December, 2003

ACT 2: SCENE 3

Quite frequently, women write to me about their lack of viable skills when it comes to securing a job so they can gain financial independence. I always look for transferable skills that would be a good match such as caretaker, nurse, detective, etc. How did I miss the most obvious one, namely—ACTRESS?

Every holiday season, wives of gay men have to play their Oscar award-winning role of “Happy Wife” in front of crowds of hundreds. Of course, there is no golden statue at the end of the season like their movie counterparts, but no doubt, the performances are just as extraordinary. And the holiday season is not the yearly birthday, anniversary, or Easter. The HOLIDAY SEASON is a long stretch that starts at Thanksgiving and continues until Valentine’s Day. Between those two points, we begin the family and love ordeal. Thanksgiving is the beginning, followed by Christmas, New Year’s, and finally ending on Valentine’s Day in February. We are so relieved to have the President’s Birthday as a holiday in February because by then, all of our emotional horror of the holiday season is over. Imagine thinking that Washington and Lincoln can actually neutralize and balance out life because after three months of families celebrating family unity and love, we no longer have to cringe when we hear the word, “holiday.” The touchy-feely ones are over, and once again, we have not been touched or felt, and in fact, most of us have been living with a Novocain kind of numbness so that we can protect ourselves from crying at any given moment because we are HURTING.

The Holiday Season is such a difficult time for straight wives because it is an up front in your face reminder of what life was supposed to be like but never became. Or if it was, it’s over after years because homosexuality has joined into your previously happy union or what you were hoping would be your happy union. It’s almost like having Scrooge find his way into your husband’s body and head. When you want a display of affection and emotion, he’s saying, “Bah, Humbug.” To this I say, “Ho, ho, no, no more.”

You see, even though you may be feeling the pain of this holiday season, it could be your last year to suffer this way. Believe it or not, you can make it your New Year’s resolution to be FREE by next year. Free of the pressures and strain of living a lie. Free of the constant questioning of what can you do to make life better with a man who wants a man to make his life better. Free of the mental torture from the mind games your husband plays so well with you, trying to make you start believing that you are losing your mind and it’s just your imagination running away with you while he’s running around with men. Free of earning your professional detective license while snooping around in a relationship that is supposed to be based on honesty and truth. Free to go to bed at night and feel good about waking up in the morning. Why? Because waking up alone and having peace of mind is always better than waking up next to someone who really doesn’t want to be with you and is making you miserable because he feels that you are “trapping” him.

You see, way beyond this being a holiday season of family and love, it is a holiday season of hope. A time to make resolutions that will help you become healthy and happy. Now I know people hate clichés, but this one really catches the essence of the holiday—namely, “HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.” This little ditty kind of coincides with my own personal philosophy; namely, each new day offers the opportunity of waking up and changing your life. I believe it. I actually did it, and I never look back and regret it. My marriage was doomed. I could have spent 10, 15, or 25 more years of wasting my life with a man who could only make me miserable. But a little bird in my head that became a choir of canaries singing to me, “Don’t Do It.” Don’t give up one more year of precious time to a debilitating situation.”

Look, I know that there are women who are now free who are reading my newsletter. You write to me all the time. I’d appreciate it if you could write to share your new life with my other readers who are still trapped to give them hope. Hope for the New Year. Hope for a new life. Hope for happiness. Hope for sanity. I will publish some of your letters in my upcoming newsletters with your permission. Please write to me!

ON A HOPEFUL NOTE – HAPPY 10 YEARS TO ME!!!

If you’ve read my newsletters, you’ve read about my soulmate. We will celebrate 10 years together on January 5. Ten years—wow. Who could ever believe that I could find a man who would hold my attention for more than 10 minutes, and now it’s 10 years. A decade.

To me, this represents more than just a decade of togetherness. This has been an entire decade of learning how to communicate with someone who still excites me every time he touches me. This is a decade of a man who loves to touch me, even though I’ve entered into middle age with middle bulges throughout my body. And yet, he has never, ever, ever, made me feel that I was less than beautiful and desirable, even though I have gained more than an average of 5 pounds during each of these 10 years. He loves me. He makes me feel as if I were 100 pounds lighter than I am and worthy of being loved.

After 10 years, I am more in love with him now than ever. And yes, there is a difference between being in love and loving someone. I am both. I need to be in love in order to wake up feeling good every day. But loving him helps us make it through times that aren’t perfect or when there is strain due to external circumstances.

My soulmate often asks me why I love him so much. He can’t understand it. In the early part of our relationship he was even “embarrassed” when I kept telling him that I loved him. He’s more than 11 years older than me. He just couldn’t get it. And quite frankly, I wasn’t quite sure myself what compelled me to go after him with every ounce of energy I had, because he was not in a relationship mode or looking for one. In fact, it took me nearly 16 months of relentless pursuit to make him mine. And then, after trying every little trick in my book to get him hooked, he grabbed the line. There was no turning back.

Over the years, we have had some rough times. It took time for both of us to understand each other. He never had a relationship that required so much emotional work. I was coming into a relationship that would need a lot of nurturing to try to reverse my own sense of insecurity due to my past failures. I like to think of myself as low maintenance, just needing some quality time and a few loving words. It took a number of years before he could meet my needs, but I refused to quit. We worked our way through many obstacle courses that often seemed to be blocking our way It was similar to those old Johnny Mercer lyrics from the song, Something’s Gotta Give, that state:

When an irresistible force such as you

Meets and old immovable object like me

You can bet as sure as you live

Something's gotta give, something's gotta give,Something's gotta give.

I was the irresistible force, he was the immovable object. And yet, my heart told me that all the potential for my ultimate happiness was with this man. He was my soulmate who needed me as much as I needed him. And after lots of hard work on my part—the hardest part being not giving up knowing the potential was there—everything started moving in my direction. My continued show of unconditional love produced a reversal of heart and created unconditional love from the man I love. After a number of years, he learned how to meet my emotional needs in a meaningful way. He learned how to make me feel secure and loved. There is a deep sense of commitment there on his part, and he knows how to express it in a way that makes me know he loves me.

I guess this is the most important lesson that I want to share with you. There is a difference between putting time and effort into a relationship that can work versus one that won’t work. While I spent the last 10 years building a relationship of mutual love, passion, and intimacy with a man who could return it, many of you spent this past decade with your gay husbands only to find out that you are putting time into a losing cause. All of you have tried just as hard or harder than I to change the “immovable objects” you are married to, but all that happens is that they move further away from you physically, emotionally, sexually. When you are married to a gay man, there’s no way to move closer because he is always two feet in front of you and running faster. You can never catch up. Unfortunately, those of you who are married to Limbo Men or Straight/Gay Men never get enough physical space between you. They will never leave more than a two-foot space when they need to leave all together. They will stay and torture you for decades to come.

I don’t know why some women in general feel the need to “change” men who have no desire to be changed, whether they straight or gay. I know this may sound selfish, but I don’t like to stay a suffering servant for too long. I believe in the philosophy of “cut your losses,” and I have a good track record of doing that. I’m not waiting to die to get to heaven. I want a piece of it here. And I’ve been blessed to find it with the man who is my soulmate.

So, Happy Anniversary, my love. Thank you for making me believe in myself, believe in us, believe in love, and to not only dream the impossible dream, but to live it while loving it. Every one of you deserves to be this lucky and this happy. Don’t give up no matter how impossible you think it is. Good things do happen to good people—you just have to be the master of your own destiny.

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS August, 2003

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS

I have had an increasing number of gay men who have been writing to me in recent months. For the most part, they are men who are either in marriages or recently left marriages and are having difficulty dealing with “guilt” for the unhappiness they have brought their wives and families.

I always applaud these men because they are honest—at least at some point. Whenever I read these stories, I feel tremendous compassion for the tragedy that has fallen on the families at all ends.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am writing about this at all. This newsletter is, after all, primarily there to support straight women who are suffering and struggling through this situation. But guess what? I’m there for the men also who are in pain and need support. Maybe misery loves company, but from where I’m sitting, no one has to really be miserable in the long run.

In my heart, I believe that most gay men who marry are hoping against hope that homosexuality will be a thought or thing of the past once marriage comes along to “save” them. And no matter how much most straight wives believe that gay men know they are gay when they get married, I don’t believe that at all. I have come to learn that there are many gay married men who haven’t acted on their homosexual feelings, or even had homosexual feelings, until years into the marriage.

Am I an apologist? Of course not. I’m just a realist and a humanist. And I’m also honest. I see both sides of this one-sided situation. I can’t even begin to imagine the struggle that gay men go through when learning to accept who they are. I understand all of the societal and family pressures that make them try so hard to be who they are not. I’ve seen all kinds of people trying to change because of fear. And in this time of enlightenment of humankind, some lights just seem to be snuffed out by ignorance. We are still living in a society that tells us that homosexuality is a deviant practice. Millions of vocal people still believe that there are choices to be made, and people can decide to be “straight” if only they try hard enough or are strong enough. It takes great courage and conviction to say, “The hell with what people think—I am what I am.” It takes courage because being who you are can result in terrible consequences such as the loss of family members including parents, being outcast in the community, discrimination on the job, and in some cases, physical violence by ignorant people who are looking to pounce on gays just because they are gay.

Until the day comes when gay is viewed no differently than straight, gay men who can “perform” straight sex, even minimally or poorly, will do all that they can to convince themselves that they are straight. Is this what I would call denial? No, this is what I would call illusion. Or delusion. At best, confusion. And how confusing must it be when gay men truly fall in love with straight women because love itself is confusing?

I have rarely met a gay man who has stated that he got married and didn’t love his wife. Maybe he wasn’t able to love her the way she needed to be loved, but how would he know that? How many straight men marry women who they really don’t totally love because they feel pressured or obligated? In a society that has a divorce rate that is nearly 50%, I’d say a lot. And even worse, how many bad straight marriages stay together when they should be ended because people are unhappy? Far too many that I see. People just get “stuck in the muck” and accept that this is what life is about. Yuck.

Now, that being said, let me return to my real issue. To summarize so that I am very, very clear:

1. I believe that most gay men who marry do love their wives when they marry them.
2. I believe that most gay men who get married try their best to be the kind of husband they think they’re supposed to be.
3. I believe that most gay men who marry really want to be straight.
4. I believe that most gay men who marry don’t think they are gay when they get married.

Am I doing good so far?

So let me analyze these statements a little further.

1. I believe that most gay men who marry do love their wives when they marry them. I don’t believe that most gay men who marry are looking to “use” their wives at the time of marriage. It is their real intent to pull things together and create a loving family unit. Some of these men have had homosexual sexual encounters, but they believe that this is “normal” for guys. Hey look, I grew up with those reports from knowledgeable doctors like Kinsey who said the majority of men have some kind of homosexual encounter sometime in life. Why shouldn’t we believe that it is “normal” to have a few innocent encounters? Also, sexuality is very confusing throughout the teens and 20’s. Almost any touch and feel can feel exciting. Plenty of straight women have told me that they had a good sex life in the early years of their marriage. That’s why so much confusion sets in. I think another issue here is that other gay men know who they are so much earlier in the game. They say that from the time they were small, they always knew they were attracted to men. This is an important lesson—not all gay men are the same, at least when it comes to recognizing who they are and what they feel. Acknowledged.

2. I believe that most gay men who get married try their best to be the kind of husband they think they’re supposed to be. Some are good husbands, at least for many years. They are good friends, good providers, good fathers, and good partners. They try to live up to the expectations of what married life is supposed to be. I know this because so many women write to me so brokenhearted after telling me that they had a wonderful marriage. I admit I found this hard to believe in the beginning. That’s because my own marriage was so miserable. But guess what? My ex had relationships with guys after me and they were just as miserable as my marriage was. He didn’t treat his partners with any more kindness than he treated me. It’s just who he is. He’s a solo act who does not belong in a loving relationship. I also believe, however, that even though they try, they fall short of the expectations. They are gay men living in a straight marriage. They don’t belong there because they are gay. They are trying to play a “role” that they can’t interpret the right way because it’s not who they are.

3. I believe that most gay men who marry really want to be straight. If someone has the opportunity to be straight, believe me he is going to take it. If he can feel love towards a woman, he’s going to give the straight thing his very best try. And why not? Why wouldn’t he at least try to be straight? Maybe this “marriage thing” will be what he needs to make those nagging feelings or suspicions fade away—FOREVER. I believe that many gay men love their wives so much that they are “Temporarily Straight.” I even believe that some men have no clue that they have male attractions when they marry—especially young. NOT EVERY MAN HAS A YEARNING FOR MEN FROM THE TIME THEY ARE YOUNG. Some do, but not all. Time seems to be the great determining factor. The more time that goes by, the less the straight thing seems to work. Everyone’s body seems to have a different timer when it comes to sexuality. There isn’t a set day, time, or age that every man feels that big pull. Some know it early on, but many really don’t know it until later on. There is no logical answer here or predictor of when these feelings will surface.

4. I believe that most gay men who marry don’t think they are gay when they get married. Okay, some men know or strongly suspect. But I believe that most gay men don’t know they are gay when they get married, even if they have had sexual encounters with other men. They mistakenly feel that gay sex is not part of being gay. They think that gay means you have to be part of the gay world—and they are not. They may have had gay sexual encounters, but it wasn’t personal or emotional—just sex. They didn’t love their sexual partners or in many cases, even known their encounter partners, nor had a desire to do so. It was just a sexual act. Big deal. Their “straight side” is far more dominant than that gay sex thing. They love their wives—they make love to their wives. And in most cases, they can enjoy sex with their wives—at least for a while. I also believe that those men who believe they are gay are hoping that with a loving marriage, they will become straight. I don’t think most gay men go into a marriage thinking, “I’ll be a straight husband for my wife, but a gay lover for my gay relationships.” They are really hoping that gay will go away.

I bring up these points for several reasons. I don’t want straight wives to think that gay husbands have evil intentions when they get married. I know this is ridiculous. Some marriages have wonderful years together, and these are the marriages that are the most difficult to move past. These are the marriages where women hang in hoping that someday their husbands will wake up and realize what they gave up. Some women get hung up on thinking that their husbands will come to their senses when they realize that they are throwing away their marriages and families over some sex act. They just can’t understand. Or in some cases, they just don’t want to understand. How can a sexual act mean more than the love of a family?

Ironically, those husbands who eventually tell the truth are the ones who are looking for more than sexual encounters. They are looking for a soulmate who can understand their needs. We are not the soulmates they are longing to hold, caress, hug, and feel intimacy with. We can’t fulfill that need because we are women.

I do admire the honest men even if it takes time for them to be honest. Who I feel contempt for are the dishonest men who will torture their wives for years by making them think that there is nothing wrong with them—only their wives. These are the cowards who go out and do their thing and continue to lie about it to their wives. These are the men who are denying who they are when they are out there doing their gay thing. These men are not in denial because they are not denying themselves anything. They are in ‘DENYING”—DENYING to their wives what the truth is. These are men who want it all—a straight life, gay sex, and a cover for the public at large.

Sadly, too many of these “Denying” men justify their actions by saying that they love their wives too much to tell them. They are willing to keep living their lies figuring what their wives don’t know can’t hurt them. So often I get letters from men telling me they are so torn because they love their wives so much. Now these are the men who I can convince to do the right thing because they really love their wives enough to stop hurting them. And it ain’t easy, believe me. It’s a process that we go through where I make them understand how much more they are hurting their wives by lying to and cheating on them. These are the men that I can convince that living a lie is NOT beneficial to their wives. They start to understand the detrimental effect it has on a woman when you are somewhere that you don’t want to be because it’s not where you should be. You start picking fights just so that sex doesn’t have to become an issue. No one wants to make love with a man who is insulting, angry, or detached. Unfortunately, it is rare for a straight wife to ever say, “I’m married to a jerk—he’s the loser.” Instead she says, “Why doesn’t my husband love me anymore? I’m the loser.” It’s human nature. Women are socialized that way. The failure in the marriage is “their” failure even though they are the best of wives. Sad, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, there are lots of selfish, insecure men out there who just will not be honest with themselves or with their wives. These are men who justify their misactions by saying that they are sex addicts, fetish lovers, or bisexuals. A rose by any other name is still a rose I say. The power of “DENYING” IS VERY POWERFUL.

I also feel anger for the gay husbands who finally come out when they are ready and expect that their wives are just as ready as they are to accept their news. It’s taken them 10 or 20 years to come to terms with their homosexuality, but it’s only supposed to take us 10 or 20 minutes. Give me a break. When men write to me and say, “It’s been a month since I told my wife. Why is it taking her so long to accept it?” I get angry. They lack compassion and understanding. They are in a big hurry to lead their new life without giving their wives the time they need to recover from the news. This is heart aching, marriage breaking news that is very hard for a straight woman to grasp all at once. Those men who wake up one day and decide they can be who they really are and say, “Hi Honey, I’m not home anymore” need to find a better way to make their announcements.

But enough with the bad guys. I’m here to praise the brave men who do what needs to be done, namely, telling the truth and looking for solutions for both partners for the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. I recognize your struggle. I sympathize with your pain. And I admire your integrity for leading your wives out of the darkness so that one day they can see the light again.

Much Love and Hope,

Bonnie Kaye