CELEBRATING OUR 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, September, 2003

CELEBRATING OUR 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

On September 10, it was the 25th anniversary of my wedding to my gay ex-husband. Some people think that it is odd that my ex and I celebrate that day every year. After all, what is there really to celebrate? Our years together as a married couple were not good years. In retrospect, they were horrible years. They were years of battle, confusion, and mental berating. They were dark years that over-clouded the good moments like having our children. Those were the years when suicide or homicide seemed like a viable solution to my unhappiness. Thankfully, my ex left in time for me to avoid either one. And once he left, my strength returned in time for me to say “NO” when he came back suitcase in hand a week later. NO MORE. No more lies, twisted truths, or living in a twilight zone. I wanted reality and serenity back in my life.

In the years following our split, there were times when we went to war many more times. And yet, I was determined to make our divorce work out better than our marriage. If we didn’t have two children, it would have been a swift and final goodbye. But when you have children, you find yourself intertwined for life with the father of your children. I had the upper hand to some degree once he left when it came to what I would tolerate, or at least I thought I did. There were plenty of violations of my wishes on the occasions when he would be with the children, some leading to horrific fighting and verbal abuse. But I tried to always stay focused on the priority issue—the security of my children.

Sometimes it was impossible. Sometimes he went over the borderline of what was acceptable. And that’s when silence set in for days, weeks, or months. But inevitably, some problem with the children would force us to face each other, and we resumed life as a family unit under different roofs. It’s been a long and winding road with lots of twists and turns going in different directions. But our common bonds bring us back together time after time.

After our daughter passed away last year at the age of 22, my ex told me that he didn’t want to fight with me anymore. He really has made an effort to keep the peace and not let things blow out of proportion. When he sees that we are starting to move down that path, he changes the course so we don’t end up falling off track. After all, we still have our son who bonds us together. And when I feel like my temperature is rising, I quickly tell him that I have to go and hang up the phone. So we’ve been keeping the peace relatively well for a while. We both know if we have a problem, we are there for each other, and that’s the best you can ask for in a divorce situation.

When I look back over the past two decades of our separated and divorced years, I don’t have too many regrets over allowing my ex to be part of our lives. There’s a part of him that I love—like a family member, not as a husband. I still believe it is always best to try to find some kind of middle ground when you have children. Friendship is the best route when possible. But settle for communication if you can’t have the friendship.