t want to hurt you because I know how much dad has put you through.” I was stumped. I asked her if I ever led her to believe that I had a problem with homosexuality. She said, “Absolutely not.” I next asked her if she thought I would be disappointed that she was a lesbian. She replied, “I’m not sure.” No matter how accepting I felt about homosexuality, and no matter how many times I said it would never bother me if my children were gay, she wasn’t sure when it became a reality if I would feel the same way.
Truthfully, I was initially numb when I found out that Jennifer was a lesbian. Was I happy about it? No. But it wasn’t because of homosexuality. I just knew how much harder life would be for her as a gay person. But, after the initial numbness passed in a day or two, I fell into an easy acceptance. Homosexuality was never an issue for me when it came to my daughter. Her drug problem was my only concern. I embraced all of her girlfriends over the next three years hoping she would find one that would give her a greater sense of stability and happiness.
Some people have asked me if I thought my daughter’s drug habit resulted from her homosexuality. After all, drugs and alcohol are a common problem in the gay community. That’s because the pain of being gay is too difficult for many who don’t have accepting mothers. This was not Jennifer’s case. She had no problem being a lesbian. That was one area of her life that she was totally comfortable and happy about. She had a large “PRIDE” tattoo engraved on her arm several years ago with all of the rainbow colors. She became active in the gay recovery movement during the times when she was clean. In fact, last year when she had her longest clean period of six months, she worked at the drug recovery booth at the Philadelphia Gay Pride parade. She laughed at the end of the day when she brought me a bunch of leftover flavored condoms she gave out at the booth saying, “Ma, you need these more than I do.”
When I think back to the day I revealed my daughter’s homosexuality to my ex-husband shortly after I first learned about it, I remember the great irony of that moment. He went on a screaming rampage that shocked even me. He started yelling, “How could she do this?” He then went on to blurt out a number of obscenities. I was really stumped. He was sure that it the drugs were turning her “temporarily” gay. Over the next few years, he came up with numerous theories about Jennifer’s homosexuality and tried to convince her that it was just a “passing phase” that would change if she overcame her addiction. He was embarrassed by Jennifer’s comfort with her sexuality because he was so uncomfortable with his own homosexuality. When she would visit him and he had company, he would ask her to cover the tattoo. He constantly bemoaned the fact that now she wouldn’t have grandchildren, and periodically kept hoping that she would at least meet a man and have a grandchild to carry on his legacy. What can I say?
The funniest thing is he would occasionally try to blame me for Jennifer’s homosexuality stating that I must have been too much of an “overbearing mother,” similar to the one he had. My ex just didn’t buy into the genetic inborn thing when it concerned him. He made sure to tell me on various occasions, “Don’t try to blame me. It has nothing to do with me. After all, I wasn’t born gay.” He always feels better thinking that he was “made” gay and not born that way. I never blamed him, I just stated my feelings that it was a passed on gene. Homosexuality is not a “fault” to be blamed on anyone. People have no control over this anymore than they have control over their eye color.
` When my ex wasn’t blaming the drugs, he would blame her appearance. Jennifer was a heavy-set young woman and he believed her lack of an attractive figure made her believe that she had more options finding women than men. This was his craziness in thinking. In my heart, I believe that he feared people would question his carefully hidden sexuality if they knew she was gay. As usual, it was always about him. And yet, in some of his more vulnerable moments, he would admit that he was glad that she was comfortable with her sexuality, even if he wasn’t comfortable with his.
Last July, my daughter fell in love with a woman. They were both in programs at that point and met through the recovery community. There is a rule in the recovery world that states people should avoid romantic relationships until they are clean for at least a year. This is based on statistics that show people who get romantically involved with other people in recovery during the first year are likely to relapse together under pressure. Go tell that to a young woman whose hormones are raging and need to feel love and security are at their height. Jennifer knew the rule but couldn’t abide by it. She had a string of involvements over the past few years, but none that lasted for any length of time until she met Raina. Raina had been clean for eleven months. It didn’t take long for them to fall down together shortly after they met. I accepted this woman as if she were my own daughter, even though her own family had abandoned her. She took care of Jennifer the best that she could. They were totally intertwined in their love and their addiction. They would try to pull each other up, and then they would knock each other down.
I certainly don’t blame Raina for my daughter’s demise. Jennifer did that all on her own. She developed hepatitis and a bowel instruction brought on by the heroin. This was also complicated by chronic asthma. In the end, her drug-ravaged body just gave out.
There is a point I would like to make in sharing this story with you. Over the past two weeks since this tragedy, I have been processing a lot of emotional feelings, which is natural under the circumstances. When my moments of rationale surpass my emotionalism, I sit down and add to this tribute because my thoughts are clearer. I think one of the best gifts I gave my daughter throughout her life was unconditional love regardless of who she was or what she did. I also feel a great sense of relief that my daughter didn’t have to struggle with one additional problem in her short-lived life, namely her sexuality. I never made her hide her tattoo or gave her any indication that I loved her any less or differently because she was a lesbian. She was very appreciative and stated that to me during numerous conversations between the two of us and with her friends. I embraced her girlfriends and never made them feel like I judged them because I did not. I was proud that my daughter felt comfortable in who she was, at least sexually. Being gay did not turn her into a drug addict. As I said earlier, I was always able to separate my anger of what my ex-husband did to me during and after our marriage from my feelings about homosexuality. Because I could do this, I have hundreds of wonderful memories to carry with me through the empty years ahead.
There is something you can learn from my experience and tragedy. Homosexuality is not a choice. Don’t transfer your personal anger against your gay husband to your children in terms of the sexuality issue. You don’t know how the sexuality of your children will end up. If they sense your hostility towards homosexuality, it may create years of hardship for them to come to terms with themselves, just like it happened to your husband. It can also alienate you from having a loving relationship with your children.
I know I’ve passed this message on before, but now, more than ever, it needs to be said again.
Friday, March 1, 2002
"LOW SELF-ESTEEM ISSUE." MARCH, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 13
LOW SELF-ESTEEM ISSUE
I can never talk enough about the issue of self-esteem. When I reflect back now, at the age of 50, I can honestly say that I have spent a lifetime building up my own self-esteem. I can trace this back to my early childhood days when I was always the “chubby” girl. Eventually I transitioned from being a chunky teenager to being an obese adult. I have spent my adult years being fat. There have only been short periods of perhaps several years from time to time when I was heavy instead of obese.
When I met my gay husband, I was physically at the best point of my adult life. I had lost over 100 pounds and I was feeling and looking good. My self-esteem and confidence was at a new height. I was NOT desperate when I met him, so I can’t use that as an excuse of why I married a gay man. Like almost all of us, I honestly did not know that he was gay. It’s that simple. He made sure to let me know that he wasn’t by yelling up a storm when I mentioned a friend of mine suspected that he may be “bisexual.” I remember that feeling of total relief when he stood up in the middle of the restaurant and nearly turned the table over in sheer anger. Ah, the man was protesting—and it couldn’t be nearly enough--forget too much.
Why would I even think he was gay? He was tall, athletic, very handsome and extremely charming. We had sex in those early days. It wasn’t the best sex, but it wasn’t that bad either. I had worse in the previous years, and I believe that all of them weren’t gay.
My ex-husband married me because he loved me and wanted to have all of the things that straight men had. And in his mind, at that time, he was NOT gay. Yes, he had gay sex. Yes, he had a string of sexual encounters with men before we married. But in his mind, he believed that he was straight because there was no emotional commitment to these men. He enjoyed women and dated his fair share of them. And he believed that sexually he could pull it off as long as he loved someone enough. Through the years, I have come to terms with the fact that most of these gay men really don’t believe in their hearts that they are gay when they marry us. They can have gay sex galore, but they are not gay in their minds. They don’t even view themselves as Bisexual, just straight men dabbling with same sex encounters. Go figure.
Getting back on track here, I married a man who was mentally abusive to me. Not all gay husbands take this route, but many of them do. They are frustrated with life because they are living a lie, and the one they lash out at is the one responsible for living this lie in their minds—namely, us. Yes, I know it makes no sense at all, but that’s just the way it is. Even though my self-esteem was quite high when I got married, it didn’t take long for it to get battered back into oblivion within a relatively short amount of time. I was on a temporary high when I met my husband. I was feeling good about myself for the first time in my 28 years of life. I had not even had two solid years of good feelings about myself before this marriage. That means that I had numerous years of personal insecurity, loneliness, poor self-image, and peer-inflicted pain scars from adolescence that carried over into adulthood.
I was the girl who was picked last to be on whatever sports team that gym class played on any given day. I lacked the motor coordination to be an effective sportswoman, and my excess weight slowed down my athletic abilities. It was pretty heartbreaking and humiliating knowing that you would always be the last or almost last person picked. I was the girl who never got asked to dances or proms. I was the girl who didn’t have dates on the weekend because the guys I wanted didn’t want me. They wanted the pretty cheerleaders or the girls who radiated confidence. I was the girl who fell in love so often but always had her heart broken time after time when some girl who was prettier, thinner, or more graceful crossed my path. Ultimately, I was the girl who got left out. There were so many of us when I was growing up, but that didn’t make me feel any better. I wanted so badly to be someone worth loving, but that didn’t seem within my reach.
For that reason, I made poor choices in relationships from early in the game. I just wanted to be wanted to badly, that I was willing to “settle” for guys, later men, who were not worthy of having a relationship with anyone. They were men who had value systems that were different than mine, but yet, my desperation kept me moving in their direction because they seemed more obtainable.
In my mid-twenties, I was nearly 270 pounds and at five feet tall, I wasn’t long for the world. I began to care about living after having extensive chest pains, and started to lose weight. First I lost it in a healthy manner; then I developed an eating disorder when the healthy way just stopped working very well. Within 18 months, I lost approximately 130 pounds so I was feeling quite good about myself. I was never thin, but I was looking good, feeling good, and doing quite well in life. I was very vain at that point, and that was fine too. It was time for me to finally feel good about myself. Professionally, I was where I wanted to be, and personally, I was testing out the waters and looking for the right somebody to love.
Maybe if I had married a wonderful supportive man, my self-esteem building process would have continued on an upward trend. But instead, I found a man who was down right cruel who used to find great pleasure in knocking me down whenever I dared to stand up to question any of his unusual behaviors. This was his way of fighting back. My ex wasn’t really a bad man, he was just a sad man. He was sad because his life was falling apart being married to me. He was lying all over the place to cover his tracks, and every time I would uncover just one little crack, he became so angry. He was trying to tie that web of lies together but I seemed to be untangling them faster than he could tie them.
Rather than accept responsibility for his misactions, my ex would yell and scream about my inadequacies. He would magnify every molehill into a mountain when it came to my imperfections, making me believe that I was the awkward, gawky, overweight teenager all over again. I didn’t have enough “ self-confidence” time accumulated to make me believe differently. After a while, I bought into all of the lies that my husband kept telling me about me as he shredded away the few good years of feeling good and reverted me back to my original form of feeling inadequate.
And so once again, I found my comfort in food and started putting back my weight, one pound at a time. When I became pregnant, I looked at it as a license to eat all I wanted because the weight would come off after the baby was born. That’s what people kept telling me. I did gain 70 pounds during those months feasting on Baskin Robbins ice cream daily by the gallon. When my premature daughter was born and weighed less than five pounds, that’s what came off my body. And although in time I was able to take off half that amount gained, I regained it when I was pregnant with my son. I was once again a fat woman.
When my husband told me that he couldn’t make love to me because I was too fat, well, that seemed reasonable to me. At that point, I didn’t think much of myself so why would I expect a man to think much of me? It sounded so logical and made so much sense.
I say this first of all because I receive letters from so many women who write to me and tell me that they are 20, 40, 60, 80, or 100 pounds overweight. They didn’t start out that way in their marriage for the most part, but ended up that way due to frustration. Some of them had childhoods like mine where weight was a factor, but many of them never had a weight problem until during the marriage. They usually throw into their letters that marriage caused them to overeat because there was nothing else giving them much satisfaction on the home front. And as they gained weight,
I am sure that their husbands secretly cheered on the weight gain because now they had a new reason to retreat in the bedroom—namely, fat. Now fat became the natural enemy and justification for lack of passion, as if there was ever much passion to start with. Like my husband told me shortly before we split up, “Who would ever want to sleep with someone who looked like you? Have you looked at yourself lately in a mirror? If I became gay, who could blame me?” OUCH, with all capital letters. There were lots of tears that flowed from my eyes after that conversation. My ex had a wonderful talent for destroying any residual good feelings I had left from days of old. There was nothing left by the time he was done with me except a sense of survival—to find a way to survive without him in my life.
When I first started my local support group, the first two women who joined were also fat. I will not cover up that word and make it into something that it’s not. I don’t use that word to be insulting, but rather to be honest. I don’t need a bunch of “feel good” words about what I am. I feel good about myself now even if I am fat. It’s amazing what a wonderful straight man can do for your sense of self-worth. My soulmate hasn’t noticed the weight gain I’ve made over the eight plus years we’ve been together. He still thinks I’m beautiful and makes me feel that way about myself.
But, getting back to the point, I thought at first it must be a thing that women of weight encounter because my first two group members were big women. But after that, I was shocked to find how many thin women who were beautiful, attractive, and graceful women by society’s standards were in the same situation. As many of you know from my book, I still have my theories on the prototype of woman that a gay man seeks out when he wants to get married. One of the prototypes is a woman with low self-esteem. There are so many of us and we are all such easy targets. However, what I learned is that self-esteem is often something that women have within themselves from what’s going on inside, not outside.
I recently corresponded with a lovely woman who read my book last year. She thanked me for giving her the key to the problem in her life. She is an airline stewardess who is viewed by men as beautiful. And yet, after nine years with her hands-off husband, she felt as deflated as the rest of us. She has now moved on in her life and feels wonderful about it. I hear from many women just like this-- women who have never had self-esteem issues over their looks. Over this year alone, I have worked with three models, two in New York and one in California who certainly didn’t have a problem with their physical appearance. And yet, all of their external physical beauty didn’t help them feel beautiful inside. Within this same time frame, I have helped women who were doctors, lawyers, nurses, stockbrokers, professors at universities, a CEO in a Fortune 500 company, and a Broadway actress. Certainly they had accomplished enough in their professional lives to be admired by the masses for their intelligence and status. And yet, they felt just as horrible about themselves as I used to feel about myself. It seems as if having a gay husband is the great equalizer among women of all sizes, shapes, colors, professions, economic situations and societal boundaries.
I guess what I’m getting to is simply this. If the beautiful women who had high self-esteem throughout their lives can fall into this dark and lonely hole, what chance do women like me--who by society’s standards have imperfections creating emotional baggage--have? If a woman who held her head high all of her life can have hers chopped off the block, why would I expect mine not to be in the same pile only squashed down a little more?
I talk about this because women write to me constantly looking for excuses of why their gay husbands may have been turned off to them. They write about their torment of how hard they tried to be better wives by dieting which sometimes led to eating disorders, having breast implants, liposuction, plastic surgery, changes in hair color, and so many other things to try to physically change their husbands’ desire for them. It’s almost as if they are still apologizing or looking for reasons why they were at fault. And their pain becomes my pain. I hurt for every woman who has to spend one extra minute not feeling good about herself because she has failed with her gay husband.
In my last newsletter, I wrote about the long awaited conversation that I had with my ex-husband that brought closure to our misunderstandings. I think that these are the feelings that our gay husbands and ex-husbands have to know and understand. It’s not just the superficial damage or the obvious problems that result from these mismarriages. It’s the internal damage and scaring that they just don’t have a clue about.
I can forgive any gay husband for being gay. That is not a conscientious decision, nor is marriage a calculated move of deceit to punish some loving woman. And I acknowledge how difficult it is for gay men to come to terms with their homosexuality during a marriage. However, what I can’t forgive is the cruelty that they display to their wives while going through their own hardships. And even when they are able to be honest and move on in their lives, they somehow lack the understanding of what we are left to deal with. They feel we should just be able to “get over it” as if we can walk away from the damaging years unscathed. Well, we can’t and we don’t. And perhaps when they can recognize this and try to undo some of the damage that they caused, a better understanding will come about between wives and gay husbands or ex-husbands. There is great comfort in knowing that your gay man understands that the hurt goes much deeper than just superficial cutting. And when he can comprehend that and tell you that he is sorry for the internal damage he has done to you, then you will finally be able to start to heal—and even start to forgive.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
I can never talk enough about the issue of self-esteem. When I reflect back now, at the age of 50, I can honestly say that I have spent a lifetime building up my own self-esteem. I can trace this back to my early childhood days when I was always the “chubby” girl. Eventually I transitioned from being a chunky teenager to being an obese adult. I have spent my adult years being fat. There have only been short periods of perhaps several years from time to time when I was heavy instead of obese.
When I met my gay husband, I was physically at the best point of my adult life. I had lost over 100 pounds and I was feeling and looking good. My self-esteem and confidence was at a new height. I was NOT desperate when I met him, so I can’t use that as an excuse of why I married a gay man. Like almost all of us, I honestly did not know that he was gay. It’s that simple. He made sure to let me know that he wasn’t by yelling up a storm when I mentioned a friend of mine suspected that he may be “bisexual.” I remember that feeling of total relief when he stood up in the middle of the restaurant and nearly turned the table over in sheer anger. Ah, the man was protesting—and it couldn’t be nearly enough--forget too much.
Why would I even think he was gay? He was tall, athletic, very handsome and extremely charming. We had sex in those early days. It wasn’t the best sex, but it wasn’t that bad either. I had worse in the previous years, and I believe that all of them weren’t gay.
My ex-husband married me because he loved me and wanted to have all of the things that straight men had. And in his mind, at that time, he was NOT gay. Yes, he had gay sex. Yes, he had a string of sexual encounters with men before we married. But in his mind, he believed that he was straight because there was no emotional commitment to these men. He enjoyed women and dated his fair share of them. And he believed that sexually he could pull it off as long as he loved someone enough. Through the years, I have come to terms with the fact that most of these gay men really don’t believe in their hearts that they are gay when they marry us. They can have gay sex galore, but they are not gay in their minds. They don’t even view themselves as Bisexual, just straight men dabbling with same sex encounters. Go figure.
Getting back on track here, I married a man who was mentally abusive to me. Not all gay husbands take this route, but many of them do. They are frustrated with life because they are living a lie, and the one they lash out at is the one responsible for living this lie in their minds—namely, us. Yes, I know it makes no sense at all, but that’s just the way it is. Even though my self-esteem was quite high when I got married, it didn’t take long for it to get battered back into oblivion within a relatively short amount of time. I was on a temporary high when I met my husband. I was feeling good about myself for the first time in my 28 years of life. I had not even had two solid years of good feelings about myself before this marriage. That means that I had numerous years of personal insecurity, loneliness, poor self-image, and peer-inflicted pain scars from adolescence that carried over into adulthood.
I was the girl who was picked last to be on whatever sports team that gym class played on any given day. I lacked the motor coordination to be an effective sportswoman, and my excess weight slowed down my athletic abilities. It was pretty heartbreaking and humiliating knowing that you would always be the last or almost last person picked. I was the girl who never got asked to dances or proms. I was the girl who didn’t have dates on the weekend because the guys I wanted didn’t want me. They wanted the pretty cheerleaders or the girls who radiated confidence. I was the girl who fell in love so often but always had her heart broken time after time when some girl who was prettier, thinner, or more graceful crossed my path. Ultimately, I was the girl who got left out. There were so many of us when I was growing up, but that didn’t make me feel any better. I wanted so badly to be someone worth loving, but that didn’t seem within my reach.
For that reason, I made poor choices in relationships from early in the game. I just wanted to be wanted to badly, that I was willing to “settle” for guys, later men, who were not worthy of having a relationship with anyone. They were men who had value systems that were different than mine, but yet, my desperation kept me moving in their direction because they seemed more obtainable.
In my mid-twenties, I was nearly 270 pounds and at five feet tall, I wasn’t long for the world. I began to care about living after having extensive chest pains, and started to lose weight. First I lost it in a healthy manner; then I developed an eating disorder when the healthy way just stopped working very well. Within 18 months, I lost approximately 130 pounds so I was feeling quite good about myself. I was never thin, but I was looking good, feeling good, and doing quite well in life. I was very vain at that point, and that was fine too. It was time for me to finally feel good about myself. Professionally, I was where I wanted to be, and personally, I was testing out the waters and looking for the right somebody to love.
Maybe if I had married a wonderful supportive man, my self-esteem building process would have continued on an upward trend. But instead, I found a man who was down right cruel who used to find great pleasure in knocking me down whenever I dared to stand up to question any of his unusual behaviors. This was his way of fighting back. My ex wasn’t really a bad man, he was just a sad man. He was sad because his life was falling apart being married to me. He was lying all over the place to cover his tracks, and every time I would uncover just one little crack, he became so angry. He was trying to tie that web of lies together but I seemed to be untangling them faster than he could tie them.
Rather than accept responsibility for his misactions, my ex would yell and scream about my inadequacies. He would magnify every molehill into a mountain when it came to my imperfections, making me believe that I was the awkward, gawky, overweight teenager all over again. I didn’t have enough “ self-confidence” time accumulated to make me believe differently. After a while, I bought into all of the lies that my husband kept telling me about me as he shredded away the few good years of feeling good and reverted me back to my original form of feeling inadequate.
And so once again, I found my comfort in food and started putting back my weight, one pound at a time. When I became pregnant, I looked at it as a license to eat all I wanted because the weight would come off after the baby was born. That’s what people kept telling me. I did gain 70 pounds during those months feasting on Baskin Robbins ice cream daily by the gallon. When my premature daughter was born and weighed less than five pounds, that’s what came off my body. And although in time I was able to take off half that amount gained, I regained it when I was pregnant with my son. I was once again a fat woman.
When my husband told me that he couldn’t make love to me because I was too fat, well, that seemed reasonable to me. At that point, I didn’t think much of myself so why would I expect a man to think much of me? It sounded so logical and made so much sense.
I say this first of all because I receive letters from so many women who write to me and tell me that they are 20, 40, 60, 80, or 100 pounds overweight. They didn’t start out that way in their marriage for the most part, but ended up that way due to frustration. Some of them had childhoods like mine where weight was a factor, but many of them never had a weight problem until during the marriage. They usually throw into their letters that marriage caused them to overeat because there was nothing else giving them much satisfaction on the home front. And as they gained weight,
I am sure that their husbands secretly cheered on the weight gain because now they had a new reason to retreat in the bedroom—namely, fat. Now fat became the natural enemy and justification for lack of passion, as if there was ever much passion to start with. Like my husband told me shortly before we split up, “Who would ever want to sleep with someone who looked like you? Have you looked at yourself lately in a mirror? If I became gay, who could blame me?” OUCH, with all capital letters. There were lots of tears that flowed from my eyes after that conversation. My ex had a wonderful talent for destroying any residual good feelings I had left from days of old. There was nothing left by the time he was done with me except a sense of survival—to find a way to survive without him in my life.
When I first started my local support group, the first two women who joined were also fat. I will not cover up that word and make it into something that it’s not. I don’t use that word to be insulting, but rather to be honest. I don’t need a bunch of “feel good” words about what I am. I feel good about myself now even if I am fat. It’s amazing what a wonderful straight man can do for your sense of self-worth. My soulmate hasn’t noticed the weight gain I’ve made over the eight plus years we’ve been together. He still thinks I’m beautiful and makes me feel that way about myself.
But, getting back to the point, I thought at first it must be a thing that women of weight encounter because my first two group members were big women. But after that, I was shocked to find how many thin women who were beautiful, attractive, and graceful women by society’s standards were in the same situation. As many of you know from my book, I still have my theories on the prototype of woman that a gay man seeks out when he wants to get married. One of the prototypes is a woman with low self-esteem. There are so many of us and we are all such easy targets. However, what I learned is that self-esteem is often something that women have within themselves from what’s going on inside, not outside.
I recently corresponded with a lovely woman who read my book last year. She thanked me for giving her the key to the problem in her life. She is an airline stewardess who is viewed by men as beautiful. And yet, after nine years with her hands-off husband, she felt as deflated as the rest of us. She has now moved on in her life and feels wonderful about it. I hear from many women just like this-- women who have never had self-esteem issues over their looks. Over this year alone, I have worked with three models, two in New York and one in California who certainly didn’t have a problem with their physical appearance. And yet, all of their external physical beauty didn’t help them feel beautiful inside. Within this same time frame, I have helped women who were doctors, lawyers, nurses, stockbrokers, professors at universities, a CEO in a Fortune 500 company, and a Broadway actress. Certainly they had accomplished enough in their professional lives to be admired by the masses for their intelligence and status. And yet, they felt just as horrible about themselves as I used to feel about myself. It seems as if having a gay husband is the great equalizer among women of all sizes, shapes, colors, professions, economic situations and societal boundaries.
I guess what I’m getting to is simply this. If the beautiful women who had high self-esteem throughout their lives can fall into this dark and lonely hole, what chance do women like me--who by society’s standards have imperfections creating emotional baggage--have? If a woman who held her head high all of her life can have hers chopped off the block, why would I expect mine not to be in the same pile only squashed down a little more?
I talk about this because women write to me constantly looking for excuses of why their gay husbands may have been turned off to them. They write about their torment of how hard they tried to be better wives by dieting which sometimes led to eating disorders, having breast implants, liposuction, plastic surgery, changes in hair color, and so many other things to try to physically change their husbands’ desire for them. It’s almost as if they are still apologizing or looking for reasons why they were at fault. And their pain becomes my pain. I hurt for every woman who has to spend one extra minute not feeling good about herself because she has failed with her gay husband.
In my last newsletter, I wrote about the long awaited conversation that I had with my ex-husband that brought closure to our misunderstandings. I think that these are the feelings that our gay husbands and ex-husbands have to know and understand. It’s not just the superficial damage or the obvious problems that result from these mismarriages. It’s the internal damage and scaring that they just don’t have a clue about.
I can forgive any gay husband for being gay. That is not a conscientious decision, nor is marriage a calculated move of deceit to punish some loving woman. And I acknowledge how difficult it is for gay men to come to terms with their homosexuality during a marriage. However, what I can’t forgive is the cruelty that they display to their wives while going through their own hardships. And even when they are able to be honest and move on in their lives, they somehow lack the understanding of what we are left to deal with. They feel we should just be able to “get over it” as if we can walk away from the damaging years unscathed. Well, we can’t and we don’t. And perhaps when they can recognize this and try to undo some of the damage that they caused, a better understanding will come about between wives and gay husbands or ex-husbands. There is great comfort in knowing that your gay man understands that the hurt goes much deeper than just superficial cutting. And when he can comprehend that and tell you that he is sorry for the internal damage he has done to you, then you will finally be able to start to heal—and even start to forgive.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter MARCH, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 13
ANOTHER EXPLANATION TO THE SEX THING
In the last issue, I spoke about the recent healing conversation that I had with my ex-husband. In that article, I asked my ex about our sex life when we first met and how he was able to “pull it off” in the beginning. He explained how in his 20’s, when we met and married, he could become sexually aroused because sex under any circumstances was something that could “feel good.” Add into it a mix of emotional attachment and determination to be straight, and all things were possible, at least for a short time.
My friend Dina, from the AOL Str8 Spouses of Gays and Lesbians organization, sent me a much better and detailed explanation that she had discovered a few years ago. I asked her for her permission to share it with you because I think it sheds the best insight that I have found to date:
In late adolescence, young adulthood up to about 30's, a guy is driven by raging hormones and need for release - basically he could "do it" with anything or anyone just to get off. As time goes on, and they are not as driven biologically, they have to supplement the drive with some fantasy thrown in - that's the time when the male fantasies become prevalent. In turn it becomes harder and harder to get turned on "normally" and eventually even the male fantasies are no longer able to make him perform.
That is usually the "crisis" that leads them to actively fool around and/or eventually come out and leave. I think this is a good point to make to those straights who rationalize that if husbands can perform or could at some time that is an indication that they were not "totally" gay blah, blah, blah. Bottom line folks is that they could perform at a point in time when they did no discrimination at all....we were just one step better than taking matters into one's own hands!
Thanks, Dina, for that insightful explanation. I think this clarifies the situation for so many women who can’t understand how their gay husbands are able to have sex with them in the beginning, but not sustain it throughout the marriage.
Some women wrote to me asking me to discuss the “Psychological Sexual Warfare Games” that their husbands play with them. That’s my coined terminology to these demoralizing situations. Some gay men keep the games going in order to divert the thoughts of confirmed suspicions. This happens usually once the wife accuses her husband of being gay, or when he knows that she is barking up the right tree, as the saying goes. By this time, the wife is usually totally turned off to the thought of having a sexual encounter with her husband. This is when he turns on the charm and amorous moves.
Now, the gay husband knows that his wife knows, at least on some level. He also knows that it has been a long road of unfulfilling sexual experiences over a number of years. And he also knows at this point that the last thing his wife wants is sex—at least with him. That’s when he starts to touch her knee, her shoulder, hold her close, make the overtures, and goes for the gold. He is now an Olympiad in wimps clothing. He knows that it is a safe bet that he is going to be running a solo act here, because there’s no way his wife is going to respond to his tainted touch.
The worst part is that now he claims the victor’s spoils. Now he starts throwing those accusations around like a Herculean master yelling, “Whenever I want to have sex you reject me,” or “Don’t ever say I didn’t try. It’s not my fault that we don’t have a sex life.” And that’s how he weaves the web of self-doubt again. Just when you are so sure that he is gay, well, maybe he’s not. Maybe he’s changing. Maybe it’s your fault. Maybe if you had been more receptive to him through the years. Maybe you were reading him wrong. Maybe all of that evidence that you compiled really did belong to someone else, right?
Wrong. It’s a game. It’s a game of desperation because you have gotten too close to the truth and he knows it. Some of these guys just love to catch you off-guard. It gives them great pleasure to keep you confused while they are trying to figure themselves out. Or, if they have figured themselves out, they want to make sure that you don’t because it leads to the potential disaster of hurting them. And that’s why they do it.
I always tell women that if your husband tries this, don’t get too spooked out. Expect it, but don’t sweat it. By the point in the marriage that this happens, it’s almost guaranteed that if you would turn around and say, “Let’s do it dear,” he would develop a sudden crippling backache or migraine headache. He is making a calculated guess that you will say no. By this time, you’ve already been stripped of your sexual esteem, and one calculated shot in the dark isn’t going to restore it. You know that, and so does he. That’s why he feels confident in “offering” you something that he thinks you want so badly emotionally but knows you will reject physically. .
And feel free to laugh when he throws up in your face, “I was always the one who wanted sex. You’re the one who is cold blooded.” Ha ha. You don’t have to laugh a big, boisterous howl, just a little ha-ha will get the point across. Then go back to doing something that would be far more interesting than having sex with your gay husband—like washing the dishes or ironing the clothes. At least you know when you do something like this, it will turn out right!
In the last issue, I spoke about the recent healing conversation that I had with my ex-husband. In that article, I asked my ex about our sex life when we first met and how he was able to “pull it off” in the beginning. He explained how in his 20’s, when we met and married, he could become sexually aroused because sex under any circumstances was something that could “feel good.” Add into it a mix of emotional attachment and determination to be straight, and all things were possible, at least for a short time.
My friend Dina, from the AOL Str8 Spouses of Gays and Lesbians organization, sent me a much better and detailed explanation that she had discovered a few years ago. I asked her for her permission to share it with you because I think it sheds the best insight that I have found to date:
In late adolescence, young adulthood up to about 30's, a guy is driven by raging hormones and need for release - basically he could "do it" with anything or anyone just to get off. As time goes on, and they are not as driven biologically, they have to supplement the drive with some fantasy thrown in - that's the time when the male fantasies become prevalent. In turn it becomes harder and harder to get turned on "normally" and eventually even the male fantasies are no longer able to make him perform.
That is usually the "crisis" that leads them to actively fool around and/or eventually come out and leave. I think this is a good point to make to those straights who rationalize that if husbands can perform or could at some time that is an indication that they were not "totally" gay blah, blah, blah. Bottom line folks is that they could perform at a point in time when they did no discrimination at all....we were just one step better than taking matters into one's own hands!
Thanks, Dina, for that insightful explanation. I think this clarifies the situation for so many women who can’t understand how their gay husbands are able to have sex with them in the beginning, but not sustain it throughout the marriage.
Some women wrote to me asking me to discuss the “Psychological Sexual Warfare Games” that their husbands play with them. That’s my coined terminology to these demoralizing situations. Some gay men keep the games going in order to divert the thoughts of confirmed suspicions. This happens usually once the wife accuses her husband of being gay, or when he knows that she is barking up the right tree, as the saying goes. By this time, the wife is usually totally turned off to the thought of having a sexual encounter with her husband. This is when he turns on the charm and amorous moves.
Now, the gay husband knows that his wife knows, at least on some level. He also knows that it has been a long road of unfulfilling sexual experiences over a number of years. And he also knows at this point that the last thing his wife wants is sex—at least with him. That’s when he starts to touch her knee, her shoulder, hold her close, make the overtures, and goes for the gold. He is now an Olympiad in wimps clothing. He knows that it is a safe bet that he is going to be running a solo act here, because there’s no way his wife is going to respond to his tainted touch.
The worst part is that now he claims the victor’s spoils. Now he starts throwing those accusations around like a Herculean master yelling, “Whenever I want to have sex you reject me,” or “Don’t ever say I didn’t try. It’s not my fault that we don’t have a sex life.” And that’s how he weaves the web of self-doubt again. Just when you are so sure that he is gay, well, maybe he’s not. Maybe he’s changing. Maybe it’s your fault. Maybe if you had been more receptive to him through the years. Maybe you were reading him wrong. Maybe all of that evidence that you compiled really did belong to someone else, right?
Wrong. It’s a game. It’s a game of desperation because you have gotten too close to the truth and he knows it. Some of these guys just love to catch you off-guard. It gives them great pleasure to keep you confused while they are trying to figure themselves out. Or, if they have figured themselves out, they want to make sure that you don’t because it leads to the potential disaster of hurting them. And that’s why they do it.
I always tell women that if your husband tries this, don’t get too spooked out. Expect it, but don’t sweat it. By the point in the marriage that this happens, it’s almost guaranteed that if you would turn around and say, “Let’s do it dear,” he would develop a sudden crippling backache or migraine headache. He is making a calculated guess that you will say no. By this time, you’ve already been stripped of your sexual esteem, and one calculated shot in the dark isn’t going to restore it. You know that, and so does he. That’s why he feels confident in “offering” you something that he thinks you want so badly emotionally but knows you will reject physically. .
And feel free to laugh when he throws up in your face, “I was always the one who wanted sex. You’re the one who is cold blooded.” Ha ha. You don’t have to laugh a big, boisterous howl, just a little ha-ha will get the point across. Then go back to doing something that would be far more interesting than having sex with your gay husband—like washing the dishes or ironing the clothes. At least you know when you do something like this, it will turn out right!
Saturday, February 2, 2002
February, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 12 MAILBAG
MAILBAG
Dear Bonnie,
I anxiously await your newsletter each month and it has been so helpful and true. I would just like to comment on two points that you brought up in this Jan. letter:
Abuse
This may sound so sad and pathetic but I thought I needed to share it with others: I used to pray that my husband would hit me or physically do something so I could go to the police or a family member for help. How can you go to someone and say "he calls me names or he makes me feel worthless?" The local police would have laughed me out of the station. How low could one woman go as to wish she could get beat up in order to be relieved of the pain?
The second point that I would like to bring up is the eternal denying of being gay and even the possibility of him marrying another woman to prove to the world that I am a liar, (bitch, pick a name) etc. At the urging of my husband's therapist he finally told me and our 14 year old daughter that he was gay. A few months later he was able to tell his parents and sister. Now he is begging us all not to tell anyone. He now claims his therapist says that it was a scheme he thought up because it was the only way I could understand that he wanted a divorce and didn't want to hurt me. In other words he is really not gay. Yea right. I am begging women not to fall into this sick elaborate trap. What kind of a mind could think of this? Apparently a very scared and sickly complex one. Five years ago I would have believed it. I would have wanted to believe it in the worst way. But all I can say is you have to be ready to hear and feel it. Nothing I say or you say can convince a broken heart but reading about it takes you down the path you may not initially want to be on but you know it is the right road. Many thanks for you and the work you do. I would be willing to help in any way and thank you for introducing me to Kathi. We correspond at least weekly and hope to meet each other soon.
Very sincerely yours,
Susanne
I found this letter so disturbing because the words rang so true about hoping that my ex would hit me so I’d have something to go to the police or my friends about. I so desperately wanted to have the visible black and blue bruises on me so I could prove that he was an abuser.
So many of us are emotionally broken down, and yet there is no law against this. No one will arrest your husband for stripping you of your sense of self-worth and self-esteem. By law, that is not a punishable crime.
I remember an incident during my marriage many years ago when my ex was so angry because our house was robbed while we went shopping. When we returned, he found some family jewelry missing from his drawer. Of course, he blamed me and began ranting and raving. He was screaming that I was careless and left the door unlocked. I knew that wasn’t the case, but he just kept yelling and yelling so loud. At that time, I knew he was enamored with a17-year-old drug user and I snapped back that I was sure he was the thief. I tried to get up in his face so he would hit me or push me against the wall. I was hoping that his rage would turn to violence because I couldn’t stand the constant rage and accusations. He restrained himself in spite of my urging and didn’t hit me, just pushed me a little. Certainly it was not enough to warrant the police coming to take him away although the neighbors called them because they were fearful for my safety. When they arrived, I assured them there was no problem. After all, I did have to protect him, right? Several days after that incident, my suspicions proved correct, but the emotional damage was done.
As Susanne said, it was really so sad and pathetic. I feel a great sense of shame and embarrassment at this point of time to think that my life had been reduced to wanting violence to be used against me just so someone would believe I was suffering. And this suffering weakens us into a state of inaction, unable to stand up for ourselves.
On Susanne’s second point, as I told you in the last issue of the newsletter, the Straight Gay Men will very likely remarry and bring this misery on to another woman. Even if they slipped the truth to you once, don’t look for it to slip out again. In fact, be prepared for your husband to use some kind of evasive excuse such as, “You misinterpreted what I said, “ or “You didn’t hear what I was saying.”
This brings me to another survey question for women who are married to the Straight Gay Men. If your husband started seeing another woman, do you think you should tell her or let her find out for herself? Please email me with your thoughts on this one. I will share my own personal experiences with you next month about what I did when my ex-husband had a woman fall madly in love with him several years ago.
Remember, you never have to suffer alone. There is lots of support available to all of you. The wonderful members of my on-line support group and others who write to me are ready to give help to anyone who needs it. If you would like a “pain-pal” to help you through this confusion, just let me know and I will find a match for you.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Dear Bonnie,
I anxiously await your newsletter each month and it has been so helpful and true. I would just like to comment on two points that you brought up in this Jan. letter:
Abuse
This may sound so sad and pathetic but I thought I needed to share it with others: I used to pray that my husband would hit me or physically do something so I could go to the police or a family member for help. How can you go to someone and say "he calls me names or he makes me feel worthless?" The local police would have laughed me out of the station. How low could one woman go as to wish she could get beat up in order to be relieved of the pain?
The second point that I would like to bring up is the eternal denying of being gay and even the possibility of him marrying another woman to prove to the world that I am a liar, (bitch, pick a name) etc. At the urging of my husband's therapist he finally told me and our 14 year old daughter that he was gay. A few months later he was able to tell his parents and sister. Now he is begging us all not to tell anyone. He now claims his therapist says that it was a scheme he thought up because it was the only way I could understand that he wanted a divorce and didn't want to hurt me. In other words he is really not gay. Yea right. I am begging women not to fall into this sick elaborate trap. What kind of a mind could think of this? Apparently a very scared and sickly complex one. Five years ago I would have believed it. I would have wanted to believe it in the worst way. But all I can say is you have to be ready to hear and feel it. Nothing I say or you say can convince a broken heart but reading about it takes you down the path you may not initially want to be on but you know it is the right road. Many thanks for you and the work you do. I would be willing to help in any way and thank you for introducing me to Kathi. We correspond at least weekly and hope to meet each other soon.
Very sincerely yours,
Susanne
I found this letter so disturbing because the words rang so true about hoping that my ex would hit me so I’d have something to go to the police or my friends about. I so desperately wanted to have the visible black and blue bruises on me so I could prove that he was an abuser.
So many of us are emotionally broken down, and yet there is no law against this. No one will arrest your husband for stripping you of your sense of self-worth and self-esteem. By law, that is not a punishable crime.
I remember an incident during my marriage many years ago when my ex was so angry because our house was robbed while we went shopping. When we returned, he found some family jewelry missing from his drawer. Of course, he blamed me and began ranting and raving. He was screaming that I was careless and left the door unlocked. I knew that wasn’t the case, but he just kept yelling and yelling so loud. At that time, I knew he was enamored with a17-year-old drug user and I snapped back that I was sure he was the thief. I tried to get up in his face so he would hit me or push me against the wall. I was hoping that his rage would turn to violence because I couldn’t stand the constant rage and accusations. He restrained himself in spite of my urging and didn’t hit me, just pushed me a little. Certainly it was not enough to warrant the police coming to take him away although the neighbors called them because they were fearful for my safety. When they arrived, I assured them there was no problem. After all, I did have to protect him, right? Several days after that incident, my suspicions proved correct, but the emotional damage was done.
As Susanne said, it was really so sad and pathetic. I feel a great sense of shame and embarrassment at this point of time to think that my life had been reduced to wanting violence to be used against me just so someone would believe I was suffering. And this suffering weakens us into a state of inaction, unable to stand up for ourselves.
On Susanne’s second point, as I told you in the last issue of the newsletter, the Straight Gay Men will very likely remarry and bring this misery on to another woman. Even if they slipped the truth to you once, don’t look for it to slip out again. In fact, be prepared for your husband to use some kind of evasive excuse such as, “You misinterpreted what I said, “ or “You didn’t hear what I was saying.”
This brings me to another survey question for women who are married to the Straight Gay Men. If your husband started seeing another woman, do you think you should tell her or let her find out for herself? Please email me with your thoughts on this one. I will share my own personal experiences with you next month about what I did when my ex-husband had a woman fall madly in love with him several years ago.
Remember, you never have to suffer alone. There is lots of support available to all of you. The wonderful members of my on-line support group and others who write to me are ready to give help to anyone who needs it. If you would like a “pain-pal” to help you through this confusion, just let me know and I will find a match for you.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Friday, February 1, 2002
February, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 12
A GIFT FROM MY EX-HUSBAND
Wanting to have for nearly twenty years. It was the conversation of honesty, understanding, and apology. Even though we had skirted around these issues numerous times throughout the post-marriage years, he never came up with the words I was waiting to hear until now. It felt so good to hear him say, “Honey, I was an asshole and I’m sorry.” Wow, these were very powerful words. Now some of you may laugh and wonder why I even cared after all of these years, but I did care. I wanted to hear those words come out of his mouth. I wanted him to understand the pain that I had suffered from his abuse. I wanted to know that he understood the impact of what he had done to me. And after I heard those words, I was finally able to forgive him—for real.
It’s so odd that my ex just couldn’t understand that I didn’t blame him for being gay. He knows my point of view because we’ve discussed it hundreds of times. He doesn’t even necessarily agree with me. I say that gay is not a choice—people are born gay. He tells me that maybe in most cases that is true, but not in all cases—like his. He doesn’t believe he was born gay—he was “made” gay due to family circumstances. I am not sure why he feels the need to think that he was “made” gay. Maybe he feels better because this way he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for his irresponsible behavior. Or, maybe it’s because he doesn’t have to feel any remorse for what he’s done as a gay man in straight man’s clothing. Anyway, regardless of this, he really opened up to me and he also listened to my feelings for the first time.
Here’s his story. Michael claims that when he married me, he honestly didn’t know that he was gay. He had gay sex with guys, but there was nothing emotional about it—only sexual. He never kissed these guys or held them passionately. He just “did it” to get some sexual satisfaction. That didn’t mean he was gay, or at least in his early 20’s, he didn’t think that way. He knew he enjoyed having sexual encounters with males, but he still had a strong desire to find a wife and have children. He was sure that’s what made him straight, not gay. He was also not like those “swishy” guys portrayed on television. They made him sick. They were the real gays. He was macho and athletic. No way he was gay.
When we met, he did fall in love with me. And why not? I was interesting, very nice, caring, attractive, and bright. I was kind of exciting back in those days. I was the leader of an activist group back in the 1970’s so I was sort of a semi-celebrity. We had an intense courtship and a quick marriage. When Michael claims that he loved me then, I do believe him. He loved me as much as he was capable of loving a woman. I was the first woman he ever loved so he believed this was going to be the miracle he was looking for to change him. And for a while, he did change—his sexuality that is. He became for all intents and purposes—STRAIGHT.
He was able to perform straight sex. And he didn’t hate it. He didn’t mind it. He didn’t love it, but he could do it. I asked him if he fantasized about men when he made love to me and he was very clear that the answer was “NO.” He did remember calling me a man’s name during one of our sexual encounters, but he insists that was a true mistake. He was not thinking about a man at the moment. Okay, I guess. He did explain that when we were in our mid-twenties, sex was still sex.
It could still feel good even if it didn’t feel right. He could still have an orgasm sometimes and feel a sense of sexual relief and enjoyment. But he never felt it was fulfilling. After a while, it became more of a chore than a pleasure. And those nagging feelings of male attractions started resurfacing no matter how hard he tried to push them away.
Then our conversation went into some dangerous territories, namely the number of times he cheated on me during those four years. He has continued to claim through the years that there were hardly any times. One thing about me—I have a very sharp memory when it comes to remembering when someone hurts me. Maybe I forgive, but I never forget. Even my current boyfriend who is my soulmate knows that any mistake that unintentionally hurts me is cleanly tucked away in my memory bank for future reference at my discretion. So when Michael and I started pulling rabbits out of a hat of his slip-ups during our marriage, even he was shocked at the number I kept reaching in and grabbing long after he had forgotten them. And when we finished dredging up each and every one that we could remember, we had quite a list. In fact, he was not very proud of his record. He apologized very sincerely. He said he was an immature jerk back then who didn’t give a damn about me—only himself. Then he asked me if I could finally forgive him and stop being angry about it. Guess what I said? I said NO. I said no because he still didn’t get it.
See, what Michael never understood until that conversation was that I did forgive him for being gay. I even forgave him for cheating on me during our marriage because he was gay. What I didn’t forgive him for were the many years that followed that he continued to be a jerk. I couldn’t forgive him for leaving me stranded for years to raise the children virtually on my own. While he was out with his numerous male partners living la vida loca, I was in taking care of all of the children’s day-to-day needs. He was just so into him that he didn’t have time to be into them. I was literally left holding the bag and stuck with the responsibility of being a single mother. Yes, I say stuck. There were nights I cried myself to sleep because I was so physically and mentally exhausted from juggling all ends. I didn’t have the emotional, physical, or financial support I needed from him. He just wasn’t there for the children or me. He thought he was at the time, but now he knows that he wasn’t.
He claims that when he left, his world came tumbling down. He was crushed and miserable. He loved his family and couldn’t stand the thought of not being with his children. And maybe that was the case for a while. But like so many of the other men that I hear about from my support group members and women who write to me in crisis, those feelings of loss seem to fade mighty quickly as our gay husbands entrench themselves tightly into the gay lifestyle. There just doesn’t seem to be a balance for a long time to come. This leaves us with the burden of everything. And this was the part that was so hard for me to forgive.
You see, lots of marriages fail for lots of reasons. In fact, probably half of all marriages end in divorce today. But that doesn’t mean that most of the fathers walk away from their responsibilities. Some do, and plenty of straight men are jerks. But see, they don’t claim to love their wives when the marriages end like our husbands do. Even when our husbands are leaving us, they still claim they are “loving” us. They just can’t help themselves for being gay. And unlike straight marriages that fail, most of us still love our gay husbands when our marriages are over. We didn’t choose for the marriages to end—they did. Most of us were blind sighted until the end with no clue why our husbands didn’t love us enough to stay. Some of you still don’t understand because your husbands are still being dishonest and living in a state of denial—even though you are sure of the truth.
When our husbands leave, they promise that things won’t change between them and the children, but in almost all cases, they do. Maybe not the first few weeks, but shortly thereafter. We were counting on their promises to come through for the children and be there as responsible, participating fathers. That’s what made the separation a little more palatable. But inevitably, their lives change dramatically and everything else is secondary. As we often say in our support chats, “It’s all about them.” And for most of them, it is.
Now that doesn’t mean they don’t change back. I definitely see that in time, so many of these fathers try to be fathers again. Maybe it comes with age; maybe it comes with maturity. Maybe it’s just because they have their fill of themselves and now they are ready to pick up where they left off. Unfortunately, many years are missing and can’t be returned. And the hardships that we, the mothers, have gone through can’t be undone. And that’s what my ex needed to know. That’s what he had to understand what I needed to forgive him for—not being gay. He needed to understand that he was not just a stupid, selfish jerk during our marriage, but also for many of the years that followed when he stranded the children and me.
The best news is that he finally does understand. He finally understands that I wasn’t angry that he is gay. I got over that fact years ago. I was angry that he was always looking out for his own needs before our needs. He finally admitted I was right and asked me to forgive him. I did. There was something very heart lifting about this forgiveness because it was real. It didn’t change the past, but at least he finally understood what it did to me. He could finally feel my pain, my fears, my frustrations and his part in causing them. It gave me the closure that I was seeking for so long.
In previous issues of this newsletter, I had some wonderful words written by my friends Jay and Chuck. They were wonderful because I always wanted to hear those words coming out of the mouth of my own ex-husband. So many of you wrote to me expressing the same feelings. I guess that’s why hearing it first hand meant so much to me. Hopefully, your ex-husbands and husbands will give you this same gift—the gift of truth, understanding, and apology for their actions during and after the marriage. It took me nearly 20 years, but better late than never.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Wanting to have for nearly twenty years. It was the conversation of honesty, understanding, and apology. Even though we had skirted around these issues numerous times throughout the post-marriage years, he never came up with the words I was waiting to hear until now. It felt so good to hear him say, “Honey, I was an asshole and I’m sorry.” Wow, these were very powerful words. Now some of you may laugh and wonder why I even cared after all of these years, but I did care. I wanted to hear those words come out of his mouth. I wanted him to understand the pain that I had suffered from his abuse. I wanted to know that he understood the impact of what he had done to me. And after I heard those words, I was finally able to forgive him—for real.
It’s so odd that my ex just couldn’t understand that I didn’t blame him for being gay. He knows my point of view because we’ve discussed it hundreds of times. He doesn’t even necessarily agree with me. I say that gay is not a choice—people are born gay. He tells me that maybe in most cases that is true, but not in all cases—like his. He doesn’t believe he was born gay—he was “made” gay due to family circumstances. I am not sure why he feels the need to think that he was “made” gay. Maybe he feels better because this way he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for his irresponsible behavior. Or, maybe it’s because he doesn’t have to feel any remorse for what he’s done as a gay man in straight man’s clothing. Anyway, regardless of this, he really opened up to me and he also listened to my feelings for the first time.
Here’s his story. Michael claims that when he married me, he honestly didn’t know that he was gay. He had gay sex with guys, but there was nothing emotional about it—only sexual. He never kissed these guys or held them passionately. He just “did it” to get some sexual satisfaction. That didn’t mean he was gay, or at least in his early 20’s, he didn’t think that way. He knew he enjoyed having sexual encounters with males, but he still had a strong desire to find a wife and have children. He was sure that’s what made him straight, not gay. He was also not like those “swishy” guys portrayed on television. They made him sick. They were the real gays. He was macho and athletic. No way he was gay.
When we met, he did fall in love with me. And why not? I was interesting, very nice, caring, attractive, and bright. I was kind of exciting back in those days. I was the leader of an activist group back in the 1970’s so I was sort of a semi-celebrity. We had an intense courtship and a quick marriage. When Michael claims that he loved me then, I do believe him. He loved me as much as he was capable of loving a woman. I was the first woman he ever loved so he believed this was going to be the miracle he was looking for to change him. And for a while, he did change—his sexuality that is. He became for all intents and purposes—STRAIGHT.
He was able to perform straight sex. And he didn’t hate it. He didn’t mind it. He didn’t love it, but he could do it. I asked him if he fantasized about men when he made love to me and he was very clear that the answer was “NO.” He did remember calling me a man’s name during one of our sexual encounters, but he insists that was a true mistake. He was not thinking about a man at the moment. Okay, I guess. He did explain that when we were in our mid-twenties, sex was still sex.
It could still feel good even if it didn’t feel right. He could still have an orgasm sometimes and feel a sense of sexual relief and enjoyment. But he never felt it was fulfilling. After a while, it became more of a chore than a pleasure. And those nagging feelings of male attractions started resurfacing no matter how hard he tried to push them away.
Then our conversation went into some dangerous territories, namely the number of times he cheated on me during those four years. He has continued to claim through the years that there were hardly any times. One thing about me—I have a very sharp memory when it comes to remembering when someone hurts me. Maybe I forgive, but I never forget. Even my current boyfriend who is my soulmate knows that any mistake that unintentionally hurts me is cleanly tucked away in my memory bank for future reference at my discretion. So when Michael and I started pulling rabbits out of a hat of his slip-ups during our marriage, even he was shocked at the number I kept reaching in and grabbing long after he had forgotten them. And when we finished dredging up each and every one that we could remember, we had quite a list. In fact, he was not very proud of his record. He apologized very sincerely. He said he was an immature jerk back then who didn’t give a damn about me—only himself. Then he asked me if I could finally forgive him and stop being angry about it. Guess what I said? I said NO. I said no because he still didn’t get it.
See, what Michael never understood until that conversation was that I did forgive him for being gay. I even forgave him for cheating on me during our marriage because he was gay. What I didn’t forgive him for were the many years that followed that he continued to be a jerk. I couldn’t forgive him for leaving me stranded for years to raise the children virtually on my own. While he was out with his numerous male partners living la vida loca, I was in taking care of all of the children’s day-to-day needs. He was just so into him that he didn’t have time to be into them. I was literally left holding the bag and stuck with the responsibility of being a single mother. Yes, I say stuck. There were nights I cried myself to sleep because I was so physically and mentally exhausted from juggling all ends. I didn’t have the emotional, physical, or financial support I needed from him. He just wasn’t there for the children or me. He thought he was at the time, but now he knows that he wasn’t.
He claims that when he left, his world came tumbling down. He was crushed and miserable. He loved his family and couldn’t stand the thought of not being with his children. And maybe that was the case for a while. But like so many of the other men that I hear about from my support group members and women who write to me in crisis, those feelings of loss seem to fade mighty quickly as our gay husbands entrench themselves tightly into the gay lifestyle. There just doesn’t seem to be a balance for a long time to come. This leaves us with the burden of everything. And this was the part that was so hard for me to forgive.
You see, lots of marriages fail for lots of reasons. In fact, probably half of all marriages end in divorce today. But that doesn’t mean that most of the fathers walk away from their responsibilities. Some do, and plenty of straight men are jerks. But see, they don’t claim to love their wives when the marriages end like our husbands do. Even when our husbands are leaving us, they still claim they are “loving” us. They just can’t help themselves for being gay. And unlike straight marriages that fail, most of us still love our gay husbands when our marriages are over. We didn’t choose for the marriages to end—they did. Most of us were blind sighted until the end with no clue why our husbands didn’t love us enough to stay. Some of you still don’t understand because your husbands are still being dishonest and living in a state of denial—even though you are sure of the truth.
When our husbands leave, they promise that things won’t change between them and the children, but in almost all cases, they do. Maybe not the first few weeks, but shortly thereafter. We were counting on their promises to come through for the children and be there as responsible, participating fathers. That’s what made the separation a little more palatable. But inevitably, their lives change dramatically and everything else is secondary. As we often say in our support chats, “It’s all about them.” And for most of them, it is.
Now that doesn’t mean they don’t change back. I definitely see that in time, so many of these fathers try to be fathers again. Maybe it comes with age; maybe it comes with maturity. Maybe it’s just because they have their fill of themselves and now they are ready to pick up where they left off. Unfortunately, many years are missing and can’t be returned. And the hardships that we, the mothers, have gone through can’t be undone. And that’s what my ex needed to know. That’s what he had to understand what I needed to forgive him for—not being gay. He needed to understand that he was not just a stupid, selfish jerk during our marriage, but also for many of the years that followed when he stranded the children and me.
The best news is that he finally does understand. He finally understands that I wasn’t angry that he is gay. I got over that fact years ago. I was angry that he was always looking out for his own needs before our needs. He finally admitted I was right and asked me to forgive him. I did. There was something very heart lifting about this forgiveness because it was real. It didn’t change the past, but at least he finally understood what it did to me. He could finally feel my pain, my fears, my frustrations and his part in causing them. It gave me the closure that I was seeking for so long.
In previous issues of this newsletter, I had some wonderful words written by my friends Jay and Chuck. They were wonderful because I always wanted to hear those words coming out of the mouth of my own ex-husband. So many of you wrote to me expressing the same feelings. I guess that’s why hearing it first hand meant so much to me. Hopefully, your ex-husbands and husbands will give you this same gift—the gift of truth, understanding, and apology for their actions during and after the marriage. It took me nearly 20 years, but better late than never.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter February, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 12
SPECIAL VALENTINE’S DAY ISSUE
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY--NOT
In the past, I have written about the difficulty that straight wives have during the holiday season. It is not uncommon for depression to set in somewhere around Thanksgiving and continue right through the New Year. During that six-week period, there are three holidays that revolve around family happiness and unity, something most of us are missing.
While we get caught up in the preparation for these holidays, we can’t help but to feel an emotional letdown when they actually take place. We know what they represent, and yet, we never feel the wonder and joy of what the holidays represent that others are feeling. We go through the motions waiting for the emotional impact to kick in, but when it doesn’t, that’s when the depression sets in.
And now, just as we start to get back to our “normal” existence state of mind to cope in our relationships, we are once again brought down by the most hurtful holiday of all—Valentine’s Day. This is the day that exemplifies love and romance. It’s hearts and flowers all the way. It’s the day that symbolizes what being in love is all about. It’s a day where two people who love each other take the time to stop and think about that love and to remember how it feels to be “in love” even if some of the passion has faded through the years.
If you are the wife of a gay man, this is a day that really hurts. This day, more so than all of the other holidays, is a slap of reality about your marriage. You see, on the other holidays you can cover yourself with a veil of illusion because they are family holidays. Whatever you are lacking in your marriage can be compensated for through your children and other family members. But Valentine’s Day is different. It’s about the two of you. And no matter how you justify it by thinking it’s a day of love in general, it’s not. Yes, you can buy Valentine’s Day cards for your son or daughter, mother and father, co-workers and friends to try to make it better. But there’s really no escaping what it really is—a holiday for lovers.
The reason why this holiday in so painful is because it is upfront and personal and right in your face. No matter how you try to avoid dealing with the reality of living with a gay husband on a day-to-day basis and lull yourself into a false sense of security, Valentine’s Day reminds you of the lie you are living with the man whom you fell in love with and married in good faith. It’s a reminder of everything that you were supposed to have but were cheated from having. And the man who robbed you of your dreams is still lying in bed next to you. Each morning when you wake up with him next to you, it’s one more day of living a lie.
Now the lie wasn’t your lie to start with—it’s his lie. But it has become your lie because you’re living it with him. You’re going through the motions of what marriage is supposed to be, but it’s falling way short of what your intentions were when you made that commitment at the altar Your husband, who promised to love and cherish you through sickness and health ‘til death do you part, never mentioned that he would never be able to love you the way you needed to be loved. In fairness, maybe he didn’t know that he wouldn’t be able to do it. No doubt, he was hoping that he could pull it off. And I’ll even go so far as to say that maybe he didn’t come to terms with the fact that he was gay on that life-changing day. But in almost all cases he knew he was having conflicting feelings. He knew something was off even if he couldn’t figure out that it was homosexuality.
Even when I speak to gay men who tell me that they honestly didn’t believe that they were gay, or hadn’t acted on those impulses prior to marriage, they still knew looking or thinking about men sexually aroused them. And even if they still couldn’t come to terms with that, they knew when they stopped making love to you early in the marriage that they were not attracted to you because you were a woman. But they kept quiet because they were afraid if they told you their secret, you may blow it for them. You might pull away their security blanket leaving them vulnerable and feeling naked. It wasn’t always an easy choice for them to keep lying to you, but it was easier than telling the truth.
So to those of you who are living in one of the many situations that bring us all together under this umbrella of commonality, let me personally wish you a Happy Future Valentine’s Day. Believe me, it can happen to you just like it happened to me. This is a day I celebrate in a big way. It’s a day that makes me happy because I have a man whom I am in love with. He makes my heart flutter and my knees still get shaky when we touch—and that’s after eight years. I don’t say that to brag, but rather to let you know how life was meant to be. You were meant to have a man who can love you and make love to you. You were meant to meet someone who would cherish you and treat you as if you were the most important part of his life. The fact that you were sidetracked doesn’t mean that you are doomed forever. It is never too late to find the happiness you are seeking as long as you don’t give up hope. And even if you don’t want to think about falling in love, at least think about not living in an abusive situation. Work on loving yourself enough to move away from a man who is not your soulmate but who is destroying your soul instead, one layer at a time.
Go out and buy yourself a giant box of chocolates. Enjoy each one of them as you remember how sweet life is supposed to be and how wonderful it will be once you remove yourself from a disastrous situation.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY--NOT
In the past, I have written about the difficulty that straight wives have during the holiday season. It is not uncommon for depression to set in somewhere around Thanksgiving and continue right through the New Year. During that six-week period, there are three holidays that revolve around family happiness and unity, something most of us are missing.
While we get caught up in the preparation for these holidays, we can’t help but to feel an emotional letdown when they actually take place. We know what they represent, and yet, we never feel the wonder and joy of what the holidays represent that others are feeling. We go through the motions waiting for the emotional impact to kick in, but when it doesn’t, that’s when the depression sets in.
And now, just as we start to get back to our “normal” existence state of mind to cope in our relationships, we are once again brought down by the most hurtful holiday of all—Valentine’s Day. This is the day that exemplifies love and romance. It’s hearts and flowers all the way. It’s the day that symbolizes what being in love is all about. It’s a day where two people who love each other take the time to stop and think about that love and to remember how it feels to be “in love” even if some of the passion has faded through the years.
If you are the wife of a gay man, this is a day that really hurts. This day, more so than all of the other holidays, is a slap of reality about your marriage. You see, on the other holidays you can cover yourself with a veil of illusion because they are family holidays. Whatever you are lacking in your marriage can be compensated for through your children and other family members. But Valentine’s Day is different. It’s about the two of you. And no matter how you justify it by thinking it’s a day of love in general, it’s not. Yes, you can buy Valentine’s Day cards for your son or daughter, mother and father, co-workers and friends to try to make it better. But there’s really no escaping what it really is—a holiday for lovers.
The reason why this holiday in so painful is because it is upfront and personal and right in your face. No matter how you try to avoid dealing with the reality of living with a gay husband on a day-to-day basis and lull yourself into a false sense of security, Valentine’s Day reminds you of the lie you are living with the man whom you fell in love with and married in good faith. It’s a reminder of everything that you were supposed to have but were cheated from having. And the man who robbed you of your dreams is still lying in bed next to you. Each morning when you wake up with him next to you, it’s one more day of living a lie.
Now the lie wasn’t your lie to start with—it’s his lie. But it has become your lie because you’re living it with him. You’re going through the motions of what marriage is supposed to be, but it’s falling way short of what your intentions were when you made that commitment at the altar Your husband, who promised to love and cherish you through sickness and health ‘til death do you part, never mentioned that he would never be able to love you the way you needed to be loved. In fairness, maybe he didn’t know that he wouldn’t be able to do it. No doubt, he was hoping that he could pull it off. And I’ll even go so far as to say that maybe he didn’t come to terms with the fact that he was gay on that life-changing day. But in almost all cases he knew he was having conflicting feelings. He knew something was off even if he couldn’t figure out that it was homosexuality.
Even when I speak to gay men who tell me that they honestly didn’t believe that they were gay, or hadn’t acted on those impulses prior to marriage, they still knew looking or thinking about men sexually aroused them. And even if they still couldn’t come to terms with that, they knew when they stopped making love to you early in the marriage that they were not attracted to you because you were a woman. But they kept quiet because they were afraid if they told you their secret, you may blow it for them. You might pull away their security blanket leaving them vulnerable and feeling naked. It wasn’t always an easy choice for them to keep lying to you, but it was easier than telling the truth.
So to those of you who are living in one of the many situations that bring us all together under this umbrella of commonality, let me personally wish you a Happy Future Valentine’s Day. Believe me, it can happen to you just like it happened to me. This is a day I celebrate in a big way. It’s a day that makes me happy because I have a man whom I am in love with. He makes my heart flutter and my knees still get shaky when we touch—and that’s after eight years. I don’t say that to brag, but rather to let you know how life was meant to be. You were meant to have a man who can love you and make love to you. You were meant to meet someone who would cherish you and treat you as if you were the most important part of his life. The fact that you were sidetracked doesn’t mean that you are doomed forever. It is never too late to find the happiness you are seeking as long as you don’t give up hope. And even if you don’t want to think about falling in love, at least think about not living in an abusive situation. Work on loving yourself enough to move away from a man who is not your soulmate but who is destroying your soul instead, one layer at a time.
Go out and buy yourself a giant box of chocolates. Enjoy each one of them as you remember how sweet life is supposed to be and how wonderful it will be once you remove yourself from a disastrous situation.
Tuesday, January 1, 2002
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter January, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 11
HAPPY NEW YEAR
As we begin the year 2002, let me wish all of my support group friends and readers a happier and mentally healthier New Year. I know that this time of year was a difficult one for many of you who wrote to me because it is a time for families to join together and celebrate. For those of you are in stuck in unfulfilling and unhappy marriages with gay husbands, this can be depressing. It is not uncommon to find all holidays that revolve around love and families depressing. But on the bright side, a new year is a time of hope for a new life. Look at this season as a time to continue to strengthen yourself towards making positive decisions in your life for the future. Always remember that there are millions of women who face this tragedy. You are not in this alone. Reach out for support, and I will always be there to help you.
THE EXCUSE FOR ABUSE
My friend Gayle on the West Coast wrote me a note a few weeks ago. She stated:
Bonnie, have you ever covered the topic of "abusive behaviors" with women (and men) in "our situations?" I know that you've discussed it, but is it worth giving more attention to this subject? I know so many of us continue to struggle with not only "the situation," but also the continued abuse that goes along with it and how to effectively deal with it. Your thoughts are appreciated whenever on this.
This is a common cry from many women who have gay husbands and who remain in their marriages for long periods of time. The try so hard to be “good wives,” and yet, no matter what they do, they are still the brunt of their husbands’ emotional abuse. I will try to explain why this happens.
Let me preface this by saying that for the New Year, I have coined a new term for another classification of gay husbands. It is “Straight Gay Husbands.” I hope you like it. It is my new reference to gay men who are permanently living the straight life, sort of like wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are the husbands who will not acknowledge their homosexuality privately or publicly--ever. Some of them know that you know, but try to confuse you enough to put enough doubt in your mind to make you think that you are the crazy one. It’s the best defense to your “offensive” questions. These are the men that shut you up or shut you down the moment you think about making mention of the possibility of homosexuality. They know what they are, and they know what you suspect; but keep your mouth shut because they don’t want to hear about it--especially from you.
These men are different than the gay husbands that admit they are gay/bisexual but promise not to act on those needs while they remain married to you. (Like we really believe that story!) They are also different than the gay husbands who are leading very secret lives and not leaving a trail of crumbs for you to follow. They are not even quite like the Limbo Men I have described who are caught in between two worlds. These are men who are definitely not stuck. They are identifying strictly as straight. There is no way they are entering the gay world through the front or back door, or even through the closet. They detest the gay world and what it stands for which gives them even greater reassurance, at least to themselves, that they are not gay.
The Straight Gay Men are the ones who have to remain in total control of all of their physical motions lest someone should suspect they are not quite as straight as they claim. It’s funny how many women tell me how their husbands’ physical appearances, gestures, and movements change once they come out. I can’t even fathom how difficult it must be to have to go through life calculating every breath and step you take. It’s sort of like walking down a sidewalk and having to make sure that you “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” as the game use to say. My balance and coordination never let me win that game.
These husbands are quick to use you and the children as their proof that they are not gay to the outside world just in case they let their guard down and anyone might accuse them of the “unthinkable.” They honestly don’t identify as gay even though they have sex with men. They don’t get themselves involved emotionally with men, just sexually. That helps them justify the fact that they are straight, not gay.
Some women can’t understand this. If you look like a duck, walk like a duck, act like a duck, but have sex with a goose, are you still a duck or are you a goose? I say you’re a goose. I don’t care what you act like to the outside world; I only look at who satisfies you sexually. And if you’re a duck making love to a goose, your feathers have to ruffle in a different direction when you stand up and straighten them out. But this does make things that much more confusing and complicated. So, to simplify your confusion, let me say this—STRAIGHT MEN DON’T HAVE GAY SEX. You can call it whatever makes you feel better, but I still call it gay—all the way.
Women who live with Straight Gay Men and Limbo Men are often the most commonly emotionally abused women. They would have to be. Their husbands are truly living in a complex world that makes little or any sense. They are living unfilled lives because they don’t have any emotional connections. They don’t connect emotionally with their wives because they aren’t really straight. They don’t connect emotionally with men because they refuse to be gay. And so they function but don’t connect. This lack of emotional connection creates a sense of insensitivity when it comes to your feelings and your emotions.
It also closes them up as human beings. They are unable to connect with a wife because they are living an internal, and what seems like an eternal, lie. This lie keeps overtaking any sense of good feelings towards the person whom they believe is responsible for this state of living—namely you. Now we know it is ridiculous to think that you should be their reason for living this lie, but subconsciously, this is how they feel.
As much as they love to have you as their “cover” is as much as they hate to have you sharing under their covers. They resent your nagging demands for sexual intimacy because it “isn’t their thing.” It’s your thing. And why do you have to try to make them feel inadequate just because they are? Even when you stop asking for it, you are still thinking about it and they can tell. It means they have to come up with a continuous string of stories to account for their lack of sexual behavior with you. This puts pressure on these guys who feel you are being unreasonable. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of sex?
They feel that in all other ways, they are ideal husbands. They are there raising the family with you. They are helping to support your financial needs or at least sharing in them. They are taking part in the social activities that you have decided are important. They are doing lots for you—and how do you show your appreciation? By badgering them with little innuendos and questioning looks.
This really shows a lack of appreciation on your part and so they get pissed.
The Straight Gay Men think they are Supermen. And to a degree, they are. They juggle, manipulate, calculate, and carefully plan out all of their actions. It takes a lot of energy to do this, and they marvel at their ability to pull it off. It gives them a air of smugness that shows in their personality. I’m not quite sure what they think they’re pulling off because they know that you are doubtful of their explanations. There are only so many headaches, backaches, depressions, and side effects from medication that you can keep relying on. But they feel confident if they use these excuses enough, you’ll give up. Most women do. As I’ve said before numerous times, no woman wants to feel like she has to beg her husband to make love to her. It’s degrading and demeaning. We get the hint after enough sexual rejection and stop asking. But it doesn’t mean that we stop thinking—and wanting.
Every time we see other couples holding and caressing lovingly together, this is a reminder. It’s a reminder of what we thought we should have had but never were able to achieve. It’s a reminder of what our hopes and dreams were for married life when we took that life-altering step and said, “I do.” We are momentarily reminded of what marriage was supposed to be, but never became. And this sadness shows in our faces, in our eyes, and in our hearts. When our husbands glimpse at us, they know what we are thinking. They know what we are wishing. They know that the words they don’t want to hear may possibly be coming out of our mouths at any moment. Rather than take a chance and have to come up with one more excuse, they find some way to knock us down and put us back into the non-assertive mental state that they so easily know how to do.
We are women who have been conditioned. Remember, Straight Gay Men remain in the marriages indefinitely and have years to erode your sense of self-worth. They are not going anywhere, and they want to make sure that you feel inadequate enough so that you won’t go anywhere either. I don’t know who could have taught these men about the facts of life and marriage, but obviously, they weren’t listening or didn’t have a teacher. Didn’t anyone ever tell them that sex is part of marriage? Didn’t they ever hear that intimacy grows from making love to the person who loves you? Do they really believe that they can sit for years in a marriage and overlook that little detail? Yes, they do. And we become their silent partners because we have been silenced on the issue of sex.
The irony is that even if you leave these men, as some women do, they will remarry again. Yes, they will remarry another woman. They will still do their occasional gay sex thing to satisfy their sexual need, but that goes with the territory. It is amazing to me how these men can live such a delusional existence until the day they die. And they will drag other women into their web of deceit. The next victim (and men who do this more than once are victimizers) will fall for it just like you did—but even better. Your Straight Gay Husband has a track record. He will still use you as his shield by telling his next conquest that he was married before, ergo, he is straight. And the woman who is in a subsequent marriage with this man has no reason to question his sexuality at all. He married before; he’s marrying again. Chances are his next wife will feel even more inadequate than you feel. He’ll make sure to tell her that the two of you never had problems in the bedroom before. And if she does meet you, she’ll be too embarrassed to ask you the truth. And you’ll probably keep protecting him.
So if you are in a long-term marriage to a Straight Gay Man, don’t plan on things ever getting better. There may be temporary second honeymoon periods, only to prove to you once again that you are crazy for even suspecting there is something wrong with your wonder man. But it’s guaranteed that things will resort back to the “normal” pattern of digs, harsh words, and put-downs. Count on it. Then decide if this is the most that you want out of life because as long as you are in this marriage, this is all you can expect.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
As we begin the year 2002, let me wish all of my support group friends and readers a happier and mentally healthier New Year. I know that this time of year was a difficult one for many of you who wrote to me because it is a time for families to join together and celebrate. For those of you are in stuck in unfulfilling and unhappy marriages with gay husbands, this can be depressing. It is not uncommon to find all holidays that revolve around love and families depressing. But on the bright side, a new year is a time of hope for a new life. Look at this season as a time to continue to strengthen yourself towards making positive decisions in your life for the future. Always remember that there are millions of women who face this tragedy. You are not in this alone. Reach out for support, and I will always be there to help you.
THE EXCUSE FOR ABUSE
My friend Gayle on the West Coast wrote me a note a few weeks ago. She stated:
Bonnie, have you ever covered the topic of "abusive behaviors" with women (and men) in "our situations?" I know that you've discussed it, but is it worth giving more attention to this subject? I know so many of us continue to struggle with not only "the situation," but also the continued abuse that goes along with it and how to effectively deal with it. Your thoughts are appreciated whenever on this.
This is a common cry from many women who have gay husbands and who remain in their marriages for long periods of time. The try so hard to be “good wives,” and yet, no matter what they do, they are still the brunt of their husbands’ emotional abuse. I will try to explain why this happens.
Let me preface this by saying that for the New Year, I have coined a new term for another classification of gay husbands. It is “Straight Gay Husbands.” I hope you like it. It is my new reference to gay men who are permanently living the straight life, sort of like wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are the husbands who will not acknowledge their homosexuality privately or publicly--ever. Some of them know that you know, but try to confuse you enough to put enough doubt in your mind to make you think that you are the crazy one. It’s the best defense to your “offensive” questions. These are the men that shut you up or shut you down the moment you think about making mention of the possibility of homosexuality. They know what they are, and they know what you suspect; but keep your mouth shut because they don’t want to hear about it--especially from you.
These men are different than the gay husbands that admit they are gay/bisexual but promise not to act on those needs while they remain married to you. (Like we really believe that story!) They are also different than the gay husbands who are leading very secret lives and not leaving a trail of crumbs for you to follow. They are not even quite like the Limbo Men I have described who are caught in between two worlds. These are men who are definitely not stuck. They are identifying strictly as straight. There is no way they are entering the gay world through the front or back door, or even through the closet. They detest the gay world and what it stands for which gives them even greater reassurance, at least to themselves, that they are not gay.
The Straight Gay Men are the ones who have to remain in total control of all of their physical motions lest someone should suspect they are not quite as straight as they claim. It’s funny how many women tell me how their husbands’ physical appearances, gestures, and movements change once they come out. I can’t even fathom how difficult it must be to have to go through life calculating every breath and step you take. It’s sort of like walking down a sidewalk and having to make sure that you “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” as the game use to say. My balance and coordination never let me win that game.
These husbands are quick to use you and the children as their proof that they are not gay to the outside world just in case they let their guard down and anyone might accuse them of the “unthinkable.” They honestly don’t identify as gay even though they have sex with men. They don’t get themselves involved emotionally with men, just sexually. That helps them justify the fact that they are straight, not gay.
Some women can’t understand this. If you look like a duck, walk like a duck, act like a duck, but have sex with a goose, are you still a duck or are you a goose? I say you’re a goose. I don’t care what you act like to the outside world; I only look at who satisfies you sexually. And if you’re a duck making love to a goose, your feathers have to ruffle in a different direction when you stand up and straighten them out. But this does make things that much more confusing and complicated. So, to simplify your confusion, let me say this—STRAIGHT MEN DON’T HAVE GAY SEX. You can call it whatever makes you feel better, but I still call it gay—all the way.
Women who live with Straight Gay Men and Limbo Men are often the most commonly emotionally abused women. They would have to be. Their husbands are truly living in a complex world that makes little or any sense. They are living unfilled lives because they don’t have any emotional connections. They don’t connect emotionally with their wives because they aren’t really straight. They don’t connect emotionally with men because they refuse to be gay. And so they function but don’t connect. This lack of emotional connection creates a sense of insensitivity when it comes to your feelings and your emotions.
It also closes them up as human beings. They are unable to connect with a wife because they are living an internal, and what seems like an eternal, lie. This lie keeps overtaking any sense of good feelings towards the person whom they believe is responsible for this state of living—namely you. Now we know it is ridiculous to think that you should be their reason for living this lie, but subconsciously, this is how they feel.
As much as they love to have you as their “cover” is as much as they hate to have you sharing under their covers. They resent your nagging demands for sexual intimacy because it “isn’t their thing.” It’s your thing. And why do you have to try to make them feel inadequate just because they are? Even when you stop asking for it, you are still thinking about it and they can tell. It means they have to come up with a continuous string of stories to account for their lack of sexual behavior with you. This puts pressure on these guys who feel you are being unreasonable. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of sex?
They feel that in all other ways, they are ideal husbands. They are there raising the family with you. They are helping to support your financial needs or at least sharing in them. They are taking part in the social activities that you have decided are important. They are doing lots for you—and how do you show your appreciation? By badgering them with little innuendos and questioning looks.
This really shows a lack of appreciation on your part and so they get pissed.
The Straight Gay Men think they are Supermen. And to a degree, they are. They juggle, manipulate, calculate, and carefully plan out all of their actions. It takes a lot of energy to do this, and they marvel at their ability to pull it off. It gives them a air of smugness that shows in their personality. I’m not quite sure what they think they’re pulling off because they know that you are doubtful of their explanations. There are only so many headaches, backaches, depressions, and side effects from medication that you can keep relying on. But they feel confident if they use these excuses enough, you’ll give up. Most women do. As I’ve said before numerous times, no woman wants to feel like she has to beg her husband to make love to her. It’s degrading and demeaning. We get the hint after enough sexual rejection and stop asking. But it doesn’t mean that we stop thinking—and wanting.
Every time we see other couples holding and caressing lovingly together, this is a reminder. It’s a reminder of what we thought we should have had but never were able to achieve. It’s a reminder of what our hopes and dreams were for married life when we took that life-altering step and said, “I do.” We are momentarily reminded of what marriage was supposed to be, but never became. And this sadness shows in our faces, in our eyes, and in our hearts. When our husbands glimpse at us, they know what we are thinking. They know what we are wishing. They know that the words they don’t want to hear may possibly be coming out of our mouths at any moment. Rather than take a chance and have to come up with one more excuse, they find some way to knock us down and put us back into the non-assertive mental state that they so easily know how to do.
We are women who have been conditioned. Remember, Straight Gay Men remain in the marriages indefinitely and have years to erode your sense of self-worth. They are not going anywhere, and they want to make sure that you feel inadequate enough so that you won’t go anywhere either. I don’t know who could have taught these men about the facts of life and marriage, but obviously, they weren’t listening or didn’t have a teacher. Didn’t anyone ever tell them that sex is part of marriage? Didn’t they ever hear that intimacy grows from making love to the person who loves you? Do they really believe that they can sit for years in a marriage and overlook that little detail? Yes, they do. And we become their silent partners because we have been silenced on the issue of sex.
The irony is that even if you leave these men, as some women do, they will remarry again. Yes, they will remarry another woman. They will still do their occasional gay sex thing to satisfy their sexual need, but that goes with the territory. It is amazing to me how these men can live such a delusional existence until the day they die. And they will drag other women into their web of deceit. The next victim (and men who do this more than once are victimizers) will fall for it just like you did—but even better. Your Straight Gay Husband has a track record. He will still use you as his shield by telling his next conquest that he was married before, ergo, he is straight. And the woman who is in a subsequent marriage with this man has no reason to question his sexuality at all. He married before; he’s marrying again. Chances are his next wife will feel even more inadequate than you feel. He’ll make sure to tell her that the two of you never had problems in the bedroom before. And if she does meet you, she’ll be too embarrassed to ask you the truth. And you’ll probably keep protecting him.
So if you are in a long-term marriage to a Straight Gay Man, don’t plan on things ever getting better. There may be temporary second honeymoon periods, only to prove to you once again that you are crazy for even suspecting there is something wrong with your wonder man. But it’s guaranteed that things will resort back to the “normal” pattern of digs, harsh words, and put-downs. Count on it. Then decide if this is the most that you want out of life because as long as you are in this marriage, this is all you can expect.
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