HEY, BONNIE KAYE, I’M GOING TO BE THE EXCEPTION TO YOUR RULE
at the moment of confession will not be the way it will stay indefinitely. I go on to state that when a husband is finally ready to reveal his sexuality, it is not unusual for him to try desperately to find a way to keep his marriage together if he is not ready to leave it. Most men don’t confess the truth until they are ready to leave the marriage, but some reveal the information in an effort to “cleanse their guilt” and hope that this will absolve them from their homosexuality. After all, isn’t confession good for the soul?
A few of these women get angry with me claiming that I don’t understand. Their husbands are good men who have been wonderful husbands and fathers except in this one instance. They can’t understand why I would want to break up a perfectly good marriage when they could get help to resolve this one problem. And their husbands chime in. “I can change. I will go for help and be able to keep my marriage together.” And they begin to go for family counseling together, finding out ways to work around this problem that will make the couple live happily ever after forever. They will show me that my jaded views on straight/gay marriages are not true in every case.
So, let me reiterate this again. I know that there are exceptions to every rule. I am sure that there must be a marriage out there that is working out well, even though I haven’t found it yet. It all depends on what you consider to be a marriage that is working.
Recently, an angry woman refuted the information that I sent to her, calling me on numerous quotes from the newsletters. She claimed that her marriage was wonderful in most ways. In fact, in one of her correspondences to me she stated,
“I think because of his gay tendencies, he has been more attentive, more loving, more sensitive, more compassionate....His gay side has been an attribute to his personality.”
I don’t doubt these words. Most of us fell in love with our gay husbands because they were attentive, sensitive and compassionate.
Another statement she made was:
“I was a confident, fulfilled, happily married woman, wife and mother. He did have a secret life going on but it did not affect me, or how I was living. Not until he "came out" did our lives begin to change, and I sense that they will turn for the better, not for the worse, or the dissolving of our marriage.”
I am not quite sure what this means. To me, if a husband is having a secret life, how can it not affect you when the news comes out? I personally believe that this information means that the life you think you were living with someone is a lie. And not just a little fib, but a totally big lie. If a husband is having a secret life apart from you, regardless of the sexuality issue, how does this equate to something that will make your marriage turn for the better? If any of you understand this, please educate me—I’m a willing learner.
She then continues:
“I take it from this that you believe that there is simply NO WAY that you will support those trying to keep their marriages in tact, you even say that you will REFUSE to support anyone, like us, who is determined to keep our marriage together, and that you will only give support and understanding to those that are dissolving their marriages. It seems as if you are an advocate for divorce instead of restoration. We are looking for restoration, not devastation.”
Well, yes, that is true. I just don’t know how in good conscience to give support to couples who want to keep these marriages together. I don’t know how to tell any woman that she has to try to understand that her husband will always on some level be attracted to other men. I don’t know how to advise women that no matter how hard they try to be good wives that this will never be enough to stop their husbands from wanting to have sex with men. I don’t know how to get women to erase from their minds and memories the information that they have come to learn, nor do I know why I should expect them to accept this as acceptable in a marriage based on trust between two people.
And I’m okay with this. I’ll take my chances keeping my points of view. I know that there are marriages that are coping through this situation for various reasons. They are staying together because it fits whatever needs are there. They can be for financial reasons, family reasons, or emotional reasons. And I am willing to give support to anyone who is in a marriage like this as long as they understand that I am not supporting the marriage—but rather her.
The women that I work with are in all different phases of their lives. Although the majority of women are divorced, some are still in their marriages. But those who are in them have no false illusions or hopes. They are there physically because of circumstances, but they are not there mentally or emotionally. I give them support so they do not get lost in an emotional blitz of unreality and denial. Some women just can’t make the break at the moment, but they don’t delude themselves into thinking that their marriages are working. They are working the marriage because at the moment, they need to for various reasons. They are wise to the fact that their marriages will never be what they need them to be, and they don’t try to make them into something that they can’t be. They know that when the right time arises, they will be able to physically leave as well.
Chances are, if you are married and on the mailing list for this newsletter, you know exactly what I mean. Sometimes women are stuck in relationships due to various predicaments. I have a number of you whom I correspond with regularly who are there out of obligation because your husbands are ill and you can’t walk away. You are good women who have made a conscious decision to do what you have to for the time being until the opportunity comes when you can break free and live with your own conscience. But to encourage you to stay in your marriages by telling you to forgive your husband for marrying you knowing he was gay, or to understand that he later came to terms with his homosexuality and it’s not a big deal, would be ludicrous. I won’t do it. I can’t do it.
As I advised this woman, there are people you can find who can accept this way of life. The Internet affords people the opportunity to search for magical answers and solutions that fit everyone’s needs if you search long and hard enough that I don’t give. There are couples who are living with homosexuality in their marriages and somehow coping with it and even accepting it. And there are all kinds of well meaning and professional people out there who will tell them they are doing the right thing. I am sure that Dr. Laura would advise couples to make their marriages work by telling the gay husband to hold off on acting on his sexual impulses until the children are grown. After all, it’s much better for children to be raised by two parents than one, which is not the way I feel when a marriage is just a functional marriage. I’m don’t know how gay men put aside their feelings for twenty years or so and don’t act on them, but if they can, more power to them. I’m sure there are men out there who are doing this even though I haven’t ran across them. And in all fairness, is this the right thing to do to the wife? Give her a sense of false security that the marriage is workable until the children are grown and then say, “Well honey, the kids are grown and now it’s time for me to pursue my own life?” Now that the wife has invested years of her time building a marriage, she is faced with the same nightmare only at a later time when she has to start over and it’s more difficult because years of her life have been wasted in a relationship that is ending.
And one last comment that I’d like to share with you that offended this woman:
“I resent being told that "Gay men do not belong married to straight women. Period. " How can you say that with such absoluteness, without knowing individual situations? This implies ALL, every single one. That none should be married. Period. How can you make such a definite, 100% claim?”
All I can say here is that I stand by my words. Gay men do not belong in marriages to straight women. Period. 100%.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Monday, October 1, 2001
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter October, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 8
FACING OUR FEARS OF DEALING WITH A GAY HUSBAND
In my last newsletter, I promised that I would address the most common fears women have when they are finally able to accept that they are married to a gay man. These are the same fears I had when I learned about my husband. I think that the fear of the unknown is much more difficult to deal with than the truth. These questions are painful, but they need to be discussed to alleviate some of your irrational worries and help you understand your rational ones.
Q If my husband is gay, will my children be gay?
A. It’s possible. I was scared for years. I believe that gay is genetic, not a choice or learned behavior, and I know that genes can be passed on to children. In the 1980’s as I met a greater number of families and started calculating multiple homosexual members of the immediate or extended family, I began to see a pattern that really alarmed me. No one wants to have a homosexual child. That is not a homophobic statement at all, but rather one based on a mother’s love for her child. We all know how difficult it is to be gay in our society, and we don’t want our children to have to face those hardships. However, recognizing that this was possible, I raised my children in an environment of positive feelings about homosexuality from a young age.
I corrected them when they would repeat derogatory statements they heard from friends, classmates, teachers, neighbors, and even television. I was honest about my friends who were openly gay and allowed them to serve as role models long before they knew about their father’s homosexuality. I emphasized that people had no choice in their sexuality any more than they had a choice in their color, height, or eye color. Just because people were different, it didn’t make them wrong or bad. I did this because I knew there was a greater chance of one or both of my children being gay because their father was gay. And, I later learned that my ex-husband’s father was “bisexual,” even though Michael had never met him because he was adopted by extended family members at birth.
As things turned out, our daughter, now 21, is a lesbian. When I discovered this two-and-a-half years ago, I cried. No matter how much you prepare yourself for this possibility, you still cry when it becomes a reality. And when I finished crying, I hugged her and told her that I didn’t care—and I don’t. My daughter told me that thanks to my attitude, she was able to accept who she was without running away from it and hiding like her father felt he had to do. She was comfortable with her sexuality. For that, I am grateful. I know all of the confusion and pain her father lived with for years trying to accepting himself. I assure you that my daughter will not be marrying some unsuspecting man to prove that she is straight. I feel good about that. Ironically, it was much easier for me to accept my daughter’s homosexuality than it was for her father to accept it. And, her father is extremely defensive and angry if I bring up the fact that this is genetic, as if I am blaming him. There is no blame here, nor do I hold him responsible. But I know there is a part of him that feels responsible even though there is no blame intended.
I have spoken to so many women who have experienced one or more of their children being gay or struggling with accepting their homosexuality. I know that it is heartbreaking, but don’t let this be a barrier between you and your child. By now you should understand that homosexuality is not a choice that anyone would consciously make. There are no choices when it comes to this. Love your child without letting this become an issue, otherwise you will both lose out. And in case this is a fear that becomes your reality as it did mine, stop the negative gay talk in front of your children lest they get the message that there is something wrong with them that will stop you from loving them if they are gay.
Q. Can my child’s sexuality be influenced if she/he spends time with his/her father and sees his lifestyle?
A. Absolutely not. Gay is not something that can be influenced when it comes to a person’s sexuality. No one can “become” gay by hanging around gay people. Sexuality does not “rub off” on children. It can influence their opinions in either a positive or negative way about homosexuality, but it doesn’t “turn them gay.” I find it so sad when I receive letters from time to time from women who have this terrible fear and for that reason, do their best to keep their children out of the reach of the fathers. This certainly can’t help the situation and in fact, only worsens it. A child needs a father, and sexuality shouldn’t be the issue. Responsible parenting should be the only concern. That being said, a gay father also has the responsibility to be sensitive to a child’s feelings. If a child is uncomfortable being in a gay environment such as parties, picnics, social gatherings, etc., that should be the first consideration. Also, it isn’t surprising that a child will feel uncomfortable with the father’s lifestyle, especially during adolescence. No matter how much a child loves a father, it doesn’t mean he or she is going to be comfortable with homosexuality through those difficult years. .
Q. Do I have to worry about my gay husband being around my son? I read stories about some gay men liking younger boys and it scares me. And what about his gay friends? Will they go after my son?
A. I understand this fear. It comes from the darkest side of the horror stories that we tend to hear when learning about homosexuality. I think a lot of this fear comes from the fact that our own husbands or ex-husbands are fixated on younger men. But it’s ironic how we don’t fear for our daughters when we are married to straight men. The thought of incest would never cross our minds, even though there is a far greater number of a father-daughter incestuous relationship than there are gay father-son concerns. I won’t say that this doesn’t happen or can’t happen, but I certainly wouldn’t worry about this happening. This is a very irrational fear. Just because a person is gay doesn’t mean that he is a child molester. It is so important to be able to differentiate between homosexuals and pedophiles.
Homosexuals often get the bum rap of being pedophiles, which is very disturbing to me. Pedophiles prey on innocent children, male and female, without much differentiation on whom they victimize. Even within the realm of pedophilia, there are many different kinds of child molesters, which make the situation even more complex. However, it is not unusual for gay men to like guys who are much younger than they are. We feel this sense of discomfort when we find many of our husbands going after or out with younger men once they come out. This certainly does seem to be the natural trend with gay men, especially when they come out at a later age. I have no concrete answer on why this happens, just numerous theories formed from the answers I’ve received from the gay men that I discuss this with, including my own ex-husband. Some say it’s because they are recapturing their own youth; others say they are finally being able to act on the attraction they’ve had since they were that age but never had the chance to act on it.
Although the following statement will offend the sensitivities of some of my gay friends, I’ll risk it. The value system of gay men differs from the value system of straight women when it comes to acceptance of having sexual relations with younger men in their teenage years. What would be totally unacceptable for us to accept as proper conduct is quite acceptable within the gay way of thinking. I am not sure where gay men draw the line of acceptable ages for pursing young men. However, I don’t think that many gay men would object to a man at any age having sexual encounters with teenagers who are 17 or 18. The concern we all have is where does the line stop the drop. Is 16 okay? Is 15 or 14? 13? There are some very shaky grounds when we speak about this.
As wives or ex-wives, the thoughts of our husbands being with young men whom we see as teenagers is a repulsive thought. We would feel a sense of repulsion of our husbands were straight and pursing 17 year old girls, so it’s not just a gay issue. However, we are so devastated by the imagery of our husbands with other men, that the thought of them being with younger men still in their teens is far more discomforting to us. This added to the fact that this is not only acceptable but also common behavior within the gay community is what is so upsetting to us. The explanation that these teenage boys are seeking older men because it represents a sense of security, experience, and stability doesn’t comfort us at all. We are still sickened at the visualization.
We are also worried about our own sons. It’s a common fear that most of us have on some level. Will our husbands’ friends be pursing our sons as they go through their adolescent years? I worried about it. Is it a rational fear? I don’t know, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way.
Q. Now that I know that my husband is gay, do I have to be worried that I have AIDS?
A. I think this is the first thing that comes to the minds of women once the words of “gay” are spoken. They are petrified that they might be infected with AIDS. Obviously, there is still a lot of misconceptions about AIDS or else they wouldn’t be so worried. Ironically, most of the women who write to me about this fear haven’t had sexual relations with their husbands for years. They have nothing to worry about. Is it possible to get AIDS without sex? Well, I won’t say no but the chances of it happening are so remote. AIDS is not airborne, nor can you get it from drinking from the same glass, using the same towel, or sharing the same bed. It is transmitted through blood or semen, so if you and your gay mate have been sharing needles it is possible. Once blood reaches the air, the virus dies within a matter of seconds. So unless your husband has been bleeding on you after he is cut and you have an open wound, I wouldn’t worry about it. I tell women that if it will give you peace of mind to be tested, than do it. But there is no reason to have this irrational fear if you haven’t had sexual relations with your husband for over a year.
But, if your husband has had recent sexual relations with you, then definitely get tested. Even if he tells you that he hasn’t acted on his homosexuality, get tested anyway. Gay men coming out to their wives often lie about their sexual experiences because it is too difficult to tell the truth. Sometimes the truth comes out weeks, months, or years later. Sometimes it never comes out. So you do need to protect yourself and get tested.
If you have had recent sexual relations with your husband, it is good to check out all sexually transmitted diseases—not just AIDS. Numerous women have had complications because they had STDs and were not aware of it until complications prevailed. STDs can fester for a while before they appear so you may think you’re safe when you’re not.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
In my last newsletter, I promised that I would address the most common fears women have when they are finally able to accept that they are married to a gay man. These are the same fears I had when I learned about my husband. I think that the fear of the unknown is much more difficult to deal with than the truth. These questions are painful, but they need to be discussed to alleviate some of your irrational worries and help you understand your rational ones.
Q If my husband is gay, will my children be gay?
A. It’s possible. I was scared for years. I believe that gay is genetic, not a choice or learned behavior, and I know that genes can be passed on to children. In the 1980’s as I met a greater number of families and started calculating multiple homosexual members of the immediate or extended family, I began to see a pattern that really alarmed me. No one wants to have a homosexual child. That is not a homophobic statement at all, but rather one based on a mother’s love for her child. We all know how difficult it is to be gay in our society, and we don’t want our children to have to face those hardships. However, recognizing that this was possible, I raised my children in an environment of positive feelings about homosexuality from a young age.
I corrected them when they would repeat derogatory statements they heard from friends, classmates, teachers, neighbors, and even television. I was honest about my friends who were openly gay and allowed them to serve as role models long before they knew about their father’s homosexuality. I emphasized that people had no choice in their sexuality any more than they had a choice in their color, height, or eye color. Just because people were different, it didn’t make them wrong or bad. I did this because I knew there was a greater chance of one or both of my children being gay because their father was gay. And, I later learned that my ex-husband’s father was “bisexual,” even though Michael had never met him because he was adopted by extended family members at birth.
As things turned out, our daughter, now 21, is a lesbian. When I discovered this two-and-a-half years ago, I cried. No matter how much you prepare yourself for this possibility, you still cry when it becomes a reality. And when I finished crying, I hugged her and told her that I didn’t care—and I don’t. My daughter told me that thanks to my attitude, she was able to accept who she was without running away from it and hiding like her father felt he had to do. She was comfortable with her sexuality. For that, I am grateful. I know all of the confusion and pain her father lived with for years trying to accepting himself. I assure you that my daughter will not be marrying some unsuspecting man to prove that she is straight. I feel good about that. Ironically, it was much easier for me to accept my daughter’s homosexuality than it was for her father to accept it. And, her father is extremely defensive and angry if I bring up the fact that this is genetic, as if I am blaming him. There is no blame here, nor do I hold him responsible. But I know there is a part of him that feels responsible even though there is no blame intended.
I have spoken to so many women who have experienced one or more of their children being gay or struggling with accepting their homosexuality. I know that it is heartbreaking, but don’t let this be a barrier between you and your child. By now you should understand that homosexuality is not a choice that anyone would consciously make. There are no choices when it comes to this. Love your child without letting this become an issue, otherwise you will both lose out. And in case this is a fear that becomes your reality as it did mine, stop the negative gay talk in front of your children lest they get the message that there is something wrong with them that will stop you from loving them if they are gay.
Q. Can my child’s sexuality be influenced if she/he spends time with his/her father and sees his lifestyle?
A. Absolutely not. Gay is not something that can be influenced when it comes to a person’s sexuality. No one can “become” gay by hanging around gay people. Sexuality does not “rub off” on children. It can influence their opinions in either a positive or negative way about homosexuality, but it doesn’t “turn them gay.” I find it so sad when I receive letters from time to time from women who have this terrible fear and for that reason, do their best to keep their children out of the reach of the fathers. This certainly can’t help the situation and in fact, only worsens it. A child needs a father, and sexuality shouldn’t be the issue. Responsible parenting should be the only concern. That being said, a gay father also has the responsibility to be sensitive to a child’s feelings. If a child is uncomfortable being in a gay environment such as parties, picnics, social gatherings, etc., that should be the first consideration. Also, it isn’t surprising that a child will feel uncomfortable with the father’s lifestyle, especially during adolescence. No matter how much a child loves a father, it doesn’t mean he or she is going to be comfortable with homosexuality through those difficult years. .
Q. Do I have to worry about my gay husband being around my son? I read stories about some gay men liking younger boys and it scares me. And what about his gay friends? Will they go after my son?
A. I understand this fear. It comes from the darkest side of the horror stories that we tend to hear when learning about homosexuality. I think a lot of this fear comes from the fact that our own husbands or ex-husbands are fixated on younger men. But it’s ironic how we don’t fear for our daughters when we are married to straight men. The thought of incest would never cross our minds, even though there is a far greater number of a father-daughter incestuous relationship than there are gay father-son concerns. I won’t say that this doesn’t happen or can’t happen, but I certainly wouldn’t worry about this happening. This is a very irrational fear. Just because a person is gay doesn’t mean that he is a child molester. It is so important to be able to differentiate between homosexuals and pedophiles.
Homosexuals often get the bum rap of being pedophiles, which is very disturbing to me. Pedophiles prey on innocent children, male and female, without much differentiation on whom they victimize. Even within the realm of pedophilia, there are many different kinds of child molesters, which make the situation even more complex. However, it is not unusual for gay men to like guys who are much younger than they are. We feel this sense of discomfort when we find many of our husbands going after or out with younger men once they come out. This certainly does seem to be the natural trend with gay men, especially when they come out at a later age. I have no concrete answer on why this happens, just numerous theories formed from the answers I’ve received from the gay men that I discuss this with, including my own ex-husband. Some say it’s because they are recapturing their own youth; others say they are finally being able to act on the attraction they’ve had since they were that age but never had the chance to act on it.
Although the following statement will offend the sensitivities of some of my gay friends, I’ll risk it. The value system of gay men differs from the value system of straight women when it comes to acceptance of having sexual relations with younger men in their teenage years. What would be totally unacceptable for us to accept as proper conduct is quite acceptable within the gay way of thinking. I am not sure where gay men draw the line of acceptable ages for pursing young men. However, I don’t think that many gay men would object to a man at any age having sexual encounters with teenagers who are 17 or 18. The concern we all have is where does the line stop the drop. Is 16 okay? Is 15 or 14? 13? There are some very shaky grounds when we speak about this.
As wives or ex-wives, the thoughts of our husbands being with young men whom we see as teenagers is a repulsive thought. We would feel a sense of repulsion of our husbands were straight and pursing 17 year old girls, so it’s not just a gay issue. However, we are so devastated by the imagery of our husbands with other men, that the thought of them being with younger men still in their teens is far more discomforting to us. This added to the fact that this is not only acceptable but also common behavior within the gay community is what is so upsetting to us. The explanation that these teenage boys are seeking older men because it represents a sense of security, experience, and stability doesn’t comfort us at all. We are still sickened at the visualization.
We are also worried about our own sons. It’s a common fear that most of us have on some level. Will our husbands’ friends be pursing our sons as they go through their adolescent years? I worried about it. Is it a rational fear? I don’t know, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way.
Q. Now that I know that my husband is gay, do I have to be worried that I have AIDS?
A. I think this is the first thing that comes to the minds of women once the words of “gay” are spoken. They are petrified that they might be infected with AIDS. Obviously, there is still a lot of misconceptions about AIDS or else they wouldn’t be so worried. Ironically, most of the women who write to me about this fear haven’t had sexual relations with their husbands for years. They have nothing to worry about. Is it possible to get AIDS without sex? Well, I won’t say no but the chances of it happening are so remote. AIDS is not airborne, nor can you get it from drinking from the same glass, using the same towel, or sharing the same bed. It is transmitted through blood or semen, so if you and your gay mate have been sharing needles it is possible. Once blood reaches the air, the virus dies within a matter of seconds. So unless your husband has been bleeding on you after he is cut and you have an open wound, I wouldn’t worry about it. I tell women that if it will give you peace of mind to be tested, than do it. But there is no reason to have this irrational fear if you haven’t had sexual relations with your husband for over a year.
But, if your husband has had recent sexual relations with you, then definitely get tested. Even if he tells you that he hasn’t acted on his homosexuality, get tested anyway. Gay men coming out to their wives often lie about their sexual experiences because it is too difficult to tell the truth. Sometimes the truth comes out weeks, months, or years later. Sometimes it never comes out. So you do need to protect yourself and get tested.
If you have had recent sexual relations with your husband, it is good to check out all sexually transmitted diseases—not just AIDS. Numerous women have had complications because they had STDs and were not aware of it until complications prevailed. STDs can fester for a while before they appear so you may think you’re safe when you’re not.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
