February, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 12 MAILBAG

MAILBAG

Dear Bonnie,
I anxiously await your newsletter each month and it has been so helpful and true. I would just like to comment on two points that you brought up in this Jan. letter:

Abuse

This may sound so sad and pathetic but I thought I needed to share it with others: I used to pray that my husband would hit me or physically do something so I could go to the police or a family member for help. How can you go to someone and say "he calls me names or he makes me feel worthless?" The local police would have laughed me out of the station. How low could one woman go as to wish she could get beat up in order to be relieved of the pain?

The second point that I would like to bring up is the eternal denying of being gay and even the possibility of him marrying another woman to prove to the world that I am a liar, (bitch, pick a name) etc. At the urging of my husband's therapist he finally told me and our 14 year old daughter that he was gay. A few months later he was able to tell his parents and sister. Now he is begging us all not to tell anyone. He now claims his therapist says that it was a scheme he thought up because it was the only way I could understand that he wanted a divorce and didn't want to hurt me. In other words he is really not gay. Yea right. I am begging women not to fall into this sick elaborate trap. What kind of a mind could think of this? Apparently a very scared and sickly complex one. Five years ago I would have believed it. I would have wanted to believe it in the worst way. But all I can say is you have to be ready to hear and feel it. Nothing I say or you say can convince a broken heart but reading about it takes you down the path you may not initially want to be on but you know it is the right road. Many thanks for you and the work you do. I would be willing to help in any way and thank you for introducing me to Kathi. We correspond at least weekly and hope to meet each other soon.

Very sincerely yours,
Susanne

I found this letter so disturbing because the words rang so true about hoping that my ex would hit me so I’d have something to go to the police or my friends about. I so desperately wanted to have the visible black and blue bruises on me so I could prove that he was an abuser.

So many of us are emotionally broken down, and yet there is no law against this. No one will arrest your husband for stripping you of your sense of self-worth and self-esteem. By law, that is not a punishable crime.

I remember an incident during my marriage many years ago when my ex was so angry because our house was robbed while we went shopping. When we returned, he found some family jewelry missing from his drawer. Of course, he blamed me and began ranting and raving. He was screaming that I was careless and left the door unlocked. I knew that wasn’t the case, but he just kept yelling and yelling so loud. At that time, I knew he was enamored with a17-year-old drug user and I snapped back that I was sure he was the thief. I tried to get up in his face so he would hit me or push me against the wall. I was hoping that his rage would turn to violence because I couldn’t stand the constant rage and accusations. He restrained himself in spite of my urging and didn’t hit me, just pushed me a little. Certainly it was not enough to warrant the police coming to take him away although the neighbors called them because they were fearful for my safety. When they arrived, I assured them there was no problem. After all, I did have to protect him, right? Several days after that incident, my suspicions proved correct, but the emotional damage was done.

As Susanne said, it was really so sad and pathetic. I feel a great sense of shame and embarrassment at this point of time to think that my life had been reduced to wanting violence to be used against me just so someone would believe I was suffering. And this suffering weakens us into a state of inaction, unable to stand up for ourselves.

On Susanne’s second point, as I told you in the last issue of the newsletter, the Straight Gay Men will very likely remarry and bring this misery on to another woman. Even if they slipped the truth to you once, don’t look for it to slip out again. In fact, be prepared for your husband to use some kind of evasive excuse such as, “You misinterpreted what I said, “ or “You didn’t hear what I was saying.”

This brings me to another survey question for women who are married to the Straight Gay Men. If your husband started seeing another woman, do you think you should tell her or let her find out for herself? Please email me with your thoughts on this one. I will share my own personal experiences with you next month about what I did when my ex-husband had a woman fall madly in love with him several years ago.

Remember, you never have to suffer alone. There is lots of support available to all of you. The wonderful members of my on-line support group and others who write to me are ready to give help to anyone who needs it. If you would like a “pain-pal” to help you through this confusion, just let me know and I will find a match for you.


Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???