MAILBAG May, 2003

MAILBAG

Hi Bonnie,Just read your latest newsletter. Its strange how after years of distancing myself from those issues and working at rebuilding I relegate all "that knowledge" to an intellectual level, feeling that I am sooo beyond it - been there, done that and now I can dispassionately look at it without a shred of emotion......WRONG ! Out of the blue, something is said, or written and wham - hits me in the gut and I'm back there again crying my eyes out over the memories and pain I thought I'd cast away forever. This particular newsletter hit me that way ! You didn't introduce anything new.....nothing that all of us haven't mouthed and acknowledged a thousand times, yet....... perhaps the narrow focus, relentlessness and analogies you used presented such a concentrated dosage that the reader cannot help but have to face it. One can't circumvent it when faced with it in so strong a manner. At least I couldn't Every single point you made struck home with such familiarity!I'm sure I'm not the only one who reacted this way and for this, I thank you as it so needs to be said, repeated, emphasized over and over andover again, as all of us still carry shreds of this disquieting notion of mea culpa. Thank you for so dramatically and clearly presenting it.
Luv, Dina

Dear Bonnie Kaye,
I could just HUG you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your newsletter is RIGHT ON TARGET this month!!! I could never put into words how bad I felt about myself for the snooping and suspecting any man he ever talked to, the wild thoughts and visions that filled my every waking and sleeping moments ..... and the mental torment I put myself through, beating myself up for that!It is SO NICE to be OUT of the TWILIGHT ZONE, as you so perfectly put it! Admittedly, those thoughts or visions still creep in occasionally and I still have those "DUHHHHHH CLUE # 4,653 moments" when I remember something he said or something he did .... but, I know it was NOT MY FAULT and we truly WERE in different ballparks, although he had hung Yankee signs in the Boston park and I thought I was in NY.Thank you - thank you - thank you!!!!!!!! I REALLY needed this today!!!Keep up your good work ... you are helping more people than you will ever know!
Joanie

Bonnie,
Not taking the whole thing personally, like "If I had been a better wife,mother, and lover, I wouldn't be divorced!" is very hard. I need toremember that from time to time.On the subject of how they try to make it our fault, my x told me that Ispent too much time reading, doing craft projects and going to church. He accused me of wanting to make him into"Pot Roast Harry" whoever that is.........
I love you!
Judy

Dear Bonnie,

Wow. You really hit the nail on the head with this one. I feel like you totally understand what I went through in the years of my failing marriage and the self-blame in addition to my ex-husband's blame of me for its demise. I wish he could read your words and understand what a hellacious existence that was for me but alas, he still has his blinders on and will never really "get it", especially as intent as he is on hiding the truth and deflecting responsibility. He still insists we were both responsible for the break-up of our marriage and that my faults were grossly understated in relation to his big revelation about his attraction to men. He says all the things you mentioned: I was a nag, paranoid, had trust issues, couldn't love, couldn't give, was selfish, demanding, couldn't be pleased, had an attitude against men etc. etc. Damn, was I awful or what??And despite all this, he is still (2 years post-separation and divorce) trying to get me back and incredibly, sometimes the words even sound good to me! We have gone on some dates and been intimate a few times (I should shoot myself) but I don't know why I keep doing this!! I hate being a single parent and now being away from him its sometimes easy to get lulled into that false sense of security that maybe he's changed. (I am the one who wrote to you several months ago about his abuse and our ugly court battle) I have to see him all the time b/c of our 6 yr old daughter and it royally sucks because I can't seem to get on with my life.. He is heavily involved with the church and still won't admit to anyone his gay feelings etc. He insists he's never acted on it and yet he said that during the marriage and I was there when he made an open pass at another married guy!

It was devastatingly painful and thank you for this last newsletter reminding me of the craziness of that time. I swear to you, I had almost blocked it out. I am vulnerable and lonely and he still knows the buttons to push. Not to mention that I never wanted this--- to be single and a single mom and have no money, family life, support etc. I left HIM which he still insists is my fault but that he'd forgive me if I just came back to him etc. I only left him b/c of what you described! I couldn't win! Thank you so much for saying in words what happened b/c I've been getting as delusional as he is again.

Why on earth do you think he still wants me back? After the court battle, the ugliness and everything? He insists he has attractions to men but they're only a result of his insecurity and lack of feeling masculine and that he'd be faithful to me. I don't even know why I'm entertaining these things except that my self-esteem is very shot after all that stuff and now I don't feel good enough for anybody. Plus, I'm scared to death of losing custody of my little girl b/';c he presents so well and can make me look emotional and crazy. He is quite the actor, which I tend to forget at times. He swears he loves me and that he wants us to be a family again and sometimes I am just so WEAK, b/c that's what I always wanted and may never have. But I know it would never be real with him and I'll never trust him. I guess, I'm just pretty messed up huh?

Anyway, thanks for listening. I get a lot out of your newsletters. I even showed him a few when we'd gotten together and he thinks it's evil that anyone would be so much for the woman without understanding the men's point of view. He thinks you paint us as angels and the gay ones as devils, but I know that isn't true. You simply understand that we've had enough blame. We have been devastated by husbands who refuse to look at the wreckage THEY created. And as usual, and probably for always-- he just doesn't get it!

Thanks again,

Callie

Wow Bonnie,
just read the newsletter. Seems we have something else in common that really hit home. I tried to commit suicide 4 times in my life. Twice it was official because Dan found me and took me to the hospital (gee, thanks Dan). The last time wasn't all that long ago, and I ended up losing my 2nd leg because of it. I got up and probably rammed into a wall in my wheelchair, and ripped open my foot. Shortly thereafter I lost the leg. Was it all because of my marriage to a gay man? I'm not sure. My first suicide was when I was turning 21, and was so lonely and depressed, I took a bunch of my father's pills. Just made me sleep, but honestly was an attempt to take my life. I truly wanted to die. My life was so unhappy. This was exactly the time I met Dan, he pulled me out from that depression, but it was right after finding out that the love of my life (another man) was gay!!! Thinking about this, yes, it is because of gay men and my trust in them, that I've been so suicidal.

Anyway, thanks for sharing such intimate thoughts with all the people who read your newsletter. That was a brave thing to do. I'd really love to talk to you about those times. To actually have someone who understands what suicide is all about! Well, I could use that.

Love, Holly

Thank you, Bonnie, for your newsletters. Keep 'em coming! I'm especially looking forward to reading your next newsletter, as my husband keeps telling me his online gay porno visits are more of an addiction than a sexuality issue. He feels he is in touch with being bisexual, but is committed to me and our marriage, etc.....By the way, I'm in the throes of a really rough time dealing with this, and your newsletters are like a lifeline for me. My husband has been very desperate to keep the marriage going and has made suicidal statements. He is finally in therapy (after me begging him to talk to someone for three weeks) and has let his gay brother know what is going on (only after I went to his brothers office and told him, though). He actually went to three therapists before he settled on the husband/wife team he's currently seeing. The first two confronted his denial, and the third was actually a child psych we were consulting about how to tell our son we are separating (he hoped the psych would talk me out of it). But his brother and I don't anticipate he will be able to fully come to terms with this for quite awhile. His brother gives him two years, but I can't wait that long. His brother has begged me to stay with my husband for a couple months just to help him "catch up" to where I am.Meanwhile, my husband has tried EVERYTHING, including making reservations on a cruise (I immediately told him to cancel them) to try and get me to stay in the marriage. Just like you warned in one of your earlier newsletters -- he has become an Olympic champion trying to prove his true love (and sexual attraction) for me.

I feel even more betrayed, because I really trusted that my husband would have been honest with me about his sexuality. However, I'm seeing that he is so closeted EVEN TO HIMSELF that he is only beginning to fathom how his dishonesty has affected me.I am basically hanging in here (but not allowing any physical contact) for my son's sake until the end of the school year. I feel like we're setting up tag-team parenting. It's hard having to stay in the same house because I've never lost my own sexual attraction for my husband -- do you understand? And we had a pretty good sexual thing going on occasion. We had just come back from a two-week beach resort vacation and had a pretty good time -- but of course, it was just a week later I found all this porno stuff going on. And my reaction was not one of hurt or surprise, but rather, resignation, I think. It was like an "ah-hah; so THAT's what's been going on" moment.I want us to be able to maintain a friendship so that someday we can sit next to each other at one of our son's basketball games, and cheer for him together, even though we may by then have different partners. I know that's somewhat of a fantasy, but perhaps it can be a goal...So, all of this to say how important your newsletter is for me.
Danette


Dear Bonnie,
I just wanted to tell you what a light in the darkness you have been. I think your strength through all your trials- your gay marriage, and losing your beloved daughter- is a true testament to the human spirit and an inspiration to all of us who have been or are currently married to gay men.I always shouldered the burden for my husband's unhappiness before reading your letters. I also never allowed myself to be angry at my husband's treatment of me. Do you remember that quote by Gordon Liddy, the one he made while holding his hand over an open flame? He said "the trick is not to mind it." That quote went through my head constantly during my hellish marriage, and reading your and other women's stories made me realize that I did mind it, and that I should mind it.

Even now, my husband is coming back wanting some way to "work out" our marriage. I was able to show him your letter "what if we were married to straight men". I read him the sentence where you state that at best, it is a friendship and how it will never be the stuff that love songs and poetry were made of. How glad I was to have that the time when he was using 25 years of conditioning to convince me to return to the old life. So, thank you, I only hope now that I am stronger, I can pass the strength you have given me along to others.
Beth

Thank you, Beth, for reminding women about those important words of not settling for anything less than someone who will inspire you with his love.
Well, I know this has been a longer than usual newsletter, but the feedback was worth reading, wasn’t it? If you’d like to have me print your letter in my upcoming newsletters, just let me know. Or, if your feedback is filled with feelings that others can benefit from, I’ll be sending you a note asking permission to reprint.
Love, Bonnie Kaye