MAILBAG
Hi Bonnie,Just read your latest newsletter. Its strange how after years of distancing myself from those issues and working at rebuilding I relegate all "that knowledge" to an intellectual level, feeling that I am sooo beyond it - been there, done that and now I can dispassionately look at it without a shred of emotion......WRONG ! Out of the blue, something is said, or written and wham - hits me in the gut and I'm back there again crying my eyes out over the memories and pain I thought I'd cast away forever. This particular newsletter hit me that way ! You didn't introduce anything new.....nothing that all of us haven't mouthed and acknowledged a thousand times, yet....... perhaps the narrow focus, relentlessness and analogies you used presented such a concentrated dosage that the reader cannot help but have to face it. One can't circumvent it when faced with it in so strong a manner. At least I couldn't Every single point you made struck home with such familiarity!I'm sure I'm not the only one who reacted this way and for this, I thank you as it so needs to be said, repeated, emphasized over and over andover again, as all of us still carry shreds of this disquieting notion of mea culpa. Thank you for so dramatically and clearly presenting it.
Luv, Dina
Dear Bonnie Kaye,
I could just HUG you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your newsletter is RIGHT ON TARGET this month!!! I could never put into words how bad I felt about myself for the snooping and suspecting any man he ever talked to, the wild thoughts and visions that filled my every waking and sleeping moments ..... and the mental torment I put myself through, beating myself up for that!It is SO NICE to be OUT of the TWILIGHT ZONE, as you so perfectly put it! Admittedly, those thoughts or visions still creep in occasionally and I still have those "DUHHHHHH CLUE # 4,653 moments" when I remember something he said or something he did .... but, I know it was NOT MY FAULT and we truly WERE in different ballparks, although he had hung Yankee signs in the Boston park and I thought I was in NY.Thank you - thank you - thank you!!!!!!!! I REALLY needed this today!!!Keep up your good work ... you are helping more people than you will ever know!
Joanie
Bonnie,
Not taking the whole thing personally, like "If I had been a better wife,mother, and lover, I wouldn't be divorced!" is very hard. I need toremember that from time to time.On the subject of how they try to make it our fault, my x told me that Ispent too much time reading, doing craft projects and going to church. He accused me of wanting to make him into"Pot Roast Harry" whoever that is.........
I love you!
Judy
Dear Bonnie,
Wow. You really hit the nail on the head with this one. I feel like you totally understand what I went through in the years of my failing marriage and the self-blame in addition to my ex-husband's blame of me for its demise. I wish he could read your words and understand what a hellacious existence that was for me but alas, he still has his blinders on and will never really "get it", especially as intent as he is on hiding the truth and deflecting responsibility. He still insists we were both responsible for the break-up of our marriage and that my faults were grossly understated in relation to his big revelation about his attraction to men. He says all the things you mentioned: I was a nag, paranoid, had trust issues, couldn't love, couldn't give, was selfish, demanding, couldn't be pleased, had an attitude against men etc. etc. Damn, was I awful or what??And despite all this, he is still (2 years post-separation and divorce) trying to get me back and incredibly, sometimes the words even sound good to me! We have gone on some dates and been intimate a few times (I should shoot myself) but I don't know why I keep doing this!! I hate being a single parent and now being away from him its sometimes easy to get lulled into that false sense of security that maybe he's changed. (I am the one who wrote to you several months ago about his abuse and our ugly court battle) I have to see him all the time b/c of our 6 yr old daughter and it royally sucks because I can't seem to get on with my life.. He is heavily involved with the church and still won't admit to anyone his gay feelings etc. He insists he's never acted on it and yet he said that during the marriage and I was there when he made an open pass at another married guy!
It was devastatingly painful and thank you for this last newsletter reminding me of the craziness of that time. I swear to you, I had almost blocked it out. I am vulnerable and lonely and he still knows the buttons to push. Not to mention that I never wanted this--- to be single and a single mom and have no money, family life, support etc. I left HIM which he still insists is my fault but that he'd forgive me if I just came back to him etc. I only left him b/c of what you described! I couldn't win! Thank you so much for saying in words what happened b/c I've been getting as delusional as he is again.
Why on earth do you think he still wants me back? After the court battle, the ugliness and everything? He insists he has attractions to men but they're only a result of his insecurity and lack of feeling masculine and that he'd be faithful to me. I don't even know why I'm entertaining these things except that my self-esteem is very shot after all that stuff and now I don't feel good enough for anybody. Plus, I'm scared to death of losing custody of my little girl b/';c he presents so well and can make me look emotional and crazy. He is quite the actor, which I tend to forget at times. He swears he loves me and that he wants us to be a family again and sometimes I am just so WEAK, b/c that's what I always wanted and may never have. But I know it would never be real with him and I'll never trust him. I guess, I'm just pretty messed up huh?
Anyway, thanks for listening. I get a lot out of your newsletters. I even showed him a few when we'd gotten together and he thinks it's evil that anyone would be so much for the woman without understanding the men's point of view. He thinks you paint us as angels and the gay ones as devils, but I know that isn't true. You simply understand that we've had enough blame. We have been devastated by husbands who refuse to look at the wreckage THEY created. And as usual, and probably for always-- he just doesn't get it!
Thanks again,
Callie
Wow Bonnie,
just read the newsletter. Seems we have something else in common that really hit home. I tried to commit suicide 4 times in my life. Twice it was official because Dan found me and took me to the hospital (gee, thanks Dan). The last time wasn't all that long ago, and I ended up losing my 2nd leg because of it. I got up and probably rammed into a wall in my wheelchair, and ripped open my foot. Shortly thereafter I lost the leg. Was it all because of my marriage to a gay man? I'm not sure. My first suicide was when I was turning 21, and was so lonely and depressed, I took a bunch of my father's pills. Just made me sleep, but honestly was an attempt to take my life. I truly wanted to die. My life was so unhappy. This was exactly the time I met Dan, he pulled me out from that depression, but it was right after finding out that the love of my life (another man) was gay!!! Thinking about this, yes, it is because of gay men and my trust in them, that I've been so suicidal.
Anyway, thanks for sharing such intimate thoughts with all the people who read your newsletter. That was a brave thing to do. I'd really love to talk to you about those times. To actually have someone who understands what suicide is all about! Well, I could use that.
Love, Holly
Thank you, Bonnie, for your newsletters. Keep 'em coming! I'm especially looking forward to reading your next newsletter, as my husband keeps telling me his online gay porno visits are more of an addiction than a sexuality issue. He feels he is in touch with being bisexual, but is committed to me and our marriage, etc.....By the way, I'm in the throes of a really rough time dealing with this, and your newsletters are like a lifeline for me. My husband has been very desperate to keep the marriage going and has made suicidal statements. He is finally in therapy (after me begging him to talk to someone for three weeks) and has let his gay brother know what is going on (only after I went to his brothers office and told him, though). He actually went to three therapists before he settled on the husband/wife team he's currently seeing. The first two confronted his denial, and the third was actually a child psych we were consulting about how to tell our son we are separating (he hoped the psych would talk me out of it). But his brother and I don't anticipate he will be able to fully come to terms with this for quite awhile. His brother gives him two years, but I can't wait that long. His brother has begged me to stay with my husband for a couple months just to help him "catch up" to where I am.Meanwhile, my husband has tried EVERYTHING, including making reservations on a cruise (I immediately told him to cancel them) to try and get me to stay in the marriage. Just like you warned in one of your earlier newsletters -- he has become an Olympic champion trying to prove his true love (and sexual attraction) for me.
I feel even more betrayed, because I really trusted that my husband would have been honest with me about his sexuality. However, I'm seeing that he is so closeted EVEN TO HIMSELF that he is only beginning to fathom how his dishonesty has affected me.I am basically hanging in here (but not allowing any physical contact) for my son's sake until the end of the school year. I feel like we're setting up tag-team parenting. It's hard having to stay in the same house because I've never lost my own sexual attraction for my husband -- do you understand? And we had a pretty good sexual thing going on occasion. We had just come back from a two-week beach resort vacation and had a pretty good time -- but of course, it was just a week later I found all this porno stuff going on. And my reaction was not one of hurt or surprise, but rather, resignation, I think. It was like an "ah-hah; so THAT's what's been going on" moment.I want us to be able to maintain a friendship so that someday we can sit next to each other at one of our son's basketball games, and cheer for him together, even though we may by then have different partners. I know that's somewhat of a fantasy, but perhaps it can be a goal...So, all of this to say how important your newsletter is for me.
Danette
Dear Bonnie,
I just wanted to tell you what a light in the darkness you have been. I think your strength through all your trials- your gay marriage, and losing your beloved daughter- is a true testament to the human spirit and an inspiration to all of us who have been or are currently married to gay men.I always shouldered the burden for my husband's unhappiness before reading your letters. I also never allowed myself to be angry at my husband's treatment of me. Do you remember that quote by Gordon Liddy, the one he made while holding his hand over an open flame? He said "the trick is not to mind it." That quote went through my head constantly during my hellish marriage, and reading your and other women's stories made me realize that I did mind it, and that I should mind it.
Even now, my husband is coming back wanting some way to "work out" our marriage. I was able to show him your letter "what if we were married to straight men". I read him the sentence where you state that at best, it is a friendship and how it will never be the stuff that love songs and poetry were made of. How glad I was to have that the time when he was using 25 years of conditioning to convince me to return to the old life. So, thank you, I only hope now that I am stronger, I can pass the strength you have given me along to others.
Beth
Thank you, Beth, for reminding women about those important words of not settling for anything less than someone who will inspire you with his love.
Well, I know this has been a longer than usual newsletter, but the feedback was worth reading, wasn’t it? If you’d like to have me print your letter in my upcoming newsletters, just let me know. Or, if your feedback is filled with feelings that others can benefit from, I’ll be sending you a note asking permission to reprint.
Love, Bonnie Kaye
Thursday, May 1, 2003
DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS, May, 2003
DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS
I’ve written about this before, and probably not too long ago. But I could never write about this enough, so I’ll talk about it again. It’s what I call “Distorted Perceptions.” It’s an important part of understanding the whole concept your marriage and why it failed.
I think I’ve gotten most of you on board with understanding that you had no influence on your husband’s homosexuality. No matter how easy it is for us to fall into the trap of believing that we were not “good enough” or “smart enough” or “pretty enough” or “sexy enough” for our husbands, I hope after reading my constant reassurances, you finally understand that your husband’s homosexuality was there long before you were.
The next concept of why your marriage failed is a little more difficult for you to understand. You are still looking at your marriage as if it takes “two to tango” as the saying goes. I often hear women say, “He made mistakes, and I made mistakes,” or “We both had faults,” Let’s acknowledge that no one is perfect. Yes, we all have faults. But it is not your “faults” that created the problems in the marriage. On the other hand, it is very possible that the problems in the marriage intensified your faults.
Example? Okay. Let’s start with me revealing to you some of the problems I had in my marriage. Because of all of the erratic behavior and inconsistencies in my marriage, I was overly suspicious of my husband’s actions. Whenever I couldn’t account for his missing time, I believed he was out cheating on me. I made an automatic search of all of his belongs when he wasn’t looking. This included all of the pockets in his clothes, his little black phone book, and his wallet. I looked in the car at the mileage gauge, looked under the seats for clues of unfamiliar items, and went through the glove compartment for any suspicious papers, matchbook covers, or receipts left behind and haphazardly thrown in there. As soon as I would find a possible incriminating piece of evidence, I would confront my husband. He would get angry and yell at me how I was neurotic and ridiculous. He always had an explanation of whatever evidence I found, and he did his best to convince me that I was the one with a “vivid” imagination that was always in the overactive mode.
From where he was sitting, I looked like the overly nagging wife. Snooping didn’t become me. But I became obsessed. Once the trust was gone, there was no way for me to regain it, especially when his patterns of suspicion continued. As much as I tried to ignore what kept hitting me in the face, I was unable to do so. As time progressed, my obsession deepened. Every time he left the house, my imagination took over and images of young men jolted out in my mind. Every guy my husband spoke to became suspect to me. My reactions to people were totally different because of this. No doubt, there were many innocent people who became victims of my unfounded hostility, but I was unable to distinguish fact from fiction because of the ones who were my realities and nightmares.
Now, my husband blamed me for overreacting to almost everything. And maybe in many cases I did. Bottom line: This was not who I was, but who I became because HE WAS GAY AND LIVING A LIE. And that lie infiltrated the darkest part of my soul turning me into someone whom I didn’t recognize or even like.
There were days when I woke up and didn’t want to live any more. This was NOT ME. The real me had a passion for life that had been temporarily snuffed out. I didn’t know it was temporary while I lived it because my life was now on another plane—somewhere between the Twilight Zone and death. I say death because on three different occasions I attempted suicide. It seemed like an excellent alternative during those moments that seemed so inescapable and hopeless. This was NOT ME either. Prior to my marriage, I was so high on life. I was active, sociable, surrounded by high self-esteem, and very independent. I turned into someone who was depressed, scared, insecure, co-dependant, and crying constantly from being hurt.
The decisions and the moves that I made during my marriage were based on the mutated perceptions inside my marriage. Before I suspected that homosexuality was the cause of my unhappiness, I came to believe that it was me who was causing the problems in my marriage. If I told my husband that our marriage had problems, he would reply, “We don’t have problems—YOU have the problem. I am happy in the marriage. YOU are the unhappy one.” Many of you have written to me that your husbands tell you the same thing. The problem is YOU—not him, not the “marriage.” And naturally, my husband, as well as yours, never looks beyond the fact that YOU have a problem, because it’s always all about them. I guess I was falling into a darker hole each day so it was easy for me to believe that I was the one with the problems. He wasn’t falling into a dark hole. He seemed content, and why not? He had a wife and a life outside his wife.
He was living his lie. And it was a big lie. Not a little white lie. Lying about your sexuality is a really very big lie. VERY BIG. What is a little lie? A little lie is taking money and buying something and not telling your spouse. A little lie is getting a couple of drinks at the bar with some friends while you tell your wife you are working. A little lie is not revealing that you broke your diet, smoked a cigarette after you quit, or paying more for something than you’re supposed to but keeping quiet not to start a fight because you’ve unbalanced the family budget.
It’s not like I’m condoning lying, but I certainly do understand it. I’ve lied myself when the thought of revealing something is going to result in an unnecessary argument that can be avoided and has no real effect on the state of a relationship. To lie is human. To live a lie is different. It’s not something that is inconsequential. When you live a lie, there are always consequences for someone. In our cases, it ends up being our consequence.
The basis for a relationship should be one built on give and take. When a man stops having sex with his wife because it’s too much of a burden for him because he is gay, you are giving wrong information to your wife. I don’t hear too many men take responsibility for their lack of sexual activity other than made up stories about being too tired, too overworked, too depressed, too headachy, too sore from exercising, etc. When those excuses run out, then the tables turn. Then it’s—YOU. You are too heavy, YOU are too naggy, YOU are too unsympathetic,
YOU are too demanding, and of course…..YOU ARE A NYMPHOMANIAC or something just as insulting. Because YOU now think YOU are the problem in your marriage, YOU are the one who tries to change YOURSELF. So, now you are changing yourself to become the ideal wife of a man who doesn’t want to make love to you no matter how good you look, how nice you act, how talented you are, or of course—how devoted you are to your gay husband. Ouch! That hurts.
Eventually, after your husband rejects you enough times, you stop expecting sex, and you also stop asking for it. He breathes a deep sigh of relief. Whew!! “She finally gets it. Stop asking because you’re not going to get it.” Once your wife stops asking you to have sex, she has resigned herself to living an unhappy life with you. How happy to do you think she’s going to be? And when she’s not happy, that’s her fault too, right? Wrong. It’s the husband’s fault.
Some gay husbands believe that money is the key to happiness—YOUR happiness. They will try to compensate for their sexual inadequacy by buying you gifts and trinkets, as if that will do it for you. It’s the same pattern as the physically abusive husband who beats his wife, begs for forgiveness, tells her that he loves her, and goes out to buy a present to prove it. HYPOCRITS. Like a bracelet is going to make you feel better about yourself. “I don’t think you’re good enough to make love to, but I think you’re good enough for a bracelet.” Thanks pal—but no thanks.
I know they say that the failure of a marriage is the fault of both parties, and maybe that’s the case in functional marriages. But guess what? I don’t think it’s that way when you live with a gay man. You aren’t happy. He can’t be happy. He is saying that you are making him unhappy because of your own unhappiness. But if he would have been a straight husband, maybe you would be happy. Perhaps you could have met life’s challenges as a team instead of being on different teams. And not only are you both on different teams, but you’re both playing in different ballparks. If the pitcher for the New York Yankees throws the most perfect pitch in NY, the best player in Boston standing hundreds of miles away can’t hit it—NO MATTER WHAT. You are in two different cities on two different teams. Two different places in two different spaces.
The same goes for straight wives with gay husbands. If your husband is telling you that the lack of sex in your marriage is YOUR fault, and he is a gay man, no matter what you do to make yourself more physically attractive, and some of you have gone to the extremes of breast implants and liposuction, it’s not going to change anything. You are playing in the wrong ballpark. Or shall I say, you have the wrong plumbing.
If you think I’m saying to all of you that you are perfect and without fault, well, I’m not. No one is perfect; we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have bad days. We all have human traits, and this is fine. And no husband—straight, gay or otherwise is perfect either. I don’t think any of us are seeking perfection. We are seeking husbands who are playing in the same ballpark. And although many couples who are STRAIGHT couples grow apart, they do it in a more honest way. They don’t always look to place the blame on your lap. They take some responsibility for the marriage unraveling. And you can make sense of those marriages that don’t work without feeling that you are responsible for their failure. In a marriage with a gay husband, you don’t even know what is real and not real. You are living in a labyrinth that has only twists and turns. There is no way to ever find a way to the end of the maze. The twists and turns go nowhere except in vicious circles.
And so, when you sit back and recount the years that have passed and try to figure out what went wrong in your marriage, do yourself a favor--stop thinking about it. When you live with a gay man who is parading in disguise as a straight man, nothing can change the circumstances. Or shall I say, only you are capable of changing them—by leaving the marriage and moving on to a life that makes sense. What’s really so amazing is that life can make sense once your marriage is over. No more mazes to run through, no more Twilight Zones or Outer Limits. No more trying to solve the unsolvable, no more fighting against the unchanging tide. When you live like this, you zap your mental and physical energy because spinning gold out of hay only happens in fairytales.
I’ve written about this before, and probably not too long ago. But I could never write about this enough, so I’ll talk about it again. It’s what I call “Distorted Perceptions.” It’s an important part of understanding the whole concept your marriage and why it failed.
I think I’ve gotten most of you on board with understanding that you had no influence on your husband’s homosexuality. No matter how easy it is for us to fall into the trap of believing that we were not “good enough” or “smart enough” or “pretty enough” or “sexy enough” for our husbands, I hope after reading my constant reassurances, you finally understand that your husband’s homosexuality was there long before you were.
The next concept of why your marriage failed is a little more difficult for you to understand. You are still looking at your marriage as if it takes “two to tango” as the saying goes. I often hear women say, “He made mistakes, and I made mistakes,” or “We both had faults,” Let’s acknowledge that no one is perfect. Yes, we all have faults. But it is not your “faults” that created the problems in the marriage. On the other hand, it is very possible that the problems in the marriage intensified your faults.
Example? Okay. Let’s start with me revealing to you some of the problems I had in my marriage. Because of all of the erratic behavior and inconsistencies in my marriage, I was overly suspicious of my husband’s actions. Whenever I couldn’t account for his missing time, I believed he was out cheating on me. I made an automatic search of all of his belongs when he wasn’t looking. This included all of the pockets in his clothes, his little black phone book, and his wallet. I looked in the car at the mileage gauge, looked under the seats for clues of unfamiliar items, and went through the glove compartment for any suspicious papers, matchbook covers, or receipts left behind and haphazardly thrown in there. As soon as I would find a possible incriminating piece of evidence, I would confront my husband. He would get angry and yell at me how I was neurotic and ridiculous. He always had an explanation of whatever evidence I found, and he did his best to convince me that I was the one with a “vivid” imagination that was always in the overactive mode.
From where he was sitting, I looked like the overly nagging wife. Snooping didn’t become me. But I became obsessed. Once the trust was gone, there was no way for me to regain it, especially when his patterns of suspicion continued. As much as I tried to ignore what kept hitting me in the face, I was unable to do so. As time progressed, my obsession deepened. Every time he left the house, my imagination took over and images of young men jolted out in my mind. Every guy my husband spoke to became suspect to me. My reactions to people were totally different because of this. No doubt, there were many innocent people who became victims of my unfounded hostility, but I was unable to distinguish fact from fiction because of the ones who were my realities and nightmares.
Now, my husband blamed me for overreacting to almost everything. And maybe in many cases I did. Bottom line: This was not who I was, but who I became because HE WAS GAY AND LIVING A LIE. And that lie infiltrated the darkest part of my soul turning me into someone whom I didn’t recognize or even like.
There were days when I woke up and didn’t want to live any more. This was NOT ME. The real me had a passion for life that had been temporarily snuffed out. I didn’t know it was temporary while I lived it because my life was now on another plane—somewhere between the Twilight Zone and death. I say death because on three different occasions I attempted suicide. It seemed like an excellent alternative during those moments that seemed so inescapable and hopeless. This was NOT ME either. Prior to my marriage, I was so high on life. I was active, sociable, surrounded by high self-esteem, and very independent. I turned into someone who was depressed, scared, insecure, co-dependant, and crying constantly from being hurt.
The decisions and the moves that I made during my marriage were based on the mutated perceptions inside my marriage. Before I suspected that homosexuality was the cause of my unhappiness, I came to believe that it was me who was causing the problems in my marriage. If I told my husband that our marriage had problems, he would reply, “We don’t have problems—YOU have the problem. I am happy in the marriage. YOU are the unhappy one.” Many of you have written to me that your husbands tell you the same thing. The problem is YOU—not him, not the “marriage.” And naturally, my husband, as well as yours, never looks beyond the fact that YOU have a problem, because it’s always all about them. I guess I was falling into a darker hole each day so it was easy for me to believe that I was the one with the problems. He wasn’t falling into a dark hole. He seemed content, and why not? He had a wife and a life outside his wife.
He was living his lie. And it was a big lie. Not a little white lie. Lying about your sexuality is a really very big lie. VERY BIG. What is a little lie? A little lie is taking money and buying something and not telling your spouse. A little lie is getting a couple of drinks at the bar with some friends while you tell your wife you are working. A little lie is not revealing that you broke your diet, smoked a cigarette after you quit, or paying more for something than you’re supposed to but keeping quiet not to start a fight because you’ve unbalanced the family budget.
It’s not like I’m condoning lying, but I certainly do understand it. I’ve lied myself when the thought of revealing something is going to result in an unnecessary argument that can be avoided and has no real effect on the state of a relationship. To lie is human. To live a lie is different. It’s not something that is inconsequential. When you live a lie, there are always consequences for someone. In our cases, it ends up being our consequence.
The basis for a relationship should be one built on give and take. When a man stops having sex with his wife because it’s too much of a burden for him because he is gay, you are giving wrong information to your wife. I don’t hear too many men take responsibility for their lack of sexual activity other than made up stories about being too tired, too overworked, too depressed, too headachy, too sore from exercising, etc. When those excuses run out, then the tables turn. Then it’s—YOU. You are too heavy, YOU are too naggy, YOU are too unsympathetic,
YOU are too demanding, and of course…..YOU ARE A NYMPHOMANIAC or something just as insulting. Because YOU now think YOU are the problem in your marriage, YOU are the one who tries to change YOURSELF. So, now you are changing yourself to become the ideal wife of a man who doesn’t want to make love to you no matter how good you look, how nice you act, how talented you are, or of course—how devoted you are to your gay husband. Ouch! That hurts.
Eventually, after your husband rejects you enough times, you stop expecting sex, and you also stop asking for it. He breathes a deep sigh of relief. Whew!! “She finally gets it. Stop asking because you’re not going to get it.” Once your wife stops asking you to have sex, she has resigned herself to living an unhappy life with you. How happy to do you think she’s going to be? And when she’s not happy, that’s her fault too, right? Wrong. It’s the husband’s fault.
Some gay husbands believe that money is the key to happiness—YOUR happiness. They will try to compensate for their sexual inadequacy by buying you gifts and trinkets, as if that will do it for you. It’s the same pattern as the physically abusive husband who beats his wife, begs for forgiveness, tells her that he loves her, and goes out to buy a present to prove it. HYPOCRITS. Like a bracelet is going to make you feel better about yourself. “I don’t think you’re good enough to make love to, but I think you’re good enough for a bracelet.” Thanks pal—but no thanks.
I know they say that the failure of a marriage is the fault of both parties, and maybe that’s the case in functional marriages. But guess what? I don’t think it’s that way when you live with a gay man. You aren’t happy. He can’t be happy. He is saying that you are making him unhappy because of your own unhappiness. But if he would have been a straight husband, maybe you would be happy. Perhaps you could have met life’s challenges as a team instead of being on different teams. And not only are you both on different teams, but you’re both playing in different ballparks. If the pitcher for the New York Yankees throws the most perfect pitch in NY, the best player in Boston standing hundreds of miles away can’t hit it—NO MATTER WHAT. You are in two different cities on two different teams. Two different places in two different spaces.
The same goes for straight wives with gay husbands. If your husband is telling you that the lack of sex in your marriage is YOUR fault, and he is a gay man, no matter what you do to make yourself more physically attractive, and some of you have gone to the extremes of breast implants and liposuction, it’s not going to change anything. You are playing in the wrong ballpark. Or shall I say, you have the wrong plumbing.
If you think I’m saying to all of you that you are perfect and without fault, well, I’m not. No one is perfect; we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have bad days. We all have human traits, and this is fine. And no husband—straight, gay or otherwise is perfect either. I don’t think any of us are seeking perfection. We are seeking husbands who are playing in the same ballpark. And although many couples who are STRAIGHT couples grow apart, they do it in a more honest way. They don’t always look to place the blame on your lap. They take some responsibility for the marriage unraveling. And you can make sense of those marriages that don’t work without feeling that you are responsible for their failure. In a marriage with a gay husband, you don’t even know what is real and not real. You are living in a labyrinth that has only twists and turns. There is no way to ever find a way to the end of the maze. The twists and turns go nowhere except in vicious circles.
And so, when you sit back and recount the years that have passed and try to figure out what went wrong in your marriage, do yourself a favor--stop thinking about it. When you live with a gay man who is parading in disguise as a straight man, nothing can change the circumstances. Or shall I say, only you are capable of changing them—by leaving the marriage and moving on to a life that makes sense. What’s really so amazing is that life can make sense once your marriage is over. No more mazes to run through, no more Twilight Zones or Outer Limits. No more trying to solve the unsolvable, no more fighting against the unchanging tide. When you live like this, you zap your mental and physical energy because spinning gold out of hay only happens in fairytales.
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