Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
September 2009 Volume 8, Issue 99
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other
Please visit my website to view and purchases my books at www.BonnieKayeBooks.com. Your sales help support the website and monthly newsletter.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
Normally, I prefer not to focus on ME when I am talking to YOU. However, I would like to say a few words to my over 7,000 readers around the world who take the time to listen to what I share each month.
On September 26, I will turn 58. As I creep up through the age ladder aiming towards 60 in two years, I feel blessed that I had the strength to end the marriage to my gay husband many years ago so I could try to salvage the rest of my life and find peace of mind, happiness, and in my particular case, the love of a wonderful man who has become my lifeline. Because it is my birthday month, I would like to share some important thoughts with you.
Last week in our online support group, we were discussing the issue of “low self-esteem,” and how so many of us suffer from it. I explained to the group that I work every day to keep my self-esteem high because for so most of my life, it was so low. Self esteem is not an external issue—it’s an internal issue. For those of us who suffer from it—which are almost everyone reading this newsletter at some point or another, you know what a daily struggle it is to feel good about yourself. If you are living with a gay husband, it becomes that much more difficult because you feel the daily rejection and often ridicule in their effort to “control” the situation that is uncontrollable. Well, at least they try to control you since they can’t control themselves.
So, for all of you who are sitting there and shaking your heads in agreement, let me say these words to you. Self-esteem comes from conditioning. I know some of the most physically beautiful women who are brilliant, kind, and loving, but they have low self-esteem. They are doctors, nurses, politicians, actresses, company directors (and you know who you are when you read this) who feel just as inadequate as everyone else. You can look at them and say, “You’ve got to be kidding,” but I’m not. Their internal message system makes them feel the same as the rest of us who may not have been blessed with their physical or intellectual attributes. And yet I know women who will never be on a magazine cover and who may have jobs that are far from what most of us would consider high end, but yet they feel good about themselves because they have high self-esteem. Yep, I see this side of the equation as well. And I love seeing it too! It makes me realize that you can be Miss Average Jill and still feel like you are a true winner because you believe you are! That’s what high self-esteem does for women.
Because I have had a weight problem for 50 of my 58 years, I have suffered with self-esteem issues my whole life. From my teenage years when I “pudgy” to my adult years where I was just obese, I went through lots of horror stories in trying to feel “wanted” by a man who could love me for the way I was. When I married my gay husband 31 years ago, I was actually looking my best. I wasn’t overweight very much at that point—primarily because I had an eating disorder called bulimia. In my mid to late 20’s, that was my solution to my weight problem. I looked good and felt good about myself—better than I had in years—but that didn’t last long once those buttons of insecurity started being pushed in my marriage. My newly found self-esteem quickly went down the drain as my weight returned and the rejection set in.
So all these years later, I still struggle daily with my weight problem. I’ve accepted it is here with me to stay. I never stop working at it, but it’s just part of who I am. But guess what? If I’m concerned now it’s because of my health, not because of feeling bad about myself. Why? For the past 15 years and 8 months, I have been blessed to find a wonderful soulmate who hasn’t noticed that I put on that extra 60 pounds since we met. When I bemoan the fact of my weight, he just responds with things like, “More of you to love” or “You’re built for comfort!” This man makes me feel like I’m a movie star every time we are together. He makes me feel young and beautiful every time we are intimate, which is every week of the year. And we are no youngsters—trust me! But when we are together, we feel like we are in our 20’s. That is what I love so much about him. He makes me feel “internally” beautiful. He has built up my self-confidence instead of knocking it down. He inspires me and encourages me. No idea I have is ever too ridiculous or no requests are ever too “demanding” like it was when I had a gay husband. Because of his unconditional love for me, I have survived the worst tragedies in my life. It’s not all about HIM, it’s about me and him, and many times, he just focuses on me and what makes me happy. This is what a relationship is supposed to be.
What so many of you have is the “illusion” of a relationship because two people are living in the same place. But what you really find is two empty shells living there—both existing day to day. One is in a maze of confusion—the other is trapped in a lifetime of deception. Neither has the courage to say THIS IS NOT WORKING because fear and paralysis has set in. I always say every day you lose in these destructive marriages is a day you can never get back. Life is so precious and fragile. Ask me—I know. I lost both of my precious children in the past seven years. Life offers you no guarantees for sure.
This is why living with a man who is unable to love you for the woman you are is so destructive to YOU no matter what you look like or where you are in life. When I hear stories of women having to “beg” their husbands to have sex, it makes me ill. I remember those feelings of sexual rejection only too well. Nothing makes you feel less adequate than feeling like you are undesirable because a man won’t be honest with you about being gay. That is why I tell men I can always forgive them for being gay—that is not a choice. But it’s the deceit, the lies, and the manipulation to keep that secret going that makes me angry. No man has a right to rob his wife of what is hers—self-respect and self-worth. Men who continue to do this year in and year out are cowards of the worst type because they slowly peel away whatever self-esteem a woman has until she doubts her daily activities and sanity. I greatly appreciate our men who support us here who eventually do come to terms with themselves and do the right thing. I just wish all gay husbands could give their wives that gift.
So, I hope as my birthday gift some of you will do some heavy duty thinking about how wonderful your life could be if you allowed yourself to make that move and take your life back. If you need help or support, we have one great network here that will provide it for you. All you have to do is ask! You don’t have to do it alone.
MAILBAG:
Last month, we had two women who reached out to ask advice about dating and telling about the marriage to a gay husband and what to do with photographs with bad memories in the pictures. The responses were overwhelming, but all of them were important. Please feel free to always write and comment here.
Dear Bonnie,
I read your newsletter and am continually amazed at how we are a sisterhood with common stories. I filed for divorce August 3, 2007 and I got my final ruling August 6, 2009. I wanted to share my victory with all my sisters out there in the hopes that perhaps it will give some of them strength to keep going. It turned out there were 801 gay porn sites on the hard drive of the computer. He denied under oath knowing anything about how they got there. It was hard core evidence, with dates and times. He thought he had all this power because he had an attorney who promised him the world. He demanded half the house - even though my 85 year old mother, who lives with me, paid for 2/3 of the house when we combined households in 2000 because he was unemployed and my dad had Alzheimer’s. He demanded alimony for life because I earn more money as a teacher than he does as a Radio Shack employee and alimony pendente lite which is spousal support while going through the divorce. He demanded $55,000 rent for letting me remain in the house for the past two years. He was very concerned about getting the one item in the house that has some true value, an antique Persian carpet. He also demanded that I pay all his attorney fees. It should have been over in three months by Pennsylvania law and it should have been simple, if half the house was considered marital, it would have been equivalent to half his retirement account. His attorney had the power to drag it out for two years in order to accumulate enormous billable hours and he did that. He knew how to hurt me the deepest and so he did – by taking away the daughter I love with his lies, the grandson whom I have not seen since he was 8 months old and the fear of poverty. I was his victim for 29 years. But I hired a second attorney to intervene for my mother, doubled my attorney costs and fought back. I had no idea how the ruling was going to go but I refused to give him the power to break me. He thought he had the power because my daughter was his only witness. She is doing a residency as a doctor so having her come to court and testify that “my mother is crazy, my father is not gay” was supposed to make the judge give him everything he demanded. I watched him run up senseless legal fees that will completely empty his retirement account.
Our attorneys said very little in court. They didn’t have to. I married an engineer who earned a decent salary. I ended up with a pathetic creature with a 14 year addiction to gay pornography that took over his life, destroyed his career and his mind. The ruling went entirely in my favor. I get the house. He does not get alimony. He does not get alimony pendente lite. He does not get rent. He does not get anything in the house. He does not get his attorney fees paid for. He does have to pay me $4000 in cash for his share of the property taxes and his car insurance for the past two years. He also has to have an account set up in my name and transfer a hefty chunk of his retirement account into it. I don’t expect to get any money, he is a foreigner and he will probably leave the country to avoid having to pay me anything. But he ruined his life and he destroyed himself financially in his quest for revenge. He is 60 years old, earns $7.15 an hour and he blew all his retirement savings. He can contest it and he probably will but the end result will be the same. My advice to my sisters out there is to stand strong. I wanted my freedom to love again. Two days after the ruling I went on a cruise to Bermuda with my mother. It was rejuvenating and healing as well.
As for Julie’s question about what to do about photos, I packed all the photo albums in boxes and put them down in the basement after ripping up every single photo of him from 1990 on, the year when our marriage began to crumble because of his secret desires. Some day my kids might want to have them.
In response to Lil’s question about what to tell men in dating situations, I have approached dating as a research project. I talked to lots of recently married couples on the cruise ship and collected stories from them about how they met and I didn’t need to tell anyone that I had been married to a gay man. I wanted to learn more about remarriage in mid life. The basic consensus was that everyone has some kind of baggage. I think if a guy is turned off by it, then he is not the kind of man any of us need and that it is good to find that out sooner rather than later. We have a need for all the things we did not have in these doomed marriages…..respect, affection, emotional support, honesty, understanding, consideration, love and passion. We all deserve these things.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Take it one day at a time.
Dorothy
Dear Lil,
I read your letter with interest as I have been in a very similar position as you and can understand exactly what you are going through. My ex husband too was very nasty and unfair whilst going through the divorce. He had cheated on me with numerous men for years and I had found him out, yet he was the one being spiteful towards me. To this day I still do not understand what gave him the right to treat me that way. Like you at no point did I stop him seeing the kids even though I really wanted to sometimes. But believe it or not after seeing such a nasty side to him that I didn’t know existed everything has changed. He is now civil towards me and often quite chatty. A complete transformation! It is so much better for the kids sake, and mine too I might add!
Now to get back to your question about internet dating and telling the guys about your ex husband. This is what I have personally experienced. I have been internet dating on and off for over 2 years. Like you, at first I told the men before I met them about my ex. I think partly that was due to the fact that I had been cheated on and wanted to be sure I was honest and upfront from the start. This also allowed me to ask them why they had split from their ex wives. I wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with someone who had cheated on their spouse. Most didn’t seem to be bothered by it. Now though I don’t tell them until I meet them. But I do think it’s important from the outset to let them know as it has shaped my life as I was with my ex for 15 years. My past experiences with my husband also affect how I am today. I have met quite a few men from the internet and most I reject after one date. I went through a phase of looking for the perfect guy and felt I would know as soon as I first met him that he was the one! I have now come to the conclusion that I will never be sure straight away and trust and communication take time to develop.
Internet dating is very difficult please be careful. It is very flattering to have such a lot of attention from men once you join an internet site. Remember there are guys out there who just pray on vulnerable women. I have met my fair share! It takes time and experience on these sites to sift through the authentic single guys who are normal. But when you find the right guy I believe it’s important to be honest from the outset when you meet. If they do not wish to continue to see you then they are not worth your time anyway.
Best of luck
Joanne
P.S I have met someone recently. Although it’s still in the early stages I think he may be the one I have been looking for, only time will tell. Internet dating is definitely worth the effort. How else can busy mums meet single guys?
Hi Bonnie,
In response to your question posed in this newsletter, I'm a firm believer in laying it on the table from the get go. As I have small children, it's always a red flag that I'm divorced when I meet men and so I start with the truth. In my experience, I have found that the circumstances and the story matter less than how you have come through the story. Nobody wants to get involved with someone who is angry, bitter or victimized by their past circumstances, regardless of what they are. The feedback I have received as I've started dating is that the men have all been so impressed with how I have handled my situation and although the story is big and hurtful, I've emerged stronger, more compassionate and wiser as a result. My most profound wish is that every one of your readers can find their way there and no one feels like they have to keep their ex's secrets any longer.
Peace and love,
Carrie
Hi Bonnie,
I know that I have been out of touch for a while, sorry, but I have another new grandbaby and he is adorable. I have been healing and actually dating for a while now. I did not want to date after the divorce. It took me nearly 2 1/2 years to actually go out there. I even had crazy ideas that it was all a very bad dream and would someday be all right. Ha, Ha!!!, but it was not funny, as you all know. My situation may not be as some others, as I was one of those limbo wives. My husband, will never admit his lifestyle. He will go through life, as a sad, selfish, human being. Since I was not dating, it made sense to me to have "outings" with my ex. Not such a smart idea. It always left me feeling sad and depressed at what I had lost. The family unit, the family outings and get-togethers etc. I could not tell others about him, since he would call me a liar, and so I was the wrong person who gave up the marriage and ruined the family. I had a lot to get over. My son finally told me to get on with my life and realize that I had nothing to lose but being unhappy. Those were the words that set me off on a new direction.
So I tried on line dating. I met a great guy, on a free dating service, but he soon moved away and we have lost touch. I went out with him several times, but I would not have told him that my husband was gay. Later, several months later, I tried a dating service. I only signed up for three months. I met several men, but started communicating with one in particular. We have been dating several months now, and I DID NOT tell him about my husband being gay until we had been dating for several months. I do not feel that the men you date need to know everything right away. It makes you look like a whiner and a complainer. Being married to a gay man, as you know takes away a woman's self-esteem, and self-worth. We are belittled, ignored, taken for granted, a cover, a breeder, and sucked dry of any feelings that we are worth anything. We want to tell the world, what a derelict we were married to. Be the stronger one, be the woman that knows who she is and what she wants. When you start complaining about how you were married to this gay man etc., it scares them.
They are not strong enough to take it right away.
I can say that I am really happy now. My ex saw my new guy and myself in the mall in February. He finally said something to my daughter, who told me he was so mad, at me. Why? I don't know, he didn't want the package, but I don't want his either. I waited to tell until I felt that we had a strong enough relationship that he could handle the truth and I believe that it was a good decision. I also waited to date until I was sure of myself and who I was inside. I did have self worth, I did have a good feeling about my self esteem. Going out again is a scary thing. You have to open yourself up and that is hard since when you did open yourself before, you were burned really badly. All of us have gone through this horrific time. We need to stick together and realize that Bonnie has given us a great gift via which we can obtain the strength we need to get through the tough times in our life.
Thank you again Bonnie for your wisdom and assurances through everything. Feel free to send anyone who has questions and or comments my way. I don't have all the answers, but I have grown so much, thanks to you.
Jeanne
Dear Bonnie,
I can understand Lil wanting to "look" because it's natural: you want to know you've still "got it", that a really honest-to-God straight guy could find you attractive.
She's found that.
But I think her higher power is trying to tell her to take it a little bit slow right now ...
Now, in terms of being honest with a man, I've gotta say YES. YES YES YES. If he can't handle your reality, he isn't worth your time. You've spent X number of years taking care of someone who didn't take care of you ... now is the time to really listen to your gut.
I had a couple of misses before I met the man I'm currently with, probably the most thoughtful human being I've ever known. Yes, he's flawed (who isn't?!) but he wants honesty and isn't afraid of emotional intimacy. And, oh, by the way, he's straight straight straight. It's an amazing thing making love with a man who loves you and is attracted to you (and not a penis!)
That's my .02 Lil, take it slow and when you meet someone who you really click with, tell him when the time is right.
Linda
Hi Bonnie,
Lil wondered whether to tell her dates about her past. I did it both ways, however, the wonderful man I am now married to, I told on the first date. Because my ex husband was such a prominent community member and his "coming out" was done through an arrest, there was little keeping quiet about it. When I began online dating though, I just went by my first name and did so for the first couple of dates also. On my first date with my now wonderful husband, we were "clicking" right away. At a later point in the date, I said to him, "I need to tell you something that may change your mind about dating me", and I proceeded to tell him my last name upon he knew immediately who my ex was. I told him that due to this, I carried a lot of baggage. His immediate answer to me was, "you only carry the baggage that you choose to.......you did nothing, there is no baggage for you to carry." "You are a lovely lady that got a very raw deal." He then hugged me and told me in no way would that affect him wanting to get to know me. I knew then that he was the real deal and could deal with all I had to deal with. We married 16 months later and have now been married for 17 months and I have never been happier.
I truly feel that what we have been through will affect us for the rest of our lives. We can choose to let it consume us or to live through it and become stronger and happier but nevertheless it will affect us and sometimes it rears its ugly head at strange times. Having a spouse who loves us and understands all about us is a wonderful comfort.
I feel like someone who cannot love us for who we are in all of our totality only spells heartache ahead so I chose to be open and am blessed with a wonderful husband because of it. Hope this helps in some small way. Melody
Dear Julie,
The photos are something I, also, had a hard time dealing with. I put them away in boxes and never looked at them. We had no children together, so after he died, I finally just went ahead and pitched them. I knew I didn't want them anymore, and that I couldn't move on while I knew
I still had those damn pictures in those damn boxes in my house. I felt that he didn't deserve any more space in my head, my heart or my house. But, that's just me.
Since you have children, you could always ask them if they want the photos, or maybe if his parents (if they are still alive) or if his siblings want them. You could always have a shredding party or a small bonfire to wipe your hands of them. Or, you can just keep them in a box until you are ready. If it were me, I sure wouldn't bother to put them in albums.
One thing is certain, there are no rights or wrongs in this situation, whatever is best for YOU is right.
Hugs,
Joanie
Dear Julie,
Like you, I am an ardent fan of photography and have many photo albums from my 20 years of marriage to a secretly gay, cheating husband. He was also a sociopath an emotional abuser, and master manipulator. Like so many of us, I am still working on my recovery from this situation. I think I am just about there; it's been 14 years since he came out.
Photos can be so painful, since they freeze the moments in time, good or bad.
Every time I looked at any family photos, I would say to myself, "Oh he was cheating by then" or "Oh, that's when he gave me so-and-so gift to show me how much he loved me, and he was cheating". You can drive yourself crazy!
When I first had my ex move out, I readied him with 2 boxes of pages I took out of all the albums which contained him and his side of the family with our kids.
As for my wedding pictures, I could never stand to look at them. I wished I could jump back in time to warn that 23-year-old bride what she was in for. I finally gave the wedding album to my daughter. I don't even know if she kept it. I kept one picture of myself as a young bride.
I wished I could jump back in time and tell the proud mother of adorable toddler twins, what was about to start. I decided to put all the family pictures away until I could decide what to do with them. Maybe my daughter will want them. All the other photos are waiting for me to finish a really nice photo album of my kids, ages birth-age 21. After that, all the photos of my daughter's wedding and my granddaughter are with me and my family only.
Remember, you don't have to make the family picture decision right away. Put them away, and see how you feel later on. Give yourself time to heal from this horrible situation. It's all an ongoing process. Eventually, you will know what is the best for you.
Good Luck!
Lori in Texas
Hi Bonnie,
I wanted to respond to this.
"Once women are ready to start opening their hearts again and want to meet someone, an important question comes to light. Do I tell the new guy about my ex-husband? And if I do, when do I tell him? This is a question we often discuss in our support chats. Some women believe in honesty as the first policy; others believe that honesty comes after the relationship gets serious. Of course, there are pro’s and con’s for both arguments. Some women don’t want to invest emotional energy into a new relationship if the new man is going to walk away from this situation. Other women feel telling the new man will “turn him off” because he’ll be focusing on that issue instead of the relationship."
I don't ever tell a man anything about my past unless he specifically asks me. And even then I am very careful what I tell and how much. Generally those kinds of conversations are best done with girlfriends.
When I meet a man, I am generally interested in whether or not I like him and in finding out something about him.. I watch very carefully and I listen to the kinds of stories he tells me about himself. These tell me alot about him and how he deals with people and views life.
I generally assume that a man is most interested in whether or not a woman offers something that he might be interested in now, It's just my opinion that stories of past loves make a man feel crowded out and that its just more emotion than he is prepared to deal with early in a relationship. And its really none of his business unless you choose to make it his business. I find that now I really want to know a GREAT DEAL about a man before I am willing to consider giving my heart to him. And I expect the jury to be out at least a couple of years. In the first year, it seems to be a lot about fun and shared experiences. It's usually the second year before any trouble starts to surface or issues that were glided through asset themselves and demand to be resolved.
I never really enjoy hearing a man tell me how much he loved his first wife and how broken up he was over the divorce or her death. I like to think that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and I think most men feel that they want to be your hero and your lover and friend. I wouldn't tell him anything, but then if you do, if he runs, it might be that he can tell that you just aren't over it yet, or that you are looking for him to assure you that he will never ever cause you so much pain. And he can't promise you that if he has any integrity at all. Sometimes relationships end for any number of reasons. If I want another try at love, I feel that I have to be willing to take some chances and know that it takes a lot of time to trust and even then it might not last forever. I am more careful now.
I am one of the women that thought that my GAY husband was such a "good man" that I was willing to overlook the lack of chemistry, What a mistake!
I am so happy to say that now I have been dating a man for a few weeks that the sex is so hot with, you couldn't shake me loose with a big stick! I have to be peeled off the ceiling when he leaves for work.
I say have some fun and don't be so serious. If its right, he will be around in a year or two to have some of those long chats with and believe me when he wants to know, he will ask you. I intend to let a man be a man and if he wants me, he will have to hook me and reel me in. I think that when a man wants to make things happen with a woman, he does.
Anonymous
Dear Friends,
I have been reading Bonnie's newsletters since I learned of my ex- husband's on-line gay wrestling in the fall of 2005. Some of the comments and suggestions written over time, I have practiced. Others, I set aside because they didn't line up with my character, such as remaining angry and not forgiving my ex-husband's lies and for his going outside a committed, 23 year marriage. All of your comments are written by those who are in a process that isn't linear, meaning, it takes time, thought, prayer and the counsel and friendship of others to move past this horrible experience. It doesn't happen in a sequence and it takes the form you make of it.
In particular, I listen to those women who don't know what to make of a person who will not admit he is gay. (I am not sure bi-sexuality exists, although, I am open to this possibility.) My own husband is 'engaged' to another women with children. I begged him not to do what he did to another unsuspecting woman. He began to see her even before we were divorced. Of course, his position was: ' you didn't give me enough time to change, you are emotionally unstable, you sought out therapy, therefore there is something wrong with you, you are sexually assertive and that doesn't work for me, oral sex is dirty, or, I am too caught up in my work for sex......'
You see, often the same things many of you have been told and churn about in your letters to Bonnie. And so, what now? First, I have let go of having to hear the words: " I am gay" leave his mouth. I wanted and needed this from him--privately between us, as two married partners do. He won't and he can't. If he ever loved me, or trusted me, he would have told me he was gay. He can't. Period.
I have let go of him telling our two sons he is gay. Independent of me, they learned of this when they snooped his computer and found the truth for themselves. To this day, I have never said: "Your father
is gay." That is between their father and them. I told them, I didn't know what he was when they came to me with questions and confusion. I only said he partakes of these activities, and that he lied to me about who he is; and, that lack of trust doesn't make for a marriage. I have tried not to make him an evil person. He has a personality disorder, which leaves him without compassion and empathy. (NPD) He most closely aligns with a sociopath. It's a difficult disorder. We had been to 8 therapists over our 23 year marriage and
as long as I was the 'patient', he would remain in therapy. When he had to reveal himself, he would leave therapy.
My gay friends, who are both male and female, tell me that my ex isn't 'out' to himself, and that this will catch up to him if it hasn't already. Our tendencies to be who we really are grow with age. This is a natural process. We shed the “should’s,” the “must’s” and hopefully, live out who we really are with our inherent character, truth, integrity and light.
After nearly 4 years, I knew I wanted to rid myself of any residual resentment, anger, and damage the lies had left me with. This has nothing to do with my ex. This is something I wanted for myself.
Why? Because if you are angry, it shows up. If you are resentful it shows up.
Where does it show up? In your next significant relationship. In your relationship with your kids. In your relationship with your friends. It shows up and robs any current relationship of its goodness and health. You contaminate your good relationships with resentment and anger whether you realize it or not. You are either contributing to a relationship or polluting. I want to contribute.....
I am working the Al-Anon four step program. What is it? You name the person who has hurt and betrayed you. You write down, in no order, all, yes ALL the things that he or she did. Just a list. Mine is very long, by the way. It includes my ex telling me he never wanted our children after they were born. He went along to 'keep me'. Stuff like that. Big stuff and little stuff, like, ' Mary, you should not tell people how old you are in public. I want them to think I am younger than I am.' Yep. He said it many, many times.
The next bit of writing includes listing all of the ways this affected you, or what did it take from you. How did it affect you sexually, physically, spiritually, financially, morally, how did it affect your dreams. Again, I have a pretty long list....
Finally, you list any way you have contributed to this dynamic. What if anything, did you do, to perpetuate this relationship? How did you enable anything? It's scraping yourself clean. You need to do it. I have scrapped to the bone. It has been worth it.
I am going to take my work to my therapist who has been with me for nearly 5 years. She and I will review what is there and see what if anything more can be done, besides adding Time. There are also prayers that are used within the process of the Four Steps. Visit an Al-Anon group if you need to. It's for anyone who has been seriously harmed by a user, typically drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.
I made the choice not to be bitter, resentful, angry and abusive. I made the choice not to pollute my next relationship, nor the ones I have with my children, family and friends. Believe me, it will show up. You have to find a way to empty yourself of that stuff, so your Real Self comes back to you.
Thanks for listening.
My best for all of you in this little canoe trying to make your way.
Keep paddling, but use two oars.
Mary
Hi Bonnie
Short and sweet response to "Should we tell our new boyfriend the truth about having been married to a gay man"
Yes, tell your new boyfriend the truth, right from the get-go. If he can't take, it, then you're already a step ahead of the game, and know that he's not worth developing a further relationship with. If you can't talk openly about this topic with him, then I guarantee it's a predictor of a relationship that will not last. Don't continue to hide your gay ex-husband's secret. If your friend is afraid of talking about it, then find a new friend.
Regarding that wonderful piece that Julie Largent wrote. I LOVED reading about her dilemma. For it is also my dilemma. I have family photos in a couple of boxes that I have kept for years, intending to mount into photo albums, but since discovery, I neither want to look at them, or especially, handle them. I always wondered why my ex gay husband was never interested in family pictures. The only photos he took over the years were when his mom, sister, aunt or uncle came to visit, and he wanted me to take the pictures. I always had a feeling that he didn't want me in any of the pictures, which, at the time, was a subliminal feeling; however, after thinking about it, after reading Julie's article, I just now realized, that my feeling at the time, was true. He never suggested that my picture be taken - it was always his family doing the suggesting for me to be included in any photo, now that I think about it. Those pictures of him and his family were the simplest for me to dispose of - I just put all of "his" pictures in a box, which he took with him when he left our home, about 3 years ago. As for the others - the ones with him and me, or some variation of my son and daughter with him - I gave all of the pictures of him and our daughter, to our daughter. She's ok with him. She thinks I should forgive him. My son, on the other hand, has painstakingly cut his father out of pictures and saved the remaining part of the picture of himself and/or me, but I still don't know what to do with them - I can't mount them on a page for a photo album, that way. And then there's the wedding pictures. What do you do with them? I suppose these are the same questions that would arise given any divorce from a gay or straight man, but we have our own special pain, knowing that it was all pretend, is something that a divorced ex-wife of a straight man, wouldn't experience - at least they know that what they had was at least real, for a time. For us, it was all an illusion, as these pictures themselves, now seem to be.
Anonymous
That’s all for this month. Have a great one!
Love, Bonnie
Showing posts with label LOW SELF-ESTEEM ISSUE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LOW SELF-ESTEEM ISSUE. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
STRAIGHT TALK MAY 2009 NEWSLETTER
Dear Readers,
This month, I am sending you a personal newsletter written exclusively by me in honor of women and Mother’s Day. Any mailbag correspondence for this month will be included next month.
Also, in June, I am inviting my gay husbands/ex-husbands who are part of our support network to write for the June newsletter to tie in with Father’s Day. I know it will be a powerful issue, so please watch for it.
MAY IS FOR WOMEN!!
May is definitely the month that celebrates mothers, wives, and women in general. I would like to spend this month with you talking about the wonderful women who write to me daily in their worst moments of stress and distress trying to make sense of what has happened in their lives. Many of these women are now facing single motherhood, something that would have been unthinkable when they were taking those “I do” vows of love eternal. Every woman thinks at some point in the marriage when learning the truth, “Who would have ever thought…..”
Let me look back over the past 25 years since I started working with over 40,000 women married to gay men to give you some insight of what has changed. Okay, that took about five seconds. The answer is NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The same feelings of disbelief, shame, and fear are still the prevalent emotions that all women write to me about. I still receive on an average 30 – 40 letters a week for help and support every week. Women are still asking me to give them the answers that they are desperately seeking to these questions:
1. Will my husband change?
2. Can my husband change?
3. What can I do to make my husband change?
4. What can you do to make my husband change?
5. Why can’t my husband change?
Then after a couple of go rounds, the responses go in one of two directions:
1. Why didn’t I find you years ago? or
2. Why are you so negative?
Some women who write to me accuse me of being negative when I tell them the answers to these questions. They think that through developing a combative dialogue with me that they can make me change the answers I am giving them. They try to wear me out or down. They ask me why am I so black and white? Where are my shades of gray? Aren’t there any exceptions to the rule? I sometimes get worn down enough to tell them that yes, there are exceptions to every rule. I know there are at dozen or two women out of millions of us who embrace their husbands’ homosexuality and think that it’s just fine. I don’t have their names, but I advise them to check out those online groups that encourage women to sit and linger in a destructive marriage to a man who can never be a real husband to them.
I prefer to think of myself as the voice of sanity and reason rather than delusion. How many of you would be reading this newsletter if year in and year out I told you that it’s no big deal to have a gay husband and you can learn to live with it? I bet those dozen or two women would find their way to this newsletter list while the rest of you would turn away in disappointment. You see, even though most of you may not like what I have to say in the beginning, you know what I am right in what I am saying by the end. Once you are willing to close that closet door stuffed with denial—namely your closet stuffed with your denial—you have to deal with the truth at some point.
I have no happy campers writing to me. Every woman who writes to me feels her soul has been ripped out of her. It doesn’t matter what religion, nationality, culture, country, political belief, education level, or profession she has—she is part of the same group as all of the rest of us. And although we are all so different, in many ways we are all so much the same. I truly believe that we have so many commonalities that gay men sense when they meet us. We are trusting, loving, accepting, understanding, compassionate, giving, and in most cases, forgiving. This is not a coincidence—not with so many numbers of us. When a gay man is seeking a wife, he is seeking a woman—either consciously or unconsciously--who fits that profile “just in case.” And I say “just in case” because these guys are really hoping against hope that marrying us will change them. But it doesn’t. It can’t. They are gay. We are women.
Some women have what they thought were the best of marriages. Others had the worst. In the end, it’s all the same. But in between the beginning and the end, it’s definitely different. Women who had marriages with turmoil feel a sense of relief that the marriage is over and now understand the reasons why they could never make their husbands happy no matter how hard they tried. They have an easier time accepting that homosexuality was the cause of their unhappiness because now they know that it wasn’t because they weren’t “thin enough,” “attractive enough,” “smart enough,” “supportive enough,” or too “sexually demanding.” Women who had happy marriages have a much harder time dealing with this news. They lived a happy life and believed that their marriages would be forever. They may not have had the best sex lives, but everything else seemed great. They were married to their “best friend.” They can’t understand how sex with a man could be more important to their husbands than the love for their family. They don’t understand how men are willing to sacrifice the beautiful life they have for a sexual act. They want this “nightmare” to go away because they want their husbands “back.” They come to me wanting that magic wand that will “whisk the gay away.” I never was able to find out where they sell those wands. I am still working on finding the wand that “makes your husband gay” as so many ignorant people still believe we have the capability to do!
Two of the most heard questions are (1) Why did this happen to me? and (2) How did this happen to me? I’m not quite sure how it happened, but I’m pretty clear on why it happened. Almost all of you were “gay bait” whether you want to admit it or not. Please let me explain before you get upset—and that goes double for my gay husbands reading this. In all of my endless research over the last 26 years, I have put together a profile of the woman that a gay man seeks out for a wife. I have a whole chapter about this in my book “The Gay Husband Checklist.” Once again, let me doubly emphasize that I believe in my heart that almost every gay man who marries loves his wife when he marries her—I’d say at least 95%. Let’s be honest—would most of us have married a man who we didn’t think loved us? I don’t believe for one moment that straight wives are desperate women trying to hook any man who will marry them. On the contrary. Most of us dated our gay husbands for a while or knew them for a while and the love was there. These men loved us with their hearts to the best of their ability. There was no trickery here—gay husbands didn’t marry you because they hate women. They married you because they loved you and hoped they weren’t gay men. Most of them knew that they had twinges, attractions, or even urges to be with a man, but they could not equate that with being gay. And for those who did know at the time of the marriage that they enjoyed a few fleeing sexual encounters with men, they felt for the most part it was just an encounter and that didn’t make them gay. How could they be gay and love a woman?
They were just as confused then as we became later. They were just as influenced by the gay stereotypes in movies as we were. They couldn’t relate to the swishy, flashy, effeminate acting men that Hollywood portrayed as gay. That wasn’t them. Gay men grew up with the same misconceptions that straight women grew up with. Gay people only wanted gay people. The fact that these husbands had these feelings was a fluke—a fluke that would disappear after they married you. Loving you and building a family would take their minds off those terrible thoughts FOREVER.
And for a while, it did. Starting that new life with a new wife and taking those vows kept them busy for a while. Most of us were married in our 20’s when any sex can feel good to a man—even sex with a woman. Most of them tried to be loving husbands. But in time, “loving” became “dutiful,” and from “dutiful” became “resentful.” A gay man for the most part can only keep up the pretense for so long. As they physically mature, so does their sexuality. Unfortunately, with all of the research, slides and scales that have been invented to explain this, no one has come up with a realistic determination of when the “gay day” will strike. That’s because no two people are exactly alike. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there could be a method that by your 21st birthday when the clock struck midnight, a man’s sexuality would suddenly become clear? Maybe someday science will learn how to control that “gay clock,” but I don’t know of anyone working on it yet.
The fact is that a man’s sexuality will develop at any time throughout the marriage. I believe there are a few men who honestly didn’t even have a hint when they married—not even a twinge. They are able to successfully enjoy their marriages for a number of years. Then all of a sudden—BAM!!! Gay creeps up on them out of nowhere. But most gay husbands had some kind of feelings before they took those vows to you but either thought they would disappear or could be controlled. Look, people give up smoking and carbohydrates; why not desires for a penis?
For those men whose sexuality jumped ahead of them, the unhappiness set in. And guess who was responsible for that? YOU. You were the cause of their frustration. You made them feel “trapped.” You made them feel inadequate because you were expecting them to do things they didn’t want to do—namely make love to you. And so you became sexually “demanding” just because you expected them to act like a straight man should act. And to justify their unhappiness, they started holding you accountable for everything that was wrong in the marriage. In their own minds, if they could make YOU the fault, they wouldn’t have to accept the real culprit—THEIR HOMOSEXUALITY. It was easier for them to knock you down than to be honest with themselves. You were standing in their way of frustration, so you were easy to knock down—over and over again. The knocking wasn’t usually physical, but in almost all cases it was emotionally and mentally abusive.
No one who is straight understands better than I do about the pain that so many gay men go through during their struggle to come to terms with themselves. I have worked with hundreds of wonderful men—some of whom contribute regularly to our newsletter—who share their heartaches with me during their quest for understanding themselves and “chasing the gay that won’t go away.” You always hear me repeat over and over that these men have NO choice in their homosexuality—but they DO have a choice in being honest about it. The sooner the better is what I say. Every day that you live a lie, is a day gone that cannot be taken back. The days turn into weeks, the weeks months, the months years, and before you know it, 10, 20, and 30 years have passed. For many people, it is a lifetime. And what do you have to show for it?
Some gay husbands believe they are doing the “right thing” by staying in a marriage that is a lie. They justify it by saying it would hurt their wives too much if they left. I think the woman should make that decision after she knows the truth. To me, that is the coward’s way out. In most cases, men are afraid of what they have to lose, and in many cases, there’s a lot at stake. Most likely your wife won’t be happy when she hears the news, and how she reacts causes fear to paralyze many of these men long after their honesty due date.
Many of your gay husbands continue to live in denial and never will tell you the truth. I tell women who have husbands that finally admit to being gay or even “bisexual” which is gay to be thankful that they have a confession. So many of our women feel they can’t have closure because they don’t have a confession. What is that about anyway? You supposedly “love” a woman but you don’t “love her enough” to tell her the truth for fear of how it will affect you? Is that love or is that selfishness? Ummmm...it is selfishness.
You see, as I told you earlier, almost all straight wives of gay men are not typical wives. There is a certain prototype that gay men look for in a wife when there may be problems down the road. That’s why you rarely see a straight wife seeking total revenge on her gay husband. In some cases, it does happen, but for the most part, we are women who love too much, too hard, feel too bad about our husbands’ pain, feel guilty even when our head tells us it has nothing to do with us, and continue to want to protect our husbands even when they are out there and not protecting us. They aren’t thinking of us when they have unprotected sex and bring home sexually transmitted diseases, are they?
Hundreds of women are receiving this newsletter who have HIV/AIDS, herpes, syphilis, and pre-cancerous conditions attributed to STD’s brought home by their unprotected husbands. To me, this is unforgiveable. Even then, some gay husbands can’t be honest. They turn the tables accusing their wives of infidelity. Or they come up with the old “toilet bowl crawling with vermin” theory. They are “clueless” how their wives became infected. Okay. How do you even respond to that?
I never said there were any easy solutions to this multi-complex problem. Some gay husbands do the right thing—and some, sooner than later. Even the later ones I can deal with. But the ones that never do the right thing, well those are the ones I hold great contempt for. They refuse to discuss anything with their wives. They emotionally retreat into a shell and don’t come out. They live in a constant state of denial, making their wives second guess themselves over and over and over. This second guessing is emotionally exhausting for any woman who has to keep questioning herself daily. I remember those feelings of self-doubt and how they crept into every decision I had to make. After a while, I couldn’t do anything without questioning my ability as to whether or not I was making the right decision. After all, if I was “imagining” my husband was gay, what else was I “imagining”?
One of the biggest problems that both gay husbands and straight wives have understanding is that gay is not a “lifestyle.” One of the prime reasons why gay husbands are so convinced they are not gay is because they don’t feel comfortable living in the stereotypical gay world. They believe if they are repulsed by gay bars, gay parades, and gay activities, then they aren’t gay. They are straight men who have a sexual need. They don’t equate that sexual need to gay. They really believe they are straight. A gay encounter now and then to relieve the need doesn’t make them gay. As one woman in my support group recently said, “My husband said he just ‘dabbled’ a few times. Dabbling? Yikes! What is that? Plenty of men claim they aren’t gay because they only allow men to perform oral sex on them. Oh yes—they make sure to add that it’s because their wives don’t want to do it, and having a man do it makes it “Not Cheating.” So I suppose if a woman has a straight man perform oral sex because her husband refuses to do it, then it’s not cheating, right? Where’s the sense of reality here?
Why do women have such a hard time accepting the truth even if they don’t find hard-core proof of their husbands’ homosexuality? What is proof? For some women, it would mean walking in and finding him actually having sex with a man. They keep asking me, “Does it mean he’s gay because he’s looking at gay porno? He swears it’s only pictures and he’s not acting on it?” Gay. It’s gay. Straight men DON’T look at gay porno. Others ask me, “Is it gay when he masturbates? He’s not having sex with anyone else.” In other words, he’s not having sex with you, but he’s masturbating and having sex with himself—usually after looking at the gay porno. Gay. It’s gay. You catch him in gay chatrooms posting profiles of himself. He claims he’s just having fun because he’s bored. Gay. It’s gay. Straight men don’t have fun that way. You find his cell phone bills and there are calls to gay dating services or sex lines. He says it’s just a joke. Gay. It’s gay. Spending money on gay hotlines is not something a straight man would do. What is wrong with our women? When I tell these stories to my own ex-husband, he laughs. He can’t believe that women are this naïve. We are so desperate to hang on to the cries of denial that we believe anything these men these men tell us. I say “we” because I was once walking in your shoes a long time ago. I wanted to believe that the worst of all possibilities was impossible.
By hanging on to this hope, I lost who “I” was in the marriage and became someone that I no longer recognized. I remember making all kinds of personal compromises in my head every day. Even though the words were never spoken, all the clues and hints were there. The confrontations always ended the same way: “You’re imagining things.” I knew in time that I wasn’t. In the beginning I was able to believe those denials, and in fact, felt relieved when they kept coming. But in time, I had to think with my head instead of with my heart.
What was I able to live with? What was I able to accept? How much could I live with in order to keep my family intact? If my husband disappeared for a few hours every six months and did something I never had to find out about with a consenting adult, I could live with that. I thought I could live with that. I was willing to live with that. I packaged it in my own mind and felt a sigh of relief. I was so ridiculous, wasn’t I? Many of our women try this approach at first because of the fear of losing what they have. I tried to make it feel better by using the word “bisexual.” That was certainly one step up in comfort from “gay.” Bisexual gives women the illusion of hope. Your husband can be happy with a woman or a man; therefore, he can pick you—IF YOU TRY HARD ENOUGH. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing I tried worked in the end because we have NO CONTROL over our husbands’ homosexuality. They have no control over it—so how can we have any control?
Many of our women write and tell me that they live with gay husbands who are controlling. They don’t necessarily start out controlling, but as they grapple with their homosexuality, these men become controlling because they have no control over their sexuality. Some of them are in such fear of the truth coming out that they will isolate you in all kinds of ways. Some will whisk you off to a new home hundreds or thousands of miles away from everything secure and familiar to you. Others will start making demands on your time so that you don’t spend time with friends and family. And still others will make it so uncomfortable for company to come that people will want to stay away. They hope that by isolating you, you will not tell their “secret” based on your knowledge or suspicions. By isolating “you,” you become more dependent on “him.” This is how he keeps you in his darkened closet.
The sad thing is that even when some of these men finally do come out, we are still stuck in that closet. They’ve jolted—we’re stuck. We all go through the same set of emotions ranging from “how could I have been this stupid” to “I can’t tell anyone about this.” Of course it doesn’t help when your husbands warn you “you better not tell anyone about this—especially my family.” That’s when you are now stuck in the situation of continuing to live his lie for him while he is living his gay life and telling the people who know and love you that the marriage didn’t work out for “mutual reasons.” Or some guys go to the next level and come right out and say the marriage didn’t work because of YOU. And you are still “protecting” his secret while he’s defaming you. What’s with that?
I know that change is difficult, but living in a marriage that’s a lie is more difficult. Some of our women lose view of that because they feel paralyzed into inaction. They’ll sooner pop mind altering anti-depressants than take a chance at making a change for the better. How good is a marriage if you have to be medicated to stay in it? Doesn’t this show you that there is a problem?
For the women who are afraid to break up their families because of the children, I say take a chance. Children know when a marriage isn’t happy. They know when you aren’t happy. They are too young to understand why you aren’t happy, especially when they are living in the lie with you. So instead, they start doubting themselves and wondering what they are doing wrong to cause you unhappiness. They blame themselves, no matter how many times you tell them it’s not their fault. They don’t believe you any more than you believe your husbands’ denials. And what about the role model you are setting forth for them? Is this what you want for them in their futures? Do you want them to stay in a marriage that lacks emotional connection and sexual connection? If they see that is acceptable in your marriage, they will think this is what marriage is and repeat it in their own marriages. I also ask my women this question: Do you have a daughter or a sister? If not, a best friend? When they say yes, I ask them if they would want them to be in this kind of a marriage. No one has said yes. So why would any woman want less for herself than for her child, sister, or friend? What sense does this make?
I never compare two people. I left my marriage with two little babies after four years of being beaten down. I only had a GED which I obtained at 26. I went on welfare for 3 years while I snuck to college and raised the children struggling financially every single day. But I had peace of mind that I didn’t have to struggle living in a failing marriage that had no place to go but further down. I put myself in a place where I wouldn’t have to worry about supporting my children any more. I became self-sufficient and independent. There were days when I was falling over with exhaustion. I had a 3 month old with a rare undiagnosed disease at the time. I had a two year old who gave new meaning to the “terrible twos.” And yet, as horrible as it was, it was still better than wondering every time my husband went out the door who he was going to meet and have sex with. It was better than listening to all of the reasons why he didn’t want to have sex with me. And it was better than being in a controlling situation where I had NO control. Yes, it was difficult, but it was BETTER.
Change is a fact of life. People have overcome greater struggles than this. No one says it will be easy—because it’s not. But staying where you are and being paralyzed is not easy either. I know change can take time—but you have to WANT to make a change. And if you are reading this newsletter, there is something within you that is looking to do this. I don’t give you a timeline, but rather a mind-set. You can never by physically free if you’re not emotionally free. You have to have a clear mind to make an escape plan. And some of our women can never escape. They are disabled and dependent for health reasons—but guess what? They are emotionally free which is half the battle—the most important half of it.
Don’t apologize for loving your husband after he turns your life upside down. You can still love a man who has done this to you because there is part of you who understands this is not a real choice. You may hate the way he does it or how he treats you, but that doesn’t mean you can turn off the love button like a faucet. Some women will love their ex-husbands forever. Look, I love mine. Not as a husband, but as a family member. It took years to get to this point, but children often bond people together. Our losing both of our children in 2002 and 2005 bonded us more closely together than before because no one can understand our loss better than each other.
And if you don’t love your gay husband anymore, that’s fine too. Plenty of people break up who are straight couples and life goes on. In fact, 50% of the marriages in the country break up. Guess why? Because they were mistakes or became mistakes. Human nature is never a perfect science or math. People change, they grow, and they grow apart. Life was meant to live, not to accept as a death sentence. When people feel they are dying in a marriage, they end it and move on. Why do we, as wives of gay men, feel the need to hang and cling onto something that wasn’t meant to be in the first place? Why do we have to have proof before we can justify leaving? Why can’t the proof be that you’re just not happy and getting what you deserve out of a marriage?
That brings me back to my first point. We are different. We are loving, caring, hurting women who will try to the end to make something that is broken work. We will linger and wilt in a ridiculous marriage rather than stand up and say, “I don’t want this anymore for myself because I deserve better.” That’s because so many of us feel for so long that we don’t deserve better.
A few closing thoughts:
Allow yourself to have a pity party when you need one. Life dealt you a hand that you never expected or wanted. You don’t have to be brave—give yourself permission to break down once in a while and cry. But then pick yourself up and keep moving ahead.
Most importantly, there is no timeline of gay husband recovery. This situation is not like any other situation where people get divorced. We are dealing with a myriad of issues that straight couples don’t deal with. You have the children and they are going to deal or accept it, the family, the friends, your co-workers, now having to support a family, financial woes, self-esteem issues, sexual esteem issues, trust issues—including trusting yourself—to deal with. You have to watch with your eyes or at least in your head about your husband loving a man—something that was unthinkable to you when it came to your husband—instead of you. In the beginning, you believe that every man you meet is a gay man. Every man is a suspect. After all, you couldn’t tell with your husband, how can you tell with someone else?
You may believe that you will never trust another man again, but we all think that in our early phases of recovery. Recovery takes time, and women who don’t allow themselves that time are doomed to make a mistake again. It doesn’t mean you’ll find another gay man, but you will find plenty of straight predators out there that are looking for vulnerable women like you after this happens. In our need to feel the love that’s been missing for so long, we often jump before we are ready. We compromise again. That’s why it’s not unusual to find women married for a second time in a marriage with a gay man after a marriage with an abusive man. Abuse could include drinking, drugging, sexual addiction, or gambling. When you’re at a low point, this is when you jump into something just to prove to yourself that you are worthy.
You have to get to know who you are again. You have to become strong so you don’t keep making the same mistake in a different form over and over. Learn to love yourself first. You can never truly love a man in the right way if you don’t learn to love yourself. You have to learn that your needs are just as important in a relationship as your man’s needs. Learn to speak up and assert yourself; if not, you’re doomed to find another wrong relationship. Realize you can be COMPLETE without a man. You shouldn’t need a man to make your life—you should want a man to complement your life.
Please be aware that we have read so many “happily after ever again” stories here from straight wives who found their real soulmates after thinking love was a part of their past that would never happen again. I’m one of many success stories, and I keep bragging about it. It’s been 15 years, 4 months and two weeks. We celebrate every month because to me, finding your soulmate is a celebration! After all this time, the passion and love are even stronger than ever! Go figure!
I will end this newsletter with the most profound statement that my dear friend, Viv from Ohio, stated in a recent chat session. These words were so moving that I wish I would have thought of them myself, but I didn’t. But guess what? I haven’t stopped thinking about them and using them since I heard them.
Viv, who was stuck in a very abusive marriage for 25 years but found her freedom couple of years ago, said she figured out:
“When you are living in a situation that you don’t understand and being mistreated, you are a victim. But once you know the truth and you continue to stay in it, you become a volunteer.”
Think about it!
With love to you all, Bonnie Kaye
This month, I am sending you a personal newsletter written exclusively by me in honor of women and Mother’s Day. Any mailbag correspondence for this month will be included next month.
Also, in June, I am inviting my gay husbands/ex-husbands who are part of our support network to write for the June newsletter to tie in with Father’s Day. I know it will be a powerful issue, so please watch for it.
MAY IS FOR WOMEN!!
May is definitely the month that celebrates mothers, wives, and women in general. I would like to spend this month with you talking about the wonderful women who write to me daily in their worst moments of stress and distress trying to make sense of what has happened in their lives. Many of these women are now facing single motherhood, something that would have been unthinkable when they were taking those “I do” vows of love eternal. Every woman thinks at some point in the marriage when learning the truth, “Who would have ever thought…..”
Let me look back over the past 25 years since I started working with over 40,000 women married to gay men to give you some insight of what has changed. Okay, that took about five seconds. The answer is NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The same feelings of disbelief, shame, and fear are still the prevalent emotions that all women write to me about. I still receive on an average 30 – 40 letters a week for help and support every week. Women are still asking me to give them the answers that they are desperately seeking to these questions:
1. Will my husband change?
2. Can my husband change?
3. What can I do to make my husband change?
4. What can you do to make my husband change?
5. Why can’t my husband change?
Then after a couple of go rounds, the responses go in one of two directions:
1. Why didn’t I find you years ago? or
2. Why are you so negative?
Some women who write to me accuse me of being negative when I tell them the answers to these questions. They think that through developing a combative dialogue with me that they can make me change the answers I am giving them. They try to wear me out or down. They ask me why am I so black and white? Where are my shades of gray? Aren’t there any exceptions to the rule? I sometimes get worn down enough to tell them that yes, there are exceptions to every rule. I know there are at dozen or two women out of millions of us who embrace their husbands’ homosexuality and think that it’s just fine. I don’t have their names, but I advise them to check out those online groups that encourage women to sit and linger in a destructive marriage to a man who can never be a real husband to them.
I prefer to think of myself as the voice of sanity and reason rather than delusion. How many of you would be reading this newsletter if year in and year out I told you that it’s no big deal to have a gay husband and you can learn to live with it? I bet those dozen or two women would find their way to this newsletter list while the rest of you would turn away in disappointment. You see, even though most of you may not like what I have to say in the beginning, you know what I am right in what I am saying by the end. Once you are willing to close that closet door stuffed with denial—namely your closet stuffed with your denial—you have to deal with the truth at some point.
I have no happy campers writing to me. Every woman who writes to me feels her soul has been ripped out of her. It doesn’t matter what religion, nationality, culture, country, political belief, education level, or profession she has—she is part of the same group as all of the rest of us. And although we are all so different, in many ways we are all so much the same. I truly believe that we have so many commonalities that gay men sense when they meet us. We are trusting, loving, accepting, understanding, compassionate, giving, and in most cases, forgiving. This is not a coincidence—not with so many numbers of us. When a gay man is seeking a wife, he is seeking a woman—either consciously or unconsciously--who fits that profile “just in case.” And I say “just in case” because these guys are really hoping against hope that marrying us will change them. But it doesn’t. It can’t. They are gay. We are women.
Some women have what they thought were the best of marriages. Others had the worst. In the end, it’s all the same. But in between the beginning and the end, it’s definitely different. Women who had marriages with turmoil feel a sense of relief that the marriage is over and now understand the reasons why they could never make their husbands happy no matter how hard they tried. They have an easier time accepting that homosexuality was the cause of their unhappiness because now they know that it wasn’t because they weren’t “thin enough,” “attractive enough,” “smart enough,” “supportive enough,” or too “sexually demanding.” Women who had happy marriages have a much harder time dealing with this news. They lived a happy life and believed that their marriages would be forever. They may not have had the best sex lives, but everything else seemed great. They were married to their “best friend.” They can’t understand how sex with a man could be more important to their husbands than the love for their family. They don’t understand how men are willing to sacrifice the beautiful life they have for a sexual act. They want this “nightmare” to go away because they want their husbands “back.” They come to me wanting that magic wand that will “whisk the gay away.” I never was able to find out where they sell those wands. I am still working on finding the wand that “makes your husband gay” as so many ignorant people still believe we have the capability to do!
Two of the most heard questions are (1) Why did this happen to me? and (2) How did this happen to me? I’m not quite sure how it happened, but I’m pretty clear on why it happened. Almost all of you were “gay bait” whether you want to admit it or not. Please let me explain before you get upset—and that goes double for my gay husbands reading this. In all of my endless research over the last 26 years, I have put together a profile of the woman that a gay man seeks out for a wife. I have a whole chapter about this in my book “The Gay Husband Checklist.” Once again, let me doubly emphasize that I believe in my heart that almost every gay man who marries loves his wife when he marries her—I’d say at least 95%. Let’s be honest—would most of us have married a man who we didn’t think loved us? I don’t believe for one moment that straight wives are desperate women trying to hook any man who will marry them. On the contrary. Most of us dated our gay husbands for a while or knew them for a while and the love was there. These men loved us with their hearts to the best of their ability. There was no trickery here—gay husbands didn’t marry you because they hate women. They married you because they loved you and hoped they weren’t gay men. Most of them knew that they had twinges, attractions, or even urges to be with a man, but they could not equate that with being gay. And for those who did know at the time of the marriage that they enjoyed a few fleeing sexual encounters with men, they felt for the most part it was just an encounter and that didn’t make them gay. How could they be gay and love a woman?
They were just as confused then as we became later. They were just as influenced by the gay stereotypes in movies as we were. They couldn’t relate to the swishy, flashy, effeminate acting men that Hollywood portrayed as gay. That wasn’t them. Gay men grew up with the same misconceptions that straight women grew up with. Gay people only wanted gay people. The fact that these husbands had these feelings was a fluke—a fluke that would disappear after they married you. Loving you and building a family would take their minds off those terrible thoughts FOREVER.
And for a while, it did. Starting that new life with a new wife and taking those vows kept them busy for a while. Most of us were married in our 20’s when any sex can feel good to a man—even sex with a woman. Most of them tried to be loving husbands. But in time, “loving” became “dutiful,” and from “dutiful” became “resentful.” A gay man for the most part can only keep up the pretense for so long. As they physically mature, so does their sexuality. Unfortunately, with all of the research, slides and scales that have been invented to explain this, no one has come up with a realistic determination of when the “gay day” will strike. That’s because no two people are exactly alike. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there could be a method that by your 21st birthday when the clock struck midnight, a man’s sexuality would suddenly become clear? Maybe someday science will learn how to control that “gay clock,” but I don’t know of anyone working on it yet.
The fact is that a man’s sexuality will develop at any time throughout the marriage. I believe there are a few men who honestly didn’t even have a hint when they married—not even a twinge. They are able to successfully enjoy their marriages for a number of years. Then all of a sudden—BAM!!! Gay creeps up on them out of nowhere. But most gay husbands had some kind of feelings before they took those vows to you but either thought they would disappear or could be controlled. Look, people give up smoking and carbohydrates; why not desires for a penis?
For those men whose sexuality jumped ahead of them, the unhappiness set in. And guess who was responsible for that? YOU. You were the cause of their frustration. You made them feel “trapped.” You made them feel inadequate because you were expecting them to do things they didn’t want to do—namely make love to you. And so you became sexually “demanding” just because you expected them to act like a straight man should act. And to justify their unhappiness, they started holding you accountable for everything that was wrong in the marriage. In their own minds, if they could make YOU the fault, they wouldn’t have to accept the real culprit—THEIR HOMOSEXUALITY. It was easier for them to knock you down than to be honest with themselves. You were standing in their way of frustration, so you were easy to knock down—over and over again. The knocking wasn’t usually physical, but in almost all cases it was emotionally and mentally abusive.
No one who is straight understands better than I do about the pain that so many gay men go through during their struggle to come to terms with themselves. I have worked with hundreds of wonderful men—some of whom contribute regularly to our newsletter—who share their heartaches with me during their quest for understanding themselves and “chasing the gay that won’t go away.” You always hear me repeat over and over that these men have NO choice in their homosexuality—but they DO have a choice in being honest about it. The sooner the better is what I say. Every day that you live a lie, is a day gone that cannot be taken back. The days turn into weeks, the weeks months, the months years, and before you know it, 10, 20, and 30 years have passed. For many people, it is a lifetime. And what do you have to show for it?
Some gay husbands believe they are doing the “right thing” by staying in a marriage that is a lie. They justify it by saying it would hurt their wives too much if they left. I think the woman should make that decision after she knows the truth. To me, that is the coward’s way out. In most cases, men are afraid of what they have to lose, and in many cases, there’s a lot at stake. Most likely your wife won’t be happy when she hears the news, and how she reacts causes fear to paralyze many of these men long after their honesty due date.
Many of your gay husbands continue to live in denial and never will tell you the truth. I tell women who have husbands that finally admit to being gay or even “bisexual” which is gay to be thankful that they have a confession. So many of our women feel they can’t have closure because they don’t have a confession. What is that about anyway? You supposedly “love” a woman but you don’t “love her enough” to tell her the truth for fear of how it will affect you? Is that love or is that selfishness? Ummmm...it is selfishness.
You see, as I told you earlier, almost all straight wives of gay men are not typical wives. There is a certain prototype that gay men look for in a wife when there may be problems down the road. That’s why you rarely see a straight wife seeking total revenge on her gay husband. In some cases, it does happen, but for the most part, we are women who love too much, too hard, feel too bad about our husbands’ pain, feel guilty even when our head tells us it has nothing to do with us, and continue to want to protect our husbands even when they are out there and not protecting us. They aren’t thinking of us when they have unprotected sex and bring home sexually transmitted diseases, are they?
Hundreds of women are receiving this newsletter who have HIV/AIDS, herpes, syphilis, and pre-cancerous conditions attributed to STD’s brought home by their unprotected husbands. To me, this is unforgiveable. Even then, some gay husbands can’t be honest. They turn the tables accusing their wives of infidelity. Or they come up with the old “toilet bowl crawling with vermin” theory. They are “clueless” how their wives became infected. Okay. How do you even respond to that?
I never said there were any easy solutions to this multi-complex problem. Some gay husbands do the right thing—and some, sooner than later. Even the later ones I can deal with. But the ones that never do the right thing, well those are the ones I hold great contempt for. They refuse to discuss anything with their wives. They emotionally retreat into a shell and don’t come out. They live in a constant state of denial, making their wives second guess themselves over and over and over. This second guessing is emotionally exhausting for any woman who has to keep questioning herself daily. I remember those feelings of self-doubt and how they crept into every decision I had to make. After a while, I couldn’t do anything without questioning my ability as to whether or not I was making the right decision. After all, if I was “imagining” my husband was gay, what else was I “imagining”?
One of the biggest problems that both gay husbands and straight wives have understanding is that gay is not a “lifestyle.” One of the prime reasons why gay husbands are so convinced they are not gay is because they don’t feel comfortable living in the stereotypical gay world. They believe if they are repulsed by gay bars, gay parades, and gay activities, then they aren’t gay. They are straight men who have a sexual need. They don’t equate that sexual need to gay. They really believe they are straight. A gay encounter now and then to relieve the need doesn’t make them gay. As one woman in my support group recently said, “My husband said he just ‘dabbled’ a few times. Dabbling? Yikes! What is that? Plenty of men claim they aren’t gay because they only allow men to perform oral sex on them. Oh yes—they make sure to add that it’s because their wives don’t want to do it, and having a man do it makes it “Not Cheating.” So I suppose if a woman has a straight man perform oral sex because her husband refuses to do it, then it’s not cheating, right? Where’s the sense of reality here?
Why do women have such a hard time accepting the truth even if they don’t find hard-core proof of their husbands’ homosexuality? What is proof? For some women, it would mean walking in and finding him actually having sex with a man. They keep asking me, “Does it mean he’s gay because he’s looking at gay porno? He swears it’s only pictures and he’s not acting on it?” Gay. It’s gay. Straight men DON’T look at gay porno. Others ask me, “Is it gay when he masturbates? He’s not having sex with anyone else.” In other words, he’s not having sex with you, but he’s masturbating and having sex with himself—usually after looking at the gay porno. Gay. It’s gay. You catch him in gay chatrooms posting profiles of himself. He claims he’s just having fun because he’s bored. Gay. It’s gay. Straight men don’t have fun that way. You find his cell phone bills and there are calls to gay dating services or sex lines. He says it’s just a joke. Gay. It’s gay. Spending money on gay hotlines is not something a straight man would do. What is wrong with our women? When I tell these stories to my own ex-husband, he laughs. He can’t believe that women are this naïve. We are so desperate to hang on to the cries of denial that we believe anything these men these men tell us. I say “we” because I was once walking in your shoes a long time ago. I wanted to believe that the worst of all possibilities was impossible.
By hanging on to this hope, I lost who “I” was in the marriage and became someone that I no longer recognized. I remember making all kinds of personal compromises in my head every day. Even though the words were never spoken, all the clues and hints were there. The confrontations always ended the same way: “You’re imagining things.” I knew in time that I wasn’t. In the beginning I was able to believe those denials, and in fact, felt relieved when they kept coming. But in time, I had to think with my head instead of with my heart.
What was I able to live with? What was I able to accept? How much could I live with in order to keep my family intact? If my husband disappeared for a few hours every six months and did something I never had to find out about with a consenting adult, I could live with that. I thought I could live with that. I was willing to live with that. I packaged it in my own mind and felt a sigh of relief. I was so ridiculous, wasn’t I? Many of our women try this approach at first because of the fear of losing what they have. I tried to make it feel better by using the word “bisexual.” That was certainly one step up in comfort from “gay.” Bisexual gives women the illusion of hope. Your husband can be happy with a woman or a man; therefore, he can pick you—IF YOU TRY HARD ENOUGH. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing I tried worked in the end because we have NO CONTROL over our husbands’ homosexuality. They have no control over it—so how can we have any control?
Many of our women write and tell me that they live with gay husbands who are controlling. They don’t necessarily start out controlling, but as they grapple with their homosexuality, these men become controlling because they have no control over their sexuality. Some of them are in such fear of the truth coming out that they will isolate you in all kinds of ways. Some will whisk you off to a new home hundreds or thousands of miles away from everything secure and familiar to you. Others will start making demands on your time so that you don’t spend time with friends and family. And still others will make it so uncomfortable for company to come that people will want to stay away. They hope that by isolating you, you will not tell their “secret” based on your knowledge or suspicions. By isolating “you,” you become more dependent on “him.” This is how he keeps you in his darkened closet.
The sad thing is that even when some of these men finally do come out, we are still stuck in that closet. They’ve jolted—we’re stuck. We all go through the same set of emotions ranging from “how could I have been this stupid” to “I can’t tell anyone about this.” Of course it doesn’t help when your husbands warn you “you better not tell anyone about this—especially my family.” That’s when you are now stuck in the situation of continuing to live his lie for him while he is living his gay life and telling the people who know and love you that the marriage didn’t work out for “mutual reasons.” Or some guys go to the next level and come right out and say the marriage didn’t work because of YOU. And you are still “protecting” his secret while he’s defaming you. What’s with that?
I know that change is difficult, but living in a marriage that’s a lie is more difficult. Some of our women lose view of that because they feel paralyzed into inaction. They’ll sooner pop mind altering anti-depressants than take a chance at making a change for the better. How good is a marriage if you have to be medicated to stay in it? Doesn’t this show you that there is a problem?
For the women who are afraid to break up their families because of the children, I say take a chance. Children know when a marriage isn’t happy. They know when you aren’t happy. They are too young to understand why you aren’t happy, especially when they are living in the lie with you. So instead, they start doubting themselves and wondering what they are doing wrong to cause you unhappiness. They blame themselves, no matter how many times you tell them it’s not their fault. They don’t believe you any more than you believe your husbands’ denials. And what about the role model you are setting forth for them? Is this what you want for them in their futures? Do you want them to stay in a marriage that lacks emotional connection and sexual connection? If they see that is acceptable in your marriage, they will think this is what marriage is and repeat it in their own marriages. I also ask my women this question: Do you have a daughter or a sister? If not, a best friend? When they say yes, I ask them if they would want them to be in this kind of a marriage. No one has said yes. So why would any woman want less for herself than for her child, sister, or friend? What sense does this make?
I never compare two people. I left my marriage with two little babies after four years of being beaten down. I only had a GED which I obtained at 26. I went on welfare for 3 years while I snuck to college and raised the children struggling financially every single day. But I had peace of mind that I didn’t have to struggle living in a failing marriage that had no place to go but further down. I put myself in a place where I wouldn’t have to worry about supporting my children any more. I became self-sufficient and independent. There were days when I was falling over with exhaustion. I had a 3 month old with a rare undiagnosed disease at the time. I had a two year old who gave new meaning to the “terrible twos.” And yet, as horrible as it was, it was still better than wondering every time my husband went out the door who he was going to meet and have sex with. It was better than listening to all of the reasons why he didn’t want to have sex with me. And it was better than being in a controlling situation where I had NO control. Yes, it was difficult, but it was BETTER.
Change is a fact of life. People have overcome greater struggles than this. No one says it will be easy—because it’s not. But staying where you are and being paralyzed is not easy either. I know change can take time—but you have to WANT to make a change. And if you are reading this newsletter, there is something within you that is looking to do this. I don’t give you a timeline, but rather a mind-set. You can never by physically free if you’re not emotionally free. You have to have a clear mind to make an escape plan. And some of our women can never escape. They are disabled and dependent for health reasons—but guess what? They are emotionally free which is half the battle—the most important half of it.
Don’t apologize for loving your husband after he turns your life upside down. You can still love a man who has done this to you because there is part of you who understands this is not a real choice. You may hate the way he does it or how he treats you, but that doesn’t mean you can turn off the love button like a faucet. Some women will love their ex-husbands forever. Look, I love mine. Not as a husband, but as a family member. It took years to get to this point, but children often bond people together. Our losing both of our children in 2002 and 2005 bonded us more closely together than before because no one can understand our loss better than each other.
And if you don’t love your gay husband anymore, that’s fine too. Plenty of people break up who are straight couples and life goes on. In fact, 50% of the marriages in the country break up. Guess why? Because they were mistakes or became mistakes. Human nature is never a perfect science or math. People change, they grow, and they grow apart. Life was meant to live, not to accept as a death sentence. When people feel they are dying in a marriage, they end it and move on. Why do we, as wives of gay men, feel the need to hang and cling onto something that wasn’t meant to be in the first place? Why do we have to have proof before we can justify leaving? Why can’t the proof be that you’re just not happy and getting what you deserve out of a marriage?
That brings me back to my first point. We are different. We are loving, caring, hurting women who will try to the end to make something that is broken work. We will linger and wilt in a ridiculous marriage rather than stand up and say, “I don’t want this anymore for myself because I deserve better.” That’s because so many of us feel for so long that we don’t deserve better.
A few closing thoughts:
Allow yourself to have a pity party when you need one. Life dealt you a hand that you never expected or wanted. You don’t have to be brave—give yourself permission to break down once in a while and cry. But then pick yourself up and keep moving ahead.
Most importantly, there is no timeline of gay husband recovery. This situation is not like any other situation where people get divorced. We are dealing with a myriad of issues that straight couples don’t deal with. You have the children and they are going to deal or accept it, the family, the friends, your co-workers, now having to support a family, financial woes, self-esteem issues, sexual esteem issues, trust issues—including trusting yourself—to deal with. You have to watch with your eyes or at least in your head about your husband loving a man—something that was unthinkable to you when it came to your husband—instead of you. In the beginning, you believe that every man you meet is a gay man. Every man is a suspect. After all, you couldn’t tell with your husband, how can you tell with someone else?
You may believe that you will never trust another man again, but we all think that in our early phases of recovery. Recovery takes time, and women who don’t allow themselves that time are doomed to make a mistake again. It doesn’t mean you’ll find another gay man, but you will find plenty of straight predators out there that are looking for vulnerable women like you after this happens. In our need to feel the love that’s been missing for so long, we often jump before we are ready. We compromise again. That’s why it’s not unusual to find women married for a second time in a marriage with a gay man after a marriage with an abusive man. Abuse could include drinking, drugging, sexual addiction, or gambling. When you’re at a low point, this is when you jump into something just to prove to yourself that you are worthy.
You have to get to know who you are again. You have to become strong so you don’t keep making the same mistake in a different form over and over. Learn to love yourself first. You can never truly love a man in the right way if you don’t learn to love yourself. You have to learn that your needs are just as important in a relationship as your man’s needs. Learn to speak up and assert yourself; if not, you’re doomed to find another wrong relationship. Realize you can be COMPLETE without a man. You shouldn’t need a man to make your life—you should want a man to complement your life.
Please be aware that we have read so many “happily after ever again” stories here from straight wives who found their real soulmates after thinking love was a part of their past that would never happen again. I’m one of many success stories, and I keep bragging about it. It’s been 15 years, 4 months and two weeks. We celebrate every month because to me, finding your soulmate is a celebration! After all this time, the passion and love are even stronger than ever! Go figure!
I will end this newsletter with the most profound statement that my dear friend, Viv from Ohio, stated in a recent chat session. These words were so moving that I wish I would have thought of them myself, but I didn’t. But guess what? I haven’t stopped thinking about them and using them since I heard them.
Viv, who was stuck in a very abusive marriage for 25 years but found her freedom couple of years ago, said she figured out:
“When you are living in a situation that you don’t understand and being mistreated, you are a victim. But once you know the truth and you continue to stay in it, you become a volunteer.”
Think about it!
With love to you all, Bonnie Kaye
Friday, March 1, 2002
"LOW SELF-ESTEEM ISSUE." MARCH, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 13
LOW SELF-ESTEEM ISSUE
I can never talk enough about the issue of self-esteem. When I reflect back now, at the age of 50, I can honestly say that I have spent a lifetime building up my own self-esteem. I can trace this back to my early childhood days when I was always the “chubby” girl. Eventually I transitioned from being a chunky teenager to being an obese adult. I have spent my adult years being fat. There have only been short periods of perhaps several years from time to time when I was heavy instead of obese.
When I met my gay husband, I was physically at the best point of my adult life. I had lost over 100 pounds and I was feeling and looking good. My self-esteem and confidence was at a new height. I was NOT desperate when I met him, so I can’t use that as an excuse of why I married a gay man. Like almost all of us, I honestly did not know that he was gay. It’s that simple. He made sure to let me know that he wasn’t by yelling up a storm when I mentioned a friend of mine suspected that he may be “bisexual.” I remember that feeling of total relief when he stood up in the middle of the restaurant and nearly turned the table over in sheer anger. Ah, the man was protesting—and it couldn’t be nearly enough--forget too much.
Why would I even think he was gay? He was tall, athletic, very handsome and extremely charming. We had sex in those early days. It wasn’t the best sex, but it wasn’t that bad either. I had worse in the previous years, and I believe that all of them weren’t gay.
My ex-husband married me because he loved me and wanted to have all of the things that straight men had. And in his mind, at that time, he was NOT gay. Yes, he had gay sex. Yes, he had a string of sexual encounters with men before we married. But in his mind, he believed that he was straight because there was no emotional commitment to these men. He enjoyed women and dated his fair share of them. And he believed that sexually he could pull it off as long as he loved someone enough. Through the years, I have come to terms with the fact that most of these gay men really don’t believe in their hearts that they are gay when they marry us. They can have gay sex galore, but they are not gay in their minds. They don’t even view themselves as Bisexual, just straight men dabbling with same sex encounters. Go figure.
Getting back on track here, I married a man who was mentally abusive to me. Not all gay husbands take this route, but many of them do. They are frustrated with life because they are living a lie, and the one they lash out at is the one responsible for living this lie in their minds—namely, us. Yes, I know it makes no sense at all, but that’s just the way it is. Even though my self-esteem was quite high when I got married, it didn’t take long for it to get battered back into oblivion within a relatively short amount of time. I was on a temporary high when I met my husband. I was feeling good about myself for the first time in my 28 years of life. I had not even had two solid years of good feelings about myself before this marriage. That means that I had numerous years of personal insecurity, loneliness, poor self-image, and peer-inflicted pain scars from adolescence that carried over into adulthood.
I was the girl who was picked last to be on whatever sports team that gym class played on any given day. I lacked the motor coordination to be an effective sportswoman, and my excess weight slowed down my athletic abilities. It was pretty heartbreaking and humiliating knowing that you would always be the last or almost last person picked. I was the girl who never got asked to dances or proms. I was the girl who didn’t have dates on the weekend because the guys I wanted didn’t want me. They wanted the pretty cheerleaders or the girls who radiated confidence. I was the girl who fell in love so often but always had her heart broken time after time when some girl who was prettier, thinner, or more graceful crossed my path. Ultimately, I was the girl who got left out. There were so many of us when I was growing up, but that didn’t make me feel any better. I wanted so badly to be someone worth loving, but that didn’t seem within my reach.
For that reason, I made poor choices in relationships from early in the game. I just wanted to be wanted to badly, that I was willing to “settle” for guys, later men, who were not worthy of having a relationship with anyone. They were men who had value systems that were different than mine, but yet, my desperation kept me moving in their direction because they seemed more obtainable.
In my mid-twenties, I was nearly 270 pounds and at five feet tall, I wasn’t long for the world. I began to care about living after having extensive chest pains, and started to lose weight. First I lost it in a healthy manner; then I developed an eating disorder when the healthy way just stopped working very well. Within 18 months, I lost approximately 130 pounds so I was feeling quite good about myself. I was never thin, but I was looking good, feeling good, and doing quite well in life. I was very vain at that point, and that was fine too. It was time for me to finally feel good about myself. Professionally, I was where I wanted to be, and personally, I was testing out the waters and looking for the right somebody to love.
Maybe if I had married a wonderful supportive man, my self-esteem building process would have continued on an upward trend. But instead, I found a man who was down right cruel who used to find great pleasure in knocking me down whenever I dared to stand up to question any of his unusual behaviors. This was his way of fighting back. My ex wasn’t really a bad man, he was just a sad man. He was sad because his life was falling apart being married to me. He was lying all over the place to cover his tracks, and every time I would uncover just one little crack, he became so angry. He was trying to tie that web of lies together but I seemed to be untangling them faster than he could tie them.
Rather than accept responsibility for his misactions, my ex would yell and scream about my inadequacies. He would magnify every molehill into a mountain when it came to my imperfections, making me believe that I was the awkward, gawky, overweight teenager all over again. I didn’t have enough “ self-confidence” time accumulated to make me believe differently. After a while, I bought into all of the lies that my husband kept telling me about me as he shredded away the few good years of feeling good and reverted me back to my original form of feeling inadequate.
And so once again, I found my comfort in food and started putting back my weight, one pound at a time. When I became pregnant, I looked at it as a license to eat all I wanted because the weight would come off after the baby was born. That’s what people kept telling me. I did gain 70 pounds during those months feasting on Baskin Robbins ice cream daily by the gallon. When my premature daughter was born and weighed less than five pounds, that’s what came off my body. And although in time I was able to take off half that amount gained, I regained it when I was pregnant with my son. I was once again a fat woman.
When my husband told me that he couldn’t make love to me because I was too fat, well, that seemed reasonable to me. At that point, I didn’t think much of myself so why would I expect a man to think much of me? It sounded so logical and made so much sense.
I say this first of all because I receive letters from so many women who write to me and tell me that they are 20, 40, 60, 80, or 100 pounds overweight. They didn’t start out that way in their marriage for the most part, but ended up that way due to frustration. Some of them had childhoods like mine where weight was a factor, but many of them never had a weight problem until during the marriage. They usually throw into their letters that marriage caused them to overeat because there was nothing else giving them much satisfaction on the home front. And as they gained weight,
I am sure that their husbands secretly cheered on the weight gain because now they had a new reason to retreat in the bedroom—namely, fat. Now fat became the natural enemy and justification for lack of passion, as if there was ever much passion to start with. Like my husband told me shortly before we split up, “Who would ever want to sleep with someone who looked like you? Have you looked at yourself lately in a mirror? If I became gay, who could blame me?” OUCH, with all capital letters. There were lots of tears that flowed from my eyes after that conversation. My ex had a wonderful talent for destroying any residual good feelings I had left from days of old. There was nothing left by the time he was done with me except a sense of survival—to find a way to survive without him in my life.
When I first started my local support group, the first two women who joined were also fat. I will not cover up that word and make it into something that it’s not. I don’t use that word to be insulting, but rather to be honest. I don’t need a bunch of “feel good” words about what I am. I feel good about myself now even if I am fat. It’s amazing what a wonderful straight man can do for your sense of self-worth. My soulmate hasn’t noticed the weight gain I’ve made over the eight plus years we’ve been together. He still thinks I’m beautiful and makes me feel that way about myself.
But, getting back to the point, I thought at first it must be a thing that women of weight encounter because my first two group members were big women. But after that, I was shocked to find how many thin women who were beautiful, attractive, and graceful women by society’s standards were in the same situation. As many of you know from my book, I still have my theories on the prototype of woman that a gay man seeks out when he wants to get married. One of the prototypes is a woman with low self-esteem. There are so many of us and we are all such easy targets. However, what I learned is that self-esteem is often something that women have within themselves from what’s going on inside, not outside.
I recently corresponded with a lovely woman who read my book last year. She thanked me for giving her the key to the problem in her life. She is an airline stewardess who is viewed by men as beautiful. And yet, after nine years with her hands-off husband, she felt as deflated as the rest of us. She has now moved on in her life and feels wonderful about it. I hear from many women just like this-- women who have never had self-esteem issues over their looks. Over this year alone, I have worked with three models, two in New York and one in California who certainly didn’t have a problem with their physical appearance. And yet, all of their external physical beauty didn’t help them feel beautiful inside. Within this same time frame, I have helped women who were doctors, lawyers, nurses, stockbrokers, professors at universities, a CEO in a Fortune 500 company, and a Broadway actress. Certainly they had accomplished enough in their professional lives to be admired by the masses for their intelligence and status. And yet, they felt just as horrible about themselves as I used to feel about myself. It seems as if having a gay husband is the great equalizer among women of all sizes, shapes, colors, professions, economic situations and societal boundaries.
I guess what I’m getting to is simply this. If the beautiful women who had high self-esteem throughout their lives can fall into this dark and lonely hole, what chance do women like me--who by society’s standards have imperfections creating emotional baggage--have? If a woman who held her head high all of her life can have hers chopped off the block, why would I expect mine not to be in the same pile only squashed down a little more?
I talk about this because women write to me constantly looking for excuses of why their gay husbands may have been turned off to them. They write about their torment of how hard they tried to be better wives by dieting which sometimes led to eating disorders, having breast implants, liposuction, plastic surgery, changes in hair color, and so many other things to try to physically change their husbands’ desire for them. It’s almost as if they are still apologizing or looking for reasons why they were at fault. And their pain becomes my pain. I hurt for every woman who has to spend one extra minute not feeling good about herself because she has failed with her gay husband.
In my last newsletter, I wrote about the long awaited conversation that I had with my ex-husband that brought closure to our misunderstandings. I think that these are the feelings that our gay husbands and ex-husbands have to know and understand. It’s not just the superficial damage or the obvious problems that result from these mismarriages. It’s the internal damage and scaring that they just don’t have a clue about.
I can forgive any gay husband for being gay. That is not a conscientious decision, nor is marriage a calculated move of deceit to punish some loving woman. And I acknowledge how difficult it is for gay men to come to terms with their homosexuality during a marriage. However, what I can’t forgive is the cruelty that they display to their wives while going through their own hardships. And even when they are able to be honest and move on in their lives, they somehow lack the understanding of what we are left to deal with. They feel we should just be able to “get over it” as if we can walk away from the damaging years unscathed. Well, we can’t and we don’t. And perhaps when they can recognize this and try to undo some of the damage that they caused, a better understanding will come about between wives and gay husbands or ex-husbands. There is great comfort in knowing that your gay man understands that the hurt goes much deeper than just superficial cutting. And when he can comprehend that and tell you that he is sorry for the internal damage he has done to you, then you will finally be able to start to heal—and even start to forgive.
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I can never talk enough about the issue of self-esteem. When I reflect back now, at the age of 50, I can honestly say that I have spent a lifetime building up my own self-esteem. I can trace this back to my early childhood days when I was always the “chubby” girl. Eventually I transitioned from being a chunky teenager to being an obese adult. I have spent my adult years being fat. There have only been short periods of perhaps several years from time to time when I was heavy instead of obese.
When I met my gay husband, I was physically at the best point of my adult life. I had lost over 100 pounds and I was feeling and looking good. My self-esteem and confidence was at a new height. I was NOT desperate when I met him, so I can’t use that as an excuse of why I married a gay man. Like almost all of us, I honestly did not know that he was gay. It’s that simple. He made sure to let me know that he wasn’t by yelling up a storm when I mentioned a friend of mine suspected that he may be “bisexual.” I remember that feeling of total relief when he stood up in the middle of the restaurant and nearly turned the table over in sheer anger. Ah, the man was protesting—and it couldn’t be nearly enough--forget too much.
Why would I even think he was gay? He was tall, athletic, very handsome and extremely charming. We had sex in those early days. It wasn’t the best sex, but it wasn’t that bad either. I had worse in the previous years, and I believe that all of them weren’t gay.
My ex-husband married me because he loved me and wanted to have all of the things that straight men had. And in his mind, at that time, he was NOT gay. Yes, he had gay sex. Yes, he had a string of sexual encounters with men before we married. But in his mind, he believed that he was straight because there was no emotional commitment to these men. He enjoyed women and dated his fair share of them. And he believed that sexually he could pull it off as long as he loved someone enough. Through the years, I have come to terms with the fact that most of these gay men really don’t believe in their hearts that they are gay when they marry us. They can have gay sex galore, but they are not gay in their minds. They don’t even view themselves as Bisexual, just straight men dabbling with same sex encounters. Go figure.
Getting back on track here, I married a man who was mentally abusive to me. Not all gay husbands take this route, but many of them do. They are frustrated with life because they are living a lie, and the one they lash out at is the one responsible for living this lie in their minds—namely, us. Yes, I know it makes no sense at all, but that’s just the way it is. Even though my self-esteem was quite high when I got married, it didn’t take long for it to get battered back into oblivion within a relatively short amount of time. I was on a temporary high when I met my husband. I was feeling good about myself for the first time in my 28 years of life. I had not even had two solid years of good feelings about myself before this marriage. That means that I had numerous years of personal insecurity, loneliness, poor self-image, and peer-inflicted pain scars from adolescence that carried over into adulthood.
I was the girl who was picked last to be on whatever sports team that gym class played on any given day. I lacked the motor coordination to be an effective sportswoman, and my excess weight slowed down my athletic abilities. It was pretty heartbreaking and humiliating knowing that you would always be the last or almost last person picked. I was the girl who never got asked to dances or proms. I was the girl who didn’t have dates on the weekend because the guys I wanted didn’t want me. They wanted the pretty cheerleaders or the girls who radiated confidence. I was the girl who fell in love so often but always had her heart broken time after time when some girl who was prettier, thinner, or more graceful crossed my path. Ultimately, I was the girl who got left out. There were so many of us when I was growing up, but that didn’t make me feel any better. I wanted so badly to be someone worth loving, but that didn’t seem within my reach.
For that reason, I made poor choices in relationships from early in the game. I just wanted to be wanted to badly, that I was willing to “settle” for guys, later men, who were not worthy of having a relationship with anyone. They were men who had value systems that were different than mine, but yet, my desperation kept me moving in their direction because they seemed more obtainable.
In my mid-twenties, I was nearly 270 pounds and at five feet tall, I wasn’t long for the world. I began to care about living after having extensive chest pains, and started to lose weight. First I lost it in a healthy manner; then I developed an eating disorder when the healthy way just stopped working very well. Within 18 months, I lost approximately 130 pounds so I was feeling quite good about myself. I was never thin, but I was looking good, feeling good, and doing quite well in life. I was very vain at that point, and that was fine too. It was time for me to finally feel good about myself. Professionally, I was where I wanted to be, and personally, I was testing out the waters and looking for the right somebody to love.
Maybe if I had married a wonderful supportive man, my self-esteem building process would have continued on an upward trend. But instead, I found a man who was down right cruel who used to find great pleasure in knocking me down whenever I dared to stand up to question any of his unusual behaviors. This was his way of fighting back. My ex wasn’t really a bad man, he was just a sad man. He was sad because his life was falling apart being married to me. He was lying all over the place to cover his tracks, and every time I would uncover just one little crack, he became so angry. He was trying to tie that web of lies together but I seemed to be untangling them faster than he could tie them.
Rather than accept responsibility for his misactions, my ex would yell and scream about my inadequacies. He would magnify every molehill into a mountain when it came to my imperfections, making me believe that I was the awkward, gawky, overweight teenager all over again. I didn’t have enough “ self-confidence” time accumulated to make me believe differently. After a while, I bought into all of the lies that my husband kept telling me about me as he shredded away the few good years of feeling good and reverted me back to my original form of feeling inadequate.
And so once again, I found my comfort in food and started putting back my weight, one pound at a time. When I became pregnant, I looked at it as a license to eat all I wanted because the weight would come off after the baby was born. That’s what people kept telling me. I did gain 70 pounds during those months feasting on Baskin Robbins ice cream daily by the gallon. When my premature daughter was born and weighed less than five pounds, that’s what came off my body. And although in time I was able to take off half that amount gained, I regained it when I was pregnant with my son. I was once again a fat woman.
When my husband told me that he couldn’t make love to me because I was too fat, well, that seemed reasonable to me. At that point, I didn’t think much of myself so why would I expect a man to think much of me? It sounded so logical and made so much sense.
I say this first of all because I receive letters from so many women who write to me and tell me that they are 20, 40, 60, 80, or 100 pounds overweight. They didn’t start out that way in their marriage for the most part, but ended up that way due to frustration. Some of them had childhoods like mine where weight was a factor, but many of them never had a weight problem until during the marriage. They usually throw into their letters that marriage caused them to overeat because there was nothing else giving them much satisfaction on the home front. And as they gained weight,
I am sure that their husbands secretly cheered on the weight gain because now they had a new reason to retreat in the bedroom—namely, fat. Now fat became the natural enemy and justification for lack of passion, as if there was ever much passion to start with. Like my husband told me shortly before we split up, “Who would ever want to sleep with someone who looked like you? Have you looked at yourself lately in a mirror? If I became gay, who could blame me?” OUCH, with all capital letters. There were lots of tears that flowed from my eyes after that conversation. My ex had a wonderful talent for destroying any residual good feelings I had left from days of old. There was nothing left by the time he was done with me except a sense of survival—to find a way to survive without him in my life.
When I first started my local support group, the first two women who joined were also fat. I will not cover up that word and make it into something that it’s not. I don’t use that word to be insulting, but rather to be honest. I don’t need a bunch of “feel good” words about what I am. I feel good about myself now even if I am fat. It’s amazing what a wonderful straight man can do for your sense of self-worth. My soulmate hasn’t noticed the weight gain I’ve made over the eight plus years we’ve been together. He still thinks I’m beautiful and makes me feel that way about myself.
But, getting back to the point, I thought at first it must be a thing that women of weight encounter because my first two group members were big women. But after that, I was shocked to find how many thin women who were beautiful, attractive, and graceful women by society’s standards were in the same situation. As many of you know from my book, I still have my theories on the prototype of woman that a gay man seeks out when he wants to get married. One of the prototypes is a woman with low self-esteem. There are so many of us and we are all such easy targets. However, what I learned is that self-esteem is often something that women have within themselves from what’s going on inside, not outside.
I recently corresponded with a lovely woman who read my book last year. She thanked me for giving her the key to the problem in her life. She is an airline stewardess who is viewed by men as beautiful. And yet, after nine years with her hands-off husband, she felt as deflated as the rest of us. She has now moved on in her life and feels wonderful about it. I hear from many women just like this-- women who have never had self-esteem issues over their looks. Over this year alone, I have worked with three models, two in New York and one in California who certainly didn’t have a problem with their physical appearance. And yet, all of their external physical beauty didn’t help them feel beautiful inside. Within this same time frame, I have helped women who were doctors, lawyers, nurses, stockbrokers, professors at universities, a CEO in a Fortune 500 company, and a Broadway actress. Certainly they had accomplished enough in their professional lives to be admired by the masses for their intelligence and status. And yet, they felt just as horrible about themselves as I used to feel about myself. It seems as if having a gay husband is the great equalizer among women of all sizes, shapes, colors, professions, economic situations and societal boundaries.
I guess what I’m getting to is simply this. If the beautiful women who had high self-esteem throughout their lives can fall into this dark and lonely hole, what chance do women like me--who by society’s standards have imperfections creating emotional baggage--have? If a woman who held her head high all of her life can have hers chopped off the block, why would I expect mine not to be in the same pile only squashed down a little more?
I talk about this because women write to me constantly looking for excuses of why their gay husbands may have been turned off to them. They write about their torment of how hard they tried to be better wives by dieting which sometimes led to eating disorders, having breast implants, liposuction, plastic surgery, changes in hair color, and so many other things to try to physically change their husbands’ desire for them. It’s almost as if they are still apologizing or looking for reasons why they were at fault. And their pain becomes my pain. I hurt for every woman who has to spend one extra minute not feeling good about herself because she has failed with her gay husband.
In my last newsletter, I wrote about the long awaited conversation that I had with my ex-husband that brought closure to our misunderstandings. I think that these are the feelings that our gay husbands and ex-husbands have to know and understand. It’s not just the superficial damage or the obvious problems that result from these mismarriages. It’s the internal damage and scaring that they just don’t have a clue about.
I can forgive any gay husband for being gay. That is not a conscientious decision, nor is marriage a calculated move of deceit to punish some loving woman. And I acknowledge how difficult it is for gay men to come to terms with their homosexuality during a marriage. However, what I can’t forgive is the cruelty that they display to their wives while going through their own hardships. And even when they are able to be honest and move on in their lives, they somehow lack the understanding of what we are left to deal with. They feel we should just be able to “get over it” as if we can walk away from the damaging years unscathed. Well, we can’t and we don’t. And perhaps when they can recognize this and try to undo some of the damage that they caused, a better understanding will come about between wives and gay husbands or ex-husbands. There is great comfort in knowing that your gay man understands that the hurt goes much deeper than just superficial cutting. And when he can comprehend that and tell you that he is sorry for the internal damage he has done to you, then you will finally be able to start to heal—and even start to forgive.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
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