THE HONEYMOON REVISITED
I love happy endings to stories. With straight/gay marriages, some of you also have the advantage of having some happy middles of stories even if the endings are sad. Of course, these middle stories don’t last very long, but while they happen, it’s like having a second honeymoon.
I hear it from many women. The story is usually the same, so here goes a typical one that I received this week:
Dear Bonnie,
It’s a miracle! After I confronted my husband with my suspicions about his being gay, he admitted to me that he had passing thoughts about men but would never act on them. And now, things are better than they’ve ever been. Now it’s just like when we were on our honeymoon—but even better. My husband is being very attentive to me and very considerate. For the first time in years, he is being affectionate to me. He is holding my hand in public and kissing me goodnight every night.
And now for the best part—my husband realizes that he is not gay.
He has approached me for sex for the first time in years. He is really doing everything to be the kind of husband that I knew he could be if he could just get those homosexual thoughts out of his head. Now I realize that we can move forward in our marriage with all of the bad times behind us.”
Most of the time, the letters end with,
“You were wrong, Bonnie.”
Sometimes, I’ll hear a more insightful thought from a woman saying,
“I know that this is just a temporary stage, but I’ll take it for the moment!”
I do want to tell you that these honeymoons don’t last for long. Sometimes they’ll last a few weeks or even a few months. But as letters that come in later with humble apologies to me say, the “honeymoon revisited phase” is usually over within a short amount of time. You see, after the husbands lulls you into a false sense of security once again, he feels he has you back where he wants you and so his “Normal,” or shall we say, “Abnormal,” patterns creep back slowly, or sometimes quickly. But they always come back. I tell these women there is no need to apologize. I know how I used to hang on to any false hope that came my way no matter how quickly it whizzed past my eyes.
Why do our gay husbands revisit the honeymoon phase? Quite simple. They fear that you now suspect or know the truth about their homosexuality and they are determined to throw you off track and start doubting yourself. They are not ready to be honest, and so they buy time. They become affectionate, attentive, and start to give you unexpected gifts. They say they are willing to work on their “sexual dysfunction.” The claim they will go for marriage counseling, and in some cases, give it a try for a few weeks or months.
And you feel good. You start believing that your suspicion about the worst possible scenario is untrue. And all those little signs that you thought were leading you in that direction were really something else. Maybe it was just a curiosity phase. Maybe your husband was having problems from medications. Maybe he does have some gay tendencies, but maybe that’s from an extra chromosome or two that has been misplaced. Maybe he’s learned his lesson by realizing that you are going to leave your marriage if you find out that he’s doing his thing.
Then you think you are so “stupid” when the second honeymoon is over and reality hits again. Please don’t apologize or feel stupid. I was lulled endless times into what I wanted to be a functioning marriage. I grasped for any sign of rebuttal from my husband and swore I could make things better if only he would work with me on it. Yes, I even had a couple of extra sexual encounters that he initiated in good faith to prove to me that our marriage would be A-okay. But how long could he fool me? He couldn’t even fool himself. He couldn’t carry out this lie indefinitely, and within a short time, things reverted to where they were—or shall I say deteriorated back to where they were—when I threw out my suspicions.
So, next time you see things changing, be aware that it is just a temporary ploy. Don’t get your hopes up—enjoy the peace and quiet for whatever time it lasts. Use this time to strengthen yourself mentally because this is not the time that your husband will be battering you down mentally. Recognize it for what it is and take advantage of the quiet time to make a plan to protect yourself and your future. And rest assure—the honeymoon will be over before you know it. Once you understand this, your chances of being disappointed will become one of expectation and much easier to handle.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Saturday, December 1, 2001
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter December, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 10
THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
Let me first wish all of my readers a happy holiday season. Well, how about a peaceful holiday season? I think that expecting a “happy holiday” may make you start to think that you are supposed to be happy, when in fact, many of you reading this are going through your own heavy-duty pain.
When I was married to my gay husband, I usually found holidays to be very depressing. People appeared so happy wherever I went, all wrapped up in a mystical holiday spirit. Inwardly, I felt like a knife was cutting me because I so desperately wanted what I thought everyone else had—namely, a loving spouse and happy family. I went through the holidays very mechanically doing all the right things, but somehow, I always felt disappointed when they were over. My husband made sure to surround us with lots of people in order to take the focus off of “us” as a couple. Holidays meant that we were home—alone—a definite no-no. My husband did his best to make sure that his numerous friends and family members would spill into our home. He called as many as possible to invite them over with promises of good food (that I would have to prepare) and great conversation (that he would monopolize) There was too much danger in having a long period of quiet time together. That would mean that I might make the “demand” (in his head) or “suggestion” (in my head) for intimacy.
It became an all too familiar holiday pattern. Surround us with lots of people I couldn’t care less about, and in fact feel irritated by, to avoid my desperate pleas for affection, intimacy, and …..sex. And on those rare days when people just couldn’t make it over due to snow blizzards or other plans, you can be sure that was a day when an argument would ensue. The fight didn’t have to be over anything of importance—it just had to start and then build itself into a mountain. I’m sure that my husband realized that a molehill would have never stopped me from making a suggestion. But once things escalated into a mountain, they were too high to climb and usually left me sleeping on a couch or not sleeping at all while I cried.
Overdramatic? I don’t think so. When I recall some of the absurdities that went on in our marriage that I couldn’t understand, it finally makes sense. After speaking with thousands of women, this is often an emerging pattern. After it happens enough times, you retreat and take a giant step backwards. You know the drill. Ask for something that your husband doesn’t want you to ask for long enough, and you’ll just stop asking. It beats a fight or argument over nothing of importance, as well as the humiliation of being turned down again for wanting a normal, human need—namely intimacy. .
Somehow, the fantasies that had played over and over again in my head throughout my youth, adolescence, and early adulthood about home and the holidays just never happened. That’s why I became conditioned after the first few holidays not to get excited, not to see the beauty, not to feel the spirit, and most importantly, not to get my hopes up. That went for every holiday. I had to reshuffle my way of thinking about the song No Place Like Home for the Holidays. I definitely knew that they were not talking about my home.
And so, my friends, if your holidays don’t meet up to your expectations of what they are supposed to be, don’t feel that it’s you. It’s not. It’s your situation. And if you are not in your marriage, don’t think that those feelings go away quickly—the memories of when you were in your marriage can linger on for many years to come. The good news is the feeling of excitement can return in time. If you meet your soulmate at a future point, you will understand the joy of watching the Big Apple fall down at midnight while he holds you close to him and starts the fireworks at midnight to celebrate your future year together. You’ll be able to turn off the television after the third verse of Auld Lang Syne and make your own music.
And even if you spend the night alone until you meet your soulmate, or if you never meet him, it won’t hurt nearly as much as spending it with someone who makes you feel as if you are the person who takes the joy out of the holiday because you are always hoping for something that he is just not willing or able to give you.
AND SPEAKING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS….
Speaking about the New Year…..I love the thought of a New Year coming in while an Old Year is going out. It’s a time to make resolutions for change. It’s a reminder that there is no time like the present to make some new resolutions that can resolve some of your problems. Most women are busily making plans to start a new diet or to stop smoking. Women with gay husbands can commit to making a new start free of the mental pressure that is wearing us down.
I always say that when you finally find the emotional and mental freedom, you are more than halfway to your goal. This is an excellent time to start planning your physical escape from your unhappy marriage. It’s not something that has to happen today or this month, but it is an opportunity to think about a better place that you can be in before another year passes by without any movement to happiness.
This is an opportunity to reflect back on your past years of marriage to your gay husband. If you are one of the nearly thousand of women receiving this newsletter, chances are you are living with conflict in your life. This is the best time of the year to start making a plan that will help you to reach your goal. For some of you, that may mean going back to school to learn skills that will make you financially independent. For others, it may mean joining a support group or finding a women’s group that will help you rebuild your self-esteem to give you the strength to do what you need to do. As long as you plan positive actions in your personal life, you will start to gain the strength that you need to make permanent positive changes in your life.
So, even though New Year’s Eve may normally be a painful night for you, look at it differently this year. Make a conscientious effort to stay up late and watch the Big Apple descend for the countdown. This year will be for you. View it with the optimism and hope that it is supposed to bring. Vow to make this a year of change—a better year for you and your children. Make a mental plan on how you are going to get there—and like with all resolutions, try to stick to it!
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Let me first wish all of my readers a happy holiday season. Well, how about a peaceful holiday season? I think that expecting a “happy holiday” may make you start to think that you are supposed to be happy, when in fact, many of you reading this are going through your own heavy-duty pain.
When I was married to my gay husband, I usually found holidays to be very depressing. People appeared so happy wherever I went, all wrapped up in a mystical holiday spirit. Inwardly, I felt like a knife was cutting me because I so desperately wanted what I thought everyone else had—namely, a loving spouse and happy family. I went through the holidays very mechanically doing all the right things, but somehow, I always felt disappointed when they were over. My husband made sure to surround us with lots of people in order to take the focus off of “us” as a couple. Holidays meant that we were home—alone—a definite no-no. My husband did his best to make sure that his numerous friends and family members would spill into our home. He called as many as possible to invite them over with promises of good food (that I would have to prepare) and great conversation (that he would monopolize) There was too much danger in having a long period of quiet time together. That would mean that I might make the “demand” (in his head) or “suggestion” (in my head) for intimacy.
It became an all too familiar holiday pattern. Surround us with lots of people I couldn’t care less about, and in fact feel irritated by, to avoid my desperate pleas for affection, intimacy, and …..sex. And on those rare days when people just couldn’t make it over due to snow blizzards or other plans, you can be sure that was a day when an argument would ensue. The fight didn’t have to be over anything of importance—it just had to start and then build itself into a mountain. I’m sure that my husband realized that a molehill would have never stopped me from making a suggestion. But once things escalated into a mountain, they were too high to climb and usually left me sleeping on a couch or not sleeping at all while I cried.
Overdramatic? I don’t think so. When I recall some of the absurdities that went on in our marriage that I couldn’t understand, it finally makes sense. After speaking with thousands of women, this is often an emerging pattern. After it happens enough times, you retreat and take a giant step backwards. You know the drill. Ask for something that your husband doesn’t want you to ask for long enough, and you’ll just stop asking. It beats a fight or argument over nothing of importance, as well as the humiliation of being turned down again for wanting a normal, human need—namely intimacy. .
Somehow, the fantasies that had played over and over again in my head throughout my youth, adolescence, and early adulthood about home and the holidays just never happened. That’s why I became conditioned after the first few holidays not to get excited, not to see the beauty, not to feel the spirit, and most importantly, not to get my hopes up. That went for every holiday. I had to reshuffle my way of thinking about the song No Place Like Home for the Holidays. I definitely knew that they were not talking about my home.
And so, my friends, if your holidays don’t meet up to your expectations of what they are supposed to be, don’t feel that it’s you. It’s not. It’s your situation. And if you are not in your marriage, don’t think that those feelings go away quickly—the memories of when you were in your marriage can linger on for many years to come. The good news is the feeling of excitement can return in time. If you meet your soulmate at a future point, you will understand the joy of watching the Big Apple fall down at midnight while he holds you close to him and starts the fireworks at midnight to celebrate your future year together. You’ll be able to turn off the television after the third verse of Auld Lang Syne and make your own music.
And even if you spend the night alone until you meet your soulmate, or if you never meet him, it won’t hurt nearly as much as spending it with someone who makes you feel as if you are the person who takes the joy out of the holiday because you are always hoping for something that he is just not willing or able to give you.
AND SPEAKING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS….
Speaking about the New Year…..I love the thought of a New Year coming in while an Old Year is going out. It’s a time to make resolutions for change. It’s a reminder that there is no time like the present to make some new resolutions that can resolve some of your problems. Most women are busily making plans to start a new diet or to stop smoking. Women with gay husbands can commit to making a new start free of the mental pressure that is wearing us down.
I always say that when you finally find the emotional and mental freedom, you are more than halfway to your goal. This is an excellent time to start planning your physical escape from your unhappy marriage. It’s not something that has to happen today or this month, but it is an opportunity to think about a better place that you can be in before another year passes by without any movement to happiness.
This is an opportunity to reflect back on your past years of marriage to your gay husband. If you are one of the nearly thousand of women receiving this newsletter, chances are you are living with conflict in your life. This is the best time of the year to start making a plan that will help you to reach your goal. For some of you, that may mean going back to school to learn skills that will make you financially independent. For others, it may mean joining a support group or finding a women’s group that will help you rebuild your self-esteem to give you the strength to do what you need to do. As long as you plan positive actions in your personal life, you will start to gain the strength that you need to make permanent positive changes in your life.
So, even though New Year’s Eve may normally be a painful night for you, look at it differently this year. Make a conscientious effort to stay up late and watch the Big Apple descend for the countdown. This year will be for you. View it with the optimism and hope that it is supposed to bring. Vow to make this a year of change—a better year for you and your children. Make a mental plan on how you are going to get there—and like with all resolutions, try to stick to it!
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Thursday, November 1, 2001
Straight Talk Newsletter November, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 9
RECURRING ANGER
I’ve had several requests to address the issue of returning anger. Just when you thought you were past that stage in your recovery minus your gay husband, it’s back. Women have written to me asking me what’s wrong with them when this happens. They are afraid they are backsliding because they feel so angry all over again.
There are different kinds of anger when a marriage ends. The anger that you have when you find out that your husband is gay is different than the anger you will face in future years when you are raising children as a single parent. Then we face the anger that all women face when they are left with raising the family as the primary caretaker. Sometimes we confuse this anger with our gay husband issues, and in all fairness, this is not a gay issues, but rather a universal one of irresponsible men. You don’t have to be gay to be irresponsible.
My own father abandoned my mother and left her with five children. He went on to have a happy, prosperous life 3,000 miles away, taking everything we owned. We ended up virtually homeless. My mother became the primary caretaker and supporter of us, and at the time, my younger sisters were only 1, 3, and 5. My mother had never worked before, and with virtually no workforce skills, went out and started building a career for herself. She never had an easy life after that point, but continued to be there for all of us emotionally and financially until her death a year and a half ago. Ironically, my father, who moved to California 34 years ago, is a millionaire. He has chosen to abandon his children, claiming that we should be able to make it on our own like he did.
My father is not gay. He went on to remarry and had a different family. He was very willing to take care of them financially, but not us. My story is not unique. I know many men who move on after marriage to new families and have new children and never look back. I don’t understand it and I never will. It would be inconceivable for me to think of a mother doing that to a child, but it seems so common in men. All men, just not gay men.
I share this information with you because we do have our own issues to heal from as wives of gay men. But we also have other issues to deal with that are universal to all women. It’s important to understand the difference in the problems because if not, we will always be angry and bitter about the gay issues. It is important for our own state of mental health to distinguish between the two. It is also important for our healing process to understand the difference so that we are able to move ahead in life and not be held back by our own insecurities.
As I’ve stated in earlier newsletters, wives of gay men go through an additional set of recovery issues than women who have straight husbands. We need to rebuild our shattered sense of self-belief and self-esteem. If we are continually pulled back into the gay spectrum, we will never be able to find happiness and fulfillment with a future mate. We will start confusing issues, which will start the self-doubt process all over again.
Anger needs to be channeled into positive responses, or else it turns into bitterness. I have seen this happen too many times. Bitterness affects our own sense of happiness and the happiness of our children. It stagnates us from moving ahead in our own lives, so who ends up losing here? You have lost so much already, why continue to keep being on the losing end?
When you are angry due to circumstances that seem totally out of your control or because of your ex-husband’s actions, learn to confront the anger by taking positive action. If you feel that talking to your ex-husband will only result in a yelling match with no resolve, sit down and write him a letter explaining to him why you are hurting. Sometimes when he sees it in writing, it makes him actually think and act rather than just react. It helps you feel better too because too often in the course of a conversation or argument, you lose sight of the issues that you want to discuss because your anger takes you to other places that don’t need to be revisited. A letter gives you a chance to express your anger and make sure that the important points are covered. If you have forgotten any, you can always add a P.S. or write the letter over—or even rip it up if you don’t feel like sending it. Sometimes just writing the letter is enough of an outlet.
Understand that after a marriage is over, there are lots of “normal” hardship issues that we face as single parents. Raising children is exhausting, and not having a back up for some relief can be overwhelming. It hurts when we are tired at the end of the day and feel so trapped while our husbands are out with their new gay mates or gay friends. But if our husbands were straight, chances are they’d be doing the same thing. It’s not a gay thing, just a male thing. The fact that he’s out with a man may make it more emotionally uncomfortable, but we have to be able to once again separate those feelings from the feelings that most single mothers experience of abandonment and lack of financial security.
So, if you feel anger creeping up in your life again, know that it’s okay. You probably have a lot to be angry about. Just don’t let it take over your life. Work through it so it doesn’t turn to bitterness. Find support or call a friend and talk it out. Don’t let it fester in you, because unresolved anger turns into bitterness, and the only one who really hurts is you.
Remember, you are never alone. There is a great amount of support for anyone who needs it. Write to me or join our Thursday evening support chat sessions for group comfort and help. Have a pleasant Thanksgiving holiday and realize that life can always get better as long as there is hope.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
I’ve had several requests to address the issue of returning anger. Just when you thought you were past that stage in your recovery minus your gay husband, it’s back. Women have written to me asking me what’s wrong with them when this happens. They are afraid they are backsliding because they feel so angry all over again.
There are different kinds of anger when a marriage ends. The anger that you have when you find out that your husband is gay is different than the anger you will face in future years when you are raising children as a single parent. Then we face the anger that all women face when they are left with raising the family as the primary caretaker. Sometimes we confuse this anger with our gay husband issues, and in all fairness, this is not a gay issues, but rather a universal one of irresponsible men. You don’t have to be gay to be irresponsible.
My own father abandoned my mother and left her with five children. He went on to have a happy, prosperous life 3,000 miles away, taking everything we owned. We ended up virtually homeless. My mother became the primary caretaker and supporter of us, and at the time, my younger sisters were only 1, 3, and 5. My mother had never worked before, and with virtually no workforce skills, went out and started building a career for herself. She never had an easy life after that point, but continued to be there for all of us emotionally and financially until her death a year and a half ago. Ironically, my father, who moved to California 34 years ago, is a millionaire. He has chosen to abandon his children, claiming that we should be able to make it on our own like he did.
My father is not gay. He went on to remarry and had a different family. He was very willing to take care of them financially, but not us. My story is not unique. I know many men who move on after marriage to new families and have new children and never look back. I don’t understand it and I never will. It would be inconceivable for me to think of a mother doing that to a child, but it seems so common in men. All men, just not gay men.
I share this information with you because we do have our own issues to heal from as wives of gay men. But we also have other issues to deal with that are universal to all women. It’s important to understand the difference in the problems because if not, we will always be angry and bitter about the gay issues. It is important for our own state of mental health to distinguish between the two. It is also important for our healing process to understand the difference so that we are able to move ahead in life and not be held back by our own insecurities.
As I’ve stated in earlier newsletters, wives of gay men go through an additional set of recovery issues than women who have straight husbands. We need to rebuild our shattered sense of self-belief and self-esteem. If we are continually pulled back into the gay spectrum, we will never be able to find happiness and fulfillment with a future mate. We will start confusing issues, which will start the self-doubt process all over again.
Anger needs to be channeled into positive responses, or else it turns into bitterness. I have seen this happen too many times. Bitterness affects our own sense of happiness and the happiness of our children. It stagnates us from moving ahead in our own lives, so who ends up losing here? You have lost so much already, why continue to keep being on the losing end?
When you are angry due to circumstances that seem totally out of your control or because of your ex-husband’s actions, learn to confront the anger by taking positive action. If you feel that talking to your ex-husband will only result in a yelling match with no resolve, sit down and write him a letter explaining to him why you are hurting. Sometimes when he sees it in writing, it makes him actually think and act rather than just react. It helps you feel better too because too often in the course of a conversation or argument, you lose sight of the issues that you want to discuss because your anger takes you to other places that don’t need to be revisited. A letter gives you a chance to express your anger and make sure that the important points are covered. If you have forgotten any, you can always add a P.S. or write the letter over—or even rip it up if you don’t feel like sending it. Sometimes just writing the letter is enough of an outlet.
Understand that after a marriage is over, there are lots of “normal” hardship issues that we face as single parents. Raising children is exhausting, and not having a back up for some relief can be overwhelming. It hurts when we are tired at the end of the day and feel so trapped while our husbands are out with their new gay mates or gay friends. But if our husbands were straight, chances are they’d be doing the same thing. It’s not a gay thing, just a male thing. The fact that he’s out with a man may make it more emotionally uncomfortable, but we have to be able to once again separate those feelings from the feelings that most single mothers experience of abandonment and lack of financial security.
So, if you feel anger creeping up in your life again, know that it’s okay. You probably have a lot to be angry about. Just don’t let it take over your life. Work through it so it doesn’t turn to bitterness. Find support or call a friend and talk it out. Don’t let it fester in you, because unresolved anger turns into bitterness, and the only one who really hurts is you.
Remember, you are never alone. There is a great amount of support for anyone who needs it. Write to me or join our Thursday evening support chat sessions for group comfort and help. Have a pleasant Thanksgiving holiday and realize that life can always get better as long as there is hope.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter November, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 9
DESTRUCTIVE COUNSELING
I get numerous requests from women all over the country asking me if I can refer them to a counselor or psychologist for help. This is a major responsibility, and I never refer anyone if I don’t personally know a therapist.
But this raises an important issue. I want to warn you about is finding incompetent or misguided counseling. This is something that disturbs me deeply because I receive letters from women who are investing hard earned money but obviously getting very poor and counterproductive advice which leaves them more confused and doubting of themselves. Most people are not familiar with the world of therapy and depend heavily on the feedback they receive from the counselor. I have learned over the years from women who tell me about the direction of their therapy that this can only add more problems to an already problematic situation.
The majority of women who write to me don’t need therapy—they need support. And once they learn that the problems they are facing in their marriage are not their problems but rather the problems of their husbands, they are able to find resolvable solutions just through the support of others who have experienced the same problem.
Recently, I have spoken to several women whose therapists are definitely giving them destructive information. These therapists don’t understand the dynamics of a straight/gay marriage. One woman this month told me about a therapist who doesn’t believe that her husband is gay. In this case the husband is fixated on gay pornography, but the therapist is saying that he’s a sex addict and not gay. She has him attending Sexual Addiction meetings and is encouraging the wife to stay focused on the marriage and not give up. The wife feels very discouraged because her husband continues to watch these gay videos on the computer while she is there, claiming that it excites him to do so because it is like “forbidden fruit.” She also knows from her own minimal sex life that her husband has sexual problems. And yet, she has been told to hang in with him because he is not gay. This is ludicrous. Watching gay pornography does not sexually arouse straight men. Trust me on this.
There are some women are going to marriage counseling with their husbands where the counselor is treating the couple as if it were any other couple with straight-couple problems. Let me assure all of you that going for marriage counseling together is not going to be the answer to fixing the marriage. Any therapist who tells you that the problems can be worked on in these marriages is really clueless. These are not marriages that have the traditional problems that other marriages face. These are a unique set of problems that need to be viewed in their own rite. And all of the counseling in the world is not going to make your husband’s desire for men magically disappear.
Another important problem that I want to mention is about counselors who hold their own personal beliefs as the truth in their therapy approach. These are therapists who have religious convictions that cloud their objectivity. In just this month alone, I spoke with five women who went to Christian based counseling. Their therapists advised them to stay in their marriages while their husbands found their way back to heterosexuality. Their train of thought is that homosexuality is chosen, not in-born. They believe that if these husbands understand the consequences of their actions, they will “choose” to be straight if given enough time and encouragement. Obviously, these women are having doubts about this kind of help being effective because they are writing to me out of frustration and despair. Although I do understand and respect religious personal convictions, I haven’t found any happy results from people who have to spend years of time trying to make something work based on someone’s ability to change into something that is not his nature. I know that people can change behaviors when forced to do so, but it doesn’t change what someone’s sexual orientation is. It’s somewhat like what they call “dry alcoholics.” There are people who stop drinking, but inwardly, they can’t change what they are. They are never happy, and they resent those around them who have “forced” the change.
If there is counseling to be had, it needs to be counseling to build up self-esteem and independence of the wife so that she can make the right decision to leave the marriage. Women in these marriages are often emotionally broken and lack the ability to believe in themselves. In these cases, finding a good therapist to help you regain your confidence and courage can be very important. But the direction of the counseling needs to be one of moving ahead, not staying stuck in an unhealthy situation and seeing how you can make it work.
Another word of caution—if you are not connecting to a therapist, end it early and keep seeking someone that you find to be helpful and encouraging. Just because someone is practicing doesn’t mean that he/she is competent for helping you. Keep seeking help until you find someone that you feel comfortable with. I remember when I was 22 years old, MANY YEARS AGO, I was having some personal problems and decided to seek professional help to guide me through this period. I had no understanding of counseling or therapy. I went to a local hospital and they assigned a therapist to me. I went to him for six sessions, and after each session, found myself more and more depressed. He was practicing a form of therapy that was totally ineffective for my problems, but I was too inexperienced to understand this. Rather than switch to a different therapist, I stopped going thinking there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t benefiting from the treatment. It took me many years and lots of schooling to understand what this man was doing. He was a new therapist and practicing his style of therapy that was not suitable for the type of problem that I had. I wasn’t smart or savvy enough to understand that I could have asked for someone else who could have been more effective for me.
Many times when we seek out help because we are in vulnerable positions, we put all our faith in professionals who may not have the expertise we need to resolve our problems. This doesn’t just happen in counseling, but many other situations such as legal or medical problems. That’s why it is so important to recognize when something is not working for you and to keep pursuing the professional help that will work best for your needs.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
I get numerous requests from women all over the country asking me if I can refer them to a counselor or psychologist for help. This is a major responsibility, and I never refer anyone if I don’t personally know a therapist.
But this raises an important issue. I want to warn you about is finding incompetent or misguided counseling. This is something that disturbs me deeply because I receive letters from women who are investing hard earned money but obviously getting very poor and counterproductive advice which leaves them more confused and doubting of themselves. Most people are not familiar with the world of therapy and depend heavily on the feedback they receive from the counselor. I have learned over the years from women who tell me about the direction of their therapy that this can only add more problems to an already problematic situation.
The majority of women who write to me don’t need therapy—they need support. And once they learn that the problems they are facing in their marriage are not their problems but rather the problems of their husbands, they are able to find resolvable solutions just through the support of others who have experienced the same problem.
Recently, I have spoken to several women whose therapists are definitely giving them destructive information. These therapists don’t understand the dynamics of a straight/gay marriage. One woman this month told me about a therapist who doesn’t believe that her husband is gay. In this case the husband is fixated on gay pornography, but the therapist is saying that he’s a sex addict and not gay. She has him attending Sexual Addiction meetings and is encouraging the wife to stay focused on the marriage and not give up. The wife feels very discouraged because her husband continues to watch these gay videos on the computer while she is there, claiming that it excites him to do so because it is like “forbidden fruit.” She also knows from her own minimal sex life that her husband has sexual problems. And yet, she has been told to hang in with him because he is not gay. This is ludicrous. Watching gay pornography does not sexually arouse straight men. Trust me on this.
There are some women are going to marriage counseling with their husbands where the counselor is treating the couple as if it were any other couple with straight-couple problems. Let me assure all of you that going for marriage counseling together is not going to be the answer to fixing the marriage. Any therapist who tells you that the problems can be worked on in these marriages is really clueless. These are not marriages that have the traditional problems that other marriages face. These are a unique set of problems that need to be viewed in their own rite. And all of the counseling in the world is not going to make your husband’s desire for men magically disappear.
Another important problem that I want to mention is about counselors who hold their own personal beliefs as the truth in their therapy approach. These are therapists who have religious convictions that cloud their objectivity. In just this month alone, I spoke with five women who went to Christian based counseling. Their therapists advised them to stay in their marriages while their husbands found their way back to heterosexuality. Their train of thought is that homosexuality is chosen, not in-born. They believe that if these husbands understand the consequences of their actions, they will “choose” to be straight if given enough time and encouragement. Obviously, these women are having doubts about this kind of help being effective because they are writing to me out of frustration and despair. Although I do understand and respect religious personal convictions, I haven’t found any happy results from people who have to spend years of time trying to make something work based on someone’s ability to change into something that is not his nature. I know that people can change behaviors when forced to do so, but it doesn’t change what someone’s sexual orientation is. It’s somewhat like what they call “dry alcoholics.” There are people who stop drinking, but inwardly, they can’t change what they are. They are never happy, and they resent those around them who have “forced” the change.
If there is counseling to be had, it needs to be counseling to build up self-esteem and independence of the wife so that she can make the right decision to leave the marriage. Women in these marriages are often emotionally broken and lack the ability to believe in themselves. In these cases, finding a good therapist to help you regain your confidence and courage can be very important. But the direction of the counseling needs to be one of moving ahead, not staying stuck in an unhealthy situation and seeing how you can make it work.
Another word of caution—if you are not connecting to a therapist, end it early and keep seeking someone that you find to be helpful and encouraging. Just because someone is practicing doesn’t mean that he/she is competent for helping you. Keep seeking help until you find someone that you feel comfortable with. I remember when I was 22 years old, MANY YEARS AGO, I was having some personal problems and decided to seek professional help to guide me through this period. I had no understanding of counseling or therapy. I went to a local hospital and they assigned a therapist to me. I went to him for six sessions, and after each session, found myself more and more depressed. He was practicing a form of therapy that was totally ineffective for my problems, but I was too inexperienced to understand this. Rather than switch to a different therapist, I stopped going thinking there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t benefiting from the treatment. It took me many years and lots of schooling to understand what this man was doing. He was a new therapist and practicing his style of therapy that was not suitable for the type of problem that I had. I wasn’t smart or savvy enough to understand that I could have asked for someone else who could have been more effective for me.
Many times when we seek out help because we are in vulnerable positions, we put all our faith in professionals who may not have the expertise we need to resolve our problems. This doesn’t just happen in counseling, but many other situations such as legal or medical problems. That’s why it is so important to recognize when something is not working for you and to keep pursuing the professional help that will work best for your needs.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter November, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 9
WHEN THERE’S JUST NO PROOF
Every week, I receive dozens of letters from women who are desperate to find “proof” that their husbands are “bisexual” or gay. On my website at http://www.gayhusbands.com/, I have a section called, “Catch Him.” It gives women the directions to check their computer’s temporary Internet files on line to see if there are any gay sites that their husbands are visiting. Some of these women write back to me after finding the evidence that they were so afraid of finding. At the same time, there is a great sense of relief because their suspicions were finally confirmed.
It’s interesting to see the various emotional reactions after women confront their husbands with their discoveries. Some rethink their immediate fears and write back to me saying that after questioning their husbands with the information, and they were made to second-guess their suspicions when their husbands give them a perfectly logical explanation as to how these websites appeared. Here are some of the most common explanations:
1. “He claims he has no clue how they got there. Someone else must have been using the computer.” In other words, there are gay men sneaking into your home and using your computer to go to gay pornographic websites right under your nose but you don’t notice it.
2. “A friend of his at work is having sexual identity problems. He asked my husband to do some research for him because he’s too embarrassed to do it himself.” This means that your husband must be an exceptional man if he is willing to help a gay man come to terms with his homosexuality by visiting numerous gay porno sites. Does this educate your husband so he can be an effective helper?
3. “My husband said that it is normal for men to look at all kinds of sexual sites. It doesn’t mean anything just because the sites are gay. It’s normal curiosity.” I still haven’t met the straight man yet who is sexually turned on by the site of men having sex. Curiosity may account for a one-time look, but not repeated visits.
4. “My husband said that just because he is looking at gay sites doesn’t mean that he is going to have sex with men.” So why isn’t he looking at sites where women are having sex with men? Why doesn’t that turn him on instead?”
Well, I stand by my words. Straight men don’t view gay porno sites. Consider this the confirmation you are looking for. You don’t have to look any further. You definitely have a problem, or shall I say, your husband and your marriage definitely have a problem.
As hurtful as this confirmation may be, these are the lucky women because they have something concrete to back up their suspicions. I hurt for the women who just can’t get any proof. Their husbands don’t use a home computer or have a computer at work that can’t be accessed. They are experts at covering their trails and leave no hard evidence around.
For those of you who write to me who are perplexed and confused about how to find proof about your husbands, let me say this. Some of you will never find what you are looking for no matter how hard you look. I know women who have spent countless thousands of dollars hiring private detectives to track their husbands and they still didn’t get the proof they needed. That’s because you would literally have to shadow someone day in and day out for long periods of time before you could sometimes find that proof. Some of these men are very clever and very cautious. They carefully cover their tracks so no information can be found. Unless you have tens of thousands of dollars to spend on this, it’s virtually undoable. I give a lot of credit to the ingenuity of some of the women who write to me who go to such lengths to find any slipup. This includes going through cell phone bills, putting taps on the phones at home, and carefully scrutinizing credit card bills and receipts. Sometimes there is an answer by doing all of this. But sometimes there are no answers and more often, no way to access this information.
So let me give this word of encouragement. Most often, a woman’s best proof is her own sense of intuition. I trust that more than I trust other findings. Women have a sixth sense when it comes to these matters. I often ask women who write to me why they suspect their husbands are gay as opposed to having an affair with another woman. And the reasons usually fall into line. Every blue moon I am able to comfort a woman and tell her that her suspicions don’t seem to indicate homosexuality, but that is the rarity. And believe me, I’m thrilled when I am able to relieve someone’s fears. But in almost all cases, I know there is a problem.
Most women who write to me for help are not women who are in happy marriages. I’m still at a loss to understand why people are willing to stay in a marriage that is not rewarding, lacks affection and passion, and gives little if any emotional encouragement or self-esteem building. I say this to women who are in marriages with straight men, not just gay men. I believe that life is short—unless, of course, you are saddled in a bad relationship. Then it becomes very long and grueling. I never quite understand why women are willing to throw away years of their life that could be rewarding and fulfilling to stay in a relationship that is debilitating and at best, existing. People marry with good intentions, but that doesn’t mean it is going to work out. Ironically, women married to gay men try to stick out their marriages much longer than women in unhappy straight marriages I understand why, but it’s not a pleasant picture.
Women who are married to gay men feel this need to keep trying to make something work that is not workable. They internalize that the failure of the marriage is their failure, when in fact, there is nothing they can do to make these marriages successful. It’s beyond their control, but they can’t accept that internally. They go back to the “if only” game—“if only I can be a better wife, my husband will love me more and be happy with me.” As I’ve discussed in earlier newsletters, this just doesn’t happen. We are not the cause of our husbands’ unhappiness in the marriage. Homosexuality is the cause. We just look like the cause to them because we are what is standing in the way of them acting on their needs, so we become the “whipping girls” so to speak.
So, for the record, let me say this. If your marriage is failing and you have tried every reasonable thing to make it better and it still isn’t working, cut your losses. Stop looking for proof and wasting more days, months, and years. Look for a way to get out of the marriage. Start making a plan to find a way to move on. You don’t have to feel guilty or like a failure. The longer you stay in a destructive marriage, the worse you will feel. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you. You’ll never have the chance to find out what you could have if you hold yourself back just waiting for it to happen. You have to take action. You have control of your future even if you can’t control the present.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Every week, I receive dozens of letters from women who are desperate to find “proof” that their husbands are “bisexual” or gay. On my website at http://www.gayhusbands.com/, I have a section called, “Catch Him.” It gives women the directions to check their computer’s temporary Internet files on line to see if there are any gay sites that their husbands are visiting. Some of these women write back to me after finding the evidence that they were so afraid of finding. At the same time, there is a great sense of relief because their suspicions were finally confirmed.
It’s interesting to see the various emotional reactions after women confront their husbands with their discoveries. Some rethink their immediate fears and write back to me saying that after questioning their husbands with the information, and they were made to second-guess their suspicions when their husbands give them a perfectly logical explanation as to how these websites appeared. Here are some of the most common explanations:
1. “He claims he has no clue how they got there. Someone else must have been using the computer.” In other words, there are gay men sneaking into your home and using your computer to go to gay pornographic websites right under your nose but you don’t notice it.
2. “A friend of his at work is having sexual identity problems. He asked my husband to do some research for him because he’s too embarrassed to do it himself.” This means that your husband must be an exceptional man if he is willing to help a gay man come to terms with his homosexuality by visiting numerous gay porno sites. Does this educate your husband so he can be an effective helper?
3. “My husband said that it is normal for men to look at all kinds of sexual sites. It doesn’t mean anything just because the sites are gay. It’s normal curiosity.” I still haven’t met the straight man yet who is sexually turned on by the site of men having sex. Curiosity may account for a one-time look, but not repeated visits.
4. “My husband said that just because he is looking at gay sites doesn’t mean that he is going to have sex with men.” So why isn’t he looking at sites where women are having sex with men? Why doesn’t that turn him on instead?”
Well, I stand by my words. Straight men don’t view gay porno sites. Consider this the confirmation you are looking for. You don’t have to look any further. You definitely have a problem, or shall I say, your husband and your marriage definitely have a problem.
As hurtful as this confirmation may be, these are the lucky women because they have something concrete to back up their suspicions. I hurt for the women who just can’t get any proof. Their husbands don’t use a home computer or have a computer at work that can’t be accessed. They are experts at covering their trails and leave no hard evidence around.
For those of you who write to me who are perplexed and confused about how to find proof about your husbands, let me say this. Some of you will never find what you are looking for no matter how hard you look. I know women who have spent countless thousands of dollars hiring private detectives to track their husbands and they still didn’t get the proof they needed. That’s because you would literally have to shadow someone day in and day out for long periods of time before you could sometimes find that proof. Some of these men are very clever and very cautious. They carefully cover their tracks so no information can be found. Unless you have tens of thousands of dollars to spend on this, it’s virtually undoable. I give a lot of credit to the ingenuity of some of the women who write to me who go to such lengths to find any slipup. This includes going through cell phone bills, putting taps on the phones at home, and carefully scrutinizing credit card bills and receipts. Sometimes there is an answer by doing all of this. But sometimes there are no answers and more often, no way to access this information.
So let me give this word of encouragement. Most often, a woman’s best proof is her own sense of intuition. I trust that more than I trust other findings. Women have a sixth sense when it comes to these matters. I often ask women who write to me why they suspect their husbands are gay as opposed to having an affair with another woman. And the reasons usually fall into line. Every blue moon I am able to comfort a woman and tell her that her suspicions don’t seem to indicate homosexuality, but that is the rarity. And believe me, I’m thrilled when I am able to relieve someone’s fears. But in almost all cases, I know there is a problem.
Most women who write to me for help are not women who are in happy marriages. I’m still at a loss to understand why people are willing to stay in a marriage that is not rewarding, lacks affection and passion, and gives little if any emotional encouragement or self-esteem building. I say this to women who are in marriages with straight men, not just gay men. I believe that life is short—unless, of course, you are saddled in a bad relationship. Then it becomes very long and grueling. I never quite understand why women are willing to throw away years of their life that could be rewarding and fulfilling to stay in a relationship that is debilitating and at best, existing. People marry with good intentions, but that doesn’t mean it is going to work out. Ironically, women married to gay men try to stick out their marriages much longer than women in unhappy straight marriages I understand why, but it’s not a pleasant picture.
Women who are married to gay men feel this need to keep trying to make something work that is not workable. They internalize that the failure of the marriage is their failure, when in fact, there is nothing they can do to make these marriages successful. It’s beyond their control, but they can’t accept that internally. They go back to the “if only” game—“if only I can be a better wife, my husband will love me more and be happy with me.” As I’ve discussed in earlier newsletters, this just doesn’t happen. We are not the cause of our husbands’ unhappiness in the marriage. Homosexuality is the cause. We just look like the cause to them because we are what is standing in the way of them acting on their needs, so we become the “whipping girls” so to speak.
So, for the record, let me say this. If your marriage is failing and you have tried every reasonable thing to make it better and it still isn’t working, cut your losses. Stop looking for proof and wasting more days, months, and years. Look for a way to get out of the marriage. Start making a plan to find a way to move on. You don’t have to feel guilty or like a failure. The longer you stay in a destructive marriage, the worse you will feel. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you. You’ll never have the chance to find out what you could have if you hold yourself back just waiting for it to happen. You have to take action. You have control of your future even if you can’t control the present.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Monday, October 1, 2001
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter October, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 8
HEY, BONNIE KAYE, I’M GOING TO BE THE EXCEPTION TO YOUR RULE
at the moment of confession will not be the way it will stay indefinitely. I go on to state that when a husband is finally ready to reveal his sexuality, it is not unusual for him to try desperately to find a way to keep his marriage together if he is not ready to leave it. Most men don’t confess the truth until they are ready to leave the marriage, but some reveal the information in an effort to “cleanse their guilt” and hope that this will absolve them from their homosexuality. After all, isn’t confession good for the soul?
A few of these women get angry with me claiming that I don’t understand. Their husbands are good men who have been wonderful husbands and fathers except in this one instance. They can’t understand why I would want to break up a perfectly good marriage when they could get help to resolve this one problem. And their husbands chime in. “I can change. I will go for help and be able to keep my marriage together.” And they begin to go for family counseling together, finding out ways to work around this problem that will make the couple live happily ever after forever. They will show me that my jaded views on straight/gay marriages are not true in every case.
So, let me reiterate this again. I know that there are exceptions to every rule. I am sure that there must be a marriage out there that is working out well, even though I haven’t found it yet. It all depends on what you consider to be a marriage that is working.
Recently, an angry woman refuted the information that I sent to her, calling me on numerous quotes from the newsletters. She claimed that her marriage was wonderful in most ways. In fact, in one of her correspondences to me she stated,
“I think because of his gay tendencies, he has been more attentive, more loving, more sensitive, more compassionate....His gay side has been an attribute to his personality.”
I don’t doubt these words. Most of us fell in love with our gay husbands because they were attentive, sensitive and compassionate.
Another statement she made was:
“I was a confident, fulfilled, happily married woman, wife and mother. He did have a secret life going on but it did not affect me, or how I was living. Not until he "came out" did our lives begin to change, and I sense that they will turn for the better, not for the worse, or the dissolving of our marriage.”
I am not quite sure what this means. To me, if a husband is having a secret life, how can it not affect you when the news comes out? I personally believe that this information means that the life you think you were living with someone is a lie. And not just a little fib, but a totally big lie. If a husband is having a secret life apart from you, regardless of the sexuality issue, how does this equate to something that will make your marriage turn for the better? If any of you understand this, please educate me—I’m a willing learner.
She then continues:
“I take it from this that you believe that there is simply NO WAY that you will support those trying to keep their marriages in tact, you even say that you will REFUSE to support anyone, like us, who is determined to keep our marriage together, and that you will only give support and understanding to those that are dissolving their marriages. It seems as if you are an advocate for divorce instead of restoration. We are looking for restoration, not devastation.”
Well, yes, that is true. I just don’t know how in good conscience to give support to couples who want to keep these marriages together. I don’t know how to tell any woman that she has to try to understand that her husband will always on some level be attracted to other men. I don’t know how to advise women that no matter how hard they try to be good wives that this will never be enough to stop their husbands from wanting to have sex with men. I don’t know how to get women to erase from their minds and memories the information that they have come to learn, nor do I know why I should expect them to accept this as acceptable in a marriage based on trust between two people.
And I’m okay with this. I’ll take my chances keeping my points of view. I know that there are marriages that are coping through this situation for various reasons. They are staying together because it fits whatever needs are there. They can be for financial reasons, family reasons, or emotional reasons. And I am willing to give support to anyone who is in a marriage like this as long as they understand that I am not supporting the marriage—but rather her.
The women that I work with are in all different phases of their lives. Although the majority of women are divorced, some are still in their marriages. But those who are in them have no false illusions or hopes. They are there physically because of circumstances, but they are not there mentally or emotionally. I give them support so they do not get lost in an emotional blitz of unreality and denial. Some women just can’t make the break at the moment, but they don’t delude themselves into thinking that their marriages are working. They are working the marriage because at the moment, they need to for various reasons. They are wise to the fact that their marriages will never be what they need them to be, and they don’t try to make them into something that they can’t be. They know that when the right time arises, they will be able to physically leave as well.
Chances are, if you are married and on the mailing list for this newsletter, you know exactly what I mean. Sometimes women are stuck in relationships due to various predicaments. I have a number of you whom I correspond with regularly who are there out of obligation because your husbands are ill and you can’t walk away. You are good women who have made a conscious decision to do what you have to for the time being until the opportunity comes when you can break free and live with your own conscience. But to encourage you to stay in your marriages by telling you to forgive your husband for marrying you knowing he was gay, or to understand that he later came to terms with his homosexuality and it’s not a big deal, would be ludicrous. I won’t do it. I can’t do it.
As I advised this woman, there are people you can find who can accept this way of life. The Internet affords people the opportunity to search for magical answers and solutions that fit everyone’s needs if you search long and hard enough that I don’t give. There are couples who are living with homosexuality in their marriages and somehow coping with it and even accepting it. And there are all kinds of well meaning and professional people out there who will tell them they are doing the right thing. I am sure that Dr. Laura would advise couples to make their marriages work by telling the gay husband to hold off on acting on his sexual impulses until the children are grown. After all, it’s much better for children to be raised by two parents than one, which is not the way I feel when a marriage is just a functional marriage. I’m don’t know how gay men put aside their feelings for twenty years or so and don’t act on them, but if they can, more power to them. I’m sure there are men out there who are doing this even though I haven’t ran across them. And in all fairness, is this the right thing to do to the wife? Give her a sense of false security that the marriage is workable until the children are grown and then say, “Well honey, the kids are grown and now it’s time for me to pursue my own life?” Now that the wife has invested years of her time building a marriage, she is faced with the same nightmare only at a later time when she has to start over and it’s more difficult because years of her life have been wasted in a relationship that is ending.
And one last comment that I’d like to share with you that offended this woman:
“I resent being told that "Gay men do not belong married to straight women. Period. " How can you say that with such absoluteness, without knowing individual situations? This implies ALL, every single one. That none should be married. Period. How can you make such a definite, 100% claim?”
All I can say here is that I stand by my words. Gay men do not belong in marriages to straight women. Period. 100%.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
at the moment of confession will not be the way it will stay indefinitely. I go on to state that when a husband is finally ready to reveal his sexuality, it is not unusual for him to try desperately to find a way to keep his marriage together if he is not ready to leave it. Most men don’t confess the truth until they are ready to leave the marriage, but some reveal the information in an effort to “cleanse their guilt” and hope that this will absolve them from their homosexuality. After all, isn’t confession good for the soul?
A few of these women get angry with me claiming that I don’t understand. Their husbands are good men who have been wonderful husbands and fathers except in this one instance. They can’t understand why I would want to break up a perfectly good marriage when they could get help to resolve this one problem. And their husbands chime in. “I can change. I will go for help and be able to keep my marriage together.” And they begin to go for family counseling together, finding out ways to work around this problem that will make the couple live happily ever after forever. They will show me that my jaded views on straight/gay marriages are not true in every case.
So, let me reiterate this again. I know that there are exceptions to every rule. I am sure that there must be a marriage out there that is working out well, even though I haven’t found it yet. It all depends on what you consider to be a marriage that is working.
Recently, an angry woman refuted the information that I sent to her, calling me on numerous quotes from the newsletters. She claimed that her marriage was wonderful in most ways. In fact, in one of her correspondences to me she stated,
“I think because of his gay tendencies, he has been more attentive, more loving, more sensitive, more compassionate....His gay side has been an attribute to his personality.”
I don’t doubt these words. Most of us fell in love with our gay husbands because they were attentive, sensitive and compassionate.
Another statement she made was:
“I was a confident, fulfilled, happily married woman, wife and mother. He did have a secret life going on but it did not affect me, or how I was living. Not until he "came out" did our lives begin to change, and I sense that they will turn for the better, not for the worse, or the dissolving of our marriage.”
I am not quite sure what this means. To me, if a husband is having a secret life, how can it not affect you when the news comes out? I personally believe that this information means that the life you think you were living with someone is a lie. And not just a little fib, but a totally big lie. If a husband is having a secret life apart from you, regardless of the sexuality issue, how does this equate to something that will make your marriage turn for the better? If any of you understand this, please educate me—I’m a willing learner.
She then continues:
“I take it from this that you believe that there is simply NO WAY that you will support those trying to keep their marriages in tact, you even say that you will REFUSE to support anyone, like us, who is determined to keep our marriage together, and that you will only give support and understanding to those that are dissolving their marriages. It seems as if you are an advocate for divorce instead of restoration. We are looking for restoration, not devastation.”
Well, yes, that is true. I just don’t know how in good conscience to give support to couples who want to keep these marriages together. I don’t know how to tell any woman that she has to try to understand that her husband will always on some level be attracted to other men. I don’t know how to advise women that no matter how hard they try to be good wives that this will never be enough to stop their husbands from wanting to have sex with men. I don’t know how to get women to erase from their minds and memories the information that they have come to learn, nor do I know why I should expect them to accept this as acceptable in a marriage based on trust between two people.
And I’m okay with this. I’ll take my chances keeping my points of view. I know that there are marriages that are coping through this situation for various reasons. They are staying together because it fits whatever needs are there. They can be for financial reasons, family reasons, or emotional reasons. And I am willing to give support to anyone who is in a marriage like this as long as they understand that I am not supporting the marriage—but rather her.
The women that I work with are in all different phases of their lives. Although the majority of women are divorced, some are still in their marriages. But those who are in them have no false illusions or hopes. They are there physically because of circumstances, but they are not there mentally or emotionally. I give them support so they do not get lost in an emotional blitz of unreality and denial. Some women just can’t make the break at the moment, but they don’t delude themselves into thinking that their marriages are working. They are working the marriage because at the moment, they need to for various reasons. They are wise to the fact that their marriages will never be what they need them to be, and they don’t try to make them into something that they can’t be. They know that when the right time arises, they will be able to physically leave as well.
Chances are, if you are married and on the mailing list for this newsletter, you know exactly what I mean. Sometimes women are stuck in relationships due to various predicaments. I have a number of you whom I correspond with regularly who are there out of obligation because your husbands are ill and you can’t walk away. You are good women who have made a conscious decision to do what you have to for the time being until the opportunity comes when you can break free and live with your own conscience. But to encourage you to stay in your marriages by telling you to forgive your husband for marrying you knowing he was gay, or to understand that he later came to terms with his homosexuality and it’s not a big deal, would be ludicrous. I won’t do it. I can’t do it.
As I advised this woman, there are people you can find who can accept this way of life. The Internet affords people the opportunity to search for magical answers and solutions that fit everyone’s needs if you search long and hard enough that I don’t give. There are couples who are living with homosexuality in their marriages and somehow coping with it and even accepting it. And there are all kinds of well meaning and professional people out there who will tell them they are doing the right thing. I am sure that Dr. Laura would advise couples to make their marriages work by telling the gay husband to hold off on acting on his sexual impulses until the children are grown. After all, it’s much better for children to be raised by two parents than one, which is not the way I feel when a marriage is just a functional marriage. I’m don’t know how gay men put aside their feelings for twenty years or so and don’t act on them, but if they can, more power to them. I’m sure there are men out there who are doing this even though I haven’t ran across them. And in all fairness, is this the right thing to do to the wife? Give her a sense of false security that the marriage is workable until the children are grown and then say, “Well honey, the kids are grown and now it’s time for me to pursue my own life?” Now that the wife has invested years of her time building a marriage, she is faced with the same nightmare only at a later time when she has to start over and it’s more difficult because years of her life have been wasted in a relationship that is ending.
And one last comment that I’d like to share with you that offended this woman:
“I resent being told that "Gay men do not belong married to straight women. Period. " How can you say that with such absoluteness, without knowing individual situations? This implies ALL, every single one. That none should be married. Period. How can you make such a definite, 100% claim?”
All I can say here is that I stand by my words. Gay men do not belong in marriages to straight women. Period. 100%.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter October, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 8
FACING OUR FEARS OF DEALING WITH A GAY HUSBAND
In my last newsletter, I promised that I would address the most common fears women have when they are finally able to accept that they are married to a gay man. These are the same fears I had when I learned about my husband. I think that the fear of the unknown is much more difficult to deal with than the truth. These questions are painful, but they need to be discussed to alleviate some of your irrational worries and help you understand your rational ones.
Q If my husband is gay, will my children be gay?
A. It’s possible. I was scared for years. I believe that gay is genetic, not a choice or learned behavior, and I know that genes can be passed on to children. In the 1980’s as I met a greater number of families and started calculating multiple homosexual members of the immediate or extended family, I began to see a pattern that really alarmed me. No one wants to have a homosexual child. That is not a homophobic statement at all, but rather one based on a mother’s love for her child. We all know how difficult it is to be gay in our society, and we don’t want our children to have to face those hardships. However, recognizing that this was possible, I raised my children in an environment of positive feelings about homosexuality from a young age.
I corrected them when they would repeat derogatory statements they heard from friends, classmates, teachers, neighbors, and even television. I was honest about my friends who were openly gay and allowed them to serve as role models long before they knew about their father’s homosexuality. I emphasized that people had no choice in their sexuality any more than they had a choice in their color, height, or eye color. Just because people were different, it didn’t make them wrong or bad. I did this because I knew there was a greater chance of one or both of my children being gay because their father was gay. And, I later learned that my ex-husband’s father was “bisexual,” even though Michael had never met him because he was adopted by extended family members at birth.
As things turned out, our daughter, now 21, is a lesbian. When I discovered this two-and-a-half years ago, I cried. No matter how much you prepare yourself for this possibility, you still cry when it becomes a reality. And when I finished crying, I hugged her and told her that I didn’t care—and I don’t. My daughter told me that thanks to my attitude, she was able to accept who she was without running away from it and hiding like her father felt he had to do. She was comfortable with her sexuality. For that, I am grateful. I know all of the confusion and pain her father lived with for years trying to accepting himself. I assure you that my daughter will not be marrying some unsuspecting man to prove that she is straight. I feel good about that. Ironically, it was much easier for me to accept my daughter’s homosexuality than it was for her father to accept it. And, her father is extremely defensive and angry if I bring up the fact that this is genetic, as if I am blaming him. There is no blame here, nor do I hold him responsible. But I know there is a part of him that feels responsible even though there is no blame intended.
I have spoken to so many women who have experienced one or more of their children being gay or struggling with accepting their homosexuality. I know that it is heartbreaking, but don’t let this be a barrier between you and your child. By now you should understand that homosexuality is not a choice that anyone would consciously make. There are no choices when it comes to this. Love your child without letting this become an issue, otherwise you will both lose out. And in case this is a fear that becomes your reality as it did mine, stop the negative gay talk in front of your children lest they get the message that there is something wrong with them that will stop you from loving them if they are gay.
Q. Can my child’s sexuality be influenced if she/he spends time with his/her father and sees his lifestyle?
A. Absolutely not. Gay is not something that can be influenced when it comes to a person’s sexuality. No one can “become” gay by hanging around gay people. Sexuality does not “rub off” on children. It can influence their opinions in either a positive or negative way about homosexuality, but it doesn’t “turn them gay.” I find it so sad when I receive letters from time to time from women who have this terrible fear and for that reason, do their best to keep their children out of the reach of the fathers. This certainly can’t help the situation and in fact, only worsens it. A child needs a father, and sexuality shouldn’t be the issue. Responsible parenting should be the only concern. That being said, a gay father also has the responsibility to be sensitive to a child’s feelings. If a child is uncomfortable being in a gay environment such as parties, picnics, social gatherings, etc., that should be the first consideration. Also, it isn’t surprising that a child will feel uncomfortable with the father’s lifestyle, especially during adolescence. No matter how much a child loves a father, it doesn’t mean he or she is going to be comfortable with homosexuality through those difficult years. .
Q. Do I have to worry about my gay husband being around my son? I read stories about some gay men liking younger boys and it scares me. And what about his gay friends? Will they go after my son?
A. I understand this fear. It comes from the darkest side of the horror stories that we tend to hear when learning about homosexuality. I think a lot of this fear comes from the fact that our own husbands or ex-husbands are fixated on younger men. But it’s ironic how we don’t fear for our daughters when we are married to straight men. The thought of incest would never cross our minds, even though there is a far greater number of a father-daughter incestuous relationship than there are gay father-son concerns. I won’t say that this doesn’t happen or can’t happen, but I certainly wouldn’t worry about this happening. This is a very irrational fear. Just because a person is gay doesn’t mean that he is a child molester. It is so important to be able to differentiate between homosexuals and pedophiles.
Homosexuals often get the bum rap of being pedophiles, which is very disturbing to me. Pedophiles prey on innocent children, male and female, without much differentiation on whom they victimize. Even within the realm of pedophilia, there are many different kinds of child molesters, which make the situation even more complex. However, it is not unusual for gay men to like guys who are much younger than they are. We feel this sense of discomfort when we find many of our husbands going after or out with younger men once they come out. This certainly does seem to be the natural trend with gay men, especially when they come out at a later age. I have no concrete answer on why this happens, just numerous theories formed from the answers I’ve received from the gay men that I discuss this with, including my own ex-husband. Some say it’s because they are recapturing their own youth; others say they are finally being able to act on the attraction they’ve had since they were that age but never had the chance to act on it.
Although the following statement will offend the sensitivities of some of my gay friends, I’ll risk it. The value system of gay men differs from the value system of straight women when it comes to acceptance of having sexual relations with younger men in their teenage years. What would be totally unacceptable for us to accept as proper conduct is quite acceptable within the gay way of thinking. I am not sure where gay men draw the line of acceptable ages for pursing young men. However, I don’t think that many gay men would object to a man at any age having sexual encounters with teenagers who are 17 or 18. The concern we all have is where does the line stop the drop. Is 16 okay? Is 15 or 14? 13? There are some very shaky grounds when we speak about this.
As wives or ex-wives, the thoughts of our husbands being with young men whom we see as teenagers is a repulsive thought. We would feel a sense of repulsion of our husbands were straight and pursing 17 year old girls, so it’s not just a gay issue. However, we are so devastated by the imagery of our husbands with other men, that the thought of them being with younger men still in their teens is far more discomforting to us. This added to the fact that this is not only acceptable but also common behavior within the gay community is what is so upsetting to us. The explanation that these teenage boys are seeking older men because it represents a sense of security, experience, and stability doesn’t comfort us at all. We are still sickened at the visualization.
We are also worried about our own sons. It’s a common fear that most of us have on some level. Will our husbands’ friends be pursing our sons as they go through their adolescent years? I worried about it. Is it a rational fear? I don’t know, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way.
Q. Now that I know that my husband is gay, do I have to be worried that I have AIDS?
A. I think this is the first thing that comes to the minds of women once the words of “gay” are spoken. They are petrified that they might be infected with AIDS. Obviously, there is still a lot of misconceptions about AIDS or else they wouldn’t be so worried. Ironically, most of the women who write to me about this fear haven’t had sexual relations with their husbands for years. They have nothing to worry about. Is it possible to get AIDS without sex? Well, I won’t say no but the chances of it happening are so remote. AIDS is not airborne, nor can you get it from drinking from the same glass, using the same towel, or sharing the same bed. It is transmitted through blood or semen, so if you and your gay mate have been sharing needles it is possible. Once blood reaches the air, the virus dies within a matter of seconds. So unless your husband has been bleeding on you after he is cut and you have an open wound, I wouldn’t worry about it. I tell women that if it will give you peace of mind to be tested, than do it. But there is no reason to have this irrational fear if you haven’t had sexual relations with your husband for over a year.
But, if your husband has had recent sexual relations with you, then definitely get tested. Even if he tells you that he hasn’t acted on his homosexuality, get tested anyway. Gay men coming out to their wives often lie about their sexual experiences because it is too difficult to tell the truth. Sometimes the truth comes out weeks, months, or years later. Sometimes it never comes out. So you do need to protect yourself and get tested.
If you have had recent sexual relations with your husband, it is good to check out all sexually transmitted diseases—not just AIDS. Numerous women have had complications because they had STDs and were not aware of it until complications prevailed. STDs can fester for a while before they appear so you may think you’re safe when you’re not.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
In my last newsletter, I promised that I would address the most common fears women have when they are finally able to accept that they are married to a gay man. These are the same fears I had when I learned about my husband. I think that the fear of the unknown is much more difficult to deal with than the truth. These questions are painful, but they need to be discussed to alleviate some of your irrational worries and help you understand your rational ones.
Q If my husband is gay, will my children be gay?
A. It’s possible. I was scared for years. I believe that gay is genetic, not a choice or learned behavior, and I know that genes can be passed on to children. In the 1980’s as I met a greater number of families and started calculating multiple homosexual members of the immediate or extended family, I began to see a pattern that really alarmed me. No one wants to have a homosexual child. That is not a homophobic statement at all, but rather one based on a mother’s love for her child. We all know how difficult it is to be gay in our society, and we don’t want our children to have to face those hardships. However, recognizing that this was possible, I raised my children in an environment of positive feelings about homosexuality from a young age.
I corrected them when they would repeat derogatory statements they heard from friends, classmates, teachers, neighbors, and even television. I was honest about my friends who were openly gay and allowed them to serve as role models long before they knew about their father’s homosexuality. I emphasized that people had no choice in their sexuality any more than they had a choice in their color, height, or eye color. Just because people were different, it didn’t make them wrong or bad. I did this because I knew there was a greater chance of one or both of my children being gay because their father was gay. And, I later learned that my ex-husband’s father was “bisexual,” even though Michael had never met him because he was adopted by extended family members at birth.
As things turned out, our daughter, now 21, is a lesbian. When I discovered this two-and-a-half years ago, I cried. No matter how much you prepare yourself for this possibility, you still cry when it becomes a reality. And when I finished crying, I hugged her and told her that I didn’t care—and I don’t. My daughter told me that thanks to my attitude, she was able to accept who she was without running away from it and hiding like her father felt he had to do. She was comfortable with her sexuality. For that, I am grateful. I know all of the confusion and pain her father lived with for years trying to accepting himself. I assure you that my daughter will not be marrying some unsuspecting man to prove that she is straight. I feel good about that. Ironically, it was much easier for me to accept my daughter’s homosexuality than it was for her father to accept it. And, her father is extremely defensive and angry if I bring up the fact that this is genetic, as if I am blaming him. There is no blame here, nor do I hold him responsible. But I know there is a part of him that feels responsible even though there is no blame intended.
I have spoken to so many women who have experienced one or more of their children being gay or struggling with accepting their homosexuality. I know that it is heartbreaking, but don’t let this be a barrier between you and your child. By now you should understand that homosexuality is not a choice that anyone would consciously make. There are no choices when it comes to this. Love your child without letting this become an issue, otherwise you will both lose out. And in case this is a fear that becomes your reality as it did mine, stop the negative gay talk in front of your children lest they get the message that there is something wrong with them that will stop you from loving them if they are gay.
Q. Can my child’s sexuality be influenced if she/he spends time with his/her father and sees his lifestyle?
A. Absolutely not. Gay is not something that can be influenced when it comes to a person’s sexuality. No one can “become” gay by hanging around gay people. Sexuality does not “rub off” on children. It can influence their opinions in either a positive or negative way about homosexuality, but it doesn’t “turn them gay.” I find it so sad when I receive letters from time to time from women who have this terrible fear and for that reason, do their best to keep their children out of the reach of the fathers. This certainly can’t help the situation and in fact, only worsens it. A child needs a father, and sexuality shouldn’t be the issue. Responsible parenting should be the only concern. That being said, a gay father also has the responsibility to be sensitive to a child’s feelings. If a child is uncomfortable being in a gay environment such as parties, picnics, social gatherings, etc., that should be the first consideration. Also, it isn’t surprising that a child will feel uncomfortable with the father’s lifestyle, especially during adolescence. No matter how much a child loves a father, it doesn’t mean he or she is going to be comfortable with homosexuality through those difficult years. .
Q. Do I have to worry about my gay husband being around my son? I read stories about some gay men liking younger boys and it scares me. And what about his gay friends? Will they go after my son?
A. I understand this fear. It comes from the darkest side of the horror stories that we tend to hear when learning about homosexuality. I think a lot of this fear comes from the fact that our own husbands or ex-husbands are fixated on younger men. But it’s ironic how we don’t fear for our daughters when we are married to straight men. The thought of incest would never cross our minds, even though there is a far greater number of a father-daughter incestuous relationship than there are gay father-son concerns. I won’t say that this doesn’t happen or can’t happen, but I certainly wouldn’t worry about this happening. This is a very irrational fear. Just because a person is gay doesn’t mean that he is a child molester. It is so important to be able to differentiate between homosexuals and pedophiles.
Homosexuals often get the bum rap of being pedophiles, which is very disturbing to me. Pedophiles prey on innocent children, male and female, without much differentiation on whom they victimize. Even within the realm of pedophilia, there are many different kinds of child molesters, which make the situation even more complex. However, it is not unusual for gay men to like guys who are much younger than they are. We feel this sense of discomfort when we find many of our husbands going after or out with younger men once they come out. This certainly does seem to be the natural trend with gay men, especially when they come out at a later age. I have no concrete answer on why this happens, just numerous theories formed from the answers I’ve received from the gay men that I discuss this with, including my own ex-husband. Some say it’s because they are recapturing their own youth; others say they are finally being able to act on the attraction they’ve had since they were that age but never had the chance to act on it.
Although the following statement will offend the sensitivities of some of my gay friends, I’ll risk it. The value system of gay men differs from the value system of straight women when it comes to acceptance of having sexual relations with younger men in their teenage years. What would be totally unacceptable for us to accept as proper conduct is quite acceptable within the gay way of thinking. I am not sure where gay men draw the line of acceptable ages for pursing young men. However, I don’t think that many gay men would object to a man at any age having sexual encounters with teenagers who are 17 or 18. The concern we all have is where does the line stop the drop. Is 16 okay? Is 15 or 14? 13? There are some very shaky grounds when we speak about this.
As wives or ex-wives, the thoughts of our husbands being with young men whom we see as teenagers is a repulsive thought. We would feel a sense of repulsion of our husbands were straight and pursing 17 year old girls, so it’s not just a gay issue. However, we are so devastated by the imagery of our husbands with other men, that the thought of them being with younger men still in their teens is far more discomforting to us. This added to the fact that this is not only acceptable but also common behavior within the gay community is what is so upsetting to us. The explanation that these teenage boys are seeking older men because it represents a sense of security, experience, and stability doesn’t comfort us at all. We are still sickened at the visualization.
We are also worried about our own sons. It’s a common fear that most of us have on some level. Will our husbands’ friends be pursing our sons as they go through their adolescent years? I worried about it. Is it a rational fear? I don’t know, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way.
Q. Now that I know that my husband is gay, do I have to be worried that I have AIDS?
A. I think this is the first thing that comes to the minds of women once the words of “gay” are spoken. They are petrified that they might be infected with AIDS. Obviously, there is still a lot of misconceptions about AIDS or else they wouldn’t be so worried. Ironically, most of the women who write to me about this fear haven’t had sexual relations with their husbands for years. They have nothing to worry about. Is it possible to get AIDS without sex? Well, I won’t say no but the chances of it happening are so remote. AIDS is not airborne, nor can you get it from drinking from the same glass, using the same towel, or sharing the same bed. It is transmitted through blood or semen, so if you and your gay mate have been sharing needles it is possible. Once blood reaches the air, the virus dies within a matter of seconds. So unless your husband has been bleeding on you after he is cut and you have an open wound, I wouldn’t worry about it. I tell women that if it will give you peace of mind to be tested, than do it. But there is no reason to have this irrational fear if you haven’t had sexual relations with your husband for over a year.
But, if your husband has had recent sexual relations with you, then definitely get tested. Even if he tells you that he hasn’t acted on his homosexuality, get tested anyway. Gay men coming out to their wives often lie about their sexual experiences because it is too difficult to tell the truth. Sometimes the truth comes out weeks, months, or years later. Sometimes it never comes out. So you do need to protect yourself and get tested.
If you have had recent sexual relations with your husband, it is good to check out all sexually transmitted diseases—not just AIDS. Numerous women have had complications because they had STDs and were not aware of it until complications prevailed. STDs can fester for a while before they appear so you may think you’re safe when you’re not.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Wednesday, August 1, 2001
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter August, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 6
WHERE DO I REALLY STAND?
This leads me to mention some controversial stuff in the realm of straight/gay marriages that has come to my attention frequently as of late. I have been asked to endorse a number of organizations or events that give support to straight spouses. I have been asked why I don’t participate in different gatherings of straight groups or recommend support groups that can be found throughout the country.
After working with thousands of women in the area of straight/gay marriages for 18 years, including being a public pioneer for awareness in the early and mid 1980’s, I have developed some very strong feelings and principles. I won’t apologize for taking this position. I am here to support people, straight or gay, who are looking to transition out of their marriages, not looking for ways to live in them. I will give support and understanding to anyone who is going through this mess with the understanding that there is no way that I support these marriages staying together forever or even for years after the news comes out. I’m not giving a time line of when to leave, but I refuse to support anyone who is determined to keep her/his marriage together indefinitely. I cannot in good conscience give approval to women who are willing to accept homosexuality as a partner in their marriage. For this reason, unless I know that a group of individual supports my point of view, I can’t offer support or promotion. The only group that I do endorse in this arena is the AOL Str8 Spouses of Gays and Lesbians. I know the founders Jean and Dina, believe in what they stand for, and deeply admire their work and efforts. I do applaud anyone who gives support to anyone going through this crisis, but in order for me to give my personal public support, I have to be sure that we are coming from the same direction. I greatly admire many individuals who are part of other groups, but not necessarily what the group stands for.
A number of women whom I regularly correspond with, support, and developed friendships with are still in their marriages and that is fine. I know they are making a mental plan to leave at the right time in the future. They are not looking to find excuses for why their marriages can work in spite of the gay thing. And to those women who get angry at me for being the prophet of doom about their marriages, well, I’m sorry that I can’t make you feel better. I am basing my advice and opinions on my own experience and the experiences of thousands of women I have worked with through the years. Many of these women tried keeping their marriages together under any circumstances but failed. Why would I want anyone to suffer more than they already have?
We all make mistakes in life, and not all of them are intentional. If you learn that your husband is gay, bisexual, bi-curious, or whatever the name you choose to call it concerning his desire for men, you are living in a mistake that needs to be corrected. The problem will never go away—it will always be there no matter what. You can’t change your husband, but you can change yourself. That is what I work towards with women—changing them so they have the strength to move on to a better, more rewarding life that they deserve.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
This leads me to mention some controversial stuff in the realm of straight/gay marriages that has come to my attention frequently as of late. I have been asked to endorse a number of organizations or events that give support to straight spouses. I have been asked why I don’t participate in different gatherings of straight groups or recommend support groups that can be found throughout the country.
After working with thousands of women in the area of straight/gay marriages for 18 years, including being a public pioneer for awareness in the early and mid 1980’s, I have developed some very strong feelings and principles. I won’t apologize for taking this position. I am here to support people, straight or gay, who are looking to transition out of their marriages, not looking for ways to live in them. I will give support and understanding to anyone who is going through this mess with the understanding that there is no way that I support these marriages staying together forever or even for years after the news comes out. I’m not giving a time line of when to leave, but I refuse to support anyone who is determined to keep her/his marriage together indefinitely. I cannot in good conscience give approval to women who are willing to accept homosexuality as a partner in their marriage. For this reason, unless I know that a group of individual supports my point of view, I can’t offer support or promotion. The only group that I do endorse in this arena is the AOL Str8 Spouses of Gays and Lesbians. I know the founders Jean and Dina, believe in what they stand for, and deeply admire their work and efforts. I do applaud anyone who gives support to anyone going through this crisis, but in order for me to give my personal public support, I have to be sure that we are coming from the same direction. I greatly admire many individuals who are part of other groups, but not necessarily what the group stands for.
A number of women whom I regularly correspond with, support, and developed friendships with are still in their marriages and that is fine. I know they are making a mental plan to leave at the right time in the future. They are not looking to find excuses for why their marriages can work in spite of the gay thing. And to those women who get angry at me for being the prophet of doom about their marriages, well, I’m sorry that I can’t make you feel better. I am basing my advice and opinions on my own experience and the experiences of thousands of women I have worked with through the years. Many of these women tried keeping their marriages together under any circumstances but failed. Why would I want anyone to suffer more than they already have?
We all make mistakes in life, and not all of them are intentional. If you learn that your husband is gay, bisexual, bi-curious, or whatever the name you choose to call it concerning his desire for men, you are living in a mistake that needs to be corrected. The problem will never go away—it will always be there no matter what. You can’t change your husband, but you can change yourself. That is what I work towards with women—changing them so they have the strength to move on to a better, more rewarding life that they deserve.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Friday, June 1, 2001
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter June, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 4
A TRIBUTE TO VIVIEN LEIGH AND ALL OF THE OTHER
NYMPHOMANIACS OUT THERE
A few years ago, I was watching a television special on Vivien Leigh, deceased mega-movie star best known for her role as Scarlet O’Hara in the 1939 movie saga, “Gone With the Wind.” As the story went on about her life, there was mention of the word “nymphomaniac.” The story continued about the years of depression and mental illness she endured and her tragic death after losing her battle to tuberculosis.
NYMPHOMANIACS OUT THERE
A few years ago, I was watching a television special on Vivien Leigh, deceased mega-movie star best known for her role as Scarlet O’Hara in the 1939 movie saga, “Gone With the Wind.” As the story went on about her life, there was mention of the word “nymphomaniac.” The story continued about the years of depression and mental illness she endured and her tragic death after losing her battle to tuberculosis.
When I heard the word “nymphomaniac,” it grabbed my attention and brought back some very troubling emotions. The word is derogatory for certain. When people call others this name, it is a name of shame, not admiration. I know this because I had heard this word too many times through my marriage to my gay husband. And yes, it took its toll on my self-confidence as a woman. No woman likes to be accused of being a sexually demanding partner. It is degrading to think that there is something wrong with you when you think that your sexual needs are normal.
Through the years, I heard many other women express their feelings of shame over this accusation. Of course, by then I knew the deal. I knew this was a way for some gay husbands to make their wives feel abnormal enough that they would stop asking for sex. This accusation usually came when they were running out of headache excuses to avoid the physical interaction that was being increasingly difficult to pull off.
When I investigated further about Vivien Leigh’s life, I learned that the love of her life was Sir Lawrence Olivier. Olivier was gay or as some men like to call themselves, “Bisexual.” Was I surprised to find this? No not at all. It was so much easier to label Leigh a “nymphomaniac than to understand the real problem—her husband’s homosexuality.
I understand this. I know what it’s like to be told that the fault for bad sex in a marriage is my fault. My husband used to say that I was too demanding or too pushy when it came to wanting sex. I remember what it feels like to be told that wanting sex as much as I wanted it was “abnormal.” I couldn’t understand why once or twice a week was “excessive” for a newly married couple. I would voice this concern only to be shot down with more insults. When my husband saw that I wasn’t backing off, he resorted to calling me the worst name of all…nymphomaniac. That quickly put to rest any thoughts for a night of passion. It belittled me enough not to ask again. So sex (not lovemaking) deteriorated quickly within that first year and I became too ashamed to suggest or approach it.
I learned through conditioning that I was much too “aggressive” in that area, so I stepped back and retreated.
Yep, it hurt like hell. I think this is one of the worst parts of being a wife of a gay man. It slowly strips away from you one of the most important parts of being a woman. You start to believe that you are inadequate as a lover. After all, if you were a good lover, your husband would want you, right? Well, we know in these cases, wrong, but while we’re living this way, it’s hard to keep it in perspective.
Getting back to Vivien Leigh, the more I researched her life, the angrier I became. It is common knowledge that she suffered from mental depression. She went through a series of shock treatments and was labeled manic/depressive.
Sir Lawrence Olivier finally left her twenty plus years into their marriage saying he could no longer deal with her mental state. It seems to fit the prototype of so many of our own marriages. Some biographers attribute her depression to her tuberculosis, as explained away by some medical practitioners. I guess back in the 1950’s and 1960’s, the medical field wasn’t aware of the mentally debilitating state of straight wives married to gay men. I’m sure there weren’t any support groups around for women in this position.
It’s interesting that so many of the women I hear from and work with are also taking medication for depression. Even more interesting is the fact that none of them are suffering from tuberculosis. Rather, they are depressed because they feel like they are failures in their lives and marriages. They can’t please their husbands no matter how hard they try, and they place the blame on themselves. Even after they know the real problem in their marriage, they continue to be depressed internalizing the blame. We may rationalize intellectually it’s not our fault, but on some level, our intellect is clouded by irrational emotional feelings of responsibility.
If Vivien Leigh were alive today, no doubt she would have much greater support in her struggle to understand why her marriage failed, why she was depressed, and why she was a normal woman with normal sexual desires. The love of her life went on to marry some other love in his life after the marriage ended. How that marriage worked out is a mystery.
So the next time you see a movie with Vivien Leigh, realize that we hold a common bond with her. Let her serve as an example of what can happen to a woman when she lives her life in a maze of distortion. And let us also learn from her tragedy and seek professional help to put our lives on track lest we end up spending wasted years on medications that don’t change the source of our unhappiness.
“AND TALKING ABOUT SEXUALITY’…
I won’t tiptoe around the subject. I know that sometimes it takes
a while before women are able to discuss this sensitive issue. Eventually it comes to the forefront, but sometimes it is too painful or embarrassing an issue to discuss one on one or even in a group. Therefore, I will write this to the many of you who think about it, but are too afraid to talk about it.
In my book, “Is He Straight, A Checklist for Women Who Wonder,” I have a checklist for the prototype of woman that gay men seek. Sometimes it is a conscious search; other times it is an unconscious choice. But there does seem to be a list that most of us fit in to.
The majority of women whom I hear from fit into the category of “women with limited sexual experience.” I can usually spot these women quickly because they have similar letters. They write that they thought their sexual relationship with their gay husband was satisfactory or satisfying. Usually they add in that is fine when they have “sex”---it just doesn’t happen very often. It makes me so sad that women think that the sexual acts they have had with their gay husbands is, well, for lack of a better term, “REAL SEX.” Gay husband egos aside, it is satisfactory sex, or perhaps functionary sex. But real true passion—well, it’s just not.
Truth be told—I know the difference. Not only did I have a gay husband, I also had a couple of gay boyfriends in my younger years. We did it, but it always left something to be desired. My ex-husband Michael wasn’t bad on those occasions when we had sex. But it always seemed like he had to try so hard—almost forced—after the honeymoon was over. And there’s nothing to deflate your ego more than thinking that a man is doing you a favor by making love to you—especially a man who loves you.
I called Michael last week and asked him if he could think back to the days when we were sexually involved prior to and shortly after the marriage. I told him that I needed his honest, objective opinion about our sex life together. Did he really enjoy it? Did he look forward to it? Was it a hardship for him? He told me that in the beginning, he actually did enjoy it. Having sex with me was working toward his goal of getting married and having a family. He was hoping that I would be the solution to his fantasy of the American dream. He still did not consider himself gay at that point although he had already had numerous gay sexual encounters. But he felt that he was straight because he never had an emotional entanglement with these guys. There was no kissing, hugging or intimacy—it was just sex. I hear that from many gay men who cross over the line to the straight side for a while. They are not trying to fool us—they are trying to fool Mother Nature. Or they are hoping that Mother Nature has been playing a joke on them because they are able to perform with a woman to some degree. Michael was certainly adequate enough as a lover to fool me. It was never a great sex life, but it was a good sex life for the first few months. There was nothing that out of whack that would make me suspicious that he was gay.
Now, all these years later, I am happy to say that I could definitely tell the difference. This is due to the love of an exceptional man who entered my life seven and a half years ago. It wasn’t love at first sight on his part, but it was on mine. After chasing him for 16 months, he gave in and we began what I define as the love affair of my life. We’ve had some bumpy moments in our relationship, but this is due to the fact that he is a man and I am a woman. You know how men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. One road that has never been bumpy is our sex life. After seven and a half years, it is still top of the line. He is playful and passionate. He aims to please because he gets satisfaction out of pleasing me—and it turns him on instead of off. Every encounter is an adventure. We don’t have sex—we make love. This is perhaps the real difference. Making love to someone is an important way of expressing love. Wanting to please your partner before pleasing yourself is the most unselfish form of showing love. Making sure that your partner is satisfied shows the real nature of giving love. I have come to enjoy new aspects of lovemaking that I never dreamt existed. And I don’t have to scheme about how I can have him make love to me. He is always ready, able, and willing to go. We are a middle-aged couple whose sex life is continually peaking.
This man makes me feel as if I am the most desirable woman in the world.
He hasn’t noticed that I am fat yet because his love for me blinds him to my imperfections. I haven’t noticed that he’s not Steven Segal yet because in my eyes, that’s whom he looks like. Maybe our lives are like the movie “The Enchanted Cottage”, where two people appear physically to each other only to be what they see in each other, even if no one else can see it. But isn’t that what true love really is?
They say that sex is the part of the relationship that takes the least amount of time. Maybe that’s so. But it is such an important part of a relationship because it creates intimacy, closeness, and trust. A healthy sexual relationship builds a sense of self-esteem in a woman because the woman feels desirable. For me, it gives us an added treasure to look forward to and cherish several times a week. In between, it brings us closer with holding, touching, and caressing as a sort of after-math. This keeps our love alive and flourishing.
Am I bragging? Well, sort of. But I am not doing it to make anyone jealous—but rather to make a point. There is hope for every woman whose sexual esteem has been broken and battered much like mine was. It took me 11 years to open my heart to love or sex after my marriage. I felt so deflated as a woman and as a sex partner. I was content living in a state of celibacy and suppressing that side of my human need.
I was out there looking for a while before my soulmate came floating into my life. During that period, I was met lots of men while looking for love. I had some short-term relationships and even a few shorter encounters. I was ready to awaken the side of me that had died years before during my marriage. I was awkward at first because it had been so long. But when the right moment came, I took advantage of it. I know I wasn’t at my best at first because I was so nervous, but I certainly enjoyed the passion of a straight man. It felt so nice to have someone want to fulfill that need and do it happily instead of feeling like I was forcing him. It wasn’t perfect the first time or even the tenth time, but it kept getting better as I started gaining back my sexual confidence. Yes, it’s scary starting this side of life over again, but it is so worth it. All women are born with sexuality. Women who are married to gay men have had that side suppressed or deadened by their spouse. We just learn to give up on that part of us and to bury it thinking that this is the natural course of marriage or a relationship. Please know that it can be revived and brought back to life.
My soulmate has never called me a “nymphomaniac” That’s because I’m not. I never was. I am just a normal woman with very normal sexual needs. Over the past seven and a half years, he has cultivated my sexuality and taught me that I can reach new heights of enjoyment. It is easy to keep me sexually interested because my partner never allows our sex life to become boring or mundane. He is a straight man—a straight man who appreciates a straight woman. Let this be a lesson for all of you. Never give up the part of you that helps maintain your identity as a woman. Give yourself a chance to be loved again. Look for your soulmate because chances are, he is out there looking for you.
“GET OVER IT”
Another problem that many women write to me about is the pressure they get from family members or friends to “get over it” when it comes to recovery from their marriages. They can’t understand why they are having such trouble doing this, and they feel even more inadequate (as if we need more to feel worse about) because it just isn’t happening as quickly as other people.
I get upset when I hear this pressure expressed from women who are really trying to move past their anger and hurt but not at the pace that others expect of them. After all, marriages fall apart all of the time. In fact, almost 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce. People start over again and find new relationships. Why are you having such a hard time?
What other people don’t realize is that there are numerous issues that we have to deal with after a marriage to a gay spouse ends. Some of these issues are unique and unlike those that women with straight husbands face. We have to figure out what to say to the children and when to tell them; we also have to decide what to tell family, friends, and co-workers. We live in a world where people still don’t understand about a gay husband and fear the ridicule we will face from them. There are many very ignorant people out there. Even in this day and age, people say, “What did you do to make him gay? After all, he wasn’t gay when he married you.”
We have to rebuild our own self-esteem, which has been sorely damaged through these marriages by not only feeling the failure of a marriage, but also wondering how much of a lie we were living. We have to rebuild our sense of trust within our own decision-making processes knowing that we walked blindly into a situation where we were so misled. Most of us have lost or never had the feeling of what real intimacy means in a relationship. We have difficulty trusting men again and trusting our own ability not to walk into this situation one more time. And this is a genuine fear that many women express—“It happened to me once. How do I know the next man I get involved with won’t be gay?” After all, why couldn’t we tell the first time around? This is confirmed by the ignorance of others who insist that we “must have known but married him anyway because we thought we could change him.”
There are other complications as well. There are those women who still feel some sense of responsibility for their husbands’ homosexuality. They are convinced that they played some part in their husbands turning to men.
That’s because some gay husbands are cruel enough to say that to them rather than take the responsibility for the truth.
We have to deal with our own feelings of homophobia. Even if we were understanding of homosexuality in general terms, it took a whole new meaning when it entered our marriages and ruined our hopes and dreams for our futures with our husbands. We have to deal with our own feelings about our husbands bringing lovers into the lives of our children and how that will affect our children emotionally. We have to fear how other people will treat our children if they find out. And of course, we now have to contend with the possibility that our children will be gay because this is a new reality.
Certainly straight marriages that end go through emotional upset and turmoil. We have to go through those same problems, such as single parenthood, financial problems, selling the home, and legal tangles. But in addition, we are forced to deal with all the additional issues stated above. This is a double whammy that just doesn’t end when a marriage ends.
So, the next time someone tells you to “Get over it,” don’t feel that there’s something wrong with you. Just smile and say, “Some day I will.” Take the time that you need to rebuild your strength. Gay Spouse Recovery takes time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time. Eventually things will equal out, but some scars are bound to remain. And that’s okay. We are not machines that can just wipe away the emotional impact, nor should anyone tell you how you should feel after this disaster.
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Tuesday, May 1, 2001
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter May, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 3
GAMES PEOPLE PLAY –THE “IF ONLY” AND THE “BLAME” GAMES
I have worked with too many women who at first assume that the reason for their husbands’ homosexuality is due to something they did wrong. For those of us who have had time to work through this problem over a longer period, it is easy for us to react by saying that this thinking is ludicrous. But try to remember when you first suspected or discovered your husband’s interest in men. Then it doesn’t seem quite as ridiculous.
When I reflect on my own inner feelings of shame during those early years, I remember feeling a great sense of responsibility. I used to play a game that most of us fall prey to. I call it the “If Only Game.” It goes like this. “If only I could be a better wife….if only I was more attractive…if only I was better as a lover…if only I was a better housekeeper, if only I wasn’t so demanding…if only I could lose more weight….if only I was smarter…if only, if only, if only…then maybe he could love me enough not to think of men.
My ex-husband, Michael, was excellent at playing the other mind-twister game, which I call the “Blame Game.” After I questioned him for the first time about his sexuality two years into our marriage, he used this as an opening to play this game as his new weapon of mental torture. This is where he would come closest to revealing the truth by throwing in my face, “If I were gay, who could blame me? After all, you are always making too many sexual demands…complaining about something…gaining weight…acting jealous…being possessive …much too demanding….all consuming…and the list went on. Then he would end the conversation with the words I desperately wanted and needed to hear—“It’s a wonder that I’m not gay.” Whew, what a relief. I was a failure as a wife, but at least not failure enough to make him gay.
A young woman who visits my on-line support sessions on Thursday evenings recently told us that on an intellectual level she knows she didn’t make her husband gay, but emotionally she still feels that she is responsible. I often hear this in the beginning of a marriage separation. During the early stages of disclosure, it is easy to believe that we are somehow at fault for our husband’s decision to enter the gay world. Even when we can accept the news, we still can’t grasp all of the implications. We can’t figure out how our husbands were “straight enough” to marry us, make love to us (even if it wasn’t frequently or passionately), have children with us, have married lives with us but chuck it all for sex with a man. When we pass through the denial stage and accept that our husbands are gay, we still have a difficult time believing that it wasn’t something we did that drove them over the borderline and into the twilight zone of homosexuality.
What takes time for us to fully comprehend is that we had no part whatsoever in our husbands’ homosexuality. This was who they were long before we ever knew them. Some of them knew it and fought it hoping that marriage to a woman would miraculously make them straight. It can’t…and it didn’t. Others claim they honestly didn’t know it because it didn’t surface until years later. But even the late bloomers almost always felt that something was not quite right—they just didn’t think it was a sexual thing.
Playing the “If Only Game” is a very natural part of self-questioning that all of us initially go through. The problem is that some of us keep playing, sometimes for months and even for years. This is a dangerous game if played for too long because it indicates that you have not been able to put things into perspective. It also stops you from moving ahead and trying to rebuild your life. Prolonged questioning of your failures in the marriage serve no purpose at all. If you failed at the marriage, it’s because you were in a no-win situation. You were set up for failure, not for success. Success was not an option.
If you had been in a marriage with an emotionally healthy straight man, all of your efforts of being a supportive and loving wife would have been appreciated and in fact, cherished. So don’t use your marriage with a gay husband as a map for your future relationships. If you try again with a straight man, you’ll see how different and better it can be. .
LIVING LA VIDA LIMBO
Let’s discuss married gay men who won’t leave the marriage or for that matter, won’t leave the closet. This is a subject that can never be talked about enough because it seems to be a stumbling block for so many of us who can’t get our husbands to “come clean” with the truth about their homosexuality. I receive so many letters each month from women who are sure about their husbands but fear confronting them. But I also get letters from women who do confront their husbands with evidence in hand and get denials with distorted truths giving excuses such as “Those pictures belonged to a co-worker,” or “I have no clue how those websites got on our computer.”
For those women whose husbands eventually tell you the truth, count yourselves as lucky even though you may not feel that way at the time. No doubt hearing the word gay is devastating, but not hearing it is even worse. This month alone, I have received 32 letters from women who asked me for advice because their husbands or ex-husbands will not admit to their homosexuality. These women know the truth. They have stumbled on it one way or another. It has smacked them in the face through hidden websites, email, pornography, letters, hotel receipts, phone bills, etc. And yet, their husbands just keep lying or denying. They are not ready to be honest--and may never be ready. Some men will never be ready to accept their homosexuality because it is too painful or embarrassing.
These are the men whom I call the “Limbo Men.” Their whole lives are lived in limbo. They are emotionally straight, but physically gay. They never feel totally comfortable in either world, but they are much more comfortable “passing” in the straight world where they are accepted as part of mainstream society.
All married gay men go through “limbo” for a period of time. In other words. they are stuck in between both worlds hoping that by wanting the straight world badly enough they will be able to “cross over” into it. They keep thinking that if they play the role long enough, they will become transformed into the part, not just play the part as an actor. But the Limbo Men I place in this category are different from other gay men who eventually come to terms with themselves. They are even different than the gay men who are staying in their marriages but who acknowledge they are gay, at least on some level.
The real Limbo Men have no sense of remorse for what they are doing to their wives. In fact, they often feel as if they are the victims and strike back at their wives in an emotional or physically abusive manner. They blame their wives for their unhappiness and never have a clue about the damage they are doing to these women whom they promised to love, cherish, and respect. They place the blame of their unhappiness on their wives, when in fact, there is nothing that their wives could possibly do to make them feel happy or fulfilled. Their wives are women, and they are gay men.
These are the men who will never leave their marriages. They will stay there until the day they die, leading a painful existence and sharing that pain with their wives. More specifically, pouring that pain upon their wives. We all know that misery loves company, and these men are happy to make you as miserable as they are.
So often, these “Limbo Men” husbands luck out. They have wives who are much kinder and more understanding than average. These are the women who will keep trying every little trick in the book thinking someday they will get their husbands hooked. The women live an accepted existence, looking for the crumbs in the marriage while trying to turn those crumbs into a cake. It is truly a tragedy and waste of human life..
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
I have worked with too many women who at first assume that the reason for their husbands’ homosexuality is due to something they did wrong. For those of us who have had time to work through this problem over a longer period, it is easy for us to react by saying that this thinking is ludicrous. But try to remember when you first suspected or discovered your husband’s interest in men. Then it doesn’t seem quite as ridiculous.
When I reflect on my own inner feelings of shame during those early years, I remember feeling a great sense of responsibility. I used to play a game that most of us fall prey to. I call it the “If Only Game.” It goes like this. “If only I could be a better wife….if only I was more attractive…if only I was better as a lover…if only I was a better housekeeper, if only I wasn’t so demanding…if only I could lose more weight….if only I was smarter…if only, if only, if only…then maybe he could love me enough not to think of men.
My ex-husband, Michael, was excellent at playing the other mind-twister game, which I call the “Blame Game.” After I questioned him for the first time about his sexuality two years into our marriage, he used this as an opening to play this game as his new weapon of mental torture. This is where he would come closest to revealing the truth by throwing in my face, “If I were gay, who could blame me? After all, you are always making too many sexual demands…complaining about something…gaining weight…acting jealous…being possessive …much too demanding….all consuming…and the list went on. Then he would end the conversation with the words I desperately wanted and needed to hear—“It’s a wonder that I’m not gay.” Whew, what a relief. I was a failure as a wife, but at least not failure enough to make him gay.
A young woman who visits my on-line support sessions on Thursday evenings recently told us that on an intellectual level she knows she didn’t make her husband gay, but emotionally she still feels that she is responsible. I often hear this in the beginning of a marriage separation. During the early stages of disclosure, it is easy to believe that we are somehow at fault for our husband’s decision to enter the gay world. Even when we can accept the news, we still can’t grasp all of the implications. We can’t figure out how our husbands were “straight enough” to marry us, make love to us (even if it wasn’t frequently or passionately), have children with us, have married lives with us but chuck it all for sex with a man. When we pass through the denial stage and accept that our husbands are gay, we still have a difficult time believing that it wasn’t something we did that drove them over the borderline and into the twilight zone of homosexuality.
What takes time for us to fully comprehend is that we had no part whatsoever in our husbands’ homosexuality. This was who they were long before we ever knew them. Some of them knew it and fought it hoping that marriage to a woman would miraculously make them straight. It can’t…and it didn’t. Others claim they honestly didn’t know it because it didn’t surface until years later. But even the late bloomers almost always felt that something was not quite right—they just didn’t think it was a sexual thing.
Playing the “If Only Game” is a very natural part of self-questioning that all of us initially go through. The problem is that some of us keep playing, sometimes for months and even for years. This is a dangerous game if played for too long because it indicates that you have not been able to put things into perspective. It also stops you from moving ahead and trying to rebuild your life. Prolonged questioning of your failures in the marriage serve no purpose at all. If you failed at the marriage, it’s because you were in a no-win situation. You were set up for failure, not for success. Success was not an option.
If you had been in a marriage with an emotionally healthy straight man, all of your efforts of being a supportive and loving wife would have been appreciated and in fact, cherished. So don’t use your marriage with a gay husband as a map for your future relationships. If you try again with a straight man, you’ll see how different and better it can be. .
LIVING LA VIDA LIMBO
Let’s discuss married gay men who won’t leave the marriage or for that matter, won’t leave the closet. This is a subject that can never be talked about enough because it seems to be a stumbling block for so many of us who can’t get our husbands to “come clean” with the truth about their homosexuality. I receive so many letters each month from women who are sure about their husbands but fear confronting them. But I also get letters from women who do confront their husbands with evidence in hand and get denials with distorted truths giving excuses such as “Those pictures belonged to a co-worker,” or “I have no clue how those websites got on our computer.”
For those women whose husbands eventually tell you the truth, count yourselves as lucky even though you may not feel that way at the time. No doubt hearing the word gay is devastating, but not hearing it is even worse. This month alone, I have received 32 letters from women who asked me for advice because their husbands or ex-husbands will not admit to their homosexuality. These women know the truth. They have stumbled on it one way or another. It has smacked them in the face through hidden websites, email, pornography, letters, hotel receipts, phone bills, etc. And yet, their husbands just keep lying or denying. They are not ready to be honest--and may never be ready. Some men will never be ready to accept their homosexuality because it is too painful or embarrassing.
These are the men whom I call the “Limbo Men.” Their whole lives are lived in limbo. They are emotionally straight, but physically gay. They never feel totally comfortable in either world, but they are much more comfortable “passing” in the straight world where they are accepted as part of mainstream society.
All married gay men go through “limbo” for a period of time. In other words. they are stuck in between both worlds hoping that by wanting the straight world badly enough they will be able to “cross over” into it. They keep thinking that if they play the role long enough, they will become transformed into the part, not just play the part as an actor. But the Limbo Men I place in this category are different from other gay men who eventually come to terms with themselves. They are even different than the gay men who are staying in their marriages but who acknowledge they are gay, at least on some level.
The real Limbo Men have no sense of remorse for what they are doing to their wives. In fact, they often feel as if they are the victims and strike back at their wives in an emotional or physically abusive manner. They blame their wives for their unhappiness and never have a clue about the damage they are doing to these women whom they promised to love, cherish, and respect. They place the blame of their unhappiness on their wives, when in fact, there is nothing that their wives could possibly do to make them feel happy or fulfilled. Their wives are women, and they are gay men.
These are the men who will never leave their marriages. They will stay there until the day they die, leading a painful existence and sharing that pain with their wives. More specifically, pouring that pain upon their wives. We all know that misery loves company, and these men are happy to make you as miserable as they are.
So often, these “Limbo Men” husbands luck out. They have wives who are much kinder and more understanding than average. These are the women who will keep trying every little trick in the book thinking someday they will get their husbands hooked. The women live an accepted existence, looking for the crumbs in the marriage while trying to turn those crumbs into a cake. It is truly a tragedy and waste of human life..
Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???
Sunday, April 1, 2001
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter April, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 2
PROFOUND AND REVEALING WORDS FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND
I receive several letters each week from men who are struggling to come out to their wives. I respond quickly to these men in hopes that my support and encouragement will give them the courage to be honest with their spouses. I also receive several letters each month from gay men who find my website or see my book who commend me for the work I am doing in helping people understand the complexities of straight/gay marriages.
Two months ago, I received a letter from a man who was about to become an important part of my life. Jay is an attorney in Pennsylvania. He is the first man I have ever met who can write words in a manner that clarified all of my own thoughts and feelings allowing me to conceptualize a key to the problem of straight/gay marriages that I will share with you. Jay’s sensitivity and honesty reflects what most of us would like our husbands or ex-husbands to tell us. Too few of us ever get to hear these words. I asked Jay if I could reprint some of his thoughts because I believe it validates so much of what all of us feel and need to hear. After reading his words, I am sure you will appreciate not only what he says, but also the beauty of how he says it.
Jay’s first communication to me in early February stated:
I am a gay man who was married for 23 years. My ex-wife and I have two children. I am writing to encourage you to continue the important work you are doing. I only wish that in 1996 when I finally began to come out that there had been resources such as yours to support our family through our transition.
I thanked him for his kind words, and his response was this:
" I think that both men and women in these circumstances must recognize that there are no winners but there are survivors who create new ways to relate, maintain, support and redefine their family. In the process of ending my marriage, I lost my best friend and the dream we had of growing old together. Slowly, we have worked to continue to parent our children in accordance with the many values that we continue to share. There are many things I would, in retrospect have done and handled differently, but my single largest regret is that I did not deal with the secret of my sexuality while still in my marriage and in the years of counseling before divorce. So to those men who you counsel , I would urge them to give the woman they chose to love and bear children the earliest chance to deal with the truth. They probably will not have a marriage together, but they will at least have a chance of preserving the love that once brought them together with hopes and plans for a lifetime.
More words of insight kept coming as the weeks progressed. I will highlight just a few of these pearls that will lead to my conclusion:
I keep reminding myself of the shame that fueled my own 'denial' and kept me closeted for most of my life, however I also know the damage that secrets do to those who keep them and would like to teach that lesson to my kids as well.
…my kids have always been a priority. I can recall vividly, my own frustration at seeking advice on how to come out to my kids and finding little support from the gay or straight communities. Of course, I was looking for the right way to do it and assure that the kids would not go off the deep end or reject me. No one could have given me the surefire approach. However, I think there is a real void. God knows there are self help books out there on everything else.
No woman deserves to be in this situation. In the past, I spent a lot of time searching my own soul, trying to figure out how much of the failure of my marriage was attributable to homosexuality and how much was the struggle for control, neediness and other dynamics extant in any couple relationship. My ex-wife and I hurt each other a lot. There are still things about her that I dislike, but I have concluded that the presence of my secret in that relationship was the primary poison. Much of the rest of our conflicts flowed from it....the absence of trust, the neediness, possessiveness, the anger and ultimately the conflict that I both created (even if it was not by premeditated design) and used to find the impetus despair and courage to leave. Accordingly, as painful as it is to admit, I know that the secret and immutability of my homosexuality is inextricably bound up in all that was wrong in our relationship. Yes, I had difficult issues to confront. As with any person facing difficult times, some of them I handled quite poorly. I could empathize with your own horror and dismay at how you thought and acted at various points.
I share your belief that bisexuality is often a transitional label and crutch used by homosexuals unable or unwilling to come to terms with their natural orientation. I lived that myself. After my separation from my wife, I woke one morning after a date with a woman and was appalled by the self discovery that I might do this to another woman because I hated who and how I was.
And the most profound words were yet to come:
I was much more demanding about the order around me when I was married to my ex-wife. While I still like a nice home, I find I am less compulsive about cleaning and demanding that those around me keep things tidy and neat. I believe that my need for external order in my prior life was a way of coping with my own internal chaos (and tension created by my attempts to compartmentalize my being.) Of course, my discomfort with disorder at home also served to legitimize my disappointment in my ex-wife as a homemaker. "If only she were a better wife.......we would be happy" was my mantra. Indeed, she was disorganized and sloppy, but as it turned out, I have realized that IF ONLY SHE HAD BEEN A MAN, I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE TOLERANT. Ouch.
All of Jay’s words allowed me come to a great realization. For those of us who have or had gay husbands who complained actively or passively about our inadequacies and faults as wives, I have another thought:
Who would we be today if we had a straight husband? How would our destiny have changed if we were loved, nurtured, sexually desired with passion and tenderness, given emotional support and encouragement, and made to feel like we were part of a real couple in tune with each other’s needs, wants, and aspirations? What if we didn’t have to spend countless hours each day wondering why we were failures as wives, women, and lovers—ripping away our self-esteem layer by layer until we became strangers unto ourselves and others? What if our husbands’ dishonesty and cheating didn’t change us to become untrusting, suspicious, and doubting wives, forcing us to question our ability to make rational decisions? How many of us were sidetracked through those “detours of deceit” that diverted us from the direction that life might have taken otherwise?
Bottom line—no matter how much a gay man loves a straight woman, it is not the kind of love that fulfills the basic human need that all of us have. It can never be the kind of love that inspires the music that becomes classics or the poetry that makes the heart flutter. It is not the kind of love that can ever be returned to the degree that you are giving it. Even the best of relationships are barely more than great friendships—not the passion and excitement that make us thrive and look forward to waking up each day. And even these relationships are woven with dishonesty, distrust, infidelity, resentment, and frustration. Life was not meant to be this complicated.
What Jay has done for me personally is say what I am still waiting for my ex-husband to say after 20 years. Occasionally, a word of wisdom will float out from my ex-husband expressing how “screwed up” he was through the years. Does it change anything? Not really. But yes, knowing the truth does help validate who we are, what we became because of our gay husbands, and how we can change and now move forward. It’s the first step towards healing the scars, bridging the understanding, and bringing closure to a chapter in our lives.
Thank you, Jay, for sharing your thoughtful insights with all of us. Jay has also graciously volunteered to help men who are going through the struggle of coming out. He has been very valuable in this role over the past few weeks. If you know of anyone who may need guidance, direction, and a supportive voice, let me know and I will forward your information to Jay. If you have any personal questions you would like to ask him, he is happy to respond. Just let me know.
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I receive several letters each week from men who are struggling to come out to their wives. I respond quickly to these men in hopes that my support and encouragement will give them the courage to be honest with their spouses. I also receive several letters each month from gay men who find my website or see my book who commend me for the work I am doing in helping people understand the complexities of straight/gay marriages.
Two months ago, I received a letter from a man who was about to become an important part of my life. Jay is an attorney in Pennsylvania. He is the first man I have ever met who can write words in a manner that clarified all of my own thoughts and feelings allowing me to conceptualize a key to the problem of straight/gay marriages that I will share with you. Jay’s sensitivity and honesty reflects what most of us would like our husbands or ex-husbands to tell us. Too few of us ever get to hear these words. I asked Jay if I could reprint some of his thoughts because I believe it validates so much of what all of us feel and need to hear. After reading his words, I am sure you will appreciate not only what he says, but also the beauty of how he says it.
Jay’s first communication to me in early February stated:
I am a gay man who was married for 23 years. My ex-wife and I have two children. I am writing to encourage you to continue the important work you are doing. I only wish that in 1996 when I finally began to come out that there had been resources such as yours to support our family through our transition.
I thanked him for his kind words, and his response was this:
" I think that both men and women in these circumstances must recognize that there are no winners but there are survivors who create new ways to relate, maintain, support and redefine their family. In the process of ending my marriage, I lost my best friend and the dream we had of growing old together. Slowly, we have worked to continue to parent our children in accordance with the many values that we continue to share. There are many things I would, in retrospect have done and handled differently, but my single largest regret is that I did not deal with the secret of my sexuality while still in my marriage and in the years of counseling before divorce. So to those men who you counsel , I would urge them to give the woman they chose to love and bear children the earliest chance to deal with the truth. They probably will not have a marriage together, but they will at least have a chance of preserving the love that once brought them together with hopes and plans for a lifetime.
More words of insight kept coming as the weeks progressed. I will highlight just a few of these pearls that will lead to my conclusion:
I keep reminding myself of the shame that fueled my own 'denial' and kept me closeted for most of my life, however I also know the damage that secrets do to those who keep them and would like to teach that lesson to my kids as well.
…my kids have always been a priority. I can recall vividly, my own frustration at seeking advice on how to come out to my kids and finding little support from the gay or straight communities. Of course, I was looking for the right way to do it and assure that the kids would not go off the deep end or reject me. No one could have given me the surefire approach. However, I think there is a real void. God knows there are self help books out there on everything else.
No woman deserves to be in this situation. In the past, I spent a lot of time searching my own soul, trying to figure out how much of the failure of my marriage was attributable to homosexuality and how much was the struggle for control, neediness and other dynamics extant in any couple relationship. My ex-wife and I hurt each other a lot. There are still things about her that I dislike, but I have concluded that the presence of my secret in that relationship was the primary poison. Much of the rest of our conflicts flowed from it....the absence of trust, the neediness, possessiveness, the anger and ultimately the conflict that I both created (even if it was not by premeditated design) and used to find the impetus despair and courage to leave. Accordingly, as painful as it is to admit, I know that the secret and immutability of my homosexuality is inextricably bound up in all that was wrong in our relationship. Yes, I had difficult issues to confront. As with any person facing difficult times, some of them I handled quite poorly. I could empathize with your own horror and dismay at how you thought and acted at various points.
I share your belief that bisexuality is often a transitional label and crutch used by homosexuals unable or unwilling to come to terms with their natural orientation. I lived that myself. After my separation from my wife, I woke one morning after a date with a woman and was appalled by the self discovery that I might do this to another woman because I hated who and how I was.
And the most profound words were yet to come:
I was much more demanding about the order around me when I was married to my ex-wife. While I still like a nice home, I find I am less compulsive about cleaning and demanding that those around me keep things tidy and neat. I believe that my need for external order in my prior life was a way of coping with my own internal chaos (and tension created by my attempts to compartmentalize my being.) Of course, my discomfort with disorder at home also served to legitimize my disappointment in my ex-wife as a homemaker. "If only she were a better wife.......we would be happy" was my mantra. Indeed, she was disorganized and sloppy, but as it turned out, I have realized that IF ONLY SHE HAD BEEN A MAN, I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE TOLERANT. Ouch.
All of Jay’s words allowed me come to a great realization. For those of us who have or had gay husbands who complained actively or passively about our inadequacies and faults as wives, I have another thought:
Who would we be today if we had a straight husband? How would our destiny have changed if we were loved, nurtured, sexually desired with passion and tenderness, given emotional support and encouragement, and made to feel like we were part of a real couple in tune with each other’s needs, wants, and aspirations? What if we didn’t have to spend countless hours each day wondering why we were failures as wives, women, and lovers—ripping away our self-esteem layer by layer until we became strangers unto ourselves and others? What if our husbands’ dishonesty and cheating didn’t change us to become untrusting, suspicious, and doubting wives, forcing us to question our ability to make rational decisions? How many of us were sidetracked through those “detours of deceit” that diverted us from the direction that life might have taken otherwise?
Bottom line—no matter how much a gay man loves a straight woman, it is not the kind of love that fulfills the basic human need that all of us have. It can never be the kind of love that inspires the music that becomes classics or the poetry that makes the heart flutter. It is not the kind of love that can ever be returned to the degree that you are giving it. Even the best of relationships are barely more than great friendships—not the passion and excitement that make us thrive and look forward to waking up each day. And even these relationships are woven with dishonesty, distrust, infidelity, resentment, and frustration. Life was not meant to be this complicated.
What Jay has done for me personally is say what I am still waiting for my ex-husband to say after 20 years. Occasionally, a word of wisdom will float out from my ex-husband expressing how “screwed up” he was through the years. Does it change anything? Not really. But yes, knowing the truth does help validate who we are, what we became because of our gay husbands, and how we can change and now move forward. It’s the first step towards healing the scars, bridging the understanding, and bringing closure to a chapter in our lives.
Thank you, Jay, for sharing your thoughtful insights with all of us. Jay has also graciously volunteered to help men who are going through the struggle of coming out. He has been very valuable in this role over the past few weeks. If you know of anyone who may need guidance, direction, and a supportive voice, let me know and I will forward your information to Jay. If you have any personal questions you would like to ask him, he is happy to respond. Just let me know.
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