IN MEMORY OF MY DAUGHTER JENNIFER
My daughter, Jennifer, age 22, died on April 14, 2002. Her young life was snuffed out due to medical complications from a serious drug addiction that overtook her life starting three-and-a-half years ago. For this reason, the April newsletter that comes out mid-month was delayed.
I would like to thank the dozens of people who were alerted through the various Straight Spouse groups who sent me beautiful messages of warmth and comfort. Your words have been overwhelmingly supportive and kind. The members of my own on-line support group have been extremely generous in their love and support. I would like to take a few moments to share some personal thoughts about the relationship between my daughter and me in hopes that it will shed some insight to those of you who are part of this large network.
As I reflect on the years that I had my daughter, I can say with good feelings that I take comfort knowing that I did everything humanly possible to help her through her troubled years. When I first learned of her addiction two months before the age of 19, I immediately admitted her into a drug recovery program, the first of a dozen or so that she entered and dropped from until her death. It was during this first stint that I learned that Jennifer was a lesbian. She did not reveal this information to me. Rather I found out from some of her friends when she ran away from the program with another young lady during her second month there. When she came to visit me several days later, I asked her why she never told me about her sexuality. I felt hurt that I had to find it out from her friends because she didn’t trust me enough to tell me. When she responded that she was afraid of hurting me, I was very confused and asked her why.
I had raised my daughter to be understanding and tolerant of homosexuality. From the time she was a young child, I was very careful to project positive images of gay people. I developed some wonderful gay friends through my support group in the 1980’s who were part of her life. I was very emphatic in telling her that gay people had no choice in their homosexuality—they were born that way. I felt the need to reinforce that regularly for two reasons. First, I never wanted her to feel that her father “chose” homosexuality over his family. It was difficult enough living in a homophobic world without thinking that a father would prefer that way of life if given a choice. But more importantly, I knew statistically that children with a gay parent had a higher chance of being gay themselves. My years of research had proven that to me. I believe that gay is genetic, and it would only follow that the gene could be passed on to some of the children. I was always able to separate my anger towards my ex-husband’s irresponsibility from homosexuality.
My daughter’s response: “Mom, I didn’t want to hurt you because I know how much dad has put you through.” I was stumped. I asked her if I ever led her to believe that I had a problem with homosexuality. She said, “Absolutely not.” I next asked her if she thought I would be disappointed that she was a lesbian. She replied, “I’m not sure.” No matter how accepting I felt about homosexuality, and no matter how many times I said it would never bother me if my children were gay, she wasn’t sure when it became a reality if I would feel the same way.
Truthfully, I was initially numb when I found out that Jennifer was a lesbian. Was I happy about it? No. But it wasn’t because of homosexuality. I just knew how much harder life would be for her as a gay person. But, after the initial numbness passed in a day or two, I fell into an easy acceptance. Homosexuality was never an issue for me when it came to my daughter. Her drug problem was my only concern. I embraced all of her girlfriends over the next three years hoping she would find one that would give her a greater sense of stability and happiness.
Some people have asked me if I thought my daughter’s drug habit resulted from her homosexuality. After all, drugs and alcohol are a common problem in the gay community. That’s because the pain of being gay is too difficult for many who don’t have accepting mothers. This was not Jennifer’s case. She had no problem being a lesbian. That was one area of her life that she was totally comfortable and happy about. She had a large “PRIDE” tattoo engraved on her arm several years ago with all of the rainbow colors. She became active in the gay recovery movement during the times when she was clean. In fact, last year when she had her longest clean period of six months, she worked at the drug recovery booth at the Philadelphia Gay Pride parade. She laughed at the end of the day when she brought me a bunch of leftover flavored condoms she gave out at the booth saying, “Ma, you need these more than I do.”
When I think back to the day I revealed my daughter’s homosexuality to my ex-husband shortly after I first learned about it, I remember the great irony of that moment. He went on a screaming rampage that shocked even me. He started yelling, “How could she do this?” He then went on to blurt out a number of obscenities. I was really stumped. He was sure that it the drugs were turning her “temporarily” gay. Over the next few years, he came up with numerous theories about Jennifer’s homosexuality and tried to convince her that it was just a “passing phase” that would change if she overcame her addiction. He was embarrassed by Jennifer’s comfort with her sexuality because he was so uncomfortable with his own homosexuality. When she would visit him and he had company, he would ask her to cover the tattoo. He constantly bemoaned the fact that now she wouldn’t have grandchildren, and periodically kept hoping that she would at least meet a man and have a grandchild to carry on his legacy. What can I say?
The funniest thing is he would occasionally try to blame me for Jennifer’s homosexuality stating that I must have been too much of an “overbearing mother,” similar to the one he had. My ex just didn’t buy into the genetic inborn thing when it concerned him. He made sure to tell me on various occasions, “Don’t try to blame me. It has nothing to do with me. After all, I wasn’t born gay.” He always feels better thinking that he was “made” gay and not born that way. I never blamed him, I just stated my feelings that it was a passed on gene. Homosexuality is not a “fault” to be blamed on anyone. People have no control over this anymore than they have control over their eye color.
` When my ex wasn’t blaming the drugs, he would blame her appearance. Jennifer was a heavy-set young woman and he believed her lack of an attractive figure made her believe that she had more options finding women than men. This was his craziness in thinking. In my heart, I believe that he feared people would question his carefully hidden sexuality if they knew she was gay. As usual, it was always about him. And yet, in some of his more vulnerable moments, he would admit that he was glad that she was comfortable with her sexuality, even if he wasn’t comfortable with his.
Last July, my daughter fell in love with a woman. They were both in programs at that point and met through the recovery community. There is a rule in the recovery world that states people should avoid romantic relationships until they are clean for at least a year. This is based on statistics that show people who get romantically involved with other people in recovery during the first year are likely to relapse together under pressure. Go tell that to a young woman whose hormones are raging and need to feel love and security are at their height. Jennifer knew the rule but couldn’t abide by it. She had a string of involvements over the past few years, but none that lasted for any length of time until she met Raina. Raina had been clean for eleven months. It didn’t take long for them to fall down together shortly after they met. I accepted this woman as if she were my own daughter, even though her own family had abandoned her. She took care of Jennifer the best that she could. They were totally intertwined in their love and their addiction. They would try to pull each other up, and then they would knock each other down.
I certainly don’t blame Raina for my daughter’s demise. Jennifer did that all on her own. She developed hepatitis and a bowel instruction brought on by the heroin. This was also complicated by chronic asthma. In the end, her drug-ravaged body just gave out.
There is a point I would like to make in sharing this story with you. Over the past two weeks since this tragedy, I have been processing a lot of emotional feelings, which is natural under the circumstances. When my moments of rationale surpass my emotionalism, I sit down and add to this tribute because my thoughts are clearer. I think one of the best gifts I gave my daughter throughout her life was unconditional love regardless of who she was or what she did. I also feel a great sense of relief that my daughter didn’t have to struggle with one additional problem in her short-lived life, namely her sexuality. I never made her hide her tattoo or gave her any indication that I loved her any less or differently because she was a lesbian. She was very appreciative and stated that to me during numerous conversations between the two of us and with her friends. I embraced her girlfriends and never made them feel like I judged them because I did not. I was proud that my daughter felt comfortable in who she was, at least sexually. Being gay did not turn her into a drug addict. As I said earlier, I was always able to separate my anger of what my ex-husband did to me during and after our marriage from my feelings about homosexuality. Because I could do this, I have hundreds of wonderful memories to carry with me through the empty years ahead.
There is something you can learn from my experience and tragedy. Homosexuality is not a choice. Don’t transfer your personal anger against your gay husband to your children in terms of the sexuality issue. You don’t know how the sexuality of your children will end up. If they sense your hostility towards homosexuality, it may create years of hardship for them to come to terms with themselves, just like it happened to your husband. It can also alienate you from having a loving relationship with your children.
I know I’ve passed this message on before, but now, more than ever, it needs to be said again.
Wednesday, May 1, 2002
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