ENLARGING THE CLOSET
I find it somewhat remarkable that we often find “men in the closet” the topic of our
conversations without mentioning whose keeping them company—namely, US. I would like to discuss this because too many women suffer from this “closetedness”, and they need to understand why.
It seems that no matter how rational the explanation is that we are not responsible for our husbands’ homosexuality, for some women, there is a part of you that somehow still feels responsible. I know this because I often speak to these women. Here’s a typical conversation:
“Bonnie, thanks so much for helping me understand about my husband’s homosexuality. Everything finally makes sense to me. It seems like all of those missing pieces of the puzzle are finally in place. Yes, I do understand that my husband was this way before I married him but he didn’t even know it himself.”
Then comes the next part:
“I can’t tell anyone. There’s no one I can discuss this with—not my family, not my friends, not my doctor, not my therapist, not my—well, not anyone.”
Then I ask, “How come? What’s the problem with discussing this with someone who is really close to you?”
The answer that comes:
“People won’t understand.”
And then I ask the question that hurts so much:
“Do you think they’ll blame you?”
Ouch. That’s the thought that hurts because I’m getting very close to the truth.
“Yes, people are going to blame me. They are going to think that I am the cause of my husband’s homosexuality. I can’t tell anyone this terrible secret.”
And then I ask the question:
“Do you feel in anyway that you’re responsible?”
Then I get the answer that makes me wince:
“Not really.”
“Well, sometimes.”
“Not usually.”
In other words, sorta, kinda, like maybe. Ugh. Just when I thought the worst was over, it’s still there. Mrs. Superwife is still feeling responsible in one way or another for her husband’s “choice” in sexuality.
This is so common in the months that follow the initial news about a husband’s homosexuality. No matter how many times a woman hears that it was not her fault, she doesn’t quite believe it. She can’t understand how the man who loved her, married her, made love to her, had children with her, and vowed to love her forever and ever until death do they part has been able to forget all of those beautiful life memories, commitments, and wedding vows. She still questions what she did wrong to make him turn this way. Somewhere in the part of the brain labeled “Logic,” there has been a total eclipse that has blanked out the truth in previously understanding the situation. Just when you think, “By George, I’ve got it,” a rush comes over you and you think “I don’t have a clue.” How did this happen?
Women have often commented to me that they feel they are hiding in the closets with their husbands. And they go one step beyond that—they are still in the closets when their husbands come out. They continue to feel isolated and alone in this situation no matter how much they know intellectually that there are millions of women in the same situation.
Sometimes being part of a small group is very isolating. But I know rare diseases that have far less membership than our group and they don’t seem embarrassed to discuss their problem. They may only have a few hundred people in their group. We have millions—and yet we still feel compelled to keep this information a secret.
I think that we always have a sense of shame or embarrassment that keeps us hidden away long after our husbands have made their disclosure to the outside world. Our husbands are often more willing to take the criticism that society throws at gays than we are. And you know what? I think society is far more ignorant when it comes to the situation of wives of gays than they are of gays.
What do I mean? I mean that society will sooner accept a gay person as gay than a straight woman who married a gay. We are the ones who are really facing the ignorance of society. As if we didn’t feel bad enough about ourselves when this whole thing happens, we have to face people’s stupidity not only while this is happening, but long after it’s over. But this ignorance is easy to understand. Look how many of us blamed ourselves for our husbands’ homosexuality until we started to understand that we were not the cause. And look how long it takes women to honestly believe they were not the cause. And as I said earlier, just when I think I have them convinced at least on an intellectual level, the emotions kick in a throw off the thinking ability. That’s when I hear the talk of, “I know I’m not responsible for my husband’s homosexuality, but I can’t stop wondering if maybe he would have suppressed those feelings all together if I had been more understanding…supportive…attractive….etc.”
Five steps forward, one giant step back. Add a few external messages from the hubby (“I swear I didn’t have these feelings when we married.”), the parents (“Why would he turn to a man? Are you sure? Maybe your imagination is over active. Maybe you aren’t meeting your wifely duties.”), the friends (“You must have known something. Come on, I could tell. Do you mean to tell me you couldn’t? Everyone suspects him.”), co-workers (“You didn’t know your husband was gay? Or is it you didn’t want to know? You must have been pretty stupid not to know that.”), or well meaning casual acquaintances (“He’s such a great guy. I can’t believe he’s gay. And even if he is, I wouldn’t mind having a guy like that anyway. He seems to be such a great husband. I could live with that little flaw.”)
How about when we bring it up to future potential dates or partners? First question: “Have you been tested for AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases?” And if you tell them that you haven’t had sex with your husband for 10 years, they still want proof. They still think AIDS can be spread through the air in your house. Some of them will not call back after they learn that your husband was gay as if you are carrying around a disease that can “turn” them gay. Or you feel so afraid of turning someone off whom you are looking to turn on that you leave out that part of the story of the past marriage. You are hoping that the new man will love you enough in time to overlook that part of your past and the news can wait until then. You are still living your husband’s lie for him long after he’s telling the truth.
It is difficult having to be an activist for a cause, and especially a cause where you are starting off with so much misunderstanding and ignorance. Sometimes it’s just less exhausting to keep mum. After all, your husband did it for years. And maybe you’ve been doing it for years. Thankfully there are others who are able to go out there and say, “My husband is gay, but I’m okay.” They share their stories with the newspapers, television, and radio getting the word out. Even I have become semi-closeted to protect the privacy of my son and my ex-husband. I wish I could do as I did in the old days and just show up for national television shows that keep inviting me now to let the world know how it really is. But as I tell others, always put the children first. They had no choice in being here. We have choices. I’ll just keep plugging away in the less visible media with hopes that the word will keep spreading.
What do you Think ???
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