Straight Talk by Bonnie Kaye

TELLING THE CHILDREN

2010-10-17T22:54:00.002-04:00

October 18, 2010

TELLING THE CHILDREN

Every few years, I have an epiphany. You know what I mean—that “Aha” moment when things you were gray about become black and white. In the past six months, this has happened to me in terms of the always present issue of WHAT TO TELL THE CHILDREN.

Okay, I admit I was on the fence for the past 25 years. And believe me when I tell you I struggled with this throughout the time of my own children growing up, as well as your children growing up. I really vacillated because I felt that every situation was so different. It depended on:

1. The age of the children
2. The location of where the family lives
3. The willingness of the father to reveal the information
4. The acceptance of the mother of her husband’s homosexuality

I used to think that if a child was younger or older, the news would be better accepted. I really did “fear” telling children in their adolescent years for fear of them questioning their own sexuality which might further complicate their teenage years.

So now, after listening to so many stories from adult survivor children of straight/gay marriages, I realize that I was wrong—the children need to know as soon as possible. So let’s discuss the two issues here: (1) why do they need to know and (2) how to tell them.

Let’s start with the question “why do they need to know?”

First, the truth may hurt some of you reading this, but it’s better to face the reality than live in the fantasy. Although our husbands may be award-winning actors as they portray their parts as “straight husbands” during your marriage, you, the straight wives, have not developed that same talent of “acting” like you are happy when you know that there is something missing and wrong in your marriage. Most of you are spending hours every week wondering what the problem is and how you can fix it, and when you find nothing is changing no matter how monumental your efforts are, you become depressed. There’s no shame in this, trust me. I was there. It’s really hard to keep laughing while your sense of self and sexual esteem is plummeting downwards daily. When the extent of your intimacy with your husband resorts to being a quick peck on the cheek, it’s hard not to feel that sense of rejection.

It doesn’t take long before you move from a state of “living” into a state of “existing.” Yes, you wake up, do your chores, go to your job, get through the days, take care of the kids and husband, but you’re on auto pilot. In most cases you have no idea what is going wrong in your marriage, but you do know it’s not what marriage was supposed to be like. And even when you suspect the worst—namely the truth—you’re doing your best to believe the lies your husbands are constantly telling you hoping beyond hope that lies will miraculously turn into truths--but they never do.

Stop deluding yourselves by thinking your children don’t know something is wrong. They do. Every child of a straight/gay marriage has written to me telling me that he or she knew something wasn’t right in the home. There was a lack of affection, caring, compassion, and loving. It didn’t mean the dad wasn’t a good dad—it just means that the marriage wasn’t a good marriage. Children know it. They can sense it. And guess what? They sense your unhappiness. They hear your crying. They see you taking “medication” in the form of antidepressants. They sense your struggle, even if they don’t know what the struggle is about.

When you do find out the truth, if you don’t leave the marriage, you are covering up the truth. Like I said, YOU are covering up the truth. By the time you find out, your husband has now let down his defenses and started to get careless. Almost all of these children found evidence of their father’s homosexuality before you did via the Internet, cell phones, or pornographic material in the home. But now you feel backed against the corner to keep HIS secret. Let me tell you as a fact—this kind of secret destroys families.

I can understand the fear that gay men have of their families finding out. I work with many gay men who are going through this process and I do hurt for them. I really do. But I also tell them they need to do the right thing and TELL THE TRUTH. Now I’m telling both our women and gay men you need to tell the truth to your children.

First of all, why are we keeping this a secret? A secret implies something bad. Are we giving the message that homosexuality is bad? By keeping this a secret, we are. Homosexuality is different—it’s not bad. We have to move away from the “secret” mentality because it only perpetuates the situation and makes it worse. Remember—children are made up of two parents, not one. If a child feels that there is something wrong with the father without knowing what the truth is, any kind of horror can be imagined far worse than the truth. This affects the self-worth of the child because half of him or her came from the father.

Next is the issue of the children knowing and feeling they now have to keep this news a “secret.” This puts them in a very dark space that they don’t want to be in. They feel they are caught in a web of deceit affecting both of their parents. They don’t want to be the cause of the breakup of a marriage. They know their fathers are cheating but they are afraid of hurting their mothers. They don’t want their fathers to be mad at them, so they keep silent seeing their mothers hurting and feeling helpless to do anything to help their mothers.

Yikes!!! What are we doing to these precious children? We are giving them all the wrong messages about love, marriage, and trust. How the heck are they supposed to find positive relationships in their future when they look at their “teachers”—namely their parents—and feel such a sense of confusion?

Yep, this secret should not be a secret—it should be discussed as soon as the wife has time to process it. And it should be told to the children by BOTH parents. However, some of the fathers refuse to do this, still thinking about protecting themselves before protecting the mental health of their children. In that case, you will have to become the teller of the news on your own. Give your husband a chance to tell it with you, but if he refuses, be firm and tell him that you will do it yourself.

I know some of you are shuddering by now. As loving, kind, compassionate women, you are often the “keeper of the secret” for your gay husbands. You continue to protect them long after they are living their gay lives because they ask you to because THEY don’t want people to know. Let’s be honest—why are you protecting them? Why aren’t you protecting your children? Why should your children live in the mystery of why a marriage ended, and in some cases, blame YOU for the end of their family life? This makes no sense.

I look at this like a domino effect. Your husband has no choice in his homosexuality. He married you with the hopes and dreams of being a good “straight” husband, but it’s not happening over time. So he’s falling and knocks you down. Now the pressure of both of you falling is knocking down the children. Who are the real victims here?

Mis-marriages (or mistakes in a marriage as I call them) happen. The issue of fault is not the issue when it comes to the children. Gay men make the mistake and most often unintentionally—but they can fix it. They don’t have to linger in your life forever making you feel more trapped than they feel being where they don’t belong. As adults, you have the power to rebuild your lives again even though many of you feel very powerless. With help, counseling, and support—it does happen all the time. But who is there to rebuild your children? Why wouldn’t you think that your marriage wouldn’t affect them? Trust me when I tell you that it does. The emotional damage that it can cause them will fill their lifetimes. That’s why you owe it to them to do the right thing and tell them the truth before they find it out some other way or from someone else. Your children won’t thank you for “protecting” them as some as you think—they’ll wonder why you couldn’t be honest with them and then wonder what else wasn’t true in their lives that you “protected” them from.

As far as how to tell them, well, that’s another story. It can’t be told with anger in your voice and venom in your heart no matter how you are feeling at the moment. Remember—this is NOT about you—it’s about YOUR CHILDREN. When you talk about their father in a derogatory way, don’t think they won’t be internalizing it because they will. Your children don’t have to be your allies—you have friends and families for that. The children need to feel a sense of security and love from both parents, even when one of them may be acting like a total jerk. And to my gay men reading this, trust me—it’s not the “gay” that makes these men jerks—it’s the lack of responsibility financially and emotionally to the families after they leave. And while I’m on that subject, I don’t really care about how gay husbands now have the chance to “find themselves” after being tormented in a mis-marriage for years. The family STILL has to come first. That’s the correct, responsible thing to do. I make NO excuses for irresponsible gay husbands who are too busy having fun in their new found freedom to remember their grieving families. NONE.

So that’s where the problem comes in. It’s not really WHEN you tell the children, but HOW you tell them that is the issue. Homosexuality CANNOT be used as the weapon in the truth. Using derogatory words about gay is NOT going to help. That’s why wives have to be able to separate their personal own antagonisms based on their hurt from this discussion. Telling your children that their daddy is a “faggot” who likes to “screw men” is totally inappropriate. This is NOT going to make your children feel better about the situation. You can’t use gay as the target of your anger when telling the children the news. This is where loving them and putting their needs for emotional stability before your need for revenge comes into play.

Children don’t have to “visualize” their father’s sex habits in order to know about homosexuality. It’s bad enough that you are smacked in the face with it—but you’re an adult. It’s hard enough for you to figure out—don’t expect them to be able to deal with those thoughts. They shouldn’t have to. They do need to know this:

1. People are born differently. Some are tall; some are short. Some are white; some are black; some have blue eyes; some have brown eyes; some are straight; some are gay.

2. People don’t “choose” to be gay. They are born that way. They don’t always know it because there’s no big “G” sign on their bodies when they are born. The homosexuality develops at different times of each person’s life. Some people know it early; some know it later. There’s no set time which is the problem. For those that develop this later, they don’t understand or know it at the time they are getting married. The marriage was brought together by love, and the children were born out of this love.

3. When a man realizes he is gay, he needs to love his wife and children enough to be honest with them because he doesn’t want his family to suffer anymore. As a gay man, he can’t be the kind of husband the wife needs, but he can still be an important part of the family.

4. A gay man can still be a wonderful father. His love for his children hasn’t changed even if the marriage does change.

Do I have all of the answers? No, not yet. But I think this is a good start. It’s an objective start. Look, when my kids were growing up and my ex-husband was acting like a jerk, I had to bite my tongue A LOT so I wouldn’t say derogatory things about him that would affect them. Sometimes, I bit it so hard that it was swelling out of my mouth. There were plenty of times I wanted to call him every horrible name in the book—but I didn’t—not to them. I saved it for my friends and family. To my children, I turned my ex into a prince. I didn’t do it for him—I did it for them. I wanted them to feel secure that their parents loved them regardless of the fact that we couldn’t live with each other. I also knew that children are created from two parents. If they believe that one of them is “defective,” they internalize that something within them is wrong. It deteriorates their own sense of self-esteem which affects their future as far as positive relationships. I see it all of the time as our children find themselves in destructive relationships as they grow older because they don’t feel worthy of anything better.

And guess what? I told my children when I felt I had no choice. My ex refused to tell them even though I repeatedly asked him to. They would be in his home and find things as children do—magazines, videos, and other things. They would see him in bed sleeping with other men. By the time they were in their early teens, I felt I had no choice. They were confused, and I felt that as they grew into their teenage years, they needed to understand what was going on. And so, with great sensitivity, I told them because their father couldn’t—or shall I say wouldn’t. My ex was leading an actively gay life, and my children were around it whenever they visited him. He thought he was “hiding” it because he wasn’t holding hands or showing public display of affection, but children are far more perceptive than that. I felt the words had to be spoken because they were asking me questions that needed to be addressed.

Once my ex knew I told them was he mad? Infuriated is putting it mildly. He told me that I had no business to tell his business. But I told him he had no right living a life that the children were seeing and pretending like it wasn’t happening. How confused were they supposed to be growing up?

We didn’t speak for nearly a year after I dropped the news, but I had no regrets. In fact, in later years when my daughter came to terms with her homosexuality, at least she understood that she didn’t have to live her life in a closet pretending to be who she wasn’t because she didn’t have to feel the shame her father felt throughout his life.

My daughter was far more accepting of her father’s homosexuality than he was of hers--ironically. My son, on the other hand, felt it was his secret to keep from his friends. And that was his choice. He loved his father dearly, but he didn’t want people to know he had a gay father. I respected that decision. My son was certainly pro-gay, but he didn’t want people to know his father was gay. You see, if your children choose to keep the secret from their friends, that’s fine. But at least give them the knowledge to make that choice.

So, yes, there are no easy answers in this most complex situation. But as I tell the men who come to me, the truth will set you free. I am now telling you that it will also set your children free. Please think about this and feel free to get back to me with your thoughts and stories. We owe this to our children.

And speaking of children, we will be launching our adult children support group in November. If you haven’t told your children about this yet—please do. They need the support as much as we do. Have them write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com.

A GAY MAN'S ANSWERS TO STRAIGHT WIVES

2010-06-15T16:16:00.003-04:00

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
June 2010 Volume 9, Issue 108
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other

Please visit my website to view and purchases my books at www.BonnieKayeBooks.com. Your sales help support my website and free monthly newsletter.

FATHER’S DAY TRIBUTE
Once a year during the month of June, I like to dedicate this newsletter to the gay husbands/ex-husbands who are really doing their best to right the wrongs of their marriages. In this year’s June issue, I imposed on my male gay peer coach Doug to answer 12 of the questions that women ask me most often.

Before I give you Doug’s answers to these questions, I would like to remind our women that not all husbands/ex-husbands are irresponsible, cruel, or detached from their families. I know that many of you do have husbands who seem to have been transformed into strangers in your midst—but not all of them.
There are some wonderful gay men who found themselves caught up in their own confusion throughout their lives. When they have the courage to be honest and leave the marriage, they remain faithful to their families emotionally and financially. I have met some of these men, and you have read some of their letters throughout the years.

Doug is a hero to me. I have never met him, but I have seen the life-saving work he has done with the men I send him who want to do the right thing, as well as the women who I have sent to him to help them understand the dynamics of our situation from a gay man’s point of view. He has helped dozens and dozens of people in clarifying the reality of this situation so that they can move ahead in their lives. I am in awe of this man because he is so generous with his time and efforts to help people in our network.

Although we don’t always agree 100% of the time, we agree almost all of the time. And I guess in this situation where emotions and feelings run so high, that’s the most anyone can ask for. Regardless of whether you agree or disagree with Doug’s thoughts, I know you will find them honest, insightful, and heartfelt. Hopefully, you will learn some of the answers that you wonder about that have remained unanswered.

If you have questions or comments for Doug after reading this, please send them to me at Bonkaye@aol.com and I will forward them to him.

Here are Doug’s answers to the 12 most often asked questions that come my way from my straight wives.

1. Was my husband gay when he married me?

Science still has not determined why some people are gay but the research since the 1970’s has focused on genetic and/or biological factors. It appears that our sexuality is hard-wired in our brain before we are born. It occurs throughout the world in all cultures and it has been observed in over 100 species. Researchers have also identified structural differences in the brains of gay and straight men. In addition, all those old psychoanalytic theories about absentee or ineffective fathers and dominant mothers have since been disproved. Whether we are gay or straight, it appears that is determined sometime while we are developing as a fetus. Was I gay when I married my wife? Absolutely. I was gay the day I was born but no one in my family knew it or suspected it – including me.

2. Did my husband know he was gay when he married me?

The answer to that question depends on how one defines gay and straight. There is a difference between sexual orientation and sexual identity. Sexual orientation is based on our natural sexual attractions and responses toward the same or opposite gender and it does not change over time. There has never been any documented cases of anyone who changed his sexual orientation. Even the reparative ministry folks do not claim to be able to change someone’s natural attractions and desires. But sexual identity is based on how we perceive ourselves and that self-concept DOES change as we gain experience and become aware of our natural feelings and responses. For example, I knew I was attracted to other guys during my teen years and young adulthood. But the attraction was just physical. I had no interest in any kind of emotional relationship with another male. Therefore I did not define myself as being gay. My concept of the average gay man was shaped by a culture that failed to show me any positive gay relationships and treated them as perverts and felons. Remember, it was only a few years ago that the Supreme Court struck down felony offenses for consensual gay sex. And in most States in America, it still is legal to discriminate against gay people in employment and public accommodations. The only images I had of gay men were those who were gender non-conformists – males whose outward behaviors and interests were feminine and those who were shunned as outcasts in our society. That was not how I saw myself. I saw myself as an average guy who was in a heterosexual marriage. Even though I knew that I found some guys attractive and had natural sexual feelings for them, I did not view that as being homosexual. Like most husbands in these situations, I had limited sexual experience when I married and I married when I was young. I believed that those homosexual feelings and desires were probably present in most men, but the average guy was able to suppress those feelings and form a love bond with a woman, get married and have children.

Like most gay men who marry women, I didn’t define ‘gay’ in terms of sexual attractions. I defined ‘gay’ and ‘straight’ in terms of emotional attachments and/or outward masculine behavior. I couldn’t see myself ever loving another man and I wasn’t into cross dressing or other overt feminine behavior. I couldn’t even imagine it. I never met two guys who loved each other so I had no role models to compare with. The only way that I knew how to live was to love a woman and marry her and have kids. There were no other options in life.

3. Did my husband really love me when he married me or was he trying to escape who he was?

We have all read accounts about gay Hollywood stars who entered marriages of convenience. They didn’t really love their wife. It was an arrangement made by the studio execs or their managers to squash rumors of homosexuality. Being gay in Hollywood is still pretty much a career-capper. Ditto for politicians. Former Governor James McGreevey knew he was gay but got married because he needed a cover. In his book he admitted he knew he could not have a successful political career without a wife. So he married twice to protect his political career. But that’s not the case in most of the gay married guys I’ve met and coached. In fact, most of the husbands describe their marriage in terms of ‘soul mate’ and ‘best friend’. Part of the reason that these marriages are so very difficult and painful is because the relationship between the gay man and his wife is so very close. I’m not surprised. If the brain science is correct, our brain is most similar to those of straight women. We have skill sets most resembling those of women. We have the same high language skills and intuition and empathy. Why should it then be a surprise that we form very close relationships with women? In some ways, we are like the sister our wife always dreamed of having. It is much easier to end a marriage when two people have simply fallen out of love. It is far more difficult and painful to end that marriage when you still love each other but you know that it cannot work. You’re not just losing a spouse. You’re losing the best friend you ever had.

4. If my husband was gay, how was he able to have sex with me?

Men and women experience sexual desire very differently. Researchers had control groups watch porn movies. Using various instruments and brain imaging, they were able to measure sexual arousal. By tracking the retina, they were able to zero in on what the subject was watching or focusing on when they became aroused. It was determined that women tend to focus on the context of the scene – the situation and the romance and intimacy. However, gay men and straight men alike tend to focus on body parts. That probably also explains why women are twice as likely to have sex with men or women. The plumbing equipment and the visuals are not as important to them as the romance and emotional love bond. Men however, are highly visual and respond to visions of genital activity. In addition, a young man’s body is flooded with high levels of testosterone which amplifies emotions. One female researcher began taking testosterone injections equal to about 10% of what the average male her age would have in his system. She discontinued her experiment within just a few weeks. She reported that all of her emotions were heightened to the point where it was difficult to control them. That makes sense. All of our lives, boys have to deal with hyper-activity and out-of-control emotions. But it is that testosterone that pushes us to have sex. It’s the same stuff that makes us fall hopelessly in love – or lust. For most of us in our teens and early adulthood, ANY sex is good. There is no such thing as unfulfilled sex at that age. The very thought of having sex resulted in arousal.

5. Was my husband fantasizing about men when he had sex with me?

Some men do use homosexual fantasies to perform with their wife but that was not my experience nor does it seem to be the case in most that I’ve worked with. Fantasizing about a penis while you’re playing with a vagina just doesn’t work for most of us. If we start thinking about some guy we want to have sex with, and then see our wife making love to us, it usually results in a deflated penis. Most married guys separate our two realities. We live in a heterosexual world and heterosexual marriage and we try to play the role of a heterosexual husband and father. Our homosexual nature is assigned to an alter-ego and we keep that persona locked up in the closet until we can let him out in private – or with another guy. I was sexually active with my wife up until our separation. However for several years of our marriage she was aware that I was also having sex with men. When I had sex with her, I was doing it for her and trying my best to please her. I was able to bring her to orgasm and myself as well. But it felt academic. I was doing those things to please her. But when I was with a guy, whatever activity I was engaged in with them was shear lust and hunger. I wasn’t doing it to please him. I was doing it to please me because I desired it. I think that’s a significant difference that defines what sexual pleasure is. Are you doing it to please the other person, or are you doing it because it turns you on and you hunger for it? As gay married gay men grow older, the testosterone poisoning can no longer be relied upon. The levels begin to drop in the late 20s and 30s. Now he has to rely on desire to make it work.

6. Why couldn’t my husband be honest with me before he cheated with a man?

Most gay husbands married when they were young and had limited or no sexual experience with other men. We try to understand our attraction to other men but some things in life cannot be learned academically or through cognitive reasoning. Logic doesn’t teach us about our sexuality. These are complex physical and emotional responses that we have to experience. But we have no personal experience to draw from so the only way to discern whether this is just some crazy fantasy or something much deeper is through experiential learning. In that type of learning process, we experience something, then reflect on that experience, draw conclusions, and then adjust the experience and try it again. We keep repeating variations until we are able to learn from it and answer the questions about ourselves. Gay married guys are not willing to hurt their wife and family and risk destruction of the marriage over what may turn out to be some phase or ridiculous fantasy. We are not about to do that when it’s just possible that we could try it and come away with disgust and disillusionment. It’s one thing to put ourselves at risk of getting emotionally hurt but we are not willing to destroy our family without knowing the truth about ourselves. But the dilemma is that he cannot go have a full relationship with another man. He cannot experience that because he is married so he never truly gets the answers he needs. Very frequently, it sets him up in an approach-avoidance conflict where he reaches out for something but then pulls back because if he achieves what he desires it will hurt his wife and cause him more pain and guilt – which he tries to avoid. In my own life, I searched for those answers and tried to find fulfillment. But I couldn’t let myself fall in love with another guy and went to extremes to avoid it. That set up a sexual compulsion where I tried to use quantity as a substitute for what I really needed and desired. Until I understood that I was sabotaging myself in the hopes of avoiding painful situations for her, it was a constant compulsion that preoccupied me.

7. Why did he constantly blame me for his unhappiness in the marriage?

In my own marriage, I knew that we had once been sexually happy but didn’t understand why that was changing. Sex was becoming more like a duty or work for me. I saw my own struggle - working hard to try to keep romance and lust alive. However, I didn’t see her working at it at all. It felt like I was the only one working to keep the romance alive and she just took it for granted and didn’t see or appreciate what I was doing to keep it going. It was faulty reasoning. Of course she didn’t have to work at it. She loved me and I turned her on. She didn’t want anyone else. It wasn’t work, it was pleasure for her. But I was wrestling - trying to stay motivated. Yes, I loved her. But I didn’t desire her body. I desired and needed men, and I never had to work at that. It came automatically. And it wasn’t just about a penis vs. vagina. She could have sex reassignment surgery and get a penis – but she would still be a woman with a penis. I desired and needed a man. No matter what she did or how hard she tried to please me, she couldn’t be a man for me. But at the time it was happening, all I could see was that somehow I used to be motivated to have sex with her and now I was struggling and having to work at it. But I didn’t see her putting in the same amount of work/effort that I was. I remember thinking, if only she would be more aggressive in bed, or be more spontaneous and take the initiative. If only she would try to find ways to turn me on. The “if-only” kept coming up until I finally hit the truth. If only she was a man.

8. My husband said that I didn’t want to have sex enough so he turned to men. Is that true?

This is another “if-only” excuse. Quantity is sometimes used as a coping strategy to keep a guy’s mind off of sex. He figures if he keeps himself sexually satiated he won’t think about sex and won’t be driven to have sex with men. He figures it’s her job to keep his sexual energy drained and that way he won’t fantasize about guys or desire to have sex with them. But I learned that staying sexually drained might keep my mind off of sex temporarily, but it still wasn’t going to get me what I needed to be happy.

9. My husband says he is bisexual. Does that mean he can stay happy with me without having sex with a man?

For the most part, bisexuality among adult men tends to be a transitional state. When you look at the statistics by age group, those who identify themselves as being bisexual tend to be in late adolescent years or early 20’s. As we humans sexually experiment and learn about ourselves, we tend to change our ‘bisexual’ self-identity to that of heterosexual or homosexual. By the time we are in mid-life, the number of people identifying as bisexual drops dramatically. In my own case, I identified as being bisexual for several years because I loved my wife and was sexually active with her, but at the same time I was sexually attracted to men though I had no interest in a love relationship with a man. So I didn’t seem to fit in either the heterosexual column or the homosexual column. But as I learned more about me and experimented with men physically and emotionally, it became clear that I was predominately sexually and emotionally attracted to men. I had been subconsciously trying to avoid emotional bonds with men because I instinctively knew that it would be a life altering experience that would threaten my self-concept and my marriage. I could have sex with men but as long as I didn’t love them, I wasn’t gay. Inevitably however, I met a man who I fell deeply in love with. I had an emotional response that I had never known existed. Limerence, that feeling of deep love that has an obsessive-compulsive quality to it, is something I never knew existed. I had never experienced it in my life until he came along. The feelings were so deep and overwhelming that it instantly destroyed any self-concept of bisexuality. I wasn’t caught in the in-between world of loving a woman and yet being physically drawn to men. I was fully engulfed in physical and emotional desire for another man. I couldn’t possibly be any more gay – not by any stretch of the definition.

10. Now that my husband has found his new life, why does he treat me like an enemy?

As I pointed out earlier, these mixed-orientation marriages tend to be extremely close. It is easy to walk away from someone with whom we have fallen out of love. Leaving someone you love feels like pulling live flesh from your body. It’s very common for the husband and/or the wife to assign blame to each other and treat each other badly as a means of making it easier to let go. Also, he has been struggling with his sexuality for a long time. There has been an internal war going on and an identity crisis. Eventually he hates the situation he is in and it doesn’t seem that he will ever be able to be happy and fulfilled because for most of his life he stifled his own needs to maintain his dysfunctional marriage. But eventually the disdain he has for the marriage becomes personified and he begins to see his wife as a block in his path to self-actualization and happiness. Subconsciously he begins to feel as if his wife is the warden and he’s a prisoner. When it reaches that point, any attempt at showing him love is rebuffed. The experience has taught me that people can love us but if that love is not coming from someone we love, it doesn’t feel like love at all. It feels like we are being stalked.
But it need not go from a love relationship to a hate relationship. Many couples find ways to stay friends and co-parent their children. My advice is to not wait until you both become bitter and cynical. Have the courage and grace to admit that the marriage cannot work. Have the caring and love to let go and help each other find someone else who can give them the love you cannot give each other. Hold onto the good memories and hold onto the respect for each other. But let go of the impossible marriage. You are doing no favors to yourselves or to your spouse or children in clinging to a marriage that is dysfunctional and failing.
But know that this situation was not caused by the wife. It didn’t happen because you weren’t sexy enough or you weren’t aggressive enough. It happened because he is gay and despite all the years of war within himself, he cannot change it no matter how much he loves you or how much you love him.

11. My husband tells me that he is gay because he was sexually molested when he was younger. He claims this is a learned behavior that he can un-learn with therapy and support. Is this true?

This is the favorite fodder for anti-gay religious groups such as the Family Research Council or NARTH. These organizations tout statistical studies that report that gay men are more likely to have been molested by adult males as children, and therefore jump to the conclusion that childhood sexual experience with a male causes homosexuality. It begs the question: Is heterosexuality caused by sexual molestation by someone of the opposite sex??

But seriously, the statistics they cite are erroneous or taken out of context. It is true that gay men are more likely to report sexual experiences with adults when they were under the age of 16, but in the majority of those cases (one study reports it as 68%), they had already self-identified as being gay before the molestation had occurred. A closer look at those suspect statistics reveals definitions that become problematic. A boy of 15 who had a sexual experience with a boy of 18 would have fallen within the definitions of having been molested. But most of us would not view sex between a 15-year-old and 18-year-old as a predator molestation.
This is what the American Psychological Association has to say about it in May, 2000:
"No specific psychosocial or family dynamic cause for homosexuality has been identified, including histories of childhood sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse does not appear to be more prevalent in children who grow up to identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, than in children who identify as heterosexual."

The national Organization on Male Sexual Victimization stated in 2004:
"While there are different theories about how sexual orientation develops, experts in the human sexuality field do not believe that premature sexual experiences play a significant role in late adolescent or adult sexual orientation.”

Sexual abuse can interfere with a person’s sexual enjoyment and may even contribute to a condition referred to as Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in which a person keeps checking to reassure himself that he’s not gay. But childhood sexual abuse does not create a person’s deepest passions, attractions and desires.

12. What do you suggest about telling the children?

I think the answer to that depends on the age of the children. Generally speaking, kids don’t want to hear about anything sexual associated with their parents. It conjures up images of what Mom or Dad does between the sheets. There’s a strong “yuck” factor to it. Husbands and wives divorce every day but they don’t usually share their bedroom disappointments with their children. That being said, if Dad has found a male partner, or if other situations arise that make it necessary to have that conversation with the kids, I believe it should be couched in terms of affection and love rather than complicated and ambiguous labels. Children understand love and affection. But terms such as ‘sexual orientation’ are generally beyond their level of comprehension. Unless they are in their late teens, anything about their parents that includes the word ‘sexual’ is toxic. Wherever possible, the child should be given support he/she is going to need to cope with the knowledge that they have a gay parent. If a child shares that information with friends, they can quickly become the target of mean-spirited taunts. I urge parents to work with a therapist or family counselors in discussing it with kids and I recommend they also have a conversation with the school counselor so the kids have someone supportive they can turn to at school.
Doug

Thank you, Doug, for sharing this information with us.

Mailbag
In keeping with my theme of men for the month, the letter below comes from a straight man, Jim. He would like to share his thoughts with you.

Bonnie,
I just read your May newsletter and I continue to be dismayed at the reaction of many of your readers to the discovery of a gay spouse. It seems to me that there is some “social dynamic” at work that makes women feel almost responsible for a husband’s gayness. It’s as if they feel that they have somehow “caused” it. Yet much of what I have read in your newsletters indicates that gayness was brought to the marriage, not that the marriage caused a spouse to “become gay”. The only “fault” is that the offended spouse was, for one reason or another, unable (or perhaps unwilling, but I am inclined to believe “unable”) to recognize the signs. George Bernard Shaw once observed that most men will choose a spouse in a light so dim that they would not consider buying a suit in it, much less choose a life partner. Perhaps the same is true of women! But allowing one’s self-esteem to be a function of the deceit practiced by another is a serious and dangerous mistake. The fact that society has made hiding gayness is, I’m sure, a factor in the deceit. But to take upon oneself the burden of a societal error is not a proper response.

It’s understandable that emotions run high when one is talking about what was presumed to be a lifetime commitment and children are involved. Even straight couples who divorce face trauma and feelings of guilt. I did when I first divorced. However, a marriage relationship is a two-way street. Each party brings “baggage” to the relationship and that baggage should be inspected before committing to sharing a life. Both parties have a responsibility to the relationship and if one is deceitful while the other is not, it seems to me that the burden of low self-esteem is really, or should be, with the deceiving party. We are deceived daily by news media, politicians, marketers, professional colleagues, etc.

Spousal deceit, while much more personal, is not objectively different. Any man who is attracted to pictures of other naked men has “baggage” that needs to examined. If I want to see a naked man, I can look in the mirror! If the desire of a man to see pictures of other naked men cannot be examined, and in most cases it cannot, we should not chalk up a discovery of that desire to our own failings and punish ourselves for not having seen signs that were hidden to begin with. Life is little more than a series of choices and not all of our choices result in positive outcomes.

If one of the parties to a relationship deliberately chooses to not reveal something important to the relationship, it is not reasonable for the other party to bear the burden of that choice. Simply stated, we can’t always be right! But we can always be FAIR to ourselves. We certainly should not have to bear the burdens of some other person’s choices. And we should not build our own lives around them. Forgiving oneself for a mistake is essential to moving on in life. And it is most unfair to expect our children to carry the burden of the choices of their adult parents. They have enough to worry about in their own lives!
Jim

JULY WORKSHOPS BY MY CO-THERAPIST MISTI LYNN HALL
July will be a very busy month. I will be offering a Saturday Seminar, a weekday Seminar and a Workshop! Please see the descriptions below.

Saturday Seminar: Spirituality and Healing

Being married to a gay man dissolved my Spirit and caused hurt and pain to the depths of my Soul. I was walking around in an empty shell. Hollow on the inside. My Spirit was depleted and my Soul was wounded. I had no motivation, no purpose or meaning in my life. I was barely existing. Then I discovered the importance of rebuilding myself Spiritually. Finding things that fed my SPIRIT healed me on a Soul level. On Saturday, July 10, I will share with you the things that fed my Spirit and motivated me to start the quest of living an extraordinary life. You can expect this seminar to be a mixture of lecture, guided activities, discussion (question and answer session) and a downloadable journal/workbook on Spirit Center Discovery. This topic of Spirituality has nothing to do with a specific religion. This type of Spirituality will focus on how to refill your SPIRIT and allow that zest for life to flow back to you. This life is precious. You deserve to live it fully and completely. Join in on this live Saturday Seminar Telecourse via your telephone from the comforts and privacy of your own home.

What: July Saturday Seminar Telecourse
When: July 10, 2010 at 1:00-3:00 PM Eastern Standard Time Zone
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the Spirit Centered Discovery journal/workbook. Arrangements can be made to mail the packet if you do not have a printer.

Self-Esteem Seminar

I recently facilitated a Saturday Seminar on Self-Esteem. It was tremendously successful. I have gotten so much positive feedback and so many requests from Straight Wives that I will be offering a repeat of this seminar on a weeknight.

Often times Straight Wives have little to no Self-Esteem. Knowing that your spouse is Gay can be very damaging to your Self-Esteem. There are many things that can lead to low self-esteem. For starters, our culture already promotes the essence of a woman to be unrealistic by expecting us to be Wonder Woman. On top of that, add a Gay spouse to the stress and it spells for disaster in the Self-Esteem department. The years of being in a Gay/Straight marriage can be devastating. Little chunks of Self-Esteem are removed bit by bit, piece by piece.

Improving Self-Esteem is crucial for Straight Wives to heal. It can be repaired. It takes work, knowledge, time and effort to repair broken Self-Esteem. Join in on this Seminar to learn how to start the repair process. You can expect this Seminar to be a mixture of lecture, discussion (question and answer session), activities to help rebuild your Self-Esteem and a downloadable Self-Esteem journal.

If your Self-Esteem has been damaged due to being in a Gay/Straight marriage, join us for the Seminar. Regardless of where you are in your journey, this Self-Esteem Seminar should be helpful for you.

What: Seminar/Telecourse
When: July 21, 2010 (Wednesday) at 8:30-10:30 PM Eastern Standard Time
Cost: $30.00
Note: You must have access to a phone to call into the Seminar/Telecourse. You will also need access to a computer for email and be able to print the Self-Esteem journal. Arrangements can be made to mail the Self-Esteem journal if you do not have a printer.

Workshop: Rediscovering YOURSELF!
I am happy to announce that I have a brand new Workshop scheduled for July. This workshop is all about rediscovering yourself...redefining yourself...and becoming the new YOU. By participating in this workshop, you can expect to find where you are stuck in your grief process, identify your obstacles and learn how to remove those obstacles. The workshop will also be full of tips, guided activities, ideas and individualized suggestions on how to move forward.

If you are Straight Wife, you know how difficult it is to redefine yourself after a gay/straight marriage. Often times we wonder around feeling lost and stuck in our past. Our past has a tendency to haunt our present and future. Don't let your past define you. Realize that you deserve to have hopes and dreams. Join in on this 4 week workshop and allow this to be a time for new possibilities and new discoveries about yourself.

We will meet for 4 consecutive Mondays. The workshop will begin on July 25 and go through August 16, 2010. We will connect with each other via a conference line from 8:30-10:00PM on each Monday during the workshop.
What: 4 weeks of online/telephone workshop for Straight Spouses
Starts: July 26, 2010 @ 8:30-10:00 PM Eastern Standard Time Zone and it will meet 4 consecutive Mondays.
Cost: $150.00
Supplies Needed: Access to a telephone and to email.
Includes: Email support from the facilitator, Misti Hall, M.S.

For more information and/or to reserve your spot in any of the upcoming events contact MistiLynnHall@aol.com. The Seminars and Workshops are very easy and convenient to participate in from the privacy of your own home. The only essential equipment you need is a phone that will call a long distance number. Please note that your privacy is respected. You can register under an anonymous name.
To all of the wonderful men, gay and straight, who are part of this support network, Happy Father’s Day to you. To any women who have husbands who are struggling with the truth, hopefully you can share this newsletter with them in hopes that they will do the right thing someday soon.
With Love and Hope,

Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.

STRAIGHT TALK SEPTEMBER NEWSLETTER

2009-09-15T05:13:00.002-04:00

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
September 2009 Volume 8, Issue 99
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other

Please visit my website to view and purchases my books at www.BonnieKayeBooks.com. Your sales help support the website and monthly newsletter.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
Normally, I prefer not to focus on ME when I am talking to YOU. However, I would like to say a few words to my over 7,000 readers around the world who take the time to listen to what I share each month.

On September 26, I will turn 58. As I creep up through the age ladder aiming towards 60 in two years, I feel blessed that I had the strength to end the marriage to my gay husband many years ago so I could try to salvage the rest of my life and find peace of mind, happiness, and in my particular case, the love of a wonderful man who has become my lifeline. Because it is my birthday month, I would like to share some important thoughts with you.

Last week in our online support group, we were discussing the issue of “low self-esteem,” and how so many of us suffer from it. I explained to the group that I work every day to keep my self-esteem high because for so most of my life, it was so low. Self esteem is not an external issue—it’s an internal issue. For those of us who suffer from it—which are almost everyone reading this newsletter at some point or another, you know what a daily struggle it is to feel good about yourself. If you are living with a gay husband, it becomes that much more difficult because you feel the daily rejection and often ridicule in their effort to “control” the situation that is uncontrollable. Well, at least they try to control you since they can’t control themselves.

So, for all of you who are sitting there and shaking your heads in agreement, let me say these words to you. Self-esteem comes from conditioning. I know some of the most physically beautiful women who are brilliant, kind, and loving, but they have low self-esteem. They are doctors, nurses, politicians, actresses, company directors (and you know who you are when you read this) who feel just as inadequate as everyone else. You can look at them and say, “You’ve got to be kidding,” but I’m not. Their internal message system makes them feel the same as the rest of us who may not have been blessed with their physical or intellectual attributes. And yet I know women who will never be on a magazine cover and who may have jobs that are far from what most of us would consider high end, but yet they feel good about themselves because they have high self-esteem. Yep, I see this side of the equation as well. And I love seeing it too! It makes me realize that you can be Miss Average Jill and still feel like you are a true winner because you believe you are! That’s what high self-esteem does for women.

Because I have had a weight problem for 50 of my 58 years, I have suffered with self-esteem issues my whole life. From my teenage years when I “pudgy” to my adult years where I was just obese, I went through lots of horror stories in trying to feel “wanted” by a man who could love me for the way I was. When I married my gay husband 31 years ago, I was actually looking my best. I wasn’t overweight very much at that point—primarily because I had an eating disorder called bulimia. In my mid to late 20’s, that was my solution to my weight problem. I looked good and felt good about myself—better than I had in years—but that didn’t last long once those buttons of insecurity started being pushed in my marriage. My newly found self-esteem quickly went down the drain as my weight returned and the rejection set in.
So all these years later, I still struggle daily with my weight problem. I’ve accepted it is here with me to stay. I never stop working at it, but it’s just part of who I am. But guess what? If I’m concerned now it’s because of my health, not because of feeling bad about myself. Why? For the past 15 years and 8 months, I have been blessed to find a wonderful soulmate who hasn’t noticed that I put on that extra 60 pounds since we met. When I bemoan the fact of my weight, he just responds with things like, “More of you to love” or “You’re built for comfort!” This man makes me feel like I’m a movie star every time we are together. He makes me feel young and beautiful every time we are intimate, which is every week of the year. And we are no youngsters—trust me! But when we are together, we feel like we are in our 20’s. That is what I love so much about him. He makes me feel “internally” beautiful. He has built up my self-confidence instead of knocking it down. He inspires me and encourages me. No idea I have is ever too ridiculous or no requests are ever too “demanding” like it was when I had a gay husband. Because of his unconditional love for me, I have survived the worst tragedies in my life. It’s not all about HIM, it’s about me and him, and many times, he just focuses on me and what makes me happy. This is what a relationship is supposed to be.

What so many of you have is the “illusion” of a relationship because two people are living in the same place. But what you really find is two empty shells living there—both existing day to day. One is in a maze of confusion—the other is trapped in a lifetime of deception. Neither has the courage to say THIS IS NOT WORKING because fear and paralysis has set in. I always say every day you lose in these destructive marriages is a day you can never get back. Life is so precious and fragile. Ask me—I know. I lost both of my precious children in the past seven years. Life offers you no guarantees for sure.

This is why living with a man who is unable to love you for the woman you are is so destructive to YOU no matter what you look like or where you are in life. When I hear stories of women having to “beg” their husbands to have sex, it makes me ill. I remember those feelings of sexual rejection only too well. Nothing makes you feel less adequate than feeling like you are undesirable because a man won’t be honest with you about being gay. That is why I tell men I can always forgive them for being gay—that is not a choice. But it’s the deceit, the lies, and the manipulation to keep that secret going that makes me angry. No man has a right to rob his wife of what is hers—self-respect and self-worth. Men who continue to do this year in and year out are cowards of the worst type because they slowly peel away whatever self-esteem a woman has until she doubts her daily activities and sanity. I greatly appreciate our men who support us here who eventually do come to terms with themselves and do the right thing. I just wish all gay husbands could give their wives that gift.

So, I hope as my birthday gift some of you will do some heavy duty thinking about how wonderful your life could be if you allowed yourself to make that move and take your life back. If you need help or support, we have one great network here that will provide it for you. All you have to do is ask! You don’t have to do it alone.

MAILBAG:

Last month, we had two women who reached out to ask advice about dating and telling about the marriage to a gay husband and what to do with photographs with bad memories in the pictures. The responses were overwhelming, but all of them were important. Please feel free to always write and comment here.

Dear Bonnie,

I read your newsletter and am continually amazed at how we are a sisterhood with common stories. I filed for divorce August 3, 2007 and I got my final ruling August 6, 2009. I wanted to share my victory with all my sisters out there in the hopes that perhaps it will give some of them strength to keep going. It turned out there were 801 gay porn sites on the hard drive of the computer. He denied under oath knowing anything about how they got there. It was hard core evidence, with dates and times. He thought he had all this power because he had an attorney who promised him the world. He demanded half the house - even though my 85 year old mother, who lives with me, paid for 2/3 of the house when we combined households in 2000 because he was unemployed and my dad had Alzheimer’s. He demanded alimony for life because I earn more money as a teacher than he does as a Radio Shack employee and alimony pendente lite which is spousal support while going through the divorce. He demanded $55,000 rent for letting me remain in the house for the past two years. He was very concerned about getting the one item in the house that has some true value, an antique Persian carpet. He also demanded that I pay all his attorney fees. It should have been over in three months by Pennsylvania law and it should have been simple, if half the house was considered marital, it would have been equivalent to half his retirement account. His attorney had the power to drag it out for two years in order to accumulate enormous billable hours and he did that. He knew how to hurt me the deepest and so he did – by taking away the daughter I love with his lies, the grandson whom I have not seen since he was 8 months old and the fear of poverty. I was his victim for 29 years. But I hired a second attorney to intervene for my mother, doubled my attorney costs and fought back. I had no idea how the ruling was going to go but I refused to give him the power to break me. He thought he had the power because my daughter was his only witness. She is doing a residency as a doctor so having her come to court and testify that “my mother is crazy, my father is not gay” was supposed to make the judge give him everything he demanded. I watched him run up senseless legal fees that will completely empty his retirement account.

Our attorneys said very little in court. They didn’t have to. I married an engineer who earned a decent salary. I ended up with a pathetic creature with a 14 year addiction to gay pornography that took over his life, destroyed his career and his mind. The ruling went entirely in my favor. I get the house. He does not get alimony. He does not get alimony pendente lite. He does not get rent. He does not get anything in the house. He does not get his attorney fees paid for. He does have to pay me $4000 in cash for his share of the property taxes and his car insurance for the past two years. He also has to have an account set up in my name and transfer a hefty chunk of his retirement account into it. I don’t expect to get any money, he is a foreigner and he will probably leave the country to avoid having to pay me anything. But he ruined his life and he destroyed himself financially in his quest for revenge. He is 60 years old, earns $7.15 an hour and he blew all his retirement savings. He can contest it and he probably will but the end result will be the same. My advice to my sisters out there is to stand strong. I wanted my freedom to love again. Two days after the ruling I went on a cruise to Bermuda with my mother. It was rejuvenating and healing as well.

As for Julie’s question about what to do about photos, I packed all the photo albums in boxes and put them down in the basement after ripping up every single photo of him from 1990 on, the year when our marriage began to crumble because of his secret desires. Some day my kids might want to have them.

In response to Lil’s question about what to tell men in dating situations, I have approached dating as a research project. I talked to lots of recently married couples on the cruise ship and collected stories from them about how they met and I didn’t need to tell anyone that I had been married to a gay man. I wanted to learn more about remarriage in mid life. The basic consensus was that everyone has some kind of baggage. I think if a guy is turned off by it, then he is not the kind of man any of us need and that it is good to find that out sooner rather than later. We have a need for all the things we did not have in these doomed marriages…..respect, affection, emotional support, honesty, understanding, consideration, love and passion. We all deserve these things.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Take it one day at a time.
Dorothy

Dear Lil,
I read your letter with interest as I have been in a very similar position as you and can understand exactly what you are going through. My ex husband too was very nasty and unfair whilst going through the divorce. He had cheated on me with numerous men for years and I had found him out, yet he was the one being spiteful towards me. To this day I still do not understand what gave him the right to treat me that way. Like you at no point did I stop him seeing the kids even though I really wanted to sometimes. But believe it or not after seeing such a nasty side to him that I didn’t know existed everything has changed. He is now civil towards me and often quite chatty. A complete transformation! It is so much better for the kids sake, and mine too I might add!

Now to get back to your question about internet dating and telling the guys about your ex husband. This is what I have personally experienced. I have been internet dating on and off for over 2 years. Like you, at first I told the men before I met them about my ex. I think partly that was due to the fact that I had been cheated on and wanted to be sure I was honest and upfront from the start. This also allowed me to ask them why they had split from their ex wives. I wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with someone who had cheated on their spouse. Most didn’t seem to be bothered by it. Now though I don’t tell them until I meet them. But I do think it’s important from the outset to let them know as it has shaped my life as I was with my ex for 15 years. My past experiences with my husband also affect how I am today. I have met quite a few men from the internet and most I reject after one date. I went through a phase of looking for the perfect guy and felt I would know as soon as I first met him that he was the one! I have now come to the conclusion that I will never be sure straight away and trust and communication take time to develop.
Internet dating is very difficult please be careful. It is very flattering to have such a lot of attention from men once you join an internet site. Remember there are guys out there who just pray on vulnerable women. I have met my fair share! It takes time and experience on these sites to sift through the authentic single guys who are normal. But when you find the right guy I believe it’s important to be honest from the outset when you meet. If they do not wish to continue to see you then they are not worth your time anyway.

Best of luck
Joanne
P.S I have met someone recently. Although it’s still in the early stages I think he may be the one I have been looking for, only time will tell. Internet dating is definitely worth the effort. How else can busy mums meet single guys?

Hi Bonnie,
In response to your question posed in this newsletter, I'm a firm believer in laying it on the table from the get go. As I have small children, it's always a red flag that I'm divorced when I meet men and so I start with the truth. In my experience, I have found that the circumstances and the story matter less than how you have come through the story. Nobody wants to get involved with someone who is angry, bitter or victimized by their past circumstances, regardless of what they are. The feedback I have received as I've started dating is that the men have all been so impressed with how I have handled my situation and although the story is big and hurtful, I've emerged stronger, more compassionate and wiser as a result. My most profound wish is that every one of your readers can find their way there and no one feels like they have to keep their ex's secrets any longer.

Peace and love,
Carrie

Hi Bonnie,

I know that I have been out of touch for a while, sorry, but I have another new grandbaby and he is adorable. I have been healing and actually dating for a while now. I did not want to date after the divorce. It took me nearly 2 1/2 years to actually go out there. I even had crazy ideas that it was all a very bad dream and would someday be all right. Ha, Ha!!!, but it was not funny, as you all know. My situation may not be as some others, as I was one of those limbo wives. My husband, will never admit his lifestyle. He will go through life, as a sad, selfish, human being. Since I was not dating, it made sense to me to have "outings" with my ex. Not such a smart idea. It always left me feeling sad and depressed at what I had lost. The family unit, the family outings and get-togethers etc. I could not tell others about him, since he would call me a liar, and so I was the wrong person who gave up the marriage and ruined the family. I had a lot to get over. My son finally told me to get on with my life and realize that I had nothing to lose but being unhappy. Those were the words that set me off on a new direction.

So I tried on line dating. I met a great guy, on a free dating service, but he soon moved away and we have lost touch. I went out with him several times, but I would not have told him that my husband was gay. Later, several months later, I tried a dating service. I only signed up for three months. I met several men, but started communicating with one in particular. We have been dating several months now, and I DID NOT tell him about my husband being gay until we had been dating for several months. I do not feel that the men you date need to know everything right away. It makes you look like a whiner and a complainer. Being married to a gay man, as you know takes away a woman's self-esteem, and self-worth. We are belittled, ignored, taken for granted, a cover, a breeder, and sucked dry of any feelings that we are worth anything. We want to tell the world, what a derelict we were married to. Be the stronger one, be the woman that knows who she is and what she wants. When you start complaining about how you were married to this gay man etc., it scares them.

They are not strong enough to take it right away.
I can say that I am really happy now. My ex saw my new guy and myself in the mall in February. He finally said something to my daughter, who told me he was so mad, at me. Why? I don't know, he didn't want the package, but I don't want his either. I waited to tell until I felt that we had a strong enough relationship that he could handle the truth and I believe that it was a good decision. I also waited to date until I was sure of myself and who I was inside. I did have self worth, I did have a good feeling about my self esteem. Going out again is a scary thing. You have to open yourself up and that is hard since when you did open yourself before, you were burned really badly. All of us have gone through this horrific time. We need to stick together and realize that Bonnie has given us a great gift via which we can obtain the strength we need to get through the tough times in our life.

Thank you again Bonnie for your wisdom and assurances through everything. Feel free to send anyone who has questions and or comments my way. I don't have all the answers, but I have grown so much, thanks to you.

Jeanne

Dear Bonnie,

I can understand Lil wanting to "look" because it's natural: you want to know you've still "got it", that a really honest-to-God straight guy could find you attractive.

She's found that.

But I think her higher power is trying to tell her to take it a little bit slow right now ...

Now, in terms of being honest with a man, I've gotta say YES. YES YES YES. If he can't handle your reality, he isn't worth your time. You've spent X number of years taking care of someone who didn't take care of you ... now is the time to really listen to your gut.

I had a couple of misses before I met the man I'm currently with, probably the most thoughtful human being I've ever known. Yes, he's flawed (who isn't?!) but he wants honesty and isn't afraid of emotional intimacy. And, oh, by the way, he's straight straight straight. It's an amazing thing making love with a man who loves you and is attracted to you (and not a penis!)

That's my .02 Lil, take it slow and when you meet someone who you really click with, tell him when the time is right.
Linda

Hi Bonnie,

Lil wondered whether to tell her dates about her past. I did it both ways, however, the wonderful man I am now married to, I told on the first date. Because my ex husband was such a prominent community member and his "coming out" was done through an arrest, there was little keeping quiet about it. When I began online dating though, I just went by my first name and did so for the first couple of dates also. On my first date with my now wonderful husband, we were "clicking" right away. At a later point in the date, I said to him, "I need to tell you something that may change your mind about dating me", and I proceeded to tell him my last name upon he knew immediately who my ex was. I told him that due to this, I carried a lot of baggage. His immediate answer to me was, "you only carry the baggage that you choose to.......you did nothing, there is no baggage for you to carry." "You are a lovely lady that got a very raw deal." He then hugged me and told me in no way would that affect him wanting to get to know me. I knew then that he was the real deal and could deal with all I had to deal with. We married 16 months later and have now been married for 17 months and I have never been happier.

I truly feel that what we have been through will affect us for the rest of our lives. We can choose to let it consume us or to live through it and become stronger and happier but nevertheless it will affect us and sometimes it rears its ugly head at strange times. Having a spouse who loves us and understands all about us is a wonderful comfort.

I feel like someone who cannot love us for who we are in all of our totality only spells heartache ahead so I chose to be open and am blessed with a wonderful husband because of it. Hope this helps in some small way. Melody

Dear Julie,

The photos are something I, also, had a hard time dealing with. I put them away in boxes and never looked at them. We had no children together, so after he died, I finally just went ahead and pitched them. I knew I didn't want them anymore, and that I couldn't move on while I knew

I still had those damn pictures in those damn boxes in my house. I felt that he didn't deserve any more space in my head, my heart or my house. But, that's just me.

Since you have children, you could always ask them if they want the photos, or maybe if his parents (if they are still alive) or if his siblings want them. You could always have a shredding party or a small bonfire to wipe your hands of them. Or, you can just keep them in a box until you are ready. If it were me, I sure wouldn't bother to put them in albums.

One thing is certain, there are no rights or wrongs in this situation, whatever is best for YOU is right.

Hugs,
Joanie

Dear Julie,

Like you, I am an ardent fan of photography and have many photo albums from my 20 years of marriage to a secretly gay, cheating husband. He was also a sociopath an emotional abuser, and master manipulator. Like so many of us, I am still working on my recovery from this situation. I think I am just about there; it's been 14 years since he came out.

Photos can be so painful, since they freeze the moments in time, good or bad.
Every time I looked at any family photos, I would say to myself, "Oh he was cheating by then" or "Oh, that's when he gave me so-and-so gift to show me how much he loved me, and he was cheating". You can drive yourself crazy!

When I first had my ex move out, I readied him with 2 boxes of pages I took out of all the albums which contained him and his side of the family with our kids.

As for my wedding pictures, I could never stand to look at them. I wished I could jump back in time to warn that 23-year-old bride what she was in for. I finally gave the wedding album to my daughter. I don't even know if she kept it. I kept one picture of myself as a young bride.

I wished I could jump back in time and tell the proud mother of adorable toddler twins, what was about to start. I decided to put all the family pictures away until I could decide what to do with them. Maybe my daughter will want them. All the other photos are waiting for me to finish a really nice photo album of my kids, ages birth-age 21. After that, all the photos of my daughter's wedding and my granddaughter are with me and my family only.

Remember, you don't have to make the family picture decision right away. Put them away, and see how you feel later on. Give yourself time to heal from this horrible situation. It's all an ongoing process. Eventually, you will know what is the best for you.

Good Luck!
Lori in Texas

Hi Bonnie,
I wanted to respond to this.
"Once women are ready to start opening their hearts again and want to meet someone, an important question comes to light. Do I tell the new guy about my ex-husband? And if I do, when do I tell him? This is a question we often discuss in our support chats. Some women believe in honesty as the first policy; others believe that honesty comes after the relationship gets serious. Of course, there are pro’s and con’s for both arguments. Some women don’t want to invest emotional energy into a new relationship if the new man is going to walk away from this situation. Other women feel telling the new man will “turn him off” because he’ll be focusing on that issue instead of the relationship."

I don't ever tell a man anything about my past unless he specifically asks me. And even then I am very careful what I tell and how much. Generally those kinds of conversations are best done with girlfriends.
When I meet a man, I am generally interested in whether or not I like him and in finding out something about him.. I watch very carefully and I listen to the kinds of stories he tells me about himself. These tell me alot about him and how he deals with people and views life.

I generally assume that a man is most interested in whether or not a woman offers something that he might be interested in now, It's just my opinion that stories of past loves make a man feel crowded out and that its just more emotion than he is prepared to deal with early in a relationship. And its really none of his business unless you choose to make it his business. I find that now I really want to know a GREAT DEAL about a man before I am willing to consider giving my heart to him. And I expect the jury to be out at least a couple of years. In the first year, it seems to be a lot about fun and shared experiences. It's usually the second year before any trouble starts to surface or issues that were glided through asset themselves and demand to be resolved.

I never really enjoy hearing a man tell me how much he loved his first wife and how broken up he was over the divorce or her death. I like to think that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and I think most men feel that they want to be your hero and your lover and friend. I wouldn't tell him anything, but then if you do, if he runs, it might be that he can tell that you just aren't over it yet, or that you are looking for him to assure you that he will never ever cause you so much pain. And he can't promise you that if he has any integrity at all. Sometimes relationships end for any number of reasons. If I want another try at love, I feel that I have to be willing to take some chances and know that it takes a lot of time to trust and even then it might not last forever. I am more careful now.
I am one of the women that thought that my GAY husband was such a "good man" that I was willing to overlook the lack of chemistry, What a mistake!
I am so happy to say that now I have been dating a man for a few weeks that the sex is so hot with, you couldn't shake me loose with a big stick! I have to be peeled off the ceiling when he leaves for work.

I say have some fun and don't be so serious. If its right, he will be around in a year or two to have some of those long chats with and believe me when he wants to know, he will ask you. I intend to let a man be a man and if he wants me, he will have to hook me and reel me in. I think that when a man wants to make things happen with a woman, he does.

Anonymous

Dear Friends,

I have been reading Bonnie's newsletters since I learned of my ex- husband's on-line gay wrestling in the fall of 2005. Some of the comments and suggestions written over time, I have practiced. Others, I set aside because they didn't line up with my character, such as remaining angry and not forgiving my ex-husband's lies and for his going outside a committed, 23 year marriage. All of your comments are written by those who are in a process that isn't linear, meaning, it takes time, thought, prayer and the counsel and friendship of others to move past this horrible experience. It doesn't happen in a sequence and it takes the form you make of it.

In particular, I listen to those women who don't know what to make of a person who will not admit he is gay. (I am not sure bi-sexuality exists, although, I am open to this possibility.) My own husband is 'engaged' to another women with children. I begged him not to do what he did to another unsuspecting woman. He began to see her even before we were divorced. Of course, his position was: ' you didn't give me enough time to change, you are emotionally unstable, you sought out therapy, therefore there is something wrong with you, you are sexually assertive and that doesn't work for me, oral sex is dirty, or, I am too caught up in my work for sex......'

You see, often the same things many of you have been told and churn about in your letters to Bonnie. And so, what now? First, I have let go of having to hear the words: " I am gay" leave his mouth. I wanted and needed this from him--privately between us, as two married partners do. He won't and he can't. If he ever loved me, or trusted me, he would have told me he was gay. He can't. Period.

I have let go of him telling our two sons he is gay. Independent of me, they learned of this when they snooped his computer and found the truth for themselves. To this day, I have never said: "Your father
is gay." That is between their father and them. I told them, I didn't know what he was when they came to me with questions and confusion. I only said he partakes of these activities, and that he lied to me about who he is; and, that lack of trust doesn't make for a marriage. I have tried not to make him an evil person. He has a personality disorder, which leaves him without compassion and empathy. (NPD) He most closely aligns with a sociopath. It's a difficult disorder. We had been to 8 therapists over our 23 year marriage and
as long as I was the 'patient', he would remain in therapy. When he had to reveal himself, he would leave therapy.

My gay friends, who are both male and female, tell me that my ex isn't 'out' to himself, and that this will catch up to him if it hasn't already. Our tendencies to be who we really are grow with age. This is a natural process. We shed the “should’s,” the “must’s” and hopefully, live out who we really are with our inherent character, truth, integrity and light.

After nearly 4 years, I knew I wanted to rid myself of any residual resentment, anger, and damage the lies had left me with. This has nothing to do with my ex. This is something I wanted for myself.
Why? Because if you are angry, it shows up. If you are resentful it shows up.
Where does it show up? In your next significant relationship. In your relationship with your kids. In your relationship with your friends. It shows up and robs any current relationship of its goodness and health. You contaminate your good relationships with resentment and anger whether you realize it or not. You are either contributing to a relationship or polluting. I want to contribute.....

I am working the Al-Anon four step program. What is it? You name the person who has hurt and betrayed you. You write down, in no order, all, yes ALL the things that he or she did. Just a list. Mine is very long, by the way. It includes my ex telling me he never wanted our children after they were born. He went along to 'keep me'. Stuff like that. Big stuff and little stuff, like, ' Mary, you should not tell people how old you are in public. I want them to think I am younger than I am.' Yep. He said it many, many times.

The next bit of writing includes listing all of the ways this affected you, or what did it take from you. How did it affect you sexually, physically, spiritually, financially, morally, how did it affect your dreams. Again, I have a pretty long list....

Finally, you list any way you have contributed to this dynamic. What if anything, did you do, to perpetuate this relationship? How did you enable anything? It's scraping yourself clean. You need to do it. I have scrapped to the bone. It has been worth it.

I am going to take my work to my therapist who has been with me for nearly 5 years. She and I will review what is there and see what if anything more can be done, besides adding Time. There are also prayers that are used within the process of the Four Steps. Visit an Al-Anon group if you need to. It's for anyone who has been seriously harmed by a user, typically drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.

I made the choice not to be bitter, resentful, angry and abusive. I made the choice not to pollute my next relationship, nor the ones I have with my children, family and friends. Believe me, it will show up. You have to find a way to empty yourself of that stuff, so your Real Self comes back to you.

Thanks for listening.

My best for all of you in this little canoe trying to make your way.
Keep paddling, but use two oars.

Mary

Hi Bonnie

Short and sweet response to "Should we tell our new boyfriend the truth about having been married to a gay man"

Yes, tell your new boyfriend the truth, right from the get-go. If he can't take, it, then you're already a step ahead of the game, and know that he's not worth developing a further relationship with. If you can't talk openly about this topic with him, then I guarantee it's a predictor of a relationship that will not last. Don't continue to hide your gay ex-husband's secret. If your friend is afraid of talking about it, then find a new friend.

Regarding that wonderful piece that Julie Largent wrote. I LOVED reading about her dilemma. For it is also my dilemma. I have family photos in a couple of boxes that I have kept for years, intending to mount into photo albums, but since discovery, I neither want to look at them, or especially, handle them. I always wondered why my ex gay husband was never interested in family pictures. The only photos he took over the years were when his mom, sister, aunt or uncle came to visit, and he wanted me to take the pictures. I always had a feeling that he didn't want me in any of the pictures, which, at the time, was a subliminal feeling; however, after thinking about it, after reading Julie's article, I just now realized, that my feeling at the time, was true. He never suggested that my picture be taken - it was always his family doing the suggesting for me to be included in any photo, now that I think about it. Those pictures of him and his family were the simplest for me to dispose of - I just put all of "his" pictures in a box, which he took with him when he left our home, about 3 years ago. As for the others - the ones with him and me, or some variation of my son and daughter with him - I gave all of the pictures of him and our daughter, to our daughter. She's ok with him. She thinks I should forgive him. My son, on the other hand, has painstakingly cut his father out of pictures and saved the remaining part of the picture of himself and/or me, but I still don't know what to do with them - I can't mount them on a page for a photo album, that way. And then there's the wedding pictures. What do you do with them? I suppose these are the same questions that would arise given any divorce from a gay or straight man, but we have our own special pain, knowing that it was all pretend, is something that a divorced ex-wife of a straight man, wouldn't experience - at least they know that what they had was at least real, for a time. For us, it was all an illusion, as these pictures themselves, now seem to be.

Anonymous

That’s all for this month. Have a great one!
Love, Bonnie

JULY NEWSLETTER 2009

2009-07-15T09:41:00.003-04:00

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
July 2009 Volume 8, Issue 97
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other

Please visit my website to view and purchases my books at www.BonnieKayeBooks.com. Your sales help support the website and monthly newsletter.

IN RESPONSE TO THE FATHER’S DAY JUNE ISSUE

Last month, I published my first newsletter featuring letters only from some of our gay men who support our efforts. I asked them to contribute insight that would help women understand the demons they faced that contributed to their living double lives until they came to terms with themselves.

I wanted to do this because when women experience this myriad of confusion, hearing how this happens can sometimes give us understanding that can lead to our healing. It wasn’t intended to make you feel better about your situation, but rather more aware of what some men go through in their own struggles.

I had a large response to this newsletter with various points of view, some of which with their permission I have reprinted to share with you. Some women really appreciated reading the words of these men because it gave them a better understanding of how their husbands were thinking. But others were angry because they felt the men were trying to “justify” their behavior. I viewed it not as a “justification,” but rather as an “explanation.” I am a very understanding woman whose heart hurts for men going through this nightmare. However, that being said, I will never justify the misbehavior of their cheating on their wives emotionally or sexually during the marriage.

I’ve said this numerous times before. Homosexuality is not about “infidelity”—it’s about “sexuality.” It’s about a man posing to be a straight man and living in a straight world while being a homosexual man and making his wife feel inadequate because she is a woman. Here are some points that I want to reiterate.

1. Nothing makes me feel angrier than when gay men tell their wives, “It takes two to make a marriage fail.” No, it takes one—one gay man living in a marriage to a straight woman where he doesn’t belong. That’s a fact—not an opinion. No matter how “nice” some of these guys can be, they aren’t into you because you are a woman. They may cuddle with you, hug you, even perform sex with you, and love you on some level, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want a man to have sex with over making love with you. No woman should have to feel that she has to compete with a man for a man’s love. First, she can’t compete; second, she can’t compete. I thought I would restate that for you in case you didn’t hear me loud enough the first time!

2. Most married gay men look for reasons to blame their wives for their unhappiness. Although the wife is the cause of the unhappiness, it’s not because she’s a wife—it’s because she’s a woman. They try criticizing, controlling, and micro-managing the marriage to make you think that what’s wrong is your fault, but that’s because they are miserable living within their own lies. Rather than accept responsibility, it’s so much easier to blame you for their unhappiness. How many of our women tell me the same thing my ex-husband used to tell me—he felt “trapped.” I used to feel like an ogre expecting my husband to do what a husband should do—want to spend time building a life with me and making love with me. Yep, that was trapping him, right? There is only so much belittling that women can take before they start to believe there is something wrong with them—and so they stop asking and stop expecting. This creates a loss of self-esteem and sexual esteem. No man should be allowed to do that to a woman on a continuous basis, year in and year out. Who is really “trapped” here? The man is leading his life “outside” the marriage while the woman is truly trapped by her own insecurities and feelings of failure.

3. There are no easy ways to end a marriage. If I hear one more man tell his wife to “get over it” because she’s had six weeks or six months to come to terms with it, I’ll get really angry. A man has his whole life to deal with who he is. He spends years in denial and living a double life because he can’t accept who he is. So now that he has come to terms with himself, we’re supposed to move at the speed of light to just accept that everything we thought we had in our marriage is now gone. Guys, give me a break. It took you years to accept you—don’t expect us to “get over it” in record time so you can enjoy your new life. It isn’t going to work that way. So many of our women still love their husbands when they lose them. They have spent years loving these men. Even when they know the marriage has to end, it doesn’t mean they can turn on and off the love.

4. What hurts so much is the betrayal. I think that if a husband was honest with his wife before he acted on his homosexuality, she could deal with the situation so much better. But in almost all cases, men (even the nicest ones) are out there playing while they are married. I have heard from hundreds of members of this support network who have STD’s brought home to them by their unfaithful husbands who had no consideration about infecting their wives. As I always say, no man has a choice in being gay—but he does have a choice in being honest. The honesty should come before the husband decides to go out there and do his thing. That would be the right thing to do.

So guys, if I hurt your feelings, I’m sorry. But you know me—I have to say it as I see it and have seen it for nearly 30 years. But I’m always happy to listen and share, so continue to send in your letters and I’ll continue to share them with our women in hopes of creating a better awareness and understanding.
Here are some letters from the last two months:

Dear Bonnie,

7 months ago, I sent you this:

"Dear Bonnie, my new good friend:

Please, please add me to your newsletter at this address, and let me know how I can get your book, "Straight Wives, Shatter Lives." This is so how I feel.

My 52nd birthday was October 29th. A few minutes past midnight on the 30th, my entire world was rocked by concrete proof of my husband's infidelity, and life "in the closet." He inadvertently left his email open, and I got the shock of my life. I printed out several of his emails (I had the presence of mind to realize I might need proof); I also figured out his password, since he uses the same one for everything. Funny enough, he has yelled at me because I vary passwords; he told me to keep the same one. Little did he know that that would provide me easy access; also ammunition, in case I have to take him to court. I don't like this hard side of me; it's almost as unknown as the man I found in those emails. He's been doing this for a year. How could I not have known?

I found emails setting up "dates" -- when he should have been looking for a second job. I work about 50 (sometimes, up to 80 hours) a week. He's been complaining about "doing everything", while playing with other men. I found pictures he's sent to other men "displaying his wares" -- I wouldn't brag if I were him. But, apparently, he's had takers.

I have been married for 24 years, with him for 31. I feel so betrayed and angry, frightened to death of the future, in mourning for my future life I envisioned -- I burst into tears without warning, am hanging on only with the support of my friends and my children, who, interestingly enough, have told me for years that "you know, Daddy's gay." Their friends (and some of mine) have said to me since this "you have such great 'gay-dar': how have you missed it?" I honestly had no idea. I feel like the biggest fool.

I look back over 31 years, and think that there were warning signs I missed -- I thought the worst thing to happen to me was incest as a child, then teenager. I was wrong. That was a walk on the beach compared to the misery that my marriage has become, more increasingly over the past 10+ years. I have wracked my brain and my soul over these years, trying to figure out why I am so miserable a failure as a wife, why I can't do anything right, walking on constant eggshells, afraid to "upset" him. This sets him off in a verbally denigrating, berating diatribe of my failures; he's blamed me for everything from the condition of the house to the "turning against him" of our children. Thankfully, our children are now 18 and 20, so custody issues are nonexistent.

He is extremely self-righteous about attending Mass -- interestingly enough, he apparently has hidden his sexual proclivities from everyone. I am harboring feelings of vengeance; I want to out him to the congregation: my Scorpio is hard to override in this.

I am in the process of obtaining a formal separation agreement from my lawyer (also one of my friends), and I want to be able to have all of the facts at my disposal before I sit him down. It won't be pretty. He will probably blame me, as always, and become vindictive. It is killing me to make him leave, but I see no way of salvaging this relationship. By entertaining men, he has also given me HSV 1 and 2, and that is unforgiveable. My children have told me "you deserve someone who will treat you right", so I know they are very supportive.

I do have outside interests -- my community theater involvement is my passion. He directly blames my involvement in this as a reason for our relationship to suffer "your theater has come between us". It is my relationship with my theater friends that is saving my life. I also have a good career as a nurse manager that has provided me a support network at work as well.

Thank you, thank you for being here. For the first time since I discovered the horror that my marriage and life has become, I am starting to feel hopeful about an "after life." I still feel that my chances for a romantic afterlife are just about nil.

I apologize for the length of this -- but I am so grateful that I am not alone. Bless you.
Sincerely, Theresa"

June 14, 2009
That was November 15, 2008. Hard to believe it's been 7 months since that letter -- so much in my life has changed. I'm writing back to you to let you know how GOOD life is now. If you want to share any of this in your newsletter, by all means, please do -- maybe it will help other wives of gay men.

As you know, I found out October 30th. All the details are above; I kept my secret through Thanksgiving (fortunately, it was a small dinner). I made it through Christmas (I had a hysterectomy on December 18th -- my children were with me, and my mother came to help out and stayed almost to the New Year. This helped, since they all knew the truth (how we all kept it a secret, I really don't know!) Christmas was awful as was New Year's Eve (I went out with friends, since he had to work -- a small blessing).

Every time I looked at him, all I could think of was, "You lying bastard. How can you go on like you're so innocent? Don't you feel any guilt? You son of a bitch!" It took all the strength I had not to tell him right out. I was working on my separation and property settlement agreement, and I wanted to have all of my pieces in place before I confronted him. For three months, I kept my silence. At times, I thought it would kill me. Every breath I took was painful – I had panic attacks at night, waking up gasping. He slept blissfully through it all. The first month I was devastated, the second angry and the third putting the final touches on my planning. I had to be so careful; losing his income had to be taken into account seriously; our daughter (age 18) was still living at home and in school. I had to consider more than myself; unlike my husband, who was willing to throw it all away.

Finally, finally, on February 1, 2009 at 2 pm, I walked in my front door and said "We need to talk". He snidely said "about what?" I told him to join me at the table by the door (he had been escalating in his anger, and I wasn't sure how he would react). I said "I know what you've been doing and I want a divorce." He then said, "I do, too." My reply? "Then let's talk business." I had the separation agreement in my hand all ready to sign (if he would; my best friend is a notary, and was waiting down the street with her stamp, just in case he agreed to sign the papers.) When I confronted him about his being "gay" -- I asked him if he knew he was gay when he married me and he said no. He also waffled over being "gay" -- "I guess I am". He also said to me, "I guess you've been screwing around" -- I told him "actually, I haven't. I've been faithful for 31 years; but apparently you haven't. Get yourself tested -- you gave me herpes." His response, "Oh." Oh, indeed. When I asked him whatever made him think that cheating on me was ok, he said "I wasn't getting it from you." Us women know that sex, for us, begins in the mind, by the way we're treated and made to feel, long before the actual physical act begins; he was clueless. For him "it was just sex; us men can do that." I told him, "So can women, but I honored my vows." He also told me that "I don't have any guilt about what I've been doing - you deserve everything you got" -- I was incredulous -- "including herpes?!" "Yeah, everything." I looked at him and, in that moment, knew why women killed their husbands. Fortunately, I had already decided that I was worth 100 of him and he wasn't worth the trouble.

By 2:06, I called my son's friend (who was down the street, ready to protect me; my son was out of state) and said, "no drama, we're reading the agreement." A short time later, all signed and notarized, we were legally separated. I couldn't believe it -- in the end, it was such a simple procedure! All of a sudden, I felt a HUGE burden lift from me, I took a deep breath and said "I'm free!" I left the house with friends and my daughter and went to celebrate, leaving him in the kitchen. Don’t get me wrong; I knew it was partially relief that it was out in the open, but after so many months of pain and fear, the relief was welcome.

We moved him out twelve days later (he was supposed to leave twenty days later, but he started ransacking the house every time I left, so I threw him out). It was ugly, hostile and nearly violent; it also removed any hope I had had of remaining friends or, at least, being civil to each other. Sadly, my children were with me. They knew, somehow, who he really was; I never saw it (or wouldn’t see it). As much as I was grateful for their support, it saddened me that they had to see the awful end to what had been so good long ago. My husband had been at odds with my son for years; my son told me that he kept his peace for me; my daughter has her own relationship with her father. So ended my former life. The same day he left, I had my son and his friends start to repaint my living room; with that beginning, "Project Refeathering My Nest" has been ongoing; I have been happily industrious and am enjoying the peace in my home and the freedom to rearrange and change my home to suit me and my daughter.

People keep telling me how good I look, how "radiant" and "have you lost weight?" I tell them "yes, I lost 250 lbs. of ugly attitude!" Life is different; sometimes a little harder. I kept the house, so now I've got all of the responsibilities to deal with alone. But I am so much happier now. Yes, I do miss being part of a couple and the husband I married so long ago. May 26th was my 25th wedding anniversary; I went on vacation with my children and celebrated my independence instead of my now defunct marriage. I am loving my freedom and the glory of being free from the critical, belittling and the overall mean and petty, angry man that my husband had become. I am free of the futile, numerous attempts I made to rekindle our intimacy, thinking that if I was better, more open, more accommodating, that he would be more loving and accepting of me. I'm free of the constant battle of trying to bury my needs and trying to fulfill his. Free of never, ever, being "good enough". When I found out about my husband, I was thinking "maybe I can live with this; maybe we can live as friends, maybe ..." I was trying so hard to live with his lie. But, thankfully, I had such wonderful people to support me, as I finally, painfully, decided to end my marriage. But it was the right decision -- of that, I have no doubt.

I’ve read letters from gay men on this website; I’ve read about their pain and uncertainty and all of the rest. Part of me wants to be sympathetic; perhaps I would have been, had I not been lied to and treated so shabbily. Had my husband been truly “a man” and sat me down, truly talked with me and not blamed me for “pushing him” into affairs with men, maybe I wouldn’t have been so shattered when I found out. For all my “failings,” I deserved (as we all do) much more than finding out from email. I’ve wished him dead more than once; the closure would have been much easier and the memories of the good years would have remained untainted. Now, almost every memory of my life with him is shadowed by “when did it start?” “Why didn’t I see the signs?”

This is my advice to anyone still living with this nightmare. Be fair to yourself! Go on those gay/bisexual websites and read those emails. These men are selfish, egocentric and arrogant -- they may not be totally happy with their situation, but they're satisfied to get their needs taken care of, whine about being unhappily married but enjoy all the rest of what "normal" married life is like. They rationalize their behavior to assure themselves that they're OK -- that they're not hurting anyone, that they're still "good husbands", so they have the "right" to do what they're doing. My husband complained constantly, but enjoyed my income. Get out of that hell and go on with your life. Take back the "real you"; not the "married you" you've become so that you can "keep him happy"; "keep the peace", etc. You'll NEVER make him happy! He doesn't want you, but he's too cowardly and self-serving to let you go. He doesn't even care if he brings home an STD and passes it to you -- I'm so angry that I was faithful for over 30 years and STILL got herpes. Their world is a sex-focused, self-serving, man-to-man "bonding" subculture of society that exists. These men are a slow-acting poison, making any relationship with them toxic; they're like leeches draining the life out of the women unfortunate enough to be married to them. They build themselves up, while ruining the very women they vowed "to love, honor and cherish". Cherish? Like hell. Too harsh an indictment? I don't think so.

Bonnie, thank you so much for all that you do. I never thought I would survive the upheaval and pain, but I did. I never thought life could be so good, but it is. I never knew how strong I was until I freed myself from the imprisoning life sentence my marriage had become. Now, I'm even ready to go out and date again, make new friends and maybe find someone who'll appreciate the person I've become. Thank you, thank you for validating the strong, resourceful, valuable "me" that still remained deep inside; I'm joyous to be back, whole, powerful. To my sisters: there truly is a wonderful life waiting for you; it'll be better, because, just being yourself, you will be "enough."

Theresa

Dear Bonnie,
“There is a certain prototype that gay men look for in a wife when there may be problems down the road. That’s why you rarely see a straight wife seeking total revenge on her gay husband. In some cases, it does happen, but for the most part, we are women who love too much, too hard, feel too bad about our husbands’ pain, feel guilty even when our head tells us it has nothing to do with us, and continue to want to protect our husbands even when they are out there and not protecting us. “
Ladies when I read Bonnie’s May newsletter I did not know whether to laugh, scream, or cry so I did all of the above. You see what she said in that quote was so true,. And yes, Gay, it is Gay.

I joined this group two years ago when a man I was madly in love with told me over dinner how he wasn’t gay but his boyfriends are. He was serious! I wish I could have used that line Gay, it is gay to explain to him that when you sleep with men you have won the homosexual Triple Crown. He could not understand why this was not welcome news and why I wanted him out of my life immediately. That lead to the second phase of shock and awe on my part.

The icing on the cake is I went on line to meet someone three months ago after a few years of being shell shock and leery as you can imagine. The site was recommended by a family-oriented morning show and hosts I trust.

The gentleman picked me and we clicked instantly. I corresponded with him for about a month and then had wonderful telephone calls. I could never arrange my schedule to meet him but I finally planned for the Memorial Day weekend to be the time.
Then he dropped the “G” nuclear bomb the night before I was supposed to meet him in person. First he asked if I had ever been with a woman, At that point my radar kicked in because the one two years ago accused me of being gay when I suggested one night after dinner that we go to a “gay” area for coffee. Hell, neither of us had a car and it was the only place Metro accessible. I asked him if he was gay in return and he acted as if I asked him if he ate his young.

Back to the future, Internet lover then said he slept with men! I gave him points for honesty but the room rocked.

I did not handle it well with the first gentleman two years ago—I cursed him vigorously for about half a mile as we walked home from the restaurant.
Obviously the professional counseling degree and church reconciliation classes are kicking in. I told him I was not going to judge him for what he did in the past because it was not my right. I decided to try to talk him down from the heterosexual ledge and encourage him to embrace his true sexuality like I did with the first one.
He is from a culture where this is taboo and anathema. His mother is in town from overseas and I began to think I was in an Indian version of “The Wedding Banquet,” the film where the gay man marries a woman to avoid telling his parents he is gay. As if parents don’t have eyes to see and ears to hear. Momma probably knows.
In any event, he retracted it later and said he only said it because he wanted to see if I would sleep with him if he said he slept with other men. I suppose he forgot that he had also asked me if I would be interested in a ménage a trios with another man. Ladies, this is not what I call courtship behavior of a straight man!

Gay is not an aphrodisiac for straight women.
It was late at night and he works on Wall Street, so he must have been at happy hour too long and short term memory was impaired. Mine wasn’t. I remembered what he said. Counseling classes teach you to attend. Okay, this is denial taken to a dangerously deep level!

On a positive note, I can see how this group and the support of others have helped me. I am not devastated as I was before and I did not lose my religion by calling him out of his family name. I simply said Adios
I was trying to figure out what I did to attract another one of these mentally disassociated people when this Newsletter came in the mail.
So thank you Bonnie. I see that I am a woman who is too kind, too compassionate, too loving, and too forgiving. In other words, they seek the best women for the worst treatment.

Oh, and guess what internet guy. You are gay, it’s gay!
Anon.

Hi Bonnie,

Your June newsletter somehow seemed rather sugar coated to me.

Most of us did not have these experiences, and I believe some of these men are skipping over a very important part of "their process"--like the truth. The man who had sex with many men before he married his wife -- did he inform her of this before the marriage or did this part of the truth not seem important to him? Did he even consider that she deserved that "little bit of truth"? No. He just married her to fit in. She never had the chance to choose whether she wanted to marry a man who liked having sex with men. It was his decision to lead her blindly into this "marriage." I have no sympathy for him.

Also, I feel many of these men are skipping over the cheating during the marriage. I think they see it as "being true to themselves" and not as cheating on their wives, not to mention that they potentially exposed their wives to life threatening sexual transmitted diseases.
Sorry, I just found it really hard to read these sugar coated stories. Too much of the woman's pain was ignored. But, too many times, that is par for the course as far as they are concerned. It's all about the poor gay man, while the wife is left to pick up the pieces of her life.

And so it goes...

J.
Dear Bonnie,
I read this month’s letter but what about the women like me who were tricked by a man into a gay marriage in which he knew exactly who he was and what kind of a life I was in for? My husband withdrew all sex and affection beginning on the honeymoon and had a regular sex life with men throughout the marriage. He used me as a beard and to improve his standard of living there was no love on his side it was a con job. I was wife number five. He spent the whole marriage trying to convince me that the life we led of no sex or affection was normal, that I was unworthy of love and it was unreasonable of me to expect him to want to have sex with me or show me affection since I was such a bad person. Once when I asked him about his refusal to have a normal relationship with me he said that if I gave him complete access to all of my money he might feel like having sex with me. This man nearly destroyed me. I would like to hear more abut this kind of predator.
Thanks
Marilyn

Dear Bonnie,
I had thought I was dealing with what happened to me, until I read the self justification of gay husbands in your June newsletter.

I truly believe that no one has a choice about whether they are gay - that this is somehow built in and cannot be changed or altered. But everyone does have a choice about how they live their lives, and the same standards of decency and honesty apply to gays as well as straights. No one has a right to harm others and then whine about how they can't help it. No one has the right to cheat and lie and steal years of a woman's life, then wring his hands and whimper about his pain. Was your pain great enough to make you change your life? MINE WAS!

Kay A.

BTW, Kay lives in Sioux City, South Dakota. If there are any other women in this area who would like to get together for support, please let me know and I’ll refer you to Kay.

Bonnie,
That was very interesting, but somewhat hard to read. It is only hard because I still don't know if my husband is in denial or not. I am weighing my options anyway because he is not good at loving me and the girls in the way we need (because sometimes I feel like he uses our marriage problems to be less of a dad at times...like when he's out of town for work and doesn't call for days or weeks or is unaccountable by not answering our calls...he has told me he doesn't want to call because he doesn't want to talk to me...this is just stuff from the past....he's been around a lot and better at this when he has been away, yet his job is ready to take him away a lot again).

So I am planning. I have finally come to a point that I’ve realized my love is not enough for both of us. (oh, he says he loves me and shows it in his own ways...yet at the same time he is so hurtful and negative about me....). maybe it helps that i had to do the same with my mom a few years back because she is a lot like him....cares more about being right than anything else. He has so much anger, i don't know where it comes from.

I still don't feel like there is any excuse to lie. I feel like even if a man has lied 399 times, then start telling the truth the 400th time. The past lies don't make it okay the next time. The man can never start to gain respect from his wife and children unless he starts somewhere. I’m not saying it would be easy at first and I wouldn’t react or get cold toward him. But the sooner he told the truth, the sooner I could go through the cycles of loss and just get to a better place. Right now i just have intense loneliness. I know things are not right. My heart aches....he has hurt me so many times worse than any break up I’ve ever had in my dating years. This is the father of my children and his lack of love and intimacy and acceptance hurts me to the core. Sometimes I have wailed (how else can I say it...it is a cry of agony that comes from pain so deep inside...a mother's cry for a child lost or in trouble)...all alone because his actions and words are so heartless and just break me down (and I cry for my children, their father that I chose, me...their
mother, and this family. This hurts way worse because of my desires and hopes for my girls...and I feel like he's cheating them when he cheats me.)

This hurt is also from the lack of support he gives me as a person....I don't want only the financial; I want him to want to take care of me as a man could. Believe me it's the last thing I want to hear that he's gay. But this little feeling I always get that he might be is so much more painful. If I knew this were the reason he isn't loving and intimate towards me in the way I know exists....then it would give a reason for everything. It's not what I want...but it's just like someone avoiding going to the doctor's when they know they are dying...they can feel it and/or they can see the signs, yet it doesn't change that they need to face it. They can't stop themselves from dying by denying it's happening.

I am making plans to put myself first so I can show my girls how strong I am and how much I love them and that being a woman doesn't have to be demeaning....not because he's told me the truth, but because I have just hit that point where he can't do this to me anymore. I don't want our girls to think of me as I am in this relationship. I’m tired of being labeled as if I’m one with him....like I’m just as sick and hateful....like I just "love fighting" as he puts it. I feel darned if I do and darned if I don't with him. I’ve reached the point I’m going to stop fighting for us...because it is useless. I’m done talking, and I’m done caring. I’m done trying to explain my feelings to him in millions of different ways in hopes of him "getting it."

I’m done initiating sex (it finally got past the begging stage...not sure if he's just doing that to pacify me.) I do love him as only a wife of this long could, but I’m realizing that it's okay to love him, and still put myself and therefore my girls first and just take care of us. I’ve tried to work on this marriage, it seemed to get better, but it really never will.

If he never tells me the truth and I find out some other way...which I will...the truth almost always comes out eventually....I don't think I could ever go through those cycles of loss and begin to find acceptance. Because I would always know that he was not a man to tell the truth to me and for the girls. I would know that, as usual, he put his own need to avoid personal pain or reactions from others over being man enough and caring enough to put us first. As one of your gay ex-husbands said in the letter....the only way to be a role model to his kids was to start being true to himself. The lies in the past will not be made right, yet he is being a person of honor from that day forward. And that would be a start.

And I know there's a possibility he may not be gay...he may just be a confused soul who is selfish and not good for me. It is not enough to have somebody love me only to pacify me. That is not what I have given, and I’m ready to open my heart up to friends and loved ones who are more like me. When my time is being eaten away by a user, I am passing by true love and friendship, the kind we all need to get us through and make the burdens of life a little more bearable!

I can never forgive him unless we start moving forward, someway...making changes....honesty...which i know i may never get...so I have to make my own life.

One more thing....I don't think he cares that I’ve had this pain...not one bit. He knows about the tip of the iceberg of the pain he's caused. And he makes it clear that I’m just playing the world's tiniest violin. He makes it impossible for me to ever even touch on just how I feel. I know that's defensiveness because of his shame and he has a hard time wanting to deal with how his actions have affected other people. which is funny how his actions always end up affecting me and the girls the hardest...yet he's always so busy worrying about his own self inflicted wounds.

Mother and human being with value."

Well ladies, thanks for sharing your feedback. Please feel free to respond to any of our letters or issues. If you would like to have your letter republished, I will contact you and you can sign it however you like.
Have a good month!

With love and hope,
Bonnie

Gay Fathers Speak Out

2009-06-21T14:29:00.002-04:00

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
June 2009 Volume 8, Issue 96
A monthly newsletter for straight women and gay men in or out of marriages to each other

Dear Readers,
First, let me thank you for the overwhelming number of letters from the May newsletter. The response was overwhelming with kind words from around the world. I’m glad I was able to connect with so many of you to bring a sense of reality into your situations.

This month I have dedicated this newsletter to gay husbands/ex-husbands who support our efforts and through this newsletter. This is the first time I am doing this, and I would like to explain why.

I think it’s important for women who have married gay men to understand where these men are coming from. So many of you question what was real in your marriage; others wonder if your marriage was all a lie. Some women are still blaming themselves for their husbands’ homosexuality thinking that in some small or big way, they had some influence in this situation. Some of you have horrible ex-husbands who keep telling you that this is your fault, manipulating those emotional buttons to the limit.

When we are in the midst of living through the nightmare, it is easy to lose perspective and only see things from one point of view—namely ours. And quite honestly, I do feel that our side is usually the right side for us—the women. However, I stick by my words that in almost all cases, these men loved us, hoped to be good husbands to us, and believed they could live happily ever “straight.” For many of us, the beginning of the marriage was real. It’s the years ahead that became like Alice in Wonderland—topsy turvey through a distorted mirror. It’s hard for us to understand how men who proclaimed to love us were willing to “throw it away” for sex with a man.

As much as I say that homosexuality is not just about sex, it’s hard for women in pain to accept this. For that reason, I have asked some of the men who support us, this newsletter, my writing, and your pain to write something that will hopefully explain things that will help you understand things better.

Dear Bonnie and Readers:

In 1909, Sonora Smart Dodd of Spokane, WA invented Father’s Day to honor her father, William Smart. William, a Civil War Veteran, raised Sonora and her 5 siblings after their mother died in childbirth with the couple’s 6th child. Sonora wanted him to know how grateful she was for the sacrifices he made. Since her Dad was born in June, she chose to hold the first Father’s Day celebration on June 19th, 1910. It took several years before Father’s Day gained wide support but finally, in 1956, a joint resolution of Congress made Father’s Day official in the United States. In 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day and in 1972 President Richard Nixon made Father’s Day a National Holiday.

But just what is a father today? The role of father in American culture has greatly evolved since Sonora honored her father. In 1910 the role of the father was to be the family CEO – the ultimate family authority, disciplinarian, and comptroller. He played an important role in teaching masculine skills to his sons and provided protection and guidance to his daughters. However, our culture evolved and so did the role of father. Men went off to war leaving their wives to raise the children and run the household even as they staffed the assembly lines in the factories. Through WWI, WWII, Korea, and Viet Nam men were drafted and families learned to function without Dad. Then came the pop psychology culture of the 1970’s. Zen, EST, encounter groups, and an explosion of do-it-yourself pop psychology self-help books ushered in a seismic shift in our culture. Fathers became less central to the family. Instead we learned to nurture ourselves.
Sylvia Ann Hewlett and Cornel West wrote The War Against Parents and expressed their belief that pop psychology has been detrimental to the parental-child relationships. They wrote "..in its more watered-down, popularized forms, psychology can be extremely damaging, particularly to the parental role and function. At the heart of the matter is the fact that in our increasingly therapeutic culture, external obligations, whether to parents, children, or community, are minimized, because they interfere with a person's capacity for self-love and self-realization." The result, according to these authors, is that pop psychology encouraged an individual ethic that placed self-fulfillment above others such as public service, family or other important causes.

Pop psychology oversimplifies the message. Helen Reddy’s song “I Am Woman” convinced us all that women are super human. “I am invincible,” she sang. Husbands and fathers became the spare parent – no longer essential to the family. But as a result, young men looked to street gangs to provide male role models and development of their nurturing and parenting ‘skills’. We have also seen a tremendous increase in teen pregnancy and single Moms as an increasing number of daughters grew up in fatherless households. But in general, fathers did not have the same legal rights or equal access to their children. Until very recently co-custody was uncommon and the courts simply did not enforce visitation for the father. Fortunately that is beginning to change.

But the loss of contact with my own children did not occur simply because the courts refused to enforce visitation, nor did they fall victim to pop psychology. It would be easy to blame it all on the court, but the fact is that the court simply distilled and codified all the homophobic guilt and shame I felt about myself, and the betrayal, rage and resentment my wife felt when I admitted I was gay and could never change. Before we separated, I doted on my kids. My son was my shadow. I could not keep him out of my tools so we invested in a tool set just for him. We built projects together or sometimes we put model planes and ships together. We explored hardware departments and Do-it-yourself manuals and blueprints. My daughter was my Princess. Perhaps it was my gay brain that enabled me to style and curl her blond locks before school, or pick out her stylish clothes. Whatever it was, it had photographers and model agencies actively encouraging her to do modeling. But all that ended when my wife and I separated.

In a war of angry words, my wife made it clear that our son needed “a real man” for a role model, so she enlisted the aid of Big Brother to provide the masculine leadership that I could not possibly provide him since I was gay – and lousy at sports. And in my own internalized homophobia and self shame, I walked away from that fight. I gave up and made myself the disposable parent. How could I compete with a ‘real’ man?

But is that really what makes a Dad? Is there some kind of certification program that one passes which tests men on things like team sports knowledge before certifying them as a ‘real’ man and effective role model? Is being heterosexual a prerequisite for that course or certification program? Our culture assures us that Mothers are essential for healthy childhood development, but why do we need Fathers and what skills and experience are required for this position?

Social scientists tell us that children are strongly influenced by observing their parents working together to solve problems and provide support for their children. Rigid roles such as who cooks, who cleans, or who mows the lawn or plays handball are unimportant. What is important is that their kids learn from the way in which matters are discussed and decisions are made. Children who have two active parents see an adult world and the interaction between parents. It teaches them how to have a relationship. It teaches them how to one day be a parent to their own children.
The traditional role fathers play in their children’s life is that of breadwinner and provider of the basic necessities of food, shelter and clothing. But fathers (even gay ones) are also seen as providing protection for their daughters and a role model for their sons. However, it is the role the father plays as one half of the parental partnership that is undoubtedly the most important. Even when a marriage dissolves, it is imperative that Dads stay active and involved with their sons and daughters. So I salute the Dads who find creative ways to stay involved with their children and who refuse to walk away.
Doug

Dear Bonnie:

To say the least May’s newsletter was a very interesting one and Bonnie you made your point quite clear.

As a gay man, married and with a child I can relate to the pain and mental suffering that each and every one of you has gone through and continue to go through, all the questions that roll through each and every one of your minds, everyday, “why did this happen”, “how did this happen”, and most importantly, “why to me”?

I believe that my wife asks herself those questions every minute of the day and even with help from professionals is still in denial of the whole situation. In one of my previous responses I mentioned that when two people get married they marry for Love, with the hopes of having a family, for a life time commitment.

When I finally realized myself who I was it was too late to go back in time and undo what had happened. Realistically I do not think that any gay man who marries is out to harm or hurt his wife in any way. From my own experience I did marry for Love, but at that time I was in denial of who and what I was and took many years to finally realize the truth about myself. The woman I married is a wonderful and loving person who till this day even after what has happened still professes her love for me, has forgiven me but does not change my make up or needs. Many people still ask me if I still Love her, honestly yes I do, she is the woman I fell in Love with and married, she is my best friend in life, but can I offer her that type of Love that marriage is supposed to, no I can’t. This has been the case for many years now and it is the stereotypical story about a gay man marrying.

I have been psychoanalyzed and the result has been the same of what I believed within myself for many years now. Truthfully, it’s me that was in denial of my own being right from the start. I really do not think that any women who is married or been married to a gay man realized just how much anguish and mental suffering each man goes through and how much courage and strength it does take to finally tell their partner the truth.

When my wife found out about me and I had to tell her about me, my heart was broken into a million pieces and truthfully I was scared. I was not scared about me, but scared about what I had done to her and what it would do to her for life. I was afraid of what this would mean for our child, his well being and life long ramifications. For many months now I have been beating my head against the wall thinking of what it is that I accomplished from getting married and living the lie for so many years? Some questions I can answer some I still cannot. Like many other men out there in this situation we have gained the utmost love from a wonderful woman, the respect and trust from her family, we have become fathers and the though of loosing all this is so very frightening.

Most of you must be thinking what a selfish attitude, but with all that is written on the subject, there is very little on the subject of the other side’s feelings. Believe me when I say that my suffering during all this has me just as in much pain as you many women out there. I know that what I and many other men out there did is not fair, nor justifiable to you women.

When Bonnie says that it’s not your fault believe her when she says that. You had no way of knowing what was to happen in the future. From the man’s side of things neither did I. Many of us men who married with hopes of having a normal life, we could not predict the outcome either.

As a father and husband I will not abandon my family, they will always have my support and love, this is the commitment I made to them as a father and husband. Should my wife choose not then so be it. Selfish no, realistic yes. Many of you ladies have become dependent on your husband and probably the most difficult thing that you must come to grips with is the independency factor. Your self esteem has been destroyed and it’s up to you to build that up again.

With Fathers day coming up, it will be hard for all of us, just like any other family holiday.

All the best to each and every one of you, and to you Bonnie, God bless you in all the help and good words you offer so many women out there to find themselves again. To all us men out there who really hurt from our situations, be strong not only for yourself but for your families.
Joe

Dear Bonnie:

“Honey I’m Gay” a phrase that is very difficult to listen to and accept and just as hard to say. When I had to say them to the only woman I ever loved in a romantic way they just about killed me. I had been married for 16 years 14 of, which were wonderful. We were married a total of 18 years and though I didn’t realize it at the time she was my sole mate. We shared the same dreams, hopes and expectations. Except for one. I kept that nightmare to myself.

As opposed to other men in my position I never strayed. Not because I wasn’t tempted or I didn’t have the opportunity but because I was so afraid of what it would cost me. I loved my wife and my sons they were the center of my life. I told myself that my “deviant” sexual desires were not to be allowed.

After 14 years of marriage life through us a curve, my wife’s father was diagnosed with a fatal heart disease and we were told he had little more than six months to live. My wife who was an only child felt it was best to move back home away from all our friends and closer to her family. She wanted to support her mom when the time came. I was not as willing but thought it was something I had to do for her. That move brought on a series of events that turned all of our lives upside down. My wife dedicated herself to her parents and parenting our children and I looked on as my place in the picture was taken on by her immediate and extended family. In fact I felt like I was just another face in the crowd. I never told her how I felt, instead I tried to adjust and found some refuge in a challenging job and my sons.

The feelings of alienation had been growing for about six months then when I was at my weakest moment as I drove my sons to school I saw a pair of beautiful eyes that were in the face of a beautiful young man. I had never seen him before on the road and thought it was a fluke something that would never happen again. Well I was wrong it happened for 14 days in a row. Finally one day as I was driving to work, from the school I saw the young man and he winked at me! To make a long story short I fell for the young man hook line and sinker.

The next 18 months of my life were a mixture of guilt, anger, pain and lies. My wife finally confronted me and I asked for a separation because I truly did not know what was going on inside me. Don’t misunderstand--when I was in college I had plenty of sex with men of all ages sizes and types; however, when I got married I put that all behind me and kept myself for my wife. Our sex life was not good by any stretch of the imagination but we were content, busy, and I above all was in denial. Now all of the feelings I had repressed for so long came out and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

My wife and I had high profile jobs and we were well known. I had to do something and what I did was move back to the city we had lived in before we moved back home alone. There I was safe if nothing else due to the sheer number of people. The young man called me almost every day telling me how much he missed me and how much he wanted me. My wife in her pain let me be. It was very painful to call and have to say hi and ask to speak to the boys. It was even more awkward when I went back to visit them. Being a gracious lady and a wonderful person she allowed me to stay at her house. I’m sure she would have preferred to see me on the streets or dead but for the sake of the children she put up with me. She never made me feel unwanted or unwelcome--I did that all by myself. It was a painful time for use both.

Unfortunately because of the pain and confusion I was going through, I didn’t recognize how much she hurt. That is not an excuse--only a statement of fact. My ex-wife passed away due to metastatic breast cancer about 2 years after our divorce was final. I was with her as much as work and my obligations allowed me to be, and I took charge of making all of the arrangements. My sons came to live with me and we tried to put together our broken family as well as we could. I explained to them why there mother and I divorced and my lifestyle, and to my delighted surprise and their mother’s credit, they didn’t even bat an eyelash.

My oldest is on his own now and my youngest still lives with me. We have never been as close as we were when I was married and they were young children. However, they know how much I love them and that I will do anything in my power to help them and keep them safe. As for their mom she is always in my prayers and in my heart she truly was a wonderful woman.

To all the men reading this I ask you if you have taken into account the pain you are causing your wife by lying to her and denying her the opportunity to be truly happy someday? To the women reading this I put the following questions. Have you ever done something that you are deeply ashamed of something you can’t even truly justify to yourself? A thing that you were told all your life was bad? Have you ever had to fight back the feeling of intense panic the grips your heart when you realize that you are doing something that will ruin your life? Yet you risk it all because you truly have no choice? That is what most gay married men go through every day. Once he realizes that no matter how hard he tries, he will never be able to keep those desires under control and it only gets worse with age.
M.A.

Dear Bonnie,

Three years ago in June, I made a radical change in my life. I came out to my wife and ultimately about all of my closest friends, family members and co-workers. My truth was life altering for myself, my young children, my wife and my extended family. I thought having to suffer through the death of my Father was incredibly difficult. I soon realized that death could not compete with what my family and I were to endure through the process of me acknowledging that I am gay … and destructive nature of divorce.

My story is so similar, to so many you and I have heard about, read about or lived … that it barely needs more than a few sentences here. I knew since about the time that I was in my early teens that something was “different” about me, compared to my male friends. However, I had convinced myself that different was fine and that I def. wanted to and could, live the life that my very conservative old New England family instilled in me. By the time I was 30 I had everything I thought I had ever wanted; a beautiful and smart wife, a great job and fine country home. I even had a golden retriever.

By the time I was 38 I had all of that and two beautiful children, too. And can you believe it … I was not happy? I thought I was going out of my mind. How could I have everything and still not be happy. The deeper I looked at myself, the clearer my answer became. Those nagging thoughts about what made me think I was different became more evident. Could it be that my preoccupation with how men looked was more than just me comparing myself with them? Could it be more like me longing to be with a man on an intimate level? It was more and more evident, that stereo types about gay men applied to me. And it was becoming increasingly more difficult to always watch how I expressed myself, how little I cared about football, baseball, basketball, etc. And biggest of all … how difficult it had become to keep my eyes focused away from the hot guy that see in the grocery store or walking down the street … fearful that my wife or someone else would notice.

For years my mother and sister and others would say … you don’t seem very happy. What’s wrong? My pat answer would always be … I’m tired. Well … I was tried because I had for years and years and years been trying in vain to suppress who I was … in order to become who I wasn’t … so to fulfill ideas established by my family and society. I wanted so desperately to fit in … to be accepted and loved. Denial is an incredibly strong resource. Denial can be a good thing … in small doses. I my case … denial was slowly killing me.

Coming out to my wife was of course the hardest thing I had to do in the process. My wife was in complete shock. Shock turned to sadness and then anger. Three years later … I still some anger and sadness but thankfully I’m now seeing more and more acceptance. Two days after I came out to my wife, I had to explain to my children that the love I had for their mother had changed and was not strong enough for us to stay together. My oldest child curled up in my lap and sobbed and I quite simply wanted to die!

Six months prior to coming out to my wife I had finally accepted that I am in fact, gay. Once I accepted that fact I found a therapist and started working with him on what I should do with my new identity. Should I continue to deny myself and live my current life until my children went off to college? Or should I lead a double life behind my wives back? Or should I finally be true to myself and those around me? I obviously chose the latter … given the facts, I believed my wife deserved to be with a person who could love her and be with her the way she deserved a spouse should be. The fact that she deserved to be happy and to know that the end of our marriage had nothing to do with her! And given the fact that how could I try to teach my children to lead an authentic life if I myself could not lead one. And given the fact that I was simply so tired of suppressing “myself” from the world that I felt I might truly make myself ill due to my lying about who I truly am.

Three years ago … just before I came out … I was scared to death of what chances were to lie ahead. But one morning I literally woke up and it occurred to me that the life I was living had been much less of a life than what I thought anyone should accept. And if when I came out, that the only things I had left where my truth and my daughters, I could begin to lead a much happier life.

To my great surprise and relief, I receive a huge amount of love and support from every last friend; co-worker and family member (save two and course my wife). Within two weeks, I had come out to nearly 30 people and almost the exact words came from each one; you are a great person … compassionate, loving and kind. If you believe you are doing the right thing for you and your family … we support you.
On the contrary, my wife was very angry and talked to me very little. Within 10 days, she called me to tell me she was serving me with divorce papers. She had asked me to move out of our house almost immediately. Prior to this time, I had always played a major role in the caring and giving to our two children. Suddenly, my wife wanted to control my time and access to our daughters. I was going along with her wishes, hoping that if I gave her some control on that end, she would feel better. That plan did not work in my favor. The more control I gave up the more she grabbed for. I understood her reactions to a degree but it was very painful to live through. But I knew what she was having to endure was just as painful. It took the two of us and our two attorneys and a two hour meeting to get to me more access. I took to sending cards to my children everyday … since some days when I called home, my wife would not answer the phone.

When my wife and I first separated, I told her I would continue taking care of all the finical responsibilities … just as I had been doing (since my wife had not worked since the birth of our second child, three years prior). And even though I was not living at our house any more, I told my wife I would continue to mow the lawn each week and clean the pool. Each week I did what I said. Each week I would leave flowers from the garden in the girls’ rooms … a little reminder that I had been there and was thinking about them. I read the books about having as good of a divorce as possible. I continued to see a therapist. I was always at the house to pick up our daughters when I said I was going to be … never late for pick up or drop off. I was determined to show my wife, that even though I could no longer be her husband in “normal” terms … I would never, not be there for her and never stop taking care of my responsibilities to her or our children.

The first year of separation was the worst. I felt like I could not be the Dad I wanted to be. I felt like a stranger at my own house. I could not understand why my wife and I could not communicate better. I felt scared, not knowing what the final outcome of the divorce would be; where would we live, how would we figure out a co-parenting schedule, how could I help my daughters understand how and why this happened … and on and on and on.

My daughters are my world. Nothing is more important to me. I have done my very best to show them consistent love and support. My parenting schedule with them is nearly 50%. I’m hoping someday soon it will be completely 50/50. Knowing it’s in the best interest of our children to have equal access to both parents. I know the girls friends. I know their teachers. I go into their classrooms to help out. The girls know my friends. I managed to keep the house that they have lived in since they were born. My daughters have been slowly (over a two year period) introduced to the man of my life … whom I’m marrying this summer. We are all very much becoming a family and it’s great. I hope that some day, my ex-wife understands that one of the reasons I chose the man I did, to spend the rest of my life with … was because he loves our daughters so very much. And they are loving him right back.

In the last two weeks there has been another dramatic shift. My ex-wife and I have gotten together for two intense and emotional conversations. We have both been able to hear thing; feelings, concerns, thoughts … about each other which I guess we are now finally ready to hear. We are both ready for closure. We are both ready to work on becoming friends again. We are both ready to work on co-parenting our children the way they need us too. I have never been happier in my life! It’s taken three years to get to this point … but I finally believe we are on our way.
D.

I want to thank our men for sharing their feelings with us. It proves that these are very complicated situations with no easy, and in many cases, happy solutions. We all go through life trying to make sense out of something that is so hard to understand. Hopefully the words of our men will help you understand a little more clearly.
If you have comments or questions, please feel free to send them to me.

With love and hope, Bonnie Kaye

STRAIGHT TALK MAY 2009 NEWSLETTER

2009-05-15T23:04:00.003-04:00

Dear Readers,
This month, I am sending you a personal newsletter written exclusively by me in honor of women and Mother’s Day. Any mailbag correspondence for this month will be included next month.

Also, in June, I am inviting my gay husbands/ex-husbands who are part of our support network to write for the June newsletter to tie in with Father’s Day. I know it will be a powerful issue, so please watch for it.

MAY IS FOR WOMEN!!
May is definitely the month that celebrates mothers, wives, and women in general. I would like to spend this month with you talking about the wonderful women who write to me daily in their worst moments of stress and distress trying to make sense of what has happened in their lives. Many of these women are now facing single motherhood, something that would have been unthinkable when they were taking those “I do” vows of love eternal. Every woman thinks at some point in the marriage when learning the truth, “Who would have ever thought…..”
Let me look back over the past 25 years since I started working with over 40,000 women married to gay men to give you some insight of what has changed. Okay, that took about five seconds. The answer is NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The same feelings of disbelief, shame, and fear are still the prevalent emotions that all women write to me about. I still receive on an average 30 – 40 letters a week for help and support every week. Women are still asking me to give them the answers that they are desperately seeking to these questions:
1. Will my husband change?
2. Can my husband change?
3. What can I do to make my husband change?
4. What can you do to make my husband change?
5. Why can’t my husband change?
Then after a couple of go rounds, the responses go in one of two directions:
1. Why didn’t I find you years ago? or
2. Why are you so negative?

Some women who write to me accuse me of being negative when I tell them the answers to these questions. They think that through developing a combative dialogue with me that they can make me change the answers I am giving them. They try to wear me out or down. They ask me why am I so black and white? Where are my shades of gray? Aren’t there any exceptions to the rule? I sometimes get worn down enough to tell them that yes, there are exceptions to every rule. I know there are at dozen or two women out of millions of us who embrace their husbands’ homosexuality and think that it’s just fine. I don’t have their names, but I advise them to check out those online groups that encourage women to sit and linger in a destructive marriage to a man who can never be a real husband to them.

I prefer to think of myself as the voice of sanity and reason rather than delusion. How many of you would be reading this newsletter if year in and year out I told you that it’s no big deal to have a gay husband and you can learn to live with it? I bet those dozen or two women would find their way to this newsletter list while the rest of you would turn away in disappointment. You see, even though most of you may not like what I have to say in the beginning, you know what I am right in what I am saying by the end. Once you are willing to close that closet door stuffed with denial—namely your closet stuffed with your denial—you have to deal with the truth at some point.

I have no happy campers writing to me. Every woman who writes to me feels her soul has been ripped out of her. It doesn’t matter what religion, nationality, culture, country, political belief, education level, or profession she has—she is part of the same group as all of the rest of us. And although we are all so different, in many ways we are all so much the same. I truly believe that we have so many commonalities that gay men sense when they meet us. We are trusting, loving, accepting, understanding, compassionate, giving, and in most cases, forgiving. This is not a coincidence—not with so many numbers of us. When a gay man is seeking a wife, he is seeking a woman—either consciously or unconsciously--who fits that profile “just in case.” And I say “just in case” because these guys are really hoping against hope that marrying us will change them. But it doesn’t. It can’t. They are gay. We are women.

Some women have what they thought were the best of marriages. Others had the worst. In the end, it’s all the same. But in between the beginning and the end, it’s definitely different. Women who had marriages with turmoil feel a sense of relief that the marriage is over and now understand the reasons why they could never make their husbands happy no matter how hard they tried. They have an easier time accepting that homosexuality was the cause of their unhappiness because now they know that it wasn’t because they weren’t “thin enough,” “attractive enough,” “smart enough,” “supportive enough,” or too “sexually demanding.” Women who had happy marriages have a much harder time dealing with this news. They lived a happy life and believed that their marriages would be forever. They may not have had the best sex lives, but everything else seemed great. They were married to their “best friend.” They can’t understand how sex with a man could be more important to their husbands than the love for their family. They don’t understand how men are willing to sacrifice the beautiful life they have for a sexual act. They want this “nightmare” to go away because they want their husbands “back.” They come to me wanting that magic wand that will “whisk the gay away.” I never was able to find out where they sell those wands. I am still working on finding the wand that “makes your husband gay” as so many ignorant people still believe we have the capability to do!
Two of the most heard questions are (1) Why did this happen to me? and (2) How did this happen to me? I’m not quite sure how it happened, but I’m pretty clear on why it happened. Almost all of you were “gay bait” whether you want to admit it or not. Please let me explain before you get upset—and that goes double for my gay husbands reading this. In all of my endless research over the last 26 years, I have put together a profile of the woman that a gay man seeks out for a wife. I have a whole chapter about this in my book “The Gay Husband Checklist.” Once again, let me doubly emphasize that I believe in my heart that almost every gay man who marries loves his wife when he marries her—I’d say at least 95%. Let’s be honest—would most of us have married a man who we didn’t think loved us? I don’t believe for one moment that straight wives are desperate women trying to hook any man who will marry them. On the contrary. Most of us dated our gay husbands for a while or knew them for a while and the love was there. These men loved us with their hearts to the best of their ability. There was no trickery here—gay husbands didn’t marry you because they hate women. They married you because they loved you and hoped they weren’t gay men. Most of them knew that they had twinges, attractions, or even urges to be with a man, but they could not equate that with being gay. And for those who did know at the time of the marriage that they enjoyed a few fleeing sexual encounters with men, they felt for the most part it was just an encounter and that didn’t make them gay. How could they be gay and love a woman?

They were just as confused then as we became later. They were just as influenced by the gay stereotypes in movies as we were. They couldn’t relate to the swishy, flashy, effeminate acting men that Hollywood portrayed as gay. That wasn’t them. Gay men grew up with the same misconceptions that straight women grew up with. Gay people only wanted gay people. The fact that these husbands had these feelings was a fluke—a fluke that would disappear after they married you. Loving you and building a family would take their minds off those terrible thoughts FOREVER.
And for a while, it did. Starting that new life with a new wife and taking those vows kept them busy for a while. Most of us were married in our 20’s when any sex can feel good to a man—even sex with a woman. Most of them tried to be loving husbands. But in time, “loving” became “dutiful,” and from “dutiful” became “resentful.” A gay man for the most part can only keep up the pretense for so long. As they physically mature, so does their sexuality. Unfortunately, with all of the research, slides and scales that have been invented to explain this, no one has come up with a realistic determination of when the “gay day” will strike. That’s because no two people are exactly alike. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there could be a method that by your 21st birthday when the clock struck midnight, a man’s sexuality would suddenly become clear? Maybe someday science will learn how to control that “gay clock,” but I don’t know of anyone working on it yet.

The fact is that a man’s sexuality will develop at any time throughout the marriage. I believe there are a few men who honestly didn’t even have a hint when they married—not even a twinge. They are able to successfully enjoy their marriages for a number of years. Then all of a sudden—BAM!!! Gay creeps up on them out of nowhere. But most gay husbands had some kind of feelings before they took those vows to you but either thought they would disappear or could be controlled. Look, people give up smoking and carbohydrates; why not desires for a penis?

For those men whose sexuality jumped ahead of them, the unhappiness set in. And guess who was responsible for that? YOU. You were the cause of their frustration. You made them feel “trapped.” You made them feel inadequate because you were expecting them to do things they didn’t want to do—namely make love to you. And so you became sexually “demanding” just because you expected them to act like a straight man should act. And to justify their unhappiness, they started holding you accountable for everything that was wrong in the marriage. In their own minds, if they could make YOU the fault, they wouldn’t have to accept the real culprit—THEIR HOMOSEXUALITY. It was easier for them to knock you down than to be honest with themselves. You were standing in their way of frustration, so you were easy to knock down—over and over again. The knocking wasn’t usually physical, but in almost all cases it was emotionally and mentally abusive.

No one who is straight understands better than I do about the pain that so many gay men go through during their struggle to come to terms with themselves. I have worked with hundreds of wonderful men—some of whom contribute regularly to our newsletter—who share their heartaches with me during their quest for understanding themselves and “chasing the gay that won’t go away.” You always hear me repeat over and over that these men have NO choice in their homosexuality—but they DO have a choice in being honest about it. The sooner the better is what I say. Every day that you live a lie, is a day gone that cannot be taken back. The days turn into weeks, the weeks months, the months years, and before you know it, 10, 20, and 30 years have passed. For many people, it is a lifetime. And what do you have to show for it?

Some gay husbands believe they are doing the “right thing” by staying in a marriage that is a lie. They justify it by saying it would hurt their wives too much if they left. I think the woman should make that decision after she knows the truth. To me, that is the coward’s way out. In most cases, men are afraid of what they have to lose, and in many cases, there’s a lot at stake. Most likely your wife won’t be happy when she hears the news, and how she reacts causes fear to paralyze many of these men long after their honesty due date.

Many of your gay husbands continue to live in denial and never will tell you the truth. I tell women who have husbands that finally admit to being gay or even “bisexual” which is gay to be thankful that they have a confession. So many of our women feel they can’t have closure because they don’t have a confession. What is that about anyway? You supposedly “love” a woman but you don’t “love her enough” to tell her the truth for fear of how it will affect you? Is that love or is that selfishness? Ummmm...it is selfishness.

You see, as I told you earlier, almost all straight wives of gay men are not typical wives. There is a certain prototype that gay men look for in a wife when there may be problems down the road. That’s why you rarely see a straight wife seeking total revenge on her gay husband. In some cases, it does happen, but for the most part, we are women who love too much, too hard, feel too bad about our husbands’ pain, feel guilty even when our head tells us it has nothing to do with us, and continue to want to protect our husbands even when they are out there and not protecting us. They aren’t thinking of us when they have unprotected sex and bring home sexually transmitted diseases, are they?

Hundreds of women are receiving this newsletter who have HIV/AIDS, herpes, syphilis, and pre-cancerous conditions attributed to STD’s brought home by their unprotected husbands. To me, this is unforgiveable. Even then, some gay husbands can’t be honest. They turn the tables accusing their wives of infidelity. Or they come up with the old “toilet bowl crawling with vermin” theory. They are “clueless” how their wives became infected. Okay. How do you even respond to that?

I never said there were any easy solutions to this multi-complex problem. Some gay husbands do the right thing—and some, sooner than later. Even the later ones I can deal with. But the ones that never do the right thing, well those are the ones I hold great contempt for. They refuse to discuss anything with their wives. They emotionally retreat into a shell and don’t come out. They live in a constant state of denial, making their wives second guess themselves over and over and over. This second guessing is emotionally exhausting for any woman who has to keep questioning herself daily. I remember those feelings of self-doubt and how they crept into every decision I had to make. After a while, I couldn’t do anything without questioning my ability as to whether or not I was making the right decision. After all, if I was “imagining” my husband was gay, what else was I “imagining”?

One of the biggest problems that both gay husbands and straight wives have understanding is that gay is not a “lifestyle.” One of the prime reasons why gay husbands are so convinced they are not gay is because they don’t feel comfortable living in the stereotypical gay world. They believe if they are repulsed by gay bars, gay parades, and gay activities, then they aren’t gay. They are straight men who have a sexual need. They don’t equate that sexual need to gay. They really believe they are straight. A gay encounter now and then to relieve the need doesn’t make them gay. As one woman in my support group recently said, “My husband said he just ‘dabbled’ a few times. Dabbling? Yikes! What is that? Plenty of men claim they aren’t gay because they only allow men to perform oral sex on them. Oh yes—they make sure to add that it’s because their wives don’t want to do it, and having a man do it makes it “Not Cheating.” So I suppose if a woman has a straight man perform oral sex because her husband refuses to do it, then it’s not cheating, right? Where’s the sense of reality here?

Why do women have such a hard time accepting the truth even if they don’t find hard-core proof of their husbands’ homosexuality? What is proof? For some women, it would mean walking in and finding him actually having sex with a man. They keep asking me, “Does it mean he’s gay because he’s looking at gay porno? He swears it’s only pictures and he’s not acting on it?” Gay. It’s gay. Straight men DON’T look at gay porno. Others ask me, “Is it gay when he masturbates? He’s not having sex with anyone else.” In other words, he’s not having sex with you, but he’s masturbating and having sex with himself—usually after looking at the gay porno. Gay. It’s gay. You catch him in gay chatrooms posting profiles of himself. He claims he’s just having fun because he’s bored. Gay. It’s gay. Straight men don’t have fun that way. You find his cell phone bills and there are calls to gay dating services or sex lines. He says it’s just a joke. Gay. It’s gay. Spending money on gay hotlines is not something a straight man would do. What is wrong with our women? When I tell these stories to my own ex-husband, he laughs. He can’t believe that women are this naïve. We are so desperate to hang on to the cries of denial that we believe anything these men these men tell us. I say “we” because I was once walking in your shoes a long time ago. I wanted to believe that the worst of all possibilities was impossible.

By hanging on to this hope, I lost who “I” was in the marriage and became someone that I no longer recognized. I remember making all kinds of personal compromises in my head every day. Even though the words were never spoken, all the clues and hints were there. The confrontations always ended the same way: “You’re imagining things.” I knew in time that I wasn’t. In the beginning I was able to believe those denials, and in fact, felt relieved when they kept coming. But in time, I had to think with my head instead of with my heart.

What was I able to live with? What was I able to accept? How much could I live with in order to keep my family intact? If my husband disappeared for a few hours every six months and did something I never had to find out about with a consenting adult, I could live with that. I thought I could live with that. I was willing to live with that. I packaged it in my own mind and felt a sigh of relief. I was so ridiculous, wasn’t I? Many of our women try this approach at first because of the fear of losing what they have. I tried to make it feel better by using the word “bisexual.” That was certainly one step up in comfort from “gay.” Bisexual gives women the illusion of hope. Your husband can be happy with a woman or a man; therefore, he can pick you—IF YOU TRY HARD ENOUGH. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing I tried worked in the end because we have NO CONTROL over our husbands’ homosexuality. They have no control over it—so how can we have any control?

Many of our women write and tell me that they live with gay husbands who are controlling. They don’t necessarily start out controlling, but as they grapple with their homosexuality, these men become controlling because they have no control over their sexuality. Some of them are in such fear of the truth coming out that they will isolate you in all kinds of ways. Some will whisk you off to a new home hundreds or thousands of miles away from everything secure and familiar to you. Others will start making demands on your time so that you don’t spend time with friends and family. And still others will make it so uncomfortable for company to come that people will want to stay away. They hope that by isolating you, you will not tell their “secret” based on your knowledge or suspicions. By isolating “you,” you become more dependent on “him.” This is how he keeps you in his darkened closet.

The sad thing is that even when some of these men finally do come out, we are still stuck in that closet. They’ve jolted—we’re stuck. We all go through the same set of emotions ranging from “how could I have been this stupid” to “I can’t tell anyone about this.” Of course it doesn’t help when your husbands warn you “you better not tell anyone about this—especially my family.” That’s when you are now stuck in the situation of continuing to live his lie for him while he is living his gay life and telling the people who know and love you that the marriage didn’t work out for “mutual reasons.” Or some guys go to the next level and come right out and say the marriage didn’t work because of YOU. And you are still “protecting” his secret while he’s defaming you. What’s with that?

I know that change is difficult, but living in a marriage that’s a lie is more difficult. Some of our women lose view of that because they feel paralyzed into inaction. They’ll sooner pop mind altering anti-depressants than take a chance at making a change for the better. How good is a marriage if you have to be medicated to stay in it? Doesn’t this show you that there is a problem?

For the women who are afraid to break up their families because of the children, I say take a chance. Children know when a marriage isn’t happy. They know when you aren’t happy. They are too young to understand why you aren’t happy, especially when they are living in the lie with you. So instead, they start doubting themselves and wondering what they are doing wrong to cause you unhappiness. They blame themselves, no matter how many times you tell them it’s not their fault. They don’t believe you any more than you believe your husbands’ denials. And what about the role model you are setting forth for them? Is this what you want for them in their futures? Do you want them to stay in a marriage that lacks emotional connection and sexual connection? If they see that is acceptable in your marriage, they will think this is what marriage is and repeat it in their own marriages. I also ask my women this question: Do you have a daughter or a sister? If not, a best friend? When they say yes, I ask them if they would want them to be in this kind of a marriage. No one has said yes. So why would any woman want less for herself than for her child, sister, or friend? What sense does this make?

I never compare two people. I left my marriage with two little babies after four years of being beaten down. I only had a GED which I obtained at 26. I went on welfare for 3 years while I snuck to college and raised the children struggling financially every single day. But I had peace of mind that I didn’t have to struggle living in a failing marriage that had no place to go but further down. I put myself in a place where I wouldn’t have to worry about supporting my children any more. I became self-sufficient and independent. There were days when I was falling over with exhaustion. I had a 3 month old with a rare undiagnosed disease at the time. I had a two year old who gave new meaning to the “terrible twos.” And yet, as horrible as it was, it was still better than wondering every time my husband went out the door who he was going to meet and have sex with. It was better than listening to all of the reasons why he didn’t want to have sex with me. And it was better than being in a controlling situation where I had NO control. Yes, it was difficult, but it was BETTER.

Change is a fact of life. People have overcome greater struggles than this. No one says it will be easy—because it’s not. But staying where you are and being paralyzed is not easy either. I know change can take time—but you have to WANT to make a change. And if you are reading this newsletter, there is something within you that is looking to do this. I don’t give you a timeline, but rather a mind-set. You can never by physically free if you’re not emotionally free. You have to have a clear mind to make an escape plan. And some of our women can never escape. They are disabled and dependent for health reasons—but guess what? They are emotionally free which is half the battle—the most important half of it.

Don’t apologize for loving your husband after he turns your life upside down. You can still love a man who has done this to you because there is part of you who understands this is not a real choice. You may hate the way he does it or how he treats you, but that doesn’t mean you can turn off the love button like a faucet. Some women will love their ex-husbands forever. Look, I love mine. Not as a husband, but as a family member. It took years to get to this point, but children often bond people together. Our losing both of our children in 2002 and 2005 bonded us more closely together than before because no one can understand our loss better than each other.

And if you don’t love your gay husband anymore, that’s fine too. Plenty of people break up who are straight couples and life goes on. In fact, 50% of the marriages in the country break up. Guess why? Because they were mistakes or became mistakes. Human nature is never a perfect science or math. People change, they grow, and they grow apart. Life was meant to live, not to accept as a death sentence. When people feel they are dying in a marriage, they end it and move on. Why do we, as wives of gay men, feel the need to hang and cling onto something that wasn’t meant to be in the first place? Why do we have to have proof before we can justify leaving? Why can’t the proof be that you’re just not happy and getting what you deserve out of a marriage?

That brings me back to my first point. We are different. We are loving, caring, hurting women who will try to the end to make something that is broken work. We will linger and wilt in a ridiculous marriage rather than stand up and say, “I don’t want this anymore for myself because I deserve better.” That’s because so many of us feel for so long that we don’t deserve better.
A few closing thoughts:

Allow yourself to have a pity party when you need one. Life dealt you a hand that you never expected or wanted. You don’t have to be brave—give yourself permission to break down once in a while and cry. But then pick yourself up and keep moving ahead.
Most importantly, there is no timeline of gay husband recovery. This situation is not like any other situation where people get divorced. We are dealing with a myriad of issues that straight couples don’t deal with. You have the children and they are going to deal or accept it, the family, the friends, your co-workers, now having to support a family, financial woes, self-esteem issues, sexual esteem issues, trust issues—including trusting yourself—to deal with. You have to watch with your eyes or at least in your head about your husband loving a man—something that was unthinkable to you when it came to your husband—instead of you. In the beginning, you believe that every man you meet is a gay man. Every man is a suspect. After all, you couldn’t tell with your husband, how can you tell with someone else?

You may believe that you will never trust another man again, but we all think that in our early phases of recovery. Recovery takes time, and women who don’t allow themselves that time are doomed to make a mistake again. It doesn’t mean you’ll find another gay man, but you will find plenty of straight predators out there that are looking for vulnerable women like you after this happens. In our need to feel the love that’s been missing for so long, we often jump before we are ready. We compromise again. That’s why it’s not unusual to find women married for a second time in a marriage with a gay man after a marriage with an abusive man. Abuse could include drinking, drugging, sexual addiction, or gambling. When you’re at a low point, this is when you jump into something just to prove to yourself that you are worthy.

You have to get to know who you are again. You have to become strong so you don’t keep making the same mistake in a different form over and over. Learn to love yourself first. You can never truly love a man in the right way if you don’t learn to love yourself. You have to learn that your needs are just as important in a relationship as your man’s needs. Learn to speak up and assert yourself; if not, you’re doomed to find another wrong relationship. Realize you can be COMPLETE without a man. You shouldn’t need a man to make your life—you should want a man to complement your life.

Please be aware that we have read so many “happily after ever again” stories here from straight wives who found their real soulmates after thinking love was a part of their past that would never happen again. I’m one of many success stories, and I keep bragging about it. It’s been 15 years, 4 months and two weeks. We celebrate every month because to me, finding your soulmate is a celebration! After all this time, the passion and love are even stronger than ever! Go figure!

I will end this newsletter with the most profound statement that my dear friend, Viv from Ohio, stated in a recent chat session. These words were so moving that I wish I would have thought of them myself, but I didn’t. But guess what? I haven’t stopped thinking about them and using them since I heard them.

Viv, who was stuck in a very abusive marriage for 25 years but found her freedom couple of years ago, said she figured out:

“When you are living in a situation that you don’t understand and being mistreated, you are a victim. But once you know the truth and you continue to stay in it, you become a volunteer.”

Think about it!

With love to you all, Bonnie Kaye

JANUARY 2009 NEWSLETTER

2009-01-15T22:52:00.003-05:00

BISEXUALITY/GAY HUSBAND WAKE-UP CALL TO MY WOMEN
Allow me to wish a Happy New Year to my friends who read this newsletter faithfully. Almost all of the over 7,000 monthly readers on this list are looking for an escape route from their marriages or in the process of gay husband recovery after the marriage. Of course, there are some wonderful gay men who contribute to this letter as well and support our women in understanding the dynamics of this most unique and difficult situation.

In this newsletter, I would like to address those of you who may be living in the secrecy of your husbands’/ex-husbands’ closets about the world of reality. Some of you are still playing detectives trying to find “proof” that you’ll never find so you’ll always have self doubt. Some of you feel ashamed to think that you are doubtful of your husbands’ stories of “I know I’m gay even though I’ve never had a gay experience,” believing that they would never cheat on you during the course of marriage. These feelings of shame lead to your feeling guilty when the marriage ends, when in fact you have nothing to feel guilty about. Some of you still internalize that you were to blame that your husband chose men over you because you weren’t loving enough, supportive enough, attractive enough, thin enough, exciting enough, overbearing, over sexual, over demanding, overly critical etc. etc. etc.
So, now, to put things in a REAL perspective, I am going to share with you some recent letters from the bi/gay married men’s posting board. These were generously shared by one of our support group members in her research to accept her husband’s sexual behavior.

A lot of women can’t understand how their husbands can be gay if they were having sexual relationships with them. And some of our women swear to me the sex was great and satisfying to them. And guess what? I believe them. But as soon as their husbands crossed to the other side of their sexuality wanting a penis in any shape or form, and as soon as they started acting on it, they were having GAY sex. I tell women that gay men can perform sex with their wives. I’ve had gay men tell me they can enjoy sex with their wives, but they still wanted sex with a man. That means they wanted gay sex. Perhaps that’s the reason why they tried so much harder to have sex with their wives—so they could justify in their own minds that they are NOT GAY—they are BISEXUAL. As long as you can say you are Bisexual, there’s no need to have to admit that you are gay.

The straight wife provides a cloak of credibility for gay men who are caught in between two worlds. They need the safety and comfort of a wife and family, but they still want their men for sex. They don’t necessarily feel that one thing has anything to do with the other. As long as they are good providers, good fathers, and what they think are good husbands, they can live in their world of denial. It’s amazing what a gay man thinks being a good husband means. But the fact that they don’t understand doesn’t surprise me because they are not straight nor can they think the way a straight man thinks about a relationship with a woman.
They are doing the best they can do as a gay husband, but that’s not what we as straight women need. We don’t need our husbands fantasizing about men, wishing that we were men instead of women, pushing us to try all kinds of sexual behavior that is uncomfortable or repulsive to us to try to satisfy that need, or watching gay porno to get sexually stimulated in order to have sex with us. And in almost all cases where these “bisexual” men are having sex with their wives or girlfriends—it’s just that—having sex. It’s not making love with lust, desire, and passion. It’s “performing” their husbandly duty as the price they feel they have to pay to keep the marriage together.

This is not to say they don’t love us, because in most cases, they do. But it’s not the kind of love that can make a fulfilling marriage for either party. No marriage based on a lie can do that. There’s always a pull from the husband who has to keep covering up his tracks and trying to pretend to be someone who he is not. So now I’ll let you read some of these letters to put things in a perspective for you.
I have decided not to publish the email addresses of these men since these letters were not meant to be shared. However, if any of you believe you are married to any of these men, let me know and I will help you find out. I am leaving their first names in tack.

This session started with Craig posting a question at the end of December to members of the group.

Craig asked this question:

I have a question to those who have come out to their wives – whether on purpose, or through some unfortunate incident where stuff was accidentally revealed. My question is: Do you regret it???

I am considering coming out to my wife and leaving her for another man (I am 28, married for 7 years; and a 2 year old daughter) but want to know whether others have regretted their decisions.

Thanks guys.Here are just a few of the dozens of answers that were posted. I’ve italicized some of the main points, and I give my comments at the end.

From Jeff:

I feel exactly the same way as you, and I am currently working on separating from my wife (25 years). It is the perfect time for me. I will not reveal anything about my "gay" side until way after the divorce and time alone. I don't want this to be the reason for our divorce. The divorce will be a mutual decision, and a mutual break. My kids are adults and are both finishing up their college education (4th and 5th year).

I've had feelings and longings for men ever since I was a teenager (I'm now 48), but never acted upon them until 2 years ago. I've had affairs, I've had hook-ups, I've had a "regular" buddy for 8 months. I ache to continue the passion and the feelings that I get from a male-to-male relationship – something that I really never felt with a woman. However, I've also been responsible, raised my kids, supported my family, and done all those things that a "Man" is supposed to do. I'm tired of living someone else's idea of what my life is supposed to be. I believe that it is time for me to "discover who I am". And I'm going to take the time to discover that about myself. That may sound selfish, but it's what I need now. Will I ever be in a committed relationship again (with a man)? I don't know yet. While I'd like to think that I will, time will tell. I may really like being independent. Thanks for allowing me to share.

Comments: The selfish part is not that this man has to be honest and lead his life after 25 years of marriage. The selfish part is that he won’t tell his wife the reason for the end of the marriage, making her feel she has some responsibility for it ending. Gay men don’t always think that telling the truth is the way to go when the marriage is ending because it would only “confuse the issue.” Whatever.

From Ron:

I am currently in the process of separating from my wife. I have chosen not to come out of the closet as it will only hurt her and complicate things with my son and family and friends. Although I care about the well being of my wife and do love her on some level, I am now mature enough to realize that I seek passion from other outlets than just her.

I will not ever admit to any infidelity to her as I know she will use it against me. I know my wife and her insecurities and jealousies. Currently, we are in therapy and I'm trying to figure out a way to separate from her in a friendly manner.

I asked myself what's the advantage to coming out. For me, it would allow me to feel better about myself, and remove those feelings of guilt. I could not determine any advantage for my wife. It would only equip her with stuff to use against me.

I want to separate as I feel as if I've put myself in prison. I am tired of living the lies, and sneaking around on my wife. I want to be free to be with whomever I want, when I want. Living with my wife, I would not have that freedom. I could still call her for dinner on occasion, if the desire ever returns. Right now, I just feel the need to free myself and pursue the other interests that currently intrigue me.

I can't ever see coming out of the closet as it's really nobody's business. I also can't see getting married or even living with anyone again. I think I like being solo and having options available to me. Marriage is just not for me. I want to be a free agent and play the field.

Comments: His wife has insecurities and jealousies. Is it any wonder? He is cheating on her and yet blaming her for feeling insecure. And of course, why “complicate” things with the truth?
From Paul

I'm reading all these emails and am always amazed at what we all have in common. I have been married 36 years, have two grown children and have been attracted to men all my life. I had a three-night stand with a man about 9 years ago and ended up telling my wife in counseling that I was bisexual and had been with this man. She took it hard but we decided to stay together and I told her it wouldn't happen again. But, as most of you know, this feeling never goes away. We have had a rocky marriage for many years now and, in the process, a year-and-a-half ago, I met a man 23 years younger than me and we started seeing each other. We got caught walking together one night by my wife, after seeing him for about six months, and I told her I had fallen in love with him. I said I wouldn't see him again, but we couldn't give each other up and fell very much in love with each other. She now knows that we have continued seeing each other and my wife and I have talked about divorce. I am ready for it, but I don't really think she is. He has committed himself to me and I to him, so now we are trying to work out all the details of ending my marriage and starting together. By the way, this man has never dated or been with people his age. He has only been attracted to older men and feels more comfortable with them. He is faithful, committed and very loving and caring and wants to have a life with me as I do him. I am not sure how all this will play out but I also want a life with him. I have never loved or cared about anyone as I do him. It has just taken me many years to realize that this is what I need in my life. I will keep you posted as this plays out as to what happens, but I just feel like I need to have some years of happiness and being with someone who treats me like they actually love me. I haven't felt that from my wife for years and sexually, we are not together at all. I need that intimacy in my life and my friend gives me that plus a lot more. Keep me in your prayers that all will work out for the best for everyone. Ken

Comments: Once again, justifying the “rocky marriage” as the cause of the divorce and cheating, not the fact that he is gay. Wasn’t his wife also faithful, committed, and very loving and caring in spite of the fact that she knew about his cheating on her for years? And of course, he told her it would never happen again—just like some of your husbands.

From: Frank

Hi guys I am also new to the group. It is nice to know that I am not alone, because I feel really alone. I am 51 years old and have been married over 25 years. I only had one real "lover" who was my best friend through high school and a few years after. He moved away got married, then moved not too far away. I tried to re-establish my relationship with him, he freaked out, told his wife, and said he never wanted to hear from me again. I really think I could have been satisfied seeing him maybe 3 times a year, like staying the night together, having a heart to heart talk and getting f..ked by him, really think my life could have been complete like this.

I am not really the type for quick sex with someone I don't know. Just wish I could find somebody to love without leaving my wife. She does not know about my feelings. I am sure in my heart that she could never understand how I feel, or the fact that my feelings for guys have nothing to do with her. Our sons are older and gone now and I feel a lot of resentment toward my wife. Not really sure why, I don't think it is her fault. Feel like I am the maintenance man. I also work 6 days a week to support us, she does not work outside the home. The older I get the more I resent being the only wage earner in the family.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Comments: This man is lost. Semi-casual sex with a man could make him happy enough to stay in his marriage. Of course, his wife doesn’t have a clue about his feelings. He feels a lot of resentment towards his wife, but he refuses to admit it’s because he’s gay, and instead blames it on being the worker in the family.

From Tom

Man does this sound familiar. I am a 56, married white male who fought those inner desires for many, many years. Finally about 12 years ago I decided to act on those feelings and "get it out of my system". As they say, the rest is history. My wife and I also have not been intimate in 6 years
Comments: Does his wife have any clue why he is no longer intimate with him? Most likely, she feels there is something wrong with her from his sexual rejection.

From Chaz:

Thanks for allowing me to join the group! I am 54 years old, married to the same woman for 33+ years, with two grown children (both boys, and apparently both straight). Wife and I have had no sex for the last 4 years - she is no longer interested. I have had desires for men as early in life as I can remember. Married when I was 20 (two months away from 21) hoping that the desire for men would go away - it only subsided for a short time. I have been 'fairly' active with men all through my marriage, and now that there is no sex at home, my desires have only increased. My wife may suspect, I don't know...she did "sneak up" behind me one night when I was looking at gay porn on the Internet, and we went through a period of about two weeks of "hell", but we worked everything out and enjoyed a few more years of sex after that. Now most of my "sex life" consists of memberships in gay/bi video groups, and occasionally meeting with a male buddy of mine for some human touch and sexual release. The "guilt factor" is still somewhat there, but I have for the most part, learned to accept that "this is who I am, and this is the way I am". Once I accepted that, I felt a great weight had been lifted from me. Thanks for letting me join and introduce myself.

Comments: Here’s a man who was active with men throughout his marriage. And now he is blaming his lack of sex life on the fact that the wife is no longer interested after finding him with gay porno. Isn’t this typical of gay men who can’t take responsibility for the fact that their wives no longer want to have sex with them when they know? I’m sure in the two years of their continued sex life, she was working hard to try to distract him from those thoughts and was clueless to his acting on them constantly. Most likely she did know and didn’t want to continue living his farce.

By Anonymous:
…and talking about genital warts... I just had a few frozen off (liquid nitrogen done at a dermatologist) from my scrotum and the base of my penis.

So I have HPV in my body now. Whether I got it from the many encounters I had, or from my current lover (who claimed he had had very little encounters with men), I wouldn't know. That's the scary thing about HPV...

Have I told my lover? No... not yet. I really don't know how to, so I am just avoiding seeing him/having sex with him when my little scars are healing up.

I'm just praying hard that I had not passed it to my wife and to him and him to his wife. But, really, we will never know who got it first and from whom.

Our commitment to each other is we will stay exclusive to each other in our friendship. But damn, I have had a few flings. Safe stuff. But again...I "cheated", and whether I got HPV from those few flings or from other encounters before... I would never know.

Comments: This guy is ALL ABOUT HIM. Really—all about him. It’s nice that he threw in the afterthought that he hopes he didn’t pass this on to his wife and his lover’s wife. Nice guy, huh?

From Alan in the UK:

Where young children are involved, don't come out - stick with it! At 28 you still have a long life ahead of you. When they are grown up and should have flown the nest then see how the land lies.

In the experience I have just gone through, my 2 daughters are 28 and 26 and old enough to make up their own minds about what has happened. With a child of 2 it is a very different situation. I accept that children these days seem to accept such changes in their lives readily. Should we make them accept those changes at such a young age for our own selfish means? I use the word "selfish" carefully - with having been married 7 years and waiting (or being forced to wait) 5 years for a child is it not a little bit selfish to want a different life now. If you wait 10 to 15 years you will only be in your mid 40s and still acceptable / attractive to a lot of guys. She will then be 12 - 17 and much better equipped to face life with parents who are separated. I vote "No" to coming out and to divorce in your circumstances.
Hope this helps.
Alan

Comments: Of course Alan feels that “being honest” is not the route to go with young children—at least with his wife. And the good news is if Craig waits 10 to 15 years, he’ll still be attractive to a lot of guys which should encourage him to keep living his lie. And best of all, kids of 12 – 17 are better equipped to face life with parents who are separated. Where does the wife enter this picture at all? Oh, she’s just the caretaker of the family who can be easily disposed of in enough time to give Craig some still attractive years of his life to be with gay men.

Response from Brian A.:

I told my wife before we were married. That was a mistake. She will tell you she was glad I shared, but I sincerely think some things are better left unsaid. Forgive me if it sounds chauvinist, but I think women, regardless of age, still harbor fantasies of being swept up by manly men on white horses, and somehow dick s..king just doesn't figure into that picture.

I don't regret being bisexual or acting on it, but I do regret telling my wife.
Also women tend to share with friends or family when they're hurt. If you do tell, you need to be ready to have to explain your decision to whoever she decides to share your story with.
Just don't.

Comments: I’m not sure about the fantasies that women harbor, but I know the fantasy is not about her husband having sex with men. Even when women are “told” before marriage, they don’t understand. They believe their husbands made a choice—and the choice was them. As you can see, it is not.

For those who are concerned about the church men, here is a letter from Ken venting:

I had a one night stand (actually about 3 nights) about 8 1/2 years ago. He was a great guy and had a young son. We stayed in touch for about 5-6 months and that is when I came out to my wife. I told her about him as I wanted to be totally honest and up-front. What a huge mistake! Since I came out to her and told her about him and my other male-to-male relationships before and after marriage, she has use all that against me. Unfortunately, I am a pastor, which I am committed to, but she has threatened me many times to turn me in to the congregation and the bishop. Actually, I am leaving my church as they are going broke, so don't know what the future will bring me.

About a year and a half ago, I met a man online who is over 20 years younger than me and we have been seeing each other off and on for that time. Fortunately, for me, he only is attracted to men older than him. And he knows I have no money so that is not the attraction. He is a wonderful man and is caring, loving, protective, compassionate, sharing - all the things I would look for in a relationship, but haven't had in my marriage. Plus he is very masculine and good-looking which are not essential attributes, but certainly good ones.

My wife is aware of him and has made threats to me concerning him. Again, like turning me into the congregation or the hierarchy. But I am done with all that. We, at least I, have decided to divorce my wife rather than keep living a lie and living under her threats and conditions. She is constantly threatening me, name-calling, accusing me of things I have never done, etc. It has become a daily routine and one which I can no longer handle. So I am planning on getting a mediator to help us divide up what few assets we have left and to end this life of misery. I know divorce is not always right and I especially know that adultery is wrong, but I need to feel that my life is worth something and that I am not really the scum of the earth as I have been told. I hate hurting anyone, but I need to be happy in my life.

Comments: Isn’t his wife a nagging witch? She has some nerve threatening him just because he continues to cheat on her. And this is a man of God, right?

After the overwhelming flow of answers, of which I have reprinted only a handful, this was Craig’s decision on January 7, 2009:

Thanks. I'm overwhelmed by the majority of responses that tell me to stick with it. This speaks volumes to me - I feel so ill equipped to make such a decision at such an early stage in my life so sincerely appreciate the advice. I think maintaining the status quo is the best answer - but I still have to get over my emotional link with the guy involved, and so does he.

And so, here is another potential member of our group years down the line who has no idea what she is facing in her marriage in the years ahead.
Bottom line—these are the most selfish guys that I can ever imagine. They take no responsibility for the unhappiness or anger of their wives; rather than look inwardly, they look to place the blame everywhere else. They have no courage to take responsibility for their actions; rather they look to protect themselves rather than love their wives enough to be honest with them about their extracurricular activities.
For those of you who are still sitting on the fence wondering when you will find “proof” or the get the “truth” rather than denials from your husbands/ex-husbands, let this be a lesson to you.
There are dozens of online groups for married gay men. Any time you have any doubts about your own husband, start reading their posts and you’ll gain a sense of reality of what you are up against. These men all support each other with the same dishonest advice of keeping it a secret and never telling you. It is a conspiracy, for sure, that you will always face. Wake up and realize you can’t get a confession out of these men. Save yourselves so you don’t have to end up with an STD that will remind you for life of the mistake you made.

FROM THE MAILBAG:

Dear Bonnie,
I have a question for you...can you give me any tips on where I might find information about domestic violence suffered by women who are married to gay men? Or criminal activity perpetrated by gay husbands who fear being outted or whose lovers threaten to leave them if they don't come out?
Thanks, S.

Response: Although I don’t think this frequently happens, we have had reports in our support chat about several acts of violence. If you would like to address this, please send m your note for next month.

I always like to end on a happy note filled with hope for your futures. Here’s a lovely letter from one of our readers:

Hi Bonnie,
My 3 year marriage crumbled due to a gay husband and I divorced 3 years ago. It was a very difficult time for me. My life is not perfect now, but it is better than it was. I'm grateful to have a career, family and friends.
I re-started my career, did some traveling and met plenty of other people You only get one life that I know of. So, don't waste another minute being miserable with these gay men when you can choose to have better chance at life and happiness.
Good luck ladies!!!

That’s the best advice for all of you—be happy—and be free of living your husband’s lie!

With love and hope,
Bonnie Kaye

SOME THOUGHTS FOR THE NEW YEAR January, 2004

2004-01-02T07:26:00.000-05:00

SOME THOUGHTS FOR THE NEW YEAR

I want to wish a Happy New Year to all of my readers. I am soon going into my fourth year of this newsletter, and it’s amazing that over 5,000 people from around the world are reading my words each month looking for encouragement. It’s not easy to come up with new ideas month after month on this same topic or subject, but thankfully, something or someone always comes to the rescue with some inspirational thought.

This month, during one of my twice-weekly support chats, my dear friend Cindy really made me think about something that I want to share with you. Cindy is a wonderful woman with a child who lives in an unhappy marriage like so many of you. Cindy is not looking to make excuses for staying in her marriage—she is honestly caught between two points trying to get through the days so she can move ahead. I find that most of the women who are stuck in the muck are living with limbo men who won’t confess to their sexuality, or if they do drop a hint of honesty, quickly revoke it and try to make their wives think that they were hallucinating or as they often sling the word, “crazy.”

Cindy’s situation is typical of so many of the women that I counsel and advise. I see women drag on for years because they just don’t believe they can get out of their unfulfilling marriages. That’s why I’m always so happy to hear from those whom I threw a lifeline write to me saying that their lives are now saved and they are back in the land of sanity. The women, who found they were living in the valley of the shadow of death, somehow manage to muster up the strength when they least expect it and find themselves crossing over to the land of the living. Sometimes it happens quickly; other times it takes years. But eventually, those who want to leave find a way to leave.

I never make judgment on those who want to leave but can’t. No two women are the same, and no two situations are exactly the same. I am lucky because almost all of the women who come to me know that they can’t live forever in a mentally repulsive situation. They just need a lifeline to hang onto until the right moment comes.

This makes me think about Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy found herself in a strange land and did her best to adjust to the situation. She made some new friends in the Scarecrow, Lion, and Tin Man, growing quite fond of them through her travels. And yet, she knew that she was in a world that wasn’t hers. In spite of her status of hero for killing that wicked witch, she still wanted to go home. She found herself at the door of the Wizard asking him to send her home. After being promised that her wish would be granted after she killed the remaining wicked witch, she faced numerous dangers knowing that in the end, her efforts would set her free. Dorothy was so distraught when the Wizard pulled out in his balloon without her on board.

Then Glenda, the good witch appeared. She told Dorothy to stop crying because she could go home. All she had to do was click her red ruby shoes and say, “I want to go home…I want to go home.” You see, Dorothy had it in her own power to get there if only she wanted it enough. And all of you in pain have the same power. If you say it long enough and believe it, it can happen. It may take more than clicking your heels, but you have the inner strength to take yourself out of your space and move to a new place. Maybe it won’t be today, but maybe tomorrow. Or maybe it will be next week, month or year. The important thing is not to lose sight of where you want to be. Focus and plan, and you will get there.
Keep repeating Dorothy’s mantra with a slight modification. “I don’t want to be in this home…I don’t want to be in this home.” Happiness is out there waiting for you.

Another one of my support group members, Barbara, wrote me a letter last week. Barbara hasn’t been joining us lately because she feels very hopeless and depressed. When Barbara would chat with us, she knew she wasn’t happy, but she was not ready to leave because of financial reasons. Barbara struggled as a single parent for many years, raising children on her own. When she married her gay husband a number of years ago, she felt she finally had some financial security and something to offer her children if they needed her help. Although her kids are grown and have a life of their own, she felt that she wanted to be able to help them financially or leave something to them someday. That’s why she was hanging in.

When my grandmother was alive, she used to tell us that all of the money in the world couldn’t buy you health. Now in my early 50’s and always facing some health issue (all of which started at 50!) I understand only too well what she meant. I have seen the wealthiest of people struck down by terrible diseases. All of their money doesn’t change anything. It may make them more comfortable while they are going through their suffering by providing additional supports such as nursing care or not worrying about the bills, but it doesn’t provide a change in the condition.

Barbara’s letter reminded me of those wise words that my grandmother used to tell us. Having financial security can never compensate for mental health. So many women are staying in destructive marriages because they are afraid they can’t make it on their own financially. So they hang in popping anti-depressants to cope or just wake up feeling that life is horrible every day.

When Barbara would come to the support chat, all I told her that someday she’ll realize that no amount of money is worth living in a miserable situation. In the past few months, she is beginning to see this. The family finances have gone downhill, and now she’s realizing that the only thing she really has is life with an emotionally abusive husband. No amount of money is worth waking up every day and feeling depressed. Barbara will someday make the move to save her sanity for the years ahead. You see, she wouldn’t have even come to me for help if she were happy. Women who write to me know that something is wrong. Almost all of them know that life is in a terrible place and space, but it takes time to figure out how all of it happened and how to move ahead. I have faith in these women because they are not looking to find ways to make something unworkable work. For those who are desperate enough to try making something work that is unworkable, there are groups out there willing to give support.

Some women who write to me tell me that they found those groups before they were able to find me. They tell me how women in these groups call me “negative” or “angry.” I admit that their accusations are true. I am negative when it comes to condoning abnormal situations. And I am angry that women who are seeking sanity find these groups before me and have to spend more time wondering why they feel “abnormal” because they don’t want to stay in a marriage that is doomed like these other women.

The most important lesson I have learned in my life is that you can’t buy back time no matter how much money you have. Time is a precious. A recent presentation sent to me by my dear friend, Vince, put it in such a wonderful perspective. I have sent each of you this link in this newsletter email to remind you just how precious time really is. I hope it moves you the way it did me.

This is a new year. This is a time for many of you to renew your journey to freedom. I will be there for you every step of the way. Never feel you are alone in this mess. I am there—and I care. Write to me anytime you need comfort or support. A new life free of the struggles you are living daily is within your reach. Start clicking those slippers!

HAPPILY EVER AFTER STORIES TO INSPIRE YOU

Last month, I asked my readers if they could send in some inspirational stories of how life can be after divorce from a gay husband. I always try to inspire you with the stories of my soulmate of ten years. And yes, our anniversary was wonderful! But in case you are thinking that it’s just me…well, it’s not! Two of my friends whom I met in my support chat were willing to share their stories with you too. Both Gretchen and Becky were kind enough to share their lives in my recently released book, “Doomed Grooms: Gay Husbands of Straight Wives.” Now, two years after their original words, their stories will hopefully show you that there is a “beautiful life” out there when you take the chance and go for it. Enjoy!

Robin Grisel’s story

There are still mornings that I wake up and listen to the snoring beside me and my eyes fill with tears of gratitude that the man beside me is really, really there. This man is now my husband and there is love there that I can depend on, that I don’t have to doubt and wonder and second-guess. This is what marriage is supposed to be, this is what an adult relationship is all about. I am as happy as I’ve ever been in my life.

Of course, about three years ago, if you had made a prediction that this would be my life now, I’d have asked what you were smoking! Three years ago, I was married to a gay man, a man who didn’t want to face the truth and used me as a convenient outlet to relieve his frustrations and anger. At that time, I believed the cruel things he said about me and did to me, almost believed I didn’t deserve love and sex and respect.

Then I met John. It was a casual encounter during a business trip, and I was certainly not seeking an affair. We got to know each other over the Internet because he lived quite far away, at first corresponding about sports, then becoming more personal. He was going through a divorce at the time and I gradually described more of my marital difficulties to him. He was actually the first one to gently suggest that maybe my husband was unsure of his sexual identity. John’s uncanny ability to analyze the situation without even knowing the people involved was a godsend. He started me on the difficult, but necessary and ultimately rewarding road of ending my marriage – for my own good, not to take advantage of me in all my vulnerability (really!)

Once we were both emotionally (and almost legally) free of our spouses, we realized there was a quite a bond between us. We visited each other a few times and it became clear we were meant to be together. Because I have primary custody of my two young children, John moved 1,800 miles to my city so we could be together. We were married in February, 2003, just the two of us, on a snowy afternoon in the Rocky Mountains. The honeymoon is far from over – I can’t believe how wonderful sex is with a loving, heterosexual man!

I can’t stress enough to all the women out there that there is someone out there for you! If I could find someone, you can too! I’m no beauty, believe me – I’m overweight, mid-40s, two young children – a great catch! You must remember, though, that inner beauty shines through above all, for the man perceptive enough to see it. I think the Internet is great way to start (three years ago, I would have said Internet dating was for losers and freaks!) because you can get to know someone from the inside out and can avoid misleading first impressions. Beside, where can older women with children go to meet guys these days? Bars? Even church? Been there, done that. Take chances, but don’t compromise in the long run. Your spirit may be a little bruised, but it’s still there, just waiting to be revived. Fairy tales are real. Your time will come, if you don’t give up!

Robin Grisel
West Cost

Becky’s story

Thank you for sharing your story of inspiration of hope for life and love post-"life married to a gay man". It is wonderful to hear of the happiness you have in your life. We all just want to feel loved and know that what we give out in a relationship we are getting back from that person. That is what most of us didn't get in our relationships with our gay husbands, or we didn't realize what we were supposed to be even getting back from that relationship. Since we are all such giving people we don't demand the same in return from the relationships we are in. So in many cases we don't realize what we are missing because we don't know any better. The thought of being genuinely loved in a relationship let alone respected is an unknown to most of us. So I am SO glad to hear you describe the relationship you have found and most importantly the comfort you feel because of it.

In your last newsletter you asked for people to write you and talk about a new relationship and hope for a different future. First, I think it is really important to bring up that I spent several years getting to know how to like myself and get used to knowing that I was a good person who deserved the same back out of a relationship. I guess I realized I had to get over my last relationship and learn to make myself my priority. I couldn't get into another relationship until I was through the demons of the first, I really didn't even think I wanted to either. I realized that I couldn't be a good mother without taking care of me first. Even if that was just 30 minutes of "me" time in my day enjoying a bubble bath or doing for me first. I learned to like myself all over again or even better than I ever had. I realized that no one else would care or respect me if I didn't respect myself. I didn't want to teach my children that they had to be second best, that they had to take better care of the world around them then they did themselves. I had asked a therapist I was seeing, "how do I make sure my children don't grow up stuffing their feelings and not being able to stand up for themselves?" She responded, "by having a mother who doesn't do those things to learn from!" Gee...........hmmm..........what a thought! So for several years I did that, learned about me, focused on me and my children. Had a life outside of the one I had with my ex. Made new friends and moved forward. Usually I am a better listener instead of talking about myself so forgive me if I talk in circles some.

I guess I fall into that category of finding myself in a new relationship after being married to a gay man. It is something I didn't necessarily consciously go out and look for. I guess that old saying that you find love when your NOT looking for it may exactly describe my situation. Almost 2 years ago, I got to know a man who lived over 600 miles away from where my children and I lived. My ex husband had moved 1000 miles away 5 years prior and I didn't live near any family or former in laws. This relationship grew very quickly just talking over the phone and via computer. The computer is actually the means in which we met. Bill and I actually feel like because we didn't have the outside distractions when people date in person, we got to know each other quicker and more in depth. Instead of sitting in a movie theater and not really communicating or being surrounded by the company of others and not being able to get to know each other that is ALL we had...talking and getting to know each other and what we liked and didn't liked and what we wanted and didn't want out of life.

I never really spent much time on the computer before until about 3 1/2 years ago when I first started finding information about being married to a gay man. I met Bonnie and found the AOL message support board for straight spouses. Those are the first situations in which I ever even participated in an on line chat situation. Talking via the computer to people I couldn't see and feel comfortable doing so took a while to get used to. Then I found myself on Friday and Saturday evenings, after my children had gone to bed, browsing through the computer and visiting different topic chat rooms and going in and just "listening" to people talk and watching them interact. I found it interesting and started interacting with people. I became more comfortable and started to see myself begin to trust some of the people I "met". I started emailing some of the people I met, women and men. Some of them were in rooms with topics of parenting, divorce, and Christian.

Looking back, I guess I started to learn how to trust some and who not to trust. Then about 22 months ago I met a man who I corresponded with, began to start to visit with on the phone then we decided after much thought to meet in person. It really was amazing how comfortable I felt talking to this man and how much he shared with me. We also felt we had an amazing amount of things in common and common experiences in life. In my past I wasn't one who did things spontaneously and this time I did and felt VERY comfortable doing so. It was a very freeing feeling. I guess for once I wasn't the one doing what was predictable for me. I stepped out of what would have been my comfort zone. I had never trusted my gut before so much. I found myself opening up and talking about things, I really NEVER could with my ex, within a couple of months of knowing Bill. I felt comfortable setting boundaries with him and you know what, he didn't blow up and get angry. He listened, took in the information and then respectfully told me how he felt about it.

It was so wonderful having honest, open communication with a man I began to feel deeply about. He and I had VERY common feelings and opinions about family, relationships, work and the future. Being involved in his children’s life and being a father was important to him and he included my children in his thoughts about the future. We laughed, shared, and had serious times that grew and seemed like we had known each other much longer than we had. Yes, having a physical relationship was wonderful and everything it was supposed to be, mentally AND physically. Soon it seemed unreal to be discussing combining our lives and how we would do that.

Through it all, my children and the effect it would have on them was of utmost importance to him. He thought of things I never even thought of. My children got to know of him and when we started to let them talk on the phone. We didn't involve them until we knew it was a relationship that would be long term. He was able to have more of a conversation and soon relationship then even their father did. My children really enjoyed him and my daughter soon even brought up how she saw me react to my conversations with him, she said, "he makes you laugh, so I know I like him". Gee, out of the mouths of babes.

Last summer, after MONTHS of planning, I sold my house, moved my children, pets and myself 600 miles to combine families and lives with Bill. We are planning on getting married later spring or early summer. It has been interesting and everything we expected it would be. It's not that their haven't been bumps in the road but we have met them head on together. I REALLY feel and know that he respects and loves me and I know EXACTLY how he feels, and I am able to trust myself and my feelings. I love him and that the fact that I important to him and what I think and feel is important to him. It has seemed unreal to go with my gut and trust myself.

Some of my family and friends have worried that I was doing something too risky, but I felt I would regret it if I didn't trust Bill and myself. I knew that if Bill wanted to hide something he could, but heck someone I met at church, at the grocery store or through friends could keep things from me, be dishonest or not be who they made themselves out to be. Heck, it seemed that 17 years before I met someone who wasn't what I thought he was either. This relationship has turned out to be exactly what I and we thought it would be, exactly what it has been through the long distance miles. We have fun, share lots of time and love (good and bad), learning to combine our lives and families as we go along.

I am glad I learned to know me, like me and take care of ME. I am glad I trusted myself and my feelings. I trust Bill and the love we have for each other. I know he will be there and that he WANTS to be there for me.

Bonnie, I want everyone to know that there IS life after being married to a gay man. I think I was able to see that and know that even before I met Bill, he is just the icing on the cake!! One day, one moment at a time. A saying I love says it well, "love life and live it to it's fullest".

Thank you for all you do for everyone!
Love you,
Becky

And thank you, Gretchen and Becky. And to all of my readers, I wish you a Happy New Year. Tammy, this past year was YOUR year. Connie, it was also YOUR year. Holly, it was YOUR year as well. Debra, this year will be your year. Maybe this will be the year for you. When it happens, share your story with others who need hope and happy endings.

Love and hope,
Bonnie Kaye

December, 2003

2003-12-02T20:03:00.000-05:00

ACT 2: SCENE 3

Quite frequently, women write to me about their lack of viable skills when it comes to securing a job so they can gain financial independence. I always look for transferable skills that would be a good match such as caretaker, nurse, detective, etc. How did I miss the most obvious one, namely—ACTRESS?

Every holiday season, wives of gay men have to play their Oscar award-winning role of “Happy Wife” in front of crowds of hundreds. Of course, there is no golden statue at the end of the season like their movie counterparts, but no doubt, the performances are just as extraordinary. And the holiday season is not the yearly birthday, anniversary, or Easter. The HOLIDAY SEASON is a long stretch that starts at Thanksgiving and continues until Valentine’s Day. Between those two points, we begin the family and love ordeal. Thanksgiving is the beginning, followed by Christmas, New Year’s, and finally ending on Valentine’s Day in February. We are so relieved to have the President’s Birthday as a holiday in February because by then, all of our emotional horror of the holiday season is over. Imagine thinking that Washington and Lincoln can actually neutralize and balance out life because after three months of families celebrating family unity and love, we no longer have to cringe when we hear the word, “holiday.” The touchy-feely ones are over, and once again, we have not been touched or felt, and in fact, most of us have been living with a Novocain kind of numbness so that we can protect ourselves from crying at any given moment because we are HURTING.

The Holiday Season is such a difficult time for straight wives because it is an up front in your face reminder of what life was supposed to be like but never became. Or if it was, it’s over after years because homosexuality has joined into your previously happy union or what you were hoping would be your happy union. It’s almost like having Scrooge find his way into your husband’s body and head. When you want a display of affection and emotion, he’s saying, “Bah, Humbug.” To this I say, “Ho, ho, no, no more.”

You see, even though you may be feeling the pain of this holiday season, it could be your last year to suffer this way. Believe it or not, you can make it your New Year’s resolution to be FREE by next year. Free of the pressures and strain of living a lie. Free of the constant questioning of what can you do to make life better with a man who wants a man to make his life better. Free of the mental torture from the mind games your husband plays so well with you, trying to make you start believing that you are losing your mind and it’s just your imagination running away with you while he’s running around with men. Free of earning your professional detective license while snooping around in a relationship that is supposed to be based on honesty and truth. Free to go to bed at night and feel good about waking up in the morning. Why? Because waking up alone and having peace of mind is always better than waking up next to someone who really doesn’t want to be with you and is making you miserable because he feels that you are “trapping” him.

You see, way beyond this being a holiday season of family and love, it is a holiday season of hope. A time to make resolutions that will help you become healthy and happy. Now I know people hate clichés, but this one really catches the essence of the holiday—namely, “HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.” This little ditty kind of coincides with my own personal philosophy; namely, each new day offers the opportunity of waking up and changing your life. I believe it. I actually did it, and I never look back and regret it. My marriage was doomed. I could have spent 10, 15, or 25 more years of wasting my life with a man who could only make me miserable. But a little bird in my head that became a choir of canaries singing to me, “Don’t Do It.” Don’t give up one more year of precious time to a debilitating situation.”

Look, I know that there are women who are now free who are reading my newsletter. You write to me all the time. I’d appreciate it if you could write to share your new life with my other readers who are still trapped to give them hope. Hope for the New Year. Hope for a new life. Hope for happiness. Hope for sanity. I will publish some of your letters in my upcoming newsletters with your permission. Please write to me!

ON A HOPEFUL NOTE – HAPPY 10 YEARS TO ME!!!

If you’ve read my newsletters, you’ve read about my soulmate. We will celebrate 10 years together on January 5. Ten years—wow. Who could ever believe that I could find a man who would hold my attention for more than 10 minutes, and now it’s 10 years. A decade.

To me, this represents more than just a decade of togetherness. This has been an entire decade of learning how to communicate with someone who still excites me every time he touches me. This is a decade of a man who loves to touch me, even though I’ve entered into middle age with middle bulges throughout my body. And yet, he has never, ever, ever, made me feel that I was less than beautiful and desirable, even though I have gained more than an average of 5 pounds during each of these 10 years. He loves me. He makes me feel as if I were 100 pounds lighter than I am and worthy of being loved.

After 10 years, I am more in love with him now than ever. And yes, there is a difference between being in love and loving someone. I am both. I need to be in love in order to wake up feeling good every day. But loving him helps us make it through times that aren’t perfect or when there is strain due to external circumstances.

My soulmate often asks me why I love him so much. He can’t understand it. In the early part of our relationship he was even “embarrassed” when I kept telling him that I loved him. He’s more than 11 years older than me. He just couldn’t get it. And quite frankly, I wasn’t quite sure myself what compelled me to go after him with every ounce of energy I had, because he was not in a relationship mode or looking for one. In fact, it took me nearly 16 months of relentless pursuit to make him mine. And then, after trying every little trick in my book to get him hooked, he grabbed the line. There was no turning back.

Over the years, we have had some rough times. It took time for both of us to understand each other. He never had a relationship that required so much emotional work. I was coming into a relationship that would need a lot of nurturing to try to reverse my own sense of insecurity due to my past failures. I like to think of myself as low maintenance, just needing some quality time and a few loving words. It took a number of years before he could meet my needs, but I refused to quit. We worked our way through many obstacle courses that often seemed to be blocking our way It was similar to those old Johnny Mercer lyrics from the song, Something’s Gotta Give, that state:

When an irresistible force such as you

Meets and old immovable object like me

You can bet as sure as you live

Something's gotta give, something's gotta give,Something's gotta give.

I was the irresistible force, he was the immovable object. And yet, my heart told me that all the potential for my ultimate happiness was with this man. He was my soulmate who needed me as much as I needed him. And after lots of hard work on my part—the hardest part being not giving up knowing the potential was there—everything started moving in my direction. My continued show of unconditional love produced a reversal of heart and created unconditional love from the man I love. After a number of years, he learned how to meet my emotional needs in a meaningful way. He learned how to make me feel secure and loved. There is a deep sense of commitment there on his part, and he knows how to express it in a way that makes me know he loves me.

I guess this is the most important lesson that I want to share with you. There is a difference between putting time and effort into a relationship that can work versus one that won’t work. While I spent the last 10 years building a relationship of mutual love, passion, and intimacy with a man who could return it, many of you spent this past decade with your gay husbands only to find out that you are putting time into a losing cause. All of you have tried just as hard or harder than I to change the “immovable objects” you are married to, but all that happens is that they move further away from you physically, emotionally, sexually. When you are married to a gay man, there’s no way to move closer because he is always two feet in front of you and running faster. You can never catch up. Unfortunately, those of you who are married to Limbo Men or Straight/Gay Men never get enough physical space between you. They will never leave more than a two-foot space when they need to leave all together. They will stay and torture you for decades to come.

I don’t know why some women in general feel the need to “change” men who have no desire to be changed, whether they straight or gay. I know this may sound selfish, but I don’t like to stay a suffering servant for too long. I believe in the philosophy of “cut your losses,” and I have a good track record of doing that. I’m not waiting to die to get to heaven. I want a piece of it here. And I’ve been blessed to find it with the man who is my soulmate.

So, Happy Anniversary, my love. Thank you for making me believe in myself, believe in us, believe in love, and to not only dream the impossible dream, but to live it while loving it. Every one of you deserves to be this lucky and this happy. Don’t give up no matter how impossible you think it is. Good things do happen to good people—you just have to be the master of your own destiny.

LIMBO WOMEN November, 2003

2003-11-02T19:47:00.000-05:00

LIMBO WOMEN

All of you who have read either my newsletters or most recent book, “Gay Husbands/Straight Wives: A Mutation of Life,” know that I have written about a phrase I coined, “Limbo Men.” Limbo Men are those gay husbands who are caught in between two worlds—neither straight nor gay. They are psychologically straight (at least they think they are) and physically gay. They go through life lying to you, their family, their friends, and most of all, themselves. They don’t have the courage to leave the secure straight world and walk into the world that they belong in. They rather just hang out in straight man’s land passing through and pretending. Grrrrr…….rrrr. (Sound of a loud growl) It makes me angry.

The reason for my being pissed off is simple. Limbo men create a whole new category of straight wives—namely, LIMBO WOMEN. Limbo Women are the wives of Limbo Men who are stuck wasting years of their lives in unsatisfying marriages because they can never quite get the truth out of their husbands. They know that something is wrong. They know that their marriages are lacking the ingredients for success—namely communication, passion, and intimacy. They have loads of little clues that all add up to homosexuality, and yet, because they can’t get a full confession—or even a partial confession—they are trapped.

By the time a wife of a Limbo Man gives a confession, it’s usually a partial, such as:

1. I’m not gay, but I like looking at gay pornography as part of a full pornographic fantasy show.
2. I’m not gay, but when I was younger, I had an uncle who molested me on a few occasions.
3. I’m not gay, but sometimes I call gay sex lines because the way they talk stimulates me sexually.
4. I’m not gay, but when I was younger, before I met you, I had a one-time sexual encounter with a man, but I only let him perform oral sex on me.
5. I’m not gay, but there are times I think that I am bisexual because I look at guys and find them sexually appealing. I would never act on it though.
6. I’m not gay, but sometimes the thought of anal penetration turns me on.
7. I’m not gay, but when I was in college, we would all get stoned/drunk and have big orgies where everyone was having sex with everyone.
8. I’m not gay, but I have a fantasy about both of us having sex with another man.

The sad part is that each one of these partial confessions always starts the same way: I’M NOT GAY, BUT…. And now the wife is more trapped than ever. How can they break up a marriage just on their own perceptions based on partial truths?

I have wives that write to me about the extensive research they do on human sexuality. They are looking for my stamp of endorsement for their discoveries that their husbands aren’t gay, just sexually “different” or “deviant.” It seems if they can get my professional opinion that their situation is not like the thousands of others that I have worked with, they can learn to cope in their marriages and accept that life isn’t always a bowl of cherries. On the other hand, it’s not always a bowl of pits either. It’s actually a bowl of half eaten cherries with the pits still in tact—sometimes, anyway.

These women struggle more than those of us who are given our walking papers or as I like to call it, “freedom.” Those of us riding the freedom trail may be hurting for a while, but eventually we can lick our wounds and start life over. We don’t have the shackles of homosexuality tying us to a husband who just won’t be honest with us or in many cases, himself.

Limbo Women have the lowest self-esteem of all of us because they do personalize that the lack of love that their husbands can show them sexually is because of their failings. After they’ve exhausted every trick known to womankind without any success or movement, they admit defeat. Nothing they do makes it change. No diet, no breast implant, no sexy clothes, no new hair style, no new approaches to sexual satisfaction is going to move their husbands into the straight zone. Eventually, they admit defeat, but still don’t understand why everything they try is not working on anything in their relationship.

Some of these wives cope by developing their own “on-the-sides” personal lives. They meet some straight man on the Internet who can boost their self-esteem by telling them all the things their husbands should be saying but don’t say. Sometimes these Internet affairs are lifesavers when women start giving up hope on themselves. Some of these wives cope by finding real-life affairs, going outside the boundaries of their morals, religious beliefs, and vows, making them feel better on one end, but worse on the other. And still other women cope by popping pills that numb their minds and lower their libido just so they can keep living in the state of limbo.

And so life just keeps moving along, day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, and year-by-year. Limbo Women attend family holidays, friend events like birthdays and anniversaries, and office Christmas parties of their Limbo Husbands. They stand like a trophy next to a man who needs a wife to show off to prove to the world that “I AM NOT GAY. HERE IS MY PROOF.” The Limbo Wife allays the suspicions that everyone else has about the Limbo Man. It confuses the public at large who thinks it is able to identify people of a different sexual orientation because gay men don’t get married? Right? Or even if they do, they don’t stay married, right? Wrong.

Limbo Men stay married as long as their wives stay in limbo with them. Limbo Women are willing to fine tune their brains not to think about what they don’t have. Rather, they try to focus on what the do have:

1. I have a nice home.
2. I have beautiful children.
3. I have friendly neighbors.
4. I have good in-laws who don’t find too much fault with me (namely because you’re covering up the family secret for them.)
5. I have a companion when I go on vacations.
6. I have a good friend.
7. I have a good friendship.
8. I have a husband who won’t leave.

That’s right, Limbo Woman, he won’t leave. He’s going to be by your side forever and ever because a Limbo Man doesn’t leave. If he leaves, that means he might be dealing with whom he really is and what he does on the side might become front and center. This would upset the balance in his life and throw him out of the sphere of being emotionally straight. And that’s a scary world that he just doesn’t want to have to face. Life as a Limbo Man is too easy for him. It’s also safe and secure.

Want to know something funny? Limbo Men think that their Limbo Wives know the truth—at least on some level. They think that all of the little clues that they have been confronted on prove that you know the truth somewhere in their Limbo Minds. And believe it or not, they feel that for this reason, you accept who they are. You can accept their little dalliances and dibs into that foreign world that neither of you really want to talk about. They think that your avoidance of the subject after a while is a form of acceptance. They don’t see you running anywhere, and they also see you accepting that marriage can be built on friendship. You’ve given them the biggest gift of all—the end of sexual pressure. You’ve learned how to live with them in Sexual Limbo—or abstinence. Your Limbo Libido has gone off into the distance—either with someone else or out the door or body. Whatever. He breathes a big sigh of relief. You are now the perfect wife.

Of course, you’re not really the perfect wife. He still finds fault with you because you are a woman. And he is a gay man in disguise. It’s never quite the right chemistry. He’s never really happy living in between two worlds. He’s comfortable, but never really happy. And he’ll find ways to blame you for his unhappiness. It will be little things that make you feel stupid. After all, he thinks you’re stupid. He thinks you know he’s gay and you’re willing to live with it. How smart could you be?

And so the years will pass. Your best years will pass in front of your eyes. Yes, the best years—those years where you could have been living a life without deceit, contempt, and sexual rejection. And before you know it, you’ll look around and realize that you can’t get back what you have lost. You’ll never know how far you could have gone in life because you never had a cheering team cheering you on. You will never be inspired to write poems that have love and hope, but rather your poetry talks of sadness and loneliness. I suppose there is a market out there for poetry of the forlorn. Someone may be smart enough to publish a book on “Poetry for the Limbo Woman.” It’s sure to sell a million.

And so, my dear Limbo Women, my heart does go out to you. I feel as if you are walking in the valley of No Zone. Not quite here, not quite there. But the good news is that you can move into another time zone. You can join the freedom trail and look at life as a new adventure, just waiting for you. You can make a decision that you’ve had enough of Limbo Land and want to spend whatever remaining years you have finding yourself and a new sense of enjoyment. You can learn that life can be like a romantic comedy. You can laugh and love again no matter how old you are. Romance is never an age—it’s a state of mind. And even though living with your Limbo man has dulled yours, you can still take your life back and live it the way you want to. You may not win the battle, but you can definitely win the war.

MAILBAG

Dear Bonnie,

Your most recent newsletter rang true to my situation. You may use my letter and first name if you wish.

Looking back, my 30-year relationship seemed to be lacking. I knew something was wrong but was afraid of the truth and my partner was a master at deceit. In the last 6 months, I've learned he's been having sex with men. He says it's only been during the last year but I wonder if that's true. I saw an increase in our sexual activity during the last 4-5 years and became very comfortable and contented and thought the increased frequency meant commitment. Wrong! I'm learning now that it was probably a result of his encounters with men or Internet activity. Even though he says he's bisexual, I believe he prefers men. I don't understand desiring both sexes. I've tried and end up feeling angry and inadequate. Don't let sex fool you. You could just be the "release" as my counselor suggests and this is not a happy fulfilling situation.

Faye

The next letter may help those of you who are still having trouble finding out the computer activity. Spy software can capture all activity going on with your computer from emails to websites.

THIS SITE IS THE BEST!!!!

Bonnie,

Just thought I’d let you know that I caught him! He still denies, but I know. I bought Spectorsoft, a recording program and saw what he was looking at on our computer. He says he was just curious, blah, blah, blah, but I know. Suspicions are confirmedin my eyes. You can mention to your readers that the program, while expensive ($99.00) was well worth it. If it weren’t for it, I still wouldn’t know.I appreciate your support and continue to enjoy your newsletters.While I am still in my marriage and house, I won’t be for long. It’s time to move on…Thanks!
Sandy

Hugs,
Bonnie Kaye

SEXUAL FREQUENCY SURVEY, October, 2003

2003-10-02T17:15:00.000-04:00

SEXUAL FREQUENCY SURVEY

I am the first to admit that I don’t know everything. Or rather, let me say, I don’t know or understand a lot of things when it comes to male “out of the norm” sexuality. I wish I did because it would make life so much simpler for all of us. I receive letters daily seeking advice with some of the toughest questions: Here’s a sample:

Is my husband gay if he says he thinks he is but he has never acted on his homosexuality? How does he know he’ll like it?

1. Is my husband gay if he still has sex with me after 20 years?
2. Is my husband gay if he only looks at gay porno?
3. Isn’t it true that men who were molested in childhood act out through homosexual acts when they are older?
4. Is my husband gay if he has gay fantasies but swears he will never act on them?
5. Is my husband gay just because he had one meaningless encounter with a man 10 years ago?
6. My husband has oral sex with me. Doesn’t that prove he’s not gay?
7. My husband says he would like to have a three-some with him, me, and another man. He also wants to have sex with the other man. Does this make him gay or just kinky?
8. My husband wants to have sex with me, but only from behind me. He also wants me to insert a vibrator or dildo into his anal area. Does this make him gay? He says that the thought of sex with men is disgusting.

Now, if I had heard any of these stories, once, twice, or three times, I might think that there are some oddities here. But I hear them often. And boy, are we confused.

So here’s my overall answer—BEATS ME. Yep, I’m the first to admit that I just don’t understand it all. And guess what? I DON’T WANT TO UNDERSTAND IT ALL. It seems much too complicated for me to analyze and pick apart. It would probably take me years to look for the psychological reasoning of each man’s sexual differences.

I can give you the standard gay theory that sexuality is on a continuum. Some people are totally heterosexual, and other people are totally gay. But many are somewhere in between the two ends. So where does that leave us? With a world filled with men who are sorta-kinda gay but not really? I don’t think so.

I’ve been attacked by groups of “Bisexual” men who claim that I see things in terms of black and white when there are many shades of gray. Okay, I’m guilty of that accusation. But let me tell you why.

Even if a man is capable of having sexual encounters with a woman, I have issues with being with a man who is thinking of men, fantasizing about men, viewing gay porno, and finding himself in gay chatrooms for sexual stimulation. It makes me uncomfortable. I would always have to wonder if he is turned on by me or by fantasizing about men when he is with me just so he can sexually perform. I would think about that during every sexual encounter, taking away the possible pleasure even if there could be pleasure.

One of the problems that so many women face is that lack of admission by their husbands about homosexuality. These men claim that they are straight, regardless of the fact that they are into gay porno, videos, chatrooms, etc. When their wives bring up the subject of possible homosexuality, their husbands go into tirades calling their wives crazy, delusional, and paranoid. All this does is further diminish any sense of self-trust a woman has. She starts questioning over and over in her mind if she is imagining something that isn’t there. The truth is, women who have straight husbands never have to spend time thinking about this issue.

But then again, what is gay? There is a gay writer, Matt Pearcy, who will soon publish his book of interviews with gay men who were married and their struggle in coming out. To quote his last newsletter, “In my discussions with gay or bisexual married (or formerly married) men I hear them say they don’t want to be labeled. They feel that using the terms gay or bi or not-straight is too limiting.” He goes on to discuss reasons why men who sleep with men don’t want to be labeled. He also states that it your not behavior that determines what a man is, but rather how he identifies himself. Thus, if a man has sex with another man, but identifies himself as straight, well, then, he is straight. He claims that identity is more than how you behave, it’s how you feel about yourself.

Now, Matt’s a great guy. He’s a great “gay” guy. Matt has no confusion about his identity. He has never had the need to marry a woman to identify himself as straight. He has known what he is for many years and has come to terms with his homosexuality. Matt also tries hard to understand the thinking of men who marry straight women, and sincerely wants to share those experiences with other gay men. Matt himself has never married. And although this doesn’t negate his ability to write about this subject, it may cause his opinions to be too one sided to understand the emotional pain that women go through in their lives when trying to unravel this puzzle

I don’t believe that Matt is advocating this position, but rather just writing about it based on the responses that he has obtained from interviewing gay married men who like to identify themselves as straight rather than accept or admit to their homosexual behavior. And I’ve written so to tell him that. I believe that coming to terms with the homosexual identity can be the most difficult step in life which is why I tip my hat to those men who do so and are honest with their wives. Yes, it hurts like hell when you tell her, but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as those men who will never come forth with the truth.

What constitutes homosexuality? Can it only be identified as those men who have decided that they are no longer sexually performing and emotionally involved with a woman? I think not. I know of gay men who still want to bed their wives years after they have homosexual relationships with men. Gay men run the gamut in their sexual desires. My dear friend Becky will tell you how her husband had sex with her on a frequent basis up until the end of their marriage when he left for a man. More amazingly, now five years later, and still with his male friend, he still approaches her for sex whenever he visits the children. Does that make him not gay? I think not again!

We are confused, for sure. What is gay anyway? What happens when you have no proof? And what is proof? Most women think that proof is a full confession smattered with details or finding something so totally concrete like walking in on their husbands having sex with a man. Chances are, in most cases, neither one is going to happen. Then you just have to go on gut instinct because there is nothing else to go on.

Women with straight husbands don’t think of gay as the reason for their husbands’ alienation or lack of affection. They think that their husbands are having affairs—with women. For a woman to take it to the next step and start thinking that it’s a possibility of “homosexuality” means that there has to be some evidence, either conscious or subconscious, that the wife is encountering. This is why I tell women to “Trust Tour Instincts.” Yep, I tell them that because these instincts come from somewhere—and not from nowhere.

And so, my readers, help me out here. Please reply to this situation with your own stories that I can reprint with either your first name or anonymously. If you are a woman whose husband is still having sex with you and you know that he’s also desiring men, speak up so that others can understand that gay doesn’t necessarily mean MEN ONLY. It means MEN preferably, but not necessarily ONLY.

The real bottom line is—CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT. BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS. If your husband is aroused by or having sex with men, is this something you can live with? Is this something you want to live with? And chances are if he’s wanting a man on any level—including fantasy—it’s taking its toll on your self-esteem.

By the way, one of my online support group members, Trina, recently made a statement that really stuck with me. It was so simple, and yet it said it all. She told me that she was going to rent some romantic videos for the evening to see how straight men act. As innocent as Trina meant this statement to be is as powerful as it really is. I think this is probably one of the best ways to get some reality in check. Compare the actions of your husband to those of a man in love with a woman in a movie. Trust me, he’s not thinking about men when he’s kissing the leading lady. If you can’t be a leading lady in your relationship, then you are cheating yourself out of your right as a woman.

Love, Bonnie Kaye

From the Mail Bag September, 2003

2003-09-01T17:08:00.000-04:00

FROM THE MAIL BAG

Bonnie,
I read with interest your newsletter on anti-depressants. Let me give you my story about to go and I (we were not married, had, however, lived together for several years - we both have children, but not with each other - my child is grown, his are with his ex wife):It was during the time that I knew "something" was wrong ...there WAS an elephant in our living room.. of course, he knew it wasn't an elephant, he knew it was his secret lover. "I" was the one with the problem, all was well with him...he couldn't "understand" why I felt something was wrong...it must have been in my head.That's when I started to feel like I was losing it. Looking back, it was a "Gaslight" situation, but I didn't know that, then. I just knew I was losing it and I had the hole in the gut feeling that something was wrong, yet I couldn't put my finger on it.That's when I started to snoop. That's when I found "the love letter".That's when I hightailed it to my doctor and fell apart in the office.That's when I started on anti depressants.I didn't tell him I knew.... and I didn't/wouldn't let him touch me.I left, making an excuse that I needed to live with my dad for awhile,because he needed help (it was less than 2 miles away) .. and I wouldstill see him every night .. I just wouldn't sleep there.That was a hellish time... it only lasted about 6 weeks... 6 weeks of me knowing the truth, hinting at the truth, driving by on nights that I told him I 'couldn't make it over' to see the that strange white car in the driveway... wanting for him to tell me, but not wanting to hear it.

Hoping I was so wrong. Hoping that it was not at all what it seemed. I remember borrowing a friends car, putting on a man's coat and hat and a pair of big glasses and following the 2 of them ... they just went to Lowe's, but dammit, "THEY" picked out the kitchen wallpaper border and put it up that night ... I could watch them as I drove by ....the car was there until the next morning, and the guest bed hadn't been slept in... I booby trapped it so I would know if someone slept there. The next day, he "surprised" me with the wallpaper, saying he did it all by himself just for me.

Every time I looked at those stupid little apples, all I could see was gay sex.

By then, I guess the anti depressants had kicked in, it had been over a month and I did not drive my car over a cliff or into his gay face, so they must have worked. (Joanie without the anti depressants would not have been so kind.)I finally broke him down into admitting the truth to me 6 weeks after I found the love letter. Then, I wanted him to suffer. I wanted him to await my test results .. I wanted him to see me cry. I wanted him to know that I thought he was a liar and a snake and that he had lost any ounce of respect I ever had for him.I wanted him to feel the pain. I would go there every night and make him admit all the times he lied and told him in EXPLICIT words what I thought of him. He had to sit there, shut up and take it, or I would out him to the world and he knew it. I wanted him to feel my pain, which of course, he never could. After about 2 weeks of this, I had said all that needed to be said, and told him never to contact me again or I would 'out' him to his family and the world.Things were fine .I stayed on my meds and started moving on...even dated someone wonderful.... even had real straight sex... got back mygroup of friends, and started living again. Life was good.A few months later, he called... he said he "knew he was risking everything"but it was worth it to him because he loved me and it was a "mistake" and it would never happen again, blah blah blah. Well, I think that at this time, the meds had made me so complacent, that I fell for it. Without the meds, I would have taken the telephone to his house and put it where he probablywould have enjoyed it.Anyway, for several months, okay, over a year, I started seeing him again.. I did NOT move back in with him, but we did resume a sexual relationship (I know --- duhhh) and I guess we had what you would call the honeymoon stage. Slowly, the nasty side of him started reappearing - not the gay sex thing - I would have killed him - meds or not. But, his frustration started coming out in many ways and he started treating me like dirt.. I was taking it and didnt know why ... I knew better. So, I went off the meds (under doctor's care) and a couple of months later, I had the strength to finally tell him "ENOUGH" of his abuse, lying and gayness.I finally found my strength again.. the complacency was gone ... and so was I. It has now been almost 6 months. I have changed my home phone number, blocked his email and threatened him with a restraining order and his face on a billboard advertising butt plugsif he ever even THINKS of contacting me again. We live less than 2 miles apart, and I have changed the grocery storeI shop in, and have avoided being anywhere near his house - have notdriven by once (YAY!) because I do not CARE what he does now.He is not my problem, anymore.But, I had to respond to your letter, because the anti-depressants helped me to SURVIVE in the beginning ... but, they also allowed me to foolishly GO BACK and "try to work it out" - because, at the time, the meds made me unable to realize the sheer futility of this. (I always wonder how much farther ahead I would be had I not dumped the great straight guy I was seeing and gone back to tgo) ... Stopping the meds finally helped me LEAVE at the end.So, in the beginning they saved my life, (and his) but later on, they prolonged my letting go and moving on.

Hope this makes sense. Keep up your amazing work!!!! I wait for your newsletter every month!
Joanie

The next letter is from Sherry, who wrote in response to the August newsletter. I received a large response to that newsletter, more than usual. The subject that I am referring to was about gay husbands loving their wives when they got married and for many years throughout the marriage. I think women needed to hear this to validate the good years of their marriage before things fell apart.
Sherry writes:

Your newsletter came at a perfect time. My husband and I have been separated since April, yet still have a close bond between us, primarily due to our 2 children and our business. Since April he has been living with his lover.

Two weeks age he called me at 1:00 am and asked if he could spend the night, I said sure. He got up the next morning and went to work, nothing was said, nothing was asked. I went into work about 2:00pm and he left. About 2:20 he called and said the reason he stayed last night was him and his partner had a big fight, he had been trying to get out of the relationship for a long time. When he got home he found his partner dead on the floor, he had committed suicide.

Since that day he has been staying in my guest room. I still consider him my best friend and I wouldn’t turn away a friend in a time of need. But in a lot of ways it has been difficult. I think I had just gotten used to living alone and was moving forward. I still am moving forward, but some old wounds were also opened. For many years we had a great marriage. It was hard for me to believe that he never loved me and I've thought I can never get involved with anyone again because I thought I was a good wife and it was all an illusion. Your newsletter made me realize that those years were real, we did have something special at least for a while.

And know, as much as it hurts and as much as I wish everything was different, I am grateful for what we do have - a strong friendship and we still do a great job parenting our beautiful children together. Thank you, I needed to know something was real.

CELEBRATING OUR 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, September, 2003

2003-09-01T17:04:00.000-04:00

CELEBRATING OUR 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

On September 10, it was the 25th anniversary of my wedding to my gay ex-husband. Some people think that it is odd that my ex and I celebrate that day every year. After all, what is there really to celebrate? Our years together as a married couple were not good years. In retrospect, they were horrible years. They were years of battle, confusion, and mental berating. They were dark years that over-clouded the good moments like having our children. Those were the years when suicide or homicide seemed like a viable solution to my unhappiness. Thankfully, my ex left in time for me to avoid either one. And once he left, my strength returned in time for me to say “NO” when he came back suitcase in hand a week later. NO MORE. No more lies, twisted truths, or living in a twilight zone. I wanted reality and serenity back in my life.

In the years following our split, there were times when we went to war many more times. And yet, I was determined to make our divorce work out better than our marriage. If we didn’t have two children, it would have been a swift and final goodbye. But when you have children, you find yourself intertwined for life with the father of your children. I had the upper hand to some degree once he left when it came to what I would tolerate, or at least I thought I did. There were plenty of violations of my wishes on the occasions when he would be with the children, some leading to horrific fighting and verbal abuse. But I tried to always stay focused on the priority issue—the security of my children.

Sometimes it was impossible. Sometimes he went over the borderline of what was acceptable. And that’s when silence set in for days, weeks, or months. But inevitably, some problem with the children would force us to face each other, and we resumed life as a family unit under different roofs. It’s been a long and winding road with lots of twists and turns going in different directions. But our common bonds bring us back together time after time.

After our daughter passed away last year at the age of 22, my ex told me that he didn’t want to fight with me anymore. He really has made an effort to keep the peace and not let things blow out of proportion. When he sees that we are starting to move down that path, he changes the course so we don’t end up falling off track. After all, we still have our son who bonds us together. And when I feel like my temperature is rising, I quickly tell him that I have to go and hang up the phone. So we’ve been keeping the peace relatively well for a while. We both know if we have a problem, we are there for each other, and that’s the best you can ask for in a divorce situation.

When I look back over the past two decades of our separated and divorced years, I don’t have too many regrets over allowing my ex to be part of our lives. There’s a part of him that I love—like a family member, not as a husband. I still believe it is always best to try to find some kind of middle ground when you have children. Friendship is the best route when possible. But settle for communication if you can’t have the friendship.

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS August, 2003

2003-08-01T06:54:00.000-04:00

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS

I have had an increasing number of gay men who have been writing to me in recent months. For the most part, they are men who are either in marriages or recently left marriages and are having difficulty dealing with “guilt” for the unhappiness they have brought their wives and families.

I always applaud these men because they are honest—at least at some point. Whenever I read these stories, I feel tremendous compassion for the tragedy that has fallen on the families at all ends.

Perhaps you are wondering why I am writing about this at all. This newsletter is, after all, primarily there to support straight women who are suffering and struggling through this situation. But guess what? I’m there for the men also who are in pain and need support. Maybe misery loves company, but from where I’m sitting, no one has to really be miserable in the long run.

In my heart, I believe that most gay men who marry are hoping against hope that homosexuality will be a thought or thing of the past once marriage comes along to “save” them. And no matter how much most straight wives believe that gay men know they are gay when they get married, I don’t believe that at all. I have come to learn that there are many gay married men who haven’t acted on their homosexual feelings, or even had homosexual feelings, until years into the marriage.

Am I an apologist? Of course not. I’m just a realist and a humanist. And I’m also honest. I see both sides of this one-sided situation. I can’t even begin to imagine the struggle that gay men go through when learning to accept who they are. I understand all of the societal and family pressures that make them try so hard to be who they are not. I’ve seen all kinds of people trying to change because of fear. And in this time of enlightenment of humankind, some lights just seem to be snuffed out by ignorance. We are still living in a society that tells us that homosexuality is a deviant practice. Millions of vocal people still believe that there are choices to be made, and people can decide to be “straight” if only they try hard enough or are strong enough. It takes great courage and conviction to say, “The hell with what people think—I am what I am.” It takes courage because being who you are can result in terrible consequences such as the loss of family members including parents, being outcast in the community, discrimination on the job, and in some cases, physical violence by ignorant people who are looking to pounce on gays just because they are gay.

Until the day comes when gay is viewed no differently than straight, gay men who can “perform” straight sex, even minimally or poorly, will do all that they can to convince themselves that they are straight. Is this what I would call denial? No, this is what I would call illusion. Or delusion. At best, confusion. And how confusing must it be when gay men truly fall in love with straight women because love itself is confusing?

I have rarely met a gay man who has stated that he got married and didn’t love his wife. Maybe he wasn’t able to love her the way she needed to be loved, but how would he know that? How many straight men marry women who they really don’t totally love because they feel pressured or obligated? In a society that has a divorce rate that is nearly 50%, I’d say a lot. And even worse, how many bad straight marriages stay together when they should be ended because people are unhappy? Far too many that I see. People just get “stuck in the muck” and accept that this is what life is about. Yuck.

Now, that being said, let me return to my real issue. To summarize so that I am very, very clear:

1. I believe that most gay men who marry do love their wives when they marry them.
2. I believe that most gay men who get married try their best to be the kind of husband they think they’re supposed to be.
3. I believe that most gay men who marry really want to be straight.
4. I believe that most gay men who marry don’t think they are gay when they get married.

Am I doing good so far?

So let me analyze these statements a little further.

1. I believe that most gay men who marry do love their wives when they marry them. I don’t believe that most gay men who marry are looking to “use” their wives at the time of marriage. It is their real intent to pull things together and create a loving family unit. Some of these men have had homosexual sexual encounters, but they believe that this is “normal” for guys. Hey look, I grew up with those reports from knowledgeable doctors like Kinsey who said the majority of men have some kind of homosexual encounter sometime in life. Why shouldn’t we believe that it is “normal” to have a few innocent encounters? Also, sexuality is very confusing throughout the teens and 20’s. Almost any touch and feel can feel exciting. Plenty of straight women have told me that they had a good sex life in the early years of their marriage. That’s why so much confusion sets in. I think another issue here is that other gay men know who they are so much earlier in the game. They say that from the time they were small, they always knew they were attracted to men. This is an important lesson—not all gay men are the same, at least when it comes to recognizing who they are and what they feel. Acknowledged.

2. I believe that most gay men who get married try their best to be the kind of husband they think they’re supposed to be. Some are good husbands, at least for many years. They are good friends, good providers, good fathers, and good partners. They try to live up to the expectations of what married life is supposed to be. I know this because so many women write to me so brokenhearted after telling me that they had a wonderful marriage. I admit I found this hard to believe in the beginning. That’s because my own marriage was so miserable. But guess what? My ex had relationships with guys after me and they were just as miserable as my marriage was. He didn’t treat his partners with any more kindness than he treated me. It’s just who he is. He’s a solo act who does not belong in a loving relationship. I also believe, however, that even though they try, they fall short of the expectations. They are gay men living in a straight marriage. They don’t belong there because they are gay. They are trying to play a “role” that they can’t interpret the right way because it’s not who they are.

3. I believe that most gay men who marry really want to be straight. If someone has the opportunity to be straight, believe me he is going to take it. If he can feel love towards a woman, he’s going to give the straight thing his very best try. And why not? Why wouldn’t he at least try to be straight? Maybe this “marriage thing” will be what he needs to make those nagging feelings or suspicions fade away—FOREVER. I believe that many gay men love their wives so much that they are “Temporarily Straight.” I even believe that some men have no clue that they have male attractions when they marry—especially young. NOT EVERY MAN HAS A YEARNING FOR MEN FROM THE TIME THEY ARE YOUNG. Some do, but not all. Time seems to be the great determining factor. The more time that goes by, the less the straight thing seems to work. Everyone’s body seems to have a different timer when it comes to sexuality. There isn’t a set day, time, or age that every man feels that big pull. Some know it early on, but many really don’t know it until later on. There is no logical answer here or predictor of when these feelings will surface.

4. I believe that most gay men who marry don’t think they are gay when they get married. Okay, some men know or strongly suspect. But I believe that most gay men don’t know they are gay when they get married, even if they have had sexual encounters with other men. They mistakenly feel that gay sex is not part of being gay. They think that gay means you have to be part of the gay world—and they are not. They may have had gay sexual encounters, but it wasn’t personal or emotional—just sex. They didn’t love their sexual partners or in many cases, even known their encounter partners, nor had a desire to do so. It was just a sexual act. Big deal. Their “straight side” is far more dominant than that gay sex thing. They love their wives—they make love to their wives. And in most cases, they can enjoy sex with their wives—at least for a while. I also believe that those men who believe they are gay are hoping that with a loving marriage, they will become straight. I don’t think most gay men go into a marriage thinking, “I’ll be a straight husband for my wife, but a gay lover for my gay relationships.” They are really hoping that gay will go away.

I bring up these points for several reasons. I don’t want straight wives to think that gay husbands have evil intentions when they get married. I know this is ridiculous. Some marriages have wonderful years together, and these are the marriages that are the most difficult to move past. These are the marriages where women hang in hoping that someday their husbands will wake up and realize what they gave up. Some women get hung up on thinking that their husbands will come to their senses when they realize that they are throwing away their marriages and families over some sex act. They just can’t understand. Or in some cases, they just don’t want to understand. How can a sexual act mean more than the love of a family?

Ironically, those husbands who eventually tell the truth are the ones who are looking for more than sexual encounters. They are looking for a soulmate who can understand their needs. We are not the soulmates they are longing to hold, caress, hug, and feel intimacy with. We can’t fulfill that need because we are women.

I do admire the honest men even if it takes time for them to be honest. Who I feel contempt for are the dishonest men who will torture their wives for years by making them think that there is nothing wrong with them—only their wives. These are the cowards who go out and do their thing and continue to lie about it to their wives. These are the men who are denying who they are when they are out there doing their gay thing. These men are not in denial because they are not denying themselves anything. They are in ‘DENYING”—DENYING to their wives what the truth is. These are men who want it all—a straight life, gay sex, and a cover for the public at large.

Sadly, too many of these “Denying” men justify their actions by saying that they love their wives too much to tell them. They are willing to keep living their lies figuring what their wives don’t know can’t hurt them. So often I get letters from men telling me they are so torn because they love their wives so much. Now these are the men who I can convince to do the right thing because they really love their wives enough to stop hurting them. And it ain’t easy, believe me. It’s a process that we go through where I make them understand how much more they are hurting their wives by lying to and cheating on them. These are the men that I can convince that living a lie is NOT beneficial to their wives. They start to understand the detrimental effect it has on a woman when you are somewhere that you don’t want to be because it’s not where you should be. You start picking fights just so that sex doesn’t have to become an issue. No one wants to make love with a man who is insulting, angry, or detached. Unfortunately, it is rare for a straight wife to ever say, “I’m married to a jerk—he’s the loser.” Instead she says, “Why doesn’t my husband love me anymore? I’m the loser.” It’s human nature. Women are socialized that way. The failure in the marriage is “their” failure even though they are the best of wives. Sad, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, there are lots of selfish, insecure men out there who just will not be honest with themselves or with their wives. These are men who justify their misactions by saying that they are sex addicts, fetish lovers, or bisexuals. A rose by any other name is still a rose I say. The power of “DENYING” IS VERY POWERFUL.

I also feel anger for the gay husbands who finally come out when they are ready and expect that their wives are just as ready as they are to accept their news. It’s taken them 10 or 20 years to come to terms with their homosexuality, but it’s only supposed to take us 10 or 20 minutes. Give me a break. When men write to me and say, “It’s been a month since I told my wife. Why is it taking her so long to accept it?” I get angry. They lack compassion and understanding. They are in a big hurry to lead their new life without giving their wives the time they need to recover from the news. This is heart aching, marriage breaking news that is very hard for a straight woman to grasp all at once. Those men who wake up one day and decide they can be who they really are and say, “Hi Honey, I’m not home anymore” need to find a better way to make their announcements.

But enough with the bad guys. I’m here to praise the brave men who do what needs to be done, namely, telling the truth and looking for solutions for both partners for the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. I recognize your struggle. I sympathize with your pain. And I admire your integrity for leading your wives out of the darkness so that one day they can see the light again.

Much Love and Hope,

Bonnie Kaye

MAILBAG May, 2003

2003-05-01T16:45:00.000-04:00

MAILBAG

Hi Bonnie,Just read your latest newsletter. Its strange how after years of distancing myself from those issues and working at rebuilding I relegate all "that knowledge" to an intellectual level, feeling that I am sooo beyond it - been there, done that and now I can dispassionately look at it without a shred of emotion......WRONG ! Out of the blue, something is said, or written and wham - hits me in the gut and I'm back there again crying my eyes out over the memories and pain I thought I'd cast away forever. This particular newsletter hit me that way ! You didn't introduce anything new.....nothing that all of us haven't mouthed and acknowledged a thousand times, yet....... perhaps the narrow focus, relentlessness and analogies you used presented such a concentrated dosage that the reader cannot help but have to face it. One can't circumvent it when faced with it in so strong a manner. At least I couldn't Every single point you made struck home with such familiarity!I'm sure I'm not the only one who reacted this way and for this, I thank you as it so needs to be said, repeated, emphasized over and over andover again, as all of us still carry shreds of this disquieting notion of mea culpa. Thank you for so dramatically and clearly presenting it.
Luv, Dina

Dear Bonnie Kaye,
I could just HUG you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your newsletter is RIGHT ON TARGET this month!!! I could never put into words how bad I felt about myself for the snooping and suspecting any man he ever talked to, the wild thoughts and visions that filled my every waking and sleeping moments ..... and the mental torment I put myself through, beating myself up for that!It is SO NICE to be OUT of the TWILIGHT ZONE, as you so perfectly put it! Admittedly, those thoughts or visions still creep in occasionally and I still have those "DUHHHHHH CLUE # 4,653 moments" when I remember something he said or something he did .... but, I know it was NOT MY FAULT and we truly WERE in different ballparks, although he had hung Yankee signs in the Boston park and I thought I was in NY.Thank you - thank you - thank you!!!!!!!! I REALLY needed this today!!!Keep up your good work ... you are helping more people than you will ever know!
Joanie

Bonnie,
Not taking the whole thing personally, like "If I had been a better wife,mother, and lover, I wouldn't be divorced!" is very hard. I need toremember that from time to time.On the subject of how they try to make it our fault, my x told me that Ispent too much time reading, doing craft projects and going to church. He accused me of wanting to make him into"Pot Roast Harry" whoever that is.........
I love you!
Judy

Dear Bonnie,

Wow. You really hit the nail on the head with this one. I feel like you totally understand what I went through in the years of my failing marriage and the self-blame in addition to my ex-husband's blame of me for its demise. I wish he could read your words and understand what a hellacious existence that was for me but alas, he still has his blinders on and will never really "get it", especially as intent as he is on hiding the truth and deflecting responsibility. He still insists we were both responsible for the break-up of our marriage and that my faults were grossly understated in relation to his big revelation about his attraction to men. He says all the things you mentioned: I was a nag, paranoid, had trust issues, couldn't love, couldn't give, was selfish, demanding, couldn't be pleased, had an attitude against men etc. etc. Damn, was I awful or what??And despite all this, he is still (2 years post-separation and divorce) trying to get me back and incredibly, sometimes the words even sound good to me! We have gone on some dates and been intimate a few times (I should shoot myself) but I don't know why I keep doing this!! I hate being a single parent and now being away from him its sometimes easy to get lulled into that false sense of security that maybe he's changed. (I am the one who wrote to you several months ago about his abuse and our ugly court battle) I have to see him all the time b/c of our 6 yr old daughter and it royally sucks because I can't seem to get on with my life.. He is heavily involved with the church and still won't admit to anyone his gay feelings etc. He insists he's never acted on it and yet he said that during the marriage and I was there when he made an open pass at another married guy!

It was devastatingly painful and thank you for this last newsletter reminding me of the craziness of that time. I swear to you, I had almost blocked it out. I am vulnerable and lonely and he still knows the buttons to push. Not to mention that I never wanted this--- to be single and a single mom and have no money, family life, support etc. I left HIM which he still insists is my fault but that he'd forgive me if I just came back to him etc. I only left him b/c of what you described! I couldn't win! Thank you so much for saying in words what happened b/c I've been getting as delusional as he is again.

Why on earth do you think he still wants me back? After the court battle, the ugliness and everything? He insists he has attractions to men but they're only a result of his insecurity and lack of feeling masculine and that he'd be faithful to me. I don't even know why I'm entertaining these things except that my self-esteem is very shot after all that stuff and now I don't feel good enough for anybody. Plus, I'm scared to death of losing custody of my little girl b/';c he presents so well and can make me look emotional and crazy. He is quite the actor, which I tend to forget at times. He swears he loves me and that he wants us to be a family again and sometimes I am just so WEAK, b/c that's what I always wanted and may never have. But I know it would never be real with him and I'll never trust him. I guess, I'm just pretty messed up huh?

Anyway, thanks for listening. I get a lot out of your newsletters. I even showed him a few when we'd gotten together and he thinks it's evil that anyone would be so much for the woman without understanding the men's point of view. He thinks you paint us as angels and the gay ones as devils, but I know that isn't true. You simply understand that we've had enough blame. We have been devastated by husbands who refuse to look at the wreckage THEY created. And as usual, and probably for always-- he just doesn't get it!

Thanks again,

Callie

Wow Bonnie,
just read the newsletter. Seems we have something else in common that really hit home. I tried to commit suicide 4 times in my life. Twice it was official because Dan found me and took me to the hospital (gee, thanks Dan). The last time wasn't all that long ago, and I ended up losing my 2nd leg because of it. I got up and probably rammed into a wall in my wheelchair, and ripped open my foot. Shortly thereafter I lost the leg. Was it all because of my marriage to a gay man? I'm not sure. My first suicide was when I was turning 21, and was so lonely and depressed, I took a bunch of my father's pills. Just made me sleep, but honestly was an attempt to take my life. I truly wanted to die. My life was so unhappy. This was exactly the time I met Dan, he pulled me out from that depression, but it was right after finding out that the love of my life (another man) was gay!!! Thinking about this, yes, it is because of gay men and my trust in them, that I've been so suicidal.

Anyway, thanks for sharing such intimate thoughts with all the people who read your newsletter. That was a brave thing to do. I'd really love to talk to you about those times. To actually have someone who understands what suicide is all about! Well, I could use that.

Love, Holly

Thank you, Bonnie, for your newsletters. Keep 'em coming! I'm especially looking forward to reading your next newsletter, as my husband keeps telling me his online gay porno visits are more of an addiction than a sexuality issue. He feels he is in touch with being bisexual, but is committed to me and our marriage, etc.....By the way, I'm in the throes of a really rough time dealing with this, and your newsletters are like a lifeline for me. My husband has been very desperate to keep the marriage going and has made suicidal statements. He is finally in therapy (after me begging him to talk to someone for three weeks) and has let his gay brother know what is going on (only after I went to his brothers office and told him, though). He actually went to three therapists before he settled on the husband/wife team he's currently seeing. The first two confronted his denial, and the third was actually a child psych we were consulting about how to tell our son we are separating (he hoped the psych would talk me out of it). But his brother and I don't anticipate he will be able to fully come to terms with this for quite awhile. His brother gives him two years, but I can't wait that long. His brother has begged me to stay with my husband for a couple months just to help him "catch up" to where I am.Meanwhile, my husband has tried EVERYTHING, including making reservations on a cruise (I immediately told him to cancel them) to try and get me to stay in the marriage. Just like you warned in one of your earlier newsletters -- he has become an Olympic champion trying to prove his true love (and sexual attraction) for me.

I feel even more betrayed, because I really trusted that my husband would have been honest with me about his sexuality. However, I'm seeing that he is so closeted EVEN TO HIMSELF that he is only beginning to fathom how his dishonesty has affected me.I am basically hanging in here (but not allowing any physical contact) for my son's sake until the end of the school year. I feel like we're setting up tag-team parenting. It's hard having to stay in the same house because I've never lost my own sexual attraction for my husband -- do you understand? And we had a pretty good sexual thing going on occasion. We had just come back from a two-week beach resort vacation and had a pretty good time -- but of course, it was just a week later I found all this porno stuff going on. And my reaction was not one of hurt or surprise, but rather, resignation, I think. It was like an "ah-hah; so THAT's what's been going on" moment.I want us to be able to maintain a friendship so that someday we can sit next to each other at one of our son's basketball games, and cheer for him together, even though we may by then have different partners. I know that's somewhat of a fantasy, but perhaps it can be a goal...So, all of this to say how important your newsletter is for me.
Danette

Dear Bonnie,
I just wanted to tell you what a light in the darkness you have been. I think your strength through all your trials- your gay marriage, and losing your beloved daughter- is a true testament to the human spirit and an inspiration to all of us who have been or are currently married to gay men.I always shouldered the burden for my husband's unhappiness before reading your letters. I also never allowed myself to be angry at my husband's treatment of me. Do you remember that quote by Gordon Liddy, the one he made while holding his hand over an open flame? He said "the trick is not to mind it." That quote went through my head constantly during my hellish marriage, and reading your and other women's stories made me realize that I did mind it, and that I should mind it.

Even now, my husband is coming back wanting some way to "work out" our marriage. I was able to show him your letter "what if we were married to straight men". I read him the sentence where you state that at best, it is a friendship and how it will never be the stuff that love songs and poetry were made of. How glad I was to have that the time when he was using 25 years of conditioning to convince me to return to the old life. So, thank you, I only hope now that I am stronger, I can pass the strength you have given me along to others.
Beth

Thank you, Beth, for reminding women about those important words of not settling for anything less than someone who will inspire you with his love.
Well, I know this has been a longer than usual newsletter, but the feedback was worth reading, wasn’t it? If you’d like to have me print your letter in my upcoming newsletters, just let me know. Or, if your feedback is filled with feelings that others can benefit from, I’ll be sending you a note asking permission to reprint.
Love, Bonnie Kaye

DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS, May, 2003

2003-05-01T16:42:00.000-04:00

DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS

I’ve written about this before, and probably not too long ago. But I could never write about this enough, so I’ll talk about it again. It’s what I call “Distorted Perceptions.” It’s an important part of understanding the whole concept your marriage and why it failed.

I think I’ve gotten most of you on board with understanding that you had no influence on your husband’s homosexuality. No matter how easy it is for us to fall into the trap of believing that we were not “good enough” or “smart enough” or “pretty enough” or “sexy enough” for our husbands, I hope after reading my constant reassurances, you finally understand that your husband’s homosexuality was there long before you were.

The next concept of why your marriage failed is a little more difficult for you to understand. You are still looking at your marriage as if it takes “two to tango” as the saying goes. I often hear women say, “He made mistakes, and I made mistakes,” or “We both had faults,” Let’s acknowledge that no one is perfect. Yes, we all have faults. But it is not your “faults” that created the problems in the marriage. On the other hand, it is very possible that the problems in the marriage intensified your faults.

Example? Okay. Let’s start with me revealing to you some of the problems I had in my marriage. Because of all of the erratic behavior and inconsistencies in my marriage, I was overly suspicious of my husband’s actions. Whenever I couldn’t account for his missing time, I believed he was out cheating on me. I made an automatic search of all of his belongs when he wasn’t looking. This included all of the pockets in his clothes, his little black phone book, and his wallet. I looked in the car at the mileage gauge, looked under the seats for clues of unfamiliar items, and went through the glove compartment for any suspicious papers, matchbook covers, or receipts left behind and haphazardly thrown in there. As soon as I would find a possible incriminating piece of evidence, I would confront my husband. He would get angry and yell at me how I was neurotic and ridiculous. He always had an explanation of whatever evidence I found, and he did his best to convince me that I was the one with a “vivid” imagination that was always in the overactive mode.

From where he was sitting, I looked like the overly nagging wife. Snooping didn’t become me. But I became obsessed. Once the trust was gone, there was no way for me to regain it, especially when his patterns of suspicion continued. As much as I tried to ignore what kept hitting me in the face, I was unable to do so. As time progressed, my obsession deepened. Every time he left the house, my imagination took over and images of young men jolted out in my mind. Every guy my husband spoke to became suspect to me. My reactions to people were totally different because of this. No doubt, there were many innocent people who became victims of my unfounded hostility, but I was unable to distinguish fact from fiction because of the ones who were my realities and nightmares.

Now, my husband blamed me for overreacting to almost everything. And maybe in many cases I did. Bottom line: This was not who I was, but who I became because HE WAS GAY AND LIVING A LIE. And that lie infiltrated the darkest part of my soul turning me into someone whom I didn’t recognize or even like.

There were days when I woke up and didn’t want to live any more. This was NOT ME. The real me had a passion for life that had been temporarily snuffed out. I didn’t know it was temporary while I lived it because my life was now on another plane—somewhere between the Twilight Zone and death. I say death because on three different occasions I attempted suicide. It seemed like an excellent alternative during those moments that seemed so inescapable and hopeless. This was NOT ME either. Prior to my marriage, I was so high on life. I was active, sociable, surrounded by high self-esteem, and very independent. I turned into someone who was depressed, scared, insecure, co-dependant, and crying constantly from being hurt.

The decisions and the moves that I made during my marriage were based on the mutated perceptions inside my marriage. Before I suspected that homosexuality was the cause of my unhappiness, I came to believe that it was me who was causing the problems in my marriage. If I told my husband that our marriage had problems, he would reply, “We don’t have problems—YOU have the problem. I am happy in the marriage. YOU are the unhappy one.” Many of you have written to me that your husbands tell you the same thing. The problem is YOU—not him, not the “marriage.” And naturally, my husband, as well as yours, never looks beyond the fact that YOU have a problem, because it’s always all about them. I guess I was falling into a darker hole each day so it was easy for me to believe that I was the one with the problems. He wasn’t falling into a dark hole. He seemed content, and why not? He had a wife and a life outside his wife.

He was living his lie. And it was a big lie. Not a little white lie. Lying about your sexuality is a really very big lie. VERY BIG. What is a little lie? A little lie is taking money and buying something and not telling your spouse. A little lie is getting a couple of drinks at the bar with some friends while you tell your wife you are working. A little lie is not revealing that you broke your diet, smoked a cigarette after you quit, or paying more for something than you’re supposed to but keeping quiet not to start a fight because you’ve unbalanced the family budget.

It’s not like I’m condoning lying, but I certainly do understand it. I’ve lied myself when the thought of revealing something is going to result in an unnecessary argument that can be avoided and has no real effect on the state of a relationship. To lie is human. To live a lie is different. It’s not something that is inconsequential. When you live a lie, there are always consequences for someone. In our cases, it ends up being our consequence.

The basis for a relationship should be one built on give and take. When a man stops having sex with his wife because it’s too much of a burden for him because he is gay, you are giving wrong information to your wife. I don’t hear too many men take responsibility for their lack of sexual activity other than made up stories about being too tired, too overworked, too depressed, too headachy, too sore from exercising, etc. When those excuses run out, then the tables turn. Then it’s—YOU. You are too heavy, YOU are too naggy, YOU are too unsympathetic,
YOU are too demanding, and of course…..YOU ARE A NYMPHOMANIAC or something just as insulting. Because YOU now think YOU are the problem in your marriage, YOU are the one who tries to change YOURSELF. So, now you are changing yourself to become the ideal wife of a man who doesn’t want to make love to you no matter how good you look, how nice you act, how talented you are, or of course—how devoted you are to your gay husband. Ouch! That hurts.

Eventually, after your husband rejects you enough times, you stop expecting sex, and you also stop asking for it. He breathes a deep sigh of relief. Whew!! “She finally gets it. Stop asking because you’re not going to get it.” Once your wife stops asking you to have sex, she has resigned herself to living an unhappy life with you. How happy to do you think she’s going to be? And when she’s not happy, that’s her fault too, right? Wrong. It’s the husband’s fault.

Some gay husbands believe that money is the key to happiness—YOUR happiness. They will try to compensate for their sexual inadequacy by buying you gifts and trinkets, as if that will do it for you. It’s the same pattern as the physically abusive husband who beats his wife, begs for forgiveness, tells her that he loves her, and goes out to buy a present to prove it. HYPOCRITS. Like a bracelet is going to make you feel better about yourself. “I don’t think you’re good enough to make love to, but I think you’re good enough for a bracelet.” Thanks pal—but no thanks.

I know they say that the failure of a marriage is the fault of both parties, and maybe that’s the case in functional marriages. But guess what? I don’t think it’s that way when you live with a gay man. You aren’t happy. He can’t be happy. He is saying that you are making him unhappy because of your own unhappiness. But if he would have been a straight husband, maybe you would be happy. Perhaps you could have met life’s challenges as a team instead of being on different teams. And not only are you both on different teams, but you’re both playing in different ballparks. If the pitcher for the New York Yankees throws the most perfect pitch in NY, the best player in Boston standing hundreds of miles away can’t hit it—NO MATTER WHAT. You are in two different cities on two different teams. Two different places in two different spaces.

The same goes for straight wives with gay husbands. If your husband is telling you that the lack of sex in your marriage is YOUR fault, and he is a gay man, no matter what you do to make yourself more physically attractive, and some of you have gone to the extremes of breast implants and liposuction, it’s not going to change anything. You are playing in the wrong ballpark. Or shall I say, you have the wrong plumbing.

If you think I’m saying to all of you that you are perfect and without fault, well, I’m not. No one is perfect; we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have bad days. We all have human traits, and this is fine. And no husband—straight, gay or otherwise is perfect either. I don’t think any of us are seeking perfection. We are seeking husbands who are playing in the same ballpark. And although many couples who are STRAIGHT couples grow apart, they do it in a more honest way. They don’t always look to place the blame on your lap. They take some responsibility for the marriage unraveling. And you can make sense of those marriages that don’t work without feeling that you are responsible for their failure. In a marriage with a gay husband, you don’t even know what is real and not real. You are living in a labyrinth that has only twists and turns. There is no way to ever find a way to the end of the maze. The twists and turns go nowhere except in vicious circles.

And so, when you sit back and recount the years that have passed and try to figure out what went wrong in your marriage, do yourself a favor--stop thinking about it. When you live with a gay man who is parading in disguise as a straight man, nothing can change the circumstances. Or shall I say, only you are capable of changing them—by leaving the marriage and moving on to a life that makes sense. What’s really so amazing is that life can make sense once your marriage is over. No more mazes to run through, no more Twilight Zones or Outer Limits. No more trying to solve the unsolvable, no more fighting against the unchanging tide. When you live like this, you zap your mental and physical energy because spinning gold out of hay only happens in fairytales.

DENIAL, March, 2003

2003-03-03T16:32:00.000-05:00

DENIAL

I’d like to end this month’s newsletter with a few thoughts about the subject of “DENIAL.” I’ve been doing some rethinking about my use of this word. I realize that I’ve been making excuses for some of your gay husbands by suggesting that they are in “denial.” When husbands eventually admit to having gay sex but state they didn’t think this was “gay,” they often say it’s because they were in “denial.” In fact, I honestly believe that their gay peers also buy into this thinking. But now I think it only serves as another excuse for dishonesty. It kinda sounds good to the unsuspecting mind. “I’m sorry honey, I would have told you years ago, but I didn’t know. I didn’t understand. I was in a state of DENIAL!!!” And when a gay husband uses this as his excuse, it actually makes a horrible situation seem just a little better. It takes some of the stabbing sting away from our psyche. It generates a sort of “win-win” situation all the way around.

How? Well, let’s face it. If your husband says that he was in “DENIAL,” that means he wasn’t consciously or purposely betraying you. In fact, he wasn’t technically cheating on you. He swears he never really enjoyed it. In some cases, he can barely even remember it. He had absolutely no emotional attachments to the stranger that he spent a few quick moments with. His “thinking head” was in such a different place than his “sexual head” that he never even realized that it happened during those weeks, months or in some cases, years. How can you possibly hold this against him? He was almost like, well, for lack of a better word, a VICTIM.

Whew! Don’t you feel better? I would. And, there are even some extra bonus points here. You have more peace of mind than before because your gay husband really loves you and those momentary encounters, which only were a few seconds in a vast sea of time were simply that—momentary “BLACK-OUTS” where your honey can’t remember what happened. He can’t even remember how it started or ended. It is just a blank spot in his subconscious or, hmmm, unconscious, so to speak. He has no recollection of the actual person whom it happened with, and don’t even think about a name. There was no name. The face is a blur for sure. And after it happened, it was tucked away, or shall I say thrown away from his mind, never to return.

When gay husbands refer to “DENIAL,” I realize it means that they were acting on their needs to sexually fulfill their homosexuality. “DENIAL” really means that they don’t dare tell you, their wives, lest you should understand what the real problem is in your marriage. The only one I think they are really in denial to is you. When you ask your husband what the real problem is in the marriage, he will DENY there is a “real” problem. When he stops making love to you and you ask him why, he’ll once again deny that there’s a problem. In fact, anything you ask him that even alludes to homosexuality—bam! There must be something wrong with you because your husband DENIES he has a problem.

It’s really difficult for me to “swallow” the line about DENIAL at this stage of time. I have done things that I’m not proud of in my life, but I never pretended to myself that I hadn’t done them. I try to live up to my responsibilities and don’t look to peddle them off elsewhere. As horrifying as acting on gay sexual urges may have seemed at any particular moment during a marriage, once the deed is done, it’s done. Using DENIAL as a tactic to keep running away from the truth seems pretty lame. I’m not saying you have to shout it from the rooftops, but I do think that you need to you need to tell the person whom you married and promised to be honest with for better or worse. Yes, this is worse, but let’s be fair here. Your wife hasn’t done anything wrong except try to love you. Why can you love her enough to be truthful? Because you are in denial? No, I don’t think so. Let’s call it what it is—namely CONSCIENCE FAILURE.

Hugs and Love, Bonnie Kaye

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter FEBRUARY, 2003

2003-02-02T16:28:00.000-05:00

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS

It’s that painful time of the year again for many women who are presently married to gay men or still recovering from the aftermath of their gay husbands—namely, Valentine’s Day. I don’t forget the sting of that day that stung me so many times in subsequent years of my life while my heart was frozen in the “void” status. I was always a romantic that thrived on being in love. But through the years of my marriage to my gay husband and the recovery years that followed, it was like that Gershwin tune that goes, “They’re writing songs of love, but not for me….”

For those of you who are struggling through your marriages, Valentine’s Day always fall short of your expectations. Some of you have not lost your enthusiasm—you’ve made all the plans in your head for a fantasy that never comes true. You plan a romantic evening with a beautiful home cooked dinner of his favorite food. You psyche yourself up for that yearly hope that the hearts of the day will make your husband’s heart change and create an evening of passion. After the anticipation builds throughout the day, the reality becomes a good night peck on the cheek intermingled with the words, “I love you,” and off to bed he goes—meaning off to sleep, not sex.
I wish I would have known through those lonely years what I learned later in life. It would have lessened the stabbing pain at the end of the evening and the tears that left my pillowcase soggy. Here’s the message: Don’t lose your hope for romance or passion. They are both somewhere in you future. That’s the good news. That part of you doesn’t have to die at all, no matter how much your gay husband wishes it would. You see, to him, it’s a major pain in the neck. Every time you get those “touchy feely” urges to go touching and feeling him, it gives him the willies. Yikes! What’s the new excuse of the day going to be? How many headaches, toothaches, ulcers, depressions, and exhaustion excuses does he have to come up with? It’s such a nuisance.

The other good news is that there is someone out there waiting for your love. It’s not going to be your husband, so you can put that thought out of your mind. But your soulmate is out there looking for you. I believe that. I see it happen over and over again. It happened to me when I had written off the possibility. Women whose hearts have been deadened through the lack of nurturing by gay men who are not capable of giving it, one day have their hearts awakened again by straight men who know what it means to love equally and unconditionally. And no one is happier than me when I hear from a woman who is “born again” after being buried under for years. I cheer my girlfriends and applaud their courage in coming alive again. I tell them, “Go for it.”

I have watched the transition of some of my wonderful friends in our online support group this year. I have seen women who never felt that love would come their way once again feel their hearts flutter. Even if things didn’t work out, they didn’t retreat or give up. I tell them keep practicing for the real thing. Practice makes perfect. For most women, it’s been so long since they’ve been around straight men that they’ve forgotten what to do. That’s where the practice comes in.

If any of my readers would like to share their stories of feeling alive again, please send them to me so I can share them with the several thousand readers who need this kind of inspiration. As always, your stories can remain as anonymous as you like. To those of you still waiting to feel those flutters again, Happy Future Valentine’s Day to you. It’s always within your reach.

Love, Bonnie Kaye

DISTINGUISHING THE TRUTH, Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter. Jan 2003

2003-01-02T16:24:00.000-05:00

DISTINGUISHING THE TRUTH

The word “truth” is always controversial to me. You can have two people watching the same exact event, and yet, when they report it, you receive two very different versions of the actual event. Is one being honest while the other is being dishonest? No, not at all. It’s all a matter of perception, or how people filter the information in their own minds.
Keeping that in mind, I question a gay married man’s perception when it comes to a particular issue. It is not uncommon to hear gay men say that after they leave their marriages, the relationship with their children is estranged because the ex-wife is alienating them by bad mouthing, discouraging, and turning the kids against them.
Although I know that women are angry about losing their marriages to homosexuality, I have rarely met a woman who isn’t more than willing to have her ex-husband be part of the family life. Out of thousands of women I hear from yearly, I have maybe heard one or two women who have stated they don’t want their children around the father because he is gay. They may not be happy about the gay thing, but they would never let that stand in the way of a father-child relationship.
Personally, I think a lot of gay men use this as an excuse for being irresponsible to their families. It’s much easier to blame the wife and children than to accept responsibility for their own actions. And do I think they are making up this story because they are looking to feel better about themselves? Well, sometimes yes, sometimes no. Some men, I give the benefit of the doubt because of what I feel is their distorted perception of the “truth.”
We all have truths, but all truths aren’t the same. I hear many gay husbands say that they had no idea that they were gay when they got married, and I definitely believe that is the case for the majority of gay married men. But then somewhere in the marriage, there were episodes of infidelity while they went out and had gay sex. And yet, they still claim this isn’t “gay” or “cheating.” In their minds, they believe this to be the “truth.”
Some gay men will tell you that their wives were argumentative and difficult to please. But they are telling you this from the point of view of a gay man. When a woman feels that she is unfulfilled and missing out on life, why should she act happy? But how often do these men say, “I can certainly understand why she was unhappy. I didn’t know how to make her happy”? I only occasionally hear that from ex-husbands. It’s more often a list of complaints of where their wives fell short.
These marriages are what I call, “A Mutation of Life.” All perceptions of what is real versus untrue is a mutation. We are always reacting to our husbands based on what they “think they should do as a straight man.” They do their best to play the part, like an actor in a television series. In this case, it’s more like a long running soap opera.
It reminds me of the movie, “Imitation of Life,” which was made in the 1930’s and remade in the early 1960’s. It is one of my all time favorite movies. In this story, two very poor women, one white and one black, both single parents of young girls, meet and become instant friends. The black woman is seeking shelter for her and her daughter. Both women are almost penniless, so the white woman agrees to have her move in as her housekeeper. The white woman becomes a famous actress. The black woman runs her home and helps raise her daughter. As the girls grow into their teenage years, their friendship takes a different direction due to the racial differences. The black woman’s daughter is very light and tries to pass in the white world as a white woman. She leaves home and starts her life as a white woman. Her mother keeps finding her because she loves her so much, even though the daughter begs her to stay away lest her secret be exposed.
The ending of the story always makes me sob no matter how many times I see the movie. The mother dies and the daughter gets there too late. She is crying for her mother, but she didn’t have time to say goodbye and I love you. It’s a great movie classic. Anyway, the young woman who “passes” as white lives in constant fear of being discovered, much like our gay husbands. She can act the part of a white woman, and even believe hard enough that she is a white woman, but her background will always come back to haunt her.
I can’t imagine having to play a role as someone who I’m not for more than a day. I can’t even conceive of living a lie day in and day out for years. But gay husbands do it all the time. And guess what? Since they are living a lie, we are living their lie with them, even though we may have no idea while it is happening.
Does this mean that our marriages are lies? Well, in a big way, I think so. We are reacting in our own lives to the actions of our husbands. They are acting in their own lives based on what their perceptions of being a “straight” husband should be. So when they get annoyed or irritated, we start looking to please by changing who we are and what we want to accommodate their happiness.
This translates into us doing things that we wouldn’t normally do or ways we wouldn’t necessarily want to be if we had a husband who loved us just for who we are instead of resenting who we aren’t. That’s why so many of us feel so betrayed when we learn our husbands are gay. The feeling that hurts so much is that we remolded ourselves to be “better wives” in the hopes that our husbands would love us more. Some of us “tiptoed” through life trying not to step down too hard fearing ridicule and criticism. Some of us gave up our own hopes and wants because we were too busy working at getting our husbands to love us better.
Since our husbands’ perceptions of us will never be true ones, their perception of how we are alienating our children from them is also not usually a real one but rather a distortion or justification in their own minds. I have heard from thousands of women who wish their husbands would take a more active part in the co-parenting of the children after the marriage is over. They long for some free time to breathe and wish their husbands would take the children for a while. They feel overwhelmed by their new responsibilities and lack of time to think. And in so many cases, the financial responsibilities that now are thrown our way choke us. Gay never seems to be the issue—responsibility is.
Too often, I have women write to me that their husbands claim there are “turning the kids against them,” when in fact, they themselves are turning the children against them. Children need to feel that they are just as important to their fathers after they leave as they were before. And when they start getting ignored because their fathers are into some other world that they have no idea about, the resentment starts taking place. The children do not need to hear a discouraging word from their mothers—they are watching the actions of their fathers and reacting all on their own.
When these fathers decide to find the time to be with their children, they expect the children will be happy just to see them. If they haven’t been around or active in the children’s lives, the children can become resentful or alienated without any help from their mothers. Children have their own feelings and perceptions that no one has to influence. I have rarely seen a wonderful father who is active in his children’s lives banned or alienated because he is gay.
Instead of these men having pity parties bemoaning their “angry, bitter wives” who are brainwashing their children, let them spend the time constructively figuring out what they can do to improve their children’s lives and repair the relationship. Being a good father shouldn’t have to be a sexuality issue. It’s a parenting issue. My children would have never resented their father’s sexuality because it was different; what they did resent was being made to feel that they weren’t as important as a hot date when their father broke his promises and commitments. These are the realities that we live, not the distortions.
So, the next time you read about a gay father’s rejection by his children due to his wife, think twice. Chances are his wife was very similar to us in nature. Chances are she wanted her husband to be more involved with the children than less involved. And chances are he screwed up big enough to make it easier to blame his wife rather than take the responsibility.

DECEMBER, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 21 ENLARGING THE CLOSET

2002-12-02T11:31:00.000-05:00

ENLARGING THE CLOSET

I find it somewhat remarkable that we often find “men in the closet” the topic of our
conversations without mentioning whose keeping them company—namely, US. I would like to discuss this because too many women suffer from this “closetedness”, and they need to understand why.

It seems that no matter how rational the explanation is that we are not responsible for our husbands’ homosexuality, for some women, there is a part of you that somehow still feels responsible. I know this because I often speak to these women. Here’s a typical conversation:

“Bonnie, thanks so much for helping me understand about my husband’s homosexuality. Everything finally makes sense to me. It seems like all of those missing pieces of the puzzle are finally in place. Yes, I do understand that my husband was this way before I married him but he didn’t even know it himself.”

Then comes the next part:

“I can’t tell anyone. There’s no one I can discuss this with—not my family, not my friends, not my doctor, not my therapist, not my—well, not anyone.”

Then I ask, “How come? What’s the problem with discussing this with someone who is really close to you?”

The answer that comes:

“People won’t understand.”

And then I ask the question that hurts so much:

“Do you think they’ll blame you?”

Ouch. That’s the thought that hurts because I’m getting very close to the truth.
“Yes, people are going to blame me. They are going to think that I am the cause of my husband’s homosexuality. I can’t tell anyone this terrible secret.”
And then I ask the question:
“Do you feel in anyway that you’re responsible?”
Then I get the answer that makes me wince:
“Not really.”
“Well, sometimes.”
“Not usually.”
In other words, sorta, kinda, like maybe. Ugh. Just when I thought the worst was over, it’s still there. Mrs. Superwife is still feeling responsible in one way or another for her husband’s “choice” in sexuality.

This is so common in the months that follow the initial news about a husband’s homosexuality. No matter how many times a woman hears that it was not her fault, she doesn’t quite believe it. She can’t understand how the man who loved her, married her, made love to her, had children with her, and vowed to love her forever and ever until death do they part has been able to forget all of those beautiful life memories, commitments, and wedding vows. She still questions what she did wrong to make him turn this way. Somewhere in the part of the brain labeled “Logic,” there has been a total eclipse that has blanked out the truth in previously understanding the situation. Just when you think, “By George, I’ve got it,” a rush comes over you and you think “I don’t have a clue.” How did this happen?

Women have often commented to me that they feel they are hiding in the closets with their husbands. And they go one step beyond that—they are still in the closets when their husbands come out. They continue to feel isolated and alone in this situation no matter how much they know intellectually that there are millions of women in the same situation.

Sometimes being part of a small group is very isolating. But I know rare diseases that have far less membership than our group and they don’t seem embarrassed to discuss their problem. They may only have a few hundred people in their group. We have millions—and yet we still feel compelled to keep this information a secret.

I think that we always have a sense of shame or embarrassment that keeps us hidden away long after our husbands have made their disclosure to the outside world. Our husbands are often more willing to take the criticism that society throws at gays than we are. And you know what? I think society is far more ignorant when it comes to the situation of wives of gays than they are of gays.

What do I mean? I mean that society will sooner accept a gay person as gay than a straight woman who married a gay. We are the ones who are really facing the ignorance of society. As if we didn’t feel bad enough about ourselves when this whole thing happens, we have to face people’s stupidity not only while this is happening, but long after it’s over. But this ignorance is easy to understand. Look how many of us blamed ourselves for our husbands’ homosexuality until we started to understand that we were not the cause. And look how long it takes women to honestly believe they were not the cause. And as I said earlier, just when I think I have them convinced at least on an intellectual level, the emotions kick in a throw off the thinking ability. That’s when I hear the talk of, “I know I’m not responsible for my husband’s homosexuality, but I can’t stop wondering if maybe he would have suppressed those feelings all together if I had been more understanding…supportive…attractive….etc.”

Five steps forward, one giant step back. Add a few external messages from the hubby (“I swear I didn’t have these feelings when we married.”), the parents (“Why would he turn to a man? Are you sure? Maybe your imagination is over active. Maybe you aren’t meeting your wifely duties.”), the friends (“You must have known something. Come on, I could tell. Do you mean to tell me you couldn’t? Everyone suspects him.”), co-workers (“You didn’t know your husband was gay? Or is it you didn’t want to know? You must have been pretty stupid not to know that.”), or well meaning casual acquaintances (“He’s such a great guy. I can’t believe he’s gay. And even if he is, I wouldn’t mind having a guy like that anyway. He seems to be such a great husband. I could live with that little flaw.”)

How about when we bring it up to future potential dates or partners? First question: “Have you been tested for AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases?” And if you tell them that you haven’t had sex with your husband for 10 years, they still want proof. They still think AIDS can be spread through the air in your house. Some of them will not call back after they learn that your husband was gay as if you are carrying around a disease that can “turn” them gay. Or you feel so afraid of turning someone off whom you are looking to turn on that you leave out that part of the story of the past marriage. You are hoping that the new man will love you enough in time to overlook that part of your past and the news can wait until then. You are still living your husband’s lie for him long after he’s telling the truth.

It is difficult having to be an activist for a cause, and especially a cause where you are starting off with so much misunderstanding and ignorance. Sometimes it’s just less exhausting to keep mum. After all, your husband did it for years. And maybe you’ve been doing it for years. Thankfully there are others who are able to go out there and say, “My husband is gay, but I’m okay.” They share their stories with the newspapers, television, and radio getting the word out. Even I have become semi-closeted to protect the privacy of my son and my ex-husband. I wish I could do as I did in the old days and just show up for national television shows that keep inviting me now to let the world know how it really is. But as I tell others, always put the children first. They had no choice in being here. We have choices. I’ll just keep plugging away in the less visible media with hopes that the word will keep spreading.

What do you Think ???

DECEMBER, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 21 "UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS… FOR US."

2002-12-01T01:27:00.000-05:00

UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS… FOR US

Well, there’s no place like home for the holidays, as the song goes. But then again, chances are the person who wrote that song didn’t have a gay spouse. This is the time of year that hurts the most when you are living with a gay husband, whether he be in the closet, out of the closet, claiming to be “Bisexual” or promising he’ll never act on it. It doesn’t matter what the status is when the situation comes down to the same bottom line. There is no way to feel happy when your heart is breaking and your life is always tilting over the wrong way.

The season between Thanksgiving and Christmas is depressing for many people for various reasons. But for us, there is a special sadness because we know the joys that were meant for us just aren’t happening—nor will they be happening in the future with the men we married. We have to face a whole new set of hopes and dreams on our own or with someone else. Some of you are still stuck in the same muck as you were last year during this holiday season, and to you, I am sorry. I’m sorry because I know that no matter how much decking up your halls with boughs of holly you do to create an illusion, there’s no action happening under the mistletoe with your husband. Or, shall I say there’s no action happening for you with your husband under that hanging plant. If you’re waiting for some action or some passion, don’t bother wasting your time standing paralyzed with hope under a clump of green hanging from your ceiling.

What’s even worse is that the start of the holiday season seems to have moved back a month this year. I heard those holiday carols start playing as soon as Halloween was over. That gives us an extra four weeks to have to be reminded of the cheer of the season, which doesn’t belong to us.

Why are these days worse than any other time of the year? Because this is a time when you are forced to get together with other family members and friends and “put on a happy face” as the saying goes. It’s your time to be on stage with one of your great performances. You need to convince everyone around you that life is really wonderful, just like that movie “It’s A Wonderful Life.”

You don’t want to ruin everyone else’s holiday just because yours has been ruined. This wouldn’t be fair, would it? This performance has to be of Academy Award caliber because there are lots of people out there that you need to fool, including co-workers, friends, family members, children, and sometimes—most importantly—yourself.

I say “yourself” because sometimes you are the most important person whom you need to fool. If you really had to face your feelings while going through this time of year, you’d be popping those anti-depressants by the handful. In order to survive the holiday season of “joy,” we put our emotions into a different psychological “mindset.” We suppress our feelings of emptiness and fill our lives with busywork to keep us running and doing, never allowing ourselves the luxury of time to think. Thinking would be counter-productive to the holiday spirit.

We look around us to grab onto anything and everything that will make us feel grateful for what we do have in life instead of what we don’t have. We stare at those beautiful creations our gay husbands have helped us create—namely, our children. How many times do I hear women say, “something came out good from my marriage—my children”? Almost all women with children tell me that. And it’s true. All of us who have children look at this as the pot of gold at the end of the dark storm where there’s really not a rainbow. This is not to negate the fact that you have these treasures, but they certainly aren’t growing up with the ideal family that you had envisioned when they were born. But not to be a “humbug” during these happy days, you create a winter wonderland of family unity, or shall I say, family fantasy.

And some of your husbands live up to the fantasy during these heartfelt holidays. They are on good behavior. They know that Santa Claus is coming to town, and there’s something magical about this time of year, even if you are a grinch or grouch for the other 11 months. Most of your husbands will step up to the plate for the “holly jolly holidays.” They’ll do their husbandly duties for the public puttin’ on the Ritz so to speak. Everyone will think that you are a happy loving family. Of course, in private, don’t expect that role to carry over—the one where they do their “husbandly duties.” That would really be pushing your luck.

The most difficult part of the holidays is the illusion of magic that is created. Everyone is on his best behavior. Your gay husbands are trying their best to do the family thing the right way. Those yearly traditions that they grew up with in their own families seem to surface around late November and linger until January 2 or so. It confuses us like hell. Just when we thought there was no hope for the future, this kinder, gentle, more loving husband pops up—reminding you of the days when you thought both of you were in love and your marriage would live happily ever after. And just as you’re mentally being dragged into this annual false sense of hope, boom, the New Year arrives and it’s over. Things are back to abnormal. Sad, isn’t it?

So if you are still stuck in a dark space, namely your marriage to your gay husband, try not to set yourself up for the big drop down. Face the season with reality. Don’t let misplaced kindness fool you. Enjoy it while it’s there, just to give you some peace in your ongoing storm, but don’t delude yourself that this is forever. It’s not—not by a long shot. It’s only the temporary holiday spirit of love that is floating in the air. It will be blown away with a strong gust before you know it. In spite of it, have a peaceful holiday and surround yourself with the people who love you the most during these difficult days.

NOVEMBER, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 20 "GETTING THEM TO UNDERSTAND"

2002-11-01T07:23:00.000-05:00

GETTING THEM TO UNDERSTAND

Although I had actually written something else for this newsletter, I saved it for a different month because there’s something bothering me more at the moment that I would like to discuss.

While I was recently in my International Support Chatroom, one of our women from overseas mentioned how difficult her week was. Her husband, who left six months ago, had her two children visit and they met this new boyfriend. He never told her, the mother of these children and primary custodial parent, about this man in his life, so she had no way to prepare her children for what to expect. It was very difficult for her to deal with the thought of her recently split husband to be with a man, and she saw how difficult it was for her children in their young teens to adapt to this.

This is where I come to a parting of the ways with some traditional gay fathers types of thinking. This to me is a blatant disregard for the feelings of the wife and the children. I don’t understand why gay men find it so difficult to understand that we have a major adjustment to make when it comes to accepting their homosexuality. This is the missing link of communication that always has me baffled. What has taken them years to struggle with and accept is expected to just settle in with us within hours, days or weeks.

Gay husbands say that they love us. They claim that they don’t want to hurt us—especially as they are about to leave the marriage. Many of them have already done the damage while they are in the marriages, but now that they are leaving, they want to “make last minute amends.” I am never quite sure how they are making these amends. I have on limited occasions met the gay husband who has given his family the financial or emotional support that the family needs after his departure. I have seen lots of women struggling very desperately as single mothers, working both full time and part time jobs at the same time to balance the bills. I’ve done it for many years, and I know that many of you who have written to me have had to do the same thing because of lack of viable support from your husbands.

I know that I made one major mistake in the aftermath of my marriage that I always tell other women in hopes that they will learn from it. When it came to child support, I never took my ex-husband to court to make sure that he could be more financially responsible to the children. I make no excuses here. I just never had the strength to do it. My ex-husband still had me mentally beaten down even in the years that followed our breakup. I was afraid to go up against him for fear of the verbal attacks he would spew at me. I always wanted to keep it friendly and upbeat for the sake of the children. I know that taking my ex to court would have destroyed that during the years when I was very emotionally vulnerable.

Was my ex financially responsible to us on his own accord? According to him, he was the “dream” ex-husband. He would have people believing that he did everything in the world for the children and me. In his own mind, he honestly believed this. Although his support was very minimal in comparison to what I needed or what I had to pay out daily, he felt no need to do better. For a number of years, his salary was double of mine, and yet, there were years that went by without any support at all. Yes, he would buy the children sneakers twice a year or give them nice gifts for the holidays such as stereos or televisions. He did buy them a bedroom set, and he even took them on trips. But this didn’t help resolve the day-to-day expenses that I had to somehow find a way to manage.

In order to survive financially, I had a second part-time job teaching for a local college. I have been blessed to find employment that fulfills my greatest goals of helping change the quality of life for people; however, working a full-time job that was always longer than full time, and a part-time job that required at least two evenings a week away from the children, put extra hardship on the family as far as spending quality time together. Those are times that can never be brought back, and sadly, these are times that many mothers write to me about with great regret. These are mothers who have to work two and even three jobs to try to balance out the finances that their husbands leave them burdened with.

Excuse me from diverting from my original thought, but I felt the need to express that one as well. Getting back to understanding our feelings when it comes to new relationships and the children, let me say this. There are varying schools of thoughts on whether or not to tell the children, when to tell the children, and the best way to tell the children about their father’s homosexuality. We’ve had these discussions in this newsletter from time to time, and although there are different points of view, I think the bottom line is, “Think of how it will effect the children.” Hopefully, that’s the first thought and not the last. Too many gay fathers in their excitement in coming to terms with themselves have blurted out this news in an untimely way and it has backfired on them and the family.

It’s funny how people have different perspectives of the same situation. When I read letters from the Gay Dad’s organization, I see letter after letter from fathers stating how wonderful their relationship with their children are now that they have revealed the homosexuality issue. Or, they say their relationships with their children would be wonderful if only their ex-wives weren’t poisoning the minds of their children. Now, I feel that it may be true that some ex-wives are saying unkind things about homosexuality. No doubt. But for the most part, I think it’s the lack of responsiveness and understanding the father has towards his children once the news is out. And, along the same vain, I don’t think that children are quite as excited and accepting about it as these fathers would like to believe. My children were never happy about it, and in fact, my son is quite embarrassed about it. He would never dare tell his friends that his father is gay. In fact, he hates the fact that his father is gay. I have found through the years that males are far less likely to be accepting to this news than females, and especially throughout the adolescent years. And trust me when I tell you that I was the most accepting and defending mother of homosexuality you can imagine. Never was heard a discouraging word out of my mouth—at least on the issue of homosexuality.

We all have strong emotions when it comes to how the gay father should be leading his life in front of the children. Some of us are just not ready for it. I know I wasn’t ready for it for quite a while after my marriage ended. When my ex finally had a meaningful gay relationship several years later, I had enough time to prepare myself for the impact it would have on my children. I had already been able to accept my ex’s homosexuality and had been exposed to the world of homosexuality while running my support group. And even then, it still felt awkward and uncomfortable at first. I was grateful that his boyfriend cared about my children and my children enjoyed being with him. In fact, he gave them more quality attention than their father did. And they became very fond of him as I did. I was sorry when the relationship ended several years later because he had become a pleasant part of our lives.

I know that I would have not fared very well had my ex dragged the kids into one of his early fly by night relationships. And I would have been very angry if he introduced the kids to one of his frequent lovers without telling me in advance. My children never knew about my ex’s homosexuality during his early exploits or even during his one long-term relationship until years later. I always appreciated that. It made things much easier for me. I cringed at the thought of my children finding out at a young age. On a personal level, I was happy that my ex didn’t have the need to take my children to gay outings in gay groups like gay fathers. I didn’t want my children to be part of something that they were too young to understand. Was I right about my feelings? I don’t know. They were my feelings, my gut instincts. I thought my children were too young to be exposed to a lifestyle that wasn’t theirs. My ex felt the same way and I was very grateful for that. Maybe on some psychological level, that’s why I never wanted to rock the boat when it came to the issue of financial support. I’m not looking for excuses, just an explanation!

What can be done about this? I think women have the right to set limits when it comes to the children, especially when they are the primary custodial parent. I think we have the right to be real clear on what’s acceptable as far as exposure of our children to what we feel will be uncomfortable as far as situations or information. I think we have the right to say to our ex’s that when someone new is involved with them, we have a right to know before our children walk into it so we can be prepared to discuss it with our children if they feel uncomfortable or confused. And—it is our business, no matter what they think. Anything that affects our children is our business. It needs to start becoming “more about us.” Our feelings need to count and to be heard. And our ex’s need to step back and start understanding our feelings.

Many ex’s complain about how long it takes us to accept their situations. Perhaps if they would put our needs equally next to theirs—not even ahead—then that adjustment period would be shortened by a significant amount. But as long as they keep doing whatever they please whenever they feel like it—especially when it comes to the children, don’t expect an atmosphere of mutual respect and acceptance to surface. In conclusion, guys—show us the money and show us the respect. Those are the ingredients to having a successful ex-marriage. sty, I am really, really glad that this is a new and different year.

AUGUST, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 17

2002-08-01T22:08:00.000-04:00

DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS—WHERE I STAND

I receive between seventy five to one hundred letters a week asking me for advice or comfort. I separate the calls for help and put them into different categories. Some are looking for information such as how to catch their husbands looking a gay websites on the Internet. Others need support to help them get through the most traumatizing time of their lives. But there are also three other categories of letters that I receive which sadden me because I know that I can’t respond with the answers these women want. I’d like to share these three areas with you. I’ve included a typical letter I receive for each of them:

1. Women who want for me to verify that their gay husbands are NOT gay.

Dear Bonnie,

I just read your book and the chapter about the Gay Husband Checklist. Even though my husband fits into three of the areas that you discuss, I have strong doubts that he is gay. Isn’t it possible for a man to look at gay pornography just because he thinks it’s erotic? He swears he will never act on these feelings. He just enjoys it and finds it stimulating. And, although he had several sexual encounters with men prior to marriage, they were strictly that—casual sexual encounters. There was no emotional tie. He never even kissed them. Isn’t that normal for many males to experiment when they are younger? As long as he doesn’t have sex with men now, isn’t this okay? He swears he has never cheated on me since we married and doesn’t plan to.

Isn’t it possible for him just to go through life just having those thoughts now and then without really acting on them? Everyone has fantasies.

2. Women who want a miracle and are convinced I’m the vehicle.

Dear Bonnie,

I desperately need your help. I suspect my husband might be gay or bisexual. I know there must be something I can do to make sure that he doesn’t act on these feelings. You’ve been working with this for 20 years. I’m sure you must have learned something that will work.

Women who want to debate or confront me.

Dear Bonnie,

I have been living with my husband for 10 years. He just revealed to me that he is gay. I wrote to you for help and you sent me your information. I’ve read your newsletters and think that they are very negative towards keeping marriages together. I know that you are a voice of doom, but we don’t agree with you. My husband and I love each other and we know we can work this problem through in time. You are really misleading people with your opinions.

Okay, so let’s revisit some of this stuff again. It’s part of my yearly personal inventory to see how I really do feel about these issues and if my points of view have changed.

My opinions on the issue of straight/gay marriage are based on my own personal experience first. Next, they are based on thousands of your personal experiences. Do I have the only answers? Absolutely not. Do I have the best answers? Well, I think so. But that’s to be expected. If I didn’t think I had the best answers, I’d be a fraud and untrue to my own self.

My primary goal has always been to help women understand the complexities of their marriages to their gay husbands and how to untangle all of the mysteries in their minds like blaming themselves. It has also been my secondary goal to help gay men to be honest with themselves and their wives by supporting them through their coming out process. Living in the shadows of secrecy is not a solution to this problem.

Do I want to break up families? No, not at all. I think families need to be together when there are children involved. I call it “Family Unification.” I just believe that this important aspect of life should be conducted from two different households—yours and his. You can co-parent, you can have the strongest of friendships, but chances are, you’ll never obtain this as long as you are married. Why do I feel so strongly about that last statement? Simple. It’s hard to be good friends with someone you can’t trust. It’s hard to keep loving someone who can’t love you back the way you need to be loved. And it’s most difficult to make your children happy when you can’t be happy.

People debate the issue with me whether children are more secure in a household with two parents or with parents who are in two separate households.
Some people tell me they are staying together for the sake of the children. In a perfect world, a child growing up with two loving parents is the ultimate situation. But when there is dysfunction and unhappiness in the home, this is not the ideal situation. This just doesn’t apply to straight/gay marriages, but to any marriage that has dysfunction at the core of the relationship.

Some of you may challenge me on whether a straight/gay marriage can be labeled as “dysfunction at the core of the relationship.” Of course it is. This is not marriage the way marriage was meant to be. This is a “mismarriage” as I call it. It is a mistake that happened. In most cases, there is no one at fault. I do believe that. There was no deceptive plan at the time of marriage to “screw up the woman’s life.”
I may be negative, but I am very understanding. I know that gay men married their wives in almost all cases because they loved them. I also acknowledge that most gay men who married believed they were straight or would be straight after marriage. For real. They did believe this. I have also come to believe that some gay men never acted on their homosexuality prior to marriage. Damn, I’ve even come to believe that there are a couple (maybe a handful) of guys who haven’t acted on their homosexuality at all until after they leave their marriage. See, even I can learn and change my opinions after 20 years. But that still doesn’t change my basic philosophy.

Is that to say that straight/gay marriages don’t stay together? Of course they do. A number of my support group members remain in their marriages. They are looking for support while they are in their marriages—BUT THEY ARE NOT LOOKING FOR ME TO SUPPORT THEIR MARRIAGES. They know that I can’t do that. I understand that leaving a marriage isn’t always easy or even possible. Some women are literally trapped, even if, in some cases, they are trapped by their own fears and insecurities. I never judge—I just give support. I will always be there for an encouraging word.

A few letter writers who don’t know me or choose not to understand me characterize me as an “angry, bitter woman.” Au contraire. You will NEVER hear me condemning a woman because she can’t make the steps that will free her. I know that everyone has to survive at her own pace. Who am I to judge? If my ex-husband had not walked out on me on that September day, who knows how long I would have remained in my life of misery? I wasn’t even myself any longer. I had given up my identity and become a stranger in my own body. I was a scared, lonely, isolated woman whose sense of reality had been distorted. And I was only battered for four years. How do women do it for 10, 20 or 30 years? They just sacrifice any sense of life that is left.

If I have to name what I feel my best quality is, (we all need to brag about ourselves on a semi-regular basis for reassurance!) I would say that it’s the ability to keep feeling other’s pain long after I am past it and not to make judgment. I never say, “I did it so you can do it.” That’s ridiculous. We are all different, and all of our life experiences have been different.

It reminds me of the early years after my marriage dissolved, and I turned to welfare in order to survive. At that point, I had an chronically ill infant, a high-strung two year old, and I was mentally beaten down and filled with anxiety. I was unable to hold down a job because of my son’s frequent hospitalizations and need for care. As soon as I started building myself up mentally, I went back to school so I’d never have to be on welfare again.

Several years later, I began my current full-time career working with welfare mothers to obtain self-sufficiency. When I recruited at the welfare offices to help women find free training programs, I once heard another speaker judging them. “If I can do it, you can do it,” she said in a nasty tone. She wasn’t saying it to be supportive—she was saying it to be judgmental. She made it clear that she had disdain for people who she felt were “bilking” the system. She was judging others the way she had been judged, and somehow, she lost the sensitivity. She obviously had no one sign up for her program. I, on the other hand, was able to recruit the majority of people because I told them I could appreciate the hardship they were going through because I remembered the feelings of frustration and hopelessness I had felt living through welfare dependency. I tell that to my clients today, 16 years later. I never judge any of them. Almost all of them came from family lives that were far worse than mine. They came from generational poverty. They came from years of abuse and neglect. How could I compare that with my 3 year backslide in life?

I relate this story as I relate it to my counselees. I never judge how long it takes a woman to leave her marriage. I show her compassion and understanding, because even though it was another lifetime ago, I never loose touch with my feelings during that painful period. I never judge a woman even if she stays in her marriage as long as she knows what she is facing and is honest about it.

I’ll go one better than that—I don’t judge people who are trying to make these marriages work and look to condemn me. Talk about angry and bitter as I mentioned earlier. If I were an angry or bitter woman, I would be insulting to women and couples who write about their disagreements with me. I never do that. I just refer them elsewhere. I never say my way is the only way. I wish them all the best of luck in finding the answers I can’t give them. I even tell them how to look for them. I never delete anyone’s message who disagrees with me. I respond to all messages. I believe that people can reach out to each other and find common grounds for understanding, even if we can’t agree on lifestyles. Diversity is what makes the world go around, I suppose.

There are straight/gay couples who are working at making their marriages work. If they choose to struggle in these relationships, who am I to sit and throw stones? I am not the last word on this subject. I just think that I am the best word for most of the people most of the time. Why do I think this? Probably because of the one category of letters that I receive that are my favorite category of all. Whenever I feel discouraged or disheartened, I go to my favorite file of “Thanks” letters. And I have hundreds of them. Each person who took the time to write me a personal thanks makes all of this worthwhile. It’s what keeps me moving along on a day-to-day basis. These letters keep me writing this monthly newsletter even though friends and family tell me to give it a break. Even my soulmate says write it bi-monthly or quarterly. I tell him no, people are counting on me. They are counting on me to confirm their mental health on a monthly basis. That’s because I know how important it is to have a voice of reason and confirmation there to give support regularly during a crisis. I remember how isolated and alone I felt struggling with this on my own years ago. I swore that if I had the opportunity to help others, I would always be there to do it, and I am.

Several weeks ago, a woman wrote me a beautiful thank you letter. It kind of said everything I love to hear so I asked her if I could share it with you, my readers.
Here was her response:

Hi Bonnie!
You most certainly can use any part of my letter in your newsletter! If it can help just one woman out there make the right decision it would give me great joy. I would prefer if you would use my first name only. Please feel free to use any part or even the entire letter.
Thanks, Shelley

And here is her letter:

Bonnie,
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for the great book that you have put out and the wonderful monthly newsletter. My husband came out to me approximately 2 months ago. I knew at that moment that there was no way that I would be able to deal with this situation and I told him so at that time. I love him very deeply and it is killing me to have to go through this but I know that I must. Soon after he told me the news I did what I always do when faced with a new obstacle, I started checking the internet for books on the subject and for support groups as well. I found a few books so I ordered them all.

What I found is that most were lacking or really didn't give me the direct information that I was looking for. Your book was the only one that I identified with. It seemed that everywhere I looked I found people giving me advice to "go for counseling" with my husband or to "take it slow" because I didn't want to make a decision that I would regret later. I kept thinking why should I do those things? Is he going to suddenly stop being gay? Or maybe I should try to find a way for me to accept his shortcomings and create a whole new relationship?

I joined a yahoo group for women that have a gay/bisexual husband or boyfriend and was astounded by what I read there! Many of those women had decided to stay with their gay husbands and work things out! They would constantly post about how much pain they were in and how they didn't know how long they could handle the situation. There were even some people that had made "contacts" with their husband about when he could go out with his "friends"! I couldn't believe what I was ready, I kept wanting to shake these women and scream "wake up!" in their faces. I quickly unsubscribed to that club needless to say.

Anyway, when I finally received your book (took awhile I must say) I read it within a few hours. I sighed with relief because I finally found a voice of reason. I knew what you had to say (as difficult as it was to hear) was what I was looking for and I knew that it was right. Thank you Bonnie for letting me know that I am on the right track. My husband helped me find a new townhouse and helped me move in. We remain friends and still love each other very much. It hasn't been easy but I have made it this far. I am very fortunate because we did not have any children even though we were married for 10 years (perhaps woman's intuition?) Thanks again Bonnie. I wish you all the best. Perhaps I will join your Thursday night chats soon!

Of course, most marriages do not end this easily or nicely. Maybe this is why so many of them keep dragging on —for fear of how bad the ending will really be. But when I look at the alternatives of how people live, those who are “making their way” through these marriages, it really saddens me. In my September newsletter, I’ll be discussing some of those marriages.

Next, I’d like to clarify my position on the subject of what makes a man gay for those of you who continue to dispute me or choose not to label your husbands for your own state of mental health. If you feel better thinking that your husband is “straight but bi-curious” or “straight with gay leanings” or any of the other combinations of justification you have written to me about, well, that’s okay. Or if you’re a gay man who is offended by my classification of you as being gay vs. bisexual, bi-curious, or any other name that doesn’t have the word “gay” in it, well, that’s okay too. I don’t really care what you choose to call yourself. That is your call, not mine.

The bottom line is this: If you can live with the fact that the man you love is (from the least to the most extreme order)

· fantasizing about men
· looking at gay porno
· chatting in gay/bisexual chatrooms on the computer
· calling 1-900 gay phone numbers to chat
· looking at men instead of you
· having occasional discreet sexual encounters with men
· having an actual relationship with a man

and you feel that your life with him is fulfilling in spite of this, then who am I to give you advice? I do not advocate happy couples with strong marriages splitting up. It’s just that out of the thousands and thousands of women who have come to me for help, I haven’t seen very many happy marriages. In fact, I haven’t found any happy and fulfilled ones. I have found marriages trying to struggle through this, but no one who has written to me saying that she is happy that she is married to a gay man even though she had no knowledge of it before she got married.

Of course, when I throw out that challenge to women who accuse me of being one-sided, sometimes they write me back that the only women I would hear from are women who are unhappy. Negativity just seems to gravitate towards me, they think.
And maybe that’s true. Maybe a woman who is truly happy in a marriage with her gay husband wouldn’t be looking for my help. So if you’re out there, good luck to you.

But by the time women write to me, there’s something not right going on. You may not know for sure what it is, but you suspect it’s possible that it can be the unspeakable. And for all of you who write to me for help, I will continue giving the only kind of help I can—a heaping helping of no-nonsense honesty. Yes, honesty as I see it. And I guess I’m not so far off track from all of the wonderful letters of thanks like Shelley’s that confirm that what I do makes a difference for you.

Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???

MAY, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 14. IN MEMORY OF MY DAUGHTER JENNIFER

2002-05-01T22:00:00.000-04:00

IN MEMORY OF MY DAUGHTER JENNIFER

My daughter, Jennifer, age 22, died on April 14, 2002. Her young life was snuffed out due to medical complications from a serious drug addiction that overtook her life starting three-and-a-half years ago. For this reason, the April newsletter that comes out mid-month was delayed.

I would like to thank the dozens of people who were alerted through the various Straight Spouse groups who sent me beautiful messages of warmth and comfort. Your words have been overwhelmingly supportive and kind. The members of my own on-line support group have been extremely generous in their love and support. I would like to take a few moments to share some personal thoughts about the relationship between my daughter and me in hopes that it will shed some insight to those of you who are part of this large network.

As I reflect on the years that I had my daughter, I can say with good feelings that I take comfort knowing that I did everything humanly possible to help her through her troubled years. When I first learned of her addiction two months before the age of 19, I immediately admitted her into a drug recovery program, the first of a dozen or so that she entered and dropped from until her death. It was during this first stint that I learned that Jennifer was a lesbian. She did not reveal this information to me. Rather I found out from some of her friends when she ran away from the program with another young lady during her second month there. When she came to visit me several days later, I asked her why she never told me about her sexuality. I felt hurt that I had to find it out from her friends because she didn’t trust me enough to tell me. When she responded that she was afraid of hurting me, I was very confused and asked her why.
I had raised my daughter to be understanding and tolerant of homosexuality. From the time she was a young child, I was very careful to project positive images of gay people. I developed some wonderful gay friends through my support group in the 1980’s who were part of her life. I was very emphatic in telling her that gay people had no choice in their homosexuality—they were born that way. I felt the need to reinforce that regularly for two reasons. First, I never wanted her to feel that her father “chose” homosexuality over his family. It was difficult enough living in a homophobic world without thinking that a father would prefer that way of life if given a choice. But more importantly, I knew statistically that children with a gay parent had a higher chance of being gay themselves. My years of research had proven that to me. I believe that gay is genetic, and it would only follow that the gene could be passed on to some of the children. I was always able to separate my anger towards my ex-husband’s irresponsibility from homosexuality.

My daughter’s response: “Mom, I didn’t want to hurt you because I know how much dad has put you through.” I was stumped. I asked her if I ever led her to believe that I had a problem with homosexuality. She said, “Absolutely not.” I next asked her if she thought I would be disappointed that she was a lesbian. She replied, “I’m not sure.” No matter how accepting I felt about homosexuality, and no matter how many times I said it would never bother me if my children were gay, she wasn’t sure when it became a reality if I would feel the same way.
Truthfully, I was initially numb when I found out that Jennifer was a lesbian. Was I happy about it? No. But it wasn’t because of homosexuality. I just knew how much harder life would be for her as a gay person. But, after the initial numbness passed in a day or two, I fell into an easy acceptance. Homosexuality was never an issue for me when it came to my daughter. Her drug problem was my only concern. I embraced all of her girlfriends over the next three years hoping she would find one that would give her a greater sense of stability and happiness.

Some people have asked me if I thought my daughter’s drug habit resulted from her homosexuality. After all, drugs and alcohol are a common problem in the gay community. That’s because the pain of being gay is too difficult for many who don’t have accepting mothers. This was not Jennifer’s case. She had no problem being a lesbian. That was one area of her life that she was totally comfortable and happy about. She had a large “PRIDE” tattoo engraved on her arm several years ago with all of the rainbow colors. She became active in the gay recovery movement during the times when she was clean. In fact, last year when she had her longest clean period of six months, she worked at the drug recovery booth at the Philadelphia Gay Pride parade. She laughed at the end of the day when she brought me a bunch of leftover flavored condoms she gave out at the booth saying, “Ma, you need these more than I do.”

When I think back to the day I revealed my daughter’s homosexuality to my ex-husband shortly after I first learned about it, I remember the great irony of that moment. He went on a screaming rampage that shocked even me. He started yelling, “How could she do this?” He then went on to blurt out a number of obscenities. I was really stumped. He was sure that it the drugs were turning her “temporarily” gay. Over the next few years, he came up with numerous theories about Jennifer’s homosexuality and tried to convince her that it was just a “passing phase” that would change if she overcame her addiction. He was embarrassed by Jennifer’s comfort with her sexuality because he was so uncomfortable with his own homosexuality. When she would visit him and he had company, he would ask her to cover the tattoo. He constantly bemoaned the fact that now she wouldn’t have grandchildren, and periodically kept hoping that she would at least meet a man and have a grandchild to carry on his legacy. What can I say?

The funniest thing is he would occasionally try to blame me for Jennifer’s homosexuality stating that I must have been too much of an “overbearing mother,” similar to the one he had. My ex just didn’t buy into the genetic inborn thing when it concerned him. He made sure to tell me on various occasions, “Don’t try to blame me. It has nothing to do with me. After all, I wasn’t born gay.” He always feels better thinking that he was “made” gay and not born that way. I never blamed him, I just stated my feelings that it was a passed on gene. Homosexuality is not a “fault” to be blamed on anyone. People have no control over this anymore than they have control over their eye color.

` When my ex wasn’t blaming the drugs, he would blame her appearance. Jennifer was a heavy-set young woman and he believed her lack of an attractive figure made her believe that she had more options finding women than men. This was his craziness in thinking. In my heart, I believe that he feared people would question his carefully hidden sexuality if they knew she was gay. As usual, it was always about him. And yet, in some of his more vulnerable moments, he would admit that he was glad that she was comfortable with her sexuality, even if he wasn’t comfortable with his.

Last July, my daughter fell in love with a woman. They were both in programs at that point and met through the recovery community. There is a rule in the recovery world that states people should avoid romantic relationships until they are clean for at least a year. This is based on statistics that show people who get romantically involved with other people in recovery during the first year are likely to relapse together under pressure. Go tell that to a young woman whose hormones are raging and need to feel love and security are at their height. Jennifer knew the rule but couldn’t abide by it. She had a string of involvements over the past few years, but none that lasted for any length of time until she met Raina. Raina had been clean for eleven months. It didn’t take long for them to fall down together shortly after they met. I accepted this woman as if she were my own daughter, even though her own family had abandoned her. She took care of Jennifer the best that she could. They were totally intertwined in their love and their addiction. They would try to pull each other up, and then they would knock each other down.

I certainly don’t blame Raina for my daughter’s demise. Jennifer did that all on her own. She developed hepatitis and a bowel instruction brought on by the heroin. This was also complicated by chronic asthma. In the end, her drug-ravaged body just gave out.

There is a point I would like to make in sharing this story with you. Over the past two weeks since this tragedy, I have been processing a lot of emotional feelings, which is natural under the circumstances. When my moments of rationale surpass my emotionalism, I sit down and add to this tribute because my thoughts are clearer. I think one of the best gifts I gave my daughter throughout her life was unconditional love regardless of who she was or what she did. I also feel a great sense of relief that my daughter didn’t have to struggle with one additional problem in her short-lived life, namely her sexuality. I never made her hide her tattoo or gave her any indication that I loved her any less or differently because she was a lesbian. She was very appreciative and stated that to me during numerous conversations between the two of us and with her friends. I embraced her girlfriends and never made them feel like I judged them because I did not. I was proud that my daughter felt comfortable in who she was, at least sexually. Being gay did not turn her into a drug addict. As I said earlier, I was always able to separate my anger of what my ex-husband did to me during and after our marriage from my feelings about homosexuality. Because I could do this, I have hundreds of wonderful memories to carry with me through the empty years ahead.

There is something you can learn from my experience and tragedy. Homosexuality is not a choice. Don’t transfer your personal anger against your gay husband to your children in terms of the sexuality issue. You don’t know how the sexuality of your children will end up. If they sense your hostility towards homosexuality, it may create years of hardship for them to come to terms with themselves, just like it happened to your husband. It can also alienate you from having a loving relationship with your children.

I know I’ve passed this message on before, but now, more than ever, it needs to be said again.

"LOW SELF-ESTEEM ISSUE." MARCH, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 13

2002-03-01T21:38:00.000-05:00

LOW SELF-ESTEEM ISSUE

I can never talk enough about the issue of self-esteem. When I reflect back now, at the age of 50, I can honestly say that I have spent a lifetime building up my own self-esteem. I can trace this back to my early childhood days when I was always the “chubby” girl. Eventually I transitioned from being a chunky teenager to being an obese adult. I have spent my adult years being fat. There have only been short periods of perhaps several years from time to time when I was heavy instead of obese.

When I met my gay husband, I was physically at the best point of my adult life. I had lost over 100 pounds and I was feeling and looking good. My self-esteem and confidence was at a new height. I was NOT desperate when I met him, so I can’t use that as an excuse of why I married a gay man. Like almost all of us, I honestly did not know that he was gay. It’s that simple. He made sure to let me know that he wasn’t by yelling up a storm when I mentioned a friend of mine suspected that he may be “bisexual.” I remember that feeling of total relief when he stood up in the middle of the restaurant and nearly turned the table over in sheer anger. Ah, the man was protesting—and it couldn’t be nearly enough--forget too much.

Why would I even think he was gay? He was tall, athletic, very handsome and extremely charming. We had sex in those early days. It wasn’t the best sex, but it wasn’t that bad either. I had worse in the previous years, and I believe that all of them weren’t gay.

My ex-husband married me because he loved me and wanted to have all of the things that straight men had. And in his mind, at that time, he was NOT gay. Yes, he had gay sex. Yes, he had a string of sexual encounters with men before we married. But in his mind, he believed that he was straight because there was no emotional commitment to these men. He enjoyed women and dated his fair share of them. And he believed that sexually he could pull it off as long as he loved someone enough. Through the years, I have come to terms with the fact that most of these gay men really don’t believe in their hearts that they are gay when they marry us. They can have gay sex galore, but they are not gay in their minds. They don’t even view themselves as Bisexual, just straight men dabbling with same sex encounters. Go figure.

Getting back on track here, I married a man who was mentally abusive to me. Not all gay husbands take this route, but many of them do. They are frustrated with life because they are living a lie, and the one they lash out at is the one responsible for living this lie in their minds—namely, us. Yes, I know it makes no sense at all, but that’s just the way it is. Even though my self-esteem was quite high when I got married, it didn’t take long for it to get battered back into oblivion within a relatively short amount of time. I was on a temporary high when I met my husband. I was feeling good about myself for the first time in my 28 years of life. I had not even had two solid years of good feelings about myself before this marriage. That means that I had numerous years of personal insecurity, loneliness, poor self-image, and peer-inflicted pain scars from adolescence that carried over into adulthood.

I was the girl who was picked last to be on whatever sports team that gym class played on any given day. I lacked the motor coordination to be an effective sportswoman, and my excess weight slowed down my athletic abilities. It was pretty heartbreaking and humiliating knowing that you would always be the last or almost last person picked. I was the girl who never got asked to dances or proms. I was the girl who didn’t have dates on the weekend because the guys I wanted didn’t want me. They wanted the pretty cheerleaders or the girls who radiated confidence. I was the girl who fell in love so often but always had her heart broken time after time when some girl who was prettier, thinner, or more graceful crossed my path. Ultimately, I was the girl who got left out. There were so many of us when I was growing up, but that didn’t make me feel any better. I wanted so badly to be someone worth loving, but that didn’t seem within my reach.

For that reason, I made poor choices in relationships from early in the game. I just wanted to be wanted to badly, that I was willing to “settle” for guys, later men, who were not worthy of having a relationship with anyone. They were men who had value systems that were different than mine, but yet, my desperation kept me moving in their direction because they seemed more obtainable.

In my mid-twenties, I was nearly 270 pounds and at five feet tall, I wasn’t long for the world. I began to care about living after having extensive chest pains, and started to lose weight. First I lost it in a healthy manner; then I developed an eating disorder when the healthy way just stopped working very well. Within 18 months, I lost approximately 130 pounds so I was feeling quite good about myself. I was never thin, but I was looking good, feeling good, and doing quite well in life. I was very vain at that point, and that was fine too. It was time for me to finally feel good about myself. Professionally, I was where I wanted to be, and personally, I was testing out the waters and looking for the right somebody to love.

Maybe if I had married a wonderful supportive man, my self-esteem building process would have continued on an upward trend. But instead, I found a man who was down right cruel who used to find great pleasure in knocking me down whenever I dared to stand up to question any of his unusual behaviors. This was his way of fighting back. My ex wasn’t really a bad man, he was just a sad man. He was sad because his life was falling apart being married to me. He was lying all over the place to cover his tracks, and every time I would uncover just one little crack, he became so angry. He was trying to tie that web of lies together but I seemed to be untangling them faster than he could tie them.

Rather than accept responsibility for his misactions, my ex would yell and scream about my inadequacies. He would magnify every molehill into a mountain when it came to my imperfections, making me believe that I was the awkward, gawky, overweight teenager all over again. I didn’t have enough “ self-confidence” time accumulated to make me believe differently. After a while, I bought into all of the lies that my husband kept telling me about me as he shredded away the few good years of feeling good and reverted me back to my original form of feeling inadequate.

And so once again, I found my comfort in food and started putting back my weight, one pound at a time. When I became pregnant, I looked at it as a license to eat all I wanted because the weight would come off after the baby was born. That’s what people kept telling me. I did gain 70 pounds during those months feasting on Baskin Robbins ice cream daily by the gallon. When my premature daughter was born and weighed less than five pounds, that’s what came off my body. And although in time I was able to take off half that amount gained, I regained it when I was pregnant with my son. I was once again a fat woman.

When my husband told me that he couldn’t make love to me because I was too fat, well, that seemed reasonable to me. At that point, I didn’t think much of myself so why would I expect a man to think much of me? It sounded so logical and made so much sense.

I say this first of all because I receive letters from so many women who write to me and tell me that they are 20, 40, 60, 80, or 100 pounds overweight. They didn’t start out that way in their marriage for the most part, but ended up that way due to frustration. Some of them had childhoods like mine where weight was a factor, but many of them never had a weight problem until during the marriage. They usually throw into their letters that marriage caused them to overeat because there was nothing else giving them much satisfaction on the home front. And as they gained weight,

I am sure that their husbands secretly cheered on the weight gain because now they had a new reason to retreat in the bedroom—namely, fat. Now fat became the natural enemy and justification for lack of passion, as if there was ever much passion to start with. Like my husband told me shortly before we split up, “Who would ever want to sleep with someone who looked like you? Have you looked at yourself lately in a mirror? If I became gay, who could blame me?” OUCH, with all capital letters. There were lots of tears that flowed from my eyes after that conversation. My ex had a wonderful talent for destroying any residual good feelings I had left from days of old. There was nothing left by the time he was done with me except a sense of survival—to find a way to survive without him in my life.

When I first started my local support group, the first two women who joined were also fat. I will not cover up that word and make it into something that it’s not. I don’t use that word to be insulting, but rather to be honest. I don’t need a bunch of “feel good” words about what I am. I feel good about myself now even if I am fat. It’s amazing what a wonderful straight man can do for your sense of self-worth. My soulmate hasn’t noticed the weight gain I’ve made over the eight plus years we’ve been together. He still thinks I’m beautiful and makes me feel that way about myself.

But, getting back to the point, I thought at first it must be a thing that women of weight encounter because my first two group members were big women. But after that, I was shocked to find how many thin women who were beautiful, attractive, and graceful women by society’s standards were in the same situation. As many of you know from my book, I still have my theories on the prototype of woman that a gay man seeks out when he wants to get married. One of the prototypes is a woman with low self-esteem. There are so many of us and we are all such easy targets. However, what I learned is that self-esteem is often something that women have within themselves from what’s going on inside, not outside.

I recently corresponded with a lovely woman who read my book last year. She thanked me for giving her the key to the problem in her life. She is an airline stewardess who is viewed by men as beautiful. And yet, after nine years with her hands-off husband, she felt as deflated as the rest of us. She has now moved on in her life and feels wonderful about it. I hear from many women just like this-- women who have never had self-esteem issues over their looks. Over this year alone, I have worked with three models, two in New York and one in California who certainly didn’t have a problem with their physical appearance. And yet, all of their external physical beauty didn’t help them feel beautiful inside. Within this same time frame, I have helped women who were doctors, lawyers, nurses, stockbrokers, professors at universities, a CEO in a Fortune 500 company, and a Broadway actress. Certainly they had accomplished enough in their professional lives to be admired by the masses for their intelligence and status. And yet, they felt just as horrible about themselves as I used to feel about myself. It seems as if having a gay husband is the great equalizer among women of all sizes, shapes, colors, professions, economic situations and societal boundaries.

I guess what I’m getting to is simply this. If the beautiful women who had high self-esteem throughout their lives can fall into this dark and lonely hole, what chance do women like me--who by society’s standards have imperfections creating emotional baggage--have? If a woman who held her head high all of her life can have hers chopped off the block, why would I expect mine not to be in the same pile only squashed down a little more?

I talk about this because women write to me constantly looking for excuses of why their gay husbands may have been turned off to them. They write about their torment of how hard they tried to be better wives by dieting which sometimes led to eating disorders, having breast implants, liposuction, plastic surgery, changes in hair color, and so many other things to try to physically change their husbands’ desire for them. It’s almost as if they are still apologizing or looking for reasons why they were at fault. And their pain becomes my pain. I hurt for every woman who has to spend one extra minute not feeling good about herself because she has failed with her gay husband.

In my last newsletter, I wrote about the long awaited conversation that I had with my ex-husband that brought closure to our misunderstandings. I think that these are the feelings that our gay husbands and ex-husbands have to know and understand. It’s not just the superficial damage or the obvious problems that result from these mismarriages. It’s the internal damage and scaring that they just don’t have a clue about.

I can forgive any gay husband for being gay. That is not a conscientious decision, nor is marriage a calculated move of deceit to punish some loving woman. And I acknowledge how difficult it is for gay men to come to terms with their homosexuality during a marriage. However, what I can’t forgive is the cruelty that they display to their wives while going through their own hardships. And even when they are able to be honest and move on in their lives, they somehow lack the understanding of what we are left to deal with. They feel we should just be able to “get over it” as if we can walk away from the damaging years unscathed. Well, we can’t and we don’t. And perhaps when they can recognize this and try to undo some of the damage that they caused, a better understanding will come about between wives and gay husbands or ex-husbands. There is great comfort in knowing that your gay man understands that the hurt goes much deeper than just superficial cutting. And when he can comprehend that and tell you that he is sorry for the internal damage he has done to you, then you will finally be able to start to heal—and even start to forgive.

Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter MARCH, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 13

2002-03-01T21:25:00.000-05:00

ANOTHER EXPLANATION TO THE SEX THING

In the last issue, I spoke about the recent healing conversation that I had with my ex-husband. In that article, I asked my ex about our sex life when we first met and how he was able to “pull it off” in the beginning. He explained how in his 20’s, when we met and married, he could become sexually aroused because sex under any circumstances was something that could “feel good.” Add into it a mix of emotional attachment and determination to be straight, and all things were possible, at least for a short time.

My friend Dina, from the AOL Str8 Spouses of Gays and Lesbians organization, sent me a much better and detailed explanation that she had discovered a few years ago. I asked her for her permission to share it with you because I think it sheds the best insight that I have found to date:

In late adolescence, young adulthood up to about 30's, a guy is driven by raging hormones and need for release - basically he could "do it" with anything or anyone just to get off. As time goes on, and they are not as driven biologically, they have to supplement the drive with some fantasy thrown in - that's the time when the male fantasies become prevalent. In turn it becomes harder and harder to get turned on "normally" and eventually even the male fantasies are no longer able to make him perform.

That is usually the "crisis" that leads them to actively fool around and/or eventually come out and leave. I think this is a good point to make to those straights who rationalize that if husbands can perform or could at some time that is an indication that they were not "totally" gay blah, blah, blah. Bottom line folks is that they could perform at a point in time when they did no discrimination at all....we were just one step better than taking matters into one's own hands!

Thanks, Dina, for that insightful explanation. I think this clarifies the situation for so many women who can’t understand how their gay husbands are able to have sex with them in the beginning, but not sustain it throughout the marriage.

Some women wrote to me asking me to discuss the “Psychological Sexual Warfare Games” that their husbands play with them. That’s my coined terminology to these demoralizing situations. Some gay men keep the games going in order to divert the thoughts of confirmed suspicions. This happens usually once the wife accuses her husband of being gay, or when he knows that she is barking up the right tree, as the saying goes. By this time, the wife is usually totally turned off to the thought of having a sexual encounter with her husband. This is when he turns on the charm and amorous moves.

Now, the gay husband knows that his wife knows, at least on some level. He also knows that it has been a long road of unfulfilling sexual experiences over a number of years. And he also knows at this point that the last thing his wife wants is sex—at least with him. That’s when he starts to touch her knee, her shoulder, hold her close, make the overtures, and goes for the gold. He is now an Olympiad in wimps clothing. He knows that it is a safe bet that he is going to be running a solo act here, because there’s no way his wife is going to respond to his tainted touch.

The worst part is that now he claims the victor’s spoils. Now he starts throwing those accusations around like a Herculean master yelling, “Whenever I want to have sex you reject me,” or “Don’t ever say I didn’t try. It’s not my fault that we don’t have a sex life.” And that’s how he weaves the web of self-doubt again. Just when you are so sure that he is gay, well, maybe he’s not. Maybe he’s changing. Maybe it’s your fault. Maybe if you had been more receptive to him through the years. Maybe you were reading him wrong. Maybe all of that evidence that you compiled really did belong to someone else, right?

Wrong. It’s a game. It’s a game of desperation because you have gotten too close to the truth and he knows it. Some of these guys just love to catch you off-guard. It gives them great pleasure to keep you confused while they are trying to figure themselves out. Or, if they have figured themselves out, they want to make sure that you don’t because it leads to the potential disaster of hurting them. And that’s why they do it.

I always tell women that if your husband tries this, don’t get too spooked out. Expect it, but don’t sweat it. By the point in the marriage that this happens, it’s almost guaranteed that if you would turn around and say, “Let’s do it dear,” he would develop a sudden crippling backache or migraine headache. He is making a calculated guess that you will say no. By this time, you’ve already been stripped of your sexual esteem, and one calculated shot in the dark isn’t going to restore it. You know that, and so does he. That’s why he feels confident in “offering” you something that he thinks you want so badly emotionally but knows you will reject physically. .

And feel free to laugh when he throws up in your face, “I was always the one who wanted sex. You’re the one who is cold blooded.” Ha ha. You don’t have to laugh a big, boisterous howl, just a little ha-ha will get the point across. Then go back to doing something that would be far more interesting than having sex with your gay husband—like washing the dishes or ironing the clothes. At least you know when you do something like this, it will turn out right!

February, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 12 MAILBAG

2002-02-02T21:19:00.000-05:00

MAILBAG

Dear Bonnie,
I anxiously await your newsletter each month and it has been so helpful and true. I would just like to comment on two points that you brought up in this Jan. letter:

Abuse

This may sound so sad and pathetic but I thought I needed to share it with others: I used to pray that my husband would hit me or physically do something so I could go to the police or a family member for help. How can you go to someone and say "he calls me names or he makes me feel worthless?" The local police would have laughed me out of the station. How low could one woman go as to wish she could get beat up in order to be relieved of the pain?

The second point that I would like to bring up is the eternal denying of being gay and even the possibility of him marrying another woman to prove to the world that I am a liar, (bitch, pick a name) etc. At the urging of my husband's therapist he finally told me and our 14 year old daughter that he was gay. A few months later he was able to tell his parents and sister. Now he is begging us all not to tell anyone. He now claims his therapist says that it was a scheme he thought up because it was the only way I could understand that he wanted a divorce and didn't want to hurt me. In other words he is really not gay. Yea right. I am begging women not to fall into this sick elaborate trap. What kind of a mind could think of this? Apparently a very scared and sickly complex one. Five years ago I would have believed it. I would have wanted to believe it in the worst way. But all I can say is you have to be ready to hear and feel it. Nothing I say or you say can convince a broken heart but reading about it takes you down the path you may not initially want to be on but you know it is the right road. Many thanks for you and the work you do. I would be willing to help in any way and thank you for introducing me to Kathi. We correspond at least weekly and hope to meet each other soon.

Very sincerely yours,
Susanne

I found this letter so disturbing because the words rang so true about hoping that my ex would hit me so I’d have something to go to the police or my friends about. I so desperately wanted to have the visible black and blue bruises on me so I could prove that he was an abuser.

So many of us are emotionally broken down, and yet there is no law against this. No one will arrest your husband for stripping you of your sense of self-worth and self-esteem. By law, that is not a punishable crime.

I remember an incident during my marriage many years ago when my ex was so angry because our house was robbed while we went shopping. When we returned, he found some family jewelry missing from his drawer. Of course, he blamed me and began ranting and raving. He was screaming that I was careless and left the door unlocked. I knew that wasn’t the case, but he just kept yelling and yelling so loud. At that time, I knew he was enamored with a17-year-old drug user and I snapped back that I was sure he was the thief. I tried to get up in his face so he would hit me or push me against the wall. I was hoping that his rage would turn to violence because I couldn’t stand the constant rage and accusations. He restrained himself in spite of my urging and didn’t hit me, just pushed me a little. Certainly it was not enough to warrant the police coming to take him away although the neighbors called them because they were fearful for my safety. When they arrived, I assured them there was no problem. After all, I did have to protect him, right? Several days after that incident, my suspicions proved correct, but the emotional damage was done.

As Susanne said, it was really so sad and pathetic. I feel a great sense of shame and embarrassment at this point of time to think that my life had been reduced to wanting violence to be used against me just so someone would believe I was suffering. And this suffering weakens us into a state of inaction, unable to stand up for ourselves.

On Susanne’s second point, as I told you in the last issue of the newsletter, the Straight Gay Men will very likely remarry and bring this misery on to another woman. Even if they slipped the truth to you once, don’t look for it to slip out again. In fact, be prepared for your husband to use some kind of evasive excuse such as, “You misinterpreted what I said, “ or “You didn’t hear what I was saying.”

This brings me to another survey question for women who are married to the Straight Gay Men. If your husband started seeing another woman, do you think you should tell her or let her find out for herself? Please email me with your thoughts on this one. I will share my own personal experiences with you next month about what I did when my ex-husband had a woman fall madly in love with him several years ago.

Remember, you never have to suffer alone. There is lots of support available to all of you. The wonderful members of my on-line support group and others who write to me are ready to give help to anyone who needs it. If you would like a “pain-pal” to help you through this confusion, just let me know and I will find a match for you.

Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???

February, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 12

2002-02-01T21:12:00.000-05:00

A GIFT FROM MY EX-HUSBAND

Wanting to have for nearly twenty years. It was the conversation of honesty, understanding, and apology. Even though we had skirted around these issues numerous times throughout the post-marriage years, he never came up with the words I was waiting to hear until now. It felt so good to hear him say, “Honey, I was an asshole and I’m sorry.” Wow, these were very powerful words. Now some of you may laugh and wonder why I even cared after all of these years, but I did care. I wanted to hear those words come out of his mouth. I wanted him to understand the pain that I had suffered from his abuse. I wanted to know that he understood the impact of what he had done to me. And after I heard those words, I was finally able to forgive him—for real.

It’s so odd that my ex just couldn’t understand that I didn’t blame him for being gay. He knows my point of view because we’ve discussed it hundreds of times. He doesn’t even necessarily agree with me. I say that gay is not a choice—people are born gay. He tells me that maybe in most cases that is true, but not in all cases—like his. He doesn’t believe he was born gay—he was “made” gay due to family circumstances. I am not sure why he feels the need to think that he was “made” gay. Maybe he feels better because this way he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for his irresponsible behavior. Or, maybe it’s because he doesn’t have to feel any remorse for what he’s done as a gay man in straight man’s clothing. Anyway, regardless of this, he really opened up to me and he also listened to my feelings for the first time.

Here’s his story. Michael claims that when he married me, he honestly didn’t know that he was gay. He had gay sex with guys, but there was nothing emotional about it—only sexual. He never kissed these guys or held them passionately. He just “did it” to get some sexual satisfaction. That didn’t mean he was gay, or at least in his early 20’s, he didn’t think that way. He knew he enjoyed having sexual encounters with males, but he still had a strong desire to find a wife and have children. He was sure that’s what made him straight, not gay. He was also not like those “swishy” guys portrayed on television. They made him sick. They were the real gays. He was macho and athletic. No way he was gay.

When we met, he did fall in love with me. And why not? I was interesting, very nice, caring, attractive, and bright. I was kind of exciting back in those days. I was the leader of an activist group back in the 1970’s so I was sort of a semi-celebrity. We had an intense courtship and a quick marriage. When Michael claims that he loved me then, I do believe him. He loved me as much as he was capable of loving a woman. I was the first woman he ever loved so he believed this was going to be the miracle he was looking for to change him. And for a while, he did change—his sexuality that is. He became for all intents and purposes—STRAIGHT.

He was able to perform straight sex. And he didn’t hate it. He didn’t mind it. He didn’t love it, but he could do it. I asked him if he fantasized about men when he made love to me and he was very clear that the answer was “NO.” He did remember calling me a man’s name during one of our sexual encounters, but he insists that was a true mistake. He was not thinking about a man at the moment. Okay, I guess. He did explain that when we were in our mid-twenties, sex was still sex.

It could still feel good even if it didn’t feel right. He could still have an orgasm sometimes and feel a sense of sexual relief and enjoyment. But he never felt it was fulfilling. After a while, it became more of a chore than a pleasure. And those nagging feelings of male attractions started resurfacing no matter how hard he tried to push them away.

Then our conversation went into some dangerous territories, namely the number of times he cheated on me during those four years. He has continued to claim through the years that there were hardly any times. One thing about me—I have a very sharp memory when it comes to remembering when someone hurts me. Maybe I forgive, but I never forget. Even my current boyfriend who is my soulmate knows that any mistake that unintentionally hurts me is cleanly tucked away in my memory bank for future reference at my discretion. So when Michael and I started pulling rabbits out of a hat of his slip-ups during our marriage, even he was shocked at the number I kept reaching in and grabbing long after he had forgotten them. And when we finished dredging up each and every one that we could remember, we had quite a list. In fact, he was not very proud of his record. He apologized very sincerely. He said he was an immature jerk back then who didn’t give a damn about me—only himself. Then he asked me if I could finally forgive him and stop being angry about it. Guess what I said? I said NO. I said no because he still didn’t get it.

See, what Michael never understood until that conversation was that I did forgive him for being gay. I even forgave him for cheating on me during our marriage because he was gay. What I didn’t forgive him for were the many years that followed that he continued to be a jerk. I couldn’t forgive him for leaving me stranded for years to raise the children virtually on my own. While he was out with his numerous male partners living la vida loca, I was in taking care of all of the children’s day-to-day needs. He was just so into him that he didn’t have time to be into them. I was literally left holding the bag and stuck with the responsibility of being a single mother. Yes, I say stuck. There were nights I cried myself to sleep because I was so physically and mentally exhausted from juggling all ends. I didn’t have the emotional, physical, or financial support I needed from him. He just wasn’t there for the children or me. He thought he was at the time, but now he knows that he wasn’t.

He claims that when he left, his world came tumbling down. He was crushed and miserable. He loved his family and couldn’t stand the thought of not being with his children. And maybe that was the case for a while. But like so many of the other men that I hear about from my support group members and women who write to me in crisis, those feelings of loss seem to fade mighty quickly as our gay husbands entrench themselves tightly into the gay lifestyle. There just doesn’t seem to be a balance for a long time to come. This leaves us with the burden of everything. And this was the part that was so hard for me to forgive.

You see, lots of marriages fail for lots of reasons. In fact, probably half of all marriages end in divorce today. But that doesn’t mean that most of the fathers walk away from their responsibilities. Some do, and plenty of straight men are jerks. But see, they don’t claim to love their wives when the marriages end like our husbands do. Even when our husbands are leaving us, they still claim they are “loving” us. They just can’t help themselves for being gay. And unlike straight marriages that fail, most of us still love our gay husbands when our marriages are over. We didn’t choose for the marriages to end—they did. Most of us were blind sighted until the end with no clue why our husbands didn’t love us enough to stay. Some of you still don’t understand because your husbands are still being dishonest and living in a state of denial—even though you are sure of the truth.

When our husbands leave, they promise that things won’t change between them and the children, but in almost all cases, they do. Maybe not the first few weeks, but shortly thereafter. We were counting on their promises to come through for the children and be there as responsible, participating fathers. That’s what made the separation a little more palatable. But inevitably, their lives change dramatically and everything else is secondary. As we often say in our support chats, “It’s all about them.” And for most of them, it is.

Now that doesn’t mean they don’t change back. I definitely see that in time, so many of these fathers try to be fathers again. Maybe it comes with age; maybe it comes with maturity. Maybe it’s just because they have their fill of themselves and now they are ready to pick up where they left off. Unfortunately, many years are missing and can’t be returned. And the hardships that we, the mothers, have gone through can’t be undone. And that’s what my ex needed to know. That’s what he had to understand what I needed to forgive him for—not being gay. He needed to understand that he was not just a stupid, selfish jerk during our marriage, but also for many of the years that followed when he stranded the children and me.

The best news is that he finally does understand. He finally understands that I wasn’t angry that he is gay. I got over that fact years ago. I was angry that he was always looking out for his own needs before our needs. He finally admitted I was right and asked me to forgive him. I did. There was something very heart lifting about this forgiveness because it was real. It didn’t change the past, but at least he finally understood what it did to me. He could finally feel my pain, my fears, my frustrations and his part in causing them. It gave me the closure that I was seeking for so long.

In previous issues of this newsletter, I had some wonderful words written by my friends Jay and Chuck. They were wonderful because I always wanted to hear those words coming out of the mouth of my own ex-husband. So many of you wrote to me expressing the same feelings. I guess that’s why hearing it first hand meant so much to me. Hopefully, your ex-husbands and husbands will give you this same gift—the gift of truth, understanding, and apology for their actions during and after the marriage. It took me nearly 20 years, but better late than never.

Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter February, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 12

2002-02-01T21:07:00.000-05:00

SPECIAL VALENTINE’S DAY ISSUE

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY--NOT

In the past, I have written about the difficulty that straight wives have during the holiday season. It is not uncommon for depression to set in somewhere around Thanksgiving and continue right through the New Year. During that six-week period, there are three holidays that revolve around family happiness and unity, something most of us are missing.

While we get caught up in the preparation for these holidays, we can’t help but to feel an emotional letdown when they actually take place. We know what they represent, and yet, we never feel the wonder and joy of what the holidays represent that others are feeling. We go through the motions waiting for the emotional impact to kick in, but when it doesn’t, that’s when the depression sets in.

And now, just as we start to get back to our “normal” existence state of mind to cope in our relationships, we are once again brought down by the most hurtful holiday of all—Valentine’s Day. This is the day that exemplifies love and romance. It’s hearts and flowers all the way. It’s the day that symbolizes what being in love is all about. It’s a day where two people who love each other take the time to stop and think about that love and to remember how it feels to be “in love” even if some of the passion has faded through the years.

If you are the wife of a gay man, this is a day that really hurts. This day, more so than all of the other holidays, is a slap of reality about your marriage. You see, on the other holidays you can cover yourself with a veil of illusion because they are family holidays. Whatever you are lacking in your marriage can be compensated for through your children and other family members. But Valentine’s Day is different. It’s about the two of you. And no matter how you justify it by thinking it’s a day of love in general, it’s not. Yes, you can buy Valentine’s Day cards for your son or daughter, mother and father, co-workers and friends to try to make it better. But there’s really no escaping what it really is—a holiday for lovers.

The reason why this holiday in so painful is because it is upfront and personal and right in your face. No matter how you try to avoid dealing with the reality of living with a gay husband on a day-to-day basis and lull yourself into a false sense of security, Valentine’s Day reminds you of the lie you are living with the man whom you fell in love with and married in good faith. It’s a reminder of everything that you were supposed to have but were cheated from having. And the man who robbed you of your dreams is still lying in bed next to you. Each morning when you wake up with him next to you, it’s one more day of living a lie.

Now the lie wasn’t your lie to start with—it’s his lie. But it has become your lie because you’re living it with him. You’re going through the motions of what marriage is supposed to be, but it’s falling way short of what your intentions were when you made that commitment at the altar Your husband, who promised to love and cherish you through sickness and health ‘til death do you part, never mentioned that he would never be able to love you the way you needed to be loved. In fairness, maybe he didn’t know that he wouldn’t be able to do it. No doubt, he was hoping that he could pull it off. And I’ll even go so far as to say that maybe he didn’t come to terms with the fact that he was gay on that life-changing day. But in almost all cases he knew he was having conflicting feelings. He knew something was off even if he couldn’t figure out that it was homosexuality.

Even when I speak to gay men who tell me that they honestly didn’t believe that they were gay, or hadn’t acted on those impulses prior to marriage, they still knew looking or thinking about men sexually aroused them. And even if they still couldn’t come to terms with that, they knew when they stopped making love to you early in the marriage that they were not attracted to you because you were a woman. But they kept quiet because they were afraid if they told you their secret, you may blow it for them. You might pull away their security blanket leaving them vulnerable and feeling naked. It wasn’t always an easy choice for them to keep lying to you, but it was easier than telling the truth.

So to those of you who are living in one of the many situations that bring us all together under this umbrella of commonality, let me personally wish you a Happy Future Valentine’s Day. Believe me, it can happen to you just like it happened to me. This is a day I celebrate in a big way. It’s a day that makes me happy because I have a man whom I am in love with. He makes my heart flutter and my knees still get shaky when we touch—and that’s after eight years. I don’t say that to brag, but rather to let you know how life was meant to be. You were meant to have a man who can love you and make love to you. You were meant to meet someone who would cherish you and treat you as if you were the most important part of his life. The fact that you were sidetracked doesn’t mean that you are doomed forever. It is never too late to find the happiness you are seeking as long as you don’t give up hope. And even if you don’t want to think about falling in love, at least think about not living in an abusive situation. Work on loving yourself enough to move away from a man who is not your soulmate but who is destroying your soul instead, one layer at a time.

Go out and buy yourself a giant box of chocolates. Enjoy each one of them as you remember how sweet life is supposed to be and how wonderful it will be once you remove yourself from a disastrous situation.

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter January, 2002 Volume 2, Issue 11

2002-01-01T20:47:00.000-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR

As we begin the year 2002, let me wish all of my support group friends and readers a happier and mentally healthier New Year. I know that this time of year was a difficult one for many of you who wrote to me because it is a time for families to join together and celebrate. For those of you are in stuck in unfulfilling and unhappy marriages with gay husbands, this can be depressing. It is not uncommon to find all holidays that revolve around love and families depressing. But on the bright side, a new year is a time of hope for a new life. Look at this season as a time to continue to strengthen yourself towards making positive decisions in your life for the future. Always remember that there are millions of women who face this tragedy. You are not in this alone. Reach out for support, and I will always be there to help you.

THE EXCUSE FOR ABUSE

My friend Gayle on the West Coast wrote me a note a few weeks ago. She stated:

Bonnie, have you ever covered the topic of "abusive behaviors" with women (and men) in "our situations?" I know that you've discussed it, but is it worth giving more attention to this subject? I know so many of us continue to struggle with not only "the situation," but also the continued abuse that goes along with it and how to effectively deal with it. Your thoughts are appreciated whenever on this.

This is a common cry from many women who have gay husbands and who remain in their marriages for long periods of time. The try so hard to be “good wives,” and yet, no matter what they do, they are still the brunt of their husbands’ emotional abuse. I will try to explain why this happens.

Let me preface this by saying that for the New Year, I have coined a new term for another classification of gay husbands. It is “Straight Gay Husbands.” I hope you like it. It is my new reference to gay men who are permanently living the straight life, sort of like wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are the husbands who will not acknowledge their homosexuality privately or publicly--ever. Some of them know that you know, but try to confuse you enough to put enough doubt in your mind to make you think that you are the crazy one. It’s the best defense to your “offensive” questions. These are the men that shut you up or shut you down the moment you think about making mention of the possibility of homosexuality. They know what they are, and they know what you suspect; but keep your mouth shut because they don’t want to hear about it--especially from you.

These men are different than the gay husbands that admit they are gay/bisexual but promise not to act on those needs while they remain married to you. (Like we really believe that story!) They are also different than the gay husbands who are leading very secret lives and not leaving a trail of crumbs for you to follow. They are not even quite like the Limbo Men I have described who are caught in between two worlds. These are men who are definitely not stuck. They are identifying strictly as straight. There is no way they are entering the gay world through the front or back door, or even through the closet. They detest the gay world and what it stands for which gives them even greater reassurance, at least to themselves, that they are not gay.

The Straight Gay Men are the ones who have to remain in total control of all of their physical motions lest someone should suspect they are not quite as straight as they claim. It’s funny how many women tell me how their husbands’ physical appearances, gestures, and movements change once they come out. I can’t even fathom how difficult it must be to have to go through life calculating every breath and step you take. It’s sort of like walking down a sidewalk and having to make sure that you “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” as the game use to say. My balance and coordination never let me win that game.

These husbands are quick to use you and the children as their proof that they are not gay to the outside world just in case they let their guard down and anyone might accuse them of the “unthinkable.” They honestly don’t identify as gay even though they have sex with men. They don’t get themselves involved emotionally with men, just sexually. That helps them justify the fact that they are straight, not gay.

Some women can’t understand this. If you look like a duck, walk like a duck, act like a duck, but have sex with a goose, are you still a duck or are you a goose? I say you’re a goose. I don’t care what you act like to the outside world; I only look at who satisfies you sexually. And if you’re a duck making love to a goose, your feathers have to ruffle in a different direction when you stand up and straighten them out. But this does make things that much more confusing and complicated. So, to simplify your confusion, let me say this—STRAIGHT MEN DON’T HAVE GAY SEX. You can call it whatever makes you feel better, but I still call it gay—all the way.

Women who live with Straight Gay Men and Limbo Men are often the most commonly emotionally abused women. They would have to be. Their husbands are truly living in a complex world that makes little or any sense. They are living unfilled lives because they don’t have any emotional connections. They don’t connect emotionally with their wives because they aren’t really straight. They don’t connect emotionally with men because they refuse to be gay. And so they function but don’t connect. This lack of emotional connection creates a sense of insensitivity when it comes to your feelings and your emotions.

It also closes them up as human beings. They are unable to connect with a wife because they are living an internal, and what seems like an eternal, lie. This lie keeps overtaking any sense of good feelings towards the person whom they believe is responsible for this state of living—namely you. Now we know it is ridiculous to think that you should be their reason for living this lie, but subconsciously, this is how they feel.

As much as they love to have you as their “cover” is as much as they hate to have you sharing under their covers. They resent your nagging demands for sexual intimacy because it “isn’t their thing.” It’s your thing. And why do you have to try to make them feel inadequate just because they are? Even when you stop asking for it, you are still thinking about it and they can tell. It means they have to come up with a continuous string of stories to account for their lack of sexual behavior with you. This puts pressure on these guys who feel you are being unreasonable. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of sex?

They feel that in all other ways, they are ideal husbands. They are there raising the family with you. They are helping to support your financial needs or at least sharing in them. They are taking part in the social activities that you have decided are important. They are doing lots for you—and how do you show your appreciation? By badgering them with little innuendos and questioning looks.

This really shows a lack of appreciation on your part and so they get pissed.

The Straight Gay Men think they are Supermen. And to a degree, they are. They juggle, manipulate, calculate, and carefully plan out all of their actions. It takes a lot of energy to do this, and they marvel at their ability to pull it off. It gives them a air of smugness that shows in their personality. I’m not quite sure what they think they’re pulling off because they know that you are doubtful of their explanations. There are only so many headaches, backaches, depressions, and side effects from medication that you can keep relying on. But they feel confident if they use these excuses enough, you’ll give up. Most women do. As I’ve said before numerous times, no woman wants to feel like she has to beg her husband to make love to her. It’s degrading and demeaning. We get the hint after enough sexual rejection and stop asking. But it doesn’t mean that we stop thinking—and wanting.

Every time we see other couples holding and caressing lovingly together, this is a reminder. It’s a reminder of what we thought we should have had but never were able to achieve. It’s a reminder of what our hopes and dreams were for married life when we took that life-altering step and said, “I do.” We are momentarily reminded of what marriage was supposed to be, but never became. And this sadness shows in our faces, in our eyes, and in our hearts. When our husbands glimpse at us, they know what we are thinking. They know what we are wishing. They know that the words they don’t want to hear may possibly be coming out of our mouths at any moment. Rather than take a chance and have to come up with one more excuse, they find some way to knock us down and put us back into the non-assertive mental state that they so easily know how to do.

We are women who have been conditioned. Remember, Straight Gay Men remain in the marriages indefinitely and have years to erode your sense of self-worth. They are not going anywhere, and they want to make sure that you feel inadequate enough so that you won’t go anywhere either. I don’t know who could have taught these men about the facts of life and marriage, but obviously, they weren’t listening or didn’t have a teacher. Didn’t anyone ever tell them that sex is part of marriage? Didn’t they ever hear that intimacy grows from making love to the person who loves you? Do they really believe that they can sit for years in a marriage and overlook that little detail? Yes, they do. And we become their silent partners because we have been silenced on the issue of sex.

The irony is that even if you leave these men, as some women do, they will remarry again. Yes, they will remarry another woman. They will still do their occasional gay sex thing to satisfy their sexual need, but that goes with the territory. It is amazing to me how these men can live such a delusional existence until the day they die. And they will drag other women into their web of deceit. The next victim (and men who do this more than once are victimizers) will fall for it just like you did—but even better. Your Straight Gay Husband has a track record. He will still use you as his shield by telling his next conquest that he was married before, ergo, he is straight. And the woman who is in a subsequent marriage with this man has no reason to question his sexuality at all. He married before; he’s marrying again. Chances are his next wife will feel even more inadequate than you feel. He’ll make sure to tell her that the two of you never had problems in the bedroom before. And if she does meet you, she’ll be too embarrassed to ask you the truth. And you’ll probably keep protecting him.

So if you are in a long-term marriage to a Straight Gay Man, don’t plan on things ever getting better. There may be temporary second honeymoon periods, only to prove to you once again that you are crazy for even suspecting there is something wrong with your wonder man. But it’s guaranteed that things will resort back to the “normal” pattern of digs, harsh words, and put-downs. Count on it. Then decide if this is the most that you want out of life because as long as you are in this marriage, this is all you can expect.

Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???

December, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 10

2001-12-01T20:17:00.000-05:00

THE HONEYMOON REVISITED

I love happy endings to stories. With straight/gay marriages, some of you also have the advantage of having some happy middles of stories even if the endings are sad. Of course, these middle stories don’t last very long, but while they happen, it’s like having a second honeymoon.

I hear it from many women. The story is usually the same, so here goes a typical one that I received this week:

Dear Bonnie,

It’s a miracle! After I confronted my husband with my suspicions about his being gay, he admitted to me that he had passing thoughts about men but would never act on them. And now, things are better than they’ve ever been. Now it’s just like when we were on our honeymoon—but even better. My husband is being very attentive to me and very considerate. For the first time in years, he is being affectionate to me. He is holding my hand in public and kissing me goodnight every night.

And now for the best part—my husband realizes that he is not gay.

He has approached me for sex for the first time in years. He is really doing everything to be the kind of husband that I knew he could be if he could just get those homosexual thoughts out of his head. Now I realize that we can move forward in our marriage with all of the bad times behind us.”

Most of the time, the letters end with,

“You were wrong, Bonnie.”

Sometimes, I’ll hear a more insightful thought from a woman saying,

“I know that this is just a temporary stage, but I’ll take it for the moment!”

I do want to tell you that these honeymoons don’t last for long. Sometimes they’ll last a few weeks or even a few months. But as letters that come in later with humble apologies to me say, the “honeymoon revisited phase” is usually over within a short amount of time. You see, after the husbands lulls you into a false sense of security once again, he feels he has you back where he wants you and so his “Normal,” or shall we say, “Abnormal,” patterns creep back slowly, or sometimes quickly. But they always come back. I tell these women there is no need to apologize. I know how I used to hang on to any false hope that came my way no matter how quickly it whizzed past my eyes.

Why do our gay husbands revisit the honeymoon phase? Quite simple. They fear that you now suspect or know the truth about their homosexuality and they are determined to throw you off track and start doubting yourself. They are not ready to be honest, and so they buy time. They become affectionate, attentive, and start to give you unexpected gifts. They say they are willing to work on their “sexual dysfunction.” The claim they will go for marriage counseling, and in some cases, give it a try for a few weeks or months.

And you feel good. You start believing that your suspicion about the worst possible scenario is untrue. And all those little signs that you thought were leading you in that direction were really something else. Maybe it was just a curiosity phase. Maybe your husband was having problems from medications. Maybe he does have some gay tendencies, but maybe that’s from an extra chromosome or two that has been misplaced. Maybe he’s learned his lesson by realizing that you are going to leave your marriage if you find out that he’s doing his thing.

Then you think you are so “stupid” when the second honeymoon is over and reality hits again. Please don’t apologize or feel stupid. I was lulled endless times into what I wanted to be a functioning marriage. I grasped for any sign of rebuttal from my husband and swore I could make things better if only he would work with me on it. Yes, I even had a couple of extra sexual encounters that he initiated in good faith to prove to me that our marriage would be A-okay. But how long could he fool me? He couldn’t even fool himself. He couldn’t carry out this lie indefinitely, and within a short time, things reverted to where they were—or shall I say deteriorated back to where they were—when I threw out my suspicions.

So, next time you see things changing, be aware that it is just a temporary ploy. Don’t get your hopes up—enjoy the peace and quiet for whatever time it lasts. Use this time to strengthen yourself mentally because this is not the time that your husband will be battering you down mentally. Recognize it for what it is and take advantage of the quiet time to make a plan to protect yourself and your future. And rest assure—the honeymoon will be over before you know it. Once you understand this, your chances of being disappointed will become one of expectation and much easier to handle.

Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter December, 2001 Volume 1, Issue 10

2001-12-01T20:14:00.000-05:00

THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Let me first wish all of my readers a happy holiday season. Well, how about a peaceful holiday season? I think that expecting a “happy holiday” may make you start to think that you are supposed to be happy, when in fact, many of you reading this are going through your own heavy-duty pain.

When I was married to my gay husband, I usually found holidays to be very depressing. People appeared so happy wherever I went, all wrapped up in a mystical holiday spirit. Inwardly, I felt like a knife was cutting me because I so desperately wanted what I thought everyone else had—namely, a loving spouse and happy family. I went through the holidays very mechanically doing all the right things, but somehow, I always felt disappointed when they were over. My husband made sure to surround us with lots of people in order to take the focus off of “us” as a couple. Holidays meant that we were home—alone—a definite no-no. My husband did his best to make sure that his numerous friends and family members would spill into our home. He called as many as possible to invite them over with promises of good food (that I would have to prepare) and great conversation (that he would monopolize) There was too much danger in having a long period of quiet time together. That would mean that I might make the “demand” (in his head) or “suggestion” (in my head) for intimacy.

It became an all too familiar holiday pattern. Surround us with lots of people I couldn’t care less about, and in fact feel irritated by, to avoid my desperate pleas for affection, intimacy, and …..sex. And on those rare days when people just couldn’t make it over due to snow blizzards or other plans, you can be sure that was a day when an argument would ensue. The fight didn’t have to be over anything of importance—it just had to start and then build itself into a mountain. I’m sure that my husband realized that a molehill would have never stopped me from making a suggestion. But once things escalated into a mountain, they were too high to climb and usually left me sleeping on a couch or not sleeping at all while I cried.

Overdramatic? I don’t think so. When I recall some of the absurdities that went on in our marriage that I couldn’t understand, it finally makes sense. After speaking with thousands of women, this is often an emerging pattern. After it happens enough times, you retreat and take a giant step backwards. You know the drill. Ask for something that your husband doesn’t want you to ask for long enough, and you’ll just stop asking. It beats a fight or argument over nothing of importance, as well as the humiliation of being turned down again for wanting a normal, human need—namely intimacy. .

Somehow, the fantasies that had played over and over again in my head throughout my youth, adolescence, and early adulthood about home and the holidays just never happened. That’s why I became conditioned after the first few holidays not to get excited, not to see the beauty, not to feel the spirit, and most importantly, not to get my hopes up. That went for every holiday. I had to reshuffle my way of thinking about the song No Place Like Home for the Holidays. I definitely knew that they were not talking about my home.

And so, my friends, if your holidays don’t meet up to your expectations of what they are supposed to be, don’t feel that it’s you. It’s not. It’s your situation. And if you are not in your marriage, don’t think that those feelings go away quickly—the memories of when you were in your marriage can linger on for many years to come. The good news is the feeling of excitement can return in time. If you meet your soulmate at a future point, you will understand the joy of watching the Big Apple fall down at midnight while he holds you close to him and starts the fireworks at midnight to celebrate your future year together. You’ll be able to turn off the television after the third verse of Auld Lang Syne and make your own music.

And even if you spend the night alone until you meet your soulmate, or if you never meet him, it won’t hurt nearly as much as spending it with someone who makes you feel as if you are the person who takes the joy out of the holiday because you are always hoping for something that he is just not willing or able to give you.

AND SPEAKING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS….

Speaking about the New Year…..I love the thought of a New Year coming in while an Old Year is going out. It’s a time to make resolutions for change. It’s a reminder that there is no time like the present to make some new resolutions that can resolve some of your problems. Most women are busily making plans to start a new diet or to stop smoking. Women with gay husbands can commit to making a new start free of the mental pressure that is wearing us down.

I always say that when you finally find the emotional and mental freedom, you are more than halfway to your goal. This is an excellent time to start planning your physical escape from your unhappy marriage. It’s not something that has to happen today or this month, but it is an opportunity to think about a better place that you can be in before another year passes by without any movement to happiness.

This is an opportunity to reflect back on your past years of marriage to your gay husband. If you are one of the nearly thousand of women receiving this newsletter, chances are you are living with conflict in your life. This is the best time of the year to start making a plan that will help you to reach your goal. For some of you, that may mean going back to school to learn skills that will make you financially independent. For others, it may mean joining a support group or finding a women’s group that will help you rebuild your self-esteem to give you the strength to do what you need to do. As long as you plan positive actions in your personal life, you will start to gain the strength that you need to make permanent positive changes in your life.

So, even though New Year’s Eve may normally be a painful night for you, look at it differently this year. Make a conscientious effort to stay up late and watch the Big Apple descend for the countdown. This year will be for you. View it with the optimism and hope that it is supposed to bring. Vow to make this a year of change—a better year for you and your children. Make a mental plan on how you are going to get there—and like with all resolutions, try to stick to it!

Share your thoughts by posting your comments ???