LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS August, 2003

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS

I have had an increasing number of gay men who have been writing to me in recent months. For the most part, they are men who are either in marriages or recently left marriages and are having difficulty dealing with “guilt” for the unhappiness they have brought their wives and families.

I always applaud these men because they are honest—at least at some point. Whenever I read these stories, I feel tremendous compassion for the tragedy that has fallen on the families at all ends.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am writing about this at all. This newsletter is, after all, primarily there to support straight women who are suffering and struggling through this situation. But guess what? I’m there for the men also who are in pain and need support. Maybe misery loves company, but from where I’m sitting, no one has to really be miserable in the long run.

In my heart, I believe that most gay men who marry are hoping against hope that homosexuality will be a thought or thing of the past once marriage comes along to “save” them. And no matter how much most straight wives believe that gay men know they are gay when they get married, I don’t believe that at all. I have come to learn that there are many gay married men who haven’t acted on their homosexual feelings, or even had homosexual feelings, until years into the marriage.

Am I an apologist? Of course not. I’m just a realist and a humanist. And I’m also honest. I see both sides of this one-sided situation. I can’t even begin to imagine the struggle that gay men go through when learning to accept who they are. I understand all of the societal and family pressures that make them try so hard to be who they are not. I’ve seen all kinds of people trying to change because of fear. And in this time of enlightenment of humankind, some lights just seem to be snuffed out by ignorance. We are still living in a society that tells us that homosexuality is a deviant practice. Millions of vocal people still believe that there are choices to be made, and people can decide to be “straight” if only they try hard enough or are strong enough. It takes great courage and conviction to say, “The hell with what people think—I am what I am.” It takes courage because being who you are can result in terrible consequences such as the loss of family members including parents, being outcast in the community, discrimination on the job, and in some cases, physical violence by ignorant people who are looking to pounce on gays just because they are gay.

Until the day comes when gay is viewed no differently than straight, gay men who can “perform” straight sex, even minimally or poorly, will do all that they can to convince themselves that they are straight. Is this what I would call denial? No, this is what I would call illusion. Or delusion. At best, confusion. And how confusing must it be when gay men truly fall in love with straight women because love itself is confusing?

I have rarely met a gay man who has stated that he got married and didn’t love his wife. Maybe he wasn’t able to love her the way she needed to be loved, but how would he know that? How many straight men marry women who they really don’t totally love because they feel pressured or obligated? In a society that has a divorce rate that is nearly 50%, I’d say a lot. And even worse, how many bad straight marriages stay together when they should be ended because people are unhappy? Far too many that I see. People just get “stuck in the muck” and accept that this is what life is about. Yuck.

Now, that being said, let me return to my real issue. To summarize so that I am very, very clear:

1. I believe that most gay men who marry do love their wives when they marry them.
2. I believe that most gay men who get married try their best to be the kind of husband they think they’re supposed to be.
3. I believe that most gay men who marry really want to be straight.
4. I believe that most gay men who marry don’t think they are gay when they get married.

Am I doing good so far?

So let me analyze these statements a little further.

1. I believe that most gay men who marry do love their wives when they marry them. I don’t believe that most gay men who marry are looking to “use” their wives at the time of marriage. It is their real intent to pull things together and create a loving family unit. Some of these men have had homosexual sexual encounters, but they believe that this is “normal” for guys. Hey look, I grew up with those reports from knowledgeable doctors like Kinsey who said the majority of men have some kind of homosexual encounter sometime in life. Why shouldn’t we believe that it is “normal” to have a few innocent encounters? Also, sexuality is very confusing throughout the teens and 20’s. Almost any touch and feel can feel exciting. Plenty of straight women have told me that they had a good sex life in the early years of their marriage. That’s why so much confusion sets in. I think another issue here is that other gay men know who they are so much earlier in the game. They say that from the time they were small, they always knew they were attracted to men. This is an important lesson—not all gay men are the same, at least when it comes to recognizing who they are and what they feel. Acknowledged.

2. I believe that most gay men who get married try their best to be the kind of husband they think they’re supposed to be. Some are good husbands, at least for many years. They are good friends, good providers, good fathers, and good partners. They try to live up to the expectations of what married life is supposed to be. I know this because so many women write to me so brokenhearted after telling me that they had a wonderful marriage. I admit I found this hard to believe in the beginning. That’s because my own marriage was so miserable. But guess what? My ex had relationships with guys after me and they were just as miserable as my marriage was. He didn’t treat his partners with any more kindness than he treated me. It’s just who he is. He’s a solo act who does not belong in a loving relationship. I also believe, however, that even though they try, they fall short of the expectations. They are gay men living in a straight marriage. They don’t belong there because they are gay. They are trying to play a “role” that they can’t interpret the right way because it’s not who they are.

3. I believe that most gay men who marry really want to be straight. If someone has the opportunity to be straight, believe me he is going to take it. If he can feel love towards a woman, he’s going to give the straight thing his very best try. And why not? Why wouldn’t he at least try to be straight? Maybe this “marriage thing” will be what he needs to make those nagging feelings or suspicions fade away—FOREVER. I believe that many gay men love their wives so much that they are “Temporarily Straight.” I even believe that some men have no clue that they have male attractions when they marry—especially young. NOT EVERY MAN HAS A YEARNING FOR MEN FROM THE TIME THEY ARE YOUNG. Some do, but not all. Time seems to be the great determining factor. The more time that goes by, the less the straight thing seems to work. Everyone’s body seems to have a different timer when it comes to sexuality. There isn’t a set day, time, or age that every man feels that big pull. Some know it early on, but many really don’t know it until later on. There is no logical answer here or predictor of when these feelings will surface.

4. I believe that most gay men who marry don’t think they are gay when they get married. Okay, some men know or strongly suspect. But I believe that most gay men don’t know they are gay when they get married, even if they have had sexual encounters with other men. They mistakenly feel that gay sex is not part of being gay. They think that gay means you have to be part of the gay world—and they are not. They may have had gay sexual encounters, but it wasn’t personal or emotional—just sex. They didn’t love their sexual partners or in many cases, even known their encounter partners, nor had a desire to do so. It was just a sexual act. Big deal. Their “straight side” is far more dominant than that gay sex thing. They love their wives—they make love to their wives. And in most cases, they can enjoy sex with their wives—at least for a while. I also believe that those men who believe they are gay are hoping that with a loving marriage, they will become straight. I don’t think most gay men go into a marriage thinking, “I’ll be a straight husband for my wife, but a gay lover for my gay relationships.” They are really hoping that gay will go away.

I bring up these points for several reasons. I don’t want straight wives to think that gay husbands have evil intentions when they get married. I know this is ridiculous. Some marriages have wonderful years together, and these are the marriages that are the most difficult to move past. These are the marriages where women hang in hoping that someday their husbands will wake up and realize what they gave up. Some women get hung up on thinking that their husbands will come to their senses when they realize that they are throwing away their marriages and families over some sex act. They just can’t understand. Or in some cases, they just don’t want to understand. How can a sexual act mean more than the love of a family?

Ironically, those husbands who eventually tell the truth are the ones who are looking for more than sexual encounters. They are looking for a soulmate who can understand their needs. We are not the soulmates they are longing to hold, caress, hug, and feel intimacy with. We can’t fulfill that need because we are women.

I do admire the honest men even if it takes time for them to be honest. Who I feel contempt for are the dishonest men who will torture their wives for years by making them think that there is nothing wrong with them—only their wives. These are the cowards who go out and do their thing and continue to lie about it to their wives. These are the men who are denying who they are when they are out there doing their gay thing. These men are not in denial because they are not denying themselves anything. They are in ‘DENYING”—DENYING to their wives what the truth is. These are men who want it all—a straight life, gay sex, and a cover for the public at large.

Sadly, too many of these “Denying” men justify their actions by saying that they love their wives too much to tell them. They are willing to keep living their lies figuring what their wives don’t know can’t hurt them. So often I get letters from men telling me they are so torn because they love their wives so much. Now these are the men who I can convince to do the right thing because they really love their wives enough to stop hurting them. And it ain’t easy, believe me. It’s a process that we go through where I make them understand how much more they are hurting their wives by lying to and cheating on them. These are the men that I can convince that living a lie is NOT beneficial to their wives. They start to understand the detrimental effect it has on a woman when you are somewhere that you don’t want to be because it’s not where you should be. You start picking fights just so that sex doesn’t have to become an issue. No one wants to make love with a man who is insulting, angry, or detached. Unfortunately, it is rare for a straight wife to ever say, “I’m married to a jerk—he’s the loser.” Instead she says, “Why doesn’t my husband love me anymore? I’m the loser.” It’s human nature. Women are socialized that way. The failure in the marriage is “their” failure even though they are the best of wives. Sad, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, there are lots of selfish, insecure men out there who just will not be honest with themselves or with their wives. These are men who justify their misactions by saying that they are sex addicts, fetish lovers, or bisexuals. A rose by any other name is still a rose I say. The power of “DENYING” IS VERY POWERFUL.

I also feel anger for the gay husbands who finally come out when they are ready and expect that their wives are just as ready as they are to accept their news. It’s taken them 10 or 20 years to come to terms with their homosexuality, but it’s only supposed to take us 10 or 20 minutes. Give me a break. When men write to me and say, “It’s been a month since I told my wife. Why is it taking her so long to accept it?” I get angry. They lack compassion and understanding. They are in a big hurry to lead their new life without giving their wives the time they need to recover from the news. This is heart aching, marriage breaking news that is very hard for a straight woman to grasp all at once. Those men who wake up one day and decide they can be who they really are and say, “Hi Honey, I’m not home anymore” need to find a better way to make their announcements.

But enough with the bad guys. I’m here to praise the brave men who do what needs to be done, namely, telling the truth and looking for solutions for both partners for the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. I recognize your struggle. I sympathize with your pain. And I admire your integrity for leading your wives out of the darkness so that one day they can see the light again.

Much Love and Hope,

Bonnie Kaye

MAILBAG May, 2003

MAILBAG

Hi Bonnie,Just read your latest newsletter. Its strange how after years of distancing myself from those issues and working at rebuilding I relegate all "that knowledge" to an intellectual level, feeling that I am sooo beyond it - been there, done that and now I can dispassionately look at it without a shred of emotion......WRONG ! Out of the blue, something is said, or written and wham - hits me in the gut and I'm back there again crying my eyes out over the memories and pain I thought I'd cast away forever. This particular newsletter hit me that way ! You didn't introduce anything new.....nothing that all of us haven't mouthed and acknowledged a thousand times, yet....... perhaps the narrow focus, relentlessness and analogies you used presented such a concentrated dosage that the reader cannot help but have to face it. One can't circumvent it when faced with it in so strong a manner. At least I couldn't Every single point you made struck home with such familiarity!I'm sure I'm not the only one who reacted this way and for this, I thank you as it so needs to be said, repeated, emphasized over and over andover again, as all of us still carry shreds of this disquieting notion of mea culpa. Thank you for so dramatically and clearly presenting it.
Luv, Dina

Dear Bonnie Kaye,
I could just HUG you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your newsletter is RIGHT ON TARGET this month!!! I could never put into words how bad I felt about myself for the snooping and suspecting any man he ever talked to, the wild thoughts and visions that filled my every waking and sleeping moments ..... and the mental torment I put myself through, beating myself up for that!It is SO NICE to be OUT of the TWILIGHT ZONE, as you so perfectly put it! Admittedly, those thoughts or visions still creep in occasionally and I still have those "DUHHHHHH CLUE # 4,653 moments" when I remember something he said or something he did .... but, I know it was NOT MY FAULT and we truly WERE in different ballparks, although he had hung Yankee signs in the Boston park and I thought I was in NY.Thank you - thank you - thank you!!!!!!!! I REALLY needed this today!!!Keep up your good work ... you are helping more people than you will ever know!
Joanie

Bonnie,
Not taking the whole thing personally, like "If I had been a better wife,mother, and lover, I wouldn't be divorced!" is very hard. I need toremember that from time to time.On the subject of how they try to make it our fault, my x told me that Ispent too much time reading, doing craft projects and going to church. He accused me of wanting to make him into"Pot Roast Harry" whoever that is.........
I love you!
Judy

Dear Bonnie,

Wow. You really hit the nail on the head with this one. I feel like you totally understand what I went through in the years of my failing marriage and the self-blame in addition to my ex-husband's blame of me for its demise. I wish he could read your words and understand what a hellacious existence that was for me but alas, he still has his blinders on and will never really "get it", especially as intent as he is on hiding the truth and deflecting responsibility. He still insists we were both responsible for the break-up of our marriage and that my faults were grossly understated in relation to his big revelation about his attraction to men. He says all the things you mentioned: I was a nag, paranoid, had trust issues, couldn't love, couldn't give, was selfish, demanding, couldn't be pleased, had an attitude against men etc. etc. Damn, was I awful or what??And despite all this, he is still (2 years post-separation and divorce) trying to get me back and incredibly, sometimes the words even sound good to me! We have gone on some dates and been intimate a few times (I should shoot myself) but I don't know why I keep doing this!! I hate being a single parent and now being away from him its sometimes easy to get lulled into that false sense of security that maybe he's changed. (I am the one who wrote to you several months ago about his abuse and our ugly court battle) I have to see him all the time b/c of our 6 yr old daughter and it royally sucks because I can't seem to get on with my life.. He is heavily involved with the church and still won't admit to anyone his gay feelings etc. He insists he's never acted on it and yet he said that during the marriage and I was there when he made an open pass at another married guy!

It was devastatingly painful and thank you for this last newsletter reminding me of the craziness of that time. I swear to you, I had almost blocked it out. I am vulnerable and lonely and he still knows the buttons to push. Not to mention that I never wanted this--- to be single and a single mom and have no money, family life, support etc. I left HIM which he still insists is my fault but that he'd forgive me if I just came back to him etc. I only left him b/c of what you described! I couldn't win! Thank you so much for saying in words what happened b/c I've been getting as delusional as he is again.

Why on earth do you think he still wants me back? After the court battle, the ugliness and everything? He insists he has attractions to men but they're only a result of his insecurity and lack of feeling masculine and that he'd be faithful to me. I don't even know why I'm entertaining these things except that my self-esteem is very shot after all that stuff and now I don't feel good enough for anybody. Plus, I'm scared to death of losing custody of my little girl b/';c he presents so well and can make me look emotional and crazy. He is quite the actor, which I tend to forget at times. He swears he loves me and that he wants us to be a family again and sometimes I am just so WEAK, b/c that's what I always wanted and may never have. But I know it would never be real with him and I'll never trust him. I guess, I'm just pretty messed up huh?

Anyway, thanks for listening. I get a lot out of your newsletters. I even showed him a few when we'd gotten together and he thinks it's evil that anyone would be so much for the woman without understanding the men's point of view. He thinks you paint us as angels and the gay ones as devils, but I know that isn't true. You simply understand that we've had enough blame. We have been devastated by husbands who refuse to look at the wreckage THEY created. And as usual, and probably for always-- he just doesn't get it!

Thanks again,

Callie

Wow Bonnie,
just read the newsletter. Seems we have something else in common that really hit home. I tried to commit suicide 4 times in my life. Twice it was official because Dan found me and took me to the hospital (gee, thanks Dan). The last time wasn't all that long ago, and I ended up losing my 2nd leg because of it. I got up and probably rammed into a wall in my wheelchair, and ripped open my foot. Shortly thereafter I lost the leg. Was it all because of my marriage to a gay man? I'm not sure. My first suicide was when I was turning 21, and was so lonely and depressed, I took a bunch of my father's pills. Just made me sleep, but honestly was an attempt to take my life. I truly wanted to die. My life was so unhappy. This was exactly the time I met Dan, he pulled me out from that depression, but it was right after finding out that the love of my life (another man) was gay!!! Thinking about this, yes, it is because of gay men and my trust in them, that I've been so suicidal.

Anyway, thanks for sharing such intimate thoughts with all the people who read your newsletter. That was a brave thing to do. I'd really love to talk to you about those times. To actually have someone who understands what suicide is all about! Well, I could use that.

Love, Holly

Thank you, Bonnie, for your newsletters. Keep 'em coming! I'm especially looking forward to reading your next newsletter, as my husband keeps telling me his online gay porno visits are more of an addiction than a sexuality issue. He feels he is in touch with being bisexual, but is committed to me and our marriage, etc.....By the way, I'm in the throes of a really rough time dealing with this, and your newsletters are like a lifeline for me. My husband has been very desperate to keep the marriage going and has made suicidal statements. He is finally in therapy (after me begging him to talk to someone for three weeks) and has let his gay brother know what is going on (only after I went to his brothers office and told him, though). He actually went to three therapists before he settled on the husband/wife team he's currently seeing. The first two confronted his denial, and the third was actually a child psych we were consulting about how to tell our son we are separating (he hoped the psych would talk me out of it). But his brother and I don't anticipate he will be able to fully come to terms with this for quite awhile. His brother gives him two years, but I can't wait that long. His brother has begged me to stay with my husband for a couple months just to help him "catch up" to where I am.Meanwhile, my husband has tried EVERYTHING, including making reservations on a cruise (I immediately told him to cancel them) to try and get me to stay in the marriage. Just like you warned in one of your earlier newsletters -- he has become an Olympic champion trying to prove his true love (and sexual attraction) for me.

I feel even more betrayed, because I really trusted that my husband would have been honest with me about his sexuality. However, I'm seeing that he is so closeted EVEN TO HIMSELF that he is only beginning to fathom how his dishonesty has affected me.I am basically hanging in here (but not allowing any physical contact) for my son's sake until the end of the school year. I feel like we're setting up tag-team parenting. It's hard having to stay in the same house because I've never lost my own sexual attraction for my husband -- do you understand? And we had a pretty good sexual thing going on occasion. We had just come back from a two-week beach resort vacation and had a pretty good time -- but of course, it was just a week later I found all this porno stuff going on. And my reaction was not one of hurt or surprise, but rather, resignation, I think. It was like an "ah-hah; so THAT's what's been going on" moment.I want us to be able to maintain a friendship so that someday we can sit next to each other at one of our son's basketball games, and cheer for him together, even though we may by then have different partners. I know that's somewhat of a fantasy, but perhaps it can be a goal...So, all of this to say how important your newsletter is for me.
Danette


Dear Bonnie,
I just wanted to tell you what a light in the darkness you have been. I think your strength through all your trials- your gay marriage, and losing your beloved daughter- is a true testament to the human spirit and an inspiration to all of us who have been or are currently married to gay men.I always shouldered the burden for my husband's unhappiness before reading your letters. I also never allowed myself to be angry at my husband's treatment of me. Do you remember that quote by Gordon Liddy, the one he made while holding his hand over an open flame? He said "the trick is not to mind it." That quote went through my head constantly during my hellish marriage, and reading your and other women's stories made me realize that I did mind it, and that I should mind it.

Even now, my husband is coming back wanting some way to "work out" our marriage. I was able to show him your letter "what if we were married to straight men". I read him the sentence where you state that at best, it is a friendship and how it will never be the stuff that love songs and poetry were made of. How glad I was to have that the time when he was using 25 years of conditioning to convince me to return to the old life. So, thank you, I only hope now that I am stronger, I can pass the strength you have given me along to others.
Beth

Thank you, Beth, for reminding women about those important words of not settling for anything less than someone who will inspire you with his love.
Well, I know this has been a longer than usual newsletter, but the feedback was worth reading, wasn’t it? If you’d like to have me print your letter in my upcoming newsletters, just let me know. Or, if your feedback is filled with feelings that others can benefit from, I’ll be sending you a note asking permission to reprint.
Love, Bonnie Kaye