Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter November, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 9

DESTRUCTIVE COUNSELING

I get numerous requests from women all over the country asking me if I can refer them to a counselor or psychologist for help. This is a major responsibility, and I never refer anyone if I don’t personally know a therapist.

But this raises an important issue. I want to warn you about is finding incompetent or misguided counseling. This is something that disturbs me deeply because I receive letters from women who are investing hard earned money but obviously getting very poor and counterproductive advice which leaves them more confused and doubting of themselves. Most people are not familiar with the world of therapy and depend heavily on the feedback they receive from the counselor. I have learned over the years from women who tell me about the direction of their therapy that this can only add more problems to an already problematic situation.

The majority of women who write to me don’t need therapy—they need support. And once they learn that the problems they are facing in their marriage are not their problems but rather the problems of their husbands, they are able to find resolvable solutions just through the support of others who have experienced the same problem.

Recently, I have spoken to several women whose therapists are definitely giving them destructive information. These therapists don’t understand the dynamics of a straight/gay marriage. One woman this month told me about a therapist who doesn’t believe that her husband is gay. In this case the husband is fixated on gay pornography, but the therapist is saying that he’s a sex addict and not gay. She has him attending Sexual Addiction meetings and is encouraging the wife to stay focused on the marriage and not give up. The wife feels very discouraged because her husband continues to watch these gay videos on the computer while she is there, claiming that it excites him to do so because it is like “forbidden fruit.” She also knows from her own minimal sex life that her husband has sexual problems. And yet, she has been told to hang in with him because he is not gay. This is ludicrous. Watching gay pornography does not sexually arouse straight men. Trust me on this.

There are some women are going to marriage counseling with their husbands where the counselor is treating the couple as if it were any other couple with straight-couple problems. Let me assure all of you that going for marriage counseling together is not going to be the answer to fixing the marriage. Any therapist who tells you that the problems can be worked on in these marriages is really clueless. These are not marriages that have the traditional problems that other marriages face. These are a unique set of problems that need to be viewed in their own rite. And all of the counseling in the world is not going to make your husband’s desire for men magically disappear.

Another important problem that I want to mention is about counselors who hold their own personal beliefs as the truth in their therapy approach. These are therapists who have religious convictions that cloud their objectivity. In just this month alone, I spoke with five women who went to Christian based counseling. Their therapists advised them to stay in their marriages while their husbands found their way back to heterosexuality. Their train of thought is that homosexuality is chosen, not in-born. They believe that if these husbands understand the consequences of their actions, they will “choose” to be straight if given enough time and encouragement. Obviously, these women are having doubts about this kind of help being effective because they are writing to me out of frustration and despair. Although I do understand and respect religious personal convictions, I haven’t found any happy results from people who have to spend years of time trying to make something work based on someone’s ability to change into something that is not his nature. I know that people can change behaviors when forced to do so, but it doesn’t change what someone’s sexual orientation is. It’s somewhat like what they call “dry alcoholics.” There are people who stop drinking, but inwardly, they can’t change what they are. They are never happy, and they resent those around them who have “forced” the change.

If there is counseling to be had, it needs to be counseling to build up self-esteem and independence of the wife so that she can make the right decision to leave the marriage. Women in these marriages are often emotionally broken and lack the ability to believe in themselves. In these cases, finding a good therapist to help you regain your confidence and courage can be very important. But the direction of the counseling needs to be one of moving ahead, not staying stuck in an unhealthy situation and seeing how you can make it work.

Another word of caution—if you are not connecting to a therapist, end it early and keep seeking someone that you find to be helpful and encouraging. Just because someone is practicing doesn’t mean that he/she is competent for helping you. Keep seeking help until you find someone that you feel comfortable with. I remember when I was 22 years old, MANY YEARS AGO, I was having some personal problems and decided to seek professional help to guide me through this period. I had no understanding of counseling or therapy. I went to a local hospital and they assigned a therapist to me. I went to him for six sessions, and after each session, found myself more and more depressed. He was practicing a form of therapy that was totally ineffective for my problems, but I was too inexperienced to understand this. Rather than switch to a different therapist, I stopped going thinking there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t benefiting from the treatment. It took me many years and lots of schooling to understand what this man was doing. He was a new therapist and practicing his style of therapy that was not suitable for the type of problem that I had. I wasn’t smart or savvy enough to understand that I could have asked for someone else who could have been more effective for me.

Many times when we seek out help because we are in vulnerable positions, we put all our faith in professionals who may not have the expertise we need to resolve our problems. This doesn’t just happen in counseling, but many other situations such as legal or medical problems. That’s why it is so important to recognize when something is not working for you and to keep pursuing the professional help that will work best for your needs.


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