JANUARY 2009 NEWSLETTER

BISEXUALITY/GAY HUSBAND WAKE-UP CALL TO MY WOMEN
Allow me to wish a Happy New Year to my friends who read this newsletter faithfully. Almost all of the over 7,000 monthly readers on this list are looking for an escape route from their marriages or in the process of gay husband recovery after the marriage. Of course, there are some wonderful gay men who contribute to this letter as well and support our women in understanding the dynamics of this most unique and difficult situation.

In this newsletter, I would like to address those of you who may be living in the secrecy of your husbands’/ex-husbands’ closets about the world of reality. Some of you are still playing detectives trying to find “proof” that you’ll never find so you’ll always have self doubt. Some of you feel ashamed to think that you are doubtful of your husbands’ stories of “I know I’m gay even though I’ve never had a gay experience,” believing that they would never cheat on you during the course of marriage. These feelings of shame lead to your feeling guilty when the marriage ends, when in fact you have nothing to feel guilty about. Some of you still internalize that you were to blame that your husband chose men over you because you weren’t loving enough, supportive enough, attractive enough, thin enough, exciting enough, overbearing, over sexual, over demanding, overly critical etc. etc. etc.
So, now, to put things in a REAL perspective, I am going to share with you some recent letters from the bi/gay married men’s posting board. These were generously shared by one of our support group members in her research to accept her husband’s sexual behavior.

A lot of women can’t understand how their husbands can be gay if they were having sexual relationships with them. And some of our women swear to me the sex was great and satisfying to them. And guess what? I believe them. But as soon as their husbands crossed to the other side of their sexuality wanting a penis in any shape or form, and as soon as they started acting on it, they were having GAY sex. I tell women that gay men can perform sex with their wives. I’ve had gay men tell me they can enjoy sex with their wives, but they still wanted sex with a man. That means they wanted gay sex. Perhaps that’s the reason why they tried so much harder to have sex with their wives—so they could justify in their own minds that they are NOT GAY—they are BISEXUAL. As long as you can say you are Bisexual, there’s no need to have to admit that you are gay.

The straight wife provides a cloak of credibility for gay men who are caught in between two worlds. They need the safety and comfort of a wife and family, but they still want their men for sex. They don’t necessarily feel that one thing has anything to do with the other. As long as they are good providers, good fathers, and what they think are good husbands, they can live in their world of denial. It’s amazing what a gay man thinks being a good husband means. But the fact that they don’t understand doesn’t surprise me because they are not straight nor can they think the way a straight man thinks about a relationship with a woman.
They are doing the best they can do as a gay husband, but that’s not what we as straight women need. We don’t need our husbands fantasizing about men, wishing that we were men instead of women, pushing us to try all kinds of sexual behavior that is uncomfortable or repulsive to us to try to satisfy that need, or watching gay porno to get sexually stimulated in order to have sex with us. And in almost all cases where these “bisexual” men are having sex with their wives or girlfriends—it’s just that—having sex. It’s not making love with lust, desire, and passion. It’s “performing” their husbandly duty as the price they feel they have to pay to keep the marriage together.

This is not to say they don’t love us, because in most cases, they do. But it’s not the kind of love that can make a fulfilling marriage for either party. No marriage based on a lie can do that. There’s always a pull from the husband who has to keep covering up his tracks and trying to pretend to be someone who he is not. So now I’ll let you read some of these letters to put things in a perspective for you.
I have decided not to publish the email addresses of these men since these letters were not meant to be shared. However, if any of you believe you are married to any of these men, let me know and I will help you find out. I am leaving their first names in tack.

This session started with Craig posting a question at the end of December to members of the group.

Craig asked this question:

I have a question to those who have come out to their wives – whether on purpose, or through some unfortunate incident where stuff was accidentally revealed. My question is: Do you regret it???

I am considering coming out to my wife and leaving her for another man (I am 28, married for 7 years; and a 2 year old daughter) but want to know whether others have regretted their decisions.

Thanks guys.Here are just a few of the dozens of answers that were posted. I’ve italicized some of the main points, and I give my comments at the end.

From Jeff:

I feel exactly the same way as you, and I am currently working on separating from my wife (25 years). It is the perfect time for me. I will not reveal anything about my "gay" side until way after the divorce and time alone. I don't want this to be the reason for our divorce. The divorce will be a mutual decision, and a mutual break. My kids are adults and are both finishing up their college education (4th and 5th year).

I've had feelings and longings for men ever since I was a teenager (I'm now 48), but never acted upon them until 2 years ago. I've had affairs, I've had hook-ups, I've had a "regular" buddy for 8 months. I ache to continue the passion and the feelings that I get from a male-to-male relationship – something that I really never felt with a woman. However, I've also been responsible, raised my kids, supported my family, and done all those things that a "Man" is supposed to do. I'm tired of living someone else's idea of what my life is supposed to be. I believe that it is time for me to "discover who I am". And I'm going to take the time to discover that about myself. That may sound selfish, but it's what I need now. Will I ever be in a committed relationship again (with a man)? I don't know yet. While I'd like to think that I will, time will tell. I may really like being independent. Thanks for allowing me to share.

Comments: The selfish part is not that this man has to be honest and lead his life after 25 years of marriage. The selfish part is that he won’t tell his wife the reason for the end of the marriage, making her feel she has some responsibility for it ending. Gay men don’t always think that telling the truth is the way to go when the marriage is ending because it would only “confuse the issue.” Whatever.

From Ron:

I am currently in the process of separating from my wife. I have chosen not to come out of the closet as it will only hurt her and complicate things with my son and family and friends. Although I care about the well being of my wife and do love her on some level, I am now mature enough to realize that I seek passion from other outlets than just her.

I will not ever admit to any infidelity to her as I know she will use it against me. I know my wife and her insecurities and jealousies. Currently, we are in therapy and I'm trying to figure out a way to separate from her in a friendly manner.

I asked myself what's the advantage to coming out. For me, it would allow me to feel better about myself, and remove those feelings of guilt. I could not determine any advantage for my wife. It would only equip her with stuff to use against me.

I want to separate as I feel as if I've put myself in prison. I am tired of living the lies, and sneaking around on my wife. I want to be free to be with whomever I want, when I want. Living with my wife, I would not have that freedom. I could still call her for dinner on occasion, if the desire ever returns. Right now, I just feel the need to free myself and pursue the other interests that currently intrigue me.

I can't ever see coming out of the closet as it's really nobody's business. I also can't see getting married or even living with anyone again. I think I like being solo and having options available to me. Marriage is just not for me. I want to be a free agent and play the field.

Comments: His wife has insecurities and jealousies. Is it any wonder? He is cheating on her and yet blaming her for feeling insecure. And of course, why “complicate” things with the truth?
From Paul

I'm reading all these emails and am always amazed at what we all have in common. I have been married 36 years, have two grown children and have been attracted to men all my life. I had a three-night stand with a man about 9 years ago and ended up telling my wife in counseling that I was bisexual and had been with this man. She took it hard but we decided to stay together and I told her it wouldn't happen again. But, as most of you know, this feeling never goes away. We have had a rocky marriage for many years now and, in the process, a year-and-a-half ago, I met a man 23 years younger than me and we started seeing each other. We got caught walking together one night by my wife, after seeing him for about six months, and I told her I had fallen in love with him. I said I wouldn't see him again, but we couldn't give each other up and fell very much in love with each other. She now knows that we have continued seeing each other and my wife and I have talked about divorce. I am ready for it, but I don't really think she is. He has committed himself to me and I to him, so now we are trying to work out all the details of ending my marriage and starting together. By the way, this man has never dated or been with people his age. He has only been attracted to older men and feels more comfortable with them. He is faithful, committed and very loving and caring and wants to have a life with me as I do him. I am not sure how all this will play out but I also want a life with him. I have never loved or cared about anyone as I do him. It has just taken me many years to realize that this is what I need in my life. I will keep you posted as this plays out as to what happens, but I just feel like I need to have some years of happiness and being with someone who treats me like they actually love me. I haven't felt that from my wife for years and sexually, we are not together at all. I need that intimacy in my life and my friend gives me that plus a lot more. Keep me in your prayers that all will work out for the best for everyone. Ken

Comments: Once again, justifying the “rocky marriage” as the cause of the divorce and cheating, not the fact that he is gay. Wasn’t his wife also faithful, committed, and very loving and caring in spite of the fact that she knew about his cheating on her for years? And of course, he told her it would never happen again—just like some of your husbands.

From: Frank

Hi guys I am also new to the group. It is nice to know that I am not alone, because I feel really alone. I am 51 years old and have been married over 25 years. I only had one real "lover" who was my best friend through high school and a few years after. He moved away got married, then moved not too far away. I tried to re-establish my relationship with him, he freaked out, told his wife, and said he never wanted to hear from me again. I really think I could have been satisfied seeing him maybe 3 times a year, like staying the night together, having a heart to heart talk and getting f..ked by him, really think my life could have been complete like this.

I am not really the type for quick sex with someone I don't know. Just wish I could find somebody to love without leaving my wife. She does not know about my feelings. I am sure in my heart that she could never understand how I feel, or the fact that my feelings for guys have nothing to do with her. Our sons are older and gone now and I feel a lot of resentment toward my wife. Not really sure why, I don't think it is her fault. Feel like I am the maintenance man. I also work 6 days a week to support us, she does not work outside the home. The older I get the more I resent being the only wage earner in the family.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Comments: This man is lost. Semi-casual sex with a man could make him happy enough to stay in his marriage. Of course, his wife doesn’t have a clue about his feelings. He feels a lot of resentment towards his wife, but he refuses to admit it’s because he’s gay, and instead blames it on being the worker in the family.

From Tom

Man does this sound familiar. I am a 56, married white male who fought those inner desires for many, many years. Finally about 12 years ago I decided to act on those feelings and "get it out of my system". As they say, the rest is history. My wife and I also have not been intimate in 6 years
Comments: Does his wife have any clue why he is no longer intimate with him? Most likely, she feels there is something wrong with her from his sexual rejection.

From Chaz:

Thanks for allowing me to join the group! I am 54 years old, married to the same woman for 33+ years, with two grown children (both boys, and apparently both straight). Wife and I have had no sex for the last 4 years - she is no longer interested. I have had desires for men as early in life as I can remember. Married when I was 20 (two months away from 21) hoping that the desire for men would go away - it only subsided for a short time. I have been 'fairly' active with men all through my marriage, and now that there is no sex at home, my desires have only increased. My wife may suspect, I don't know...she did "sneak up" behind me one night when I was looking at gay porn on the Internet, and we went through a period of about two weeks of "hell", but we worked everything out and enjoyed a few more years of sex after that. Now most of my "sex life" consists of memberships in gay/bi video groups, and occasionally meeting with a male buddy of mine for some human touch and sexual release. The "guilt factor" is still somewhat there, but I have for the most part, learned to accept that "this is who I am, and this is the way I am". Once I accepted that, I felt a great weight had been lifted from me. Thanks for letting me join and introduce myself.

Comments: Here’s a man who was active with men throughout his marriage. And now he is blaming his lack of sex life on the fact that the wife is no longer interested after finding him with gay porno. Isn’t this typical of gay men who can’t take responsibility for the fact that their wives no longer want to have sex with them when they know? I’m sure in the two years of their continued sex life, she was working hard to try to distract him from those thoughts and was clueless to his acting on them constantly. Most likely she did know and didn’t want to continue living his farce.

By Anonymous:
…and talking about genital warts... I just had a few frozen off (liquid nitrogen done at a dermatologist) from my scrotum and the base of my penis.

So I have HPV in my body now. Whether I got it from the many encounters I had, or from my current lover (who claimed he had had very little encounters with men), I wouldn't know. That's the scary thing about HPV...

Have I told my lover? No... not yet. I really don't know how to, so I am just avoiding seeing him/having sex with him when my little scars are healing up.

I'm just praying hard that I had not passed it to my wife and to him and him to his wife. But, really, we will never know who got it first and from whom.

Our commitment to each other is we will stay exclusive to each other in our friendship. But damn, I have had a few flings. Safe stuff. But again...I "cheated", and whether I got HPV from those few flings or from other encounters before... I would never know.

Comments: This guy is ALL ABOUT HIM. Really—all about him. It’s nice that he threw in the afterthought that he hopes he didn’t pass this on to his wife and his lover’s wife. Nice guy, huh?

From Alan in the UK:

Where young children are involved, don't come out - stick with it! At 28 you still have a long life ahead of you. When they are grown up and should have flown the nest then see how the land lies.

In the experience I have just gone through, my 2 daughters are 28 and 26 and old enough to make up their own minds about what has happened. With a child of 2 it is a very different situation. I accept that children these days seem to accept such changes in their lives readily. Should we make them accept those changes at such a young age for our own selfish means? I use the word "selfish" carefully - with having been married 7 years and waiting (or being forced to wait) 5 years for a child is it not a little bit selfish to want a different life now. If you wait 10 to 15 years you will only be in your mid 40s and still acceptable / attractive to a lot of guys. She will then be 12 - 17 and much better equipped to face life with parents who are separated. I vote "No" to coming out and to divorce in your circumstances.
Hope this helps.
Alan

Comments: Of course Alan feels that “being honest” is not the route to go with young children—at least with his wife. And the good news is if Craig waits 10 to 15 years, he’ll still be attractive to a lot of guys which should encourage him to keep living his lie. And best of all, kids of 12 – 17 are better equipped to face life with parents who are separated. Where does the wife enter this picture at all? Oh, she’s just the caretaker of the family who can be easily disposed of in enough time to give Craig some still attractive years of his life to be with gay men.

Response from Brian A.:

I told my wife before we were married. That was a mistake. She will tell you she was glad I shared, but I sincerely think some things are better left unsaid. Forgive me if it sounds chauvinist, but I think women, regardless of age, still harbor fantasies of being swept up by manly men on white horses, and somehow dick s..king just doesn't figure into that picture.

I don't regret being bisexual or acting on it, but I do regret telling my wife.
Also women tend to share with friends or family when they're hurt. If you do tell, you need to be ready to have to explain your decision to whoever she decides to share your story with.
Just don't.

Comments: I’m not sure about the fantasies that women harbor, but I know the fantasy is not about her husband having sex with men. Even when women are “told” before marriage, they don’t understand. They believe their husbands made a choice—and the choice was them. As you can see, it is not.

For those who are concerned about the church men, here is a letter from Ken venting:

I had a one night stand (actually about 3 nights) about 8 1/2 years ago. He was a great guy and had a young son. We stayed in touch for about 5-6 months and that is when I came out to my wife. I told her about him as I wanted to be totally honest and up-front. What a huge mistake! Since I came out to her and told her about him and my other male-to-male relationships before and after marriage, she has use all that against me. Unfortunately, I am a pastor, which I am committed to, but she has threatened me many times to turn me in to the congregation and the bishop. Actually, I am leaving my church as they are going broke, so don't know what the future will bring me.

About a year and a half ago, I met a man online who is over 20 years younger than me and we have been seeing each other off and on for that time. Fortunately, for me, he only is attracted to men older than him. And he knows I have no money so that is not the attraction. He is a wonderful man and is caring, loving, protective, compassionate, sharing - all the things I would look for in a relationship, but haven't had in my marriage. Plus he is very masculine and good-looking which are not essential attributes, but certainly good ones.

My wife is aware of him and has made threats to me concerning him. Again, like turning me into the congregation or the hierarchy. But I am done with all that. We, at least I, have decided to divorce my wife rather than keep living a lie and living under her threats and conditions. She is constantly threatening me, name-calling, accusing me of things I have never done, etc. It has become a daily routine and one which I can no longer handle. So I am planning on getting a mediator to help us divide up what few assets we have left and to end this life of misery. I know divorce is not always right and I especially know that adultery is wrong, but I need to feel that my life is worth something and that I am not really the scum of the earth as I have been told. I hate hurting anyone, but I need to be happy in my life.

Comments: Isn’t his wife a nagging witch? She has some nerve threatening him just because he continues to cheat on her. And this is a man of God, right?

After the overwhelming flow of answers, of which I have reprinted only a handful, this was Craig’s decision on January 7, 2009:

Thanks. I'm overwhelmed by the majority of responses that tell me to stick with it. This speaks volumes to me - I feel so ill equipped to make such a decision at such an early stage in my life so sincerely appreciate the advice. I think maintaining the status quo is the best answer - but I still have to get over my emotional link with the guy involved, and so does he.

And so, here is another potential member of our group years down the line who has no idea what she is facing in her marriage in the years ahead.
Bottom line—these are the most selfish guys that I can ever imagine. They take no responsibility for the unhappiness or anger of their wives; rather than look inwardly, they look to place the blame everywhere else. They have no courage to take responsibility for their actions; rather they look to protect themselves rather than love their wives enough to be honest with them about their extracurricular activities.
For those of you who are still sitting on the fence wondering when you will find “proof” or the get the “truth” rather than denials from your husbands/ex-husbands, let this be a lesson to you.
There are dozens of online groups for married gay men. Any time you have any doubts about your own husband, start reading their posts and you’ll gain a sense of reality of what you are up against. These men all support each other with the same dishonest advice of keeping it a secret and never telling you. It is a conspiracy, for sure, that you will always face. Wake up and realize you can’t get a confession out of these men. Save yourselves so you don’t have to end up with an STD that will remind you for life of the mistake you made.

FROM THE MAILBAG:

Dear Bonnie,
I have a question for you...can you give me any tips on where I might find information about domestic violence suffered by women who are married to gay men? Or criminal activity perpetrated by gay husbands who fear being outted or whose lovers threaten to leave them if they don't come out?
Thanks, S.

Response: Although I don’t think this frequently happens, we have had reports in our support chat about several acts of violence. If you would like to address this, please send m your note for next month.

I always like to end on a happy note filled with hope for your futures. Here’s a lovely letter from one of our readers:

Hi Bonnie,
My 3 year marriage crumbled due to a gay husband and I divorced 3 years ago. It was a very difficult time for me. My life is not perfect now, but it is better than it was. I'm grateful to have a career, family and friends.
I re-started my career, did some traveling and met plenty of other people You only get one life that I know of. So, don't waste another minute being miserable with these gay men when you can choose to have better chance at life and happiness.
Good luck ladies!!!

That’s the best advice for all of you—be happy—and be free of living your husband’s lie!

With love and hope,
Bonnie Kaye