A GAY MAN'S ANSWERS TO STRAIGHT WIVES

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
June 2010 Volume 9, Issue 108
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other

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FATHER’S DAY TRIBUTE
Once a year during the month of June, I like to dedicate this newsletter to the gay husbands/ex-husbands who are really doing their best to right the wrongs of their marriages. In this year’s June issue, I imposed on my male gay peer coach Doug to answer 12 of the questions that women ask me most often.

Before I give you Doug’s answers to these questions, I would like to remind our women that not all husbands/ex-husbands are irresponsible, cruel, or detached from their families. I know that many of you do have husbands who seem to have been transformed into strangers in your midst—but not all of them.
There are some wonderful gay men who found themselves caught up in their own confusion throughout their lives. When they have the courage to be honest and leave the marriage, they remain faithful to their families emotionally and financially. I have met some of these men, and you have read some of their letters throughout the years.

Doug is a hero to me. I have never met him, but I have seen the life-saving work he has done with the men I send him who want to do the right thing, as well as the women who I have sent to him to help them understand the dynamics of our situation from a gay man’s point of view. He has helped dozens and dozens of people in clarifying the reality of this situation so that they can move ahead in their lives. I am in awe of this man because he is so generous with his time and efforts to help people in our network.

Although we don’t always agree 100% of the time, we agree almost all of the time. And I guess in this situation where emotions and feelings run so high, that’s the most anyone can ask for. Regardless of whether you agree or disagree with Doug’s thoughts, I know you will find them honest, insightful, and heartfelt. Hopefully, you will learn some of the answers that you wonder about that have remained unanswered.

If you have questions or comments for Doug after reading this, please send them to me at Bonkaye@aol.com and I will forward them to him.

Here are Doug’s answers to the 12 most often asked questions that come my way from my straight wives.

1. Was my husband gay when he married me?

Science still has not determined why some people are gay but the research since the 1970’s has focused on genetic and/or biological factors. It appears that our sexuality is hard-wired in our brain before we are born. It occurs throughout the world in all cultures and it has been observed in over 100 species. Researchers have also identified structural differences in the brains of gay and straight men. In addition, all those old psychoanalytic theories about absentee or ineffective fathers and dominant mothers have since been disproved. Whether we are gay or straight, it appears that is determined sometime while we are developing as a fetus. Was I gay when I married my wife? Absolutely. I was gay the day I was born but no one in my family knew it or suspected it – including me.

2. Did my husband know he was gay when he married me?

The answer to that question depends on how one defines gay and straight. There is a difference between sexual orientation and sexual identity. Sexual orientation is based on our natural sexual attractions and responses toward the same or opposite gender and it does not change over time. There has never been any documented cases of anyone who changed his sexual orientation. Even the reparative ministry folks do not claim to be able to change someone’s natural attractions and desires. But sexual identity is based on how we perceive ourselves and that self-concept DOES change as we gain experience and become aware of our natural feelings and responses. For example, I knew I was attracted to other guys during my teen years and young adulthood. But the attraction was just physical. I had no interest in any kind of emotional relationship with another male. Therefore I did not define myself as being gay. My concept of the average gay man was shaped by a culture that failed to show me any positive gay relationships and treated them as perverts and felons. Remember, it was only a few years ago that the Supreme Court struck down felony offenses for consensual gay sex. And in most States in America, it still is legal to discriminate against gay people in employment and public accommodations. The only images I had of gay men were those who were gender non-conformists – males whose outward behaviors and interests were feminine and those who were shunned as outcasts in our society. That was not how I saw myself. I saw myself as an average guy who was in a heterosexual marriage. Even though I knew that I found some guys attractive and had natural sexual feelings for them, I did not view that as being homosexual. Like most husbands in these situations, I had limited sexual experience when I married and I married when I was young. I believed that those homosexual feelings and desires were probably present in most men, but the average guy was able to suppress those feelings and form a love bond with a woman, get married and have children.

Like most gay men who marry women, I didn’t define ‘gay’ in terms of sexual attractions. I defined ‘gay’ and ‘straight’ in terms of emotional attachments and/or outward masculine behavior. I couldn’t see myself ever loving another man and I wasn’t into cross dressing or other overt feminine behavior. I couldn’t even imagine it. I never met two guys who loved each other so I had no role models to compare with. The only way that I knew how to live was to love a woman and marry her and have kids. There were no other options in life.

3. Did my husband really love me when he married me or was he trying to escape who he was?

We have all read accounts about gay Hollywood stars who entered marriages of convenience. They didn’t really love their wife. It was an arrangement made by the studio execs or their managers to squash rumors of homosexuality. Being gay in Hollywood is still pretty much a career-capper. Ditto for politicians. Former Governor James McGreevey knew he was gay but got married because he needed a cover. In his book he admitted he knew he could not have a successful political career without a wife. So he married twice to protect his political career. But that’s not the case in most of the gay married guys I’ve met and coached. In fact, most of the husbands describe their marriage in terms of ‘soul mate’ and ‘best friend’. Part of the reason that these marriages are so very difficult and painful is because the relationship between the gay man and his wife is so very close. I’m not surprised. If the brain science is correct, our brain is most similar to those of straight women. We have skill sets most resembling those of women. We have the same high language skills and intuition and empathy. Why should it then be a surprise that we form very close relationships with women? In some ways, we are like the sister our wife always dreamed of having. It is much easier to end a marriage when two people have simply fallen out of love. It is far more difficult and painful to end that marriage when you still love each other but you know that it cannot work. You’re not just losing a spouse. You’re losing the best friend you ever had.

4. If my husband was gay, how was he able to have sex with me?

Men and women experience sexual desire very differently. Researchers had control groups watch porn movies. Using various instruments and brain imaging, they were able to measure sexual arousal. By tracking the retina, they were able to zero in on what the subject was watching or focusing on when they became aroused. It was determined that women tend to focus on the context of the scene – the situation and the romance and intimacy. However, gay men and straight men alike tend to focus on body parts. That probably also explains why women are twice as likely to have sex with men or women. The plumbing equipment and the visuals are not as important to them as the romance and emotional love bond. Men however, are highly visual and respond to visions of genital activity. In addition, a young man’s body is flooded with high levels of testosterone which amplifies emotions. One female researcher began taking testosterone injections equal to about 10% of what the average male her age would have in his system. She discontinued her experiment within just a few weeks. She reported that all of her emotions were heightened to the point where it was difficult to control them. That makes sense. All of our lives, boys have to deal with hyper-activity and out-of-control emotions. But it is that testosterone that pushes us to have sex. It’s the same stuff that makes us fall hopelessly in love – or lust. For most of us in our teens and early adulthood, ANY sex is good. There is no such thing as unfulfilled sex at that age. The very thought of having sex resulted in arousal.

5. Was my husband fantasizing about men when he had sex with me?

Some men do use homosexual fantasies to perform with their wife but that was not my experience nor does it seem to be the case in most that I’ve worked with. Fantasizing about a penis while you’re playing with a vagina just doesn’t work for most of us. If we start thinking about some guy we want to have sex with, and then see our wife making love to us, it usually results in a deflated penis. Most married guys separate our two realities. We live in a heterosexual world and heterosexual marriage and we try to play the role of a heterosexual husband and father. Our homosexual nature is assigned to an alter-ego and we keep that persona locked up in the closet until we can let him out in private – or with another guy. I was sexually active with my wife up until our separation. However for several years of our marriage she was aware that I was also having sex with men. When I had sex with her, I was doing it for her and trying my best to please her. I was able to bring her to orgasm and myself as well. But it felt academic. I was doing those things to please her. But when I was with a guy, whatever activity I was engaged in with them was shear lust and hunger. I wasn’t doing it to please him. I was doing it to please me because I desired it. I think that’s a significant difference that defines what sexual pleasure is. Are you doing it to please the other person, or are you doing it because it turns you on and you hunger for it? As gay married gay men grow older, the testosterone poisoning can no longer be relied upon. The levels begin to drop in the late 20s and 30s. Now he has to rely on desire to make it work.

6. Why couldn’t my husband be honest with me before he cheated with a man?

Most gay husbands married when they were young and had limited or no sexual experience with other men. We try to understand our attraction to other men but some things in life cannot be learned academically or through cognitive reasoning. Logic doesn’t teach us about our sexuality. These are complex physical and emotional responses that we have to experience. But we have no personal experience to draw from so the only way to discern whether this is just some crazy fantasy or something much deeper is through experiential learning. In that type of learning process, we experience something, then reflect on that experience, draw conclusions, and then adjust the experience and try it again. We keep repeating variations until we are able to learn from it and answer the questions about ourselves. Gay married guys are not willing to hurt their wife and family and risk destruction of the marriage over what may turn out to be some phase or ridiculous fantasy. We are not about to do that when it’s just possible that we could try it and come away with disgust and disillusionment. It’s one thing to put ourselves at risk of getting emotionally hurt but we are not willing to destroy our family without knowing the truth about ourselves. But the dilemma is that he cannot go have a full relationship with another man. He cannot experience that because he is married so he never truly gets the answers he needs. Very frequently, it sets him up in an approach-avoidance conflict where he reaches out for something but then pulls back because if he achieves what he desires it will hurt his wife and cause him more pain and guilt – which he tries to avoid. In my own life, I searched for those answers and tried to find fulfillment. But I couldn’t let myself fall in love with another guy and went to extremes to avoid it. That set up a sexual compulsion where I tried to use quantity as a substitute for what I really needed and desired. Until I understood that I was sabotaging myself in the hopes of avoiding painful situations for her, it was a constant compulsion that preoccupied me.

7. Why did he constantly blame me for his unhappiness in the marriage?

In my own marriage, I knew that we had once been sexually happy but didn’t understand why that was changing. Sex was becoming more like a duty or work for me. I saw my own struggle - working hard to try to keep romance and lust alive. However, I didn’t see her working at it at all. It felt like I was the only one working to keep the romance alive and she just took it for granted and didn’t see or appreciate what I was doing to keep it going. It was faulty reasoning. Of course she didn’t have to work at it. She loved me and I turned her on. She didn’t want anyone else. It wasn’t work, it was pleasure for her. But I was wrestling - trying to stay motivated. Yes, I loved her. But I didn’t desire her body. I desired and needed men, and I never had to work at that. It came automatically. And it wasn’t just about a penis vs. vagina. She could have sex reassignment surgery and get a penis – but she would still be a woman with a penis. I desired and needed a man. No matter what she did or how hard she tried to please me, she couldn’t be a man for me. But at the time it was happening, all I could see was that somehow I used to be motivated to have sex with her and now I was struggling and having to work at it. But I didn’t see her putting in the same amount of work/effort that I was. I remember thinking, if only she would be more aggressive in bed, or be more spontaneous and take the initiative. If only she would try to find ways to turn me on. The “if-only” kept coming up until I finally hit the truth. If only she was a man.

8. My husband said that I didn’t want to have sex enough so he turned to men. Is that true?

This is another “if-only” excuse. Quantity is sometimes used as a coping strategy to keep a guy’s mind off of sex. He figures if he keeps himself sexually satiated he won’t think about sex and won’t be driven to have sex with men. He figures it’s her job to keep his sexual energy drained and that way he won’t fantasize about guys or desire to have sex with them. But I learned that staying sexually drained might keep my mind off of sex temporarily, but it still wasn’t going to get me what I needed to be happy.

9. My husband says he is bisexual. Does that mean he can stay happy with me without having sex with a man?

For the most part, bisexuality among adult men tends to be a transitional state. When you look at the statistics by age group, those who identify themselves as being bisexual tend to be in late adolescent years or early 20’s. As we humans sexually experiment and learn about ourselves, we tend to change our ‘bisexual’ self-identity to that of heterosexual or homosexual. By the time we are in mid-life, the number of people identifying as bisexual drops dramatically. In my own case, I identified as being bisexual for several years because I loved my wife and was sexually active with her, but at the same time I was sexually attracted to men though I had no interest in a love relationship with a man. So I didn’t seem to fit in either the heterosexual column or the homosexual column. But as I learned more about me and experimented with men physically and emotionally, it became clear that I was predominately sexually and emotionally attracted to men. I had been subconsciously trying to avoid emotional bonds with men because I instinctively knew that it would be a life altering experience that would threaten my self-concept and my marriage. I could have sex with men but as long as I didn’t love them, I wasn’t gay. Inevitably however, I met a man who I fell deeply in love with. I had an emotional response that I had never known existed. Limerence, that feeling of deep love that has an obsessive-compulsive quality to it, is something I never knew existed. I had never experienced it in my life until he came along. The feelings were so deep and overwhelming that it instantly destroyed any self-concept of bisexuality. I wasn’t caught in the in-between world of loving a woman and yet being physically drawn to men. I was fully engulfed in physical and emotional desire for another man. I couldn’t possibly be any more gay – not by any stretch of the definition.

10. Now that my husband has found his new life, why does he treat me like an enemy?

As I pointed out earlier, these mixed-orientation marriages tend to be extremely close. It is easy to walk away from someone with whom we have fallen out of love. Leaving someone you love feels like pulling live flesh from your body. It’s very common for the husband and/or the wife to assign blame to each other and treat each other badly as a means of making it easier to let go. Also, he has been struggling with his sexuality for a long time. There has been an internal war going on and an identity crisis. Eventually he hates the situation he is in and it doesn’t seem that he will ever be able to be happy and fulfilled because for most of his life he stifled his own needs to maintain his dysfunctional marriage. But eventually the disdain he has for the marriage becomes personified and he begins to see his wife as a block in his path to self-actualization and happiness. Subconsciously he begins to feel as if his wife is the warden and he’s a prisoner. When it reaches that point, any attempt at showing him love is rebuffed. The experience has taught me that people can love us but if that love is not coming from someone we love, it doesn’t feel like love at all. It feels like we are being stalked.
But it need not go from a love relationship to a hate relationship. Many couples find ways to stay friends and co-parent their children. My advice is to not wait until you both become bitter and cynical. Have the courage and grace to admit that the marriage cannot work. Have the caring and love to let go and help each other find someone else who can give them the love you cannot give each other. Hold onto the good memories and hold onto the respect for each other. But let go of the impossible marriage. You are doing no favors to yourselves or to your spouse or children in clinging to a marriage that is dysfunctional and failing.
But know that this situation was not caused by the wife. It didn’t happen because you weren’t sexy enough or you weren’t aggressive enough. It happened because he is gay and despite all the years of war within himself, he cannot change it no matter how much he loves you or how much you love him.

11. My husband tells me that he is gay because he was sexually molested when he was younger. He claims this is a learned behavior that he can un-learn with therapy and support. Is this true?

This is the favorite fodder for anti-gay religious groups such as the Family Research Council or NARTH. These organizations tout statistical studies that report that gay men are more likely to have been molested by adult males as children, and therefore jump to the conclusion that childhood sexual experience with a male causes homosexuality. It begs the question: Is heterosexuality caused by sexual molestation by someone of the opposite sex??

But seriously, the statistics they cite are erroneous or taken out of context. It is true that gay men are more likely to report sexual experiences with adults when they were under the age of 16, but in the majority of those cases (one study reports it as 68%), they had already self-identified as being gay before the molestation had occurred. A closer look at those suspect statistics reveals definitions that become problematic. A boy of 15 who had a sexual experience with a boy of 18 would have fallen within the definitions of having been molested. But most of us would not view sex between a 15-year-old and 18-year-old as a predator molestation.
This is what the American Psychological Association has to say about it in May, 2000:
"No specific psychosocial or family dynamic cause for homosexuality has been identified, including histories of childhood sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse does not appear to be more prevalent in children who grow up to identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, than in children who identify as heterosexual."

The national Organization on Male Sexual Victimization stated in 2004:
"While there are different theories about how sexual orientation develops, experts in the human sexuality field do not believe that premature sexual experiences play a significant role in late adolescent or adult sexual orientation.”

Sexual abuse can interfere with a person’s sexual enjoyment and may even contribute to a condition referred to as Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in which a person keeps checking to reassure himself that he’s not gay. But childhood sexual abuse does not create a person’s deepest passions, attractions and desires.

12. What do you suggest about telling the children?

I think the answer to that depends on the age of the children. Generally speaking, kids don’t want to hear about anything sexual associated with their parents. It conjures up images of what Mom or Dad does between the sheets. There’s a strong “yuck” factor to it. Husbands and wives divorce every day but they don’t usually share their bedroom disappointments with their children. That being said, if Dad has found a male partner, or if other situations arise that make it necessary to have that conversation with the kids, I believe it should be couched in terms of affection and love rather than complicated and ambiguous labels. Children understand love and affection. But terms such as ‘sexual orientation’ are generally beyond their level of comprehension. Unless they are in their late teens, anything about their parents that includes the word ‘sexual’ is toxic. Wherever possible, the child should be given support he/she is going to need to cope with the knowledge that they have a gay parent. If a child shares that information with friends, they can quickly become the target of mean-spirited taunts. I urge parents to work with a therapist or family counselors in discussing it with kids and I recommend they also have a conversation with the school counselor so the kids have someone supportive they can turn to at school.
Doug

Thank you, Doug, for sharing this information with us.

Mailbag
In keeping with my theme of men for the month, the letter below comes from a straight man, Jim. He would like to share his thoughts with you.

Bonnie,
I just read your May newsletter and I continue to be dismayed at the reaction of many of your readers to the discovery of a gay spouse. It seems to me that there is some “social dynamic” at work that makes women feel almost responsible for a husband’s gayness. It’s as if they feel that they have somehow “caused” it. Yet much of what I have read in your newsletters indicates that gayness was brought to the marriage, not that the marriage caused a spouse to “become gay”. The only “fault” is that the offended spouse was, for one reason or another, unable (or perhaps unwilling, but I am inclined to believe “unable”) to recognize the signs. George Bernard Shaw once observed that most men will choose a spouse in a light so dim that they would not consider buying a suit in it, much less choose a life partner. Perhaps the same is true of women! But allowing one’s self-esteem to be a function of the deceit practiced by another is a serious and dangerous mistake. The fact that society has made hiding gayness is, I’m sure, a factor in the deceit. But to take upon oneself the burden of a societal error is not a proper response.

It’s understandable that emotions run high when one is talking about what was presumed to be a lifetime commitment and children are involved. Even straight couples who divorce face trauma and feelings of guilt. I did when I first divorced. However, a marriage relationship is a two-way street. Each party brings “baggage” to the relationship and that baggage should be inspected before committing to sharing a life. Both parties have a responsibility to the relationship and if one is deceitful while the other is not, it seems to me that the burden of low self-esteem is really, or should be, with the deceiving party. We are deceived daily by news media, politicians, marketers, professional colleagues, etc.

Spousal deceit, while much more personal, is not objectively different. Any man who is attracted to pictures of other naked men has “baggage” that needs to examined. If I want to see a naked man, I can look in the mirror! If the desire of a man to see pictures of other naked men cannot be examined, and in most cases it cannot, we should not chalk up a discovery of that desire to our own failings and punish ourselves for not having seen signs that were hidden to begin with. Life is little more than a series of choices and not all of our choices result in positive outcomes.

If one of the parties to a relationship deliberately chooses to not reveal something important to the relationship, it is not reasonable for the other party to bear the burden of that choice. Simply stated, we can’t always be right! But we can always be FAIR to ourselves. We certainly should not have to bear the burdens of some other person’s choices. And we should not build our own lives around them. Forgiving oneself for a mistake is essential to moving on in life. And it is most unfair to expect our children to carry the burden of the choices of their adult parents. They have enough to worry about in their own lives!
Jim

JULY WORKSHOPS BY MY CO-THERAPIST MISTI LYNN HALL
July will be a very busy month. I will be offering a Saturday Seminar, a weekday Seminar and a Workshop! Please see the descriptions below.

Saturday Seminar: Spirituality and Healing

Being married to a gay man dissolved my Spirit and caused hurt and pain to the depths of my Soul. I was walking around in an empty shell. Hollow on the inside. My Spirit was depleted and my Soul was wounded. I had no motivation, no purpose or meaning in my life. I was barely existing. Then I discovered the importance of rebuilding myself Spiritually. Finding things that fed my SPIRIT healed me on a Soul level. On Saturday, July 10, I will share with you the things that fed my Spirit and motivated me to start the quest of living an extraordinary life. You can expect this seminar to be a mixture of lecture, guided activities, discussion (question and answer session) and a downloadable journal/workbook on Spirit Center Discovery. This topic of Spirituality has nothing to do with a specific religion. This type of Spirituality will focus on how to refill your SPIRIT and allow that zest for life to flow back to you. This life is precious. You deserve to live it fully and completely. Join in on this live Saturday Seminar Telecourse via your telephone from the comforts and privacy of your own home.

What: July Saturday Seminar Telecourse
When: July 10, 2010 at 1:00-3:00 PM Eastern Standard Time Zone
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the Spirit Centered Discovery journal/workbook. Arrangements can be made to mail the packet if you do not have a printer.

Self-Esteem Seminar

I recently facilitated a Saturday Seminar on Self-Esteem. It was tremendously successful. I have gotten so much positive feedback and so many requests from Straight Wives that I will be offering a repeat of this seminar on a weeknight.

Often times Straight Wives have little to no Self-Esteem. Knowing that your spouse is Gay can be very damaging to your Self-Esteem. There are many things that can lead to low self-esteem. For starters, our culture already promotes the essence of a woman to be unrealistic by expecting us to be Wonder Woman. On top of that, add a Gay spouse to the stress and it spells for disaster in the Self-Esteem department. The years of being in a Gay/Straight marriage can be devastating. Little chunks of Self-Esteem are removed bit by bit, piece by piece.

Improving Self-Esteem is crucial for Straight Wives to heal. It can be repaired. It takes work, knowledge, time and effort to repair broken Self-Esteem. Join in on this Seminar to learn how to start the repair process. You can expect this Seminar to be a mixture of lecture, discussion (question and answer session), activities to help rebuild your Self-Esteem and a downloadable Self-Esteem journal.

If your Self-Esteem has been damaged due to being in a Gay/Straight marriage, join us for the Seminar. Regardless of where you are in your journey, this Self-Esteem Seminar should be helpful for you.

What: Seminar/Telecourse
When: July 21, 2010 (Wednesday) at 8:30-10:30 PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Seminar/Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the Self-Esteem journal. Arrangements can be made to mail the Self-Esteem journal if you do not have a printer.

Workshop: Rediscovering YOURSELF!
I am happy to announce that I have a brand new Workshop scheduled for July. This workshop is all about rediscovering yourself...redefining yourself...and becoming the new YOU. By participating in this workshop, you can expect to find where you are stuck in your grief process, identify your obstacles and learn how to remove those obstacles. The workshop will also be full of tips, guided activities, ideas and individualized suggestions on how to move forward.

If you are Straight Wife, you know how difficult it is to redefine yourself after a gay/straight marriage. Often times we wonder around feeling lost and stuck in our past. Our past has a tendency to haunt our present and future. Don't let your past define you. Realize that you deserve to have hopes and dreams. Join in on this 4 week workshop and allow this to be a time for new possibilities and new discoveries about yourself.

We will meet for 4 consecutive Mondays. The workshop will begin on July 25 and go through August 16, 2010. We will connect with each other via a conference line from 8:30-10:00PM on each Monday during the workshop.
What: 4 weeks of online/telephone workshop for Straight Spouses
Starts: July 26, 2010 @ 8:30-10:00 PM Eastern Standard Time Zone and it will meet 4 consecutive Mondays.
Cost: $150.00
Supplies Needed: Access to a telephone and to email.
Includes: Email support from the facilitator, Misti Hall, M.S.


For more information and/or to reserve your spot in any of the upcoming events contact MistiLynnHall@aol.com. The Seminars and Workshops are very easy and convenient to participate in from the privacy of your own home. The only essential equipment you need is a phone that will call a long distance number. Please note that your privacy is respected. You can register under an anonymous name.
To all of the wonderful men, gay and straight, who are part of this support network, Happy Father’s Day to you. To any women who have husbands who are struggling with the truth, hopefully you can share this newsletter with them in hopes that they will do the right thing someday soon.
With Love and Hope,

Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.

JULY NEWSLETTER 2009

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
July 2009 Volume 8, Issue 97
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other

Please visit my website to view and purchases my books at www.BonnieKayeBooks.com. Your sales help support the website and monthly newsletter.

IN RESPONSE TO THE FATHER’S DAY JUNE ISSUE

Last month, I published my first newsletter featuring letters only from some of our gay men who support our efforts. I asked them to contribute insight that would help women understand the demons they faced that contributed to their living double lives until they came to terms with themselves.

I wanted to do this because when women experience this myriad of confusion, hearing how this happens can sometimes give us understanding that can lead to our healing. It wasn’t intended to make you feel better about your situation, but rather more aware of what some men go through in their own struggles.

I had a large response to this newsletter with various points of view, some of which with their permission I have reprinted to share with you. Some women really appreciated reading the words of these men because it gave them a better understanding of how their husbands were thinking. But others were angry because they felt the men were trying to “justify” their behavior. I viewed it not as a “justification,” but rather as an “explanation.” I am a very understanding woman whose heart hurts for men going through this nightmare. However, that being said, I will never justify the misbehavior of their cheating on their wives emotionally or sexually during the marriage.

I’ve said this numerous times before. Homosexuality is not about “infidelity”—it’s about “sexuality.” It’s about a man posing to be a straight man and living in a straight world while being a homosexual man and making his wife feel inadequate because she is a woman. Here are some points that I want to reiterate.

1. Nothing makes me feel angrier than when gay men tell their wives, “It takes two to make a marriage fail.” No, it takes one—one gay man living in a marriage to a straight woman where he doesn’t belong. That’s a fact—not an opinion. No matter how “nice” some of these guys can be, they aren’t into you because you are a woman. They may cuddle with you, hug you, even perform sex with you, and love you on some level, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want a man to have sex with over making love with you. No woman should have to feel that she has to compete with a man for a man’s love. First, she can’t compete; second, she can’t compete. I thought I would restate that for you in case you didn’t hear me loud enough the first time!

2. Most married gay men look for reasons to blame their wives for their unhappiness. Although the wife is the cause of the unhappiness, it’s not because she’s a wife—it’s because she’s a woman. They try criticizing, controlling, and micro-managing the marriage to make you think that what’s wrong is your fault, but that’s because they are miserable living within their own lies. Rather than accept responsibility, it’s so much easier to blame you for their unhappiness. How many of our women tell me the same thing my ex-husband used to tell me—he felt “trapped.” I used to feel like an ogre expecting my husband to do what a husband should do—want to spend time building a life with me and making love with me. Yep, that was trapping him, right? There is only so much belittling that women can take before they start to believe there is something wrong with them—and so they stop asking and stop expecting. This creates a loss of self-esteem and sexual esteem. No man should be allowed to do that to a woman on a continuous basis, year in and year out. Who is really “trapped” here? The man is leading his life “outside” the marriage while the woman is truly trapped by her own insecurities and feelings of failure.

3. There are no easy ways to end a marriage. If I hear one more man tell his wife to “get over it” because she’s had six weeks or six months to come to terms with it, I’ll get really angry. A man has his whole life to deal with who he is. He spends years in denial and living a double life because he can’t accept who he is. So now that he has come to terms with himself, we’re supposed to move at the speed of light to just accept that everything we thought we had in our marriage is now gone. Guys, give me a break. It took you years to accept you—don’t expect us to “get over it” in record time so you can enjoy your new life. It isn’t going to work that way. So many of our women still love their husbands when they lose them. They have spent years loving these men. Even when they know the marriage has to end, it doesn’t mean they can turn on and off the love.

4. What hurts so much is the betrayal. I think that if a husband was honest with his wife before he acted on his homosexuality, she could deal with the situation so much better. But in almost all cases, men (even the nicest ones) are out there playing while they are married. I have heard from hundreds of members of this support network who have STD’s brought home to them by their unfaithful husbands who had no consideration about infecting their wives. As I always say, no man has a choice in being gay—but he does have a choice in being honest. The honesty should come before the husband decides to go out there and do his thing. That would be the right thing to do.

So guys, if I hurt your feelings, I’m sorry. But you know me—I have to say it as I see it and have seen it for nearly 30 years. But I’m always happy to listen and share, so continue to send in your letters and I’ll continue to share them with our women in hopes of creating a better awareness and understanding.
Here are some letters from the last two months:

Dear Bonnie,

7 months ago, I sent you this:

"Dear Bonnie, my new good friend:

Please, please add me to your newsletter at this address, and let me know how I can get your book, "Straight Wives, Shatter Lives." This is so how I feel.

My 52nd birthday was October 29th. A few minutes past midnight on the 30th, my entire world was rocked by concrete proof of my husband's infidelity, and life "in the closet." He inadvertently left his email open, and I got the shock of my life. I printed out several of his emails (I had the presence of mind to realize I might need proof); I also figured out his password, since he uses the same one for everything. Funny enough, he has yelled at me because I vary passwords; he told me to keep the same one. Little did he know that that would provide me easy access; also ammunition, in case I have to take him to court. I don't like this hard side of me; it's almost as unknown as the man I found in those emails. He's been doing this for a year. How could I not have known?

I found emails setting up "dates" -- when he should have been looking for a second job. I work about 50 (sometimes, up to 80 hours) a week. He's been complaining about "doing everything", while playing with other men. I found pictures he's sent to other men "displaying his wares" -- I wouldn't brag if I were him. But, apparently, he's had takers.

I have been married for 24 years, with him for 31. I feel so betrayed and angry, frightened to death of the future, in mourning for my future life I envisioned -- I burst into tears without warning, am hanging on only with the support of my friends and my children, who, interestingly enough, have told me for years that "you know, Daddy's gay." Their friends (and some of mine) have said to me since this "you have such great 'gay-dar': how have you missed it?" I honestly had no idea. I feel like the biggest fool.

I look back over 31 years, and think that there were warning signs I missed -- I thought the worst thing to happen to me was incest as a child, then teenager. I was wrong. That was a walk on the beach compared to the misery that my marriage has become, more increasingly over the past 10+ years. I have wracked my brain and my soul over these years, trying to figure out why I am so miserable a failure as a wife, why I can't do anything right, walking on constant eggshells, afraid to "upset" him. This sets him off in a verbally denigrating, berating diatribe of my failures; he's blamed me for everything from the condition of the house to the "turning against him" of our children. Thankfully, our children are now 18 and 20, so custody issues are nonexistent.

He is extremely self-righteous about attending Mass -- interestingly enough, he apparently has hidden his sexual proclivities from everyone. I am harboring feelings of vengeance; I want to out him to the congregation: my Scorpio is hard to override in this.

I am in the process of obtaining a formal separation agreement from my lawyer (also one of my friends), and I want to be able to have all of the facts at my disposal before I sit him down. It won't be pretty. He will probably blame me, as always, and become vindictive. It is killing me to make him leave, but I see no way of salvaging this relationship. By entertaining men, he has also given me HSV 1 and 2, and that is unforgiveable. My children have told me "you deserve someone who will treat you right", so I know they are very supportive.

I do have outside interests -- my community theater involvement is my passion. He directly blames my involvement in this as a reason for our relationship to suffer "your theater has come between us". It is my relationship with my theater friends that is saving my life. I also have a good career as a nurse manager that has provided me a support network at work as well.

Thank you, thank you for being here. For the first time since I discovered the horror that my marriage and life has become, I am starting to feel hopeful about an "after life." I still feel that my chances for a romantic afterlife are just about nil.

I apologize for the length of this -- but I am so grateful that I am not alone. Bless you.
Sincerely, Theresa"

June 14, 2009
That was November 15, 2008. Hard to believe it's been 7 months since that letter -- so much in my life has changed. I'm writing back to you to let you know how GOOD life is now. If you want to share any of this in your newsletter, by all means, please do -- maybe it will help other wives of gay men.

As you know, I found out October 30th. All the details are above; I kept my secret through Thanksgiving (fortunately, it was a small dinner). I made it through Christmas (I had a hysterectomy on December 18th -- my children were with me, and my mother came to help out and stayed almost to the New Year. This helped, since they all knew the truth (how we all kept it a secret, I really don't know!) Christmas was awful as was New Year's Eve (I went out with friends, since he had to work -- a small blessing).

Every time I looked at him, all I could think of was, "You lying bastard. How can you go on like you're so innocent? Don't you feel any guilt? You son of a bitch!" It took all the strength I had not to tell him right out. I was working on my separation and property settlement agreement, and I wanted to have all of my pieces in place before I confronted him. For three months, I kept my silence. At times, I thought it would kill me. Every breath I took was painful – I had panic attacks at night, waking up gasping. He slept blissfully through it all. The first month I was devastated, the second angry and the third putting the final touches on my planning. I had to be so careful; losing his income had to be taken into account seriously; our daughter (age 18) was still living at home and in school. I had to consider more than myself; unlike my husband, who was willing to throw it all away.

Finally, finally, on February 1, 2009 at 2 pm, I walked in my front door and said "We need to talk". He snidely said "about what?" I told him to join me at the table by the door (he had been escalating in his anger, and I wasn't sure how he would react). I said "I know what you've been doing and I want a divorce." He then said, "I do, too." My reply? "Then let's talk business." I had the separation agreement in my hand all ready to sign (if he would; my best friend is a notary, and was waiting down the street with her stamp, just in case he agreed to sign the papers.) When I confronted him about his being "gay" -- I asked him if he knew he was gay when he married me and he said no. He also waffled over being "gay" -- "I guess I am". He also said to me, "I guess you've been screwing around" -- I told him "actually, I haven't. I've been faithful for 31 years; but apparently you haven't. Get yourself tested -- you gave me herpes." His response, "Oh." Oh, indeed. When I asked him whatever made him think that cheating on me was ok, he said "I wasn't getting it from you." Us women know that sex, for us, begins in the mind, by the way we're treated and made to feel, long before the actual physical act begins; he was clueless. For him "it was just sex; us men can do that." I told him, "So can women, but I honored my vows." He also told me that "I don't have any guilt about what I've been doing - you deserve everything you got" -- I was incredulous -- "including herpes?!" "Yeah, everything." I looked at him and, in that moment, knew why women killed their husbands. Fortunately, I had already decided that I was worth 100 of him and he wasn't worth the trouble.

By 2:06, I called my son's friend (who was down the street, ready to protect me; my son was out of state) and said, "no drama, we're reading the agreement." A short time later, all signed and notarized, we were legally separated. I couldn't believe it -- in the end, it was such a simple procedure! All of a sudden, I felt a HUGE burden lift from me, I took a deep breath and said "I'm free!" I left the house with friends and my daughter and went to celebrate, leaving him in the kitchen. Don’t get me wrong; I knew it was partially relief that it was out in the open, but after so many months of pain and fear, the relief was welcome.

We moved him out twelve days later (he was supposed to leave twenty days later, but he started ransacking the house every time I left, so I threw him out). It was ugly, hostile and nearly violent; it also removed any hope I had had of remaining friends or, at least, being civil to each other. Sadly, my children were with me. They knew, somehow, who he really was; I never saw it (or wouldn’t see it). As much as I was grateful for their support, it saddened me that they had to see the awful end to what had been so good long ago. My husband had been at odds with my son for years; my son told me that he kept his peace for me; my daughter has her own relationship with her father. So ended my former life. The same day he left, I had my son and his friends start to repaint my living room; with that beginning, "Project Refeathering My Nest" has been ongoing; I have been happily industrious and am enjoying the peace in my home and the freedom to rearrange and change my home to suit me and my daughter.

People keep telling me how good I look, how "radiant" and "have you lost weight?" I tell them "yes, I lost 250 lbs. of ugly attitude!" Life is different; sometimes a little harder. I kept the house, so now I've got all of the responsibilities to deal with alone. But I am so much happier now. Yes, I do miss being part of a couple and the husband I married so long ago. May 26th was my 25th wedding anniversary; I went on vacation with my children and celebrated my independence instead of my now defunct marriage. I am loving my freedom and the glory of being free from the critical, belittling and the overall mean and petty, angry man that my husband had become. I am free of the futile, numerous attempts I made to rekindle our intimacy, thinking that if I was better, more open, more accommodating, that he would be more loving and accepting of me. I'm free of the constant battle of trying to bury my needs and trying to fulfill his. Free of never, ever, being "good enough". When I found out about my husband, I was thinking "maybe I can live with this; maybe we can live as friends, maybe ..." I was trying so hard to live with his lie. But, thankfully, I had such wonderful people to support me, as I finally, painfully, decided to end my marriage. But it was the right decision -- of that, I have no doubt.

I’ve read letters from gay men on this website; I’ve read about their pain and uncertainty and all of the rest. Part of me wants to be sympathetic; perhaps I would have been, had I not been lied to and treated so shabbily. Had my husband been truly “a man” and sat me down, truly talked with me and not blamed me for “pushing him” into affairs with men, maybe I wouldn’t have been so shattered when I found out. For all my “failings,” I deserved (as we all do) much more than finding out from email. I’ve wished him dead more than once; the closure would have been much easier and the memories of the good years would have remained untainted. Now, almost every memory of my life with him is shadowed by “when did it start?” “Why didn’t I see the signs?”

This is my advice to anyone still living with this nightmare. Be fair to yourself! Go on those gay/bisexual websites and read those emails. These men are selfish, egocentric and arrogant -- they may not be totally happy with their situation, but they're satisfied to get their needs taken care of, whine about being unhappily married but enjoy all the rest of what "normal" married life is like. They rationalize their behavior to assure themselves that they're OK -- that they're not hurting anyone, that they're still "good husbands", so they have the "right" to do what they're doing. My husband complained constantly, but enjoyed my income. Get out of that hell and go on with your life. Take back the "real you"; not the "married you" you've become so that you can "keep him happy"; "keep the peace", etc. You'll NEVER make him happy! He doesn't want you, but he's too cowardly and self-serving to let you go. He doesn't even care if he brings home an STD and passes it to you -- I'm so angry that I was faithful for over 30 years and STILL got herpes. Their world is a sex-focused, self-serving, man-to-man "bonding" subculture of society that exists. These men are a slow-acting poison, making any relationship with them toxic; they're like leeches draining the life out of the women unfortunate enough to be married to them. They build themselves up, while ruining the very women they vowed "to love, honor and cherish". Cherish? Like hell. Too harsh an indictment? I don't think so.

Bonnie, thank you so much for all that you do. I never thought I would survive the upheaval and pain, but I did. I never thought life could be so good, but it is. I never knew how strong I was until I freed myself from the imprisoning life sentence my marriage had become. Now, I'm even ready to go out and date again, make new friends and maybe find someone who'll appreciate the person I've become. Thank you, thank you for validating the strong, resourceful, valuable "me" that still remained deep inside; I'm joyous to be back, whole, powerful. To my sisters: there truly is a wonderful life waiting for you; it'll be better, because, just being yourself, you will be "enough."

Theresa

Dear Bonnie,
“There is a certain prototype that gay men look for in a wife when there may be problems down the road. That’s why you rarely see a straight wife seeking total revenge on her gay husband. In some cases, it does happen, but for the most part, we are women who love too much, too hard, feel too bad about our husbands’ pain, feel guilty even when our head tells us it has nothing to do with us, and continue to want to protect our husbands even when they are out there and not protecting us. “
Ladies when I read Bonnie’s May newsletter I did not know whether to laugh, scream, or cry so I did all of the above. You see what she said in that quote was so true,. And yes, Gay, it is Gay.

I joined this group two years ago when a man I was madly in love with told me over dinner how he wasn’t gay but his boyfriends are. He was serious! I wish I could have used that line Gay, it is gay to explain to him that when you sleep with men you have won the homosexual Triple Crown. He could not understand why this was not welcome news and why I wanted him out of my life immediately. That lead to the second phase of shock and awe on my part.

The icing on the cake is I went on line to meet someone three months ago after a few years of being shell shock and leery as you can imagine. The site was recommended by a family-oriented morning show and hosts I trust.

The gentleman picked me and we clicked instantly. I corresponded with him for about a month and then had wonderful telephone calls. I could never arrange my schedule to meet him but I finally planned for the Memorial Day weekend to be the time.
Then he dropped the “G” nuclear bomb the night before I was supposed to meet him in person. First he asked if I had ever been with a woman, At that point my radar kicked in because the one two years ago accused me of being gay when I suggested one night after dinner that we go to a “gay” area for coffee. Hell, neither of us had a car and it was the only place Metro accessible. I asked him if he was gay in return and he acted as if I asked him if he ate his young.

Back to the future, Internet lover then said he slept with men! I gave him points for honesty but the room rocked.

I did not handle it well with the first gentleman two years ago—I cursed him vigorously for about half a mile as we walked home from the restaurant.
Obviously the professional counseling degree and church reconciliation classes are kicking in. I told him I was not going to judge him for what he did in the past because it was not my right. I decided to try to talk him down from the heterosexual ledge and encourage him to embrace his true sexuality like I did with the first one.
He is from a culture where this is taboo and anathema. His mother is in town from overseas and I began to think I was in an Indian version of “The Wedding Banquet,” the film where the gay man marries a woman to avoid telling his parents he is gay. As if parents don’t have eyes to see and ears to hear. Momma probably knows.
In any event, he retracted it later and said he only said it because he wanted to see if I would sleep with him if he said he slept with other men. I suppose he forgot that he had also asked me if I would be interested in a ménage a trios with another man. Ladies, this is not what I call courtship behavior of a straight man!

Gay is not an aphrodisiac for straight women.
It was late at night and he works on Wall Street, so he must have been at happy hour too long and short term memory was impaired. Mine wasn’t. I remembered what he said. Counseling classes teach you to attend. Okay, this is denial taken to a dangerously deep level!

On a positive note, I can see how this group and the support of others have helped me. I am not devastated as I was before and I did not lose my religion by calling him out of his family name. I simply said Adios
I was trying to figure out what I did to attract another one of these mentally disassociated people when this Newsletter came in the mail.
So thank you Bonnie. I see that I am a woman who is too kind, too compassionate, too loving, and too forgiving. In other words, they seek the best women for the worst treatment.

Oh, and guess what internet guy. You are gay, it’s gay!
Anon.

Hi Bonnie,

Your June newsletter somehow seemed rather sugar coated to me.

Most of us did not have these experiences, and I believe some of these men are skipping over a very important part of "their process"--like the truth. The man who had sex with many men before he married his wife -- did he inform her of this before the marriage or did this part of the truth not seem important to him? Did he even consider that she deserved that "little bit of truth"? No. He just married her to fit in. She never had the chance to choose whether she wanted to marry a man who liked having sex with men. It was his decision to lead her blindly into this "marriage." I have no sympathy for him.

Also, I feel many of these men are skipping over the cheating during the marriage. I think they see it as "being true to themselves" and not as cheating on their wives, not to mention that they potentially exposed their wives to life threatening sexual transmitted diseases.
Sorry, I just found it really hard to read these sugar coated stories. Too much of the woman's pain was ignored. But, too many times, that is par for the course as far as they are concerned. It's all about the poor gay man, while the wife is left to pick up the pieces of her life.

And so it goes...

J.
Dear Bonnie,
I read this month’s letter but what about the women like me who were tricked by a man into a gay marriage in which he knew exactly who he was and what kind of a life I was in for? My husband withdrew all sex and affection beginning on the honeymoon and had a regular sex life with men throughout the marriage. He used me as a beard and to improve his standard of living there was no love on his side it was a con job. I was wife number five. He spent the whole marriage trying to convince me that the life we led of no sex or affection was normal, that I was unworthy of love and it was unreasonable of me to expect him to want to have sex with me or show me affection since I was such a bad person. Once when I asked him about his refusal to have a normal relationship with me he said that if I gave him complete access to all of my money he might feel like having sex with me. This man nearly destroyed me. I would like to hear more abut this kind of predator.
Thanks
Marilyn

Dear Bonnie,
I had thought I was dealing with what happened to me, until I read the self justification of gay husbands in your June newsletter.

I truly believe that no one has a choice about whether they are gay - that this is somehow built in and cannot be changed or altered. But everyone does have a choice about how they live their lives, and the same standards of decency and honesty apply to gays as well as straights. No one has a right to harm others and then whine about how they can't help it. No one has the right to cheat and lie and steal years of a woman's life, then wring his hands and whimper about his pain. Was your pain great enough to make you change your life? MINE WAS!

Kay A.

BTW, Kay lives in Sioux City, South Dakota. If there are any other women in this area who would like to get together for support, please let me know and I’ll refer you to Kay.

Bonnie,
That was very interesting, but somewhat hard to read. It is only hard because I still don't know if my husband is in denial or not. I am weighing my options anyway because he is not good at loving me and the girls in the way we need (because sometimes I feel like he uses our marriage problems to be less of a dad at times...like when he's out of town for work and doesn't call for days or weeks or is unaccountable by not answering our calls...he has told me he doesn't want to call because he doesn't want to talk to me...this is just stuff from the past....he's been around a lot and better at this when he has been away, yet his job is ready to take him away a lot again).

So I am planning. I have finally come to a point that I’ve realized my love is not enough for both of us. (oh, he says he loves me and shows it in his own ways...yet at the same time he is so hurtful and negative about me....). maybe it helps that i had to do the same with my mom a few years back because she is a lot like him....cares more about being right than anything else. He has so much anger, i don't know where it comes from.

I still don't feel like there is any excuse to lie. I feel like even if a man has lied 399 times, then start telling the truth the 400th time. The past lies don't make it okay the next time. The man can never start to gain respect from his wife and children unless he starts somewhere. I’m not saying it would be easy at first and I wouldn’t react or get cold toward him. But the sooner he told the truth, the sooner I could go through the cycles of loss and just get to a better place. Right now i just have intense loneliness. I know things are not right. My heart aches....he has hurt me so many times worse than any break up I’ve ever had in my dating years. This is the father of my children and his lack of love and intimacy and acceptance hurts me to the core. Sometimes I have wailed (how else can I say it...it is a cry of agony that comes from pain so deep inside...a mother's cry for a child lost or in trouble)...all alone because his actions and words are so heartless and just break me down (and I cry for my children, their father that I chose, me...their
mother, and this family. This hurts way worse because of my desires and hopes for my girls...and I feel like he's cheating them when he cheats me.)

This hurt is also from the lack of support he gives me as a person....I don't want only the financial; I want him to want to take care of me as a man could. Believe me it's the last thing I want to hear that he's gay. But this little feeling I always get that he might be is so much more painful. If I knew this were the reason he isn't loving and intimate towards me in the way I know exists....then it would give a reason for everything. It's not what I want...but it's just like someone avoiding going to the doctor's when they know they are dying...they can feel it and/or they can see the signs, yet it doesn't change that they need to face it. They can't stop themselves from dying by denying it's happening.

I am making plans to put myself first so I can show my girls how strong I am and how much I love them and that being a woman doesn't have to be demeaning....not because he's told me the truth, but because I have just hit that point where he can't do this to me anymore. I don't want our girls to think of me as I am in this relationship. I’m tired of being labeled as if I’m one with him....like I’m just as sick and hateful....like I just "love fighting" as he puts it. I feel darned if I do and darned if I don't with him. I’ve reached the point I’m going to stop fighting for us...because it is useless. I’m done talking, and I’m done caring. I’m done trying to explain my feelings to him in millions of different ways in hopes of him "getting it."

I’m done initiating sex (it finally got past the begging stage...not sure if he's just doing that to pacify me.) I do love him as only a wife of this long could, but I’m realizing that it's okay to love him, and still put myself and therefore my girls first and just take care of us. I’ve tried to work on this marriage, it seemed to get better, but it really never will.

If he never tells me the truth and I find out some other way...which I will...the truth almost always comes out eventually....I don't think I could ever go through those cycles of loss and begin to find acceptance. Because I would always know that he was not a man to tell the truth to me and for the girls. I would know that, as usual, he put his own need to avoid personal pain or reactions from others over being man enough and caring enough to put us first. As one of your gay ex-husbands said in the letter....the only way to be a role model to his kids was to start being true to himself. The lies in the past will not be made right, yet he is being a person of honor from that day forward. And that would be a start.

And I know there's a possibility he may not be gay...he may just be a confused soul who is selfish and not good for me. It is not enough to have somebody love me only to pacify me. That is not what I have given, and I’m ready to open my heart up to friends and loved ones who are more like me. When my time is being eaten away by a user, I am passing by true love and friendship, the kind we all need to get us through and make the burdens of life a little more bearable!

I can never forgive him unless we start moving forward, someway...making changes....honesty...which i know i may never get...so I have to make my own life.

One more thing....I don't think he cares that I’ve had this pain...not one bit. He knows about the tip of the iceberg of the pain he's caused. And he makes it clear that I’m just playing the world's tiniest violin. He makes it impossible for me to ever even touch on just how I feel. I know that's defensiveness because of his shame and he has a hard time wanting to deal with how his actions have affected other people. which is funny how his actions always end up affecting me and the girls the hardest...yet he's always so busy worrying about his own self inflicted wounds.

Mother and human being with value."

Well ladies, thanks for sharing your feedback. Please feel free to respond to any of our letters or issues. If you would like to have your letter republished, I will contact you and you can sign it however you like.
Have a good month!

With love and hope,
Bonnie