SOME THOUGHTS FOR THE NEW YEAR January, 2004

SOME THOUGHTS FOR THE NEW YEAR

I want to wish a Happy New Year to all of my readers. I am soon going into my fourth year of this newsletter, and it’s amazing that over 5,000 people from around the world are reading my words each month looking for encouragement. It’s not easy to come up with new ideas month after month on this same topic or subject, but thankfully, something or someone always comes to the rescue with some inspirational thought.

This month, during one of my twice-weekly support chats, my dear friend Cindy really made me think about something that I want to share with you. Cindy is a wonderful woman with a child who lives in an unhappy marriage like so many of you. Cindy is not looking to make excuses for staying in her marriage—she is honestly caught between two points trying to get through the days so she can move ahead. I find that most of the women who are stuck in the muck are living with limbo men who won’t confess to their sexuality, or if they do drop a hint of honesty, quickly revoke it and try to make their wives think that they were hallucinating or as they often sling the word, “crazy.”

Cindy’s situation is typical of so many of the women that I counsel and advise. I see women drag on for years because they just don’t believe they can get out of their unfulfilling marriages. That’s why I’m always so happy to hear from those whom I threw a lifeline write to me saying that their lives are now saved and they are back in the land of sanity. The women, who found they were living in the valley of the shadow of death, somehow manage to muster up the strength when they least expect it and find themselves crossing over to the land of the living. Sometimes it happens quickly; other times it takes years. But eventually, those who want to leave find a way to leave.

I never make judgment on those who want to leave but can’t. No two women are the same, and no two situations are exactly the same. I am lucky because almost all of the women who come to me know that they can’t live forever in a mentally repulsive situation. They just need a lifeline to hang onto until the right moment comes.

This makes me think about Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy found herself in a strange land and did her best to adjust to the situation. She made some new friends in the Scarecrow, Lion, and Tin Man, growing quite fond of them through her travels. And yet, she knew that she was in a world that wasn’t hers. In spite of her status of hero for killing that wicked witch, she still wanted to go home. She found herself at the door of the Wizard asking him to send her home. After being promised that her wish would be granted after she killed the remaining wicked witch, she faced numerous dangers knowing that in the end, her efforts would set her free. Dorothy was so distraught when the Wizard pulled out in his balloon without her on board.

Then Glenda, the good witch appeared. She told Dorothy to stop crying because she could go home. All she had to do was click her red ruby shoes and say, “I want to go home…I want to go home.” You see, Dorothy had it in her own power to get there if only she wanted it enough. And all of you in pain have the same power. If you say it long enough and believe it, it can happen. It may take more than clicking your heels, but you have the inner strength to take yourself out of your space and move to a new place. Maybe it won’t be today, but maybe tomorrow. Or maybe it will be next week, month or year. The important thing is not to lose sight of where you want to be. Focus and plan, and you will get there.
Keep repeating Dorothy’s mantra with a slight modification. “I don’t want to be in this home…I don’t want to be in this home.” Happiness is out there waiting for you.

Another one of my support group members, Barbara, wrote me a letter last week. Barbara hasn’t been joining us lately because she feels very hopeless and depressed. When Barbara would chat with us, she knew she wasn’t happy, but she was not ready to leave because of financial reasons. Barbara struggled as a single parent for many years, raising children on her own. When she married her gay husband a number of years ago, she felt she finally had some financial security and something to offer her children if they needed her help. Although her kids are grown and have a life of their own, she felt that she wanted to be able to help them financially or leave something to them someday. That’s why she was hanging in.

When my grandmother was alive, she used to tell us that all of the money in the world couldn’t buy you health. Now in my early 50’s and always facing some health issue (all of which started at 50!) I understand only too well what she meant. I have seen the wealthiest of people struck down by terrible diseases. All of their money doesn’t change anything. It may make them more comfortable while they are going through their suffering by providing additional supports such as nursing care or not worrying about the bills, but it doesn’t provide a change in the condition.

Barbara’s letter reminded me of those wise words that my grandmother used to tell us. Having financial security can never compensate for mental health. So many women are staying in destructive marriages because they are afraid they can’t make it on their own financially. So they hang in popping anti-depressants to cope or just wake up feeling that life is horrible every day.

When Barbara would come to the support chat, all I told her that someday she’ll realize that no amount of money is worth living in a miserable situation. In the past few months, she is beginning to see this. The family finances have gone downhill, and now she’s realizing that the only thing she really has is life with an emotionally abusive husband. No amount of money is worth waking up every day and feeling depressed. Barbara will someday make the move to save her sanity for the years ahead. You see, she wouldn’t have even come to me for help if she were happy. Women who write to me know that something is wrong. Almost all of them know that life is in a terrible place and space, but it takes time to figure out how all of it happened and how to move ahead. I have faith in these women because they are not looking to find ways to make something unworkable work. For those who are desperate enough to try making something work that is unworkable, there are groups out there willing to give support.

Some women who write to me tell me that they found those groups before they were able to find me. They tell me how women in these groups call me “negative” or “angry.” I admit that their accusations are true. I am negative when it comes to condoning abnormal situations. And I am angry that women who are seeking sanity find these groups before me and have to spend more time wondering why they feel “abnormal” because they don’t want to stay in a marriage that is doomed like these other women.

The most important lesson I have learned in my life is that you can’t buy back time no matter how much money you have. Time is a precious. A recent presentation sent to me by my dear friend, Vince, put it in such a wonderful perspective. I have sent each of you this link in this newsletter email to remind you just how precious time really is. I hope it moves you the way it did me.

This is a new year. This is a time for many of you to renew your journey to freedom. I will be there for you every step of the way. Never feel you are alone in this mess. I am there—and I care. Write to me anytime you need comfort or support. A new life free of the struggles you are living daily is within your reach. Start clicking those slippers!

HAPPILY EVER AFTER STORIES TO INSPIRE YOU

Last month, I asked my readers if they could send in some inspirational stories of how life can be after divorce from a gay husband. I always try to inspire you with the stories of my soulmate of ten years. And yes, our anniversary was wonderful! But in case you are thinking that it’s just me…well, it’s not! Two of my friends whom I met in my support chat were willing to share their stories with you too. Both Gretchen and Becky were kind enough to share their lives in my recently released book, “Doomed Grooms: Gay Husbands of Straight Wives.” Now, two years after their original words, their stories will hopefully show you that there is a “beautiful life” out there when you take the chance and go for it. Enjoy!

Robin Grisel’s story

There are still mornings that I wake up and listen to the snoring beside me and my eyes fill with tears of gratitude that the man beside me is really, really there. This man is now my husband and there is love there that I can depend on, that I don’t have to doubt and wonder and second-guess. This is what marriage is supposed to be, this is what an adult relationship is all about. I am as happy as I’ve ever been in my life.

Of course, about three years ago, if you had made a prediction that this would be my life now, I’d have asked what you were smoking! Three years ago, I was married to a gay man, a man who didn’t want to face the truth and used me as a convenient outlet to relieve his frustrations and anger. At that time, I believed the cruel things he said about me and did to me, almost believed I didn’t deserve love and sex and respect.

Then I met John. It was a casual encounter during a business trip, and I was certainly not seeking an affair. We got to know each other over the Internet because he lived quite far away, at first corresponding about sports, then becoming more personal. He was going through a divorce at the time and I gradually described more of my marital difficulties to him. He was actually the first one to gently suggest that maybe my husband was unsure of his sexual identity. John’s uncanny ability to analyze the situation without even knowing the people involved was a godsend. He started me on the difficult, but necessary and ultimately rewarding road of ending my marriage – for my own good, not to take advantage of me in all my vulnerability (really!)

Once we were both emotionally (and almost legally) free of our spouses, we realized there was a quite a bond between us. We visited each other a few times and it became clear we were meant to be together. Because I have primary custody of my two young children, John moved 1,800 miles to my city so we could be together. We were married in February, 2003, just the two of us, on a snowy afternoon in the Rocky Mountains. The honeymoon is far from over – I can’t believe how wonderful sex is with a loving, heterosexual man!

I can’t stress enough to all the women out there that there is someone out there for you! If I could find someone, you can too! I’m no beauty, believe me – I’m overweight, mid-40s, two young children – a great catch! You must remember, though, that inner beauty shines through above all, for the man perceptive enough to see it. I think the Internet is great way to start (three years ago, I would have said Internet dating was for losers and freaks!) because you can get to know someone from the inside out and can avoid misleading first impressions. Beside, where can older women with children go to meet guys these days? Bars? Even church? Been there, done that. Take chances, but don’t compromise in the long run. Your spirit may be a little bruised, but it’s still there, just waiting to be revived. Fairy tales are real. Your time will come, if you don’t give up!

Robin Grisel
West Cost

Becky’s story

Thank you for sharing your story of inspiration of hope for life and love post-"life married to a gay man". It is wonderful to hear of the happiness you have in your life. We all just want to feel loved and know that what we give out in a relationship we are getting back from that person. That is what most of us didn't get in our relationships with our gay husbands, or we didn't realize what we were supposed to be even getting back from that relationship. Since we are all such giving people we don't demand the same in return from the relationships we are in. So in many cases we don't realize what we are missing because we don't know any better. The thought of being genuinely loved in a relationship let alone respected is an unknown to most of us. So I am SO glad to hear you describe the relationship you have found and most importantly the comfort you feel because of it.

In your last newsletter you asked for people to write you and talk about a new relationship and hope for a different future. First, I think it is really important to bring up that I spent several years getting to know how to like myself and get used to knowing that I was a good person who deserved the same back out of a relationship. I guess I realized I had to get over my last relationship and learn to make myself my priority. I couldn't get into another relationship until I was through the demons of the first, I really didn't even think I wanted to either. I realized that I couldn't be a good mother without taking care of me first. Even if that was just 30 minutes of "me" time in my day enjoying a bubble bath or doing for me first. I learned to like myself all over again or even better than I ever had. I realized that no one else would care or respect me if I didn't respect myself. I didn't want to teach my children that they had to be second best, that they had to take better care of the world around them then they did themselves. I had asked a therapist I was seeing, "how do I make sure my children don't grow up stuffing their feelings and not being able to stand up for themselves?" She responded, "by having a mother who doesn't do those things to learn from!" Gee...........hmmm..........what a thought! So for several years I did that, learned about me, focused on me and my children. Had a life outside of the one I had with my ex. Made new friends and moved forward. Usually I am a better listener instead of talking about myself so forgive me if I talk in circles some.

I guess I fall into that category of finding myself in a new relationship after being married to a gay man. It is something I didn't necessarily consciously go out and look for. I guess that old saying that you find love when your NOT looking for it may exactly describe my situation. Almost 2 years ago, I got to know a man who lived over 600 miles away from where my children and I lived. My ex husband had moved 1000 miles away 5 years prior and I didn't live near any family or former in laws. This relationship grew very quickly just talking over the phone and via computer. The computer is actually the means in which we met. Bill and I actually feel like because we didn't have the outside distractions when people date in person, we got to know each other quicker and more in depth. Instead of sitting in a movie theater and not really communicating or being surrounded by the company of others and not being able to get to know each other that is ALL we had...talking and getting to know each other and what we liked and didn't liked and what we wanted and didn't want out of life.

I never really spent much time on the computer before until about 3 1/2 years ago when I first started finding information about being married to a gay man. I met Bonnie and found the AOL message support board for straight spouses. Those are the first situations in which I ever even participated in an on line chat situation. Talking via the computer to people I couldn't see and feel comfortable doing so took a while to get used to. Then I found myself on Friday and Saturday evenings, after my children had gone to bed, browsing through the computer and visiting different topic chat rooms and going in and just "listening" to people talk and watching them interact. I found it interesting and started interacting with people. I became more comfortable and started to see myself begin to trust some of the people I "met". I started emailing some of the people I met, women and men. Some of them were in rooms with topics of parenting, divorce, and Christian.

Looking back, I guess I started to learn how to trust some and who not to trust. Then about 22 months ago I met a man who I corresponded with, began to start to visit with on the phone then we decided after much thought to meet in person. It really was amazing how comfortable I felt talking to this man and how much he shared with me. We also felt we had an amazing amount of things in common and common experiences in life. In my past I wasn't one who did things spontaneously and this time I did and felt VERY comfortable doing so. It was a very freeing feeling. I guess for once I wasn't the one doing what was predictable for me. I stepped out of what would have been my comfort zone. I had never trusted my gut before so much. I found myself opening up and talking about things, I really NEVER could with my ex, within a couple of months of knowing Bill. I felt comfortable setting boundaries with him and you know what, he didn't blow up and get angry. He listened, took in the information and then respectfully told me how he felt about it.

It was so wonderful having honest, open communication with a man I began to feel deeply about. He and I had VERY common feelings and opinions about family, relationships, work and the future. Being involved in his children’s life and being a father was important to him and he included my children in his thoughts about the future. We laughed, shared, and had serious times that grew and seemed like we had known each other much longer than we had. Yes, having a physical relationship was wonderful and everything it was supposed to be, mentally AND physically. Soon it seemed unreal to be discussing combining our lives and how we would do that.

Through it all, my children and the effect it would have on them was of utmost importance to him. He thought of things I never even thought of. My children got to know of him and when we started to let them talk on the phone. We didn't involve them until we knew it was a relationship that would be long term. He was able to have more of a conversation and soon relationship then even their father did. My children really enjoyed him and my daughter soon even brought up how she saw me react to my conversations with him, she said, "he makes you laugh, so I know I like him". Gee, out of the mouths of babes.

Last summer, after MONTHS of planning, I sold my house, moved my children, pets and myself 600 miles to combine families and lives with Bill. We are planning on getting married later spring or early summer. It has been interesting and everything we expected it would be. It's not that their haven't been bumps in the road but we have met them head on together. I REALLY feel and know that he respects and loves me and I know EXACTLY how he feels, and I am able to trust myself and my feelings. I love him and that the fact that I important to him and what I think and feel is important to him. It has seemed unreal to go with my gut and trust myself.

Some of my family and friends have worried that I was doing something too risky, but I felt I would regret it if I didn't trust Bill and myself. I knew that if Bill wanted to hide something he could, but heck someone I met at church, at the grocery store or through friends could keep things from me, be dishonest or not be who they made themselves out to be. Heck, it seemed that 17 years before I met someone who wasn't what I thought he was either. This relationship has turned out to be exactly what I and we thought it would be, exactly what it has been through the long distance miles. We have fun, share lots of time and love (good and bad), learning to combine our lives and families as we go along.

I am glad I learned to know me, like me and take care of ME. I am glad I trusted myself and my feelings. I trust Bill and the love we have for each other. I know he will be there and that he WANTS to be there for me.

Bonnie, I want everyone to know that there IS life after being married to a gay man. I think I was able to see that and know that even before I met Bill, he is just the icing on the cake!! One day, one moment at a time. A saying I love says it well, "love life and live it to it's fullest".

Thank you for all you do for everyone!
Love you,
Becky

And thank you, Gretchen and Becky. And to all of my readers, I wish you a Happy New Year. Tammy, this past year was YOUR year. Connie, it was also YOUR year. Holly, it was YOUR year as well. Debra, this year will be your year. Maybe this will be the year for you. When it happens, share your story with others who need hope and happy endings.

Love and hope,
Bonnie Kaye

December, 2003

ACT 2: SCENE 3

Quite frequently, women write to me about their lack of viable skills when it comes to securing a job so they can gain financial independence. I always look for transferable skills that would be a good match such as caretaker, nurse, detective, etc. How did I miss the most obvious one, namely—ACTRESS?

Every holiday season, wives of gay men have to play their Oscar award-winning role of “Happy Wife” in front of crowds of hundreds. Of course, there is no golden statue at the end of the season like their movie counterparts, but no doubt, the performances are just as extraordinary. And the holiday season is not the yearly birthday, anniversary, or Easter. The HOLIDAY SEASON is a long stretch that starts at Thanksgiving and continues until Valentine’s Day. Between those two points, we begin the family and love ordeal. Thanksgiving is the beginning, followed by Christmas, New Year’s, and finally ending on Valentine’s Day in February. We are so relieved to have the President’s Birthday as a holiday in February because by then, all of our emotional horror of the holiday season is over. Imagine thinking that Washington and Lincoln can actually neutralize and balance out life because after three months of families celebrating family unity and love, we no longer have to cringe when we hear the word, “holiday.” The touchy-feely ones are over, and once again, we have not been touched or felt, and in fact, most of us have been living with a Novocain kind of numbness so that we can protect ourselves from crying at any given moment because we are HURTING.

The Holiday Season is such a difficult time for straight wives because it is an up front in your face reminder of what life was supposed to be like but never became. Or if it was, it’s over after years because homosexuality has joined into your previously happy union or what you were hoping would be your happy union. It’s almost like having Scrooge find his way into your husband’s body and head. When you want a display of affection and emotion, he’s saying, “Bah, Humbug.” To this I say, “Ho, ho, no, no more.”

You see, even though you may be feeling the pain of this holiday season, it could be your last year to suffer this way. Believe it or not, you can make it your New Year’s resolution to be FREE by next year. Free of the pressures and strain of living a lie. Free of the constant questioning of what can you do to make life better with a man who wants a man to make his life better. Free of the mental torture from the mind games your husband plays so well with you, trying to make you start believing that you are losing your mind and it’s just your imagination running away with you while he’s running around with men. Free of earning your professional detective license while snooping around in a relationship that is supposed to be based on honesty and truth. Free to go to bed at night and feel good about waking up in the morning. Why? Because waking up alone and having peace of mind is always better than waking up next to someone who really doesn’t want to be with you and is making you miserable because he feels that you are “trapping” him.

You see, way beyond this being a holiday season of family and love, it is a holiday season of hope. A time to make resolutions that will help you become healthy and happy. Now I know people hate clichés, but this one really catches the essence of the holiday—namely, “HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.” This little ditty kind of coincides with my own personal philosophy; namely, each new day offers the opportunity of waking up and changing your life. I believe it. I actually did it, and I never look back and regret it. My marriage was doomed. I could have spent 10, 15, or 25 more years of wasting my life with a man who could only make me miserable. But a little bird in my head that became a choir of canaries singing to me, “Don’t Do It.” Don’t give up one more year of precious time to a debilitating situation.”

Look, I know that there are women who are now free who are reading my newsletter. You write to me all the time. I’d appreciate it if you could write to share your new life with my other readers who are still trapped to give them hope. Hope for the New Year. Hope for a new life. Hope for happiness. Hope for sanity. I will publish some of your letters in my upcoming newsletters with your permission. Please write to me!

ON A HOPEFUL NOTE – HAPPY 10 YEARS TO ME!!!

If you’ve read my newsletters, you’ve read about my soulmate. We will celebrate 10 years together on January 5. Ten years—wow. Who could ever believe that I could find a man who would hold my attention for more than 10 minutes, and now it’s 10 years. A decade.

To me, this represents more than just a decade of togetherness. This has been an entire decade of learning how to communicate with someone who still excites me every time he touches me. This is a decade of a man who loves to touch me, even though I’ve entered into middle age with middle bulges throughout my body. And yet, he has never, ever, ever, made me feel that I was less than beautiful and desirable, even though I have gained more than an average of 5 pounds during each of these 10 years. He loves me. He makes me feel as if I were 100 pounds lighter than I am and worthy of being loved.

After 10 years, I am more in love with him now than ever. And yes, there is a difference between being in love and loving someone. I am both. I need to be in love in order to wake up feeling good every day. But loving him helps us make it through times that aren’t perfect or when there is strain due to external circumstances.

My soulmate often asks me why I love him so much. He can’t understand it. In the early part of our relationship he was even “embarrassed” when I kept telling him that I loved him. He’s more than 11 years older than me. He just couldn’t get it. And quite frankly, I wasn’t quite sure myself what compelled me to go after him with every ounce of energy I had, because he was not in a relationship mode or looking for one. In fact, it took me nearly 16 months of relentless pursuit to make him mine. And then, after trying every little trick in my book to get him hooked, he grabbed the line. There was no turning back.

Over the years, we have had some rough times. It took time for both of us to understand each other. He never had a relationship that required so much emotional work. I was coming into a relationship that would need a lot of nurturing to try to reverse my own sense of insecurity due to my past failures. I like to think of myself as low maintenance, just needing some quality time and a few loving words. It took a number of years before he could meet my needs, but I refused to quit. We worked our way through many obstacle courses that often seemed to be blocking our way It was similar to those old Johnny Mercer lyrics from the song, Something’s Gotta Give, that state:

When an irresistible force such as you

Meets and old immovable object like me

You can bet as sure as you live

Something's gotta give, something's gotta give,Something's gotta give.

I was the irresistible force, he was the immovable object. And yet, my heart told me that all the potential for my ultimate happiness was with this man. He was my soulmate who needed me as much as I needed him. And after lots of hard work on my part—the hardest part being not giving up knowing the potential was there—everything started moving in my direction. My continued show of unconditional love produced a reversal of heart and created unconditional love from the man I love. After a number of years, he learned how to meet my emotional needs in a meaningful way. He learned how to make me feel secure and loved. There is a deep sense of commitment there on his part, and he knows how to express it in a way that makes me know he loves me.

I guess this is the most important lesson that I want to share with you. There is a difference between putting time and effort into a relationship that can work versus one that won’t work. While I spent the last 10 years building a relationship of mutual love, passion, and intimacy with a man who could return it, many of you spent this past decade with your gay husbands only to find out that you are putting time into a losing cause. All of you have tried just as hard or harder than I to change the “immovable objects” you are married to, but all that happens is that they move further away from you physically, emotionally, sexually. When you are married to a gay man, there’s no way to move closer because he is always two feet in front of you and running faster. You can never catch up. Unfortunately, those of you who are married to Limbo Men or Straight/Gay Men never get enough physical space between you. They will never leave more than a two-foot space when they need to leave all together. They will stay and torture you for decades to come.

I don’t know why some women in general feel the need to “change” men who have no desire to be changed, whether they straight or gay. I know this may sound selfish, but I don’t like to stay a suffering servant for too long. I believe in the philosophy of “cut your losses,” and I have a good track record of doing that. I’m not waiting to die to get to heaven. I want a piece of it here. And I’ve been blessed to find it with the man who is my soulmate.

So, Happy Anniversary, my love. Thank you for making me believe in myself, believe in us, believe in love, and to not only dream the impossible dream, but to live it while loving it. Every one of you deserves to be this lucky and this happy. Don’t give up no matter how impossible you think it is. Good things do happen to good people—you just have to be the master of your own destiny.