DECEMBER, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 21 "UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS… FOR US."

UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS… FOR US

Well, there’s no place like home for the holidays, as the song goes. But then again, chances are the person who wrote that song didn’t have a gay spouse. This is the time of year that hurts the most when you are living with a gay husband, whether he be in the closet, out of the closet, claiming to be “Bisexual” or promising he’ll never act on it. It doesn’t matter what the status is when the situation comes down to the same bottom line. There is no way to feel happy when your heart is breaking and your life is always tilting over the wrong way.

The season between Thanksgiving and Christmas is depressing for many people for various reasons. But for us, there is a special sadness because we know the joys that were meant for us just aren’t happening—nor will they be happening in the future with the men we married. We have to face a whole new set of hopes and dreams on our own or with someone else. Some of you are still stuck in the same muck as you were last year during this holiday season, and to you, I am sorry. I’m sorry because I know that no matter how much decking up your halls with boughs of holly you do to create an illusion, there’s no action happening under the mistletoe with your husband. Or, shall I say there’s no action happening for you with your husband under that hanging plant. If you’re waiting for some action or some passion, don’t bother wasting your time standing paralyzed with hope under a clump of green hanging from your ceiling.

What’s even worse is that the start of the holiday season seems to have moved back a month this year. I heard those holiday carols start playing as soon as Halloween was over. That gives us an extra four weeks to have to be reminded of the cheer of the season, which doesn’t belong to us.

Why are these days worse than any other time of the year? Because this is a time when you are forced to get together with other family members and friends and “put on a happy face” as the saying goes. It’s your time to be on stage with one of your great performances. You need to convince everyone around you that life is really wonderful, just like that movie “It’s A Wonderful Life.”

You don’t want to ruin everyone else’s holiday just because yours has been ruined. This wouldn’t be fair, would it? This performance has to be of Academy Award caliber because there are lots of people out there that you need to fool, including co-workers, friends, family members, children, and sometimes—most importantly—yourself.

I say “yourself” because sometimes you are the most important person whom you need to fool. If you really had to face your feelings while going through this time of year, you’d be popping those anti-depressants by the handful. In order to survive the holiday season of “joy,” we put our emotions into a different psychological “mindset.” We suppress our feelings of emptiness and fill our lives with busywork to keep us running and doing, never allowing ourselves the luxury of time to think. Thinking would be counter-productive to the holiday spirit.

We look around us to grab onto anything and everything that will make us feel grateful for what we do have in life instead of what we don’t have. We stare at those beautiful creations our gay husbands have helped us create—namely, our children. How many times do I hear women say, “something came out good from my marriage—my children”? Almost all women with children tell me that. And it’s true. All of us who have children look at this as the pot of gold at the end of the dark storm where there’s really not a rainbow. This is not to negate the fact that you have these treasures, but they certainly aren’t growing up with the ideal family that you had envisioned when they were born. But not to be a “humbug” during these happy days, you create a winter wonderland of family unity, or shall I say, family fantasy.

And some of your husbands live up to the fantasy during these heartfelt holidays. They are on good behavior. They know that Santa Claus is coming to town, and there’s something magical about this time of year, even if you are a grinch or grouch for the other 11 months. Most of your husbands will step up to the plate for the “holly jolly holidays.” They’ll do their husbandly duties for the public puttin’ on the Ritz so to speak. Everyone will think that you are a happy loving family. Of course, in private, don’t expect that role to carry over—the one where they do their “husbandly duties.” That would really be pushing your luck.

The most difficult part of the holidays is the illusion of magic that is created. Everyone is on his best behavior. Your gay husbands are trying their best to do the family thing the right way. Those yearly traditions that they grew up with in their own families seem to surface around late November and linger until January 2 or so. It confuses us like hell. Just when we thought there was no hope for the future, this kinder, gentle, more loving husband pops up—reminding you of the days when you thought both of you were in love and your marriage would live happily ever after. And just as you’re mentally being dragged into this annual false sense of hope, boom, the New Year arrives and it’s over. Things are back to abnormal. Sad, isn’t it?

So if you are still stuck in a dark space, namely your marriage to your gay husband, try not to set yourself up for the big drop down. Face the season with reality. Don’t let misplaced kindness fool you. Enjoy it while it’s there, just to give you some peace in your ongoing storm, but don’t delude yourself that this is forever. It’s not—not by a long shot. It’s only the temporary holiday spirit of love that is floating in the air. It will be blown away with a strong gust before you know it. In spite of it, have a peaceful holiday and surround yourself with the people who love you the most during these difficult days.