Dear Readers,
This month, I am sending you a personal newsletter written exclusively by me in honor of women and Mother’s Day. Any mailbag correspondence for this month will be included next month.
Also, in June, I am inviting my gay husbands/ex-husbands who are part of our support network to write for the June newsletter to tie in with Father’s Day. I know it will be a powerful issue, so please watch for it.
MAY IS FOR WOMEN!!
May is definitely the month that celebrates mothers, wives, and women in general. I would like to spend this month with you talking about the wonderful women who write to me daily in their worst moments of stress and distress trying to make sense of what has happened in their lives. Many of these women are now facing single motherhood, something that would have been unthinkable when they were taking those “I do” vows of love eternal. Every woman thinks at some point in the marriage when learning the truth, “Who would have ever thought…..”
Let me look back over the past 25 years since I started working with over 40,000 women married to gay men to give you some insight of what has changed. Okay, that took about five seconds. The answer is NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The same feelings of disbelief, shame, and fear are still the prevalent emotions that all women write to me about. I still receive on an average 30 – 40 letters a week for help and support every week. Women are still asking me to give them the answers that they are desperately seeking to these questions:
1. Will my husband change?
2. Can my husband change?
3. What can I do to make my husband change?
4. What can you do to make my husband change?
5. Why can’t my husband change?
Then after a couple of go rounds, the responses go in one of two directions:
1. Why didn’t I find you years ago? or
2. Why are you so negative?
Some women who write to me accuse me of being negative when I tell them the answers to these questions. They think that through developing a combative dialogue with me that they can make me change the answers I am giving them. They try to wear me out or down. They ask me why am I so black and white? Where are my shades of gray? Aren’t there any exceptions to the rule? I sometimes get worn down enough to tell them that yes, there are exceptions to every rule. I know there are at dozen or two women out of millions of us who embrace their husbands’ homosexuality and think that it’s just fine. I don’t have their names, but I advise them to check out those online groups that encourage women to sit and linger in a destructive marriage to a man who can never be a real husband to them.
I prefer to think of myself as the voice of sanity and reason rather than delusion. How many of you would be reading this newsletter if year in and year out I told you that it’s no big deal to have a gay husband and you can learn to live with it? I bet those dozen or two women would find their way to this newsletter list while the rest of you would turn away in disappointment. You see, even though most of you may not like what I have to say in the beginning, you know what I am right in what I am saying by the end. Once you are willing to close that closet door stuffed with denial—namely your closet stuffed with your denial—you have to deal with the truth at some point.
I have no happy campers writing to me. Every woman who writes to me feels her soul has been ripped out of her. It doesn’t matter what religion, nationality, culture, country, political belief, education level, or profession she has—she is part of the same group as all of the rest of us. And although we are all so different, in many ways we are all so much the same. I truly believe that we have so many commonalities that gay men sense when they meet us. We are trusting, loving, accepting, understanding, compassionate, giving, and in most cases, forgiving. This is not a coincidence—not with so many numbers of us. When a gay man is seeking a wife, he is seeking a woman—either consciously or unconsciously--who fits that profile “just in case.” And I say “just in case” because these guys are really hoping against hope that marrying us will change them. But it doesn’t. It can’t. They are gay. We are women.
Some women have what they thought were the best of marriages. Others had the worst. In the end, it’s all the same. But in between the beginning and the end, it’s definitely different. Women who had marriages with turmoil feel a sense of relief that the marriage is over and now understand the reasons why they could never make their husbands happy no matter how hard they tried. They have an easier time accepting that homosexuality was the cause of their unhappiness because now they know that it wasn’t because they weren’t “thin enough,” “attractive enough,” “smart enough,” “supportive enough,” or too “sexually demanding.” Women who had happy marriages have a much harder time dealing with this news. They lived a happy life and believed that their marriages would be forever. They may not have had the best sex lives, but everything else seemed great. They were married to their “best friend.” They can’t understand how sex with a man could be more important to their husbands than the love for their family. They don’t understand how men are willing to sacrifice the beautiful life they have for a sexual act. They want this “nightmare” to go away because they want their husbands “back.” They come to me wanting that magic wand that will “whisk the gay away.” I never was able to find out where they sell those wands. I am still working on finding the wand that “makes your husband gay” as so many ignorant people still believe we have the capability to do!
Two of the most heard questions are (1) Why did this happen to me? and (2) How did this happen to me? I’m not quite sure how it happened, but I’m pretty clear on why it happened. Almost all of you were “gay bait” whether you want to admit it or not. Please let me explain before you get upset—and that goes double for my gay husbands reading this. In all of my endless research over the last 26 years, I have put together a profile of the woman that a gay man seeks out for a wife. I have a whole chapter about this in my book “The Gay Husband Checklist.” Once again, let me doubly emphasize that I believe in my heart that almost every gay man who marries loves his wife when he marries her—I’d say at least 95%. Let’s be honest—would most of us have married a man who we didn’t think loved us? I don’t believe for one moment that straight wives are desperate women trying to hook any man who will marry them. On the contrary. Most of us dated our gay husbands for a while or knew them for a while and the love was there. These men loved us with their hearts to the best of their ability. There was no trickery here—gay husbands didn’t marry you because they hate women. They married you because they loved you and hoped they weren’t gay men. Most of them knew that they had twinges, attractions, or even urges to be with a man, but they could not equate that with being gay. And for those who did know at the time of the marriage that they enjoyed a few fleeing sexual encounters with men, they felt for the most part it was just an encounter and that didn’t make them gay. How could they be gay and love a woman?
They were just as confused then as we became later. They were just as influenced by the gay stereotypes in movies as we were. They couldn’t relate to the swishy, flashy, effeminate acting men that Hollywood portrayed as gay. That wasn’t them. Gay men grew up with the same misconceptions that straight women grew up with. Gay people only wanted gay people. The fact that these husbands had these feelings was a fluke—a fluke that would disappear after they married you. Loving you and building a family would take their minds off those terrible thoughts FOREVER.
And for a while, it did. Starting that new life with a new wife and taking those vows kept them busy for a while. Most of us were married in our 20’s when any sex can feel good to a man—even sex with a woman. Most of them tried to be loving husbands. But in time, “loving” became “dutiful,” and from “dutiful” became “resentful.” A gay man for the most part can only keep up the pretense for so long. As they physically mature, so does their sexuality. Unfortunately, with all of the research, slides and scales that have been invented to explain this, no one has come up with a realistic determination of when the “gay day” will strike. That’s because no two people are exactly alike. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there could be a method that by your 21st birthday when the clock struck midnight, a man’s sexuality would suddenly become clear? Maybe someday science will learn how to control that “gay clock,” but I don’t know of anyone working on it yet.
The fact is that a man’s sexuality will develop at any time throughout the marriage. I believe there are a few men who honestly didn’t even have a hint when they married—not even a twinge. They are able to successfully enjoy their marriages for a number of years. Then all of a sudden—BAM!!! Gay creeps up on them out of nowhere. But most gay husbands had some kind of feelings before they took those vows to you but either thought they would disappear or could be controlled. Look, people give up smoking and carbohydrates; why not desires for a penis?
For those men whose sexuality jumped ahead of them, the unhappiness set in. And guess who was responsible for that? YOU. You were the cause of their frustration. You made them feel “trapped.” You made them feel inadequate because you were expecting them to do things they didn’t want to do—namely make love to you. And so you became sexually “demanding” just because you expected them to act like a straight man should act. And to justify their unhappiness, they started holding you accountable for everything that was wrong in the marriage. In their own minds, if they could make YOU the fault, they wouldn’t have to accept the real culprit—THEIR HOMOSEXUALITY. It was easier for them to knock you down than to be honest with themselves. You were standing in their way of frustration, so you were easy to knock down—over and over again. The knocking wasn’t usually physical, but in almost all cases it was emotionally and mentally abusive.
No one who is straight understands better than I do about the pain that so many gay men go through during their struggle to come to terms with themselves. I have worked with hundreds of wonderful men—some of whom contribute regularly to our newsletter—who share their heartaches with me during their quest for understanding themselves and “chasing the gay that won’t go away.” You always hear me repeat over and over that these men have NO choice in their homosexuality—but they DO have a choice in being honest about it. The sooner the better is what I say. Every day that you live a lie, is a day gone that cannot be taken back. The days turn into weeks, the weeks months, the months years, and before you know it, 10, 20, and 30 years have passed. For many people, it is a lifetime. And what do you have to show for it?
Some gay husbands believe they are doing the “right thing” by staying in a marriage that is a lie. They justify it by saying it would hurt their wives too much if they left. I think the woman should make that decision after she knows the truth. To me, that is the coward’s way out. In most cases, men are afraid of what they have to lose, and in many cases, there’s a lot at stake. Most likely your wife won’t be happy when she hears the news, and how she reacts causes fear to paralyze many of these men long after their honesty due date.
Many of your gay husbands continue to live in denial and never will tell you the truth. I tell women who have husbands that finally admit to being gay or even “bisexual” which is gay to be thankful that they have a confession. So many of our women feel they can’t have closure because they don’t have a confession. What is that about anyway? You supposedly “love” a woman but you don’t “love her enough” to tell her the truth for fear of how it will affect you? Is that love or is that selfishness? Ummmm...it is selfishness.
You see, as I told you earlier, almost all straight wives of gay men are not typical wives. There is a certain prototype that gay men look for in a wife when there may be problems down the road. That’s why you rarely see a straight wife seeking total revenge on her gay husband. In some cases, it does happen, but for the most part, we are women who love too much, too hard, feel too bad about our husbands’ pain, feel guilty even when our head tells us it has nothing to do with us, and continue to want to protect our husbands even when they are out there and not protecting us. They aren’t thinking of us when they have unprotected sex and bring home sexually transmitted diseases, are they?
Hundreds of women are receiving this newsletter who have HIV/AIDS, herpes, syphilis, and pre-cancerous conditions attributed to STD’s brought home by their unprotected husbands. To me, this is unforgiveable. Even then, some gay husbands can’t be honest. They turn the tables accusing their wives of infidelity. Or they come up with the old “toilet bowl crawling with vermin” theory. They are “clueless” how their wives became infected. Okay. How do you even respond to that?
I never said there were any easy solutions to this multi-complex problem. Some gay husbands do the right thing—and some, sooner than later. Even the later ones I can deal with. But the ones that never do the right thing, well those are the ones I hold great contempt for. They refuse to discuss anything with their wives. They emotionally retreat into a shell and don’t come out. They live in a constant state of denial, making their wives second guess themselves over and over and over. This second guessing is emotionally exhausting for any woman who has to keep questioning herself daily. I remember those feelings of self-doubt and how they crept into every decision I had to make. After a while, I couldn’t do anything without questioning my ability as to whether or not I was making the right decision. After all, if I was “imagining” my husband was gay, what else was I “imagining”?
One of the biggest problems that both gay husbands and straight wives have understanding is that gay is not a “lifestyle.” One of the prime reasons why gay husbands are so convinced they are not gay is because they don’t feel comfortable living in the stereotypical gay world. They believe if they are repulsed by gay bars, gay parades, and gay activities, then they aren’t gay. They are straight men who have a sexual need. They don’t equate that sexual need to gay. They really believe they are straight. A gay encounter now and then to relieve the need doesn’t make them gay. As one woman in my support group recently said, “My husband said he just ‘dabbled’ a few times. Dabbling? Yikes! What is that? Plenty of men claim they aren’t gay because they only allow men to perform oral sex on them. Oh yes—they make sure to add that it’s because their wives don’t want to do it, and having a man do it makes it “Not Cheating.” So I suppose if a woman has a straight man perform oral sex because her husband refuses to do it, then it’s not cheating, right? Where’s the sense of reality here?
Why do women have such a hard time accepting the truth even if they don’t find hard-core proof of their husbands’ homosexuality? What is proof? For some women, it would mean walking in and finding him actually having sex with a man. They keep asking me, “Does it mean he’s gay because he’s looking at gay porno? He swears it’s only pictures and he’s not acting on it?” Gay. It’s gay. Straight men DON’T look at gay porno. Others ask me, “Is it gay when he masturbates? He’s not having sex with anyone else.” In other words, he’s not having sex with you, but he’s masturbating and having sex with himself—usually after looking at the gay porno. Gay. It’s gay. You catch him in gay chatrooms posting profiles of himself. He claims he’s just having fun because he’s bored. Gay. It’s gay. Straight men don’t have fun that way. You find his cell phone bills and there are calls to gay dating services or sex lines. He says it’s just a joke. Gay. It’s gay. Spending money on gay hotlines is not something a straight man would do. What is wrong with our women? When I tell these stories to my own ex-husband, he laughs. He can’t believe that women are this naïve. We are so desperate to hang on to the cries of denial that we believe anything these men these men tell us. I say “we” because I was once walking in your shoes a long time ago. I wanted to believe that the worst of all possibilities was impossible.
By hanging on to this hope, I lost who “I” was in the marriage and became someone that I no longer recognized. I remember making all kinds of personal compromises in my head every day. Even though the words were never spoken, all the clues and hints were there. The confrontations always ended the same way: “You’re imagining things.” I knew in time that I wasn’t. In the beginning I was able to believe those denials, and in fact, felt relieved when they kept coming. But in time, I had to think with my head instead of with my heart.
What was I able to live with? What was I able to accept? How much could I live with in order to keep my family intact? If my husband disappeared for a few hours every six months and did something I never had to find out about with a consenting adult, I could live with that. I thought I could live with that. I was willing to live with that. I packaged it in my own mind and felt a sigh of relief. I was so ridiculous, wasn’t I? Many of our women try this approach at first because of the fear of losing what they have. I tried to make it feel better by using the word “bisexual.” That was certainly one step up in comfort from “gay.” Bisexual gives women the illusion of hope. Your husband can be happy with a woman or a man; therefore, he can pick you—IF YOU TRY HARD ENOUGH. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing I tried worked in the end because we have NO CONTROL over our husbands’ homosexuality. They have no control over it—so how can we have any control?
Many of our women write and tell me that they live with gay husbands who are controlling. They don’t necessarily start out controlling, but as they grapple with their homosexuality, these men become controlling because they have no control over their sexuality. Some of them are in such fear of the truth coming out that they will isolate you in all kinds of ways. Some will whisk you off to a new home hundreds or thousands of miles away from everything secure and familiar to you. Others will start making demands on your time so that you don’t spend time with friends and family. And still others will make it so uncomfortable for company to come that people will want to stay away. They hope that by isolating you, you will not tell their “secret” based on your knowledge or suspicions. By isolating “you,” you become more dependent on “him.” This is how he keeps you in his darkened closet.
The sad thing is that even when some of these men finally do come out, we are still stuck in that closet. They’ve jolted—we’re stuck. We all go through the same set of emotions ranging from “how could I have been this stupid” to “I can’t tell anyone about this.” Of course it doesn’t help when your husbands warn you “you better not tell anyone about this—especially my family.” That’s when you are now stuck in the situation of continuing to live his lie for him while he is living his gay life and telling the people who know and love you that the marriage didn’t work out for “mutual reasons.” Or some guys go to the next level and come right out and say the marriage didn’t work because of YOU. And you are still “protecting” his secret while he’s defaming you. What’s with that?
I know that change is difficult, but living in a marriage that’s a lie is more difficult. Some of our women lose view of that because they feel paralyzed into inaction. They’ll sooner pop mind altering anti-depressants than take a chance at making a change for the better. How good is a marriage if you have to be medicated to stay in it? Doesn’t this show you that there is a problem?
For the women who are afraid to break up their families because of the children, I say take a chance. Children know when a marriage isn’t happy. They know when you aren’t happy. They are too young to understand why you aren’t happy, especially when they are living in the lie with you. So instead, they start doubting themselves and wondering what they are doing wrong to cause you unhappiness. They blame themselves, no matter how many times you tell them it’s not their fault. They don’t believe you any more than you believe your husbands’ denials. And what about the role model you are setting forth for them? Is this what you want for them in their futures? Do you want them to stay in a marriage that lacks emotional connection and sexual connection? If they see that is acceptable in your marriage, they will think this is what marriage is and repeat it in their own marriages. I also ask my women this question: Do you have a daughter or a sister? If not, a best friend? When they say yes, I ask them if they would want them to be in this kind of a marriage. No one has said yes. So why would any woman want less for herself than for her child, sister, or friend? What sense does this make?
I never compare two people. I left my marriage with two little babies after four years of being beaten down. I only had a GED which I obtained at 26. I went on welfare for 3 years while I snuck to college and raised the children struggling financially every single day. But I had peace of mind that I didn’t have to struggle living in a failing marriage that had no place to go but further down. I put myself in a place where I wouldn’t have to worry about supporting my children any more. I became self-sufficient and independent. There were days when I was falling over with exhaustion. I had a 3 month old with a rare undiagnosed disease at the time. I had a two year old who gave new meaning to the “terrible twos.” And yet, as horrible as it was, it was still better than wondering every time my husband went out the door who he was going to meet and have sex with. It was better than listening to all of the reasons why he didn’t want to have sex with me. And it was better than being in a controlling situation where I had NO control. Yes, it was difficult, but it was BETTER.
Change is a fact of life. People have overcome greater struggles than this. No one says it will be easy—because it’s not. But staying where you are and being paralyzed is not easy either. I know change can take time—but you have to WANT to make a change. And if you are reading this newsletter, there is something within you that is looking to do this. I don’t give you a timeline, but rather a mind-set. You can never by physically free if you’re not emotionally free. You have to have a clear mind to make an escape plan. And some of our women can never escape. They are disabled and dependent for health reasons—but guess what? They are emotionally free which is half the battle—the most important half of it.
Don’t apologize for loving your husband after he turns your life upside down. You can still love a man who has done this to you because there is part of you who understands this is not a real choice. You may hate the way he does it or how he treats you, but that doesn’t mean you can turn off the love button like a faucet. Some women will love their ex-husbands forever. Look, I love mine. Not as a husband, but as a family member. It took years to get to this point, but children often bond people together. Our losing both of our children in 2002 and 2005 bonded us more closely together than before because no one can understand our loss better than each other.
And if you don’t love your gay husband anymore, that’s fine too. Plenty of people break up who are straight couples and life goes on. In fact, 50% of the marriages in the country break up. Guess why? Because they were mistakes or became mistakes. Human nature is never a perfect science or math. People change, they grow, and they grow apart. Life was meant to live, not to accept as a death sentence. When people feel they are dying in a marriage, they end it and move on. Why do we, as wives of gay men, feel the need to hang and cling onto something that wasn’t meant to be in the first place? Why do we have to have proof before we can justify leaving? Why can’t the proof be that you’re just not happy and getting what you deserve out of a marriage?
That brings me back to my first point. We are different. We are loving, caring, hurting women who will try to the end to make something that is broken work. We will linger and wilt in a ridiculous marriage rather than stand up and say, “I don’t want this anymore for myself because I deserve better.” That’s because so many of us feel for so long that we don’t deserve better.
A few closing thoughts:
Allow yourself to have a pity party when you need one. Life dealt you a hand that you never expected or wanted. You don’t have to be brave—give yourself permission to break down once in a while and cry. But then pick yourself up and keep moving ahead.
Most importantly, there is no timeline of gay husband recovery. This situation is not like any other situation where people get divorced. We are dealing with a myriad of issues that straight couples don’t deal with. You have the children and they are going to deal or accept it, the family, the friends, your co-workers, now having to support a family, financial woes, self-esteem issues, sexual esteem issues, trust issues—including trusting yourself—to deal with. You have to watch with your eyes or at least in your head about your husband loving a man—something that was unthinkable to you when it came to your husband—instead of you. In the beginning, you believe that every man you meet is a gay man. Every man is a suspect. After all, you couldn’t tell with your husband, how can you tell with someone else?
You may believe that you will never trust another man again, but we all think that in our early phases of recovery. Recovery takes time, and women who don’t allow themselves that time are doomed to make a mistake again. It doesn’t mean you’ll find another gay man, but you will find plenty of straight predators out there that are looking for vulnerable women like you after this happens. In our need to feel the love that’s been missing for so long, we often jump before we are ready. We compromise again. That’s why it’s not unusual to find women married for a second time in a marriage with a gay man after a marriage with an abusive man. Abuse could include drinking, drugging, sexual addiction, or gambling. When you’re at a low point, this is when you jump into something just to prove to yourself that you are worthy.
You have to get to know who you are again. You have to become strong so you don’t keep making the same mistake in a different form over and over. Learn to love yourself first. You can never truly love a man in the right way if you don’t learn to love yourself. You have to learn that your needs are just as important in a relationship as your man’s needs. Learn to speak up and assert yourself; if not, you’re doomed to find another wrong relationship. Realize you can be COMPLETE without a man. You shouldn’t need a man to make your life—you should want a man to complement your life.
Please be aware that we have read so many “happily after ever again” stories here from straight wives who found their real soulmates after thinking love was a part of their past that would never happen again. I’m one of many success stories, and I keep bragging about it. It’s been 15 years, 4 months and two weeks. We celebrate every month because to me, finding your soulmate is a celebration! After all this time, the passion and love are even stronger than ever! Go figure!
I will end this newsletter with the most profound statement that my dear friend, Viv from Ohio, stated in a recent chat session. These words were so moving that I wish I would have thought of them myself, but I didn’t. But guess what? I haven’t stopped thinking about them and using them since I heard them.
Viv, who was stuck in a very abusive marriage for 25 years but found her freedom couple of years ago, said she figured out:
“When you are living in a situation that you don’t understand and being mistreated, you are a victim. But once you know the truth and you continue to stay in it, you become a volunteer.”
Think about it!
With love to you all, Bonnie Kaye
Showing posts with label bisexual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bisexual. Show all posts
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
JANUARY 2009 NEWSLETTER
BISEXUALITY/GAY HUSBAND WAKE-UP CALL TO MY WOMEN
Allow me to wish a Happy New Year to my friends who read this newsletter faithfully. Almost all of the over 7,000 monthly readers on this list are looking for an escape route from their marriages or in the process of gay husband recovery after the marriage. Of course, there are some wonderful gay men who contribute to this letter as well and support our women in understanding the dynamics of this most unique and difficult situation.
In this newsletter, I would like to address those of you who may be living in the secrecy of your husbands’/ex-husbands’ closets about the world of reality. Some of you are still playing detectives trying to find “proof” that you’ll never find so you’ll always have self doubt. Some of you feel ashamed to think that you are doubtful of your husbands’ stories of “I know I’m gay even though I’ve never had a gay experience,” believing that they would never cheat on you during the course of marriage. These feelings of shame lead to your feeling guilty when the marriage ends, when in fact you have nothing to feel guilty about. Some of you still internalize that you were to blame that your husband chose men over you because you weren’t loving enough, supportive enough, attractive enough, thin enough, exciting enough, overbearing, over sexual, over demanding, overly critical etc. etc. etc.
So, now, to put things in a REAL perspective, I am going to share with you some recent letters from the bi/gay married men’s posting board. These were generously shared by one of our support group members in her research to accept her husband’s sexual behavior.
A lot of women can’t understand how their husbands can be gay if they were having sexual relationships with them. And some of our women swear to me the sex was great and satisfying to them. And guess what? I believe them. But as soon as their husbands crossed to the other side of their sexuality wanting a penis in any shape or form, and as soon as they started acting on it, they were having GAY sex. I tell women that gay men can perform sex with their wives. I’ve had gay men tell me they can enjoy sex with their wives, but they still wanted sex with a man. That means they wanted gay sex. Perhaps that’s the reason why they tried so much harder to have sex with their wives—so they could justify in their own minds that they are NOT GAY—they are BISEXUAL. As long as you can say you are Bisexual, there’s no need to have to admit that you are gay.
The straight wife provides a cloak of credibility for gay men who are caught in between two worlds. They need the safety and comfort of a wife and family, but they still want their men for sex. They don’t necessarily feel that one thing has anything to do with the other. As long as they are good providers, good fathers, and what they think are good husbands, they can live in their world of denial. It’s amazing what a gay man thinks being a good husband means. But the fact that they don’t understand doesn’t surprise me because they are not straight nor can they think the way a straight man thinks about a relationship with a woman.
They are doing the best they can do as a gay husband, but that’s not what we as straight women need. We don’t need our husbands fantasizing about men, wishing that we were men instead of women, pushing us to try all kinds of sexual behavior that is uncomfortable or repulsive to us to try to satisfy that need, or watching gay porno to get sexually stimulated in order to have sex with us. And in almost all cases where these “bisexual” men are having sex with their wives or girlfriends—it’s just that—having sex. It’s not making love with lust, desire, and passion. It’s “performing” their husbandly duty as the price they feel they have to pay to keep the marriage together.
This is not to say they don’t love us, because in most cases, they do. But it’s not the kind of love that can make a fulfilling marriage for either party. No marriage based on a lie can do that. There’s always a pull from the husband who has to keep covering up his tracks and trying to pretend to be someone who he is not. So now I’ll let you read some of these letters to put things in a perspective for you.
I have decided not to publish the email addresses of these men since these letters were not meant to be shared. However, if any of you believe you are married to any of these men, let me know and I will help you find out. I am leaving their first names in tack.
This session started with Craig posting a question at the end of December to members of the group.
Craig asked this question:
I have a question to those who have come out to their wives – whether on purpose, or through some unfortunate incident where stuff was accidentally revealed. My question is: Do you regret it???
I am considering coming out to my wife and leaving her for another man (I am 28, married for 7 years; and a 2 year old daughter) but want to know whether others have regretted their decisions.
Thanks guys.Here are just a few of the dozens of answers that were posted. I’ve italicized some of the main points, and I give my comments at the end.
From Jeff:
I feel exactly the same way as you, and I am currently working on separating from my wife (25 years). It is the perfect time for me. I will not reveal anything about my "gay" side until way after the divorce and time alone. I don't want this to be the reason for our divorce. The divorce will be a mutual decision, and a mutual break. My kids are adults and are both finishing up their college education (4th and 5th year).
I've had feelings and longings for men ever since I was a teenager (I'm now 48), but never acted upon them until 2 years ago. I've had affairs, I've had hook-ups, I've had a "regular" buddy for 8 months. I ache to continue the passion and the feelings that I get from a male-to-male relationship – something that I really never felt with a woman. However, I've also been responsible, raised my kids, supported my family, and done all those things that a "Man" is supposed to do. I'm tired of living someone else's idea of what my life is supposed to be. I believe that it is time for me to "discover who I am". And I'm going to take the time to discover that about myself. That may sound selfish, but it's what I need now. Will I ever be in a committed relationship again (with a man)? I don't know yet. While I'd like to think that I will, time will tell. I may really like being independent. Thanks for allowing me to share.
Comments: The selfish part is not that this man has to be honest and lead his life after 25 years of marriage. The selfish part is that he won’t tell his wife the reason for the end of the marriage, making her feel she has some responsibility for it ending. Gay men don’t always think that telling the truth is the way to go when the marriage is ending because it would only “confuse the issue.” Whatever.
From Ron:
I am currently in the process of separating from my wife. I have chosen not to come out of the closet as it will only hurt her and complicate things with my son and family and friends. Although I care about the well being of my wife and do love her on some level, I am now mature enough to realize that I seek passion from other outlets than just her.
I will not ever admit to any infidelity to her as I know she will use it against me. I know my wife and her insecurities and jealousies. Currently, we are in therapy and I'm trying to figure out a way to separate from her in a friendly manner.
I asked myself what's the advantage to coming out. For me, it would allow me to feel better about myself, and remove those feelings of guilt. I could not determine any advantage for my wife. It would only equip her with stuff to use against me.
I want to separate as I feel as if I've put myself in prison. I am tired of living the lies, and sneaking around on my wife. I want to be free to be with whomever I want, when I want. Living with my wife, I would not have that freedom. I could still call her for dinner on occasion, if the desire ever returns. Right now, I just feel the need to free myself and pursue the other interests that currently intrigue me.
I can't ever see coming out of the closet as it's really nobody's business. I also can't see getting married or even living with anyone again. I think I like being solo and having options available to me. Marriage is just not for me. I want to be a free agent and play the field.
Comments: His wife has insecurities and jealousies. Is it any wonder? He is cheating on her and yet blaming her for feeling insecure. And of course, why “complicate” things with the truth?
From Paul
I'm reading all these emails and am always amazed at what we all have in common. I have been married 36 years, have two grown children and have been attracted to men all my life. I had a three-night stand with a man about 9 years ago and ended up telling my wife in counseling that I was bisexual and had been with this man. She took it hard but we decided to stay together and I told her it wouldn't happen again. But, as most of you know, this feeling never goes away. We have had a rocky marriage for many years now and, in the process, a year-and-a-half ago, I met a man 23 years younger than me and we started seeing each other. We got caught walking together one night by my wife, after seeing him for about six months, and I told her I had fallen in love with him. I said I wouldn't see him again, but we couldn't give each other up and fell very much in love with each other. She now knows that we have continued seeing each other and my wife and I have talked about divorce. I am ready for it, but I don't really think she is. He has committed himself to me and I to him, so now we are trying to work out all the details of ending my marriage and starting together. By the way, this man has never dated or been with people his age. He has only been attracted to older men and feels more comfortable with them. He is faithful, committed and very loving and caring and wants to have a life with me as I do him. I am not sure how all this will play out but I also want a life with him. I have never loved or cared about anyone as I do him. It has just taken me many years to realize that this is what I need in my life. I will keep you posted as this plays out as to what happens, but I just feel like I need to have some years of happiness and being with someone who treats me like they actually love me. I haven't felt that from my wife for years and sexually, we are not together at all. I need that intimacy in my life and my friend gives me that plus a lot more. Keep me in your prayers that all will work out for the best for everyone. Ken
Comments: Once again, justifying the “rocky marriage” as the cause of the divorce and cheating, not the fact that he is gay. Wasn’t his wife also faithful, committed, and very loving and caring in spite of the fact that she knew about his cheating on her for years? And of course, he told her it would never happen again—just like some of your husbands.
From: Frank
Hi guys I am also new to the group. It is nice to know that I am not alone, because I feel really alone. I am 51 years old and have been married over 25 years. I only had one real "lover" who was my best friend through high school and a few years after. He moved away got married, then moved not too far away. I tried to re-establish my relationship with him, he freaked out, told his wife, and said he never wanted to hear from me again. I really think I could have been satisfied seeing him maybe 3 times a year, like staying the night together, having a heart to heart talk and getting f..ked by him, really think my life could have been complete like this.
I am not really the type for quick sex with someone I don't know. Just wish I could find somebody to love without leaving my wife. She does not know about my feelings. I am sure in my heart that she could never understand how I feel, or the fact that my feelings for guys have nothing to do with her. Our sons are older and gone now and I feel a lot of resentment toward my wife. Not really sure why, I don't think it is her fault. Feel like I am the maintenance man. I also work 6 days a week to support us, she does not work outside the home. The older I get the more I resent being the only wage earner in the family.
Thanks for hearing me out.
Comments: This man is lost. Semi-casual sex with a man could make him happy enough to stay in his marriage. Of course, his wife doesn’t have a clue about his feelings. He feels a lot of resentment towards his wife, but he refuses to admit it’s because he’s gay, and instead blames it on being the worker in the family.
From Tom
Man does this sound familiar. I am a 56, married white male who fought those inner desires for many, many years. Finally about 12 years ago I decided to act on those feelings and "get it out of my system". As they say, the rest is history. My wife and I also have not been intimate in 6 years
Comments: Does his wife have any clue why he is no longer intimate with him? Most likely, she feels there is something wrong with her from his sexual rejection.
From Chaz:
Thanks for allowing me to join the group! I am 54 years old, married to the same woman for 33+ years, with two grown children (both boys, and apparently both straight). Wife and I have had no sex for the last 4 years - she is no longer interested. I have had desires for men as early in life as I can remember. Married when I was 20 (two months away from 21) hoping that the desire for men would go away - it only subsided for a short time. I have been 'fairly' active with men all through my marriage, and now that there is no sex at home, my desires have only increased. My wife may suspect, I don't know...she did "sneak up" behind me one night when I was looking at gay porn on the Internet, and we went through a period of about two weeks of "hell", but we worked everything out and enjoyed a few more years of sex after that. Now most of my "sex life" consists of memberships in gay/bi video groups, and occasionally meeting with a male buddy of mine for some human touch and sexual release. The "guilt factor" is still somewhat there, but I have for the most part, learned to accept that "this is who I am, and this is the way I am". Once I accepted that, I felt a great weight had been lifted from me. Thanks for letting me join and introduce myself.
Comments: Here’s a man who was active with men throughout his marriage. And now he is blaming his lack of sex life on the fact that the wife is no longer interested after finding him with gay porno. Isn’t this typical of gay men who can’t take responsibility for the fact that their wives no longer want to have sex with them when they know? I’m sure in the two years of their continued sex life, she was working hard to try to distract him from those thoughts and was clueless to his acting on them constantly. Most likely she did know and didn’t want to continue living his farce.
By Anonymous:
…and talking about genital warts... I just had a few frozen off (liquid nitrogen done at a dermatologist) from my scrotum and the base of my penis.
So I have HPV in my body now. Whether I got it from the many encounters I had, or from my current lover (who claimed he had had very little encounters with men), I wouldn't know. That's the scary thing about HPV...
Have I told my lover? No... not yet. I really don't know how to, so I am just avoiding seeing him/having sex with him when my little scars are healing up.
I'm just praying hard that I had not passed it to my wife and to him and him to his wife. But, really, we will never know who got it first and from whom.
Our commitment to each other is we will stay exclusive to each other in our friendship. But damn, I have had a few flings. Safe stuff. But again...I "cheated", and whether I got HPV from those few flings or from other encounters before... I would never know.
Comments: This guy is ALL ABOUT HIM. Really—all about him. It’s nice that he threw in the afterthought that he hopes he didn’t pass this on to his wife and his lover’s wife. Nice guy, huh?
From Alan in the UK:
Where young children are involved, don't come out - stick with it! At 28 you still have a long life ahead of you. When they are grown up and should have flown the nest then see how the land lies.
In the experience I have just gone through, my 2 daughters are 28 and 26 and old enough to make up their own minds about what has happened. With a child of 2 it is a very different situation. I accept that children these days seem to accept such changes in their lives readily. Should we make them accept those changes at such a young age for our own selfish means? I use the word "selfish" carefully - with having been married 7 years and waiting (or being forced to wait) 5 years for a child is it not a little bit selfish to want a different life now. If you wait 10 to 15 years you will only be in your mid 40s and still acceptable / attractive to a lot of guys. She will then be 12 - 17 and much better equipped to face life with parents who are separated. I vote "No" to coming out and to divorce in your circumstances.
Hope this helps.
Alan
Comments: Of course Alan feels that “being honest” is not the route to go with young children—at least with his wife. And the good news is if Craig waits 10 to 15 years, he’ll still be attractive to a lot of guys which should encourage him to keep living his lie. And best of all, kids of 12 – 17 are better equipped to face life with parents who are separated. Where does the wife enter this picture at all? Oh, she’s just the caretaker of the family who can be easily disposed of in enough time to give Craig some still attractive years of his life to be with gay men.
Response from Brian A.:
I told my wife before we were married. That was a mistake. She will tell you she was glad I shared, but I sincerely think some things are better left unsaid. Forgive me if it sounds chauvinist, but I think women, regardless of age, still harbor fantasies of being swept up by manly men on white horses, and somehow dick s..king just doesn't figure into that picture.
I don't regret being bisexual or acting on it, but I do regret telling my wife.
Also women tend to share with friends or family when they're hurt. If you do tell, you need to be ready to have to explain your decision to whoever she decides to share your story with.
Just don't.
Comments: I’m not sure about the fantasies that women harbor, but I know the fantasy is not about her husband having sex with men. Even when women are “told” before marriage, they don’t understand. They believe their husbands made a choice—and the choice was them. As you can see, it is not.
For those who are concerned about the church men, here is a letter from Ken venting:
I had a one night stand (actually about 3 nights) about 8 1/2 years ago. He was a great guy and had a young son. We stayed in touch for about 5-6 months and that is when I came out to my wife. I told her about him as I wanted to be totally honest and up-front. What a huge mistake! Since I came out to her and told her about him and my other male-to-male relationships before and after marriage, she has use all that against me. Unfortunately, I am a pastor, which I am committed to, but she has threatened me many times to turn me in to the congregation and the bishop. Actually, I am leaving my church as they are going broke, so don't know what the future will bring me.
About a year and a half ago, I met a man online who is over 20 years younger than me and we have been seeing each other off and on for that time. Fortunately, for me, he only is attracted to men older than him. And he knows I have no money so that is not the attraction. He is a wonderful man and is caring, loving, protective, compassionate, sharing - all the things I would look for in a relationship, but haven't had in my marriage. Plus he is very masculine and good-looking which are not essential attributes, but certainly good ones.
My wife is aware of him and has made threats to me concerning him. Again, like turning me into the congregation or the hierarchy. But I am done with all that. We, at least I, have decided to divorce my wife rather than keep living a lie and living under her threats and conditions. She is constantly threatening me, name-calling, accusing me of things I have never done, etc. It has become a daily routine and one which I can no longer handle. So I am planning on getting a mediator to help us divide up what few assets we have left and to end this life of misery. I know divorce is not always right and I especially know that adultery is wrong, but I need to feel that my life is worth something and that I am not really the scum of the earth as I have been told. I hate hurting anyone, but I need to be happy in my life.
Comments: Isn’t his wife a nagging witch? She has some nerve threatening him just because he continues to cheat on her. And this is a man of God, right?
After the overwhelming flow of answers, of which I have reprinted only a handful, this was Craig’s decision on January 7, 2009:
Thanks. I'm overwhelmed by the majority of responses that tell me to stick with it. This speaks volumes to me - I feel so ill equipped to make such a decision at such an early stage in my life so sincerely appreciate the advice. I think maintaining the status quo is the best answer - but I still have to get over my emotional link with the guy involved, and so does he.
And so, here is another potential member of our group years down the line who has no idea what she is facing in her marriage in the years ahead.
Bottom line—these are the most selfish guys that I can ever imagine. They take no responsibility for the unhappiness or anger of their wives; rather than look inwardly, they look to place the blame everywhere else. They have no courage to take responsibility for their actions; rather they look to protect themselves rather than love their wives enough to be honest with them about their extracurricular activities.
For those of you who are still sitting on the fence wondering when you will find “proof” or the get the “truth” rather than denials from your husbands/ex-husbands, let this be a lesson to you.
There are dozens of online groups for married gay men. Any time you have any doubts about your own husband, start reading their posts and you’ll gain a sense of reality of what you are up against. These men all support each other with the same dishonest advice of keeping it a secret and never telling you. It is a conspiracy, for sure, that you will always face. Wake up and realize you can’t get a confession out of these men. Save yourselves so you don’t have to end up with an STD that will remind you for life of the mistake you made.
FROM THE MAILBAG:
Dear Bonnie,
I have a question for you...can you give me any tips on where I might find information about domestic violence suffered by women who are married to gay men? Or criminal activity perpetrated by gay husbands who fear being outted or whose lovers threaten to leave them if they don't come out?
Thanks, S.
Response: Although I don’t think this frequently happens, we have had reports in our support chat about several acts of violence. If you would like to address this, please send m your note for next month.
I always like to end on a happy note filled with hope for your futures. Here’s a lovely letter from one of our readers:
Hi Bonnie,
My 3 year marriage crumbled due to a gay husband and I divorced 3 years ago. It was a very difficult time for me. My life is not perfect now, but it is better than it was. I'm grateful to have a career, family and friends.
I re-started my career, did some traveling and met plenty of other people You only get one life that I know of. So, don't waste another minute being miserable with these gay men when you can choose to have better chance at life and happiness.
Good luck ladies!!!
That’s the best advice for all of you—be happy—and be free of living your husband’s lie!
With love and hope,
Bonnie Kaye
Allow me to wish a Happy New Year to my friends who read this newsletter faithfully. Almost all of the over 7,000 monthly readers on this list are looking for an escape route from their marriages or in the process of gay husband recovery after the marriage. Of course, there are some wonderful gay men who contribute to this letter as well and support our women in understanding the dynamics of this most unique and difficult situation.
In this newsletter, I would like to address those of you who may be living in the secrecy of your husbands’/ex-husbands’ closets about the world of reality. Some of you are still playing detectives trying to find “proof” that you’ll never find so you’ll always have self doubt. Some of you feel ashamed to think that you are doubtful of your husbands’ stories of “I know I’m gay even though I’ve never had a gay experience,” believing that they would never cheat on you during the course of marriage. These feelings of shame lead to your feeling guilty when the marriage ends, when in fact you have nothing to feel guilty about. Some of you still internalize that you were to blame that your husband chose men over you because you weren’t loving enough, supportive enough, attractive enough, thin enough, exciting enough, overbearing, over sexual, over demanding, overly critical etc. etc. etc.
So, now, to put things in a REAL perspective, I am going to share with you some recent letters from the bi/gay married men’s posting board. These were generously shared by one of our support group members in her research to accept her husband’s sexual behavior.
A lot of women can’t understand how their husbands can be gay if they were having sexual relationships with them. And some of our women swear to me the sex was great and satisfying to them. And guess what? I believe them. But as soon as their husbands crossed to the other side of their sexuality wanting a penis in any shape or form, and as soon as they started acting on it, they were having GAY sex. I tell women that gay men can perform sex with their wives. I’ve had gay men tell me they can enjoy sex with their wives, but they still wanted sex with a man. That means they wanted gay sex. Perhaps that’s the reason why they tried so much harder to have sex with their wives—so they could justify in their own minds that they are NOT GAY—they are BISEXUAL. As long as you can say you are Bisexual, there’s no need to have to admit that you are gay.
The straight wife provides a cloak of credibility for gay men who are caught in between two worlds. They need the safety and comfort of a wife and family, but they still want their men for sex. They don’t necessarily feel that one thing has anything to do with the other. As long as they are good providers, good fathers, and what they think are good husbands, they can live in their world of denial. It’s amazing what a gay man thinks being a good husband means. But the fact that they don’t understand doesn’t surprise me because they are not straight nor can they think the way a straight man thinks about a relationship with a woman.
They are doing the best they can do as a gay husband, but that’s not what we as straight women need. We don’t need our husbands fantasizing about men, wishing that we were men instead of women, pushing us to try all kinds of sexual behavior that is uncomfortable or repulsive to us to try to satisfy that need, or watching gay porno to get sexually stimulated in order to have sex with us. And in almost all cases where these “bisexual” men are having sex with their wives or girlfriends—it’s just that—having sex. It’s not making love with lust, desire, and passion. It’s “performing” their husbandly duty as the price they feel they have to pay to keep the marriage together.
This is not to say they don’t love us, because in most cases, they do. But it’s not the kind of love that can make a fulfilling marriage for either party. No marriage based on a lie can do that. There’s always a pull from the husband who has to keep covering up his tracks and trying to pretend to be someone who he is not. So now I’ll let you read some of these letters to put things in a perspective for you.
I have decided not to publish the email addresses of these men since these letters were not meant to be shared. However, if any of you believe you are married to any of these men, let me know and I will help you find out. I am leaving their first names in tack.
This session started with Craig posting a question at the end of December to members of the group.
Craig asked this question:
I have a question to those who have come out to their wives – whether on purpose, or through some unfortunate incident where stuff was accidentally revealed. My question is: Do you regret it???
I am considering coming out to my wife and leaving her for another man (I am 28, married for 7 years; and a 2 year old daughter) but want to know whether others have regretted their decisions.
Thanks guys.Here are just a few of the dozens of answers that were posted. I’ve italicized some of the main points, and I give my comments at the end.
From Jeff:
I feel exactly the same way as you, and I am currently working on separating from my wife (25 years). It is the perfect time for me. I will not reveal anything about my "gay" side until way after the divorce and time alone. I don't want this to be the reason for our divorce. The divorce will be a mutual decision, and a mutual break. My kids are adults and are both finishing up their college education (4th and 5th year).
I've had feelings and longings for men ever since I was a teenager (I'm now 48), but never acted upon them until 2 years ago. I've had affairs, I've had hook-ups, I've had a "regular" buddy for 8 months. I ache to continue the passion and the feelings that I get from a male-to-male relationship – something that I really never felt with a woman. However, I've also been responsible, raised my kids, supported my family, and done all those things that a "Man" is supposed to do. I'm tired of living someone else's idea of what my life is supposed to be. I believe that it is time for me to "discover who I am". And I'm going to take the time to discover that about myself. That may sound selfish, but it's what I need now. Will I ever be in a committed relationship again (with a man)? I don't know yet. While I'd like to think that I will, time will tell. I may really like being independent. Thanks for allowing me to share.
Comments: The selfish part is not that this man has to be honest and lead his life after 25 years of marriage. The selfish part is that he won’t tell his wife the reason for the end of the marriage, making her feel she has some responsibility for it ending. Gay men don’t always think that telling the truth is the way to go when the marriage is ending because it would only “confuse the issue.” Whatever.
From Ron:
I am currently in the process of separating from my wife. I have chosen not to come out of the closet as it will only hurt her and complicate things with my son and family and friends. Although I care about the well being of my wife and do love her on some level, I am now mature enough to realize that I seek passion from other outlets than just her.
I will not ever admit to any infidelity to her as I know she will use it against me. I know my wife and her insecurities and jealousies. Currently, we are in therapy and I'm trying to figure out a way to separate from her in a friendly manner.
I asked myself what's the advantage to coming out. For me, it would allow me to feel better about myself, and remove those feelings of guilt. I could not determine any advantage for my wife. It would only equip her with stuff to use against me.
I want to separate as I feel as if I've put myself in prison. I am tired of living the lies, and sneaking around on my wife. I want to be free to be with whomever I want, when I want. Living with my wife, I would not have that freedom. I could still call her for dinner on occasion, if the desire ever returns. Right now, I just feel the need to free myself and pursue the other interests that currently intrigue me.
I can't ever see coming out of the closet as it's really nobody's business. I also can't see getting married or even living with anyone again. I think I like being solo and having options available to me. Marriage is just not for me. I want to be a free agent and play the field.
Comments: His wife has insecurities and jealousies. Is it any wonder? He is cheating on her and yet blaming her for feeling insecure. And of course, why “complicate” things with the truth?
From Paul
I'm reading all these emails and am always amazed at what we all have in common. I have been married 36 years, have two grown children and have been attracted to men all my life. I had a three-night stand with a man about 9 years ago and ended up telling my wife in counseling that I was bisexual and had been with this man. She took it hard but we decided to stay together and I told her it wouldn't happen again. But, as most of you know, this feeling never goes away. We have had a rocky marriage for many years now and, in the process, a year-and-a-half ago, I met a man 23 years younger than me and we started seeing each other. We got caught walking together one night by my wife, after seeing him for about six months, and I told her I had fallen in love with him. I said I wouldn't see him again, but we couldn't give each other up and fell very much in love with each other. She now knows that we have continued seeing each other and my wife and I have talked about divorce. I am ready for it, but I don't really think she is. He has committed himself to me and I to him, so now we are trying to work out all the details of ending my marriage and starting together. By the way, this man has never dated or been with people his age. He has only been attracted to older men and feels more comfortable with them. He is faithful, committed and very loving and caring and wants to have a life with me as I do him. I am not sure how all this will play out but I also want a life with him. I have never loved or cared about anyone as I do him. It has just taken me many years to realize that this is what I need in my life. I will keep you posted as this plays out as to what happens, but I just feel like I need to have some years of happiness and being with someone who treats me like they actually love me. I haven't felt that from my wife for years and sexually, we are not together at all. I need that intimacy in my life and my friend gives me that plus a lot more. Keep me in your prayers that all will work out for the best for everyone. Ken
Comments: Once again, justifying the “rocky marriage” as the cause of the divorce and cheating, not the fact that he is gay. Wasn’t his wife also faithful, committed, and very loving and caring in spite of the fact that she knew about his cheating on her for years? And of course, he told her it would never happen again—just like some of your husbands.
From: Frank
Hi guys I am also new to the group. It is nice to know that I am not alone, because I feel really alone. I am 51 years old and have been married over 25 years. I only had one real "lover" who was my best friend through high school and a few years after. He moved away got married, then moved not too far away. I tried to re-establish my relationship with him, he freaked out, told his wife, and said he never wanted to hear from me again. I really think I could have been satisfied seeing him maybe 3 times a year, like staying the night together, having a heart to heart talk and getting f..ked by him, really think my life could have been complete like this.
I am not really the type for quick sex with someone I don't know. Just wish I could find somebody to love without leaving my wife. She does not know about my feelings. I am sure in my heart that she could never understand how I feel, or the fact that my feelings for guys have nothing to do with her. Our sons are older and gone now and I feel a lot of resentment toward my wife. Not really sure why, I don't think it is her fault. Feel like I am the maintenance man. I also work 6 days a week to support us, she does not work outside the home. The older I get the more I resent being the only wage earner in the family.
Thanks for hearing me out.
Comments: This man is lost. Semi-casual sex with a man could make him happy enough to stay in his marriage. Of course, his wife doesn’t have a clue about his feelings. He feels a lot of resentment towards his wife, but he refuses to admit it’s because he’s gay, and instead blames it on being the worker in the family.
From Tom
Man does this sound familiar. I am a 56, married white male who fought those inner desires for many, many years. Finally about 12 years ago I decided to act on those feelings and "get it out of my system". As they say, the rest is history. My wife and I also have not been intimate in 6 years
Comments: Does his wife have any clue why he is no longer intimate with him? Most likely, she feels there is something wrong with her from his sexual rejection.
From Chaz:
Thanks for allowing me to join the group! I am 54 years old, married to the same woman for 33+ years, with two grown children (both boys, and apparently both straight). Wife and I have had no sex for the last 4 years - she is no longer interested. I have had desires for men as early in life as I can remember. Married when I was 20 (two months away from 21) hoping that the desire for men would go away - it only subsided for a short time. I have been 'fairly' active with men all through my marriage, and now that there is no sex at home, my desires have only increased. My wife may suspect, I don't know...she did "sneak up" behind me one night when I was looking at gay porn on the Internet, and we went through a period of about two weeks of "hell", but we worked everything out and enjoyed a few more years of sex after that. Now most of my "sex life" consists of memberships in gay/bi video groups, and occasionally meeting with a male buddy of mine for some human touch and sexual release. The "guilt factor" is still somewhat there, but I have for the most part, learned to accept that "this is who I am, and this is the way I am". Once I accepted that, I felt a great weight had been lifted from me. Thanks for letting me join and introduce myself.
Comments: Here’s a man who was active with men throughout his marriage. And now he is blaming his lack of sex life on the fact that the wife is no longer interested after finding him with gay porno. Isn’t this typical of gay men who can’t take responsibility for the fact that their wives no longer want to have sex with them when they know? I’m sure in the two years of their continued sex life, she was working hard to try to distract him from those thoughts and was clueless to his acting on them constantly. Most likely she did know and didn’t want to continue living his farce.
By Anonymous:
…and talking about genital warts... I just had a few frozen off (liquid nitrogen done at a dermatologist) from my scrotum and the base of my penis.
So I have HPV in my body now. Whether I got it from the many encounters I had, or from my current lover (who claimed he had had very little encounters with men), I wouldn't know. That's the scary thing about HPV...
Have I told my lover? No... not yet. I really don't know how to, so I am just avoiding seeing him/having sex with him when my little scars are healing up.
I'm just praying hard that I had not passed it to my wife and to him and him to his wife. But, really, we will never know who got it first and from whom.
Our commitment to each other is we will stay exclusive to each other in our friendship. But damn, I have had a few flings. Safe stuff. But again...I "cheated", and whether I got HPV from those few flings or from other encounters before... I would never know.
Comments: This guy is ALL ABOUT HIM. Really—all about him. It’s nice that he threw in the afterthought that he hopes he didn’t pass this on to his wife and his lover’s wife. Nice guy, huh?
From Alan in the UK:
Where young children are involved, don't come out - stick with it! At 28 you still have a long life ahead of you. When they are grown up and should have flown the nest then see how the land lies.
In the experience I have just gone through, my 2 daughters are 28 and 26 and old enough to make up their own minds about what has happened. With a child of 2 it is a very different situation. I accept that children these days seem to accept such changes in their lives readily. Should we make them accept those changes at such a young age for our own selfish means? I use the word "selfish" carefully - with having been married 7 years and waiting (or being forced to wait) 5 years for a child is it not a little bit selfish to want a different life now. If you wait 10 to 15 years you will only be in your mid 40s and still acceptable / attractive to a lot of guys. She will then be 12 - 17 and much better equipped to face life with parents who are separated. I vote "No" to coming out and to divorce in your circumstances.
Hope this helps.
Alan
Comments: Of course Alan feels that “being honest” is not the route to go with young children—at least with his wife. And the good news is if Craig waits 10 to 15 years, he’ll still be attractive to a lot of guys which should encourage him to keep living his lie. And best of all, kids of 12 – 17 are better equipped to face life with parents who are separated. Where does the wife enter this picture at all? Oh, she’s just the caretaker of the family who can be easily disposed of in enough time to give Craig some still attractive years of his life to be with gay men.
Response from Brian A.:
I told my wife before we were married. That was a mistake. She will tell you she was glad I shared, but I sincerely think some things are better left unsaid. Forgive me if it sounds chauvinist, but I think women, regardless of age, still harbor fantasies of being swept up by manly men on white horses, and somehow dick s..king just doesn't figure into that picture.
I don't regret being bisexual or acting on it, but I do regret telling my wife.
Also women tend to share with friends or family when they're hurt. If you do tell, you need to be ready to have to explain your decision to whoever she decides to share your story with.
Just don't.
Comments: I’m not sure about the fantasies that women harbor, but I know the fantasy is not about her husband having sex with men. Even when women are “told” before marriage, they don’t understand. They believe their husbands made a choice—and the choice was them. As you can see, it is not.
For those who are concerned about the church men, here is a letter from Ken venting:
I had a one night stand (actually about 3 nights) about 8 1/2 years ago. He was a great guy and had a young son. We stayed in touch for about 5-6 months and that is when I came out to my wife. I told her about him as I wanted to be totally honest and up-front. What a huge mistake! Since I came out to her and told her about him and my other male-to-male relationships before and after marriage, she has use all that against me. Unfortunately, I am a pastor, which I am committed to, but she has threatened me many times to turn me in to the congregation and the bishop. Actually, I am leaving my church as they are going broke, so don't know what the future will bring me.
About a year and a half ago, I met a man online who is over 20 years younger than me and we have been seeing each other off and on for that time. Fortunately, for me, he only is attracted to men older than him. And he knows I have no money so that is not the attraction. He is a wonderful man and is caring, loving, protective, compassionate, sharing - all the things I would look for in a relationship, but haven't had in my marriage. Plus he is very masculine and good-looking which are not essential attributes, but certainly good ones.
My wife is aware of him and has made threats to me concerning him. Again, like turning me into the congregation or the hierarchy. But I am done with all that. We, at least I, have decided to divorce my wife rather than keep living a lie and living under her threats and conditions. She is constantly threatening me, name-calling, accusing me of things I have never done, etc. It has become a daily routine and one which I can no longer handle. So I am planning on getting a mediator to help us divide up what few assets we have left and to end this life of misery. I know divorce is not always right and I especially know that adultery is wrong, but I need to feel that my life is worth something and that I am not really the scum of the earth as I have been told. I hate hurting anyone, but I need to be happy in my life.
Comments: Isn’t his wife a nagging witch? She has some nerve threatening him just because he continues to cheat on her. And this is a man of God, right?
After the overwhelming flow of answers, of which I have reprinted only a handful, this was Craig’s decision on January 7, 2009:
Thanks. I'm overwhelmed by the majority of responses that tell me to stick with it. This speaks volumes to me - I feel so ill equipped to make such a decision at such an early stage in my life so sincerely appreciate the advice. I think maintaining the status quo is the best answer - but I still have to get over my emotional link with the guy involved, and so does he.
And so, here is another potential member of our group years down the line who has no idea what she is facing in her marriage in the years ahead.
Bottom line—these are the most selfish guys that I can ever imagine. They take no responsibility for the unhappiness or anger of their wives; rather than look inwardly, they look to place the blame everywhere else. They have no courage to take responsibility for their actions; rather they look to protect themselves rather than love their wives enough to be honest with them about their extracurricular activities.
For those of you who are still sitting on the fence wondering when you will find “proof” or the get the “truth” rather than denials from your husbands/ex-husbands, let this be a lesson to you.
There are dozens of online groups for married gay men. Any time you have any doubts about your own husband, start reading their posts and you’ll gain a sense of reality of what you are up against. These men all support each other with the same dishonest advice of keeping it a secret and never telling you. It is a conspiracy, for sure, that you will always face. Wake up and realize you can’t get a confession out of these men. Save yourselves so you don’t have to end up with an STD that will remind you for life of the mistake you made.
FROM THE MAILBAG:
Dear Bonnie,
I have a question for you...can you give me any tips on where I might find information about domestic violence suffered by women who are married to gay men? Or criminal activity perpetrated by gay husbands who fear being outted or whose lovers threaten to leave them if they don't come out?
Thanks, S.
Response: Although I don’t think this frequently happens, we have had reports in our support chat about several acts of violence. If you would like to address this, please send m your note for next month.
I always like to end on a happy note filled with hope for your futures. Here’s a lovely letter from one of our readers:
Hi Bonnie,
My 3 year marriage crumbled due to a gay husband and I divorced 3 years ago. It was a very difficult time for me. My life is not perfect now, but it is better than it was. I'm grateful to have a career, family and friends.
I re-started my career, did some traveling and met plenty of other people You only get one life that I know of. So, don't waste another minute being miserable with these gay men when you can choose to have better chance at life and happiness.
Good luck ladies!!!
That’s the best advice for all of you—be happy—and be free of living your husband’s lie!
With love and hope,
Bonnie Kaye
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